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Garnetgirl

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 7, 2014
Messages
548
Race to the End

Last year I entered a marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.

The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"

I replied, "You really want to know?"

Then I dropped out of the race.
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 8, 2008
Messages
33,799
How to negotiate with your cat.

F6FE7967-903A-4E44-AD12-A6AC5B7B82FB.jpeg


How to keep from touching your face/nose/eyes and stay safe from Coronavirus

8872894D-263A-4F09-8DA5-8E257345162F.jpeg
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 8, 2008
Messages
33,799
4BB7AE57-B63D-4EB4-8B15-8ABC974A1545.jpeg

Drug cartels switch over to making Purell hand sanitizer.

:lol:
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 8, 2008
Messages
33,799
A COVID_19 pathogen arrived at the pearly gates.
“Why should I let you in?” said St Peter.
“Well,” said the pathogen, thinking, “most people recovered from me, so I wasn’t really that dangerous.”
“Oh, come on!” said St Peter. “That could be said of almost any disease, and, frankly, we actually have quite a lot of people here that you did shuffle off earth! You’ll need a better reason than that for me to let you in!”
“Hmmm,” said the virus. “A lot of schools and businesses closed down for a while, and as a result, lots of families spent more time together!”
“That’s as may be,” said St Peter, unconvinced. “But as a result, a lot of children ended up spending hours and hours of extra time on the internet and some of them were forever just a little more dumb than when you first turned up! You’ll need something better than that!”
“Ok,” said COVID. “How about this? Since so much travel was cancelled, there was a lot less air pollution! You must have noticed that up here, surely? That has to count for something!”
“A little, yes,” said St Peter. “But to be honest, Covid, we have angels here who do that sort of thing. Haven’t you noticed how clean the clouds are? I’m sorry, you’re going to have to do better than that.”
Covid, somewhat discouraged now, went and sat down a short distance away from the pearly gates. He thought and thought, and finally a huge smile spread across his face. He trotted back to St Peter.
“I’ve got it!” he cried. “You’re going to HAVE to let me in now!”
“Ok, let’s hear it,” said St Peter, skeptical.
“Well, it took 9 months, but I managed to get Satan out of the White House!”
“Come on in,” said St Peter.
 

YadaYadaYada

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 2, 2016
Messages
5,889
A husband and wife sit down to dinner the wife turns to him and says "Gee, it's hot in here".

The husband replies:

"Someone should tell that to the dinner"
 

Jimmianne

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Dec 9, 2013
Messages
6,042
A husband asks his wife, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."

"If I died and you remarried," the husband asks, "would he live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess he would."

"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house," the husband asks, "would he sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess he would."

"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house and slept in our bed, would he use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no!" the wife replies. "He's left-handed!
 

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 30, 2005
Messages
28,128
:naughty: but LOL! :lol-2:
 

canuk-gal

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 19, 2004
Messages
20,544
A plane with 5 passengers on board -- Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, the Pope and a 10-year-old schoolgirl -- is about to crash, and there are only 4 parachutes. Trump declares, "I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and I'm the only one who can solve the pandemic!" He grabs one parachute and jumps. Boris Johnson says, "I’m needed to sort out the COVID-19 mess in Britain." He takes a parachute and jumps. The Pope says, "The world's Catholics depend on me for comfort in a time of fear." He takes a chute and jumps.
"You can have the last parachute," Angela Merkel says to the 10-year-old. "I've lived my life. Yours is only just starting." The little girl replies: "Don’t worry, there are two parachutes left. The smartest man in the USA just took my backpack."
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 8, 2008
Messages
33,799
There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 8, 2008
Messages
33,799
Too funny to not share!

> - My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
> - Jewish Irony: Passover canceled because of a plague.
> - Many parents are just about to discover the teacher is not the problem.
> - Sneezes went from bless you to f*ck you real quick.
> - First time in history we can save the human race by laying in front of the TV and doing nothing. Let's not screw it up.
> - Reminder: 9pm is the time to remove your day pajamas and put your night pajamas on.
> - My cleaning lady just messaged to say she will be working from home and will send me instructions on what to do.
 

Rockdiamond

Ideal_Rock
Trade
Joined
Jan 7, 2009
Messages
8,169
A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen. He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder:

"Ma nishtana ha layla ha zeh mi kol ha laylot."

Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"
 

Rockdiamond

Ideal_Rock
Trade
Joined
Jan 7, 2009
Messages
8,169
A linguist dies. At his funeral a fellow academic asks the wife “ May I say a word”?
She agrees
He stands up and says “Plethora”

“That means a lot” replies the tearful wife
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 8, 2008
Messages
33,799
Screen Shot 2020-04-08 at 10.18.58 AM.png
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 8, 2008
Messages
33,799
My DH made up a joke.

If Elijah shows up for Passover dinner do you call the cops because he broke quarantine?

:lol:
 
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