I'm a widow

[PintoBean]

One thing that I have done is to NOT tell my parents I had that interview. It's to protect myself. If it doesn't turn out in my favor, I don't need negative "helpful" suggestions on why I didn't get the job - my weight, not smiling enough etc . And I also don't need them taking credit for my getting the interview opportunity.

@december-fire - if I were someone else, I'd advise myself to put my parents in the litter robot and launch them to outer space lolol

 

[december-fire]

One thing that I have done is to NOT tell my parents I had that interview. It's to protect myself. If it doesn't turn out in my favor, I don't need negative "helpful" suggestions on why I didn't get the job - my weight, not smiling enough etc . And I also don't need them taking credit for my getting the interview opportunity.

@december-fire - if I were someone else, I'd advise myself to put my parents in the litter robot and launch them to outer space lolol

And if I were someone else, I would have saved myself a ton of money and hired a hitman instead of getting a divorce.

 

[lyra]

PB, you can gradually limit contact. Keep some things private like you are thinking. Tell them things after the fact, if at all. They are extremely self-involved, and it's possible they might not even notice less contact to be honest. If they ask about Christmas gifts for themselves (LOL!!), you simply can't do them this year, as your budget does not allow. You decided to cut back.

My sister is a narcissist and a sociopath. Her ideas shocked me to be honest. Totally out in left field beyond all normal responses. Then BAM, family is everything. ??? She is no longer in my life for good reason. Huge hugs to you.

 

[december-fire]

PB, you can gradually limit contact. Keep some things private like you are thinking. Tell them things after the fact, if at all. They are extremely self-involved, and it's possible they might not even notice less contact to be honest. If they ask about Christmas gifts for themselves (LOL!!), you simply can't do them this year, as your budget does not allow. You decided to cut back.

My sister is a narcissist and a sociopath. Her ideas shocked me to be honest. Totally out in left field beyond all normal responses. Then BAM, family is everything. ??? She is no longer in my life for good reason. Huge hugs to you.

I'm sorry for what you must have gone through having a sister who is a narcissist and a sociopath.
The sad reality is that people with these personality disorders (apologies if that term is not politically or medically correct) have relatives, co-workers, subordinates, bosses, neighbours, etc., who must interact with them. Until, those who are capable of making the choice, can terminate the relationship or set boundaries on the interactions.

 

[valeria101]

- if I were someone else, I'd advise myself...

Leave them alone ...

Why not let a couple of months pass without reporting ? What they think is already far from the mark - let it go ever further, & further, & further .-)

 

[PintoBean]

Now I'm going back to the Stone Age - remember widow orphan prevention in word processors? I became a widow orphan bc word perfect went away lololol.

Nothing healthy or helpful comes from the DNA donators. I just randomly remembered my mom asking me if I did something for my in laws to stop contacting me. shock: Really? How about my mere existence shattering their pretext of a perfect life?

 

[azstonie]

Outofthefog.net

 

[december-fire]

Pinto, check out the website suggested by @azstonie .

Talk to your therapist (whom I hope you're still seeing on a regular basis), borrow books from the Library, etc. Although you've had a lifetime of experience with your parents, it might be necessary to really put your relationship with them (and other difficult people) under a microscope and examine their behaviours and your responses.

Even though we may know its illogical to expect a change in behaviour from certain people, sometimes we have trouble letting go of the hope that things will get better; especially in parent-child, spouse-spouse, sibling-sibling, long-term friendships, etc. We think/hope that there should exist a loving, considerate, respectful relationship, even when we know that its impossible in certain situations. Holding onto that wishful thinking can prevent us from taking an emotional step back or terminating the relationship. If we shift our focus aware from those who are hurtful, we're able to discover a lot of joy in life. That's what I want for you. Its heartbreaking to see you hurt by those whom we'd like to think would be most caring towards you. However, we don't live in a fantasy ideal World in which all children are treated with love and care by their parents, and all other relationships are considerate and kind.

It can be painful to realize that someone doesn't 'love' us, until we truly understand that the person isn't capable of such a feeling. It has nothing to do with us. Its how they're wired.

Hoping that a narcissistic person will feel compassion is like hoping that a pig will fly.
Not gonna' happen. Has nothing to do with whomever is tossing the pig into the air.

Sending you lots of hugs.

 

[valeria101]

I became a widow orphan

'guess you'll be good fun at the End of Days too ... I'll have what you are having !


.

 

[Calliecake]

Pinto, Every single word @december-fire said is true. I hope you are feeling a little better today. Hugs

 

[AGBF]

Its heartbreaking to see you hurt by those whom we'd like to think would be most caring towards you. However, we don't live in a fantasy ideal World in which all children are treated with love and care by their parents, and all other relationships are considerate and kind.

It can be painful to realize that someone doesn't 'love' us, until we truly understand that the person isn't capable of such a feeling. It has nothing to do with us. Its how they're wired.

Hoping that a narcissistic person will feel compassion is like hoping that a pig will fly.
Not gonna' happen. Has nothing to do with whomever is tossing the pig into the air.

There is enormous wisdom is this post and it made me think of an insight into my own mourning I recently had. I lost my father in May of 2017, so it it is still less than a year. I have rarely cried about the loss, although I loved my father dearly. He had slipped away slowly before his physical death and I thought that was why. But a few days ago I became aware-two days in a row-that I had had dreams about him. Brief glimpses of the previous night's dreams flashed in front of me during the day. In one I was in a grocery store picking our food my father would enjoy: cantaloupe melon pieces and corn-on-the-cob. The next night I had baked him a layer cake with a lot of icing and he had opted to have cake for lunch. So in both dreams I was feeding him. And, of course, in both dreams he was still alive.

I realized that I am angry all the time now. I yell at my daughter and I feel robbed of the juices of life. I do not think about what I have lost or whine about it. But once in a while I recall a dream and I have dreamed that I have a beloved father back or (as I mentioned in another thread) that there are some dogs with fat tummies to rub.

I did not have narcissistic parents. While my parents were sane and whole, they were endlessly giving and loving to me. They were the only people who loved me. I could count on them. When they died, I lost a lot. Only I never acknowledged it emotionally. I just soldiered on because I was the mainstay of everything. But my loss is showing up in my brittleness. And I can see that I feel the loss when I look at these glimpses of dreams. We all yearn for love. Mourning brings up this need.

Deb/AGBF

 

[Dee*Jay]

There is enormous wisdom is this post and it made me think of an insight into my own mourning I recently had. I lost my father in May of 2017, so it it is still less than a year. I have rarely cried about the loss, although I loved my father dearly. He had slipped away slowly before his physical death and I thought that was why. But a few days ago I became aware-two days in a row-that I had had dreams about him. Brief glimpses of the previous night's dreams flashed in front of me during the day. In one I was in a grocery store picking our food my father would enjoy: cantaloupe melon pieces and corn-on-the-cob. The next night I had baked him a layer cake with a lot of icing and he had opted to have cake for lunch. So in both dreams I was feeding him. And, of course, in both dreams he was still alive.

I realized that I am angry all the time now. I yell at my daughter and I feel robbed of the juices of life. I do not think about what I have lost or whine about it. But once in a while I recall a dream and I have dreamed that I have a beloved father back or (as I mentioned in another thread) that there are some dogs with fat tummies to rub.

I did not have narcissistic parents. While my parents were sane and whole, they were endlessly giving and loving to me. They were the only people who loved me. I could count on them. When they died, I lost a lot. Only I never acknowledged it emotionally. I just soldiered on because I was the mainstay of everything. But my loss is showing up in my brittleness. And I can see that I feel the loss when I look at these glimpses of dreams. We all yearn for love. Mourning brings up this need.

Deb/AGBF

I love you Deb. I know it's not at all the same, but I do.

 

[Calliecake]

Deb, I'm sorry. Sending hugs and love to you.

 

[PintoBean]

Awww @AGBF - I You too! What you said above is exactly how I feel - we all yearn for love. Mourning brings up this need.

Any time you want, I'll drive to CT to give you a drive by hug lololol.

Sooo... I was at Marshalls and there was an older man and woman walking. The man was kvetching about how he didn't think that in his 70s he'd be the only one of the group of friend to not have his wife still. the woman then replies well I'm alone now too, but apparently that fell on deaf ears. Me pulling s PB, I stick my head out and announce "well I didn't think I'd be a 38 year old widow," and the two continue walking like I'm invisible. That's when I looked up (man was a foot taller than me) and realized that what we've all been saying CLEARLY fell on deaf ears (hearing aid)
...and from what I hear, the female frequencies usually go first (conveniently)

 

[yennyfire]

Awww @AGBF - I You too! What you said above is exactly how I feel - we all yearn for love. Mourning brings up this need.

Any time you want, I'll drive to CT to give you a drive by hug lololol.

Sooo... I was at Marshalls and there was an older man and woman walking. The man was kvetching about how he didn't think that in his 70s he'd be the only one of the group of friend to not have his wife still. the woman then replies well I'm alone now too, but apparently that fell on deaf ears. Me pulling s PB, I stick my head out and announce "well I didn't think I'd be a 38 year old widow," and the two continue walking like I'm invisible. That's when I looked up (man was a foot taller than me) and realized that what we've all been saying CLEARLY fell on deaf ears (hearing aid)
...and from what I hear, the female frequencies usually go first (conveniently)

Sending hugs to you @AGBF!

PB, that's hysterical! My grandmother used to turn her hearing aids off if she didn't like what you were saying!

 

[AGBF]

This obviously isn't my thread, but I haven't been on-line since early this (yesterday) morning. It's after 2 AM and I just popped in and saw many sweet response to me. I wanted to say "thank you" to everyone. I was working to get ready to go to Virginia all day and tomorrow (today) I drive down. A male friend and I are driving down to get my Christmas ornaments. We plan to pack them up, spend the night there with my husband, then drive right back. So it will be exhausting but I will get to put up a real Christmas tree for the first time in years. My husband was very opposed to my coming down (he is coming up to Connecticut on Saturday the 23 to spend Christmas here) so this almost didn't happen. I thank God for my friend, who is taking vacation from his job before Christmas and who had this idea that I needed a tree and that he was swooping me up to get my ornaments! This same man dressed up as Santa Claus when my daughter was three years old and I had a party for her and her nursery school class at Christmas time baking gingerbread cookies. I wish I still had the picture of him in my kitchen with all those children! At any rate, I will check in when I get back. Thank you all and I wish all of you good spirits!

Hugs,
Deb

 

[azstonie]

Awww @AGBF -

Sooo... I was at Marshalls and there was an older man and woman walking. The man was kvetching about how he didn't think that in his 70s he'd be the only one of the group of friend to not have his wife still. the woman then replies well I'm alone now too, but apparently that fell on deaf ears. Me pulling s PB, I stick my head out and announce "well I didn't think I'd be a 38 year old widow," and the two continue walking like I'm invisible. That's when I looked up (man was a foot taller than me) and realized that what we've all been saying CLEARLY fell on deaf ears (hearing aid)
...and from what I hear, the female frequencies usually go first (conveniently)

I don't know how many PS-ers out there share this with me, but I split my life into two halves:
1. Birth to age 33.

2. Age 33 when I moved to Alaska to marry my college love. Once I moved up there, my personality disordered parents lost 99% of their control over me and I lived *my* life. I had some significant personal and professional successes during this time, and the marriage fell apart almost immediately but when it really augered in I was financially secure and had a lot of support. I loved where I was living and my job. My parents, upon hearing I was getting divorced: "Are you coming home?"

Below please find my experience comment. It's worth exactly what was paid for it. 0. I'm putting it in here because kind people helped me out of the hurt bag when my first husband was giving me nothing but trouble and I needed perspective and frankness.
******************************

You are going to have a clear delineation btw your life before widowhood and after widowhood.

What you make out of the last and longest portion of your life is purely of your creation and control.

Your parents: They are under your direct control IF you take that control. They aren't kind to you, they aren't respectful of you, and they are not supportive of you. Based on some of your postings, they actually work against you and your efforts to get good things happening for you. Now that you will have your next mate with you as an adult who has been married prior and thus knows a few things, you know that your parents might have have an impact there if they are not under your control. If you're enmeshed with negative, controlling and abusive parents, prospective mates with some life experience under their belts are going to find it hard to sign on for that. Why not try some Medium Chill (see outofthefog.net) with your parents before you start dating? There's no romance and chemistry killer like someone else's parents fully in the picture.

*********************
Okay, that's my 2 cents and if any of it resonates, great, and if it doesn't I'm glad and by all means carry on and keep kickin' ass and taking names

 

[valeria101]

... who must interact with them

... stunted spouses, not expected daughters ... who might be saved by the proverbial 'village' that is said to reise its children - in the very old school parts of the world.

I let rights go over my head, to the youngest of 'the village'.

You do you ! *

____
* PS byline I cannot place right now - like all the great zeitgeist

 

[december-fire]

This obviously isn't my thread, but I haven't been on-line since early this (yesterday) morning. It's after 2 AM and I just popped in and saw many sweet response to me. I wanted to say "thank you" to everyone. I was working to get ready to go to Virginia all day and tomorrow (today) I drive down. A male friend and I are driving down to get my Christmas ornaments. We plan to pack them up, spend the night there with my husband, then drive right back. So it will be exhausting but I will get to put up a real Christmas tree for the first time in years. My husband was very opposed to my coming down (he is coming up to Connecticut on Saturday the 23 to spend Christmas here) so this almost didn't happen. I thank God for my friend, who is taking vacation from his job before Christmas and who had this idea that I needed a tree and that he was swooping me up to get my ornaments! This same man dressed up as Santa Claus when my daughter was three years old and I had a party for her and her nursery school class at Christmas time baking gingerbread cookies. I wish I still had the picture of him in my kitchen with all those children! At any rate, I will check in when I get back. Thank you all and I wish all of you good spirits!

Hugs,
Deb

Deb, it sounds like your road-trip buddy is a wonderful friend! I'm so glad. My wish for 2018 is that you have less stress and more joy.

Sending you hugs

 

[december-fire]

... stunted spouses, not expected daughters ... who might be saved by the proverbial 'village' that is said to reise its children - in the very old school parts of the world.

I let rights go over my head, to the youngest of 'the village'.

You do you ! *

____
* PS byline I cannot place right now - like all the great zeitgeist

Perhaps we're part of the village that is reaching out to our sweet @PintoBean and anyone else who may be reading and considering how suggestions might be beneficial to themselves.

 

[AGBF]

Deb, it sounds like your road-trip buddy is a wonderful friend! I'm so glad. My wish for 2018 is that you have less stress and more joy.

Sending you hugs

Thank you. Today he and I went to look at Christmas trees at a Christmas tree "farm" in Connecticut. I had never cut down my own tree before, but that is the way he always does it. (He used to be a landscaper although now he drives a flatbed truck for AAA.) We hiked through acres and acres and acres because we were having so much fun although we saw many wonderful trees we could have picked at any time. Eventually we settled on one and he sawed it down. (We had driven to Virginia in my Jeep, but he had driven me to the Christmas tree farm in his pick-up truck, so they loaded the tree into the back of that.) Then he wanted to show me his house, which was once my great-grandparents' house. My family sold it to him in 1999. On the way we passed the cemetery where a lot of my family is buried and I asked if he minded if we stopped. He said no and I showed him the graves of my grandparents and great-grandparents and other relatives. He had seen a family photo of them on my wall in Virginia. He started to cry and said he was going to come back there (the cemetery is in the town in which he lives) and edge all the graves. (I said he was really a landscaper!) I he saw the flag on my great-uncle's grave and we talked about his military service in World War II. (He was in the invasion of Normandy and The Battle of The Bulge). Then we looked at his house (which brought back a lot of memories to me since I grew up visiting that house; he even had the same picture of The Last Supper that my great aunts and uncles used to have in the kitchen. But he had it over his bed.) Finally we got coffee, and I went off my Atkins diet and got vanilla coffee and hot cocoa and coconut flavor and everything I like all mixed in because it was such a special day.

 

[canuk-gal]

Thank you. Today he and I went to look at Christmas trees at a Christmas tree "farm" in Connecticut. I had never cut down my own tree before, but that is the way he always does it. (He used to be a landscaper although now he drives a flatbed truck for AAA.) We hiked through acres and acres and acres because we were having so much fun although we saw many wonderful trees we could have picked at any time. Eventually we settled on one and he sawed it down. (We had driven to Virginia in my Jeep, but he had driven me to the Christmas tree farm in his pick-up truck, so they loaded the tree into the back of that.) Then he wanted to show me his house, which was once my great-grandparents' house. My family sold it to him in 1999. On the way we passed the cemetery where a lot of my family is buried and I asked if he minded if we stopped. He said no and I showed him the graves of my grandparents and great-grandparents and other relatives. He had seen a family photo of them on my wall in Virginia. He started to cry and said he was going to come back there (the cemetery is in the town in which he lives) and edge all the graves. (I said he was really a landscaper!) I he saw the flag on my great-uncle's grave and we talked about his military service in World War II. (He was in the invasion of Normandy and The Battle of The Bulge). Then we looked at his house (which brought back a lot of memories to me since I grew up visiting that house; he even had the same picture of The Last Supper that my great aunts and uncles used to have in the kitchen. But he had it over his bed.) Finally we got coffee, and I went off my Atkins diet and got vanilla coffee and hot cocoa and coconut flavor and everything I like all mixed in because it was such a special day.

Wow. What a wonderful road trip!

cheers--Sharon

 

[december-fire]

Thank you. Today he and I went to look at Christmas trees at a Christmas tree "farm" in Connecticut. I had never cut down my own tree before, but that is the way he always does it. (He used to be a landscaper although now he drives a flatbed truck for AAA.) We hiked through acres and acres and acres because we were having so much fun although we saw many wonderful trees we could have picked at any time. Eventually we settled on one and he sawed it down. (We had driven to Virginia in my Jeep, but he had driven me to the Christmas tree farm in his pick-up truck, so they loaded the tree into the back of that.) Then he wanted to show me his house, which was once my great-grandparents' house. My family sold it to him in 1999. On the way we passed the cemetery where a lot of my family is buried and I asked if he minded if we stopped. He said no and I showed him the graves of my grandparents and great-grandparents and other relatives. He had seen a family photo of them on my wall in Virginia. He started to cry and said he was going to come back there (the cemetery is in the town in which he lives) and edge all the graves. (I said he was really a landscaper!) I he saw the flag on my great-uncle's grave and we talked about his military service in World War II. (He was in the invasion of Normandy and The Battle of The Bulge). Then we looked at his house (which brought back a lot of memories to me since I grew up visiting that house; he even had the same picture of The Last Supper that my great aunts and uncles used to have in the kitchen. But he had it over his bed.) Finally we got coffee, and I went off my Atkins diet and got vanilla coffee and hot cocoa and coconut flavor and everything I like all mixed in because it was such a special day.

Deb, I'm so happy for you! What a wonderful, special day filled with a real connection to another person! I want you to have more days like this. Well, don't go chopping down a tree everyday, but spend time with someone who puts you at ease, speaks from the heart, listens and brings lightness and joy to your life. Yes, there are serious issues in life but, as much as possible, we need to fit in the lighter, fun stuff.

 

[december-fire]

@PintoBean ,

If you feel something annoying in your neck, its me sending you hugs, comforting thoughts, and warm wishes.

My aim might be off.

If so, sorry for being a pain in the neck.

Thinking of you, Sweetie!

 

[lyra]

I think about you every day. I hope you get the job you're wanting. I hope you know that even strangers on the internet are wishing you all the best. Take care PB.

 

[valeria101]

Here's from an expert in One Soul Xmas & Come What May New Year:

Have a good & very merry one of each too !

.-)

 

[BlingDreams]

PB,

Sending you warm thoughts and love from afar. You are so much more than your DNA. I know it’s hard to let go of those hurtful parental comments and behaviors, but remember they’re not about you... they’re about them.

It says a lot that those who aren’t “obligated” to be in your life truly enjoy your company!!!

Be good to yourself tomorrow. Snuggle with the kitties. Have some hot chocolate. Watch some great Christmas movies. And know you’re got many many people thinking of you!

 

[AGBF]

I am thinking of you today, PintoBean. I cannot imagine how hard this day and tomorrow will be for you. But then I cannot imagine how hard all the past days of your life have been. Hugs and prayers are here for you, but as we know when we say that we have those for the victims of another shooting massacre, how much do they help you in the end?

I hope that this thread does help, though. And I know that there have been people from Pricescope who have reached out to you "in real life". I hope I will meet you soon, too. I remember when you and StephanieLynn and I had all hoped to go to Mystic together one weekend when you had nothing to do. Was it last Memorial Day? It doesn't see all that long ago.

Have the merriest Christmas that you can have.

Love and Hugs,
(((PintoBean)))
Deb

 

[Queenie60]

Dear PB, thinking of you during this time of year. Wishing you well and a blessed holiday season.

 

[mary poppins]

Thinking about you and wondering what you are up to. Sending holiday hugs your way.