I'm a widow

[elle_71125]

I just don't understand this. What you're going through is hard enough without adding in an endless about of paperwork, DMV visits, phone calls, etc. I can't believe they are withholding an accident check. I hope the letter comes quickly.

 

[december-fire]

They need to show the 'accidental death' definition contained in the policy.
And the appeal process to be followed in case of dispute.

 

[PintoBean]

Idk... this evening I saw a lovely post on FB where a PSer's husband's gesture was so sweet and loving that it brought me to tears.

I don't regularly check my personal FB anymore. I decided to look at it and I saw that my BIL and his wife and kids went on a Sandals vacation end of August. Smiling on a beach for a picture in matching shirts. It smarts and makes me feel isolated.

 

[TooPatient]

PB, I am sorry you are hurting. I wish I could say that the hurt goes away for good some day, but I know it doesn't. Little things like your bottle of wine will keep popping up. Just know that it does start to become further apart and you will get more happy smiles at reminders. It takes time. Lots of time.

 

[TooPatient]

How on earth is that not accidental!?!? Get a copy of that policy and go over it with the agent and an attorney if needed. Many policies even have additional coverage for car accidents!

I am so angry and frustrated and sad that you are having to go through so much on top of your grieving. It isn't right.

 

[MollyMalone]

Oh, Pinto, my heart aches for you. No widow would have their sea legs at this point... and in the past 2 weeks, there's been the wrenching, wedding anniversary date; you also have had to deal with especially maddening bureaucratic snags with both the DMV and Surrogate's Court; plus, you're waiting for the shoe to drop in the form of the insurance company's letter formally denying payment of the accidental death coverage.

I can say that the denial letter will be explicit as to which policy exclusion from coverage the insurance company is invoking & will outline the review a/k/a/ appeal process (the actual policy may have additional particulars.) If the claims department hadn't yet received the toxicology report ( I remember you learned not all that long ago that there had been a snafu with that & the insurance companies are under the gun time-wise to make the initial decision re payout), the denial might be easily addressed by the toxicology report when it makes its appearance.

Gentle hugs ~ Molly

 

[valeria101]

Smiling on a beach for a picture in matching shirts. It smarts and makes me feel isolated.

Are these the funeral trolls ?

:horror:

 

[rainwood]

PB, I know what it feels like when you see those around you continue on with their lives. It's hard to understand and it does feel isolating. But the harsh reality for those of us who've been widowed is that, for everyone else, life does go on mostly unchanged, even for close family members. They will miss your DH, but their everyday lives are mostly the same as before while yours is so different it's unrecognizably painful. It's like the difference between a small hole in a sweater that is noticeable but the sweater is still wearable versus a hole so large the sweater has started to unravel. They have the small hole; you have the unraveling mess. Everything about your life has changed while only a small part of theirs has.

I don't know what kind of relationship you want with your BIL and SIL and that's your choice, but going on vacation is them living their lives, and you'll need to find some way to accept that. If you don't, it only hurts you. I'd encourage you to talk about this with your therapist because what you're feeling is natural and those of us who are widowed have had to go through it at some point.

Take care.

 

[PintoBean]

PB, I know what it feels like when you see those around you continue on with their lives. It's hard to understand and it does feel isolating. But the harsh reality for those of us who've been widowed is that, for everyone else, life does go on mostly unchanged, even for close family members. They will miss your DH, but their everyday lives are mostly the same as before while yours is so different it's unrecognizably painful. It's like the difference between a small hole in a sweater that is noticeable but the sweater is still wearable versus a hole so large the sweater has started to unravel. They have the small hole; you have the unraveling mess. Everything about your life has changed while only a small part of theirs has.

I don't know what kind of relationship you want with your BIL and SIL and that's your choice, but going on vacation is them living their lives, and you'll need to find some way to accept that. If you don't, it only hurts you. I'd encourage you to talk about this with your therapist because what you're feeling is natural and those of us who are widowed have had to go through it at some point.

Take care.

I'm not sure if my pain is justified when I have people around me who tell me to just move on get over it get a job fix my sleep etc. Am I justified in feeling this pain after 7.5 years with my husband when my FIL throws it in my face that he was his father for 38 years, particularly when I tried to take back control of interring my husband's ashes?

My friend today gave me an "eyeful" by text today about how I shouldn't be telling people I'm a widow... it took 6PSers to talk me down. Livid, embarrassed, lonely, inadequate... Shes got issues. She can deal with hers solo. Peace out.

My therapist is pretty much like it sucks that you don't have any support immediately around you. It's human nature for everyone to assume everyone else is looking in on me. Whatever. I have to go on like I have no parents no in laws and no local friends. That's my new normal too. I don't need more damaging relationships.

 

[AprilBaby]

Why in the world should you not tell people you are a widow??? Because it bothers her? OMG people suck.

 

[yennyfire]

Can I just do this?? Because I have no words...

 

[MissGotRocks]

You don't have to justify or have your pain justified by anyone. I think that people have made reasonable suggestions to you - and some have made unreasonable ones - that you are not ready to put into play. It is just human nature to reach out to people that are hurt or grieving to offer assistance or suggestions. Take it all with a grain of salt. Listen, accept or reject however many - or none - work for you. I can't speak to the relationship with your parents except to say that I wish it were closer but it is not and apparently was not before any of this happened. It seems it is the same with the inlaws and unfortunately, probably not going to change. The inlaws are wrapped in their own grief as well and I would imagine as time goes on, the relationship will become more strained. That's pretty normal too - the tie that bound you all together is gone. I don't mean this to sound as harsh as it perhaps does but sadly there are things we just have to accept because we can't change them. On the other hand, the beauty of friends is that there is always a chance to meet and cultivate new ones. Have you considered a grief support group? A place to talk with others that understand exactly how you feel and who have spaces in their hearts and lives to fill as well? Just a thought but you'll have to break out of your isolation in some fashion to create new relationships in your life. Mourn for what is gone - him, family, whatever - but keep an eye toward the future as well. You have a long life ahead of you and need to be thinking bit by bit about what you might want it to look like. By all means though, do it in your own time and do not care what others think. They are not walking in your shoes and they are not paying your bills. That means their words and thoughts - just like mine - are simply opinions.

 

[Matata]

I'm not sure if my pain is justified when I have people around me who tell me to just move on get over it get a job fix my sleep etc. Am I justified in feeling this pain after 7.5 years with my husband when my FIL throws it in my face that he was his father for 38 years, particularly when I tried to take back control of interring my husband's ashes?

I was going to give gentle hugs but instead I'm going to send a gentle kick in the butt. You don't have to justify your feelings to anyone. You should not doubt the validity of what you feel or your right to feel what you feel. Doesn't matter if you and Michael were together 5 minutes or a lifetime, your feelings are REAL. There is no comparison between what a parent feels when a child dies and what a spouse feels. Apples and oranges. Both parties experience gut wrenching grief and it isn't a contest about who grieves more better best.

I think Miss Got Rocks' suggestion about a grief support group is a good one and I hope you give it consideration. I also hope that you try to get yourself back on a regular schedule for sleeping and eating. Perhaps that structure will give your body some relief from all the stress and the adrenaline rushes that come with dealing with all the stuff you've had to face and still have to face and may help relieve some of the emotional stress as well. You will reach a point -- perhaps you're already there -- when you have to force yourself back into a normal daily structure if only for the temporary relief it helps provide from the nightmare you're trying to wake from.

 

[azstonie]

Looking for other people to validate you for *anything* --->is going to be upsetting and unproductive. Expectations invite disappointment. Your pain is real and valid.

The friend you reference above as having "issues," everybody has issues. Everybody has/ has had pain. Most people lead lives of quiet desperation.

Sometimes, you must be clear and direct about your needs, like "I need some support in this phone call (or lunch, or coffee date, etc) because I'm feeling X (alone, angry, frustrated, robbed, screwed, etc). " The other person can tell you they can't give that to you, can't give it to you at that moment, OR they will know exactly what you need and give it to you in spades right then and there. Either way, both of you know where you stand in the relationship.

You've said before, you're alone in this. I understand. I too am an only child. Both my parents are abusive personality -disordered people. We are estranged, have been for years with no end in sight. I've lost more friends total than I presently have. My in-laws are dead. This is the human condition---the longer you live, the more people you lose. If you don't want to be alone, you have to make 100% of the effort to build friendships with new people. To get a friend, you must first be a friend. And It's messy, you have to get dressed and leave the house to find your peeps. They are out there.

Regarding telling people you are a widow. It may be how you're doing it. The delivery. If it makes the listener squirm, reexamine how you're saying it, or if it is a non sequitur in total.

None of what I've written is criticism. Its only observations after reading this thread through the months and seeing what you describe several times as continuing to come up. Personally, I believe that no one other than you should be the captain of your ship, particularly when it comes to employment, sleep, grieving/pain, where you live, and so forth. The most solid recommendation I've seen in this thread is for Al Anon.

 

[PintoBean]

Looking for other people to validate you for *anything* --->is going to be upsetting and unproductive. Expectations invite disappointment. Your pain is real and valid.
Truth, GF! This is how I ended up down this rabbit hole of collecting degrees in hopes that my parents would validate me. I am and always will be the accident. Mom will always be the narcissist. They are the DNA donating acquaintances and it doesn't have to be deeper than that.

The friend you reference above as having "issues," everybody has issues. Everybody has/ has had pain. Most people lead lives of quiet desperation.
I was disappointed that this woman being one of two from HS who tried to be there for me is too toxic for me right now. Both women actually I need to distance myself from. There is drug and alcohol abuse going on here and self destructive behavior that is beyond quiet desperation now.

Sometimes, you must be clear and direct about your needs, like "I need some support in this phone call (or lunch, or coffee date, etc) because I'm feeling X (alone, angry, frustrated, robbed, screwed, etc). " The other person can tell you they can't give that to you, can't give it to you at that moment, OR they will know exactly what you need and give it to you in spades right then and there. Either way, both of you know where you stand in the relationship.
I am definitely getting better at articulating my needs. Being a widow has emboldened me.

You've said before, you're alone in this. I understand. I too am an only child. Both my parents are abusive personality -disordered people. We are estranged, have been for years with no end in sight. I've lost more friends total than I presently have. My in-laws are dead. This is the human condition---the longer you live, the more people you lose. If you don't want to be alone, you have to make 100% of the effort to build friendships with new people. To get a friend, you must first be a friend. And It's messy, you have to get dressed and leave the house to find your peeps. They are out there.
I think my problem isn't being a friend. I have been told by multiple PSers that I have a big heart and give people the benefit of the doubt and try to help them only to get hurt badly. That I can do whatever as long as I don't get hurt bc now is not the time for more hurt and I need to protect my heart. I've been told to stop helping people at the risk of forgetting or neglecting to be kind to myself. I definitely go out many times more often than I used to. I'm actually visiting another city right now. In a few weeks I will drive to another city to hang out.

Regarding telling people you are a widow. It may be how you're doing it. The delivery. If it makes the listener squirm, reexamine how you're saying it, or if it is a non sequitur in total.
Because the accident was only a few miles from home yet made local news channels and a major regional newspaper, I can't tell if people know or not. So, if someone asks me what I do for a living, I will say I'm not working right now. My husband passed away end of May and my contract ended in June so I'm taking some time for myself. Sometimes if we are ducking around I may be a brat and say, "dibs, I'm the young widow!"

None of what I've written is criticism. Its only observations after reading this thread through the months and seeing what you describe several times as continuing to come up. Personally, I believe that no one other than you should be the captain of your ship, particularly when it comes to employment, sleep, grieving/pain, where you live, and so forth. The most solid recommendation I've seen in this thread is for Al Anon.
You can always talk to Missy offline. Sometimes I have to censor myself on PS... She has total clarity on who and what type of gassy bean I am.

 

[PintoBean]

@MissGotRocks and @Matata
I have a neighbor in her mid 70s who is also a widow. She always tells me everyone should be glad I'm standing on both feet right now .

We talked about support groups. She said not to rush it. I also asked her why the list I have for the various groups in the county all say they run as 8 week sessions and you have to call to find out when the next session is. Do they not run continuously? She said no you have to call and find out when the next session is.

Sometimes I wonder if grief support is like an age of Aquarius orgy where everyone is seeking comfort with each other. Doesn't benefit me bc I'm not one who subscribes to sharing is caring bahahahahahaha.

 

[freezing_in_MO]

True, mainly because a lot of people are jerks or idiots. If we were all perceptive and decent, we would validate each other and the world would be a better place.

Looking for other people to validate you for *anything* --->is going to be upsetting and unproductive. Expectations invite disappointment. Your pain is real and valid.

Every one of us has issues, but very few of us feel entitled to tell a friend that she shouldn't be telling people she's a widow. That is downright rude. If it makes the listener squirm, that's because the listener is immature or self-centered. A mature adult with empathy would at worst reflect on the transience of life when hearing that someone was widowed at such a young age.

The friend you reference above as having "issues," everybody has issues. Everybody has/ has had pain. Most people lead lives of quiet desperation.

Sometimes, you must be clear and direct about your needs, like "I need some support in this phone call (or lunch, or coffee date, etc) because I'm feeling X (alone, angry, frustrated, robbed, screwed, etc). " The other person can tell you they can't give that to you, can't give it to you at that moment, OR they will know exactly what you need and give it to you in spades right then and there. Either way, both of you know where you stand in the relationship.

You've said before, you're alone in this. I understand. I too am an only child. Both my parents are abusive personality -disordered people. We are estranged, have been for years with no end in sight. I've lost more friends total than I presently have. My in-laws are dead. This is the human condition---the longer you live, the more people you lose. If you don't want to be alone, you have to make 100% of the effort to build friendships with new people. To get a friend, you must first be a friend. And It's messy, you have to get dressed and leave the house to find your peeps. They are out there.

Regarding telling people you are a widow. It may be how you're doing it. The delivery. If it makes the listener squirm, reexamine how you're saying it, or if it is a non sequitur in total..

I fully agree that each of us is the captain of her own ship. PB strikes me as very intelligent and perceptive. Her ship has weathered one storm after another over the past few months. At the risk of offending her by offering presumptuous advice, I'll say that she needs to be kinder to herself. Give the ship some respite before banging on it with nails and hammers to repair it.

None of what I've written is criticism. Its only observations after reading this thread through the months and seeing what you describe several times as continuing to come up. Personally, I believe that no one other than you should be the captain of your ship, particularly when it comes to employment, sleep, grieving/pain, where you live, and so forth.

I know next to nothing about Al Anon. How would they help? I'm asking because I didn't realize they could be helpful to a bereaved person, and would like to learn what they do to help. Our world is so unkind to the bereaved that it's heartwarming to hear of a helpful resource.

The most solid recommendation I've seen in this thread is for Al Anon.

 

[Karl_K]

checking in, thoughts and prayers continue.

 

[freezing_in_MO]

I agree with your neighbor. Unlike me, she's had enough time to figure things out and I'm sure she knows what she's talking about

What you say about support groups is interesting. One of my friends is a trans woman. She was having a tough time, and I asked if she had considered a support group for trans women. She said that she tried it once, but hearing others describe the same pain that she had made her lose hope that things would get better.

On the other hand, a widowed friend of mine goes to a support group for widows and describes it as being very helpful. She's very social and has always been a member of numerous clubs.

Like everything else, I guess it comes down to your personality.

@MissGotRocks and @Matata
I have a neighbor in her mid 70s who is also a widow. She always tells me everyone should be glad I'm standing on both feet right now .

We talked about support groups. She said not to rush it. I also asked her why the list I have for the various groups in the county all say they run as 8 week sessions and you have to call to find out when the next session is. Do they not run continuously? She said no you have to call and find out when the next session is.

Sometimes I wonder if grief support is like an age of Aquarius orgy where everyone is seeking comfort with each other. Doesn't benefit me bc I'm not one who subscribes to sharing is caring bahahahahahaha.

 

[valeria101]

You have to explain why you have to explain that you are a widow !?

... not I know why there ever was such an odd habit as wearing mourning: to tell idiots that everyone knows that everyone knows not ask widows to amuse them on demand. Certainly not something I could have imagined.

-

I hope that your travelling is all for the better. New friends are easier in new places, sure enough ! I am happy to hear that not few (& portable!) WWW friends are with you - always great to have, IHMO. Count mine to, for whatever it is worth (seven time-zones distance - might be useful for insomnia).

 

[tyty333]

@MissGotRocks and @Matata
I have a neighbor in her mid 70s who is also a widow. She always tells me everyone should be glad I'm standing on both feet right now .

We talked about support groups. She said not to rush it. I also asked her why the list I have for the various groups in the county all say they run as 8 week sessions and you have to call to find out when the next session is. Do they not run continuously? She said no you have to call and find out when the next session is.

Sometimes I wonder if grief support is like an age of Aquarius orgy where everyone is seeking comfort with each other. Doesn't benefit me bc I'm not one who subscribes to sharing is caring bahahahahahaha.

When you call to find out about support groups you might ask if there are any groups for "younger" widows. I think "all" widows will have a lot in common
and will hopefully be beneficial but younger widows will also have a additional slightly different set of issues to deal with.

 

[Queenie60]

Thinking of you PB - you'e in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[lovedogs]

I agree with others that maybe finding a support group for "younger" widows might be really helpful. And F--K the idea of having to "justify" telling people you are widowed. Is that friend freaking serious?!?! You can tell whoever you want, however you want. I am furious for you.

Your neighbor sounds awesome, and hopefully she can be a source of support for you. I 100% agree with her that you being on 2 feet and functioning at all is a testament to your strength, and the fact that anyone expects more than that is BS.

We all love you!

 

[PintoBean]

Oy! There was a little Lyft mix up and driver #1 couldn't find me at the pick up area but i fixed it when I tried for a pick up a second time.

I'm home! Somebody pooped right outside the box to say welcome home you MOMster! Most likely the cow cat that's in my profile...

As soon as I got home my neighbor asked me if I wanted to go to the bar for dinner - um yessss!

I've started drinking now that my acid reflux has improved from losing a few pounds.

A pumpkin cider rimmed with caramel and cinnamon!!!

I got to see my first of Montreal concert. I got to eat fried chicken, the most delicious middle eastern fast food restaurants, pizza (they use the most delicious sauces and cheese). Found a Philippino ice cream shop with exotic flavors. Spent quality time with lajennifer and her beautiful kitties. Taught her kitten how to high five lolol (love training cats!!!). Saw DeeJay yay! Told the hostess the 3 of us were having our annual shorties on State (street) meeting...

 

[lovedogs]

mmmm pumpkin cider!!! I hate alcohol, but that looks tasty!

 

[marcy]

PB, I am you got out and had some fun. That drink looks delicious. And I never think pumpkin sounds good. It's like watermelon; it never sounds good but I like it when eat it.

Keeping you in my thoughts.
Marcy

 

[mochiko42]

Dogfish Head glass? That's a good beer. I hate pumpkin spice lattes but I have a fondness for pumpkin beer....

 

[PintoBean]

Dogfish Head glass? That's a good beer. I hate pumpkin spice lattes but I have a fondness for pumpkin beer....

I think the glass doesn't match the beer. The pumpkin cider plus caramel and cinnamon was ridiculously dangerous lolol. Almost couldn't taste the alcohol in it!

My neighbor B was kind enough to peek in on my cats when i was out of town to make sure mom and dad were fattening them up. He also relieved my garage of a 24" vanity that was taking up room. His plumber took it upstate to install in another house.

We talked about the BIL vacation which disgusted him that they couldn't have just said something about it, rather than doing their usual avoid confrontation by selectively giving info. But you can't change how they operate no matter how much we don't like it. We talked about how I have opted to distance myself from the local girl friends bc of the substance abuse problems and I told him that it sucks seeing his wife in the evenings after she's had her "meds". He was like try LIVING with it lolol. I regaled him with that breaking point story where my friend yelled all kinds of things at 4am at her mom and blamed it on vodka demons. He was like yeah, you don't need this you're too smart for this nonsense. B is pretty much it for a parental figure nowadays lolol. After dinner he gave me a catalog he got in the mail - gorgeous hard cover catalog - for an upcoming auction focused on watches and jewelry. He also remembered I'm into researching and reading up on luxury bags now that I've discovered that the second hand story down the block carries luxury bags that were lightly or never used, and told me about a major auction house now having a store front in Manhattan for handbags. Lots of Hermes and Chanel.

I contemplated pursuing a PhD and spoke to a PSer about it. She kindly offered to send me her lectures on ...shit was it network communications? Omg it was an early morning discussion. I was like dude that class was like one flipping page long sine transformation problem or something obscene like that that the professor could never finish. Sure why not?

 

[Dancing Fire]

PB

 

[freezing_in_MO]

Two questions:
1. Can I borrow your neighbor? He sounds wonderful. It's refreshing to hear that you are spending time with sane people. He's right that you are too smart for drama.
2. Are you sure that it was a sine transformation and not a cosine?

And a third:
Do you have Richard Wise's new book on gemstones? Your mention of the catalog reminded me of it.

I'm really happy to hear you describe what sounds like a great trip!

I think the glass doesn't match the beer. The pumpkin cider plus caramel and cinnamon was ridiculously dangerous lolol. Almost couldn't taste the alcohol in it!

My neighbor B was kind enough to peek in on my cats when i was out of town to make sure mom and dad were fattening them up. He also relieved my garage of a 24" vanity that was taking up room. His plumber took it upstate to install in another house.

We talked about the BIL vacation which disgusted him that they couldn't have just said something about it, rather than doing their usual avoid confrontation by selectively giving info. But you can't change how they operate no matter how much we don't like it. We talked about how I have opted to distance myself from the local girl friends bc of the substance abuse problems and I told him that it sucks seeing his wife in the evenings after she's had her "meds". He was like try LIVING with it lolol. I regaled him with that breaking point story where my friend yelled all kinds of things at 4am at her mom and blamed it on vodka demons. He was like yeah, you don't need this you're too smart for this nonsense. B is pretty much it for a parental figure nowadays lolol. After dinner he gave me a catalog he got in the mail - gorgeous hard cover catalog - for an upcoming auction focused on watches and jewelry. He also remembered I'm into researching and reading up on luxury bags now that I've discovered that the second hand story down the block carries luxury bags that were lightly or never used, and told me about a major auction house now having a store front in Manhattan for handbags. Lots of Hermes and Chanel.

I contemplated pursuing a PhD and spoke to a PSer about it. She kindly offered to send me her lectures on ...shit was it network communications? Omg it was an early morning discussion. I was like dude that class was like one flipping page long sine transformation problem or something obscene like that that the professor could never finish. Sure why not?