I'm a widow

[mary poppins]

Ugh, so sorry you are going through such a hassle with the DMV, PB. It's annoying enough on a regular day for a routine matter, and even more so under your circumstances. I hope they are satisfied with the next draft you bring them so you can put this task behind you. Sending DMV dust your way.

 

[PintoBean]

Bleh... surrogates court kicked back my letter of admin paperwork bc they want another bank account number and marriage certificate. Uhh... the forms don't state that in the instructions...

 

[tyty333]

Bleh... surrogates court kicked back my letter of admin paperwork bc they want another bank account number and marriage certificate. Uhh... the forms don't state that in the instructions...

I hate having to do anything with the government. They've had to do this plenty of times....why isnt the process/procedures/paperwork documented so
you can get it right the first time? So <insert adjective of choice> frustrating!

 

[valeria101]

LOATH FORMS ...

I wonder if their makers know of the despair they are inflicting ... To them I say: Back at you ! (local curse)

 

[freezing_in_MO]

I'm really sorry that they are putting you through this BS. It crosses over from insensitive to downright inhumane. What is the worst-case scenario that they are supposedly preventing by being so "diligent"? That's a rhetorical question. What they are doing is idiotic, regardless of the reason.

 

[MissGotRocks]

Thinking of you PB and wishing you peace!!

 

[december-fire]

Geez, Pinto. I'm tempted to suggest you have a meltdown in front of, or on the phone with, these people! I wish someone could deal with the paperwork on your behalf.

I hope all of this will get resolved soon.

Try to stay strong.

Hugs

 

[yennyfire]

Oh my goodness PB! I am beyond frustrated for you!! Why does it have to be so cumbersome?? As if Mike's loss isn't horrific enough, these a**holes won't let you move past it. I'm so pissed for you.

 

[PintoBean]

I'm tired of people telling me I should job search right now.

Someone's mom passed away and the funeral is tomorrow. I was so jealous that he had relatives in his house and friends with him. It smarts being by myself.

I'm angry that I only had Michael all these years. I'm angry that I let him take his vodka demons out on me from November to May.

 

[valeria101]

I'm angry that I only had Michael all these years.

A job cannot fill those shoes anyway .(

One that is an interesting walk of life too, might go some distance ... It doesn't make sense for me either. Had to be.

 

[TooPatient]

PB, it is difficult when something happens in life to show how truly alone you are and then you see similar for another and they have all of the support that you would have given anything for. Been there a few times in my life and it is not an easy thing to face.
Remember that you aren't completely alone. We may (most of us) be just online, but we do really care. A lot of the people surrounding that other person right now are doing what is expected but don't really listen, understand, or even care. I have had friends with all of that "support" and they just wanted to be left alone so they could deal with their own emotions.

So, I guess what I am saying is that the whole thing is awful. I don't know how to make it better. Just know that you aren't alone. If all our hugs from afar could reach you, you would be the center of the biggest group hug ever.

 

[december-fire]

My condolences to the person who lost their mother.
I don't know if you're planning on attending the funeral, but your own loss would make it very painful.

TooPatient is correct; if we were in the same location, you'd have all the hugs and company you desire.

Your anger is completely understandable. Once again, just want to say that I wish you weren't going through this nightmare.

When someone comes across as strong, capable and resilient, others can forget that the person is still human and has limits. As much as possible, try to shut out their ideas of what you should be doing, avoid getting into useless debates with them, and do what's right for you. I recall someone telling me how they couldn't believe that 'John' hadn't yet sold his dad's house because 'its been # months since his father died'. I forget the number of months, but it was less than 6 months. I didn't respond but was shocked. I thought 'John' is still grieving, selling his dad's home can wait until 'John' is ready to deal with that, and its nobody else's business when and if the house got sold.

Losing a spouse is not something that one 'bounces back' from in less than four months.
Just try to look after yourself.

Hugs

 

[PintoBean]

My HS friend N seems to be taking out her excess baggage on me. That has been frustrating for me. I'll let it go tonight... I was avoiding texting her and then she texted me to check in on me bc she hadn't heard from me all day and seemed to be quite short with me in her texts.

This weekend she also seemed uncomfortable like I was making social faux pas by either informing someone that I'm a widow or joking about being a widow. That is my new normal. I think she forgets how she kept going on and on about being divorced the first year she was divorced.

All of this is disappointing bc she is one of my two local friends. She is also the one telling me I should be applying for a few jobs each week. As a woman who has a lot of debt, I think she can't wrap her head around the fact that I don't NEED to work immediately.

On the plus side I randomly ran into a friend and I emailed her my resume. The more I think about financial planning the more I'm chickening out. But I will study for the first license eventually lolol make it a small goal.

 

[MissGotRocks]

You will eventually figure out what and when is right for you in terms of a job. I will say, however, that jobs can provide more than income. Sometimes just the routine of working necessitates taking care of yourself, i.e., sleeping, eating, etc. It also keeps the mind busy which can be a good thing in times of great stress. I wouldn't spend too much time worrying about what others think or say; what is right for one isn't right for someone else so take their comments with a grain of salt and keep moving forward as best as you can.

 

[december-fire]

Pinto,

Your HS friend N probably has good intentions. I'd take the view that, given her financial situation, she probably is stressed out thinking about you not working because she can't relate to someone who can afford to have breaks in employment. I know, still must be frustrating for you.

Humour is part of who you are and it can also be a coping mechanism (speaking from experience ). Not everyone gets it. Because you're young, I suspect that you're probably dealing with a lot of people who haven't lost a spouse (thank goodness) and so they may find it hard to imagine what you're going through. Getting divorced is not the same as losing a spouse.

So, yeah, not only have you lost your spouse and job, but you also get to be the understanding one who smiles and nods when people say frustrating things.

I completely agree with the wise words of @MissGotRocks .
Sometimes we need a push to get back onto a healthy routine.
Do what's right for you at this point in time. Few decisions are life-long commitments; you can change your mind later if your wants or needs change.

Lots of hugs.

 

[yennyfire]

@MGR is very wise and gives great advice/listening ears.

I'm sorry that your friend seems unable to support you in a way that would actually be supportive right now. That's the last thing you need!!

All I can say is stay true to yourself because it's gotten you to this point and I think you're pretty damn amazing! Hugs, PB!

 

[valeria101]

I don't NEED to work immediately.

On the plus side I randomly ran into a friend and I emailed her my resume. The more I think about financial planning the more I'm chickening out. But I will study for the first license eventually lolol make it a small goal.

All sounds very right.

I am thinking not unlike MGR, that some work-ish pursuit - not unlike said exam, etc. - would count for more than money. My other pursuits - usually academic - took over more than once.

Of course making widow jokes is your God given right ! Who else ! When else !

 

[PintoBean]

I did the PB thing, took the higher road and texted my friend some reassurances and mentioned that she seemed bothered last night unless I'm reading that wrong. She thanked me and said she did feel in over her head last night.

On another laughable note, the insurance company is still waiting on the toxicology report?!?!?! All I could do is text my rep that is checking on this, "How toxic can a human being be?!?! "

Oh and how can I forget... my attorney called to let me know that the court clerk is sooo apologetic because she forgot to ask for an uninterested party's affidavit that my husband hadn't been previously married or had children. Luckily my realtor lives down the block from the law office so the attorneys going to have her do the affidavit.

 

[azstonie]

Un.Be.Lieve.Able. I'm really sorry it's gone this way. There should be a packet the Court hands out that includes the forms and clear directions for them. Fer krap's sales

 

[MissGotRocks]

The paperwork of bureaucracy is so confounding and frustrating. However, one day all the details will be ironed out and you will be free of this rats nest of paper! Hang in there PB - I've said it all along - you are gonna be fine with time - just like fine wine!!

 

[PintoBean]

Ummm yeah... my insurance agent called to give me a heads up that I won't be getting an accident check. He does not get the explanation why as the agent but it will be mailed to me. I'm wondering if it wasn't something cut and dry which is why it took so long to get an answer. We will see... once I get the explanation letter, should I text a copy to my in-laws?

Last night, as I was putting away some things that were on the kitchen counter, I saw the bottle of wine we had bought right after we got married and saved for our 5 year anniversary in 2017.

 

[tyty333]

I'm sorry PB...now you're anxiously waiting this explanation. Why cant things be easy??? Is there some kind of toxicology clause in insurance? Like
if it comes back positive then they dont pay? I've never heard anything like that. As long as your insurance was paid up (which I'm sure it was), why
wouldnt they pay? I hope you get the explanation soon so you dont have to dwell on it.

 

[Calliecake]

Oh Pinto Bean, I'm sorry you have to deal with this now on top of everything else. Unbelievable. Like @tyty, I have also never heard of anything like this.

 

[BlingDreams]

Ummm yeah... my insurance agent called to give me a heads up that I won't be getting an accident check. He does not get the explanation why as the agent but it will be mailed to me. I'm wondering if it wasn't something cut and dry which is why it took so long to get an answer. We will see... once I get the explanation letter, should I text a copy to my in-laws?

Last night, as I was putting away some things that were on the kitchen counter, I saw the bottle of wine we had bought right after we got married and saved for our 5 year anniversary in 2017.

Oh PB.... I hurt so much for you right now

At least there will be some closure once the cause of the accident is disclosed to you. I know your fears; if they're true, we'll be here to help you through it.

And I'm so sorry for the wine reminder. That just sucks

 

[PintoBean]

His employer offers 2x salary for life insurance check and 2x salary for accidental death. This is the accidental death... ironically I was reassured it shouldn't be a problem earlier on by the agent.

 

[MissGotRocks]

Why wouldn't this be viewed as an accidental death? Or can you only get one or the other but not both?

 

[arkieb1]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this PB.

 

[PintoBean]

Why wouldn't this be viewed as an accidental death? Or can you only get one or the other but not both?

I don't know yet because they won't tell the agent the reason. I am supposed to get a letter with the explanation. The agent said we can go over it.

The policy makes the beneficiary eligible for both.

 

[lovedogs]

ugh PB I am so so sorry. This is just heartbreaking.

 

[MissGotRocks]

I don't know yet because they won't tell the agent the reason. I am supposed to get a letter with the explanation. The agent said we can go over it.

The policy makes the beneficiary eligible for both.

It seems to me that the agent should meet with you with letter in hand to go over these things - and that the insurance company would insist it be done that way. Hopefully you won't have to wait too long for the letter and explanation. Hugs to you again PB!