I'm a widow

[december-fire]

OK, so you feel vulnerable.
You're afraid they're going to say something awful about you or something that hurts you?

If they say something inappropriate, it reflects on them.
Not you.

People who know you know that you're a thoughtful, kind and considerate person.

Words will hurt you only if you value the opinion of whoever is speaking those words.

I know it hurt to have them do the things they've done since your husband passed.
You've lost your husband and they've lost their son.
Such events can cause the World to turn upside down, and people try to cope in various ways; positively, negatively, compassionately and irrationally.

Go to the Internment.
You were a wonderful wife.
Hold your head high.

Have your prepared comments to recite, and repeat, if needed:
"I'm not up for conversation today." ... from @MissGotRocks -- (I think this is excellent).

It won't be easy, Pinto, but I think it would be good for you to go.

 

[MissGotRocks]

December-fire makes good sense and good points on the loss. It has been suffered by many and we don't always do our best under such circumstances. Other than the fact that you have been hurt by them during this tragedy, I guess I don't understand the vulnerability. I am sure there is much history here between you and his family and we obviously don't know all of it so probably don't understand how deep it runs. However, if I wanted to go, nothing or no one could keep me away. I think that as his widow you will be given wide space to come and pay your respects. As his parents, I can only imagine how difficult it will be for them as well so I wouldn't think they would be up for small talk. You do not have to have conversation with anyone but you rightfully have a place at that service. The choice is yours and I send you warm hugs and strength for when you need it most.

 

[MollyMalone]

As you ponder this (and you don't have to decide tonight), I'd like to gently suggest that your calculus not include the fact that your in-laws didn't call your parents with the information re next Friday's service/rites (sorry, I don't know the precise term Catholics use for this) at the mausoleum. This isn't a formal dinner party for 8 where your in-laws would go on to invite 2 other people to take their place at the table if your parents didn't accept the party invite.

Maybe if I had a very close-knit relationship with my son's in-laws, socialized with them independent of our "kids," I would reach out to them. But otherwise, it honestly wouldn't occur to me to do so; I'd leave it to my daughter-in-law to tell her family and whomever else she'd like to be there. And in this particular instance, neither of your parents attended their son's funeral service (it pisses me off no end that they weren't there with-for you); your mother was present for just one of the funeral home's sets of visiting hours. So were I your MIL, I'd be apprehensive about calling your parents on the off-chance they didn't already know about the plan, concerned that it would be awkward for them and me... and quite possibly upsetting to me to make the calls, only to hear they'd be giving next Friday a brush-off too.

The son of my since-forever best friend is getting married out in the Midwest on the day after the interment. As of tonight, it would be prohibitively expensive to change my Thursday night flight out of NYC. But fares sometimes drop closer in time, so if I can swing it to be in Long Island on that Friday, I'd be happy to join you (and ward off pesky intrusive questions). I could even bring you some hats to choose from, if you'd like; there's one with a fetching wisp of veil over the brim

 

[PintoBean]

My in laws made a point to get together with my parents at least once a year and had my parents over for the holidays schedule permitting. They didn't hang out with cookie stalker's parents at all. They thought it was funny to tease me about how they were besties with my parents because they knew that my parents and I often butt heads. If they call to invite them over for thanksgiving and Christmas Eve every year, I'd think that they'd call to give them the schedule for the interment.

Also, they were so moved that my parents took Mike in for 3 weeks to try to help him when we first, no I first realized about his alcoholism.

I'm just burnt out from having insufficient support since November.

I do feel vulnerable bc of them using the them versus me card and bullying me to get their way.

It took all my strength this past winter and spring to create boundaries with my husband where any behavior directed towards me that was rude and belligerent was dealt with by him or I leaving the room. It's very much so against my nature to be that firm and to be able to stand up for myself like that.

My hormones are definitely at play right now too and the timing couldn't be worse.

 

[valeria101]

I'm just burnt out from having insufficient support since November.

Eh ...

Even if the ex-laws have not sat down to calculate each move, I am sure they do feel it. [so do animals !]

It must have been quite the burden on them to ostracize you - politely. I'd bet it was not easy to emit this last invitation. They will make it equally uneasy on you if you attended.

How kind of them to let you volunteer into taking in some pain !

If the whole town attended the funeral, you would have reason to show up (and then, there would be that many more choices of whom to engage with ! - no need to ask random strangers from other continents ... ). As is, you already have the relevant agreement with your hunsband:

any behavior directed towards me that was rude and belligerent was dealt with by him or I leaving the room

Obviously, you have already stood up to them together with your husband. Your support is gone ... so is the burden (at least this one burden of ex-laws).


____

Ps.

Damn booze !

 

[december-fire]

Pinto,

The Internment is about your husband.
Not your in-laws.

Past actions and words can cause a lot of noise and static which prevents us from seeing things as clearly as we might otherwise.

Grief, pain, anger, etc, can influence our thoughts and decisions.

Its easier to place blame on someone else for why we do or don't do certain things, instead of realizing that choices are our own.

Stressful events, tragedies, etc., one on top of the next or concurrently can wear a person down so that they feel incapable of functioning, void of any reserve of strength.

This really isn't about anyone except you and your husband.

Saying that you aren't able to go to your husband's internment because of your in-laws might sound like yet another reason to be angry with them, but the fact is that they aren't preventing you from going.

There can be many reasons that you don't want to go.
Nobody wants to go to their husband's funeral or internment.

This sounds like a lecture, and that is definitely not how its intended.
Just my thoughts having been through various situations in my life.

I've had loved ones die but never a husband, so feel free to tell me off.

I'm so very sorry you've been through so much and not had the support that one would wish to have.
Know that you have our support.

Sending comforting thoughts for strength and peace.

 

[ringo865]

You could tell all of your extended family (presuming they don't already know) about the services. They could attend in support of you. You would then have some diversion from the exlaws.

He is your husband, after all. I totally get that you don't want to go, but think deep down, you "need" to go.
Then, possibly, seek out an Al-Anon group. (in another town, maybe)

Be well Pinto, and stay strong.

 

[Slickk]

Pinto,
Long story short, I buried my parents' cremains two months after their deaths and I felt a peacefulness after that was done that I hadn't felt before. I wonder if this is what you need for closure with the in laws and a sense of serenity that your husband is now properly at rest. I like previous suggestions to sidestep any conversation with them as this day is about your beloved spouse and nothing else.
Be well... ((hugs))

 

[elle_71125]

I just don't feel great. I have the interment then our 5 year anniversary then a HS reunion that I don't feel confident attending (unless someone can get me Dermot Mulroney as a date). I also signed myself up to take my first work related exam on August 31. I fear I will always have unrequited love and my vagina will fossilize into a cavern and grow stalactites and stalagmites. I also hate that I'm still up after 2 AM.

The BEST imagery! Have no fear, you have far too much personality for that baby to ever fossilize. What's not to love about a sweet bean, with a great sense of humor (and the world's cutest cats)?!

 

[marymm]

Pinto, add me to the others who encourage you to attend the interment of your DH's ashes. Wear big dark glasses and a wide-brimmed dark hat if appropriate, and be there to witness the placement. Then, leave immediately. To the extent possible, do not engage with the in-laws. And if you must speak with them, I'd suggest murmuring "what a difficult day for everyone" and moving on.

 

[PintoBean]

Did I mention that I was originally told that the interment was immediate family only which is why I was wondering why the **** is it taking so long to coordinate everyone's schedule?

I got a text from Mike's aunt she took a last minute trip to NY. I see on FB that another aunt and one of her kids are in town. Seriously?

 

[december-fire]

Pinto,

It has taken a long time, for whatever reasons, for the Internment to be scheduled.
However, its now scheduled.

I hesitate to say anything because I sincerely want to help you as much as possible to get through this tragedy, however, I'm not clear on why you're upset about Mike's Aunts and a cousin attending the Internment. Everyone defines 'immediate family' differently. Perhaps the term was used to mean 'not friends or colleagues' in an effort to limit the number of people.

My apologies if there is negative history between your husband and his aunts that I don't recall reading.

I wonder if you're viewing this as 'more people on their side'.
This is just about your husband and you; there is no 'them' versus 'us' unless you let your mind go there.

Written words can come across the wrong way.
I hope you know that my messages to you are meant in a kind and supportive way.

Sending hugs

 

[BlingDreams]

Did I mention that I was originally told that the interment was immediate family only which is why I was wondering why the **** is it taking so long to coordinate everyone's schedule?

I got a text from Mike's aunt she took a last minute trip to NY. I see on FB that another aunt and one of her kids are in town. Seriously?

It's incredibly unfair and hurtful that blood and marriage family members are treating you this way.

There is no question that you deserve better.

At this point your only question is how do you want to respond.

If you don't have the emotional capacity to go on Friday, I'm sure Michael would understand. His family won't, and you'll be forever condemned and criticized for not going. They'll of course never accept the role they played in your decision and hoping for anything else is fruitless. But if you do decide to brave the gut-churning heart-wrenching time with those who have been so cruel to you, you'll have the love and support of all of us here.

I won't offer my opinion on what you should do, but I've got your back either way

 

[PintoBean]

@Asscherhalo_lover is going to go with me. I wont believe it till I see them put the ashes in the niche.

The issue with the extended family coming is that when I was told the date of the interment I wasn't asked if it's convenient for me or my family just told the date. I was just relieved that it was set so his ashes weren't floating around in some bizarre timeshare. Had I known it was going to be extended to these out of town relatives - aunts and uncles and cousins I would have pushed for alternate dates to fit my parents' schedule. Right now my mom is still out of town.

 

[PintoBean]

Even better had I not called the attorney for status check I wouldn't have been told that they hadn't filed my letter of admin form bc I'm short something. . Going to call liberty mutual to make sure that total loss letter is being sent to me. It's been a week since I made the request.

 

[ame]

Did I mention that I was originally told that the interment was immediate family only which is why I was wondering why the **** is it taking so long to coordinate everyone's schedule?

I got a text from Mike's aunt she took a last minute trip to NY. I see on FB that another aunt and one of her kids are in town. Seriously?

I think you should go, and include WHOEVER YOU WANT to attend. His friends, YOUR family, whoever. If they've decided these others should be there, you need to decide who YOU want present as well. This is YOUR husband. It might also be their son, but they don't get to call every shot. You need to be part of this and you need to include your own support system and not play their games anymore. Once this event has passed, you can decide what, if any, contact with them you will continue to have.

 

[PintoBean]

I think you should go, and include WHOEVER YOU WANT to attend. His friends, YOUR family, whoever. If they've decided these others should be there, you need to decide who YOU want present as well. This is YOUR husband. It might also be their son, but they don't get to call every shot. You need to be part of this and you need to include your own support system and not play their games anymore. Once this event has passed, you can decide what, if any, contact with them you will continue to have.

Trust me, if I knew where the crack whores and meth heads reside I'd round them up and take them there.

 

[december-fire]

@Asscherhalo_lover is going to go with me. I wont believe it till I see them put the ashes in the niche.

The issue with the extended family coming is that when I was told the date of the interment I wasn't asked if it's convenient for me or my family just told the date. I was just relieved that it was set so his ashes weren't floating around in some bizarre timeshare. Had I known it was going to be extended to these out of town relatives - aunts and uncles and cousins I would have pushed for alternate dates to fit my parents' schedule. Right now my mom is still out of town.

I'm so glad to hear that @Asscherhalo_lover is going with you!

@Asscherhalo_lover , I know I'm not the only one who is happy to hear you'll be with Pinto. Thank you.

 

[valeria101]

II'd call you Don Quijote if @Asscherhalo_lover doesn't mind being Panza [attempted humour] ...

You face them ! Or ignore them. Whichever comes handy.

I hope that the day after you will have drawn the line.

 

[Hayley87]

Pinto, I just want to say that your in-laws suck, and you're doing a great job handling them in the midst of tackling your own grief. Viewing from the sidelines, their control of the situation looks like a Borderline Personality- or Narcissistic Personality Disorder- induced need to control the situation. It's nauseating to read, so I can't imagine the tumult you feel.

For all the wretchedness of the lead-up to it, I echo what others say: I'm glad you're attending the internment because I think it's an important part of the grieving process, and I'm so happy @Asscherhalo_lover is going with you. Don't worry about interacting with anyone else if you don't want to: you have the world's most effective "card" to play at your own husband's internment, and anyone who tried to complain to someone else about your behavior (*cough*your in-laws*cough*) would be rightly recognized as a**holes by anyone listening.

I second the big hat and glasses suggestion. In fact, I think you and Asscher should both go for it, and take a scathing Edina and Patsy (of Absolutely Fabulous) approach to anyone who tries to wrankle you.

 

[PintoBean]

I'm more anxious than usual with Friday looming over me.

I had interview 3/3. They are eager to move forward with me. I'm trying not to be overwhelmed with the new job being demanding, commission-wise. First things first, study and take my first license test.

Tomorrow, I'm back to the attorney's office bc an affidavit wasn't signed ? Ugh... I'm also expecting to get the letter from the insurance company overnighted. That means Thursday I can head on back to the DMV.

 

[Hayley87]

Congrats on the new job!!!

 

[cmd2014]

You are stronger than you think. Friday will come and go, and I hope in hindsight you find comfort in being able to attend, no matter what anyone says or does during the service. You can't control other people or be held responsible for their behaviour - so if they behave badly, that's on them and not you. And in the end this is about you being able to say a final goodbye to Mike, who you clearly loved. That's all that really matters.

 

[freezing_in_MO]

Congratulations on the new job! I hope they treat you how a person with your wit, wisdom, and intelligence deserves to be treated.

I understand your frustration about the "asymmetric" invitations. It's in line with the rest of their rude behavior. You can hold your head high, knowing that you behaved graciously regardless.

Thanks to @Asscherhalo_lover for going with you. I'm jealous that she gets to spend time with you. For what it's worth (diddly squat), I would have been up for dressing like a crack/meth whore for the service if it would have helped you make a point. If I ever make it to your neck of the woods, we can plan an "accidental" run-in with your in-laws. This crack whore idea is way too brilliant to sit there unimplemented. You can introduce me as your live-in life coach/spiritual advisor

I'm more anxious than usual with Friday looming over me.

I had interview 3/3. They are eager to move forward with me. I'm trying not to be overwhelmed with the new job being demanding, commission-wise. First things first, study and take my first license test.

Tomorrow, I'm back to the attorney's office bc an affidavit wasn't signed ? Ugh... I'm also expecting to get the letter from the insurance company overnighted. That means Thursday I can head on back to the DMV.

 

[valeria101]

I'm trying not to be overwhelmed with the new job being demanding, commission-wise.

Compared to your last three months ?

You could take over NATO & it'd be a breeze !

 

[mary poppins]

I'm about to go away for the weekend and will have limited internet access. Just wanted to stop by and let you know I'll be thinking about you more than usual on Thursday and Friday to send strength and calming thoughts as you prepare for and attend the ceremony for Mike. I'll be there in spirit sitting on your shoulder giving your outlaws nasty looks and the finger on your behalf.

 

[BlingDreams]

PB,

48 hours from now your life will be on a very different path. You'll have said your final goodbye to Michael, most likely have severed the ties with his family, and will then be able to TRULY focus on yourself and finally processing all of the grief that comes along with this tragic event in your life.

For now, take it one day, one hour, and maybe even one minute at a time. Focus on eating enough and getting the best sleep you can.

You have a resilience that is envied by many and inspires all.

Your new RG bean tells the story that is to come... a new life, a new beginning. Caress it for strength when you feel overwhelmed. That might sound corny, but caressing my pendant - made from my late mom's diamond - never fails to bring me strength and comfort.

Keep reminding yourself that you're doing this one last event for yourself, and to honor your marriage. It's not about the ex-laws, and it's not about showing anybody up. It's about honoring your late husband and finding closure.

Know that we'll the there with you in spirit. I hope you can feel our hugs.

 

[freezing_in_MO]

Beautifully stated.

PB,

You have a resilience that is envied by many and inspires all.

Your new RG bean tells the story that is to come... a new life, a new beginning. Caress it for strength when you feel overwhelmed.

Know that we'll the there with you in spirit. I hope you can feel our hugs.

PB, your resilience and grace truly inspire me. I am certain that you will handle this event with the same grace that you have handled all others. I am thinking of you and with you in spirit.

 

[tyty333]

Add me to the list of followers that wish I had your resilience, grace, and sense of humor! I continue to be impressed with how you have fought
your way to where you are today. I know today and tomorrow may be stressful but remember that it is a finite amount of time and then it will be
over. I congratulate you on your new job (yahoo!). Job hunting is stressful at any time but you have managed to find a new job on top of
the grieving process. That makes you Super Women in my book! I know you may not feel like a Super Women and may still feel like breaking down
at times (which is ok), but you really have come a long way. Sincerely, I dont think I can express how impressed I am with your strength and coping
abilities. I'm sending my wishes for strength and confidence to get you through tomorrow.

 

[PintoBean]

My MIL called to ask if I'd changed my mind about going and I said yes. Said my dad wants to go too. She mentions that it's them and aunt Kathy and that her son and DIL have to dash afterwards so a quick lunch after? I said no we are in a hurry as well.

I love how FIL gets to make the "serious" calls and MIL gets to make the saccharine calls.me when she said she loved me.

Times like these I'm actually greatful for a bit of that Stepford wife training I got as a kid. Smile, wave, tell everyone everything's all right.