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missy

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missy

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missy

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A woman came home early from work one day and found her husband in bed with a young and attractive woman.
The woman yelled at her husband in anger: “You slimy disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me!? I’m the mother of your children, and I’ve been faithful to you all these years! I want a divorce now!”
The husband answered: “Wait a second my love, let me at least explain what happened.”
“All right, let’s hear what you have to say for yourself,” answered the wife waiting to see just how her husband would try to talk his way out of this one, “but these are your last words.”
Her husband started recalling: “today when I left work and got in my car to head home and this woman asked me for a ride.”
“I noticed that she was very skinny and wearing worn out clothes covered in muck and mud. She told me she hadn’t eaten in three days.”
“She looked worse for wear so I took pity on her and let her into the car.”
“In my mercy for her, instead of taking her straight to where she needed to go, I brought her home first and warmed her up a plate of goulash, the same plate I made for you last night which you didn’t eat claiming you’d ‘get fat’.”
“She devoured it in seconds.”
“Since she needed to get clean, I offered to let her use our shower.”
“While she showered, I noticed that her clothes were very dirty and worn, so I threw them out. She needed new clothes so I brought her the old jeans you no longer wear because they’re ‘too tight’.”
“I also gave her some underwear I bought you that you didn’t wear because ‘I don’t have good taste in clothes’.”
“I found the shirt my mom bought you for Christmas that you didn’t wear to ‘piss her off’. And I gave her the high heels you only wore once because ‘someone at work had the same pair’.”
The husband took a deep breath and continued…
“She was so grateful for my understanding and help. When I walked her to the door she turned around with tears in her eyes and asked…”
“You’re such a great person! Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?”
 

kenny

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And now ladies and gents, something for our nihilists.

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missy

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44,994
Bubba ...
His name was Bubba, he was from Mississippi ... And he needed a loan, So ... he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International Redneck Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000; and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the South for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

His name was BUBBA....
Keep an eye on those southern boys!
Just because we talk funny does not mean we are stupid.
 

missy

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missy

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missy

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mrs-b

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A woman's dog - a giant long-haired schnauzer - kept getting ear infections, so she took him to the vet.

"He's got ingrown hairs," said the vet. "Go to the pharmacy, buy some of that Nair hair remover, and spread it carefully over the insides of his ears. Wipe it off after a few minutes, then do that every couple of weeks. That should fix the problem."

So the woman went off to the pharmacy, got some Nair, and took it to the counter.

Looking at it, the pharmacist said, "After you use this, don't use deodorant on your armpits for a week."

"I'm not using it on my armpits," said the woman.

"Well, ok," said the pharmacist. "Then, after you use it, don't shave your legs for a week."

"I'm not using it on my legs," said the woman. Seeing the pharmacist's questioning face, she continued a little exasperatedly, "If you *must* know - I'm using it on my schnauzer."

"Well," said the pharmacist, "don't ride a bike for a week."

*******************:bigsmile::bigsmile::bigsmile::bigsmile::bigsmile::bigsmile:*******************

(Thank you very much - I'll be here all pandemic)
 

missy

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missy

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