I hate my ring

[Carey]

MT, I''m sending you one big long *hug*.

As the others have mentioned, this is SO not about the ring (which, if my husband had given it to me, it would be sitting in the bank, as is yours). And having been married for 32 years, I can tell you, only love (on both parts) will get you through this. There are some ways that I am materialistic (in that I want to own my own home, drive a car that does not have engine lights on and bald tires, I like to keep the plumbing functioning, and I love both shoes and jewelry. My husband does not have a materialistic bone in his body. He doesn''t care about a home or a car, and lets things explode before he does anything about them. After 25 years he finally understood how much I wanted a diamond, now that our kids were grown. As I said we''ve been married 32 years now, and though I have a lovely anniversary band... still no diamond. We talk about it a lot. We''ve been to Europe and travelled across the country (these are things we BOTH could enjoy). So the ring... I''ve mostly given up wanting... and that''s OK, because he doesn''t mind if I don''t have a ''real'' job, and he pays for my art studio without complaint and is incredibly supportive.

Long winded - I think generosity of spirit on BOTH sides will get you through this. Tell him it''s very hurtful when he brings up the big expensive wedding - not fair and sounds kind of whiney - you did not choose this. Tell him how much you love him. How important he is to you. How you want to make him happy, and you KNOW he wants to make you happy. Get to a good place with him. Then, then bring up the ring. For an anniversary, or other important event. Maybe start with a smaller-than-2-ct to start, at a place with an upgrade policy. Emphasize that this is your dream ring. And you know your relationship is the most important thing, but you would be SO HAPPY wearing it. And then continue kindness, generosity, and humor. He must have a lot of good points or you never would have wanted to marry him, right? Good luck, sweetie. Let us know how it goes....

 

[yssie]

Date: 12/9/2009 7:17:14 AM
Author: arjunajane

Date: 12/8/2009 10:46:26 PM
Author: decodelighted


I'm asking for the OP's thoughts ... not starting a poll. As many others have suggested ... this isn't about a ring really. The ring has become a symbol for everything that is wrong with the relationship (which seems, in her mind, to be him not meeting her halfway -- and holding the cost of the wedding over her head, and possibly 'punishing' her buy letting his mother pick out an ugly ring --- will the full knowledge of how important it was to her and how hard she worked planning a type of wedding she didn't even want).


I'm asking HER if its not really the RING she hates -- but HIM. And its a serious question. Its a lot easier to distract ourselves with items when the real feelings are about people.

ditto 100% what deco said. I wouldn't use the word 'hate' necessarily - but absolutely the ring would be the least of my concerns here, sorry muffin.

It sounds like your husband is controlling and rather selfish, perhaps also not very receptive of Your feelings or priorities in the relationship.
I know this is one example only you have given us - but I don't get the feeling this is a one-off scenario, and I agree haranguing you about 'owing' him for the wedding when it was his insistence to have such an occasion in the first, seems very unfair.

People can flame me if they like for making 'stereotypical' statements, but none of this behaviour really surprises me from a traditional Indian man. That is all too often just how marriages are run in his country.
No, I haven't dated an Indian man - but yes, I have done a reasonable amount of research into the cultural and communication issues between Indians and westerners, particularly with regards to women and relationships, and this situation sounds all too familiar.


muffin, if it's too personal I understand, but have you and your husband sought counseling to address these relationship issues? There is much more than a ring at play here - (otherwise I would second the other gals and just say buy your own in any design you wish..).
In my opinion a marriage across cultures like this has even higher demands for large compromises, a strong commitment, and alot of patience and understanding - even more so than what is necessary to keep a 'same culture' (for lack of better term) marriage ticking smoothly.
I do feel badly for you that you seem quite sad this soon into your marriage.
I hope nothing I have said serves to aggravate your emotions, just some food for thought I guess..

I find this statement inappropriate and insulting. I will not argue that it wasn't more true across the board sixty years ago, but then, in that era, it was also true right here in America, in Europe, in...

I'm Indian, my family is Indian, and I can assure you that only one of my relatives is controlling and emotionally manipulative, and that particular specimen is loathed for it by everyone else in my family. Perhaps I come from a more progressive family, or perhaps you can't in fact stereotype the present of an entire culture based on historic weaknesses. Bad people exist in every ethnicity, more's the pity. My very American FI and I are finding that there are cultural differences, but they're exciting to explore, and we adapt them to our wants and needs - we compromise, and we do it without fighting dirty, something that seems not to happen in Muffin's relationship

.

Muffin, I do agree that counselling is a great idea. Would your husband be receptive to this?

 

[tlh]

I told my husband exactly what I wanted, and then I changed my mind, and changed it again! So I''m in the I dont even know what I want camp. I think if you and your husband work through your issues and you decide to make your own ring based on your specifications, you may find the colored stones section very helpful.

**HUGS**

 

[LD]

Awwww Muffin - mixed cultural marriages need a lot of work. I am married to a Turkish Muslim and I''m an English Christian. Having said that, neither of us are religious or insist of traditions which means that 99.9% of the time we happily get on with life. The .1% is when his family are involved (bless them)!

Quite clearly you''re feeling ignored and being forced to accept something you see as second best when you''ve tried to conform and give him and his family what they want (i.e. a traditional wedding).

I know it''s tough but you''re sounding so unhappy that you need to speak up. You MUST sit down and talk to him calmly. This isn''t about the ring as you''ve said - that''s just a symbol of you being ignored. If he''s not willing to listen to you (and marriage is a partnership not a take-over) then you have to make a decision going forward.

Sending you (((((hugs)))))

ps. If you get everything else sorted out you could always melt down the original ring and have something YOU want made! That way you could tell him that it''s the original ring just remodelled!

 

[Circe]

Date: 12/9/2009 4:29:09 PM
Author: yssie

Date: 12/9/2009 7:17:14 AM

Author: arjunajane

People can flame me if they like for making ''stereotypical'' statements, but none of this behaviour really surprises me from a traditional Indian man. That is all too often just how marriages are run in his country.

No, I haven''t dated an Indian man - but yes, I have done a reasonable amount of research into the cultural and communication issues between Indians and westerners, particularly with regards to women and relationships, and this situation sounds all too familiar.

I find this statement inappropriate and insulting. I will not argue that it wasn''t more true across the board sixty years ago, but then, in that era, it was also true right here in America, in Europe, in...


I''m Indian, my family is Indian, and I can assure you that only one of my relatives is controlling and emotionally manipulative, and that particular specimen is loathed for it by everyone else in my family. Perhaps I come from a more progressive family, or perhaps you can''t in fact stereotype the present of an entire culture based on historic weaknesses. Bad people exist in every ethnicity, more''s the pity. My very American FI and I are finding that there are cultural differences, but they''re exciting to explore, and we adapt them to our wants and needs - we compromise, and we do it without fighting dirty, something that seems not to happen in Muffin''s relationship

.


Muffin, I do agree that counselling is a great idea. Would your husband be receptive to this?

Yeouch. Arjujane, usually I love your posts, but it''s not "flaming" you to point out that that''s a gross generalization and a textbook example of bigotry.

The suggestion that Yssie and co. are making of going to counseling looks like a damned good idea from where I''m standing - Mufiin_top, think your husband might go for that? Your post has stayed on my mind, and the thing I keep coming back to is his saying that you "owe" him for the wedding. "Owe" him what? A) After you''re married it''s all your collective money anyway! And B) it sounds like the wedding was conducted according to his preferences and for the benefit of his family. The desire to put family first/have a specific kind of wedding in the first place can be chalked up to cultural pressure, but to keep throwing it in your face makes me wonder what''s going on there ... and I think it''d be infinitely more valuable to talk about it with a trained professional than to brush over it and hope whatever its signifying will go away on its own. Not too dissimilar from the ring, actually ....

 

[sunseeker101]

I second the professional help approach -- it sounds to me that he thinks he did you a favor by marrying you (and a disfavor to himself). The ring issue would have me concerned about hidden attitudes and mindsets that may be present, and culturally undiagnosable. Maybe by marrying a Western woman he broke his parents' expectation (this might be particularly strong if theirs is an arranged marriage, I think) and has been struggling to curry favor inside the family again by visibly leaving your wishes out of the equation? The fact that he can't confront your feelings about it all honestly and uses emotional manipulation to silence you (I paid for *your* wedding

) might signal a potential for (possibly inadvertent) long-term emotional neglect for you. The best of luck and I hope you come back to give us your thoughts.

 

[oddoneout]

Date: 12/9/2009 1:36:33 PM
Author: rainydaze
i am not a fan of your DH''s ''you still owe me for the wedding'' approach, however that very statement may help you get your point across to him. the next time he says that, you could respond with something to this effect:


''as i recall we reached a compromise for our wedding. i gave up an american wedding in favor of a traditional indian wedding. what i asked for in return was an engagement ring - and i was very clear as to the kind of ring that suited my taste. i am sad that i received a ring that is in no way a reflection of my taste and it leaves me feeling xx (disregarded? disappointed?). the way i see it, you still owe me for the wedding - i fulfilled my end and planned a beautiful traditional indian (hindu?) wedding that was important to you and your family, but have yet to receive the ring i had my heart set on and that we discussed many times.''


i hope you and your DH find a way to work this out, and that is a stepping stone to better relations between the two of you!

I totally agree.

 

[kenny]

Many people don't realize how difficult it can be to have a partner from a different culture.
We have this romantic notion that love conquers all, or something.

My ex was Indian.
We were together for 13 years.
The parents would come from Mumbai and live with us for 3 months at a time. ARG!
I can't believe how much I disappeared into nothing during those years.

I'm not criticizing Indians or their culture.
It's just so hard to mix families of different cultures.
Our culture makes us who we are and sets a zillion of our expectations.
We take soooo many things for granted, as do people in other cultures who take the opposite for granted.
That's fine in each culture, until they marry and all hell breaks loose.
Stuff that seems like common sense to me may seem like lunacy to someone from a different culture.

There may be no change on this ring thing or on how much his family runs thing.

 

[arjunajane]

yssie and circe - I said none of this behaviour surprises me from a *Traditional* Indian man.
I DID Not say "all Indian men are like this".

Yssie - you said it yourself - you are in a mixed culture r'ship where you both are actively compromising, and you are *progressive* Not traditional. where as muffin's doesn't appear to be that way.
However, I don't see how it is comparable as your Fi is American and you are Indian.?

And, if I read correctly (and my whole post was quoted, not just one line) it was actually me who suggested counselling initially.

 

[purrfectpear]

It''s a huge difference between people from another country who came here as children/teens, or were raised by parents who have been in America for a good length of time - and an adult who has been here less than 4 years, where their entire upbringing was in the culture of another country.

You didn''t mention how long you knew your hubby before you married, but I can certainly sense your deep resentments against his traditions/cultures vs. what you are traditionally comfortable with.

The fact is you didn''t marry an American man. If you love this man, then you need to accept him as he is, with his values and cultural notions. Neither of you will be very happy if you continue to wish he was like the guys you grew up with, and he continues to wish you were more like the women he grew up with.

Counseling would be great but if he won''t go, then you need to accept him or move on. It''s not fair to hold internal grudges and resentments over something that is inherent in who the other person is IMO.

I suspect this post is the mere tip of the iceberg and that there is a LOT more going on in this relationship that caused some hurtful things being said

 

[yssie]

.

 

[risingsun]

Date: 12/9/2009 3:19:33 PM
Author: Ara Ann
Ladies, I think you are missing what Muffin top said...she said she DID spell out what she wanted in a ring. She even gave him contact info to jewelers, etc.

This is a case of her husband disregarding what she asked for, even after she compromised in many areas for his sake, regarding the wedding.

Sure she could go out and buy herself a ring, but she and many women want her ''wedding/engagement'' ring to be a special gift from her husband, one that symbolizes his love and commitment to her. I totally understand her disappointment, especially if she specifically told him how important it was to her and he blew it off. This isn''t just a case of a clueless groom, IMO. He considered her wishes trivial and had his mother choose a ring for her, then didn''t care that his new bride was obviously disappointed in his lack of effort in trying to meet her expectations. Had he been remorseful or even apologetic once he realized how upset his new wife was, then she''d have something to work with! At this point, he resents her for the cost of the wedding and doesn''t care that she is upset about the ring. That is not the hallmark of good husband material, IMO.


I agree however, she is not upset just about the ring, there are deeper things going on as well.

Muffin Top, I guess I''d ask you this...had he gotten you the exact ring of your dreams, for your wedding, would you be content being married to him, at this very minute?

I completely agree with this post. The issue with the ring is symbolic of the dynamics in the relationship. The OP''s desires are secondary to those of her husband and her MIL. She did speak up and clearly express the importance of a ring as a part of her cultural identity. When she mentioned a 2 carat stone, I did not have the impression she specifically meant a diamond. The ring chosen by the MIL was one I would not wear either. After two years have past, the husband has done nothing to remedy the situation and still complains about the cost of the wedding that was planned to meet his and his family''s expectations. I don''t think there will be an easy answer to the situation. It is simply not important to him. It seems as if his wife''s feelings are not very important to him, in general.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Intercultural marriages are really tricky, I know because I'm in one, and I'm the "other culture" in this instance.

I think it mostly boils down to good, honest, heart to heart communication and really making an effort to understand each other no matter how illogical you may find something.

For example in America, most people feel that they should live for what they want in life, and if their parents don't understand or accept that, then it's their loss for not accepting their children. From where I'm from, the traditional sentiment would be that the "American" mentality is childish, selfish and disrespectful of your parents, to whom you owe so much. I read on the wedding boards all the time that "it's Your wedding, do what makes you happy", and even though it's a sentiment I generally share, it makes me chuckle to think how that phrase would go over in certain other countries.

Anyways, it can be hard just because values you may have taken for granted growing up can be polar opposites in different areas of the world. Virtues and values you may think are universally true, aren't always so. It just takes a lot of discussion to navigate without hurting each other's feelings. The hard part comes if you realize there isn't a compromise that can make you both happy, in which case, there are some tough decisions to be made

ETA: I don't think AJ means to stereotype. I don't know much about Indian culture (I only have a few close Indian friends), but I will say that I do think "traditional chinese men" (and women) can share behavioral and moral trends that stem from the way they were raised and the prevailing thoughts of that culture. And while I certainly wouldn't say all Chinese men behave a certain way, I would evaluate their actions in a slightly different light given what I know of the cultural background and my own experiences with them.

 

[Indylady]

Date: 12/9/2009 8:47:07 PM
Author: arjunajane
yssie and circe - I said none of this behaviour surprises me from a *Traditional* Indian man.

I DID Not say ''all Indian men are like this''.


Yssie - you said it yourself - you are in a mixed culture r''ship where you both are actively compromising, and you are *progressive* Not traditional. where as muffin''s doesn''t appear to be that way.

However, I don''t see how it is comparable as your Fi is American and you are Indian.?


And, if I read correctly (and my whole post was quoted, not just one line) it was actually me who suggested counselling initially.

Its comparable because Yssie comes from an Indian family and has seen the male members of her family interact with their wives, daughters, sisters, etc.

"Traditional" Indian men? For that matter, "traditional" American men have been just as patronizing.
Research and reading about cultural communications doesn''t mean you are qualified to make a racist statement. There is misogyny in most cultures.

 

[sunseeker101]

Date: 12/9/2009 10:22:06 PM
Author: risingsun

Date: 12/9/2009 3:19:33 PM
After two years have past, the husband has done nothing to remedy the situation and still complains about the cost of the wedding that was planned to meet his and his family's expectations. I don't think there will be an easy answer to the situation. It is simply not important to him. It seems as if his wife's feelings are not very important to him, in general.

Totally agree with this. His commentary seems to reflect how he feels trapped between two sides (parents and wife) with no awareness of or care for how his own imbalanced priorities in relation to American cultural expectation are ruining his central relationship. Cultural differences in a relationship are navigatable only if both parties are self-aware and committed to accepting 'strangeness'. Two years later it sounds like he thinks himself to be unfairly victimized by this difference -- no easy answers to be sure.

 

[arjunajane]

Yes szh, there is misogyny in likely all cultures - but we are talking about Indian culture here.
So making an observation based on my opinion now counts as being racist?
sheesh, I think I''ll stay away from these types of threads in future, and I won''t post further in this one as I don''t like my words being minced.

Thankyou MTG for taking my post on face value and how it was intended.

And my apologies if my postoffended anyone who mistook it for somethimg its not.

 

[kama_s]

I agree with everyone who has said that this really isn't about the ring. Well, yes it is, but there are MUCH deeper issues. You really need to get yourselves into counselling, or I'm betting your resentment will only get worse.

Just so you know, if my husband EVER rubbed it in my face that I "owed" him for the wedding, I would have replied with 'Good luck getting anything back. I'm out.'

Also, FWIW, I am Indian and I've dated a LOT of Indian guys. Let me tell you, there's a reason I didnt marry one. Not saying decent guys like Feb2003's husband or yssie's family don't exist, they're just...very rare. The Indian system is VERY patriarchial. Women, especially new brides, are treated like crap. And weddings are not about the B&G, they're about the parents and how much money can be thrown around. And I'm guessing this is the reason for the diamond ring. It wasn't about the simple ring OP wanted, it was about what his mother would have loved to show off around.

 

[arjunajane]

Thankyou kama for providing some anectdotal evidence of the exact cultural dissonance to which I was referring.
The reasons you have given for choosing not to marry an Indian man are many of the same ones I have become familiar with, hence my assertion earlier that I was not surprised a cross cultural communication breakdown had occurred in this particular relationship.

Honestly, I''m still having a lil trouble seeing what about my post ruffled so many feathers. But I said I''d leave out, so I will.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 12/10/2009 12:31:47 AM
Author: arjunajane
Thankyou kama for providing some anectdotal evidence of the exact cultural dissonance to which I was referring.
The reasons you have given for choosing not to marry an Indian man are many of the same ones I have become familiar with, hence my assertion earlier that I was not surprised a cross cultural communication breakdown had occurred in this particular relationship.

Honestly, I''m still having a lil trouble seeing what about my post ruffled so many feathers. But I said I''d leave out, so I will.

I don''t see how you could ruffle any feathers. arjuajane... From what I have seen from you. You speak the truth, always in a nice manner, in a respectful way...

I can''t speak to the issue at hand, as it''s beyond my scope.... But do wish the OP all the best going forward.

 

[Imdanny]

Date: 12/9/2009 11:30:20 PM
Author: arjunajane
Yes szh, there is misogyny in likely all cultures - but we are talking about Indian culture here.

So making an observation based on my opinion now counts as being racist?

sheesh, I think I'll stay away from these types of threads in future, and I won't post further in this one as I don't like my words being minced.


Thankyou MTG for taking my post on face value and how it was intended.


And my apologies if my postoffended anyone who mistook it for somethimg its not.

Well, you offended me when you told me to "grow up" when all I was doing was asking how to find a section of this website. And when I told you that I really was in fact needing help finding it, not only did you not apologize, you ignored me.

You said people can flame you and now you're surprised when people actually did "flame" you? Things that begin with "you can flame me" and "I hope I don't offend anyone" usually do end up with people "flaming" you and being offended. Imagine that.

 

[kama_s]

Date: 12/10/2009 1:02:02 AM
Author: Imdanny

Date: 12/9/2009 11:30:20 PM
Author: arjunajane
Yes szh, there is misogyny in likely all cultures - but we are talking about Indian culture here.

So making an observation based on my opinion now counts as being racist?

sheesh, I think I''ll stay away from these types of threads in future, and I won''t post further in this one as I don''t like my words being minced.


Thankyou MTG for taking my post on face value and how it was intended.


And my apologies if my postoffended anyone who mistook it for somethimg its not.

Well, you offended me when you told me to ''grow up'' when all I was doing was asking how to find a section of this website. And when I told you that I really was in fact needing help finding it, not only did you not apologize, you ignored me.

You said people can flame you and now you''re surprised when people actually did ''flame'' you? Things that begin with ''you can flame me'' and ''I hope I don''t offend anyone'' usually do end up with people ''flaming'' you and being offended. Imagine that.

Can we keep this out of this thread? Please don''t derail OP''s thread. Would also be nice to not have personal attacks around here.

 

[arjunajane]

Date: 12/10/2009 1:02:02 AM
Author: Imdanny

Date: 12/9/2009 11:30:20 PM

Author: arjunajane

Yes szh, there is misogyny in likely all cultures - but we are talking about Indian culture here.


So making an observation based on my opinion now counts as being racist?


sheesh, I think I''ll stay away from these types of threads in future, and I won''t post further in this one as I don''t like my words being minced.



Thankyou MTG for taking my post on face value and how it was intended.



And my apologies if my postoffended anyone who mistook it for somethimg its not.

Well, you offended me when you told me to ''grow up'' when all I was doing was asking how to find a section of this website. And when I told you that I really was in fact needing help finding it, not only did you not apologize, you ignored me.

You said people can flame you and now you''re surprised when people actually did ''flame'' you? Things that begin with ''you can flame me'' and ''I hope I don''t offend anyone'' usually do end up with people ''flaming'' you and being offended. Imagine that.

Well, I intended to stay away but this is just unfair - sorry Danny, but I have ABSOLUTELY no idea what you are talking about. Honestly, I think you have me confused with someone else

I also agree that, even if I had done what you are alleging I did - coming into a completely unrelated thread to "call me out" on it? Very inappropriate.
If I did something to you you in the past you feel was against forum policy, you should have notified the mods at the time, but I sustain I have no clue to what you are referring.

Kaleigh, thankyou for the moral support.

 

[kama_s]

Date: 12/10/2009 12:31:47 AM
Author: arjunajane
Thankyou kama for providing some anectdotal evidence of the exact cultural dissonance to which I was referring.
The reasons you have given for choosing not to marry an Indian man are many of the same ones I have become familiar with, hence my assertion earlier that I was not surprised a cross cultural communication breakdown had occurred in this particular relationship.

Honestly, I'm still having a lil trouble seeing what about my post ruffled so many feathers. But I said I'd leave out, so I will.

Yup. I agree with what you're saying. Although I think with any sort of generalization, people will be offended. I've never been able to gel well with Indian families/guys, I have serious fundamental issues with a lot of Indian customs and traditions! So I can see why the OP is finding it hard to understand some of the cutural differences.

ETA: I reported Imdanny's post

 

[Indylady]

Date: 12/10/2009 12:31:47 AM
Author: arjunajane
Thankyou kama for providing some anectdotal evidence of the exact cultural dissonance to which I was referring.

The reasons you have given for choosing not to marry an Indian man are many of the same ones I have become familiar with, hence my assertion earlier that I was not surprised a cross cultural communication breakdown had occurred in this particular relationship.


Honestly, I'm still having a lil trouble seeing what about my post ruffled so many feathers. But I said I'd leave out, so I will.

OP's husband is inconsiderate. He is also Indian. He is not inconsiderate because he is Indian. I have read many other posts and threads about inconsiderate husbands, and none of them point or lead to ethnicity.

Imagine reading a thread about divorce, in which the poster says she is American. Someone then comments, "Honestly, I'm not surprised because divorces in America are common. That is often how marriages work in that country. I've done a reasonable amount of research into American culture and this sounds all too familiar." That would be entirely out of line, a complete generalization. The matter of a divorce is irrelevant to a couple being American. The matter of inconsiderateness is irrelevant to an individual's ethnicity.

ETA: I would like to drop this topic as well, but I wanted to clarify why a generalization like the comment earlier would be rude, uncalled for, and simply...incorrect.

 

[Porridge]

Hugs Muffin, I understand your disappointment and frustration. There are high expectations and it hurts to feel like they were ignored. Maybe he doesn''t understand why it means so much to you? I bet it would help to explain that to him, that you see it as a symbol of his love and understanding, and that you want to be reminded of that when you look at it. He doesn''t have to understand your fondness for jewelry, but he should understand why it is important to you.

This "owing for the wedding issue" definitely needs to be addressed. That is not a healthy attitude. Again, the only way through that is to discuss how you feel about the concessions you made, and find out what is making him say such things. Hopefully you can meet halfway and dispell the resentment that both of you appear to be harbouring.

Someone asked would you be happy with everything else if you got the ring? That is a very important question to ask yourself.

For now let''s work on the assumption that the discussion goes well, that he is a wonderful man to whom you are happy to be married, and that the ring and cost of the wedding are the only major issues, and that it is simply a case of lack of communication, then I have a suggestion for resolution: how about a compromise? You both feel you are owed something. I''m not aware of your financial situation, but how about you suggest that you exchange gifts? He can get you your dream ring, and you can get him something equally important to him.

 

[arjunajane]

Sorry szh, but we''ll have to agree to disagree. That is your opinion - why is your opinion more "correct" than mine?

The nature of the Indian''s husband''s inconsiderate behaviour is directly influenced by the long-standing cultural practices and influences across generations. These type of influences are widely recognized and well documented.

It may have been a generalized observation, but one based on factual evidence (and now supported by anecdotal evidence by a number of people in this thread actually from that culture).
Sorry, but I completely disagree that a generalization is inherently racist, as long as it is based in fact.
A husband can be inconsiderate in particular behaviours because he is Indian, Thai, American, Australian - whatever. You are effectively trying to argue that culture has no influence on an individual''s behaviours and relationships, when in fact the complete opposite is true, it has every influence - *in my opinion*.
Does this mean you also believe that you are simply born the person you are and are not a product of your environment, your upbringing, your *culture* ??

You clearly took issue with the wording of my post, and for that I apologize. But I don''t apologize for the actual content of it.
All I said was that I am not surprised, based on *my personal experience and understanding of this topic* - how is that any different to any other post before or after mine?
Nearly all posters acknowledged they are familiar with the fact that intercultural marriages present specific inherent challenges that are unique to that culture - others also went further and acknowledged they are familiar with the particular challenges often presented in cross cultural marriages/relationships with Indian men, specifically.
So I said the exact same thing, but in a more direct manner and without the "padding".

That''s it.
Agree to disagree. These are my beliefs, clearly not in line with yours - what makes the world go ''round right?
I respect and enjoy your posts szh, I realize this one of mine has rubbed you the wrong way - but I believe I''ve substantiated my position and do not feel the need to defend/explain myself further. I hope you can accept that.

To Muffin Top, I am sorry that my post has caused a distraction in your thread, and I do apologize if it has caused you any distress - that was not my intention.
And I sincerely hope that you are able to move forward in your marriage and overcome some of your challenges together. I wish you both the best.

 

[steph72276]

Date: 12/9/2009 9:30:47 PM
Author: purrfectpear
It''s a huge difference between people from another country who came here as children/teens, or were raised by parents who have been in America for a good length of time - and an adult who has been here less than 4 years, where their entire upbringing was in the culture of another country.


You didn''t mention how long you knew your hubby before you married, but I can certainly sense your deep resentments against his traditions/cultures vs. what you are traditionally comfortable with.


The fact is you didn''t marry an American man. If you love this man, then you need to accept him as he is, with his values and cultural notions. Neither of you will be very happy if you continue to wish he was like the guys you grew up with, and he continues to wish you were more like the women he grew up with.


Counseling would be great but if he won''t go, then you need to accept him or move on. It''s not fair to hold internal grudges and resentments over something that is inherent in who the other person is IMO.


I suspect this post is the mere tip of the iceberg and that there is a LOT more going on in this relationship that caused some hurtful things being said

I think this is a first, but Ditto PP!

 

[MAC-W]

Date: 12/9/2009 4:41:20 AM
Author: wenwen1111
if your husband is generous in other aspects of life but just not with the ring, then he may have different priorities and does not see the ring as something worth spending a lot of money on. Just like I see no need for luxury cars but some guys could almost marry them. However, if you feel that your husband is not willing to spend money on you when he is well capable and not under financial stress then I would be somewhat concerned.

LOL this is sooo true of my hubby (and also watches). But over the years we''ve been together he has learnt to think about my jewellery obsession (and shoe obsession) in terms of his cars and watches, so now we have a good compromise - it took nearly 10 years to reach this however.

If the OP doesnt feel that a compromise is possible (not necessarily now but at any time in the future) then.....

 

[MAC-W]

Date: 12/8/2009 11:32:41 PM
Author: Circe


Some piece of wedding advice that stuck in my head: someone told my husband (and he told me), ''You both need to feel like you''re giving 75% in order to meet at 50%.''

This is GREAT advice

 

[MAC-W]

Date: 12/9/2009 8:01:41 AM
Author: february2003bride



Do you feel cheated out of not being able to wear a white wedding gown? The wedding you grew up wanting? If that''s the case, would your DH be open to a wedding vow renewal ceremony at some point that is more traditional?

This IMHO is a great idea - and then the ring you want can be a symbol of the ''renewal''