Its a sad, sad situation ....... help please ladies

[kevinraja]

I hope I am posting at the right forum.

I have (had?) been with this girl for almost 5 years. There were some off times in the first 2 years, when I used to find that she communicates with other guys (thru email). When I raised the issue, she apologized, and said that she will never do it again, and that she loves me so much. It is going to be five years now. Recently I found out that she is seeing this other guy for the past 9+ months or so, when she is still with me. I didn''t know this before. I bought a ring in October 2004 to propose to her on her b''day. She went missing from home (her home where she lives with her mom, dad and 3 younger sisters) for a week in the beginning, came back home, and went missing again for a month. She is 26 btw. She didn''t spend the b''day with me, so I couldn''t propose, and I returned the ring. After she came back, I found out that she was cheating on me with this other guy. When she came back, she cried and apologized saying that she want to be with me, and asked me whether I want to get engaged to her. Since I am very forgiving and love her more than anything, I agreed. We went shopping, she showed me diamond shape she likes, and the setting. I shopped around for a month or 2 before buying the e-ring for about 10K. she wanted to get engaged on Feb 14th. I was eagerly waiting for the day. This weekend, she went missing again. Now my ring return policy is over, and I am left with a 10K ring, which I can''t sell. She spends time at this other guy''s house. Her family is very conservative and they don''t like her doing any of what she was doing. Her whole family loves me to death, and they don''t want her daughter to lose me.

When she came back on Feb 15th, I confronted her. I asked her what she was doing, and to tell me whether she wants to be with me or "him". She told me that she is not sure. I love this girl so much that I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but unfortunately she has another option now. I asked her multiple times that she has to decide on either me or "him." She always responded that she needs time to think about and that she doesn''t know the answer. I asked her how much sure she is about wanting to be with him/me. She responded that she is 90% sure about wanting to be with me, and 10% sure about wanting to spend the rest of her life with him. She also mentioned that I am the best thing that happenned in her life. I told her "then what is it that makes your decision making so hard?" She didn''t talk, she generally doesn''t talk when she is in a corner. I do the talking, ask her questions, but she would rather tell me "I need to leave, this is stressing me out, I need time to think." I am so sad and depressed, and don''t want to loose her. She sure does love me, but I don''t understand what it is that is keeping her from making a firm decision. I told her that if she choose him, I am okay with that and that I will move on after 5 years of relationship with her. I told her that it is going to be the hardest thing in my life to move on without her, but I should be okay in the long term. She didn''t respond. Ladies, can you please explain what she is thinking here, and possibly, what she has in her mind?

I am a Ph.D. holder working as a scientist. She has a BS degree with on and off job situation, because she never likes any job that she joins, so she quits in months. The other guy in question works in a morgtage loan arrangement company. From what she told me that I am more stable in all aspects.

She even mentioned that I am the safest pick and that the other guy is risky. Inspite of all her rational leaning towards me why is she not able to decide. Her family is so conservative islamic people, who don''t like any of daughters to spend nights at other places, nor allowed to drink or smoke. My girl in question drinks, and told me that recently she also tried drugs. What do I do here? I so much want our relationshiop to get back on track and work. Should I just walk away from her? I think that she takes me for granted, and that I will be there for her regarless. She thinks that she does guy shopping knowing that I will be there for her, if her shopping doesn''t work out. Should I just walk away, or should I wait? I love this girl so much, and I can''t imagine a life without her. I love her family. Haveing spent the time, energy and emotions on her for the last 5 years, it is very hard for me to just quit and run. Please help me. I am not ashamed to say that I cry a lot. It drains me out that I can''t sleep, eat or do my job. I feel sad and depresed all the time.

Please help me. Please....................

 

[appletini]

Kevin,

I was wondering why I hadn''t seen you in awhile. First of all I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this terrible situation. I''m going to be blunt, but please know that I am looking out for your best interest.

If you are the best thing to ever happen to her, then she would not treat you this way. From the way you describe her, she sounds like she is bipolar and probably needs to see a shrink and get some meds. As for the cheating and the other guy, once you lose trust in a relationship it is almost impossible to gain it back. Even if she picks you, you will always wonder what if she does it again.

In my own experience I have been the not so faithful girlfriend with my ex, he was comfortable (and we were together 5.5 years), but I was always looking for something better. Then when it finally came engagement time, I knew it was getting close and broke up with him two days before he was going to buy the ring...I knew I couldn''t marry him, and I wasn''t going to make the break up any harder that it had to be by rejecting a proposal.

If she truly loves you, she wouldn''t just disappear without warning and have another BF at the same time for 9 months, not to mention encourage you to buy a ring for a proposal that she didn''t know how to answer.

I''m sure that her actions are equally trying on her family, and while her family loves you, you will be marrying her.

I know that you will find someone very wonderful, who deserves all the love you have to give, including a fabulous ring someday. Everything happens for a reason, and it how you handle these situations that defines who you are as a person.

One reason my boyfriend and I knew we were meant to be is that we bring out the best in each other, we make each other happy and laugh, and for the first time in both of our lives we are not selfish in the relationship...we care about the "we" not the "me".

I hope things get better for you and the LIWs is the perfect place for you to come and talk about this.

oh and as for the ring perhaps you could sell it: put an ad on www.diamondtalk.com or in your local paper.

 

[JCJD]

Oh dear... I''m so sorry kevin. This has to be torture for you. I can tell you right now that you are probably not going to like what I have to say, but here''s my $0.02....

She is taking you for granted, she is a freeloader, she is a gold digger, she will not discuss your relationship and your future together, she is terrified of confrontation, she is dead-set on playing the field for a while, she is terrified of committment, she is not ready to be married, she does not want to be married to you, at least not right now, and I can guarantee that if she does agree to marry you now, she will cheat again and again and again.

This is a very very emotionally abusive relationship you are in - she openly cheats on you, but you take her back - she is taking complete advantage of your love for her and not returning it like you deserve. You looked for rings together and agreed on a proposal date, but she backed out on the agreed upon date to spend it with another guy, leaving you, figuratively, hanging in the wind, for the second time!!!!! She does not respect you as her boyfriend, your relationship, your love for her, or you as a fellow human being.

You deserve so much more than this emotional rollercoaster ride!!! You should not propose marriage to someone who is not 115% sure that you are the one!!! You are too good for this girl!!! Give her an ultimatum - she completely cleans up her act, stops seeing this guy for good, stops running away from home (she''s 26 years old for goodness sakes - grow up lady!!), stops with the drugs at least, and completely commits to you or it''s over - no looking back!!! This is the least she should WANT to do for the man she loves and wants to spend the rest of her life with, and you deserve nothing less. In fact, you deserve MORE than this because of all the torture she has willingly and repeatedly been putting you through!

Please, look deep into your heart and honestly think about this girl and this "relationship". Do you truly want to be married to a girl who won''t hold a job, runs away from her family for weeks on end, repeatedly cheats on you, and can''t decide if you''re the one? My heart goes out to you in this situation. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[kevinraja]

If you are the best thing to ever happen to her, then she would not treat you this way. From the way you describe her, she sounds like she is bipolar and probably needs to see a shrink and get some meds. As for the cheating and the other guy, once you lose trust in a relationship it is almost impossible to gain it back. Even if she picks you, you will always wonder what if she does it again.

fdI thought the same thing recently, maybe, she is sufferring from bipolar disorder. She does show symptoms of that. She is very excited about life one time, and then suddenly for no reason the next day, she is all depressed with her life and her future.

And, I agree with your sentence on trust. It is quite hard to gain it back. But I tried so hard to trust her again, even though I was a little worried on the side hoping that she wouldn''t do the same things again.

Thanks for your advice appletini. It has been the hardest 6-8 months of my life. I wouldn''t even wish my enemy suffer what I am going through. Sometimes I think, wether I will ever be able to get out this mess I am in.

 

[yellowfan]

Kevin,

So sorry to hear your going thru this. I''m afraid since she''s torn between the two of you, you may end up hurt. Some girls like the risky situations and will go back to someone that is not so good for them, instead of the obvious choice, stable choice, which is you. I don''t think you should get back involved if you feel that she will always do this, and if you don;t have trust, you don''t have anything. Do you want your mind to wonder every night shes late coming home, etc. If she''s not willing to go thru counseling and make a effort to change, I think it will be hard for you but you need to move on with your life. If you haven''t been seeing others then you should not except this kind of treatment from her. You deserve better. Look toward the future, I''m sure at some point you will want children, do you want children with a woman you can''t trust to say where she goes or do the right things? I''ve seen good guys get hurt by trying to make things work with a woman, who maybe doesn''t know what she wants in life. I would try my hardest to back off and see how I feel. You also need to clear your head by not seeing her or speaking with her for a while. That way you can see how you truly feel.

Lori

 

[kevinraja]

Thank you JCJD. I agree with you in all you said. I thought the same way. But sometimes, I felt that I think this way, maybe, because I am mad at this whole damn thing. I am unsure of my decisions and thought process when I am this emotional. It feels good to hear it from someone who is not emotional, and vindicates what I should or shouldn''t do.

I dreamt about our future, engagement, and so many other things more than any girl would dream. It feels heart-breaking to see all tumble right in front of my eyes after this many years. It is disheartening to know that I spend all my time and energy for nothing.

 

[Croí]

Kevin
while I obviously have no idea about you or your life, from what you have written here, I have one thing to say -

No-one (who is faithful and loving in a relationship) deserves to be treated as you are being treated.

Walk away and start anew. Realise that you deserve more. Walking away after five years and when you really love the person will be hard but I walked away after eleven and I really loved him - but it was still the right decision and after a period of sadness and pain (just grieving really) I found an AMAZING person to share my life with and now we are getting married. Looking back I am SO grateful I did not stay on the path I was on with my former bf.

She doesn''t respect you ... and the simple truth is that "love" is nothing without respect.

I wish you so much luck and happiness - unfortunately, I don''t think you are going to find it with this woman.

 

[appletini]

Kevin my heart truly goes out to you. Take your lemons and make lemonade. I know this is so hard for you right now, but a day will come where everything comes into perspective, and you will be so glad that things happened the way they did.

I know you want to trust her, but in your heart you know that you can''t.

The best breakup advice is to have a clean break. Cut off all contact with her, and even with her family (I know you are very close to them). You could write her family a letter letting them know how much they meant to you. I know they will understand that this relationship is not fair to you. And hopefully they can encourage her to get help, but she has to recognize that she has a problem and be willing to deal with it.

Use this time to focus on yourself...stay busy with school/work, spend more time with friends, exercise more, meet new people.

 

[Kaleigh]

Kevin,
I was wondering where you have been and I am sorry for your current situation with your girlfriend. I agree with everyone else. She is in no way capable of being in a stable relationship at this time. I feel she has issues which need to be addressed, bipolar etc.. She uses you because she knows she can always come back to you. To say that you are a safe choice is an understatement. You are too good of a person to be led down this long miserable path. I know it''s going to be hard on you, but it will be all the more harder if you continue to see her. I believe you are better off without her. Everything happens for a reason, you will meet someone else someone who deserves you and treats you with love and respect. My thoughts are with you during this difficult time.

 

[yellowfan]

Kevin,

Also, its better to get out of it now than when you are married and maybe with children. I really think you may benefit from some counseling or even a mild nerve pill while you are sorting this all out. I didn''t want my post to sound harsh to you, its just that I think your being taken advantage of, and since your thinking with your heart your getting hurt. Think of the future, and there is always someone out there for everyone.

 

[appletini]

Kevin you didn''t waste your time, all these experiences are part of who you are, and when Miss Right comes along it will be much easier for you to recognize her. Oh and my other relationship advice (more of a joke) the quickest way to get over someone is to find someone else, so maybe there is a fun rebound girl in your future to distract you for a little while.

And I agree with Croi, RESPECT is very important in a relationship!!! When my BF & I started dating he would always tell me how pretty I was, etc, and one day he told me how he had so much respect for me, and that was the best thing that any guy had ever said to me.

 

[MaybeDayze]

Kevin,
There is A LOT I could say, but one thing is MOST important.

You deserve to be treated with respect and love, if she loves you as much as she professes she would understand this, and behave accordingly. Ask any woman who loves her man.

Why would you take such abuse? What would you say to a friend in your situation.

It sounds like this relationship has developed into a VICIOUS CYCLE of emotional abuse, you're the only one strong enough to stop it. It just not healthy for either of you.

I think that Appletini is correct, it does indeed sound as if your Girlfriend is bipolar. Her behavior is VERY typical of someone with bipolar in a "relationship." She needs help, help you can't give to her. You are essentially her victim. She will continue to treat you this way, no matter what you say or do. No ultimatum can help. After all these years she knows you'll always forgive her. There is only one thing you can do. You've got to let her go! Do the right thing for youself!

Imagine a marriage that would develop out of such a relationship, it would be a train wreck. She would continue to cheat and lie and disappear. Trust me you don't want that for yourself, or your family, or even her!

It's really hard to let someone you love go, someone you've invested so much time and love in. (I know this!) It stays with you for years, there will be lots of what ifs. However, when you find the person who completes you - it will be worth the heartache.

Find someone who will treat you as you would treat her! Do the right thing for yourself!
My heart TRULY goes out to you -
from one who stood where you stand.

 

[kevinraja]

Thanks yellowfan. I did propose her taking counseling for her addictions and mental instability. She always says that she can take care of them herself. She is always in denial. She is one who is afraid of making decisions, even small ones, like mailing a mail-in-rebate form. I told her that if she has any problem that she needs my help to recitify, I will be all for her. But she denies her having any problems.

I treated her like a princess. Everytime she nees to apply for a job, I draft the coverletter or the resume. I encourage her when she is down. I did so many things for her, expecting nothing in return except her love.

I confronted her last, yesterday, when she came to apt, and made dinner for me. She cried that she put me through this. I know for sure that she loves me, but there is something, I believe, that she is not sure about. Maybe she if afraid of commitment, or maybe she is not sure about spending her life with me. I don''t know what it is. But there is something. After a series of questions from me yesterday, she left home, saying that she can''t take this stress anymore that she needs a day or two to make up her mind.

I asked her early this week, that if I were to propose last thursday, would she have said "yes". She said she would have said "yes." I asked her if I were to propose now, what would she say? She said "I am not sure." I asked her what changed in the one week? Maybe she is afraid of commitment. Could it be?

I postponed my car-buying for a year or two just to buy her the ring. She knows it. She hates to hear from me whenever I say, that "if I know you don''t want to be with me, at least I can find someone who loves me and want to be with me." She get jealous and mad when I associate myself with another girl, even hypothetically. She is so jealous that she doesn''t even want me to see "desperate housewives" or semi-naked BET hip-hop songs. All this despite me not looking at another girl over the last 5 years. Even when I see a beautiful girl on the road or outside, I immediately think about my girl, and how great she is.

I feel like I want to keep ranting. I am just sad.

 

[MaybeDayze]

Kevin, Keep ranting! It's healthy! Everything you are feeling is healthy.

Just think my life with her would suck! She can't even fill out a rebate form!

 

[appletini]

She won''t let you watch Desperate Housewives?!?!!! That is insane and jealousy is a very bad thing. Run away and don''t ever look back!!!

 

[yellowfan]

Kevin,

If she wants to "control" what you watch on tv like videos, or night time tv, sounds like to me there is definitely something mentally going on with her. I don;t know anyone who would be upset over those things. Your going to have to end this for your sake. I think youve told us here that youve done everything you could for her and now its time for you to find someone who is that for you. I think exercize will help a lot with your stress relief. I hate to hear anyone going thru things like this. I hope that soon things will be in a clearer perspective for you as you move on with your life. What do your parents and family members say? Are they supportive of you?

 

[appletini]

Does she have a key to your place? If she does, have the locks changed ASAP.

 

[kevinraja]

I never told any of my family members about any bad things going on this relationshiop for this one reason: "If I tell my family or friends about this, and then if we get over this and be married in the future, I didn't want my family or friends to disrespect her in any way" That is why I never revealed any of these to my family or friends. I live in DC right now. I moved here 6 months ago, after completing my Ph.D in Dallas. I had (and have) friends in Dallas, but I don't have any friends here in DC. If you wonder what am I doing with this girl from Dallas, we both went to same school in dallas, with me doing my MS and PH.D, while she was doing here BS. She finished her degree, moved over to DC with her family, two years ago, while I moved to DC 6 months. We visited each other several times during the year during our 18 months of separation, with her in DC and me in Dallas.

Her Mom cries to tears when she says that she doesn't want her daughter to lose you, but she told me that she will certainly understand if I decide to leave her. Her 17 year old youngest sister told her MOM (I heard this from her Mom) that she (my gf) would be stupid to let me go, and that she will never talk to her sister if does let me go. I just love her family so much. Her father likes me a lot, and her other sisters too. I don't like the fact that I have to give up my beautiful relationship on a friendly family because of her.

Nope she does not have keys to my place.

 

[snlee]

kevinraja, I''m so sorry you are going through this. I know 5 years is a long time and it''s so very hard to leave. But she doesn''t deserve you!! And YOU should not want to marry someone who is cheating on you. I can''t believe she has the nerve to make you buy her a 10K ring, she disappears without telling you where she''s going, and is so jealous that she won''t let you watch desperate housewives!!!

At first I wasn''t going to comment b/c everyone else has said what I wanted to say. I just couldn''t bite my tongue any longer!!

 

[appletini]

Kevin that''s sweet that you didn''t want your family to disrespect her, but sometimes mom & dad''s and siblings can see things that we can''t b/c they are not wearing rose colored glasses.

My grandmother never liked my ex and it was no secret and we had many arguments about it at the time, but now I totally agree with her (hindsight is always 20/20). Plus she is in love with my BF, if he were 50 years older or she were 50 years younger, she''d steal him for herself.

 

[MaybeDayze]

Kevin,
You can''t make this decision about anyone else, this is your life, your happiness.
Her family is simply that, her family, they will advocate for her till the cows come home. They are ineffect manipulating you, guilting you with such discussions. Have you considered the fact that she may not be able to break up with you because of them - Because they are pressuring her to choose who they wish? (They sound like a very traditional Islamic family.)

It''s time to talk to someone who has YOUR best interests at heart. You need someone you love and trust to talk to, this is hard. It''s not going to be easy. Where does your family live, are they close? Did you move to DC to be closer to your GF? If you did perhaps a move is in order?

I think you know that a marriage between you wouldn''t work. You can''t marry someone for their family. You BOTH have to be in it for eachother, and want to spend every second of everyday together. Her inability to commit is a sign that there is something in the relationship that doesn''t work for her. (On top of that Fact that she needs emotional/behavioral help.) It sounds like this relationship doesn''t work for you either. You shouldn''t be miserable and in love.

 

[yellowfan]

Kevin,

If you haven''t talked to your Mom or Dad about this I think you should tell them now. You will need the support of your family. If you did move to DC to be with her, I think going back to Dallas would be good to help you heal, you said you have friends in Dallas. With no friends or family in DC I think this will get you down even more. You need your pals and siblings when times are not going smoothly.

 

[moremoremore]

Oh boy. I kind of skimmed b/c I'm at work...but here's is my tough love take on things.

Marriage is hard work. The EASY part is saying yes and knowing you want to be together for the rest of your lives. This MUST be true for both of you. When you are dealing with these kinds of issues even before you're married or engaged- my take is that it isn't meant to be.
I'm a firm believer in removing yourself from situations that are harmful to you in any way...including emotionally. I dated a loser for 6 years and thought I'd just die without him. Hmm. Apparently not. I found my hubby a little less than one year later. GOD, if I had married that LOSER, I'd have to kill myself. WASN'T MEANT TO BE.

This should be a no brainer. You both must want it. You can't change someone and you can't make them love you. You shouldn;t have to chase her or convince her. I'm REALLY sorry.

I say remove yourself from her. Quickly. If time passes and she chills out and she wants to be with you and you happen to be available, well, there you have it.

PS- once a cheater, always a cheater (when you're that far into a relationship...I don't mean when you're just dating)

p.p.s. keep the ring. give it to a nice girl.

 

[blueroses]

Kevin, I''m so very sorry that you are suffering through such an abusive and demoralizing situation--because she IS abusing you emotionally, mentally, and above all, she''s abusing your trust.

I agree with the many others who''ve mentioned bipolar disorder. Your gf sounds a LOT like a former classmate of mine who is bipolar, and she put her ex (a good friend of mine) through similar drama. She needs help, and not the kind of help you so desperately want to be able to give her yourself.

Her self-destructive behavior isn''t going to just stop because you love her, unfortunately. She''s a hazard to herself, your relationship, and to you--and you don''t deserve the grief. I know how heartbreaking it is for you to consider the loss of her family in your life, but you have to take care of YOURSELF here. I''d strongly recommend some counseling for you. Until she can be good to herself (and I hate to say it, but I don''t see any indication of that happening any time soon) then she''s a detriment to you. It''s not a waste of 5.5 years--you''ve learned and grown and loved so much--but are you prepared for another 50 of the same?

Please keep venting and sharing and getting what YOU need to bolster yourself. The choice is yours, but I think that a clean break and some time to heal will probably be in order. I know you love her, but you can''t have a life with someone who can''t love you, because she doesn''t love herself--or have the capability to do so in this state.

We''re here for you!

 

[MaybeDayze]

Kevin,
I agree with Appletini. It is sweet that you didn''t want to taint your relationship in your families eyes -

HOWEVER - it is very important that your family know your future spouse, who they truly are, and that they treat you well.

Perhaps your lack of disclosure has made an impression on your family anyways, I''m sure they know you''re not happy - and I''m willing to bet they know why.

Families are amazing - they are very good at spotting a good catch and a lousy one!

Kevin, it''s time to lean on your own family, you need your own support system, you can''t go through this alone.

 

[rms]

kevinraja,
I am so very sorry for your situation. It is so so sad to think that you invested all this time into your relationship, that you care for this girl in so many ways that I would like to think that any person would want in their life. I hate to say it but I have a close friend who was in a very similar situation to yours a few years ago. He said something interesting once:
"It''s not that I am worried whether I am THE ONE for her. I am more worried that I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE for her."

His girlfriend, AND THEN FIANCE (because they did get engaged), could never truly decide between him and another guy. She dated both of them off and on FOR YEARS, and believe it or not they both knew it and somehow were both in a crazy trance of love towards her. She admitted to me once that she was afraid that if she chose 1 of them, that she would be missing out on something exciting in life somehow....at least at that point in her life.

After my friend and her got engaged, she tells the other guy she finally chose. THEN, months and months later, after she had made absolutely no wedding plans and always finding reasons to delay, my friend broke off the engagement. Guess why...because he found out that she was cheating on him.....WITH THE SAME OTHER GUY.

You deserve all the happiness in the world...never forget that or try to make it work when you know deep inside that it probably won''t. I myself did that for years. I was with someone for 3 years...he was not cheating on me, but without a doubt he didn''t respect me and didn''t love me.

Keep your chin up!!

 

[kevinraja]

I agree, sometimes I feel that they love me so much that they don''t want her to lose me. Her mom tells me all the time, that she sides with me rather than with her daughter. Did I mention I am only 27, and that she is 26. I know that, they know in their hearts that I am a greatest catch for her daughter could ever land. They have said me that. Yes, they are a very traditional islamic family. My family doesn''t leave here. They live in South-Asia (dont want to mention the country at this time). I know people here on this forum are smart enough to guess the country knowing that I have a Ph.D. I consider myself very close to my Mother. I feel very relieved and relaxed whenver I talk to her. I sure am going to tell her the story soon, with just mentioning it as a misurderstanding and not detail it as a cheaing, because her heart will break if she knows that her son was going through this.

After my Ph.D. I did get several offers from all over. But I chose DC inspite of smaller pay, because I wanted to be with her. I work as a postdoc researcher right now at the best place that I could imagine, National Institutes of Health. I plan to stay here and get a full-time job. Alternatively, I can apply for Professor job anywhere and leave DC altogether.

 

[Daniela]

First of all, let me say that all of my sympathy is with you. Your situation really sucks, and no matter what happens, it''s bound to be ugly. She''s not ready to deal with her problems (or even admit she has any), which means that unfortunately, based on what you''ve told us, I don''t think this relationship can work. If she can''t be honest with herself, can''t be honest with you, and can''t make a decision, there really isn''t much hope for long-term happiness (even if you could convince her to get engaged). Unless she faces her problems and commitment issues and seeks professional help, you need to preserve yourself and walk away so you can start the healing process.

You have talked a lot about her family. I have a friend who says, "If you marry a cow, you marry its tail" (it''s an African expression, apparently). This is an expression that means that if you marry a person, you''re stuck with their family. You, however, have the opposite problem: walking away from her family would be really difficult for you. Let me emphasize, though, that you can''t just marry someone with that many problems just because you love her family. First comes the good relationship with your partner, and then everything else is secondary. Loving her family and feeling at home with them should not enter into the question of whether or not you break up with her.

As for the expensive ring, you will be able to sell it (eventually), or you could keep it for a future engagement and change the mounting. All is not lost on that front. Worry about your relationship situation first, and then consider the problem of the ring.

My heart goes out to you.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Wow. First let me say that I am so sorry that you are going through this heartbreak right now. I know it must feel like the world is going to end. Keep ranting and venting away.

Secondly, like others have said, you may not like what I am going to say, but here goes. If I were you, I'd see this situation as a blessing in disguise. This is a clear sign that this relationship, at this place and time, is not right for you. It seems that you have probably been in denial about the trouble your relationship was in, from the time you caught her emailing other guys to now. You've ignored the signs because you love her. But now it's time to wake up.

I was in a 3.5 year relationship. My ex had an unofficial diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. Our relationship was very much full of ups and major downs. I too ignored all the signs that our relationship was bad until one day, it culminated in him getting smashing drunk and throwing me into a wall several times. I wasn't really hurt- I did have a few bruises that lasted 8 days, but I consider myself lucky that a few bruises were the final wake up sign. I loved him with all my heart, but he wasn't able to give real love because he wasn't whole mentally. After that night, I never saw him again. I feel your girlfriend either truly does not love you back or she is incapable mentally of loving you in a healthy way.

The question for you is, these ups and downs, this cheating, etc- this has been a part of your life for awhile now. You are miserable because of it. Do you really want the rest of your life to be this way, until you're 90 years old? Wondering where she is or if she'll leave you? Really think hard- you may love her so much, but are you willing to accept the drama that will be if you stay with her. I wouldn't, and I didn't accept it in my own life, but this is something that only YOU can answer truthfully.

And bad endings do have happy beginnings. Shortly after, I started dating my now husband and let me tell you, I finally know what a real relationship is.

 

[kevinraja]

Mine did get pregnant once, in Sept 2004, with this other guy, which I found out later going through her hand bag picking up doctor''s prescription and other related documents.

Thank YOU Sooooooooooooo very much for all your emotional support and guidance. I feel a lot better than what I felt when I started this thread. Thank you again, and keep posting your thoughts. I hope to read this thread again and again, if and when I fell down, sad or depressed. I do have friends... YOU all are my friends. I just have to find things to do on my own, and keep myself busy so that I forget all this.