I'm a widow

[elle_71125]

Your Mom asked you for money for her trip? Why? and if I'm treading on personal ground here, I apologize. I thought it was the parents who gave to their kids. She should be reminded that this kid, her one kid, is presently without employment. I'm sorry I'm just shocked. As if you don't have enough to worry about right now. At one point in my life, more than 25 yrs. ago, I had no husband and I had just bought my house. The sister I "used to have" asked me if she could borrow a large sum of money, after borrowing an even larger sum of money and having the check bounce when she paid me back. When I asked her why she thought she was entitled to any money I had, she said it was because "I had no life, I had no marriage and I was unimportant". Sometimes when you think you know people, you don't really know them at all.

Wow! That's a horrible human being right there. I'm not violent but even I want to reach through and punch this lady in the face!

 

[PintoBean]

I'm so angry at myself for crying right now.

FIL called me with this cold tone. He said that they plan on putting Mike's ashes in the mausoleum within 2 weeks. He said he's in a safe place right now. :rollHe said they had to pick out the right niche - not too high, low enough that people can touch the marble. He said everyone is in bereavement right now and still grieving. I said that I wanted him in his permanent place ASAP. He said well you didn't want the ashes, but I explained that I didn't anticipate it taking over 2 months to put him in his final resting spot! I thought it was wake, funeral, crematorium, mausoleum! I said I could always pick him up and bring him to the cemetery, and they could do their ceremony later. Then he pulled the Catholic card. He said the priest has to be there to bless the niche before he's placed in it. I said but Michael was agnostic. I asked him to respect my wishes as Michael's spouse of wanting him in the mausoleum ASAP, to which he replied well HE was his father for 38 years, and he raised him Catholic, and this was never relayed to him. (Hmmm... his mom even agreed that he'd be mad that there was a funeral mass but she didn't care.) I said that if he hadn't been cremated, his body wouldn't be out for over 2 months! Then FIL said well the cremation business was new to him. I said, isn't it a Catholic thing for the ashes to be treated the same as the remains if they had not been cremated? That's when he pulled the Catholic card again and said no it's a personal thing, and sometimes people scatter the ashes or keep them forever at home, and I wouldn't know because I'm not Catholic. Then I brought up that Catholic friends of mine are wanting to go see his final resting place, and are alarmed when I say that he isn't interred yet, and that they pointed out this is not the Catholic way of doing things. He said that they can call him up and he can explain it.

I'm done. I'm so disgusted. I could use lots of TLC right now - FB, IG, e-mail, phone, PS responses, etc.

 

[Karl_K]

I am so sorry about your on going issues with the FIL.
Thoughts and prayers outgoing

 

[december-fire]

Pinto, Sweetie, this is insane.
I swear to God that the passing of a loved one can bring out the most crazy behaviour in some people!
Michael married you!
He did not select his parents.
However, your FIL should not be turning this into a 'who's grieving more', 'who was most important in Michael's life', or any other ridiculous game.

I want to fix this for you.
I can't. Not legally anyway.

I'm sending you big hugs, comforting thoughts, positive vibes and tons of wishes for this to be settled soon.

I hope your tragic loss and this voyage through insanity serves as a warning to everyone to put their affairs in order and ensure that their loved ones won't endure unnecessary pain, financial stress, or any other issues on top of the heartache and stress that cannot be avoided when a loved one passes.

I thought of suggesting you contact a Priest, explain the situation and ask for guidance, but that might not be productive.
Kind of like each side gathering up their own lawyers, except the 'muscle' would be Priests instead of lawyers.
PB to FIL: 'Yeah, well, I'll see your two Priests and raise you three nuns and a Cardinal!'

Big hugs, Pinto.

 

[Matata]

I asked him to respect my wishes as Michael's spouse of wanting him in the mausoleum ASAP, to which he replied well HE was his father for 38 years, and he raised him Catholic, and this was never relayed to him.

If you know where his ashes are, go get them and have them interred. It will help give you some closure and symbolically severs the last cord tethering you to his family. While I understand his parent's emotions, I think this is more a parental power play with a dash of resentment about the money they received and your discussions with them about it. It's time your wishes and needs take precedence. Hugs.

 

[BlingDreams]

Ah PB, I'm so sorry. But for your own sanity you might need to let this go. They obviously aren't in any rush to inter him nor are they going to speed it up to ease your pain. Its almost as if they're taking their sweet time to make it even harder for you! It continues to be all about them and they're once again downplaying that your were his spouse.

Sending you big, huge hugs. You're got an army of people willing to bang on your PIL's (PAST in-laws!) door and do whatever you want.

 

[Resonance.Of.Life]

Sending lots of hugs and love to you. Unfortunately it seems that the $hitty former in-laws are going to be selfish about the whole ordeal and will not change. I am truly disheartened for you, PB. The fact that they aren't taking into account M's wishes nor yours speaks volumes. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

 

[lyra]

I should probably keep my mouth shut, but it's so hard. I see how overwhelming this is, and it makes me so angry at your inlaws. I feel like you need to show up at their door with both a priest and the police. It's crazy what they're doing. This is not the norm. But yes, people do strange and sometimes terrible things when there is a death in the family. Still, enough is enough. They are prolonging your distress, and that is just unkind and cruel. I'm so sorry you have to deal with these jerks. I think once Michael is in place, you have no need to deal with them again. Take care.

 

[MissGotRocks]

Yes, unfortunately they have not considered your feelings in much of anything it seems. They offered to take it over from the start and because you gave them your blessing to do so, they have run away with all of it. They took half of the money without even really discussing it with you. I am sure they have a point of view in all of this and had they had an open, honest discussion with you about it, there might have been some understanding or compromise about various things after his death.
You have stated your point of view on behalf of Michael's behalf and sadly, there isn't much you can do about when they decide to place to his ashes in their final resting place. I don't know what your relationship was with them prior to this but clearly it probably just needs to come to an end. As his parents, I am sure they have not suffered this loss well. I am sorry for your sake that they could not extend themselves to offer you the comfort and respect they should have as his wife in the face of your loss.
I am sorry for your loss and your pain. I am sure that none of us can truly understand the depth save for those that have been through it. You are at the crossroads of a new beginning and while it is scary and unknown, good days lie ahead for you. Keep breathing, keep moving one step at a time and don't let the hurt you feel by them hold you back. Fuss and fume and cry until it is out of your system and then promise yourself to try to let it go. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to look something in the face and have to accept it for exactly what it is with no fuzz on it. However, that clarity will help you move forward.
Big hugs to you - there are many that care about you and I hope you find some comfort in that tonight.

 

[luv2sparkle]

OMG, these people are insane. I agree with Matata, go get the ashes. You are the wife and they are yours, not his parents. These people walk all over others. I am so angry with them.

PB, I am so sorry you have to deal with this.

I just went back and read the previous page.... PB, you are handling this with much more grace than 99% of people would. I am pretty darn proud of you! I don't think I could do it. Just remember there is a fine line between moving on and being done-and having them so walk all over you that that part is hard to move on from. No one can decide that but you and I so respect everything you have done so far. I know that there has been times in my life that I felt that way and later so regretted that I didn't stand up for myself more and just let the offenders get away with all of it. Again, no one can decide that but you. Just some food for thought.

 

[PintoBean]

I feel worthless. I feel like dirt.

I remember my in-laws thought it was so curious that my mother was so critical of me, like I was someone to be ashamed of.

At our wedding, Mike's aunt and sister stood for me because I had a falling out with my man of honor... (he was dropping the ball and let slip that he had been roped into another wedding commitment with friends of his wife and put me on the back burner; I asked him to step down since he couldn't fulfill his duties and he never spoke to me again.)

My in-laws would invite my parents over for holidays because we didn't celebrate much anymore - so it's like oh, poor PB and family.

No family came to support me at my husband's funeral.

I didn't produce any heirs.

So... my in-laws look at me as that - dirt, worthless, dispensable, easy prey to pick off. I have no one here. I have no siblings. My parents don't care. Most of my friends are far far away, or local ones are very busy.

Tonight I get to wallow in my self-pity.

Tomorrow, this dirt is going to be fed compost and water and seeds. Before long, one, then many beautiful things will come out of this dirt. So... SUCK IT, OUT-LAWS (hands waving in parallel, hips thrusting...)

 

[Resonance.Of.Life]

Oh, PB you're not worthless.

Just because you have shitty people surrounding you does not make you worthless.

 

[valeria101]

.
I didn't produce any heirs.

Royal Duties !?

Your ex-laws make no sense. Let 'em breed among themselves, methinks.

 

[luv2sparkle]

Girl, you are far from worthless. Families can sure make you feel that way, and I have plenty of first hand experience with that in my own birth family. That doesn't make them right, and people that treat you like that are by far the kind of people the world doesn't need.

You are kind, and even though they have treated you unkindly and unfairly, you are reluctant to even give them any of it back. You are gracious. They could do well to be just like you. You are entitled to have a pity party now and then but worthless you are not.

 

[MissGotRocks]

Your feelings of self worth should come from within and not from outside sources. You may feel poorly but don't degrade yourself based on their actions. That is neither fair nor realistic.

 

[Gem Queen]

Oh, my God. If you can find me on FB, I will give you my phone number. I don't know if I can out it on here. Look up Last name Dishler-Tilbury. First initial L

Private message me. I'll be waiting

 

[Matata]

PB, have you considered starting over somewhere else -- the other side of the country from where you are, or moving to an adjacent state or even to a different place in your current state? It may not be the right time now, but it sounds as though you have nothing keeping you where you are so maybe sow those seeds elsewhere?

 

[lovedogs]

oh PB this is all such nonsense! I'm so sorry they are horrible--sometimes grief brings out the true crazy in people. I agree with Matata that maybe it is time to consider going elsewhere. Not so much about running from issues, but more about making a way for yourself as a "new" woman. I get that now might not be the right time, but just something to consider. We love you so much!

 

[MollyMalone]

PB, have you considered starting over somewhere else -- the other side of the country from where you are, or moving to an adjacent state or even to a different place in your current state? It may not be the right time now, but it sounds as though you have nothing keeping you where you are so maybe sow those seeds elsewhere?

As the daughter of a trusts & estates lawyer, I'd like to share my father's advice to his bereaved clients: "Don't make any drastic move for at least a year." (Think the few of his clients through the years who ignored this counsel all later regretted they hadn't taken heed.)

PB, it's sooooo understandable that your husband's death would leave you feeling marooned, at sea. And you've been hit with another tremendous whammy: the fact that your contract came to an end a month after his death. I can vividly remember how lousy I felt when I was laid off in early 2008 in the wake of the economic collapse. Rationally, laying me off is what I would have done were I the nonprofit's CEO as I was their most recent hire (and one of their higher salaried employees) & my work augmented, but wasn't crucial to, their central mission. Still, it was a blow to my sense of self-esteem that left me wobbly -- and I wasn't also dealing with the death of a husband.

Plus, my dad (my mother had died 10 years earlier) was a helluva lot more supportive than your parents. Wasn't it your mom who said, maybe 2 years ago, that you shouldn't tell people you were unemployed because "what will they think?" and was generally lobbing criticisms of you? Even if she hasn't said it lately, I imagine that crap from before is ringing in your ears again. And I think it's that kind of s**t that prompted you to say, shortly after Michael's death, that you hoped your in-laws would continue to be part of your life because they were the yang to your parents' yin & that you were going to encourage your FIL to get a AWD vehicle with "his" share of that one account because Michael would have gotten a kick of that.

So although you and your in-laws aren't cut from the same cloth, I'm willing to bet that your in-laws don't consider you worthless -- or else you would have picked up on that a long time ago, would not have considered them a bright contrast to your own parents.

Yeah, I know I could be wrong about them. But here's what I know we here are right about: that you are a lovable, accomplished, smart, endearing woman who's a joy! Even tho' you're not feeling that about yourself right now, how I hope you can Feel the (PS) Love!! (notice that it's the video with the spaceship version

)

 

[freezing_in_MO]

PB, I'm posting here in case you don't check other channels.

I just read your updates . I couldn't find my phone all day. It had slipped into a drawer.

What a bunch of entitled $&#%<. 99% of the people on the planet, myself included, would have reacted far less gracefully than you have.

You have an unsupportive family and horrid in-laws. Despite all of that, you are managing your life very gracefully at a time when lesser people would be shattered. You have had two interviews where you impressed people. You have traveled. You take care of your cats. You look out for others. You are generous and kind despite being raised by a narcissist.

If you think you are worthless, please show me someone worthy. You are educated and capable and witty and stylish. You are not a chicken or 4H cow, and your worth is not determined by heirs.

Don't let a bunch of $&}%<>% drag you down.

 

[missy]

Pinto honey GRRRRRrrrrrrr to your stupid in laws. I echo much of what has been said by others here. You are a smart wonderful generous kind woman who is brave and strong and funny and you will get through this nightmare. Boo to your small minded and ignorant relatives (family and in laws alike). You deserve so much better and I know the future holds happiness and joy for you but I know right now sucks. We are here for you offline, online and with all sorts of lines. We care about you and love you and are thinking of you and sending hugs and good thoughts your way always.

And yeah no big moves right now. I agree completely with MollyMalone. Wait and see how you feel a year from now before undertaking any big moves. Plenty of time for that if you decide it is the right move for you.

(((HUGS))).

 

[valeria101]

I'm done.

That is the right thing to do.

-
This really is the first time I hear of anyone hoarding remains out of spite. That quaint idea of 'ashes to ashes' sounds too right just now - you said it too. If it were easy to do, perhaps those words would have never made it in The book of their faith: 'guess it all comes down to what you do with them words & no more.

Nobody can put your life with your husband in a can.

Could you bring yourself to not call them ?

Wearing an unusual piece of jewelry might serve as a reminder ... e.g. your Alhambra ? Unless it is always on already !

 

[gemgirl]

Holy Crap. I don't think I would ever talk to that sister again.

I just wanted to explain that when I give a recounting of something similar that happened to me, It's not that I'm trying to shift the focus off of the OP, it's just to say "hey, it's true. There are really crappy self-centered people out there, who you *think* you know, but really don't. At least not thru and thru". I'm just trying to say you're not in this boat alone. There are posters who don't know me, but PB is very used to me and my recounting of life events to help people understand that "yeah, this sh-t-y thing happened to me too". No one is one-upping here. I love PB to pieces.


GQ, I was disowned by said-sister 24 yrs. ago when I got engaged and they all realized that they couldn't ask me for things and favors anymore because I had a very important "new" person at the center of my life. She said she always counted on me being the spinster sister who was a doormat. OK now where is that eye rolling emoti? Technically, I'm not sure I could be called the spinster sister since I was with my first husband for eleven years, then I have to remind myself that I got caught in her game not knowing the rules.

 

[autumngems]

PB,
Never let others determine your worth. Each and everyone of us is worthy. Deep down you know your own worth, bring that to the surface and let it shine, like a diamond!

 

[gemgirl]

GQ, I didn't realize that you are who you are from our groups on FB. I'll let PB know who you are. I'll message her right now. Meanwhile you ARE my Gem Queen. This pear girl wants to have a pear halo *just like yours* at some point. You have my goldilocks ring.

You're a hoot and a half!

 

[CJ2008]

Pinto

When I read "I didn't produce any heirs" in that moment I felt a pang of pain in my heart.

You're just a person, without children, so it's easier to discard you. It's like what value did you bring to them without having given them cute little children, now that their son is gone.

I'm sorry Pinto.

You need to KNOW and believe that you're worthy, just as you are. But you also need to protect yourself from people who would do anything to make you feel anything but, even for a moment. Especially now, when you're hurting so much.

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with so much pain and sadness.

((hugs Pinto))

 

[Austina]

I really can't add to anything that has already been said (well I could, but its unprintable!) but in law, aren't you the next of kin? I realise it's difficult for any parent to lose a child, even an adult one, but their grief is no more 'real' or 'profound' than yours, yet they (and the rest of them) are carrying on as though you don't matter. You DO, you were his wife, you shared things with him they didn't and couldn't. The fact that they have proven themselves to be money grabbing scumbags is disgusting and outrageous.

Sometimes in life, the obligation to 'family' is just too much to bear, and we have to make the conscious decision to walk away. Peace of mind and sanity are more important.

 

[valeria101]

their grief

Their grief seems to be about loosing one of their own through marriage to PintoBean ...

Not unfamiliar (pun !)

 

[mochiko42]

Oh PB. Your in laws and mother's actions continue to leave me speechless. The whole ongoing thing with the ashes is soo nuts. And you were married to Michael, that definitely trumps the parents in my book (and in most laws I suspect)! How could people be so (insert adjective that is a another word for a stinkin' pile of dog poop)?? Jesus...

Giving you a big hug, dear.


Start rant /
The thing about not having kids touched a sore point with me since I'm the only one of my siblings not to have kids (by choice for a variety of reasons).. Gosh it makes me so so so mad when people are critical about other people's reproductive/procreation choices or situations. It's never easy!!

You are fabulous and whole and deserving of love and respect and everything because of the individual you are. Screw those who judge your life's worth based on whether your body is a baby carrier or not because of some antiquated social concepts. They're disrespectful idiots. /end rant

 

[december-fire]

Pinto, Sweetie, I recall you saw a therapist.
Please book another appointment, if there isn't already one booked in the near future (i.e., next week).

You haven't had a chance to mourn the loss of your husband.
On top of that shocking and devastating loss, you've had other things come at you from all sides; including, job loss, emotional stress from other players involved in (delaying) the process of getting Michael to his final resting place, and relatives who are dealing with their own grief in ways that negatively impact you, and (as if that wasn't enough) a mother who is narcissistic (and all the joys that come along with that).

Your emotional immune system is weakened, and you are vulnerable to all these outside attacks.
They've infected your self-image and sense of worth.

All of us know you are an amazing, strong, capable, warm and generous person.
The important thing, though, is that you know, from within yourself, that those things are true.
You'll always have us here for you, but I think it would be best if you also have a professional to help guide you through the chaos and stresses that have continued to come at you.

You will, without a doubt, come through this and be stronger, happier, more confident and self-assured.
You'll see clearly that your value is not determined or assigned by others.
Your amazing qualities and strengths are within you, Pinto, even when you don't feel them or believe it.

Sending hugs, positive thoughts and comforting prayers.