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Got any jokes?

kenny

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 30, 2005
Messages
33,847
A diet is selection of food for people who are thick and tired of it.

I have a polish friend who is a sound technician.
And a Czech one too. Czech one too. Czech one too.

I watched a documentary the other day on marijuana.
It was hilarious, and the colors were amazing!
All documentaries should be watched this way.

Four million of these people enter our country every year.
They're uneducated, unskilled, contribute nothing, not to mention they're they're dirty and they smell bad.
They are a burden to honest hard working Americans like you and I, yet our government is doing nothing to stop them.
And, THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH! :angryfire:
Man, I can't stand babies.
 
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I called the Incontinence Hotline today.
They asked me to hold.

Why can't I put myself in the dryer and come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

As a kid my dad told me bed bugs are found in beds, earthworms are found in earth, and water beetles are found in water.
For years, I was worried sick about cockroaches.

What do you call the question, "Should we take the canoe or just walk?"
Row v Wade.

Patient: "Doc, what's the cure for head lice?"
Doctor: "Depends what's wrong with them."

A German arrives at an Airport in Paris.
Customs officer: "Occupation?"
German: "Nein. Just visiting."
 
Q: What do you get if you eat refried beans and onions?
A: Tear Gas.

Q: What did the burp say to the other burp?
A: Let's be naughty and go out the other end!

A woman walks into a restaurant and takes a seat. As she bends down to reach into her purse for her wallet, she toots loudly, with the Waiter right behind her. Shocked, she sits back up abruptly, glares at the waiter and shouts "Stop That!" To which the Waiter replies "Sure, Which Way Did It Go?"

Two medical students saw a man limping down the street outside the teaching hospital.
One student told the other "That limp is due to arthritis of the hip".
"No" said the other "he has an artificial leg".
"Lets ask him" said the first student and they went up to the man. "I hope you don't mind sir but we are medical students from the hospital and we are interested in your limp".
He went on to explain their respective theories.
The limping man looked at them with pity and said--"you thought it was arthritis and you are wrong, you think it"s a wooden leg and you're wrong, I thought it was a toot and I was wrong".

Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator

Q: Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
A: It's filled with liti-gators.

Q: What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A: A tail-gater.
 
Q: What do you call an alligator that makes others fight?
A: An Instigator.


Q: Did you hear about the crocodile who became a congressman?
A: He was an expert dele-gator.

Q: What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
A: An irri-gator.

A man walked into a Florida bar with his alligator and asked the bartender:
"Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure."
"Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my alligator."

A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her "How do you put an elephant in the fridge?"
The teacher said "I don't know, how?"
Jacob then said "You open the door and put it in there!"
Then Jacob asked the teacher another question "How do you put a girraffe in the fridge?"
The teacher then replied "Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?"
Jacob said "No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there."
Then he asked another question..."All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?"
The teacher a bit confused and said "The lion?"
Then the student said "No,the girraffe because he's still in the fridge."
then he asked her just one more question...."If there is a river full of alligators and you wanted to get across it,how would you"
The teacher then says "You would walk over the bridge."
Then Jacob says "No, you would swim across because all the alligators are at the lions birthday party!"
She laughs and walks away.
 
What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.

My customers are shocked when they find out I'm a terrible electrician.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

I must have a nice butt.
Every time I walk away from a conversation, I hear "What an @ss!"
 
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a
whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody
else's dog around.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along...and shot him. The moral: When you're
full of bull, keep...your mouth shut.
 
If I see someone having a panic attack I hand them a paper bag ... full of spiders.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so good at it.

A waiter meets a woman; they fall in love and get married.
In bed on their honeymoon she whispers, "I want 69?"
He looks at her for a moment and says, "Right now? You want chicken with broccoli?"

PSA: According to the police the patio furniture and grills in front of Home Depot belong to Home Depot. Who knew?

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.
 
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make
sure it's still there.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised
if they learn their lesson.
 
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to
know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in
your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Finally, never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.

on that note night night.
 
Good ones Karl.
Let's keep the ladies laughing. :lol-2:

Night Night.
 
Q: What is another name for meshed banana?
A: Monkey's puke.

Q: What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A: Megasaurus.

DK :bigsmile:
 
1. An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room said, "Yeah, right."




2. An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The fisherman replied that it only took a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish. The fisherman said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, señor."

The American scoffed. "I am a Wharton MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then L.A., and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The fisherman asked, "But how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "Fifteen or 20 years."

"But what then?"

The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions."

"Millions? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your friends."



3. A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"

God said, "Sure, just a second."




4. Pessimist: Oh, this can't get any worse!
Optimist: Yes, it can!



5. A masochist asks a sadist, "Please hurt me."
"No," replies the sadist
 
Since there are no raccoons in the hotel out back today a raccoon joke sounds like a fine idea.

A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a raccoon sitting next to him.
"Are you a raccoon?" asked the man, surprised.
"Yes."
"What are you doing at the movies?"
The raccoon replied, "Well, I liked the book."


Q: What did the grape say when the Raccoon stood on it?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Q: Why did the Raccoon cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!

Q: What kind of car does a raccoon drive?
A: A Furrari.

Q: When does a Raccoon go "moo"?
A: When it is learning a new language!

Q: What do you call a Raccoon that can pick up an elephant ?
A: Sir!

lolol.jpg

animals.jpg
 
A woman is praying for a man. But she wants a man who will never look at another woman. A man who will never run away from her.
And a man that will give her great sex, every day. She prays and prays.
The doorbell rings.
She opens the door to see a blind paraplegic man.
I will never look at another woman- I can't!
I'll never run out on you- because I can't! he tells her.....

What about the sex, she asks.
Hey, I rang the doorbell, right?
 
:appl::lol::appl:
 
Here are some bad jokes.

How can you tell when the Moon has had enough to eat? It's full.

What kind of bugs do you find on the moon? A lunatic.

Why are the bars crowded on Mars? They don't have atmosphere.

How do you fix a crack in a pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.
 
If people from Poland are the Poles, why do we call people from Holland the 'Dutch'?
 
jordyonbass said:
If people from Poland are the Poles, why do we call people from Holland the 'Dutch'?
Click to expand...

Shall we call them ... The Holes? :mrgreen:
Then we could say the people from Holland are holy. :angel:
 
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Mahatma Gandhi suffered more than people know. He walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. He was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

(An oldie, but a fun one to say :lol-2:)
 
My dad was a lawyer and collected lawyer jokes. His favorite was, "What do you call 100 lawyers chained at the bottom of the ocean? A good start."
 
Five surgeons are discussing who the best patients are to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside them are numbered."

The second responded, "You should try electricians! Everything inside them are color coded."

The third surgeon said, "I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them are in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimed in, "You know, I like construction workers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over in the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up with this observation, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no spine and the head and butt are interchangeable.
 
Bob and his wife started dieting a month ago
Bob's wife proposed they'd have a cheat day today

She brought home Mc Donald's and KFC wings
Bob brought home his secretary

From his hospital bed, Bob is wondering when men will ever understand women...
 
LOL
 
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