Got any jokes?

[missy]

A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he asks.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she replies.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explains.

She looks satisfied and apologizes.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he comes to, he says, "What was that for?"

"YOUR HORSE PHONED!"

 

[kenny]

 

[kenny]

 

[missy]

 

[missy]

 

[missy]

 

[missy]

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
Officer: Age?
Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays.
Officer: Height?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
OFFICER : Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
OFFICER : Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think.
OFFICER : Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.
OFFICER : What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
OFFICER : What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
OFFICER : What kind of truck was it?
Husband : A 2017, manufactured September 16th, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 .with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires.
It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.
OFFICER: Take it easy sir.
We'll find your truck.

 

[missy]

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.
They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."
The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature. He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.
"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"
The devil realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth. He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement. He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"
They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won the cup!

 

[kenny]

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
Officer: Age?
Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays.
Officer: Height?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
OFFICER : Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
OFFICER : Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think.
OFFICER : Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.
OFFICER : What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
OFFICER : What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
OFFICER : What kind of truck was it?
Husband : A 2017, manufactured September 16th, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 .with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires.
It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.
OFFICER: Take it easy sir.
We'll find your truck.

LOL!

My SO is SOOOO into cars and trucks that some day he and the police will duplicate this interview.

 

[missy]

 

[kenny]

I went to a child psychologist.
She was 4 years old.

 

[kenny]

The name of the new food home delivery service for Hooters is ..... Knockers.

 

[kenny]

I must be a really hot babe ... every time I go to a store a cashier invariably checks me out.

 

[missy]

Which bird has the worst manners?

Mocking birds.



What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.



How does NASA organize a party?

They planet.




How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh?

Ten tickles.




What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

 

[kenny]

Love the groaners.

 

[Cluless]

 

[Garnetgirl]

5 Riddles... THE ANSWERS ARE AT THE BOTTOM. RIDDLE 5 IS AMAZING. IT SHARPENS THOSE GENES IN YOUR BRAIN AND STALLS ALZHEIMER'S FOR YEARS …. 1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him? - / - 2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be? - / - 3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away ? - / - 4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday? - / - 5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching! THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW: Answers: 1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy, right? 2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung). 3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing. 4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow! 5. The letter "e" which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

 

[Garnetgirl]

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE PETS, THIS IS A TRUE STORY. FOR THOSE THAT DON'T, IT IS A TRUE STORY. The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door. Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes on the floor with the paw prints are yours and contain your food The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate does not mean that is is suddenly your food, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the top of the stairs is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It Is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space that you are taking up, is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required. The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door: TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS: (1) They live here. You don't. (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture. (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. (4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly. Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they: (1) eat less, (2) don't ask for money all the time, (3) are easier to train, (4) normally come when called, (5) never ask to drive the car, (6) don't hang out with drug-using people; (7) don't smoke or drink, ( don't want to wear your clothes, (9) don't have to buy the latest fashions, (10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and (11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children..​

Sorry, I can't seem to get rid of the blank text boxes

 

[kenny]

Your headaches are all in your head.

 

[missy]

 

[missy]

 

[kenny]

 

[missy]

 

[missy]

 

[kenny]

Whew, dodged a bullet here.

 

[missy]

Whew, dodged a bullet here.

 

[kenny]

The macabre can be funny too.

 

[kenny]

Cashier asks, "May I see your ID for the wine?"
So I show my license.

Cashier, "Okay fine. I see the 1."
Me, "The 1???"
Cashier, "Yeah, now we only have to look at the first digit of your birth year."

 

[Jambalaya]

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No-eye deer!


What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no-eye deer!


What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fshhhhhh!

 

[missy]

Optometrist sharing his experience one day with a patient.

“Allow me to set the scene. I’m examining a patient’s contact lenses behind the slit lamp. She’s an attractive 30-something female. We’re both wearing masks and separated by a polycarbonate divider.

Me: “You don’t sleep in them, right?”
Her: “What? No.”
Me: “Ok, good.”
Her: “How did you know?”
Me: “I didn’t. I was just asking.”
Her: “But why would you ask that?”
Me: “Just curious. Making sure you’re being smart.”
Her: “Sleeping with men is not smart?”
*Awkward silence*
Me: “What’s that, now?”
Her: “You asked me if I sleep with men.”
Me: “Uh, no. I asked if you SLEEP IN THEM. Your contacts.”
Her: Mortified

“