I hate my ring

[mufiin_top]

My husband is from India but met me after living in the USA for about 4 years. I''m American. We got engaged and it was eventually agreed that we would exchange rings during the wedding ceremony. ALmost every aspect of our wedding was adapted as per his own family traditions and customs; instead of a white dress, I wore a heavy red dress and lots of uncomfortable jewelry, for example. But the only custom I wanted followed more along my own customs as opposed to his country''s was the ring, which I conveyed on enough occasions as to leave no doubt. I spent countless days planning a traditional hindu wedding ceremony and catering as per exactly what would make his own family happy.

Many discussions took place about our expectations for the rings, and as per his request, I supplied him with detailed written explanations about what kind of ring I''d be happy with, along with several pictures of rings. Here were my requirements:
1. Two tone preferred
2. No diamonds
3. A low setting that will not snag.
4. If there are stones, at least a two carat center stone either as a solitaire or with two accent stones.

I even offered to put him in touch with some local jewelers who could produce what I''d like. But as is often the case with him, he thought he knew better.

We had MANY discussions about the ring. I too spent many hours looking at rings for him, and asked him repeatedly as much as I could about his preferences.


Anyway, Here is a pretty good example the ring he gave me during our wedding:

http://product-image.tradeindia.com/00283557/b/0/Diamond-Ring.jpg

In case you didn''t already notice, this ring is quite literally about as far opposite my requests as you can possibly get. And I will also say that the actual ring didn''t even have a white gold setting; it was all yellow gold.


Not only that, but I later found out his MOTHER chose the ring with no input from him at all. He claims he did go to a few jewelers and showed them thr pictures of what I liked but that none could make it (in fact, he chose one of several pictures of a ring HE liked for me that was custom engraved with a cad design).

I did find this upsetting enough that I couldn''t hold myself on our wedding night from asking why this ring was chosen after all our discussions and him knowing its importance to me. I was upset that he was so blatantly careless . This was a 50,000 wedding (which I admit he paid for most of).

It has been two years. My ring now sits in a bank. It makes me angry when I look at it. For me it represents his inability to listen and be considerate, and most of all that he expects me to meet him on his own side in most ways, rather than him trying to meet me half way in our cultural divide. Finally, I question if he got this ring because he was angry that he had to pay for the wedding, because he mentions the fact that I owe him for the wedding sometimes.

I don''t discuss this with anyone except my husband, and I think I will feel better by posting about it here, where a few people might understand and learn something from it.

ANyway, thanks for reading. COmments are welcome, but please do appreciate that this is a VERY emotional and touchy subject for me. Thanks

 

[vespergirl]

There seem to be a lot of relationship issues here that I don''t want to touch with a 10 foot pole ...

But, regarding the ring - is there any way that you could ask him to get you the ring that you really want now, as a holiday or anniversary gift? And you could find a jeweler who could make it, so you could control the custom design process.

 

[exoticisabella]

I was always with the understanding that the women of India are not treated with high regard and my first thought was that maybe this is a cultural type communication error. One of my friends is from India and she was saying that the women do not usually get diamonds in their wedding rings. Could this ring have been his attempt (though I realize maybe it wasn''t the best attempt) at meeting in the middle? Has he said anything about you not wearing your ring? If so, there might be an opportunity for you to discuss the ring that you really wanted as an anniversary gift.

 

[Mariposa]

I''m sorry, but this doesn''t really seem to be about a "ring" to me.

Good luck,
Mariposa

 

[AprilBaby]

Wow that is a LOT of issues. But I agree, maybe a new ring for the anniversary? And you pick it?

 

[Liane]

Yes, there are so many issues here that the ring seems trivial. Isn''t it peculiar how often that symbol becomes a symptom of so much else wrong?

Honestly, reading this, it all sounds so miserable I''m not sure there should be another anniversary. I hope your actual situation is happier than this sounds.

 

[SimonG Girl]

Date: 12/8/2009 10:06:27 PM
Author: Mariposa
I''m sorry, but this doesn''t really seem to be about a ''ring'' to me.

Good luck,
Mariposa

I agree...100%....sounds like relationship/commuincation problem, more than a ring problem (although I can completely understand how frustrating your situation would be). I wish you the best of luck and I hope you get a ring you LOVE someday!

 

[MakingTheGrade]

::hugs:: Sorry

I can somewhat relate. I didn''t exactly want a traditional diamond solitaire as I''m more a colored stone girl and I really love unique, hand crafted, literally one-of-a-kind (or at least first of its kind) jewelery. I don''t dislike white diamonds, it just wasn''t necessarily my first choice. But my hubby is from a traditional family and is very old fashioned himself, so I ended up with a (very nice and very beautiful) diamond solitaire, haha.

To be fair I wasn''t very vocal with my preferences, and he''s an engineer so I think diamonds were "safe" since they have a more objective and standardized grading system that he can relate to and be guided by.

I wear my ring because it''s stunning, and even though I occasionally look at it and wonder exactly how much (or how little) thought he put into getting me something uniquely me, for 99% of the time I look at the ring and feel loved. I know he''ll never be as interested or invested in jewelery as I am and will probably always zone out when I talk about it, but I''m 100% sure of the sentiment behind my ring, and it''s all about the love! I may doubt his style (and occasionally his insight), but I have no question that he bought the ring with the best of intentions. I''m also 100% sure that if I didn''t like it to the point of not wearing it, he''d take it back and get me something else, out of pride if nothing else

 

[Dreamer_D]

If it is just about the ring, then go buy yourself the ring you want! End of story!

But it is so not about the ring my dear. If it was, then my suggestion above would not have made you feel angry

I feel for you, I really do, but the ring is a symbol of everything you are upset about in your relationship. Those issues won''t get solved unless you stop thinking about the ring and start thinking about what is really going on.

 

[Deactivated member 42515]

I''m sorry about everything that is happening. You do deserve your dream ring. I know that its a sore subject and I''m sure nothing I say can make things better but my mom always told me about how horrible she felt when my dad would tell her that she came into the marriage with nothing. No money, no furniture, just her.in my mind, if u love somone, it doesn''t matter which person pays more or brings more into the marriage.
Everytime my dad gets angry, he would tell her how useless she was to the beginning of their marriage, when my mom left her family and everything she ever knew and loved to travel to a different country with a man she barely knew but trusted to support her and love her. And he says she didn''t bring anything??? I feel for you because yes let''s say he paid for most of the wedding, but YOU didn''t get YOUR wedding. It was for his family. I''m sorry, I''m not trying to say your husband is a bad man or that he doesn''t love you. I''m just also sensitive about the subject because of how my dad treated my mom.

As for the ring, I never got a wedding or a reception or a honeymoon from my husband. I didn''t really care that we didn''t get to do all those things but the ONE thing I asked of him was a ring. Just a ring. He promised to get me one but a year passed then another and now its getting close to 3. Most of all the fights we ever had was because of this ring. Since I didn''t get a wedding and all those others, and just asked for a ring, I wondered... Why can''t he do this for me?
My story does have good news because I finally got to order my ring... But we fought so much because of it.

My story isn''t the same as yours, and I know it DOES NOT compare to your mother in law choosing your ring... My heart just goes out to you. When I read your post... I felt so sad...

I realize that this isn''t really about your ring but what it symbolizes... I also come from a culturally divided marriage. And I understand that at times, it can be hard.

Have you tried talking to him again recently? I know its hard to bring up because you don''t want to upset him or start up another argument, but for the sake of your happiness and satisfaction, don''t you think you should? Because maybe if u don''t and continue to just keep it to yourself, you may end up resenting your husband... Cuz I know that''s what I was afraid of.

I''m sorry this is long and I''m sorry about what you are going through.
But I am glad you decided to post here. We all support you and wish you the best!

 

[mufiin_top]

Hi You guys,

Thanks for all the feedback. Yes, this isn''t about the ring obviously I am very into gems and jewelry, but it is obvious about many other thins. We have already had our 2nd year anniversary and he has promised to fix this but hasn''t. We have had major major arguments over it, with me telling him not to get a ring, and me swearing I won''t even wear a ring.

I know his culture doesn''t wear rings, which is why I spent so much time explaining it to him in the first place.

I am sorry to bring my problems onto a forum like this. I look at all the rings you guys show off and my heart aches. My husband called me on the phone nd was very upset that I sounded so sad. He isn''t as bad as it seems; but I am sure you guys can understand why this still upsets me.

ANyways, I will be back when I can feel a little less bitter.

 

[decodelighted]

New title suggestion: "I hate my husband". Thoughts?

 

[Deactivated member 42515]

Umm I disagree. This is a sore and sensitive subject for her and she doesn''t hate her husband. She''s just upset and disappointed. We should just be here to support her.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 12/8/2009 10:38:49 PM
Author: YayTacori
Umm I disagree. This is a sore and sensitive subject for her and she doesn''t hate her husband. She''s just upset and disappointed. We should just be here to support her.

I''m asking for the OP''s thoughts ... not starting a poll. As many others have suggested ... this isn''t about a ring really. The ring has become a symbol for everything that is wrong with the relationship (which seems, in her mind, to be him not meeting her halfway -- and holding the cost of the wedding over her head, and possibly "punishing" her buy letting his mother pick out an ugly ring --- will the full knowledge of how important it was to her and how hard she worked planning a type of wedding she didn''t even want).

I''m asking HER if its not really the RING she hates -- but HIM. And its a serious question. Its a lot easier to distract ourselves with items when the real feelings are about people.

 

[Deactivated member 42515]

I understand what you are saying. I know you weren''t doing a poll...

And yes, its easier for people to blame something other than somone and make the issue about an object.

I just feel bad for her because a lot of what she''s saying sounds so much like how my mom was treated and I hated the way my dad treated my mom. So I guess I got a tad oversensitive.

 

[Bliss]

I''m really sorry that you are sad. Maybe your husband just doesn''t understand why the ring would be so special to you. Some men don''t get it and I think it takes them a while or takes a lot of hurtful arguments until they finally understand, unfortunately. We''ve read many stories like yours, where the women feel like they were never listened to or that the men disregarded their feelings.

But take heart. Many of those stories had happy endings. Sure, there were fights and lots of hurt feelings. But in the end, either the woman talked the stubborn husband into seeing her point of view or she bought it herself.

I don''t think he should be making you feel guilty about paying for most of the wedding, though. What is this, yours/mine thing? A marriage isn''t tit for tat. It''s not a balance sheet, not in my book. You should really try to tackle those mindsets first. You seem to be saying that these big significant symbols - marriage and ring - are about the couple. But he might not really get that yet. It''s not insurmountable, I think. Marriage takes work and change takes time. Take heart. It''s not a total loss - you can prevail and cross the bridge of understanding together. We''ve seen some happy endings that show that this case isn''t doomed. You can both have your needs met. Just keep communicating! Even if it hurts!

 

[Circe]

As I see it, the ring is acting in synechdoche for the marriage. Sure, you''d love something beautiful on your hand that you could look at as a symbol of your union ... but it''d be nice if the union wasn''t so fraught in the first place, too.

Has your husband ever explained what in the world he was thinking around all of this? Was he distracted, was he pressured by his mother/family/acquaintances saying, "Oh, no, she would certainly prefer *this*" ... is the ring you received the Indian equivalent of the American mother saying "I don''t care what she TOLD you, every girl would like a Tiffany solitaire!" No matter what, it doesn''t excuse his brushing over your wishes ... but it might go some way towards explaining his thinking. And even if it does, he needs to *re*think it, if it is still making you unhappy.

Some piece of wedding advice that stuck in my head: someone told my husband (and he told me), "You both need to feel like you''re giving 75% in order to meet at 50%." It sounds like you''re over at 90%. Does your husband meet you on your needs and wants at all? Or is the ring as symbolic as it seems?

 

[Cehrabehra]

I understand that when you vent all the negative tumbles out and it can be hard for people who don''t know you to get a clear image of reality. I also know that saying you don''t want something - guys take that way too literally. I learned that early on lol

Why not come out and ask him if you can design your own ring?

 

[Jelly]

Hi Mufiin,

I feel for your situation and I''m sorry that you have had to endure the disappointment of a ring you do not like. With that being said, I feel that buying your own jewelry, with money that you have earned/saved is very fulfilling.

Why wait for your husband to buy something? Get it for yourself and get exactly what you want. If you can''t afford the ring of your dreams, start small and go with a vendor with a good upgrade policy.

 

[gorri8]

to be honest, I dated an indian guy back in college and it got serious for a bit. He was very selfish. I will always remember that his family were always the important ones, like my family wasn''t. Anyways I broke up with him because I knew that he wouldn''t make me happy, what I''m saying to you is that, if this is really about the ring or something more. You will need to figure out what you can do to make you happy, in the end.. nobody will be there to wipe your tears. You can create your own happiness. I''m so happy I didn''t marry that guy, otherwise I wouldn''t have met my hubby now, who loves me more than his own life. I wish you the best and remember life is short, spend many happy moments as you can!

 

[wenwen1111]

if your husband is generous in other aspects of life but just not with the ring, then he may have different priorities and does not see the ring as something worth spending a lot of money on. Just like I see no need for luxury cars but some guys could almost marry them. However, if you feel that your husband is not willing to spend money on you when he is well capable and not under financial stress then I would be somewhat concerned.

 

[arjunajane]

Date: 12/8/2009 10:46:26 PM
Author: decodelighted


I''m asking for the OP''s thoughts ... not starting a poll. As many others have suggested ... this isn''t about a ring really. The ring has become a symbol for everything that is wrong with the relationship (which seems, in her mind, to be him not meeting her halfway -- and holding the cost of the wedding over her head, and possibly ''punishing'' her buy letting his mother pick out an ugly ring --- will the full knowledge of how important it was to her and how hard she worked planning a type of wedding she didn''t even want).


I''m asking HER if its not really the RING she hates -- but HIM. And its a serious question. Its a lot easier to distract ourselves with items when the real feelings are about people.

ditto 100% what deco said. I wouldn''t use the word "hate" necessarily - but absolutely the ring would be the least of my concerns here, sorry muffin.

It sounds like your husband is controlling and rather selfish, perhaps also not very receptive of Your feelings or priorities in the relationship.
I know this is one example only you have given us - but I don''t get the feeling this is a one-off scenario, and I agree haranguing you about "owing" him for the wedding when it was his insistence to have such an occasion in the first, seems very unfair.

People can flame me if they like for making "stereotypical" statements, but none of this behaviour really surprises me from a traditional Indian man. That is all too often just how marriages are run in his country.
No, I haven''t dated an Indian man - but yes, I have done a reasonable amount of research into the cultural and communication issues between Indians and westerners, particularly with regards to women and relationships, and this situation sounds all too familiar.


muffin, if it''s too personal I understand, but have you and your husband sought counseling to address these relationship issues? There is much more than a ring at play here - (otherwise I would second the other gals and just say buy your own in any design you wish..).
In my opinion a marriage across cultures like this has even higher demands for large compromises, a strong commitment, and alot of patience and understanding - even more so than what is necessary to keep a "same culture" (for lack of better term) marriage ticking smoothly.
I do feel badly for you that you seem quite sad this soon into your marriage.
I hope nothing I have said serves to aggravate your emotions, just some food for thought I guess..

 

[february2003bride]

First let me start by saying I''m also an American married to an Indian guy, and so are 3 of my friends. And NONE of our husbands are selfish. I don''t want Indian guys getting a rep of being selfish because for the most part, they''re pretty great

So please this isn''t 100% a cultural or "Indian" thing. Family, honor and reputation is very important in the Indian culture but my husband''s generation that have lived here in the US, really are breaking away from the whole "what will the relatives think" mentality and living their lives how they want too, opinions of the family be damned. I will say that our DH''s all came here as kids and young teenagers though, which I think does make a difference.

Anyway, to focus less on that and more on your husband, you and your ring specifically. My guess is your husband got overwhelmed about the ring purchased (you mention he even had CADs done?) and either mentioned it to his mother who said she could pick it out herself to help him, or he thought since his mother was a woman, she could pick it out and you would be ok with that. Personally, I would be livid if my MIL picked out any part of my wedding set. But from a guys perspective, they probably don''t see the big deal. I''ve been to Jared''s twice this week and both times there were guys there picking out e-rings with women who clearly were their mothers or future MIL (or cougars

). Or maybe he did get upset about the cost of the wedding and cheaped out on your ring. So yes, he did screw up on this one. Has he apologized for it? Has he offered to get your a new ring? If he did, did he assume you would just get it yourself?

Regarding the wedding... you chose to have a traditional Indian wedding that does require WAY more planning than an American one, for sure! My husband didn''t want to touch an Indian wedding with a 10 foot pole because of all the issues and drama that surrounds one (atleast with his family

) so we had an American one. However, my 3 friends had both Indian and American weddings to celebrate the joining of their cultures. Do you feel cheated out of not being able to wear a white wedding gown? The wedding you grew up wanting? If that''s the case, would your DH be open to a wedding vow renewal ceremony at some point that is more traditional? Also, your DH throwing at you that you "owe" him for the wedding...not cool. Not cool at all.

Your DH''s frustration sounds like my DH''s when it comes to rings. Your DH is probably thinking, it''s JUST a ring, what''s the big deal? He absolutely should be listening to you and hearing how important this is to you. Do you wear a ring at all? I think you should pick out the ring you want, show it to your DH and say "This will make me happy. Either you can go get it for me, or I''ll go get it myself." End of story. My DH has the patience of a God when it comes to my rings. Probably half of my 2,000 posts are about me changing my rings! But as patient as my DH is, he has gotten upset and said "It''s JUST a ring! Can''t you pick it, put it on your finger and forget about it like most women do?" My DH doesn''t like me being sad about my rings, he just wants me to pick something and be done with it forever. Your DH could be thinking the same thing.

There''s definitely communication and control issues going on though. I''m going to guess that your DH wouldn''t go to counseling? Marriage couseling just isn''t done in India. If he won''t, would he be open to reading self help books? My DH swears by Divorce Busters (if you can over look some of the religous aspects of the book). He read it after his first divorce (to an American woman as well) and he said it made him realize that he was a terrible communicator! He really does try with our marriage and it''s because of that specific book.

Personally, I say go buy your ring if you can afford, toss that book his way and get yourself to counseling even if he won''t go. Good luck!

 

[Diamond*Dana]

I just want to say that I am sorry that you are not in love, or even in like with your ring. I can appreciate that this is a sore subject for you. I hope that you and your DH can come to terms on this. Good luck!

 

[cara]

Muffin, I feel for you. Even between two Americans, the engagement ring is a tricky beast fraught with all kinds of expectation and emotion and undercurrents. Reading your description, it sounds a bit like you were trying to force the US engagement ring tradition where the guy buys a ring for the girl based on her suggestions onto your wedding ring? Today, some couples do follow the ''suggestions'' model, some follow the even more traditional model where the guy alone picks the engagement ring and the girl gets what she gets, but many couples today do go shopping together for their engagement ring . Also, almost everyone I know has shopped for their own wedding band (even if it''s the guy saying OK to whatever his girl picks out for him.) I dragged my picky husband to store after store watching him try on ring after ring after ring. No way I was picking that out myself! And I''m the woman. Clearly, what you tried didn''t work. Your husband was not the guy to pick out jewelry according to your suggestions as per an American custom; he was the guy to delegate this girl-related task to his mother, thinking she was the right person for that kind of job. This is who your husband is, a product of the culture he was raised in, and I think you''ll be a lot happier trying to figure out how to get what you want in your relationship WITHOUT trying to change him or make him meet your ideas of how things are done. That isn''t to say that you shouldn''t EXPLAIN American customs to him, but you may have to beat him over the head with them rather than rely on any shared cultural knowledge, and at the end of the day he still might not really ''get'' it. And apparantly, he woln''t really be carrying out the American customs to your standards. This is who he is.

As for the rest of the baggage the other have pointed out, I really hope that you find a good way to address it and improve your communication as a couple. At least I hope its a communication problem, combined with stack of cultural misunderstandings and resentments. Even if he woln''t go to marriage counseling, maybe you should, to give you some communication tools to try with him. Cause from this (distant) view, it doesn''t seem like a happy marriage right now.

 

[rainydaze]

i am not a fan of your DH''s ''you still owe me for the wedding'' approach, however that very statement may help you get your point across to him. the next time he says that, you could respond with something to this effect:

"as i recall we reached a compromise for our wedding. i gave up an american wedding in favor of a traditional indian wedding. what i asked for in return was an engagement ring - and i was very clear as to the kind of ring that suited my taste. i am sad that i received a ring that is in no way a reflection of my taste and it leaves me feeling xx (disregarded? disappointed?). the way i see it, you still owe me for the wedding - i fulfilled my end and planned a beautiful traditional indian (hindu?) wedding that was important to you and your family, but have yet to receive the ring i had my heart set on and that we discussed many times."

i hope you and your DH find a way to work this out, and that is a stepping stone to better relations between the two of you!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

People will always disappoint us if we have expectations. You expected your husband to listen. You expected him to have similar taste as your own. You expected him to read your mind. Your first mistake was not telling him EXACTLY what you wanted since you did have a dream ring in mind. You say it is not part of his culture. How could he ever understand the importance the wedding ring had then? It''s been two years. Time to let go and move on. This resentment is not healthy or helpful for your marriage. Sounds like you have other issues and resentments besides the ring. Have you tried marriage counseling? Maybe I am way out of line. If it really is JUST about the ring maybe you can pick out a NEW ring for a special gift. Seems like an easy problem to solve.

 

[joelly]

Muffin, I really feel for you. I am Indonesian (came to US in 1999) and my husband-to-be is Latin-American (born in Los Angeles). Cultural clash is our daily intake.

I''m sorry you don''t get your dream ring. I''m sure you and your husband will find a way to meet half-way. Maybe not now, but later you will. Keep working on it and good luck!!!!

P.S. Do post your dream ring here once you get it.

 

[MMMD]

I agree with Tacori E-ring, life is too short to hold grudges. If you would like a nice ring, go out and buy it for yourself. I''ve been happily married for 22 years. The reason that I am happily married is that I don''t, and I mean never, wait for my husband to read my thoughts. He''s not that deep. When he''s left to his own devices he buys me gifts that reflect his tastes and his wants. I understand that he has selfish tendencies and try not to hold it against him since he''s great in other areas. Also, I have a voice and I use it to tell him my wants and needs. If I wanted my husband to be different then I''d have to divorce him and marry someone else. There only so much one person can change, IMHO.

As for him throwing the wedding cost in your face, no one had a gun to his head. He chose to spend the money on your wedding. If he''s regretting that decision, that''s on him.

 

[Ara Ann]

Ladies, I think you are missing what Muffin top said...she said she DID spell out what she wanted in a ring. She even gave him contact info to jewelers, etc.

This is a case of her husband disregarding what she asked for, even after she compromised in many areas for his sake, regarding the wedding.

Sure she could go out and buy herself a ring, but she and many women want her ''wedding/engagement'' ring to be a special gift from her husband, one that symbolizes his love and commitment to her. I totally understand her disappointment, especially if she specifically told him how important it was to her and he blew it off. This isn''t just a case of a clueless groom, IMO. He considered her wishes trivial and had his mother choose a ring for her, then didn''t care that his new bride was obviously disappointed in his lack of effort in trying to meet her expectations. Had he been remorseful or even apologetic once he realized how upset his new wife was, then she''d have something to work with! At this point, he resents her for the cost of the wedding and doesn''t care that she is upset about the ring. That is not the hallmark of good husband material, IMO.


I agree however, she is not upset just about the ring, there are deeper things going on as well.

Muffin Top, I guess I''d ask you this...had he gotten you the exact ring of your dreams, for your wedding, would you be content being married to him, at this very minute?