I'm a widow

[PintoBean]

I will see my therapist on Monday. Thankfully I'm regularly scheduled for weekly appointments.

 

[Gem Queen]

I just wanted to explain that when I give a recounting of something similar that happened to me, It's not that I'm trying to shift the focus off of the OP, it's just to say "hey, it's true. There are really crappy self-centered people out there, who you *think* you know, but really don't. At least not thru and thru". I'm just trying to say you're not in this boat alone. There are posters who don't know me, but PB is very used to me and my recounting of life events to help people understand that "yeah, this sh-t-y thing happened to me too". No one is one-upping here. I love PB to pieces.


GQ, I was disowned by said-sister 24 yrs. ago when I got engaged and they all realized that they couldn't ask me for things and favors anymore because I had a very important "new" person at the center of my life. She said she always counted on me being the spinster sister who was a doormat. OK now where is that eye rolling emoti? Technically, I'm not sure I could be called the spinster sister since I was with my first husband for eleven years, then I have to remind myself that I got caught in her game not knowing the rules.

So. basically, your sister is sociopathic. I bet she would latch on to some old person who has means and because they are near the end, hang on to them so she can rob them blind!! Wow, with a sister like that, I wouldn't be surprised if she tried to sleep with your husband. Now wouldn't that make you mad??

 

[yennyfire]

I am just speechless!!! There are no words.....

 

[december-fire]

Pinto, just a 'hello' to let you know I'm thinking about you and hoping you're feeling stronger today.

My mother (a saint and very wise woman) told me years ago to 'always consider the source'.
Try to keep that in mind when someone says something hurtful or insensitive.
Comments often have more to say about the speaker than about those who are on the receiving end of the comments.

Sending comforting hugs and prayers.

 

[MollyMalone]

My apologies, dear Pinto -- I thought I'd posted this publication from the City Bar Association when I found it, after you mentioned that you were interested in exploring the possibility of a pet trust. http://www2.nycbar.org/pdf/report/u...orYourPetintheEventofDeathHospitalization.pdf
(I double-checked the bills enacted in the 2017 legislative session; the City Bar's handbook, issued in 2016, is still au courant; for us New Yorkers, it's the best of the ones I looked at.)

Little sun in NYC today, but the Greenmarket had huge, honkin' sunflowers! If you bring flowers or plants into your house, do your kittums leave them alone? Our dearly departed Zach regarded any blooms and houseplants as special treats imported just for his noshing : - /

 

[minousbijoux]

My apologies, dear Pinto -- I thought I'd posted this publication from the City Bar Association when I found it, after you mentioned that you were interested in exploring the possibility of a pet trust. http://www2.nycbar.org/pdf/report/u...orYourPetintheEventofDeathHospitalization.pdf
(I double-checked the bills enacted in the 2017 legislative session; the City Bar's handbook, issued in 2016, is still au courant; for us New Yorkers, it's the best of the ones I looked at.)

Little sun in NYC today, but the Greenmarket had huge, honkin' sunflowers! If you bring flowers or plants into your house, do your kittums leave them alone? Our dearly departed Zach regarded any blooms and houseplants as special treats imported just for his noshing : - /

With all due respect, MollyMalone, you expect to bring ginormous interlopers like that (better known as sunflowers) into the house and not expect a self-respecting cat to want to defend his/her territory by eating it?!!

 

[arkieb1]

I feel like getting a priest I know to ring your FIL and tell him he is wrong, the ashes should have been placed to rest long ago and anything else that comes out of your FILs mouth is just bullsh@*.

You are not worthless, you have a narcissistic mother and married into a family who were used to treating your husband and you by default like cra*, none of that is your fault.

I learnt a long time ago we can't change the actions of other people the only thing we can change is how we react to them and the internal dialogue that we tell ourselves about those interactions.

 

[longtimelurker]

I'm so angry at myself for crying right now.

FIL called me with this cold tone. He said that they plan on putting Mike's ashes in the mausoleum within 2 weeks. He said he's in a safe place right now. :rollHe said they had to pick out the right niche - not too high, low enough that people can touch the marble. He said everyone is in bereavement right now and still grieving. I said that I wanted him in his permanent place ASAP. He said well you didn't want the ashes, but I explained that I didn't anticipate it taking over 2 months to put him in his final resting spot! I thought it was wake, funeral, crematorium, mausoleum! I said I could always pick him up and bring him to the cemetery, and they could do their ceremony later. Then he pulled the Catholic card. He said the priest has to be there to bless the niche before he's placed in it. I said but Michael was agnostic. I asked him to respect my wishes as Michael's spouse of wanting him in the mausoleum ASAP, to which he replied well HE was his father for 38 years, and he raised him Catholic, and this was never relayed to him. (Hmmm... his mom even agreed that he'd be mad that there was a funeral mass but she didn't care.) I said that if he hadn't been cremated, his body wouldn't be out for over 2 months! Then FIL said well the cremation business was new to him. I said, isn't it a Catholic thing for the ashes to be treated the same as the remains if they had not been cremated? That's when he pulled the Catholic card again and said no it's a personal thing, and sometimes people scatter the ashes or keep them forever at home, and I wouldn't know because I'm not Catholic. Then I brought up that Catholic friends of mine are wanting to go see his final resting place, and are alarmed when I say that he isn't interred yet, and that they pointed out this is not the Catholic way of doing things. He said that they can call him up and he can explain it.

I'm done. I'm so disgusted. I could use lots of TLC right now - FB, IG, e-mail, phone, PS responses, etc.

Your FIL is wrong. Just a quick google search....

.....Since the human body has an eternal destiny in any form, the Church requires that cremated remains of a body be buried or entombed immediately after the Funeral in the same timely manner as a body. Cremated remains of a loved one are not to be scattered, kept at home or divided into other vessels among family members, just as it is clear that these practices would desecrate a body in a casket. The Church allows for burial at sea, providing that the cremated remains of the body are buried in a heavy container and not scattered. ..... After the Funeral, the cremated remains of the body should be reverently buried or entombed in a cemetery or mausoleum (OCF, Reflections, p. 15).

http://www.ccaw.org/about_cremation.html

 

[PintoBean]

Thank you @longtimelurker and others for pointing out the Out-laws' hypocrisy when it comes to their practice of Catholicism. They are selectively practicing certain Catholic rituals now to overcompensate for their guilt for not being there for Mike when he was alive. Too little too late. They are selectively ignoring Catholic practices to suit their agenda.

I had a dream last night (nightmare?) where MIL asked me for more money bc the money they got from Mike wasnt enougn to buy FIL an AWD. I was flabbergasted in the dream. You take my money without notifying me and now you want MORE money?

 

[Gem Queen]

PB. How are you doing?? Hope you sleep well tonight!

 

[TooPatient]

PB -- I can imagine that conversation. Seems just like the rest of the outrageous stuff they have done.

Hope you sleep better tonight.

 

[monarch64]

And this is why I can't stand organized religions. I am so sorry PB. Just...I know everyone is grieving and emotional, but the ceremony part of all of it just does me in. I think your husband would hate to know this was happening and shame on his family for being totally selfish about all of it. All the hugs.

 

[PintoBean]

I think my out-laws weren't spanked enough as children. (Siri wants me to autocorrect it to say they weren't sHanked enough!)

 

[valeria101]

Thank you @longtimelurker and others for pointing out the Out-laws' hypocrisy

Calling spirits isn't in the calendar either.

 

[valeria101]

I feel like getting a priest I know to ring your FIL and tell him he is wrong, the ashes should have been placed to rest

Would it be worth reaching out to their priest ? I am not local enough to know ... we sure do this sort of thing (between Orthodox & Catholic denominations).

 

[PintoBean]

Would it be worth reaching out to their priest ? I am not local enough to know ... we sure do this sort of thing (between Orthodox & Catholic denominations).

They don't have a priest. Since I've known them (late 200 they don't go to church regularly. Ergo the hypocrisy

 

[TooPatient]

How about a polite but firm notice to turn over to a third party immediately or face charges of theft... Have the nice attorney write it on official letterhead and have it hand delivered.

I am not positive, but I suspect that holding onto human remains against the express wishes of the rightful owner is probably not a small crime.

 

[PintoBean]

Ugh... I thought I was done with the insurance company on the auto end. Nope. In order to remove the vehicle from the insurance policy I have to turn in the plates. If I don't have the plates I need to find out if the police had them and if they turned the in to the DMV.

The thing is, when I got this email, I was so confused bc the insurance company had possession of the vehicle, so wouldn't they know if there are plates on it or not? According to the rep helping me she didn't see plates in the pictures. I'm not looking forward to calling the police tomorrow. I'm hoping I get a straight answer right away so I can square this away stat!

As for my accident check... gee it took some time for the insurance company to find out they needed to PAY the medical examiner for the toxicology report so the check got sent August 1. Really?

I am only not making waves with the out laws bc I KNOW I did the best I could with my husband when he was ALIVE. It's not worth my energy fighting with his family now. If they don't put him in his final resting place within the next 2 Thursday's, we'll see

 

[valeria101]

I am only not making waves with the out laws bc I KNOW I did the best I could with my husband when he was ALIVE. It's not worth my energy fighting with his family now.

YES !

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

PB , Sending you strength in this difficult (euphemism) situation.
As others have already noted: comments and actions like this are only reflections of your ex- laws personalities and own issues.
It has NOTHING to do with you.

 

[PintoBean]

I need a break!!!

I called the police precinct and it's amazing how their tone changes when I drop that my husband DIED in the accident . They are going to look into what happened to the plates.

My dad just called me to tell me that he took Bean to the vet, and Bean's heart is enlarged - double size, and she's also overweight at 21 lbs. The heart is pressing against the lungs which is why she has fluid coming up. I can only make suggestions on how to feed the dog. Executing is my parents' problem. Stop giving the dog scraps. Stop giving the dog bread in the AM. Wonder why the dogs would lose weight whenever I watched them? Because I gave them kibble in lieu of bread for breakfast and reduced their dinner portions based on what was given for breakfast.

SOOooo over it.

 

[lovedogs]

PB you need a break! Come to CA and lounge in the sun with us!!!!! We have guest bedrooms, 2 small dog-friends, and lack of your annoying out-laws

 

[valeria101]

I need a break!!!

You are breaking with the past.

From where I am standing, changes look very fast, and you quite tough taking them one after another.

 

[PintoBean]

Ive truly had quite the day. lololol... I can't even digest it yet. I'd like to share it with my guardian angels later... preview - running around like a chicken with it's head cut off...

Positive highlights - good GP checkup!
My FIL called to let me know that the interment happens in two Fridays! He has a form for me to sign that he will bring by tomorrow where I acknowledge that there is no room in the niche next to my husband for me. That's what I wanted. I didn't want to reserve a space next to my husband. Now what if I got remarried again and there's only room for me and husband #1? hahahahaha... yeah... put me in the kitty litter

 

[valeria101]

- running around like a chicken with it's head cut off...

You got The job ?


(too early in the morning here - best time for nonsense!)

 

[PintoBean]

I thought I was done with the auto insurance aspect of the car once I got the check. Nope...
this is the car accident that never ends...
It goes on and on my friends...

I get an email with the subject "total loss" from liberty mutual with instructions on how to turn in the license plates if I have them. If I don't there's another set of instructions. Plates? Why are we dealing with this NOW? Chain of custody - accident site to police impound to liberty mutual lot. I forward the email to the rep I had been dealing with. Heydo you know why your colleagues are emailing me about plates? Oh, yes, before you can remove this vehicle from the insurance policy you need to provide proof of registration cancellation/plates returned to DMV... Wouldn't you know if the car had plates on them or not when you guys took custody of it? She replies, I don't see plates on pics of the car. Huh... they are probably with the police unless the police turned them into the DMV?

Monday I call the police precinct, and when someone FInALLY picks up they try to convince me that bc of the location of the accident it can't be their jurisdiction. Ummm detectives from YOUR precinct came to MY door to tell ME that MY husband DIED. Oh... sorry... he tells me he has no clue so he'll look into it and call me back. He's not sure what to do to locate the plates/status.

I then call the DMV. I select the best option and wait in the queue for 20 mins before I get a human who tells me I'm in the wrong department and when I get redirected to ask for the status of the registration for the car. If it's canceled, then that means the plates were received by the DMV and then I ask them to send me a receipt confirming this. Ok cool. I get redirected and the queue is supposedly 40 minutes so I opt for them to call ME back. Try 2 hours later... nope they don't have my plates and the rep tells me that usually the police don't turn plates in one at a time; rather, they return when the have like 200 plates.

Tuesday I call the precinct again. Again I'm told that I must have the wrong precinct. Umm... no... I get transferred to 3 people. Each person I'm transferred to asks why I'm transferred to them, and sounds exasperated and says something along the lines of ugh... these people upstairs/downstairs just like transferring to us. Ummm... I'm on the phone - upstairs/downstairs is not a good point of reference for me. Also, I make it a point to NOT be frequenting police stations... The 3rd person I get is at first not sure what to do for me, then he's like, oh, there's a little form I could fill out for you while you're on the phone with me right now. This should be what the DMV wants! Come pick it up from the police precinct now. OKEY DOKEY!

Remember how I wanted to bring the firemen cookies, but then freaked out when I found out that THREE different fire departments were at the accident site? Well, at least I believe it's only ONE police precinct I've had to deal with, so I packed up two boxes of cookies and 1 box of brownie thins that were unopened from the "cookie stalker" SIL's package to deliver to the police.

When I walk into the police station, two women behind a counter tell me to drop my needles (I swear I heard needles) and drugs. I'm like WHAT? NEEDLES? I have cookies? Oooo we were just saying that we could use something sweet! I walk up to the counter, and before I can finish explaining that I'm there to pick up this form, one officer has snatched the bag of goodies and run off with it! On the way out, I see that there is a drop off for prescription drugs. Now why did I hear NEEDLES?!? IDK...

After I get the form, I go to the DMV. I get my magic number... I'm called to a booth, and the woman goes, oh my, this is too old - it's from May, I can't handle this request here - I have to put you back in the queue. I get called again to another booth. The guy goes - this form is incomplete. Umm... the police officer filled it out when I was on the phone with him. It was like pulling teeth to even get one to fill this out. He wasn't even there when I picked it up. My husband is dead. I did do a transfer of title form too - does that help? He calls another "dude" over. The other dude goes, yeah... this form is incomplete, it's insufficient anyways. You need an original death certificate and in lieu of this form you should be getting an original TOTAL LOSS LETTER that identifies the plate number from your INSURANCE COMPANY and this is STANDARD PROCEDURE and they should know this. I'm like . I repeat back twice - all I need to come back with is an original total loss letter with the license plate number noted from the insurance company and an original death certificate. The guy says correct. The other guy hands me a sheet that says what I need to come back with. It actually says COMPLETED form from the police + total loss letter + death cert. Huh...?? I think he started filling that out before the supervisor dude came over... so I guess I don't need that form re-done from the police again. IDK. Shoot me now. Seriously...

 

[Matata]

PB, that reads like a Monty Python episode. At this point, I would contact that psychic your MIL used, call up Mike, and read him the riot act. And if this type of bureaucratic nonsense happens again, squeeze out the crocodile tears make THEM do the work for you. Your patience is to be commended. I would have pulled the mother of all temper tantrums.

 

[lovedogs]

omg @PintoBean HOW IS THIS REAL LIFE?! It's like a nonstop sh*t show! If i were you I'm not sure if I'd be laughing or crying hysterically.

 

[valeria101]

... before I can finish explaining that I'm there to pick up this form, one officer has snatched the bag of goodies and run off with it!

You got me laughing out loud like an idiot - while a poor schmack is trying to explain his PhD on the stage two (empty) rows of seats infront ... Now, he is SCARED ! Stares ...

PS OFF.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

NY bureaucracy at its finest!