I'm a widow

[valeria101]

Idiocy ...

You do need a secretary.

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

Ermagherd...

Got an email about SiriusXM and had an oh shit moment - gotta cancel the account for Mike's car!

I call and when I'm asked the reason for cancelling I say, "my husband was in a fatal car accident."

To which the rep replies, "is he ok?"
To which I reply, "no, he was in a fatal car accident."

So sorry this happened to you.
I know how that feels, we had quite a few similar conversations after my dad passed... on better days one can take it with some sense of humour like an absurdist drama...
on the not so great days it just hits you right over the head.
Keeping you in my thoughts

 

[PintoBean]

So I just explained to my FIL that I was NOT a named beneficiary for the other retirement plan and that he and his wife are, but 50% defaults to me as a spouse. I asked what he intends on doing - forfeiting his share to me, roll it over or cash it out. He thought I was a named beneficiary I said no.he said he was going to look over the paperwork and speak to fidelity in addition to the claim rep for the plan. He doesn't want to get hit with extra taxes. That's it.

I'm so over this. POS husband can't get shit straight without me riding his ass and here I am getting screwed bc he updated 50% of his shit. The last 6 months I really wondered what i would do if he stopped being a functioning alcoholic and if I had to deal with a future of liver cancer. I resented him passing out at 730pm every night leaving me to "close up shop" for the night. So I go from 4 years of a good relationship to 6 months of shit when I realize he's an alcoholic that's in denial and even better his death has to be a flipping freak accident, so that doesn't allow me to process it like oh A+B=C. I was ready for him to die from alcoholism not from driving in torrential rain.

On Friday when I was frustrated my neighbor wouldn't let me leave when I started crying and insisted on holding me. He said I always run away. I talked to my shrink about it. I've never really cried in front of my parents. I'd walk to my room and close the door. And the shrink said I run away when I'm upset bc I'm used to no one consoling me. It's true.

 

[Cluless]

Pinto, I'm so sorry to hear this, I use to do the same thing. Still do the same thing can't cry in front of anyone xo

 

[missy]

Aww PintoBean that sucks and I am so sorry. Hopefully your in laws will come to their senses.
And it is OK to lose faith in much of humanity but remember you have so many people who love and care about you and that will more than make up for the ones that suck. Remember we love our PintoBean-the kindest sweetest funniest smartest and most loving human bean we know. (((HUGS))).

 

[luv2sparkle]

Oh Pinto, I am so sorry about your in-laws. WTH, I am hoping they come to their senses and see this as a oversight by Michael and not his 'gift' to them. How there could be any other outcome is beyond me.
Life is filled with slow witted people and you seem to run into them at this point between strangers and family. I am sorry there are no sleepover buddies available. I hope your fur babies come to the rescue. Hugs.

 

[marcy]

Pinto Bean, this does suck so much; I am so sorry. I am very much like you not crying in front of people. I found that doesn't help me either but I certainly understand.

I wish I could tell you the stupid or insensitive comments and questions will go away; but from my experience I'd say they won't. You will have those WTH moments when you can't believe what someone just said to you. I ran in to all sorts of unreal things when I was settling my parent's estate.

Thinking of you.
Marcy

 

[lovedogs]

ugh Pinto I'm so sorry about all of this stupid nonsense. You are dealing with so many things at once. I cannot freaking believe your in-laws! UGH! And the parents--I get that. My parents are...not ideal for a variety of reasons, so I get it. I am so sorry.

 

[Calliecake]

Pinto, I hope you are feeling better today and today is a more peaceful day for you. Hugs, hugs hugs.

 

[Puppmom]

Pinto, I hope today brings some relief.

 

[cmd2014]

Pinto,

Are you able to tell your FIL that you could really use the money and that it was clearly just an oversight that Michael didn't get the paperwork done?

My concern is that if you are too noncommittal (as in "what do you want to do" vs "this is what I'd like to see happen") they might mistakenly think that this is what you want and see this as a gift from their son. They're grieving too so they might not be thinking clearly themselves. Or maybe talk to SIL if talking to your FIL feels like too much. Maybe she can broach it as the right thing to do.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. And I'm sorry that things with Michael didn't get a chance to turn around.

 

[tyty333]

"My concern is that if you are too noncommittal (as in "what do you want to do" vs "this is what I'd like to see happen") they might mistakenly think that this is what you want and see this as a gift from their son. They're grieving too so they might not be thinking clearly themselves. Or maybe talk to SIL if talking to your FIL feels like too much. Maybe she can broach it as the right thing to do"

From cmd2014 above...I agree, they may feel like this is a gift from their son and he wanted it this way. Unless you tell them that the money was
intended for you...they may not realize Michael's wishes.

And even if they choose to go by the paperwork...please dont be too hard on them. Like cmd2014 said, they are grieving too.

We refinanced our house about 12 years ago. The title got changed from "Mr. tyty333 OR Mrs. tyty333" to "Mr. tyty333 AND Mrs. tyty333". My
DH is pretty sure with the "AND" that we will have to go through probate if one of us passes away which we want to avoid. We have known this
for over 11 years and still have not gotten it fixed. We all just expect life to go on as usual...we just cant conceive that a major accident may happen
and the survivor will be left to deal with the mess. I'm sorry you are having to deal with it now PB.

 

[elle_71125]

I'm sorry to hear that you to were having a hard time in the last months of your marriage. It's not easy to put that out there. Kudos to you. Over drinking is a serious problem and it seems to me that the people with that problem very rarely admit to it. It's always the loved ones that feel it the most (spouse & children especially).

I'm sorry you're feeling so frustrated today.

 

[MissGotRocks]

I would definitely tell FIL that the money was meant to be yours and that DH didn't realize his time would be cut short like it was. He might not give it to you anyway but at least you can walk away knowing that you let your thoughts be known on the matter. You don't want to feel five years down the road like you should have spoken up. I don't know what his financial situation is either; maybe he needs money too? - but he could not have ever envisioned this situation happening so surely he didn't count on getting this money.

Anger is a part of the grief process - I think everyone gets angry at some point in the process whether it is at events or the person that died. Again, I give you credit for voicing it as it is really the only way to ever get past it. I sincerely hope that today was better than yesterday for you and that you saw some ray of light or humor in the day.

 

[PintoBean]

I'm so nauseas right now. FIL called and rambled on about how he spoke to another rep at the retirement plan company and also to the accountant. In a nutshell, can't renounce to the spouse that wasn't listed. He talked about cashing out and paying the taxes lump sum as opposed to reinvesting and also getting hit with taxes, but then potentially having to pay out of pocket. Nowhere in the conversation did he say anything about the money going towards me. He asked if things are going ok and I mentioned being out of work by the 30th and Bellerina having an eye problem. He said he'd call tomorrow to hear how the vet visit went. I reckon it will be another hard night.

 

[Calliecake]

Pinto Bean, I'm so sorry. Does your SIL know about this or has she spoke to Michael's parents about it?

 

[PintoBean]

Pinto Bean, I'm so sorry. Does your SIL know about this or has she spoke to Michael's parents about it?

I mentioned my concerns last week. She's what my girl friend calls needy and a hot mess. She's easily overwhelmed and is probably drowning in her own sorrows. She's quit her second job already bc she's overwhelmed. In laws tell everything to their kids except when it comes to money.

 

[Calliecake]

Pinto Bean, I have no words. I was hoping maybe she could talk to her parents on your behalf. People do strange things when they are grieving. I'm hoping your in laws will wake up and realize this is not what their son would want. I'm so sorry they are putting you thru this.

 

[cmd2014]

Pinto,

I'm so sorry. I know this is going to take strength you don't have right now, but the next time he asks if you are ok, say no. Say I really need the retirement money that Michael was supposed to have listed me as a beneficiary for. I can't believe he forgot to do that. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it without the money I had planned on getting. I hope that you can work out some way to make that happen for me, and I'm sorry that this has left a bit of a mess for you to sort out. I thought Michael had done it, as had you. Oblique references are going to be too subtle hon, because he's clearly not thinking this through apart from how it affects him. Grief muddles everyone's minds. And if he straight out says no, at least you will know and can move on knowing what the deal is rather than having to wonder and worry.

I hope Bellerinas eye is ok. I hope you can be ok too. I know it's going to take time. It's ok to be angry. It's hard and unfair to have to clean up other people's messes when they're gone, no matter how good and loved they were in life. Harder still when they've messed up big time and can never make it right.

 

[missy]

Pinto I am so sorry. Ugh this is so frustrating on top of what you are dealing with now you have this issue. I agree with the others who said just tell his parents you need the money. That Michael meant for you to have the money and that he just never got around to it. Tell them to do the right thing. Don't stand on ceremony OK. Just tell them straight out.

I am so sorry about Bellerina's eye! Oh no! Sending buckets and buckets of healing dust her way. And sending you the biggest hugs and lots of love.

You are going to be OK. You will get through this. It just sucks so much right now. One day at a time. ((((HUGS)))).

 

[azstonie]

Moving about safely in this world requires money.

Everyone needs money. You do, his parents do.

It's time for you to take over.

You're going to have to get dressed and go over there and be direct and unflinching about this. Don't call first. State your business the minute you're seated and don't worry, *they know why*. Be dignified and be direct. Make them tell you they are keeping the money.

Get up and go, don't stay and listen to their self-serving weasling.

Then go see in consult an attorney who deals in this sort of problem, which has happened, btw, to two of my co-workers. If you have any options you can go from there.

 

[azstonie]

And if your in-laws have a key or access to anything you own, handle it now.

If your late husband has outstanding debt or bills for ANYTHING come to you, forward it to them for payment, give their name, address and phone number to creditors.

 

[MissGotRocks]

I agree. I would be very straightforward with him regarding the money. He may not be able to renounce but he can take the money, pay whatever taxes he would owe out of it, and give you the balance. Had your husband lived his full life, Dad would have been long gone and this money would have never even been a thought to him. He might make assumptions about your financial status based on what it was a month ago but things have drastically changed and he should be made aware of this. Again, if he chooses to keep it, I'm not sure there is anything you can do but at least you will have stood up for yourself and tried to claim what was rightfully yours. I know it is probably very uncomfortable and not something you would relish doing but you have to advocate for yourself in this situation.

 

[CJ2008]

Pinto, I haven't been around much in the last few weeks but reading quickly through the last page of your thread, I see you're having to struggle with money that should be yours but wasn't outlined as yours I hope your in-laws concede the minute you tell them so you can get this issue off your back. Sorry you're having to deal with this on top of everything else. ((((Hugs))))

 

[mochiko42]

Hi Pinto,

Sorry I don't have anything helpful to say but just to let you know I have been following this thread and thinking of you. I have been going through some bumps in my relationship with my husband due to his drinking (we've been married 3 years, mid to late 30s), but it's nothing insurmountable in the grand scheme of things when I think about it. My heart aches when I read about you and your Michael. It is so sad that you didn't get the chance to go the distance and to grow old together.

Soo..yeah..I don't have anything actually useful to add. BUT.. here is a big ole tub of Ben & Jerry's for your viewing pleasure! Wish I could send you some in real life but it would melt before it got from Asia to the US, lol. BIG HUG!!

 

[marcy]

Pinto Bean, I really hate to hear your FIL intends to keep the money. I agree with what others have said; go over there and flat out tell them you need the money and that their son fully intended for that money to go to you; his wife. If they still decide to keep it, you did at least let them know you feel they are taking your money. I think seeking legal council is a good idea too. I hope your kitty's eyes gets better.

Big hugs.
Marcy

 

[TooPatient]

Ermagherd...

Got an email about SiriusXM and had an oh shit moment - gotta cancel the account for Mike's car!

I call and when I'm asked the reason for cancelling I say, "my husband was in a fatal car accident."

To which the rep replies, "is he ok?"
To which I reply, "no, he was in a fatal car accident."

That would almost be funny if it wasn't so horrible. How can anyone be so ignorant and insensitive?

 

[TooPatient]

Pinto -- talk to an attorney. Preferably an estate attorney. In most states, the spouse gets 100% of retirement unless they sign a waiver. He could not have any beneficiary other than you without you specifically saying so. Hopefully that is true in your state.

 

[gemgirl]

PB, I can't believe what I'm reading. I can't imagine why M would leave half of his retirement fund to his parents. The normal course of life events is that parents predecease their children, so I can't figure out why M would do this to you.

The one thing I can tell you for absolutely sure is this. Having been through many MANY years of torture at the hands of my own birth family when it came to ownership of property, when it came to things, when it came to real estate (mine), when it comes to money - people change who they are and they don't revert back to what was normal for them before the bruhaha. I would consult an attorney whose specialty is wills, trusts, etc. (if you don't know the answer yourself), and if the conditions of M's retirement wishes can't be changed or rerouted to you? I would sincerely drop the issue and also walk away from M's family (flipping them a mental bird and wishing them secretly laughing to have a nice life).
I found out the hard way that I didn't matter one iota to my mother (or my sister). I was just a meal ticket for her and she gave birth to me. Just walk away Pinto. It will sting for a while. Years probably. Then one day it will stop. Then you won't be bothered by it anymore.

 

[tyty333]

PB...lots of good advice. I second (or third) that you need to take all your paperwork and go see an attorney
that specializes in estates. Dont take what your FIL tells you...get it from a lawyer so at least you know where you stand legally and whether anything can be done. I'm so sorry. I wish this was easier.