Its a sad, sad situation ....... help please ladies

[Erin]

I''m very proud of you for not answering the phone.

That''s definitely a step in the right direction!!!

 

[Mara]

I would also stay at a friend''s house or something for tonite...and turn off the cell phone. You don''t want her banging on your door at 2am and/or having some sort of emotional confrontation.

People this self-absorbed want things on their terms, she may be shocked, disbelieving, and try to do anything she can to stop you. Be prepared. I''m sure the next few days will be horrible until she hopefully starts to get the hint.

Good luck.

 

[rockupied]

It almost sounds like you are afraid of yourself- not her. You''re afraid that you will cave. I still think avoiding her is a cop-out. But, I do understand how difficult it is when you are under someone''s thumb. Do you think that by dissappearing for a couple of hours after you leave her a note is going to make this problem go away?

Give her the note, let her contact you so you can tell her- "I''m done with you. Don''t contact me anymore." And then do just that! Don''t let her initiate contact with you, and don''t initiate contact with her. This problem isn''t going to just go away- it''s going to be a hard, painful process. Better to start it now because it puts you that much closer to being done with it.

One more thing, to think that she is going to "feel atleast the part of the pain that I have been going through" is a bit naive. She''ll just go find comfort with the other guy.

 

[Hest88]

Good job, Kevin. Stay strong.

 

[Mara]

rock...I think it depends on the type of personality that kevin is..but I think that spending some time away from ways that he could contact her or vice versa is a good first step for as entrenched as he has been, some distance could help to make him stronger until he is really able to feel like he could face her if he has to.

in the end, he will do whatever is best for him at the time...this is all speculation on what we would do.

 

[rockupied]

Mara,

Yeah, I know. I'm just afraid that he's going to let her take control. I think that by not answering the phone before he has confronted her with finality on his terms, he has given her control.

On the other hand- if he would have answered the phone and said "Don't call me anymore." and hung up on her THEN when she kept trying to call back he is in control. Maybe I'm off base.

Just like everyone else, I want Kevin to be able to find TRUE happiness. He needs to take control. Avoiding the problem is not controlling it. JMO.

 

[Hest88]

Only Kevin knows his limits. I remember being so crazy in love with my ex that I was emotionally incapable of withstanding him. If Kevin doesn''t think he can handle her in person or on the phone, he shouldn''t risk it.

I have a friend of a friend who was in a bad relationship for 10 years. She ended up moving out of state because they could never keep from getting back together when they lived near each other. That''s extreme, but it certainly takes courage and resolve to do what you have to do.

 

[jlc0604]

Hest, I agree entirely. It''s hard to stay strong when someone you love so much is begging you and saying all the things you wished they had said so much earlier. It''s hard to turn off your instinct to want to nurture and support them.

One thing I''ve told myself in the past when in similar situations: Sometimes it''s necessary to hurt someone you love and have them hate you NOW to do what''s best for both of you in the long run. It''s tough though. Best wishes, Kevin.

 

[Erin]

I think by ignoring her phone calls - he is already showing that things are not the same. When before do you suppose he would have ever not answered her phone calls or if had truely missed it, waited this long and still not called her back?

Slowly all these ''new'' behaviors will start to prove that things are different this time.

 

[blueroses]

And perhaps these few days away--at a friend''s house, the cell turned off--can coincide with the beginning of some counseling for you Kevin? I recommend that you investigate therapy options ASAP so that you can begin to strengthen yourself now during this initial "freeze-out" of her so that you won''t have to be as afraid of yourself (around her) in the hard times that are still to come as you are now. GOOD LUCK! CONGRATS on ignoring your phone!

 

[Gale]

First steps are always difficult. Congratulations on your beginning. It must have been very difficult to not pick up that phone. Kevin, do whatever you need to do to get yourself out of this terrible situation. If that means not confronting her directly, then that''s what you have to do. There is no shame in knowing that you may not have the strength to resist her. The shame would be in meeting her, caving in to her inevitable tears, apologies and meaningless proimises, and then resuming a relationship that holds nothing but pain for you. While it would be the best of all worlds if you could meet with her and break up face-to-face, if you can''t, well then, you can''t. It would be great if you had an alternate place to crash for a few days, just to ensure she does not pester you at your home. In the event that she does bother you at home, tell her to leave without opening the door. If she refuses to leave, then tell her you are calling the cops - and follow through on it. If she happens to leave before the police get there, then give the police her home address - they can go visit her parents'' home and try to find her there. That ought to get through to her that you are serious about finishing with her. You can do the same thing if she continues to call you, or pound on your door, once you have asked her to stop. Repeated attempts by someone to contact you where you have asked that person not to is known as harassment, and should be reported to the police.

 

[kevinraja]

Friends, I dropped the letter in her car. BTW, she also tried to reach me at home phone around 1pm after her unsuccessful attempts to my cellphone and workphone.

I think I am relieved. I just have to continue to keep my poise and strength.

Thanks again for all your support.

 

[Kaleigh]

kevinraja,

Yay for you, now keep it up, be strong you can do it!!

 

[AndyRosse]

Good for you!!

Just keep being strong, and remember, you have dozens of people here standing right behind you!!

 

[katrina_33]

This is kind of late and just for what it''s worth. Sounds like you''re already handling the situation the right way, but I just wanted to share my thoughts on the subject of mental illness since it''s been touched upon... I feel very strongly that this girl is bi-polar.

One poster commented that whether she is mentally ill or not doesn’t matter, and would only enter into the discussion if there was still any chance of you two getting back together.

I respectfully disagree with that. I think that she is bi-polar, and I think that this is the exact reason why you can not allow for the possibility of ever being in a healthy relationship (or any relationship) with her. I have a very close friend who is bi-polar, and has been in and out of therapy and on and off medication for years. As a result of knowing her so well, I am convinced of a few things:

1) She suffers from a legitimate mental illness that is not her fault or her choice 2) Still, the personality traits that go along with it are at the core of her being, and are a deep, fundamental part of who she is that she is unable to change. 3) She is incapable of being in a healthy relationship, and will probably never find any kind of lasting stability or peace.

Depressing, but true. Note I said LASTING stability or peace. She truly wants it, and she finds it in short, false bursts, but always completely destroys it in the end and starts from scratch. And this is a girl who (much of the time) recognizes that she has a mental illness and seeks help.

To me, it sounds like your ex-girlfriend, on top of being bi-polar and reckless (as bi-polar people usually are) is also extremely selfish, uncaring and immature. The stuff about disappearing & running from problems, being unable to commit to a stable lifestyle or to a person who loves you, feeling driven to be promiscuous and destructive, etc sounds very familiar to me. My friend was in a similar situation in a relationship where the man was very co-dependent and committed to “saving” her at all costs. It went back and forth for about a year, and was very volatile. She finally realized that she wasn’t capable of changing, even though she desperately wanted to, and that it wasn’t fair to him to keep telling him that she really wanted to change and be with him and live a stable life together (even though it was true) because she just wasn’t capable of it. Your ex-girlfriend may someday work through the selfishness and immaturity and come to the same level of self awareness and the same conclusion that she isn’t capable of giving you what you deserve. I’m sure part of her really loves you and wants what you’re offering, and wants to be the kind of person who deserves you, but she can’t carry this out no matter how much she wants to, and you can’t save her or help her no matter how much you want to.

Since she can’t admit this to herself and you, it will just have to suffice for you to really, truly know it, and to tell her in no uncertain terms. I personally think the gist of the breakup is as simple as “You have been abusive of me, and I refuse to be in an abusive relationship. I don’t think you are or will ever be capable of giving me the kind of commitment I need and deserve, and our relationship is officially and permanently ending now because of it. I really think you suffer from a mental illness and need help, but I can’t help you and don’t wish to have any future contact with you. Goodbye.”

Maybe you don’t want to get into telling her you think she has a mental illness - heck, maybe you don''t even think she has a mental illness. I personally think it would be good for her to hear it from you. Perhaps it will prompt her to do some soul searching and seek help down the line. But even if you aren’t convinced that a mental illness contributed to the way she treated you, or don’t feel that it’s your place to “diagnose” her, the bottom line is still the same.

Just my .02, but based on a lot of thought and personal experience with a similar person.

 

[kevinraja]

Katrina, I agree with every single word that you wrote. Thanks.

It is 7pm EST. She probably would have seen and read my letter at 5pm when she would have got off from her work. She hasn''t called me or stopped by my apartment, which is good.

1) Either she GOT IT, which I doubt it from my 5 years of experience with her.

2) Or she believes that I am just playing a game or scaring her, and probably thinks that I will miss her and somehow contact again. Yeah right!!!

I am at PEACE now.

 

[Hest88]

Kevin, congratulations for dropping off that letter and ignoring her calls. Don''t forget to keep you guard up, though, because this is not the hardest part. Being in love with an inappropriate person is being held in the throes of an addiction, so take it one step at a time, one day at a time.

 

[appletini]

Kevin! Congratulations! I''m so proud of you!!! If at any time you feel lonely or miss her or have the urge to contact her, please come to us first and re-read everything (which will take awhile b/c this thread is super long).

 

[kevinraja]

IMPORTANT

she just called me now. I didn''t pick up. She left a message, in which she was crying. It said "... Let me talk to you just one more time please... I don''t want to bother you...I need to talk to you, I need to talk to you please..."

What do I do? Like rockupied mentioned, should I go for a clean break-up by talking to her in person? Or just ignore it. Please give it a thought before you suggest anything.

Thanks.

 

[honeynut]

Your decision is made. She has been informed. This is over. Talking to her is pointless especially when she is this emotional. I suggest that if you insist on talking to her face-to-face you do so only after some time has passed. Right now she deserves no better than your letter, no closure, no last chances. She has used them all up. Change your phone number.

 

[Gale]

Stay strong Kevin. You have taken your first steps towards your future. Please do not let her tears manipulate you. If you have an answering machine, disconnect it so you do not have to listen to messages from her. Make this as clean as possible by having no further contact with her. What will a conversation with her achieve - as you say, she will only run away, not hear it, or otherwise try to manipulate you into a situation you do not wish to be in any longer. Do not loose your resolve when you have made it this far already! You have taken some of the most difficult steps already. You can do it Kevin.

 

[FireGoddess]

Once AGAIN, I believe you told her in your letter NOT TO CONTACT you.

She is ALREADY not listening to you by calling you.
At LEAST listen to YOURSELF. DO NOT CONTACT HER.

The letter IS your clean break. You are too emotionally vulnerable to discuss ANYTHING WITH HER. Please just ignore her calls. Actually, forget the please. IGNORE HER CALLS.

 

[appletini]

DO NOT CALL HER BACK! DO NOT ANSWER HER CALLS! CHANGE ALL OF YOUR PHONE NUMBERS! IF YOU DON''T HAVE CALLER ID AT WORK, I''M SURE THEY CAN GET YOU A PHONE THAT HAS IT!!!!

 

[Kaleigh]

kevine,
You asked us to take a moment before responding. Ok moments passed, DO NOT TALK TO HER PERIOD END OF STORY!!!! Of course she will try to cry herself out of this, but that's HER problem NOT yours. The book is closed on her, time to write a new chapter in YOUR book. She's going to be desperate for some time, and I can't even imagine what she'll do next!! Stay strong, Stay focused and turn off the volume on your answering machine. And better yet change ALL your phone numbers. We wish you all the best during this difficult time.

 

[katrina_33]

Kevin, this is ultimately about your own self respect.

Someday soon you will have the self respect it would have taken to confront her in person and really stand up for yourself at the time of the breakup. But, by then it will be irrelevant, because it will all be over and done, and you will be using your newfound self respect to do wonderful things and you won''t have time to or want to revisit that chapter in your past.

For now, just recognize your own weakness in this respect for what it is, and at least don''t set yourself up for failure by giving her your ear.

Fake it until you make it, I believe the saying goes!!!

 

[MrsFrk]

Date: 2/22/2005 9

8:51 PM
Author: katrina_33
Kevin, this is ultimately about your own self respect.


Someday soon you will have the self respect it would have taken to confront her in person and really stand up for yourself at the time of the breakup. But, by then it will be irrelevant, because it will all be over and done, and you will be using your newfound self respect to do wonderful things and you won't have time to or want to revisit that chapter in your past.


For now, just recognize your own weakness in this respect for what it is, and at least don't set yourself up for failure by giving her your ear.


Fake it until you make it, I believe the saying goes!!!

LISTEN TO KATRINA!

Kevin- this is now about YOU. Are you a man who deserves a woman who loves him and cherishes him, and treats him well, or do you deserve to be treated like sh!t? This is the question- only you know the answer.

STAY STRONG, BUDDY! We're all rooting for you.

 

[blueroses]

DO NOT CALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


DO NOT CALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


D O N O T C A L L !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[MaybeDayze]

FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT RAJA!

Congratulations on making the first step!

You've got all the PScopers pulling for you.

We wish you nothing but the best!

 

[Patty]

Good for you, Raja! You''ve done it. We are all proud of you. Hang in there and do not give in to her begging and needing to talk. There is nothing to talk about.

YOU DID IT!

 

[chantal990]

Kevin,

DON''T CALL HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Youre a really nice guy and you deserve a woman who can appreciate that in you without taking advantage of you. Your situation sounds so familiar for a friend of mine who met a girl (through me I am ashamed to say

) . At the time she had a boyfriend and they met when a group of us went out for drinks one night after work and my mate came along. She saw her was the better sfater option than what she had at home and moved in for the kill. He couldn''t go out with his friends (most of whom stopped speaking to him cause he wasn''t allowed to speak to them) he couldn''t glance in the general direction of a girl over 12 and under 70 without being accused of wanting to sleep with her. This girl even yelled at my friends mum (who is the sweetest lady on the face of this earth) cause the family photo album had his formal photos from 10 years ago and he had a date for the night (this was 9 years before he met this fruitloop). He brought a house she mamaged to get her name on the title without contributing a cent. She also had a guy on the side and the bad taste to bring him to my mate''s birthday

. Finanlly the relationship fell apart for good and all his friends rejoiced however there was still the house and stuff to sort out. That''s just been sorted and my mate is a freeman now. But it could of easily gone the other way. She was constantly harping on getting engaged and picking out rings and stuff but she was more inlove with the wedding and not the marriage.

Sometimes not matter how badly you want to it is impossible to make a clean break from a person cause they will try their best not to let you but you have to be strong. No matter how nice and sweet a person can act when they want you back remember most often that''s all it is an act until their personality reasserts itself.