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Got any jokes?

Arkteia

Ideal_Rock
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7,380
(It is a translation, but I hope I'll manage)

One genealogist asks another one:
- What does it mean, "bad heredity"?

The other one answers, pensively:

- Bad heredity? I think it is when they cross you out of the will...
 

Rockdiamond

Ideal_Rock
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A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"
 

Rockdiamond

Ideal_Rock
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A lady walks into the bedroom carrying a duck and says "I wanted to show you the pig I've been sleeping with."
"That's a duck!" said the husband.

She says "I was talking to the duck"
 

Rockdiamond

Ideal_Rock
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So I was talking to a client the other day. He told me he was 66 years old, and he was a doctor. “That’s great” I told him “you must be getting ready to retire.”
He says “No- my accountant nformed me that I will have to be working for another six years after I die“:twisted2:
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Messages
27,489
An oldie but a goodie and definitely matches my current frame of mind.

From one of my favorite movies Annie Hall. A Woody Allen quote.

There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Messages
26,975
Somewhat NSFW ... but since the BBC produced it how bad could it be?

 
Last edited:

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Messages
26,975
... I finally figured out what women want.
SECURITY!

Well, that's what they yell when I try to talk to one of em.
 

december-fire

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 3, 2013
Messages
2,346
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, ‘You should’ve been here at 8.30!’ He replies. ‘Why? What happened at 8.30?’

Love this one :twirl:
Your "catronaut" avatar is too cute! :lol-2:

Welcome to PS and thanks for the laugh from the joke and your avatar.

:wavey:
 

Rockdiamond

Ideal_Rock
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The times we live in. So Sad.
One small mistake can ruin someone's life.
After 7 years of medical school and training, my friend was fired for one small indiscretion.
He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession.
This just goes to show how a small mistake can ruin your life. What a waste.
He was the best veterinarian in town too.....
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Messages
26,975
Screen Shot 2018-02-16 at 9.35.52 PM.png
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Joined
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Messages
27,489
noahsarc.jpg


cattshirt.jpg



catmug.jpg
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Messages
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Cat Lady Jokes!
Love em. :lol:.

Uh Oh, I just committed an un-PC gender sin! :cry2:
There are also 4 cat men on the planet. :confused2:
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
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Messages
26,975
Screen Shot 2018-03-07 at 11.29.04 PM.png


Screen Shot 2018-03-07 at 11.32.14 PM.png

Screen Shot 2018-03-09 at 8.07.51 PM.png
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 8, 2008
Messages
27,489
Cat Lady Jokes!
Love em. :lol:.

Uh Oh, I just committed an un-PC gender sin! :cry2:
There are also 4 cat men on the planet. :confused2:
I am an EO joke offender.

science-dog-joke.jpg

firehydrantjoke.jpg

talking-dog-punchline.jpg

catscantdrive.jpg


and along the science theme lol


h202.jpg
 

Rockdiamond

Ideal_Rock
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Messages
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A man walks into a bar carrying an octopus. He sets the octopus on the bar and the stunned bartender say, 'You can't bring an octopus in here!'
The man says, 'This octopus is incredibly talented. It can play any musical instrument.' A crowd starts to gather and suddenly from the bandstand comes flying through the air, a trumpet. A tentacle strikes out, grabs the trumpet and the octopus starts to play.'My god', the crowd gasps, 'it sounds like Miles Davis!' It tosses the trumpet back and a saxophone comes flying through the air. Once again, a tentacle strikes out, grabbing the sax and starts to play. 'Jeezus!', they exclaim, 'it sounds like Coletrane'. The sax is then sent flying back to the band. 'Wow', they all exclaim. Suddenly a bagpipe comes flying through the air. The octopus grabs it and is all over it, but not a sound. The man gets concerned and says to the octopus, 'Why don't you play it?', to which the octopus says, 'Play it? I'm going to have sex with it, as soon as I can get it's pajamas off!
 

Arkteia

Ideal_Rock
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Nov 3, 2009
Messages
7,380
Joke of the day: I could not remember anything funny today so I googled "jokes" (just now).

Here is what came first in the feed:

"It's official - the House Intelligence Committee is a joke!"
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 30, 2005
Messages
26,975
How does the farmer make such perfect crop circles?
.
.
.
.
She uses a pro tractor.
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Joined
Apr 30, 2005
Messages
26,975
:lol:
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
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My ex husband is so shallow.
Maybe I should dig a deeper grave so the dogs don't get to him.

... Nah!
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Messages
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Screen Shot 2018-03-23 at 5.12.13 PM.png
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Messages
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Screen Shot 2018-03-23 at 10.46.11 PM.png Screen Shot 2018-03-23 at 10.47.05 PM.png Screen Shot 2018-03-23 at 10.47.42 PM.png
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Messages
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DDDB57E8-84DD-4B09-AE29-25170936E383.jpeg
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
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729F0558-B4B4-4ECF-BDA5-E9D3325FB8E6.png
E8E9D9C2-858D-41A2-B1AF-649A006B9256.png


8DECB5C5-342B-40C8-9C71-44D76B6A5891.png
 

Matata

Ideal_Rock
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Sep 10, 2003
Messages
6,398
Screen Shot 2018-04-03 at 11.33.32 AM.png
 
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