- Joined
- Aug 14, 2009
- Messages
- 27,272
I kinda feel like my life is going into a really big blender, and I have no idea how it's gonna come out - other than very differently from how it went in.
Well - I know what I want. What I *think* I want, anyway. I want to go back to school for a masters in physics - I've either taken or audited about half the courses I'd need as an undergrad or post-graduation. Two problems with that - funding, and that it would be of no use to my chosen career aside from parking those two letters MS after my name - which brings me back to the fact that if I continue doing what I'm doing (which I actually enjoy so it's not like it's a hardship) no company will pay for grad school in a marginally related field..
I'll be seriously starting my own search for a local position when I get home again next week: I took my current job knowing there would be travel, few benefits, strange hours and turnarounds, that I couldn't talk about my projects or put them on my resume. In return I'm generously compensated. But - all the travel is just exhausting, I hate the insecurity of not knowing for sure that I'll have projects through the end of the year, I'm sick of getting zonked on 1099s at tax time, and - we want to start trying for kids in a year, year and a half, and, well, the work is such that pregnancy would be an unwelcome intrusion, and I also know I'll have had to have worked in a new place for a year or so to take advantage of things that we could really use then - job security, not-painfully-pricey health insurance (goodness, I don't want to think about getting health insurance off the market when pregnant, it's already so expensive!)... I'm so scared of the job hunt. I've never really done it before - things just kinda fell into my lap and everything just kinda worked out, but this time I'll actually have to - do - it, all on my own. Whatever it is, exactly.
DH wants to take a couple of months off after he finishes his thesis. Fine - he's been in school for two decades straight, I can understand needing a break! But - it's just horrible timing, really - he'd finish in July/Aug, and be ready to start work Nov/Dec, and his field is really specialised so he'd either have to commit to moving to wherever the jobs are or entering a new field.. well, assuming he doesn't go back to wanting to be a professor and looking to pursue the postdoc he was offered like last week. He's all over the place. I understand. But I'm frustrated. I really don't want to move for a couple of years once I've settled into a new job, and he knows that, and he'll make whatever adjustments to his own wants to make sure I get what I want, and I'll feel horribly guilty about it. I know that, too, and so does he, so he'll make sure to hide from me that he's sacrificing - and then I'll just feel guilty anyway! And I'm frustrated by that!
We both went to interviews on base some weeks back. I was told that even if DH was offered a position and I wasn't, "it's pretty normal for couples to move down here and only one partner has a job coming in, but usually his wife finds something she likes in a few months". I'm sorry, what?
I also learnt that I would not, in fact, be happy living in the middle of nowhere like I thought I would - I'd always looked forward to getting out of the city, but goodness, reality did not meet fantasy and I couldn't wait to get back, after just a couple of days!
This whole thing is just... exhausting. I wish I could talk to friends but - the few I'd go to all have big changes of their own right now, for better and worse, and I feel bad unloading on them when there's nothing actually *wrong* besides me feeling like an inadequate wuss. And DH is having some health issues along with the broken foot. I just want to be back home, now
Well - I know what I want. What I *think* I want, anyway. I want to go back to school for a masters in physics - I've either taken or audited about half the courses I'd need as an undergrad or post-graduation. Two problems with that - funding, and that it would be of no use to my chosen career aside from parking those two letters MS after my name - which brings me back to the fact that if I continue doing what I'm doing (which I actually enjoy so it's not like it's a hardship) no company will pay for grad school in a marginally related field..
I'll be seriously starting my own search for a local position when I get home again next week: I took my current job knowing there would be travel, few benefits, strange hours and turnarounds, that I couldn't talk about my projects or put them on my resume. In return I'm generously compensated. But - all the travel is just exhausting, I hate the insecurity of not knowing for sure that I'll have projects through the end of the year, I'm sick of getting zonked on 1099s at tax time, and - we want to start trying for kids in a year, year and a half, and, well, the work is such that pregnancy would be an unwelcome intrusion, and I also know I'll have had to have worked in a new place for a year or so to take advantage of things that we could really use then - job security, not-painfully-pricey health insurance (goodness, I don't want to think about getting health insurance off the market when pregnant, it's already so expensive!)... I'm so scared of the job hunt. I've never really done it before - things just kinda fell into my lap and everything just kinda worked out, but this time I'll actually have to - do - it, all on my own. Whatever it is, exactly.
DH wants to take a couple of months off after he finishes his thesis. Fine - he's been in school for two decades straight, I can understand needing a break! But - it's just horrible timing, really - he'd finish in July/Aug, and be ready to start work Nov/Dec, and his field is really specialised so he'd either have to commit to moving to wherever the jobs are or entering a new field.. well, assuming he doesn't go back to wanting to be a professor and looking to pursue the postdoc he was offered like last week. He's all over the place. I understand. But I'm frustrated. I really don't want to move for a couple of years once I've settled into a new job, and he knows that, and he'll make whatever adjustments to his own wants to make sure I get what I want, and I'll feel horribly guilty about it. I know that, too, and so does he, so he'll make sure to hide from me that he's sacrificing - and then I'll just feel guilty anyway! And I'm frustrated by that!
We both went to interviews on base some weeks back. I was told that even if DH was offered a position and I wasn't, "it's pretty normal for couples to move down here and only one partner has a job coming in, but usually his wife finds something she likes in a few months". I'm sorry, what?
I also learnt that I would not, in fact, be happy living in the middle of nowhere like I thought I would - I'd always looked forward to getting out of the city, but goodness, reality did not meet fantasy and I couldn't wait to get back, after just a couple of days!This whole thing is just... exhausting. I wish I could talk to friends but - the few I'd go to all have big changes of their own right now, for better and worse, and I feel bad unloading on them when there's nothing actually *wrong* besides me feeling like an inadequate wuss. And DH is having some health issues along with the broken foot. I just want to be back home, now
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