friends without kids

[vespergirl]

I think her comment was extremely rude and I don't blame you one bit for being offended and hurt. I would probably just let this one go but if she ever says anything nasty again I would let her know I don't appreciate her comments and she should keep them to herself. I'm sorry she said that to you, she was out of line.

Ditto what Junebug said ...

 

[vespergirl]

I am childless and go back and forth like that. I think it is normal. No one, NO ONE, thinks your kids are as adorable as you do and you can't expect them to. Sometimes I go about muttering "I loathe children" in earshot of the misbehaving snowflake's parents and sometime I think I am ready to have kids next year. So please just don't be offended, kids just hit a nerve with some of us crotchety non-breeders when we are already having a bad day.

This seems a bit odd to me.

I don't think this is a situation where the OP believes her children are perfect angels. As China said you don't need to have children to know what is rude and what is acceptable. I think if you are going around purposely making these comments then that is very rude.

I'm glad someone else said it first, because I wasn't sure to make of it. You really mutter "I loathe children" within earshot of parents? Why?

I always think it's really sad when people say they loathe children - don't they remember that they once were children themselves? That they weren't being the child-loating adults they are today if they weren't children first? I would hate getting to a point in my life where I couldn't remember what it was like to be a child - how sad.

And, just for the record, I am one of those people who only loves to be around my own kids - I'm not like a preschool teacher who loves all kids. Having kids may not be for everyone, but feeling "loathing" for children in extreme.

 

[zoebartlett]

Kelpie, how could you ask someone not to be offended when you say that you loathe children, especially within earshot of their parents? Of COURSE I'd be offended (and I'm not even a parent). I know that not everyone likes kids, but come on, that's really rude to say.

 

[TravelingGal]

I don't loathe children. But I do loathe some parents.

The other day though, I realize that kids just aren't for some people. I was at checkout and Amelia was right at my side and said "Hi!" to the cashier. The older woman next to me actually shot Amelia a dirty look. For saying hi! Amelia walked closer to the woman and the woman gave her a sideways look again. I asked my daughter to come back and stand next to me, but geez...this woman really didnt' seem to like children at ALL.

 

[jas]

I don't loathe children. But I do loathe some parents.

The other day though, I realize that kids just aren't for some people. I was at checkout and Amelia was right at my side and said "Hi!" to the cashier. The older woman next to me actually shot Amelia a dirty look. For saying hi! Amelia walked closer to the woman and the woman gave her a sideways look again. I asked my daughter to come back and stand next to me, but geez...this woman really didnt' seem to like children at ALL.

Maybe the older woman thought Amelia was calling the cashier "high." Hey, I dunno where you shop.

 

[ksinger]

My first response would likely be that if my kids were being so annoying that someone blurted out something like that, I would be embarrassed, and say "OMG, what is he/she doing?? If only one person is saying it, how many are thinking it?

If that same person had observed that your children were extremely well-behaved, would it have elicited the same response? It's still just an observation. What's pissing you off is that it reflects negatively on you. As it should. Everyone gets all bent out of shape about the negative comments, but sometimes those are far more instructive. WERE your kids being awful? Is it any less rude of you to expect your friends to put up with your children when they are, as you say, "being a handful"? Perhaps it was time for either some discipline, or perhaps it was simply time to go home.

 

[TravelingGal]

My first response would likely be that if my kids were being so annoying that someone blurted out something like that, I would be embarrassed, and say "OMG, what is he/she doing?? If only one person is saying it, how many are thinking it?

If that same person had observed that your children were extremely well-behaved, would it have elicited the same response? It's still just an observation. What's pissing you off is that it reflects negatively on you. As it should. Everyone gets all bent out of shape about the negative comments, but sometimes those are far more instructive. WERE your kids being awful? Is it any less rude of you to expect your friends to put up with your children when they are, as you say, "being a handful"? Perhaps it was time for either some discipline, or perhaps it was simply time to go home.

You said what I said better. It was still not nice of her to make it personal...a simple, "Can you please get control of your children" would have sufficed, but your thought was mine exactly.

A few of my friends have VERY unruly sons. I know this is because in their case, it's parenting (and genetics of course...boys ARE different from girls). Still, I don't say, "THANK GOD I DON'T HAVE A SON!" When asked, I just smile and say I am happy to have my daughter.

 

[TravelingGal]

I don't loathe children. But I do loathe some parents.

The other day though, I realize that kids just aren't for some people. I was at checkout and Amelia was right at my side and said "Hi!" to the cashier. The older woman next to me actually shot Amelia a dirty look. For saying hi! Amelia walked closer to the woman and the woman gave her a sideways look again. I asked my daughter to come back and stand next to me, but geez...this woman really didnt' seem to like children at ALL.

Maybe the older woman thought Amelia was calling the cashier "high." Hey, I dunno where you shop.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Would depend on the friend I guess. With some friends who I know care about me and respect me and my kids, after a bad day, I would reply "My kids make me not want kids sometimes!" With other friends, where their intentions are less clear, I would be very offended and would probably not see them much in the future.

 

[ksinger]

My first response would likely be that if my kids were being so annoying that someone blurted out something like that, I would be embarrassed, and say "OMG, what is he/she doing?? If only one person is saying it, how many are thinking it?

If that same person had observed that your children were extremely well-behaved, would it have elicited the same response? It's still just an observation. What's pissing you off is that it reflects negatively on you. As it should. Everyone gets all bent out of shape about the negative comments, but sometimes those are far more instructive. WERE your kids being awful? Is it any less rude of you to expect your friends to put up with your children when they are, as you say, "being a handful"? Perhaps it was time for either some discipline, or perhaps it was simply time to go home.

You said what I said better. It was still not nice of her to make it personal...a simple, "Can you please get control of your children" would have sufficed, but your thought was mine exactly.

A few of my friends have VERY unruly sons. I know this is because in their case, it's parenting (and genetics of course...boys ARE different from girls). Still, I don't say, "THANK GOD I DON'T HAVE A SON!" When asked, I just smile and say I am happy to have my daughter.

Oh, I doubt "would you please control your children" would go over much better. It's always less about the actual children than the implied criticism of the parents. That's the core of it. It may not have been as "nicely" phrased as the other, but criticism is hard to take no matter how it is phrased.

All children misbehave. Sometimes publically. And even those of us who don't have the mystical knowing that comes with childbirth understand that and have sympathy for the harried parent. However, what most people, whether they have children or not, react to negatively, is parents who appear oblivious to the behavior and/or who do nothing to mitigate it.

 

[TravelingGal]

My first response would likely be that if my kids were being so annoying that someone blurted out something like that, I would be embarrassed, and say "OMG, what is he/she doing?? If only one person is saying it, how many are thinking it?

If that same person had observed that your children were extremely well-behaved, would it have elicited the same response? It's still just an observation. What's pissing you off is that it reflects negatively on you. As it should. Everyone gets all bent out of shape about the negative comments, but sometimes those are far more instructive. WERE your kids being awful? Is it any less rude of you to expect your friends to put up with your children when they are, as you say, "being a handful"? Perhaps it was time for either some discipline, or perhaps it was simply time to go home.

You said what I said better. It was still not nice of her to make it personal...a simple, "Can you please get control of your children" would have sufficed, but your thought was mine exactly.

A few of my friends have VERY unruly sons. I know this is because in their case, it's parenting (and genetics of course...boys ARE different from girls). Still, I don't say, "THANK GOD I DON'T HAVE A SON!" When asked, I just smile and say I am happy to have my daughter.

Oh, I doubt "would you please control your children" would go over much better. It's always less about the actual children than the implied criticism of the parents. That's the core of it. It may not have been as "nicely" phrased as the other, but criticism is hard to take no matter how it is phrased.

All children misbehave. Sometimes publically. And even those of us who don't have the mystical knowing that comes with childbirth understand that and have sympathy for the harried parent. However, what most people, whether they have children or not, react to negatively, is parents who appear oblivious to the behavior and/or who do nothing to mitigate it.

Well speaking personally, it would go over better for me. The first means my children are misbehaving and are putting some people out. The second makes it personal...that boy, it's too bad that YOU have to have kids like that and I am glad that I don't.

I generally agree with what you are saying. Parents are too often, simply oblivious.

 

[fieryred33143]

I can't speak for OP because I don't know what would offend her or not. But I can say that for me, there are ways of saying it without coming across rudely or offensively. People tolerate the behaviors of children differently and it's sometimes hard to gauge whether your child is being the annoying kid that makes childless couples praise up above that they don't have to deal with it. I often find myself apologizing for my daughter's behavior and being looked at funny because the person/people don't see anything wrong. I've also been in situations where I think that she's just being a kid and people seem to be annoyed (like when we're at the supermarket and we pass by an area that has an echo to which she does short yells to hear the echo).

I also agree with Vesper that I find it a bit sad when people are instantly annoyed with children. Sophia likes to smile at everyone, especially adults (she doesn't care too much about other infants). If she's sitting in the seat of a cart, she'll play peek-a-boo with the person behind me. And she likes to wave or point. Some people love it and will play with her while others are clearly very annoyed with it. Then of course I'm left wondering if it's annoying that she's waving and pointing at the person? Do I have that kid?

 

[steph72276]

My first response would likely be that if my kids were being so annoying that someone blurted out something like that, I would be embarrassed, and say "OMG, what is he/she doing?? If only one person is saying it, how many are thinking it?

If that same person had observed that your children were extremely well-behaved, would it have elicited the same response? It's still just an observation. What's pissing you off is that it reflects negatively on you. As it should. Everyone gets all bent out of shape about the negative comments, but sometimes those are far more instructive. WERE your kids being awful? Is it any less rude of you to expect your friends to put up with your children when they are, as you say, "being a handful"? Perhaps it was time for either some discipline, or perhaps it was simply time to go home.

You said what I said better. It was still not nice of her to make it personal...a simple, "Can you please get control of your children" would have sufficed, but your thought was mine exactly.

A few of my friends have VERY unruly sons. I know this is because in their case, it's parenting (and genetics of course...boys ARE different from girls). Still, I don't say, "THANK GOD I DON'T HAVE A SON!" When asked, I just smile and say I am happy to have my daughter.

Awesome, I must have hit the genetic jackpot b/c my son is very well behaved about 95% of the time. Of course, I DO think it has to do with parenting...I've seen just as many unruly girls as boys.

 

[Dreamer_D]

When I see a child being a wild miscreant and the parents are just sitting reading a book, or have headphones on watching the movie on the plane, or say in a weak voice "oh stop it.. here is a cookie" then I think all sorts of evil thoughts.

When I see a child being a wild miscreant and the parents are working really hard to tame them, correcting bad behaviour quickly, and following through on what they say, then I think nothing of the child's behaviour!

My point is that I think all kids have those days, and some kids more than others -- TGal, I suspect that Hunter would give you a run for your money some days There is a dose of luck to what type of personality your kid has, but no matter what, as a parent, you can be active and energetic in your parenting or you can give up completely. I fogive the kids, they don't know better, and I forgive parents who are working hard despite their kids best efforts to destroy everything in sight, but I am critical of the passive parent.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I can't speak for OP because I don't know what would offend her or not. But I can say that for me, there are ways of saying it without coming across rudely or offensively. People tolerate the behaviors of children differently and it's sometimes hard to gauge whether your child is being the annoying kid that makes childless couples praise up above that they don't have to deal with it. I often find myself apologizing for my daughter's behavior and being looked at funny because the person/people don't see anything wrong. I've also been in situations where I think that she's just being a kid and people seem to be annoyed (like when we're at the supermarket and we pass by an area that has an echo to which she does short yells to hear the echo).

I also agree with Vesper that I find it a bit sad when people are instantly annoyed with children. Sophia likes to smile at everyone, especially adults (she doesn't care too much about other infants). If she's sitting in the seat of a cart, she'll play peek-a-boo with the person behind me. And she likes to wave or point. Some people love it and will play with her while others are clearly very annoyed with it. Then of course I'm left wondering if it's annoying that she's waving and pointing at the person? Do I have that kid?

The highlighted makes me think of our flight we just took. We just flew accross the coutry with our 17 month old. On the first trip, we did not have the car seat and our son cried, writhed around, and moaned for about 2 hours of the trip. We did our darndest to distract him and it was the hardest work we have done in a two hour period! Afterwards, within my ear shot, one woman pointedly complimented the woman across the aisle on her angelic well behaved kids (aged 6 months and 3 years Peace of cake flying with those ages!). Another woman told my husband that we did an amazing job with our son. He was of course a perfect angel on the return flight when we had a car seat

 

[TravelingGal]

My first response would likely be that if my kids were being so annoying that someone blurted out something like that, I would be embarrassed, and say "OMG, what is he/she doing?? If only one person is saying it, how many are thinking it?

If that same person had observed that your children were extremely well-behaved, would it have elicited the same response? It's still just an observation. What's pissing you off is that it reflects negatively on you. As it should. Everyone gets all bent out of shape about the negative comments, but sometimes those are far more instructive. WERE your kids being awful? Is it any less rude of you to expect your friends to put up with your children when they are, as you say, "being a handful"? Perhaps it was time for either some discipline, or perhaps it was simply time to go home.

You said what I said better. It was still not nice of her to make it personal...a simple, "Can you please get control of your children" would have sufficed, but your thought was mine exactly.

A few of my friends have VERY unruly sons. I know this is because in their case, it's parenting (and genetics of course...boys ARE different from girls). Still, I don't say, "THANK GOD I DON'T HAVE A SON!" When asked, I just smile and say I am happy to have my daughter.

Awesome, I must have hit the genetic jackpot b/c my son is very well behaved about 95% of the time. Of course, I DO think it has to do with parenting...I've seen just as many unruly girls as boys.

I TOTALLY agree. In fact, the WORST I've seen are girls. I do think the majority is parenting, but I do give leeway to parents with boys a bit just because I think they seem to have a different energy than girls.

 

[steph72276]

Oh I know TGal, just kidding with ya really...should have added the to the end! But yeah, they definitely have energy...I have to allot several hours a day to getting all his energy out (park, bounce houses, swimming, etc) so he won't take his energy out on my furniture instead!

 

[sillyberry]

I've probably been that rude person (although not that direct) - I know I've said "I don't know how you do it!" when a friend of mine is alone with her bouncy active little boy and her newborn who constantly needs to be fed and changed because I was ready to pass out from exhaustion after a few hours. I'm really not thinking I want kids, but this thread has made me make doubly sure that I don't say anything that could be construed as critical. So thanks for making me more aware of how I might be perceived!!! (I'm not being sarcastic at all just in case it comes across that way)

 

[TravelingGal]

I've probably been that rude person (although not that direct) - I know I've said "I don't know how you do it!" when a friend of mine is alone with her bouncy active little boy and her newborn who constantly needs to be fed and changed because I was ready to pass out from exhaustion after a few hours. I'm really not thinking I want kids, but this thread has made me make doubly sure that I don't say anything that could be construed as critical. So thanks for making me more aware of how I might be perceived!!! (I'm not being sarcastic at all just in case it comes across that way)

If I were your friend, I'd take that as a compliment.

 

[Sha]

Kelpie, how could you ask someone not to be offended when you say that you loathe children, especially within earshot of their parents? Of COURSE I'd be offended (and I'm not even a parent). I know that not everyone likes kids, but come on, that's really rude to say.

Ditto to this and the above. Not liking children or or 'not having a good day' doesn't give you a pass to say whatever you want and think it's ok.

 

[qtiekiki]

I can understand why someone would be offended by the comment. But if someone said that to me, I would probably be more embarrassed than offended. I guess it's because I see myself as being responsible for my kids' actions, regardless of the circumstances. I would feel embarrassed, even if I was trying to get Meena to behave.

A little bit of a hijack
Just like yesterday, we were at Loehmann's and DH had to run back to the car to get his phone. I was there with J in the stroller and M walking. She was fine, and then all of a sudden she started running through the rack. I was so embarrassed. I grabbed her and told her to hold my hand, which she refused. So I told her that she can't run around if she doesn't want to hold hand, and she said ok. That lasted a minute, and she ran off again. I,then, picked her up, and she was wiggling to get down. It was tough while still holding onto the stroller. I feel like everyone in our proximity was looking at me. I don't know if they were, but it sure feels like it. Finally DH came back, maybe 5 mins later (feels a lot longer). And we just left the store. I wanted to leave the store when she started acting up, but I didn't think it was safe to have her run away from me on the sidewalk and the possibility of her running onto a busy street. So I waited for DH. What would you have done in my situation? Or is there a better way to treat the situation?

And Tgal, M is just as bad as the boys. Maybe it's because she plays with our nephews all day. No girl cousins.

 

[Haven]

I also agree with Vesper that I find it a bit sad when people are instantly annoyed with children. Sophia likes to smile at everyone, especially adults (she doesn't care too much about other infants). If she's sitting in the seat of a cart, she'll play peek-a-boo with the person behind me. And she likes to wave or point. Some people love it and will play with her while others are clearly very annoyed with it. Then of course I'm left wondering if it's annoying that she's waving and pointing at the person? Do I have that kid?

Some people are just miserable. I walk all over my neighborhood with the dog and when I see people I wave and say some friendly greeting or other. About half of the people respond quickly and keep moving, a quarter of them flat out ignore me, and the last quarter looks very offended (some way or another) that I made contact. HEAVEN FORBID A NEIGHBOR SAYS HELLO! Anyway, it seems like some people are just super unhappy, and any type of personal contact, a wave or a smile, just pisses them off.

I don't think you have that kid. I think you're around unhappy people.

We were driving through the city this weekend and we kept stopping at red lights next to a car with three kids in it. They were all boys, probably around age six or seven, and they were hilarious. First, they played peek-a-boo with us. Then they pulled their shirts over their heads and randomly yelled "PINTO BEANS!" When their car turned and we kept on straight they waved goodbye. We were laughing so hard, they were hilarious. Maybe I'll yell PINTO BEANS! at the next neighbor who ignores my friendly greeting.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Please don't hate me, but honestly, I really don't like children. It's not that I hate or loathe them. And there are children I DO like. But as I said to my best friends the other day (one who is an elem. school teacher and LOVES kids, and one who really does loathe them), that it seems that people tend to fall into two categories:

1) Generally, they love children, with one or two exceptions for very very bad kids; or
2) Generally, they dislike children, with one or two exceptions for very cute/adorable/personal connection kids.

I fall into category two.

However, I don't go around making nasty comments to parents about their misbehaving kids. And I really do feel sympathy for those poor parents who are doing everything they can to keep their kids quiet (say on a flight) and just isn't working. That's when I put on my earphones, think quietly, "Thank goodness I'm not a parent," and let it go. Of course, parents who don't make an effort to control their children in public places - totally different story.

But regardless of any of our views on liking kids, I think we all agree that it was pretty rude of the OP's friend to actually say what she said aloud (or at the very least, very thought- and filter-less).

 

[hlmr]

I had a "friend" (our husbands are friends) tell me that my kids make her grateful she doesn't have any. Granted my kids were being a handful (they had been at a festival all day in the sun with no nap)....but would this offend you? What would you have said. I found it strange since the last time we hung out she was telling me how every time she watched "Baby Story" and the like she feels her clock tickin'. Her husband also told my husband that she kept broaching the topic (having kids) with him....but he didn't feel he was ready. What's your opinion?

I think the rude comment stems from her trying to convince herself that she is better off at present being childless. She wants them, but her husband is not ready, so she is searching for reasons why she is better off not having them. Your kids being a handful simply fit the bill for her rationale at that moment. I would try not to take it personally. I know many adults who don't behave very well after a day of sun and stimulation, so why should your kids be perfect?

 

[charbie]

While I think it was a bit rude, I cannot tell you how many times my friends/family with kids have said, "we need to get you away from our kids or else you'll never have any." Or something to that regard. I think it is a very common thing to say if it isn't done with mean intent. This weekend we were with my husband's cousins and their three year old (talk about a handful....everyone comments about the poor behavior of this child) and he was having a meltdown. I took one look at his cousin and said, "I'm never having children." Of course I was laughing, and she said, "I'm never having another one. Enjoy your time and don't let anyone tell you to have kids too soon!!"

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

I had a "friend" (our husbands are friends) tell me that my kids make her grateful she doesn't have any. Granted my kids were being a handful (they had been at a festival all day in the sun with no nap)....but would this offend you? What would you have said. I found it strange since the last time we hung out she was telling me how every time she watched "Baby Story" and the like she feels her clock tickin'. Her husband also told my husband that she kept broaching the topic (having kids) with him....but he didn't feel he was ready. What's your opinion?

I think the rude comment stems from her trying to convince herself that she is better off at present being childless. She wants them, but her husband is not ready, so she is searching for reasons why she is better off not having them. Your kids being a handful simply fit the bill for her rationale at that moment. I would try not to take it personally. I know many adults who don't behave very well after a day of sun and stimulation, so why should your kids be perfect?

I agree with this. I am often going back and forth over whether or not to have another child (my daughter is 10) and being around my sisters kids always makes me feel that i am probably better off not having any more children and the more time i spend with them the more I come away feeling grateful that i don't. My sister often jokes about it too (not that i have ever said it, but she 'knows') and says that if i ever get the itch to have another one to go and baby sit hers for the day. (Don't get me wrong, they can be great kids and i love them dearly but boy they can be a handful!! )

I think your friend just went one step further by voicing it.

 

[ksinger]

Amazing. Simply amazing. All the focus on the OTHER person - that mean, rude, child-hating witch. How DARE she!!! Not one word about the kids. No look in the mirror. Let's focus outside of those things we CAN control - like our children perhaps? and focus on that mean other person and how hurt WE are. It's certainly easier than having to pay attention to our kids.

I can't count how many parents making excuses for their children's behavior my husband has heard (teaching middle and highschool) over the years. Or how offended they become when he has the audacity to give them a bad grade or fail them. Their fangs come out. They blame everyone but themselves.

All I know is that people rarely make comments about children's behavior - for the very reason you see here. If they DO make a comment, it is generally because of something pretty over the top. Only the OP knows what was meant by "being a handful", but by that statement she acknowledges that even she observed that they weren't behaving all that well - I don't know if that means they were simply being too loud or playing badminton with the lady's Waterford collection. If they weren't behaving well and she knew it then she was expecting other people to sit there and PUT UP with her admittedly misbehaving kids. A comment should not have been such a shock. The tone of it aside, she can focus on herself and how hurt she is and look for sympathy, or she can work on making sure than no one wishes to comment thus in the future. Her choice.

 

[fieryred33143]

Amazing. Simply amazing. All the focus on the OTHER person - that mean, rude, child-hating witch. How DARE she!!! Not one word about the kids. No look in the mirror. Let's focus outside of those things we CAN control - like our children perhaps? and focus on that mean other person and how hurt WE are. It's certainly easier than having to pay attention to our kids.

ksinger, out of respect for a fellow PSer, I'm not going to assume that her children were terrible monsters that needed immediate discipline AND that she sat around doing nothing about it until she comes back and clarifies. For all we know her children could have been terrible OR they could have just been whiney due to being out in the sun.

The only information we have is that her friend said that the OP children make her grateful she doesn't have any. If she was trying to draw attention to the fact that they needed discipline, then she could have chosen better words. Telling someone that the children they love are reason enough for them not to have any children IS rude and tasteless.

 

[phoenixgirl]

I agree that passive parents are annoying and that parents should do their best to direct and discipline their children so as not to be a nuisance to others. That said, I don't think it's ever appropriate to tell somebody that you'd rather not have kids when viewing theirs.

I guess what I took away from the comment was that if the woman was glad that her hypothetical children didn't exist so they couldn't be hellions like the OP's, then the implication is that we should wish the hellions didn't exist either. I've taught middle and high school too, and I have a million stories about parents not recognizing and causing bad behavior and then trying to blame everyone and everything except themselves, but to me this isn't about that.

In another thread we've been discussing the terrible behavior of our nephews. Mine are terrors (which is directly the fault of their parents who did not implement discipline from the get-go), and I get irritated when I have to spend too much time with them, but I would never suggest that it would be better if they'd never been born. Chances are that they will make it to adulthood no more scathed than the average person, and their parents will have born the brunt of their misbehavior and therefore paid tenfold for the sin of being two "good cops."

So if this is some universal passive-aggressive attempt of non-breeders to alert breeders that their parenting sucks, I would suggest just being direct and addressing the behavior (shouting, pushing, getting into things, whatever) that is bothering you. That would sting a lot less than implying, "Wow! Your kids suck! You must wish they'd never been born! I know I do!" Or if you're around for better or for worse and you want to be a good friend, you could say, "So how are things going? Is it stressful when the boys act this way?" and let her vent about her attempts to correct their behavior and fears that it won't work.

 

[Haven]

Amazing. Simply amazing. All the focus on the OTHER person - that mean, rude, child-hating witch. How DARE she!!! Not one word about the kids. No look in the mirror. Let's focus outside of those things we CAN control - like our children perhaps? and focus on that mean other person and how hurt WE are. It's certainly easier than having to pay attention to our kids.

I can't count how many parents making excuses for their children's behavior my husband has heard (teaching middle and highschool) over the years. Or how offended they become when he has the audacity to give them a bad grade or fail them. Their fangs come out. They blame everyone but themselves.

All I know is that people rarely make comments about children's behavior - for the very reason you see here. If they DO make a comment, it is generally because of something pretty over the top. Only the OP knows what was meant by "being a handful", but by that statement she acknowledges that even she observed that they weren't behaving all that well - I don't know if that means they were simply being too loud or playing badminton with the lady's Waterford collection. If they weren't behaving well and she knew it then she was expecting other people to sit there and PUT UP with her admittedly misbehaving kids. A comment should not have been such a shock. The tone of it aside, she can focus on herself and how hurt she is and look for sympathy, or she can work on making sure than no one wishes to comment thus in the future. Her choice.

I like this and your previous posts on the subject, Ksinger.
While I do think the comment was rude, I agree that the best way to take it would be as a piece of criticism that can be constructive if it was actually "heard."

However, I don't think people can learn anything from criticism until they are ready to hear it. As your husband's experience shows, most parents are not ready to hear anything negative about their own children. They just aren't. I saw the same thing when I taught high school.

I think it's clear that the OP posted because she was hurt by the comment, and wanted people with children to come in to support her vent. The title and the tone of the original post pretty clearly express that she was looking to vent with some good company. I appreciate the need to do that, too.

Of all the parents I've ever met with to share concrete, clear, kindly worded feedback about their child's behavior, none have ever responded by saying anything other than something along the lines of "Well, I'm not sure what you're doing in your classroom, but my son is not like that." And I certainly wasn't rude about my comments, I think they just always take any kind of feedback as a criticism of their parenting. Sometimes it is, and it should be heard, but even under different circumstances (meaning: I wasn't being rude to them) I've never gotten a good response.