I'm a widow

[whitewave]

Awwww, pinto. HUGS to you! I'm (a lapsed) Catholic and none of that means anything whether your DH was in an altered state or not. Only God decides and God has an infinite ability for mercy and love, and I believe a complete understanding of human nature. He is our Father, after all (if you are religious). As a parent loves a child.... no parent would condem a child to hell for human fallibility such as drinking or whatnot-- indirectly killing of ones self is not deliberate. Even if it was, the substance clouds judgement, etc...

I think you have nothing to worry about in this regard. I think Mike is safe and loved in paradise. (Though I wish he were here with you still)

 

[december-fire]

Pinto,

I'm glad you asked your friend to be with you tomorrow.
If a friend could use your support, you'd want them to let you know, so continue to ask for what you need or would like from your friends and from us.

Tomorrow will probably be pretty rough.
I think of the dress you previously posted that you bought for this anniversary.
With time, Michael's love and the wonderful times you had together will soften the pain.

I continue to think about you and send thoughts and prayers for comfort and strength.

Hugs to you.

 

[Matata]

The "firsts" after the death of a loved one are especially painful -- first anniversary without him, first birthday, holidays. It's ok to grieve and be joyful and angry at the same time. Grieve the absence, celebrate joyful memories, vent over disappointments. I have a ritual that I use for special occasions related to departed loved ones. I and one other close friend/relative of the deceased go to the departed's favorite restaurant and order his/her favorite dinner & drink. While we enjoy our dinners, we recount special times -- those that brought us joy, sorrow, and anger. We get side-eye from the server about that untouched dinner and drink and that adds to the joyful moments. Sometimes I only need to do it once and sometimes I do it annually depending on what the person meant to me and how the absence continues to affect me.

Tomorrow is one of the firsts you'll get through -- do it your way, don't hold back, rage/cry/laugh live.

 

[MissGotRocks]

Matata is absolutely correct - the firsts are always rough. It is all part of grief and the edges do soften over time. Spend the day any way you choose - I hope you can spend it doing something that you enjoy and it's nice that you will have a good friend to join you! Hugs to you!!

 

[MollyMalone]

Warm thoughts, tender hugs for you today, PB.

 

[december-fire]

Love, support and strength to you, Pinto.

 

[yennyfire]

Sending much love and support today PB! I'm glad you've surrounded yourself with friends to bolster you through this "first" first....

 

[TooPatient]

Sending you lots of extra hugs and healing thoughts today.

 

[azstonie]

Hi PB, thinking of you and Mike on this day.

 

[Calliecake]

Sending hugs and more hugs to you Pinto.

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

Sending thoughts and strenght ro you...
I know those "firsts" roo well.

 

[tyty333]

Sending out hugs to you Pinto...

 

[valeria101]

PB, I hope that you no longer need this thread !

__
Let me explain,
On Thursday - that is to say, ages ago - your post almost sounded that way, with a crowd of real-life friends mentioned. Then again, imagination has its way of doubting good news ...

 

[december-fire]

Pinto, I suspect yesterday was probably emotionally draining.

Sending comforting thoughts and hugs.

 

[mochiko42]

Pinto. Thinking of you on this day! I was in the supermarket yesterday and randomly I just saw a can of pinto beans. I swear it was a sign!! (cuz you know, where I live pinto beans are not that common because they have to be imported from the US.)

Hug hug!!

 

[PintoBean]

Thank you for thinking of me. As the time approached midnight on September 1, I started getting teary eyed a few times. We used to be big on counting down to midnight for special dates. When it turned September 2 it was weird.

I have developed the sleeping habits of a frat boy. Last night or this morning I fell asleep at
5 am and woke up every couple hours until 620 pm lolol.

 

[Tekate]

My dear, sweet Pinto Bean.. my heart aches for you. BUT when I read what you and others say I know that there's a part of you that is so cool, so strong and so chick that I don't worry about you till I worry about you. No one deserves this hand you have been dealt. I think of you every day.. I hold you in my heart.

Thank you for thinking of me. As the time approached midnight on September 1, I started getting teary eyed a few times. We used to be big on counting down to midnight for special dates. When it turned September 2 it was weird.

I have developed the sleeping habits of a frat boy. Last night or this morning I fell asleep at
5 am and woke up every couple hours until 620 pm lolol.

 

[mochiko42]

Thank you for thinking of me. As the time approached midnight on September 1, I started getting teary eyed a few times. We used to be big on counting down to midnight for special dates. When it turned September 2 it was weird.

I have developed the sleeping habits of a frat boy. Last night or this morning I fell asleep at
5 am and woke up every couple hours until 620 pm lolol.

Aww, my dear. I cannot imagine how you must have felt that night. I have been amazed at your fortitude and ability to smile even through the tears.

Sleep is healing. So sleep whenever you can! I sometimes take a little nap during the afternoon too. One of the smartest people I know (like genius-level smart) is a firm believer in naps and snoozing at odd hours. So who am I to argue?

 

[lovedogs]

awwww, Pinto! I feel so deeply for you. Sleep is the greatest thing ever--and if you feel tired then sleep. Our bodies and brains have a way of using sleep to heal. Obviously at some point sleeping all the time becomes problematic, but at first just sleep when you want to. Sending you all the hugs in the world!

 

[Hayley87]

I've been thinking of you, PB. I'm glad you're sleeping if you feel like it, no matter what time of day it comes.

Do you have a bathtub at home? I feel like an awesome bath would be clutch right now for you, especially before you tuck in to bed. Have you ever used a Lush bath bomb? I will literally buy some and have them sent to your house if that sounds relaxing--let me know, and I'll share my email with you

 

[PintoBean]

It's frustrating that my sleep was improving until the ashes were interred.:roll

I spoke to a friend on Saturday who was surprised that I've been alone all this time. That no one came to sleepover and that most people checked out soon after the funeral. I wasn't surprised bc PSers forewarned me. Yes I felt lonely but I wasn't as disappointed.

I am proud of the fact that I can drive now. Not that long ago I was a shaky driver with a clouded head.

I wish I had bling projects on the horizon or any shopping interests. I can't believe I'm uninspired by shop therapy. I still get dark colored polishes during pedicures bc they fit my mood better lol.

 

[mochiko42]

It's frustrating that my sleep was improving until the ashes were interred.:roll

I spoke to a friend on Saturday who was surprised that I've been alone all this time. That no one came to sleepover and that most people checked out soon after the funeral. I wasn't surprised bc PSers forewarned me. Yes I felt lonely but I wasn't as disappointed.

I am proud of the fact that I can drive now. Not that long ago I was a shaky driver with a clouded head.

I wish I had bling projects on the horizon or any shopping interests. I can't believe I'm uninspired by shop therapy. I still get dark colored polishes during pedicures bc they fit my mood better lol.

PB, if you want to do something completely crazy, why don't you get on a plane next week and we can go to the September Diamond Gem & Jewelry trade show in Hong Kong (it's THE biggest show of the year here, like Vegas or Tucson but more international), we can go for foot massages and eat lots of dim sum and dumplings!!! Maybe just daydreaming here but hey if you're up for it, I am, LOL

 

[Queenie60]

Thinking of you each and every day. Take care Pinto. Big, Huge hugs ((()))

 

[valeria101]

I have developed the sleeping habits of a frat boy. Last night or this morning I fell asleep at 5 am and woke up every couple hours until 620 pm lolol.

2 - 5 AM, best time to work, IHMO.

What came of the exam idea ?

 

[december-fire]

Pinto,

I'm glad you're now able to drive.

Its understandable that you're not inspired by shopping therapy. After such a devastating loss, it can be hard to find joy, even in things that you used to love. Be gentle with yourself. Trust that things will improve with time, however, it isn't a linear improvement. Special occasions, certain music or places, even ads on TV, can trigger feelings of pain and sadness that will make you wonder if you'll ever get over this. You will. You'll never forget your DH, but the pain will be softened by fond memories.

Sending comforting hugs and prayers.

 

[valeria101]

2 - 5 AM, best time to work, IHMO.

What came of the exam idea ?

Got it from the other thread (www). Sleep ! Ha ! ... 03:40 AM

 

[PintoBean]

The DMV is not cooperating!

No, the DMV loves me so much they want me to return for the 4th time...

 

[marcy]

Stupid DMV! I had more of a hassle with the county clerk's office. Let's hope the 4th time is the charm.

 

[mochiko42]

Pinto, I am always reminded of the classic scene from the Terry Gilliam film 'Brazil' whenever I'm reminded of meaningless paperwork and bureaucracy:

Brazil, 'Here is your receipt for your husband, Mrs Buttle. And this is my receipt for your receipt' (if it's too long, you can start watching at 1 minute in).

 

[PintoBean]

The DMV wants me to edit the total loss letter again. Now it should say the car had the plates and it was destroyed with plates on. Wtf. The reality is that the police don't know where the plates are and the insurance company claims the car arrived at their impound lot from the police impound lot with no plates.

I thought I was ok after this happened, despite my holding back the urge to burst into tears about having to return for a 4th time. Nope, I pretty much slept from 4am to 630 pm waking up in 3 hour intervals lol. I resent the emotional toll administration takes on me.