Losing my engagment ring and finding hope.

[siamese3]

Thank you so much everyone for your words of support and encouragement. I do hope things turn around.

I think my husband has lost all hope. And that's really tough. He is usually my rock. And right now, things are really tough for him. I have you guys but he... he's not that social and his family is all back east. So he feels isolated. I feel very helpless with him. So it's very hard.

Hey Gypsy, This part of your post really resonated with me.. I was sorry to read of all stuff you have had to deal with. It really sucks. My husband (who is my rock) had a rough time a few years ago. He suffers from some pretty debilitating chronic pain and has from quite a while and he was really hating his job. He also is not very social.. Our relationship is kind of huge for both of us and his depression was really hard for me and hard on our marriage. He became a very negative person during this time period, and I think the chronic pain often left him feeling very hopeless and helpless. I could empathize with how he felt, but I had never seen him as a negative person before and I didn't think that that was truly who he was. It was getting hard to recognize our marriage. I see relationships, even partnerships like ours, as always changing.. sometimes balanced, but other times one person shouldering more than the other.. but hopefully not for too long. Anyway, I was able to talk it out with him and it ended up fine. I realize this isn't your experience, I just wanted to say I know how hard this can be. I hope things will look up for you and your husband.

This, verbatim IS my experience. Our husband's could be twins. My husband has chronic debilitating pain from arthritis in his spine, a spinal fusion and a nerve condition that also causes him a LOT of pain. And the treatments for these have side effects that are difficult for him. He's not very social. And our marriage is central for both us too.

I don't recognize this negative person; it's not my husband. And I am terrified for my marriage.

Your post was like... OMG, I can't explain. Thank you for sharing your story. You have given me A LOT right here. Hope and empathy. I am so grateful. Thank you.

What actually changed things for us was me telling him that I was beginning to not recognize him anymore. That I never knew him to be such a negative person and that it was really beginning to effect me and I was afraid for our marriage. I come from a very negative and
super dysfunctional family and I have worked long and hard to not have the life I grew up in. I think when I said that it was effecting how I felt about our marriage, that really made him think about things. We both value our marriage very much. We have a very close and deep connection.The job business we were able to deal with, the chronic pain, not so much.. it is still a constant struggle. While, in general, things are much, much better.. the chronic pain is kind of like a third person in our marriage.. it really is a game changer. I have suffered from depression my whole life, and it's hard to deal with your own depression, but pile on top of that the depression of your dh.. UGH! It's hard. So.. the negativity is gone, the depression lingers. The grumpiness, especially at the end of the day, is hard some days not to take personally. Chronic pain is a bitch! Add in a cat with chronic pancreatitis, who is on Prozac and can't take it when I sit in a different chair.. some days I just don't want to come home. BUT, then I think of my life without him ( my DH) my heart almost breaks right then and there. So, more hugs to you!

 

[Gypsy]

Thank you so much honey. I really needed your advice and your perspective. I am going to process and talk to my DH a bit this weekend. You really helped me, and I so appreciate your sharing your experiences in this way.

((HUGE HUGS)) and I am sorry for your DH and you that are are dealing with this too. It is hard.

 

[siamese3]

gypsy, will be thinking of you and I hope that you do get a chance to talk. It was a hard conversation and a long time coming, and I felt a little guilty and bad, almost like I was piling on. My DH is very unconditional in his love for me, something I never experienced before I met him, so it was challenging for me to broach the subject. I didn't want to come off as "judging" or not letting him "feel" his feelings in his own home, but I know that when you start talking to yourself inside your head too much, rather to the person you need to talk to, the outcome is never good.. festering feelings can easily get out of control. I think what also made an impact on my DH was when I told him that I felt the pain was making him isolate himself from even me, he felt distant and I began to feel cut off from him and lonely.

 

[Gypsy]

gypsy, will be thinking of you and I hope that you do get a chance to talk. It was a hard conversation and a long time coming, and I felt a little guilty and bad, almost like I was piling on. My DH is very unconditional in his love for me, something I never experienced before I met him, so it was challenging for me to broach the subject. I didn't want to come off as "judging" or not letting him "feel" his feelings in his own home, but I know that when you start talking to yourself inside your head too much, rather to the person you need to talk to, the outcome is never good.. festering feelings can easily get out of control. I think what also made an impact on my DH was when I told him that I felt the pain was making him isolate himself from even me, he felt distant and I began to feel cut off from him and lonely.

My family is very much like you said. And that is why I value my relationship with my husband above everything (except my cats).

Thank you honey. I have been talking to him. He's very stubborn. He's not a horse you can lead to water. Never has been. He has to come to conclusions on his own or they don't take.

This week I did say something to him that I think got through a bit. One of his best friends about 9 years ago walked away from his family (wife and four kids) after the financial collapse. And we were both incredulous and John very much judged his friend for that, for not working through his issues and staying with his family.

So he and I were talking about how hopeless he is, and how much it was concerning me because for the FIRST TIME EVER he was not putting our relationship first, he wasn't acting or talking like he was committed to it come hell or high water. He was talking in "I hope things work out." Which is NOT at all him. He and I have been through a lot in our 17 years together and we made it through because we never considered another option. There was no "I hope we make it," it was always, "we WILL make it, together." So I said to him that he was reminding me of his friend. How he just walked away. And I think that really got through to him. Which means he'll need to think about it for a month and then he'll talk to me when he is ready.

We'll see how things go. He is better today. I think because of Harry Houdini (cat rescue). I am not very patient and this has me... feeling like the ground underneath me is quicksand and I'm sinking. So the patience part right now is what I am working on.

 

[siamese3]

gypsy, will be thinking of you and I hope that you do get a chance to talk. It was a hard conversation and a long time coming, and I felt a little guilty and bad, almost like I was piling on. My DH is very unconditional in his love for me, something I never experienced before I met him, so it was challenging for me to broach the subject. I didn't want to come off as "judging" or not letting him "feel" his feelings in his own home, but I know that when you start talking to yourself inside your head too much, rather to the person you need to talk to, the outcome is never good.. festering feelings can easily get out of control. I think what also made an impact on my DH was when I told him that I felt the pain was making him isolate himself from even me, he felt distant and I began to feel cut off from him and lonely.

My family is very much like you said. And that is why I value my relationship with my husband above everything (except my cats).

Thank you honey. I have been talking to him. He's very stubborn. He's not a horse you can lead to water. Never has been. He has to come to conclusions on his own or they don't take.

This week I did say something to him that I think got through a bit. One of his best friends about 9 years ago walked away from his family (wife and four kids) after the financial collapse. And we were both incredulous and John very much judged his friend for that, for not working through his issues and staying with his family.

So he and I were talking about how hopeless he is, and how much it was concerning me because for the FIRST TIME EVER he was not putting our relationship first, he wasn't acting or talking like he was committed to it come hell or high water. He was talking in "I hope things work out." Which is NOT at all him. He and I have been through a lot in our 17 years together and we made it through because we never considered another option. There was no "I hope we make it," it was always, "we WILL make it, together." So I said to him that he was reminding me of his friend. How he just walked away. And I think that really got through to him. Which means he'll need to think about it for a month and then he'll talk to me when he is ready.

We'll see how things go. He is better today. I think because of Harry Houdini (cat rescue). I am not very patient and this has me... feeling like the ground underneath me is quicksand and I'm sinking. So the patience part right now is what I am working on.

Stubborn is hard. We also have that in common! Hopelessness is hard to combat....I am a bit of a control freak so yet another challenge that I can't help him or "fix it" for him. It's hard to see someone you love with all your heart suffer so much. Off to bed but will been sending healing vibes your way. Sometimes it's really nice to know that there are other people out in this big, wide world that "get it"

 

[Gypsy]

Exactly. It helps to not feel akone.

 

[siamese3]

Okay, that was my Saturday afternoon chuckle!

 

[GeorgieQ]

Gypsy - crikey love, that's full on!! They say the universe never gives us more than we can handle but I think in this case the universe has seriously messed up - enough already universe, Gypsy has had her share!!! You are one strong woman and a TOTAL inspiration! I've been on PS for a few years but only post occasionally and I have to say to me you pretty much are Pricescope. I hope the mods realise just what an integral member you are on this site. You have a very strong fan base on here you know! Your opinion is so highly valued and sought after, you have helped so many people around the world. Someone as generous of spirit as you deserves good things and I just know that good things are waiting for you in 2017. Starting this post just goes to show that your bravery and strength knows no bounds - plus you love cats and diamonds, you must be a totally awesome person!

 

[rockysalamander]

Gypsy. My heart aches for you. I went through a year of hell a while back that tried my conviction to refuse all help from my wealthy family members (too many strings) and challenged my marriage and health. My autoimmune disorder kicked my ass and I forced my way through every single day, every single class, every single field-experiment by will-power alone. My DH did not rise to the challenge right away and I was adrift at sea without my rock and anchor. He simply could not be that for me at that time. So, I had to be the rock and be the one who found a path through for both of us until he could get his meds and head in the right space. It was hard and exhausting and terrifying and left an indelible mark on my soul -- but we are stronger on the other side of it all. I'm crap at writing how I feel, but I've had this song in my head since I read your story (Andra Day, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNKu1uNBVkU).

 

[Gypsy]

Thank you both so much.

Georgie, Your post made me smile. I have been floored by the outpouring of support on here. ((HUGS)).

RS--- ((HUGS))You write very well. You conveyed your own experiences, were empathetic and, like Siamese, gave me hope and support. Also you reminded me of something. We've been through hard times before and we've come through them stronger. So that is going to be my goal now too. Thank you for sharing some of your soul, and for the beautiful song.


I've been doing a lot of soul searching. Betwen Harry and this thread my cup, which had been empty, has filled enough that I can actually work through things instead of being stuck in a mire of stress and shame and fear.

I've been reaching out to resources for information and jobs and options. And I have been thinking about what I want and what my goals are.

In one of my favorite series the hero and heroine discuss their lie goals, and one of them really struck a cord in me: 'Live a life we are proud of." I think that is my goal.

 

[LLJsmom]

Just saying.

To Gypsy and the people who have shared: You are all an inspiration and an encouragement and an example for me. Just by being you, you all give me strength, every day and every time I read this thread. Thank you.

 

[acaw2015]

Just want to say, you are such a great inspiration and an asset for this forum. It is really sad to hear what you are going through. Best of luck!

 

[Scandinavian]

Gypsy, just wanted to offer my support again and say that I hope you will tell us if there is anything we can do to help!

Brainstorming sometimes helps. I'm sure you and your DH are already doing everything you can to find jobs, but just wanted to throw some things out there and perhaps it can give you some new ideas by association if nothing else?

1. Do you have *really* god written references with "call and ask me more" details? If not, try to reach out and get them! I'm sure someone here on PS could help if you needed some diamond related references?

2. Friends and family. Have you asked them *directly* if they can help find you a job?

3. Here, it is possibly to apply to the state for funding to get a new education / or a build on education etc. Anything like this available?

4. You would have been a fantastic teacher. Here, again, you can do "not regular but call basis" teaching without having the proper teaching credentials, anything to look into?

5. Dog walking. Not kidding. People like to have someone walk their dog when they are at work, especially those who are single and don't have any other option for their dog. Here, perhaps USD 50 per day for a 1 hour walk in the middle of the day. Not a fortune, but if there are a lot of dogs in the same area...? Here, people just leave a flyer at the grocery store. "Can help you. Do you need a dog walker? Professional dog walker can help take car of your dog so it does not have to stay alone at home for too long each day" - you get the idea. Same goes for cat sitters when people are going on holiday.

6. Could you work as an independent lawyer? What would you need to do that? Would you like to work with any type of law? Doesn't have to involve going to court, I guess. For example setting up prenuptials, testaments etc? Nice no-conflict work?

7. Real-estate broker? Any openings? Here you can do that with a law degree.

8. Your DH. Call Trump. Ask for a job. The guy says he likes initiative... Sometimes it can pay off to take a risk

9. Any suburb villages that might not have and not realise that they might need a property manager / caretaker?? Might be over qualified, but still? People hate to have to deal with everything from ordering a snowplough to gardeners to changing a light bulb by themselves. I know some cabin areas where most people have signed up for a property manager service of some kind. Perhaps he could create his own job/company? (Get him a job that keeps him really busy so that he does not realise just how many cats you have... )

Gypsy, please don't take this the wrong way, you know I just think you deserve better and that the universe clearly needs a kick in the *** to get on the right track for you!

Hugs!

 

[rainydaze]

Happy Thanksgiving Gypsy! I'm not good at expressing myself, but you're on my list of people I am thankful for. Your spirit and strength are inspiring and encouraging, and your kindness, whether you see it or not, is far-reaching.

 

[isaku5]

Gypsy, you're breaking my heart here. I've read most of your story and am stunned by all that has happened.
You have very nicely organized your priorities which make my comments a little easier:
- your rescue pets - you have my heart here. No one cares and acts more involved than you. You understand that these furry babies need our help whereas we humans have been given the intelligence and learned the skills to be able to reason.
- Your dear husband John has suffered through many challenges, and needs TIME and SUPPORT to heal completely. You, my dear girl, are the only one who can help him heal.

Before I become too preachy, I want to ask one question: What's the difference between a baguette and a trap??
I wish I had your e-mail address because there's more I'd like to say.
All the hugs in the world may soothe the soul, but, darn it all, they don't pay the bills.
Let's figure this out.

Love,
Isabel

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Isabel, there's an update from Gypsy (Layla) here:

https://www.pricescope.com/communit...ng-found-update-on-me-and-a-thank-you.229668/