I'm a widow

[Puppmom]

Pinto, I'm so sorry that FIL is not getting the hint. We would all like to think we know how we would be behave in a situation such as this but, when it comes down to it, we don't really know. I sincerely hope that your ILs are just so overwhelmed with grief that they're not thinking straight.

Re: the beneficiary. I agree that you should seek professional advice. However, by looking at Michael's retirement plan, you should be able to tell if you're entitled to that benefit. If the Plan he was part was subject to QJSA (Qualified Joint & Survivor Annuity) then you are entitled to 50% of the account even though Michael didn't update his beneficiary to you instead of his parents. If the Plan is NOT subject to QJSA, then you are, by default entitled to 100% of the benefit unless you waived your right in writing. I would not rely on Fidelity (I think that's were you said the money is) to get this right because they're the "experts". If you contact his former employer or Fidelity and ask if the Plan is subject to QJSA, they should be able to answer you quickly. If you have any materials from his plan (like a Summary Plan Description) look under death benefit and you can see if this is an option. In short, QJSA = 50/50 you and his parents and No QJSA = 100% you.

Also, if the Plan is subject to QJSA making you legally entitled to only 50% his parents cannot legally, as far as I know, forfeit that benefit to you via some election to the retirement plan. In order to give it to you, they would have to take the distribution first (and pay applicable taxes). I'm sure an estate planner/attorney could get creative here though.

 

[PintoBean]

The plan is under TIAA and the terms say if spouse is not named beneficiary 50% goes to spouse. The TIAA lady said the beneficiary could renounce it. She could be wrong. Wouldn't be the first time a rep misrepresented lol.

When I posted about the accountant that reminded me NOT to approach that accountant now bc we also used him for taxes.

I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt that they're grieving and can't think straight. They also don't have Pricescopers in their corner lol. Me, I like everything wrapped up quickly.

Bellerina's eye doesn't have a scratch. The vet has provided a similar antibiotic ointment but this one has a steroid in it which can be used bc there is no scratch. Follow up on Friday.

 

[PintoBean]

I wanted to add that I asked the records at the vets office to be changed from Michael's name to mine. The benefit of his accident being widely known is that all I had to say to the vet when I saw her in the exam room was that he passed away a month ago, did you hear about the accident on X road in Y village and she gasped yes and that's it.

 

[luv2sparkle]

PB, you are right to give them the benefit of the doubt, and I sincerely hope their grief is the cause of their lack of insight. I am so mad at them right now, I could spit. Its a good thing none of us here know them personally because there would be some words flying. I'm not sure that is ever a good thing. Good thoughts for them to do the right thing.

 

[PintoBean]

Sadly, we are collectively angry because we've all had experiences where people have "burned" us.

Thank you for being mad for me. I can't be mad when someone else is mad lolol so I end up taking a step back and reexamining with a cooler head.

 

[baby nurse]

I think you're right to give them the benefit of the doubt as well. Follow your gut instincts-- you are doing so well.

 

[BlingDreams]

Oh PB, what in the hell is Michael's father thinking?! I cannot believe the selfishness that I'm reading!!! He's going to keep the money because of a clerical error? And not look out for the wellbeing of the widow that was left? Seriously... wtf??!

I agree with the others... contact an attorney who specializes in these things and make sure you get everything you can. You may not need it NOW, but even if you just tuck that money away for retirement and never touch it it will be available when you DO need it.

Hugs, and sending some "get your head on straight!" vibes to your FIL

 

[lyra]

As a parent of adult children, I can't even imagine thinking of taking that money! I'm glad you're able to have a cool head in this matter. It's making me pretty angry on your behalf. I hope this all works out in the end.

 

[Puppmom]

Pinto, TIAA works mostly with governments and non-profit companies and sometimes those Plan rules are a little different. Certain plans are not subject to ERISA which is the law that says you're 100% beneficiary or the Plan could have that QJSA option I mentioned. I hope you get this resolved without too much more pain and trouble.

 

[PintoBean]

I'm going to see what he says. I don't like vague answers. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt that he's looking out for my best interest by finding the avenue that saves the most in fees, until he says otherwise. I can't yell at him the way I could my parents and be like wtf is wrong with you? This isn't gift money, this is blood money. This money won't bring your son back. It's just money. Your son made an oversight.

And these are people where if we go on vacation as a family they pick the spot and we each pay. And it used to frustrate me bc it would be like a one night stay and $2,000, whereas if my parents invited us they would say save your money we will cover you.

Until he definitively takes that money for himself, I'm going to back off. Thank god I have other shit to distract myself with.

On a brighter note, I got to meet up with @Asscherhalo_lover today. She got to witness me tell the restaurant owner that Mike passed lol. It's par for the course. We were the owner's first party (my law school graduation) shortly after they opened. He kindly comped our check. It was a sweet and generous gesture.

Let me tell you about this girl. She's exactly what you'd expect a PSer to be like - bright, warm, kind, funny, a professional angel (her job - wow!), beautiful bling owner, and just cute as a button! I felt like I've known her a lifetime lololol! We ate and drank sangritas and laughed and laughed. It was wonderful! She is a gift and such a joy! Thank you!

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

The pleasure was all mine PB! I can't wait till we can chill again house party

 

[luv2sparkle]

The pleasure was all mine PB! I can't wait till we can chill again house party

Awww.... that is so sweet! PB, I am so happy you guys got to hang out!

 

[CareBear]

PB, I am sorry that you have to deal with all this BS with Michael's retirement plan! *HUGS* It does not sound definitive that your FIL intends to keep all the money. He is dealing with as much pain and grief as you are and just might not be mentally ready to handle the retirement plan stuff. Unfortunately, this whole estate system in the US is just so complicated. I know you are worried about your finances now that Michael is gone, but judging from your earlier posts, anyone as proactive about personal finances as you will be fine!

Btw, I love that you are still giving such sound advice on other threads while dealing with all of this!

 

[Karl_K]

just checking in. Thoughts and prayers continue.

 

[december-fire]

Pinto, Sweetie, just want you to know I've been quietly following and continue to send comforting thoughts and prayers your way.

You really are an amazing person with a great deal of inner strength. Your strength, intelligence and wicked sense of humour will get through whatever lies ahead. You're going to be just fine and, I firmly believe, you will thrive.

For different reasons than yours, I went through a period of life being turned upside down and experienced the devastating feeling that I was no longer who I had been. Who I was, what I did, was gone. I had no idea how I'd move forward or what the future held. I was devastated. Truly. Its a horrible feeling.

However, I got through it and ... ugh, I hate this touchy-feeling word ... 'recreated' myself. I'll spare you more stomach-churning by not saying I experienced a 'paradigm shift' in my life. God, shades of management fun phrases. Yuck. Sorry. You're probably too young to have suffered through that phrase when management was taught the word 'paradigm shift' and used it as though it was like a cure for cancer and should be spoken in a glorified manner. Rant over.

You'll work again. You'll be fine financially. You'll move forward on a path that might not be visible at the moment, but is there waiting for you.

Turn on some music, and shift, shake and shimmy your paradigm.

Sending you big hugs.

 

[december-fire]

Pinto, after posting the above, I thought 'Pinto is the kind of person who should be dancing.'
Naturally, that lead to my brain hitting continuous play on the Bee Gee's 'You Should Be Dancing'.
I would have been happier with Motown, Country, Classic, or just about anything other than disco.

You've never of heard of this song or 'disco', right? Its as old as you are young.

Your dance instructor, John Travolta, will show you the steps so you can dance along to the music.

Go ahead. No one's watching. Well, maybe Kenny has accessed your laptop camera, but other than him you should be OK. Although, perhaps we should start a thread called 'Show Me Your Dance Moves'.

 

[Matata]

Your dance instructor, John Travolta, will show you the steps so you can dance along to the music.

Thread-jack -- As I'm watching Travolta, I'm thinking "hmmmm that looks familiar" and then I realized that 80% of those dance moves are in the Hip Hop Abs (by Shaun T) workout I did this morning. Thread-jack over and out.

 

[PintoBean]

Haha I actually own BeeGee's greatest hits! Travolta has jello for bones!

MIL tried calling me around 5 and left a voicemail that she was on her way home from work and thinking of me. Hope that's a good sign.

Still see Bellie's third eye and have a follow up tomorrow. Meh!

 

[marcy]

Hi Pinto Bean. Now I hear Bee Gees songs going over in my head. I hope things work out well with your in-laws. I believe they are struggling to adapt to their new normal too. I hope Bellie's eye gets better.

Marcy

 

[Calliecake]

Sending good dust for Bellie's eye Pinto.

Now I can't Bee Gee's Music out if my head.

 

[PintoBean]

I was busier than usual today. It was a good distraction. I am anxious about work. Am I too old, too fat, too out of touch to get another job?

What if I become a landlord? Yes I'll be barely breaking even for a bit... is that good enough?

I like writing. I've always wanted to write a book, but I'm such a rule following freak that I'd have to do it in a formulaic way or feel sick. Can I cut myself some slack and just start typing up stuff and see what I have and maybe I have enough material to make something publishable?

Can I sell afghans here and there?

IDK... I'm scared of rejection, of not being good enough. I swallowed my pride and reached out to someone I worked with at Mike's company and told him I'd be willing to edit docs preferably for cash or gift cards, especially if we are talking about a couple hours of work here and there.

I also reached out by email to a couple guys I worked with - a client and a former colleague.

 

[missy]

Pintobean, of course you feel uncertain and stressed right now. But I know with complete certainly you will be OK. More than OK. You will make it through this dark period and come out stronger and happy again. I promise. It is a challenging time and my heart goes out to you. Though we have not yet met IRL I feel like I know you and I care about you more than words can truly express. I am so glad you are reaching out to people/coworkers and colleagues etc and putting yourself out there.

That's the way to do it. One day at a time. Don't look to far ahead because it can seem overwhelming. Do it as you've been doing it. Break it up in little pieces making it manageable. With time you will get to where you want to be but you just cannot rush it. And believe me I am not a patient or calm person so I can understand some of how you are feeling. I know grief cannot be rushed or broken down into little pieces. Feel what you feel when you feel it and at times you will have these huge waves of grief. During those times let it just be and don't try to do anything else. This is a trauma that you cannot rush through but mark my words you will get through it and be OK. Michael would want you to go on and live and enjoy your life and you will always miss him and grieve his loss but with time you will be happy again even with missing and loving him always. Big big ((((HUGS)))).

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

PB become a landlord! You'll have one long term renter right here!

 

[autumngems]

Pinto,
While I do not know you like others so - as I don't get on here as much as I used to. If I weren't in NC I would offer some respite from your worries and concerns. I wish I could offer you morning coffee, lunch and a matinee with a good chic-flick and some bling talk with wine it sounds as if you need a "you" day.

 

[PintoBean]

Grrr... heard from a client that some douchebag I used to work with, V, told him my husband passed bc the client and end user both loved me so he was trying to curry sympathy. V is awful. V liked throwing me and everyone else under the table. V would go on and on about how everyone hated me, especially 2 particular developers. They hate me so much we are FB friends and gmail chat friends and one of the 2 wrote me a beautiful LinkedIn recommendation. They actually dislike his tactics and how he always puts them in the position to overdeliver in tight timelines. I'd listen to V talk about how pathetic our boss was, how he's better than everyone and would leave the company soon. 3 years later he's still there.

 

[december-fire]

Pinto, I ran off to get you quotes about fear of rejection and come back to see you talk about some guy V. There's a rule that every so often a 'V' must appear in your life. Just like a mosquito in the house. Everyone can see that the mosquito is a mosquito not a butterfly. The mosquito is annoying, buzzes around without seeming to contribute anything of value, and is irritating and distracting. In your head, shoo him away and don't let him waste your time. He's not fooling anyone.

Now, onto the important stuff.

You've experienced a shock and tragic loss. You haven't had time to get back on solid ground, and you find yourself dealing with so many other things, including beneficiary stuff and looking for employment. Anyone hit with so many things at once will likely feel shaky, vulnerable and anxious.

Despite your fear of rejection, you put yourself out there and called people about potential employment. Good for you!

You've had jobs in the past and you'll find another job. I wish that's all I had to say to make you feel confident. However, I know it can be a struggle to shake concerns.

It might help to read your earlier post and think about how you'd response if someone said those things to you; the concerns about being too old, fat or out of touch to get hired. I know you'd tell them those fears were irrational, and you'd point out all their great skills and talents, help them shine up their resume and make a plan of attack.

It wouldn't hurt to casually mention to your FIL/MIL that you need to find a job, are concerned about finances, and would appreciate them letting you know if they're aware of anyone looking to hire. Let everyone know you're looking for work but, given the special circumstances with your FIL, let them know, too.

Onto the quotes. I hope something might click to let you shake it off and approach the job hunt with well-deserved confidence. After all, you're an intelligent person who has demonstrated a professional approach and produced quality work. Be the applicant that you'd hire if you were on the other side of the desk.

I'm tempted to include a link to Taylor Swift's 'Shake it Off'. Yeah, why not! Music can pump up the confidence and spirit!

https://www.vevo.com/watch/taylor-swift/shake-it-off/USCJY1431460






And this is PS, afterall, so ...

 

[PintoBean]

Thank you everyone!

Ok I know I'm not rational right now, so I need some opinions. Cobra for medical is $680. I've already had one dental cleaning this year but if I opted for every 6 months it's $115. Therapist is $125 per session and I go weekly. Copay with insurance is $20.

Should I pay for cobra?

 

[tyty333]

$680 per month?

 

[Elizabeth35]

I would vote for getting the COBRA (at least temporarily) so you have coverage and a little time to research other options and decide on your future employment plans.
Yes--it is expensive but self-insuring is pretty risky, even for a healthy younger person.
What if you tripped and broke your ankle and it required surgery?

It's certainly a financial factor in deciding to be an employee vs. a contractor/self-employed.

If returning to school (even part-time) is something that interests you, you may be able to purchase health insurance as a student. I know my son got it via his state university for about $2K per year. I thought it was available for anyone taking 6 or more hours.

 

[PintoBean]

$680 per month?

Yes