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Got any jokes?

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Joined
Apr 30, 2005
Messages
26,970
The maid asked for a pay rise.

The lady of the house asked, “Anna, why do you want more pay?”
Anna: “Well, Ma’am, there are three reasons. First, I clean better than you do.”
Wife: “Who said that?”
Anna: “Your husband.”
Wife: “Really?”

Anna: “The second reason is that I am better cook than you are.”
Wife: “Who said that?”
Anna: “Your husband.”
Wife increasingly angry, “Oh he did, did he?”

Anna: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”
Anna: “No Ma’am, the gardener did.”

Wife: “So, how much do you want?”
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
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Messages
26,970
Reaching retirement age this guy went to the Social Security office to register.
The woman who interviewed him asked for his I.D.
He panicked, realizing he'd forgotten his wallet.

"That's all right," she said. "Just open your shirt a few buttons."
Perplexed, he undid a couple of buttons and she said, "I can see that your chest hair is gray...that's good enough for me."
So he was successfully registered.

When he told his wife all this she responded, "You should have unzipped your pants. You could have gotten Disability."
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 30, 2005
Messages
26,970
Here's a Groaner.

Screen Shot 2017-11-16 at 12.34.07 PM.png
 

canuk-gal

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 19, 2004
Messages
19,595
Luv em! :lol-2:
 

Gabbycat

Shiny_Rock
Premium
Joined
Nov 6, 2011
Messages
191
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted. (assaulted; get it?)


A guy walks into a drugstore and tells the pharmacist he has a really bad cough. He asks the pharmacist what to take for it, and the pharmacist gives him a bottle of medicine. After the man leaves, a different pharmacist says in shock to the first one, "That was a laxative that you gave him!" The first pharmacist replies, "I know, but now he'll be too afraid to cough." (Joke courtesy of my father.)
 

mrs-b

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 18, 2013
Messages
6,106
Barry returned from a doctor’s visit one day and told his wife Carol that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course, she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, “Darling, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?” Carol agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carol’s shoulder and said, “Carol...please? Just one more time before I die?” She agreed, and then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, lay there awake and listened to the clock ticking in his head, tossing and turning until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. “Dearest, I only have four hours left! Could we…?”
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, “Listen, I’m not being funny Barry, but one of us has to get up in the morning!”
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 30, 2005
Messages
26,970
:mrgreen:
 

december-fire

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 3, 2013
Messages
2,346
:lol-2:
 

december-fire

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 3, 2013
Messages
2,346
A buddhist walks into a pizzeria and says "Make me one with everything."
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 30, 2005
Messages
26,970
I went to the florist today, but he didn't know a thing about floors.

If that wasn't bad enough, he looked at me like I was the idiot. :nono:
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 30, 2005
Messages
26,970
I was driving with my wife when she said, "You missed a right."

I said "Thank you, baby. How sweet. And you're Mrs. Right!"
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 30, 2005
Messages
26,970
Ranch Hand: There are 18 sheep.
Ranch owner: Round ‘em up!

Ranch Hand: Okay, there are 20 sheep.
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 30, 2005
Messages
26,970
A Spanish magician told his audience he would disappear on the count of three.

He starts to count...
Uno!
Dos!
POOF!


He vanished without a tres.
 
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kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 30, 2005
Messages
26,970
Screen Shot 2018-01-12 at 10.12.59 PM.png
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 8, 2008
Messages
27,456
I missed the Golden Globes this year but it was filled with timely jokes. Here is a sampling for those of you who want to laugh and laugh. Funny.:lol:

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/arts-and-entertainment/wp/2018/01/07/golden-globes-read-seth-meyerss-complete-monologue-from-weinstein-burns-to-trump-jokes/?utm_term=.a8d05e3bf3f0

A few choice bits.

"Golden Globes: Seth Meyers roasts Trump, Weinstein and more (with an assist from Amy Poehler)"



"And we’re all here tonight courtesy of the Hollywood Foreign Press. Yeah, give it up for the Hollywood Foreign Press. A string of three words that could not have been better designed to infuriate our president. Hollywood Foreign Press. The only name that would make him angrier would be the Hillary Mexico Salad Association."



“‘The Shape of Water’ received the most nominations of any film this year. Just an incredibly beautiful film. But I have to admit, when I first heard about a film where a naive young woman falls in love with a disgusting sea monster, I thought, ‘Oh, man, not another Woody Allen movie.'”


There’s a new era under way, I can tell, because it’s been years since a white man was this nervous in Hollywood. By the way, a special hello to hosts of other upcoming awards shows who are watching me tonight like the first dog they shot into outer space.



For the male nominees in the room tonight, this is the first time in three months it won’t be terrifying to hear your name read out loud. “Did you hear about Willem Dafoe?” “Oh, God, no.” “He was nominated!” “Don’t do that! Don’t do that.”
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 30, 2005
Messages
26,970
... "You just happened to catch my eye." :lol:
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 30, 2005
Messages
26,970
That's Sofa King funny! :lol:
 
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jordyonbass

Brilliant_Rock
Trade
Joined
Dec 6, 2014
Messages
1,633
The kids ones are definitely the funniest, especially the last young kid!

'I'm a bit young but I'd love to try a dickens cider!!'

The outtakes at the end are great, the guy is almost in tears :lol::lol:
 
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missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 8, 2008
Messages
27,456
@jordyonbass many thanks-too funny not to share right? :lol:
@kenny haha sofa king funny, so true.:lol:
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 30, 2005
Messages
26,970
... and now for some sophisticated high-brow humor ...

Celery.png

Read the comment.

TP.png
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 30, 2005
Messages
26,970
Screen Shot 2018-01-21 at 12.16.10 PM.png
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 30, 2005
Messages
26,970
When I put on the hospital gown I knew the end was in sight.


If Russia attacked Turkey from behind, would Greece help?


Screen Shot 2018-01-22 at 12.36.08 AM.png


Here's why they don't send my wife into space.
...
"Houston, we have a problem."
"What is the problem?"

:angryfire:"WELL - IF YOU DON'T KNOW I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU!":angryfire:

Screen Shot 2018-01-22 at 12.42.45 AM.png
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 30, 2005
Messages
26,970
I was at a restaurant today and a waitress screamed out,"Does anyone know CPR?!"
I yelled back, " CPR? ... Hell, I know the entire alphabet!"

Everyone laughed, except this one guy.
 
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kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 30, 2005
Messages
26,970
Last night I dreamed that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
I was, like, 0mg!

Two blondes were walking down the street.
One blonde said "Awww, look at that poor dog with only one eye!"
The other blonde covered one of his eyes and said, "Where?"

The ranch hand says, "There are 37 sheep."
The rancher tells him to round ‘em up!
The ranch hand replies, "There are 40 sheep."
 
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