friends without kids

[hmr_mama]

I had a "friend" (our husbands are friends) tell me that my kids make her grateful she doesn't have any. Granted my kids were being a handful (they had been at a festival all day in the sun with no nap)....but would this offend you? What would you have said. I found it strange since the last time we hung out she was telling me how every time she watched "Baby Story" and the like she feels her clock tickin'. Her husband also told my husband that she kept broaching the topic (having kids) with him....but he didn't feel he was ready. What's your opinion?

 

[sephil]

Wow! Being honest is always a good thing especially where your friends are concerned, but I personally thought it was rude of her to say that. Even if she was thinking it, she should have kept it to herself. I don't have children yet, but I would be incredibly insulted if it were me. Although, I don't take kindly to people speaking poorly about anyone I care about. I'm sorry your friend said that to you. Perhaps she didn't realize that she put her foot in her mouth and it didn't occur to her that she was basically insulting your children.

 

[fieryred33143]

Wow! Being honest is always a good thing especially where your friends are concerned, but I personally thought it was rude of her to say that. Even if she was thinking it, she should have kept it to herself. I don't have children yet, but I would be incredibly insulted if it were me. Although, I don't take kindly to people speaking poorly about anyone I care about. I'm sorry your friend said that to you. Perhaps she didn't realize that she put her foot in her mouth and it didn't occur to her that she was basically insulting your children.

This exactly! What a rude comment to make. I can maybe justify that coming from a very, very close friend and only if that was the kind of humor between us but from someone that isn't that close of a friend? No way.

 

[Sha]

Ouch! Yes, I would be offended. What did you say? I would probably be a bit taken aback by such a rude comment. Then later on I would probably tell her I didn't appreciate it.

 

[kelpie]

I am childless and go back and forth like that. I think it is normal. No one, NO ONE, thinks your kids are as adorable as you do and you can't expect them to. Sometimes I go about muttering "I loathe children" in earshot of the misbehaving snowflake's parents and sometime I think I am ready to have kids next year. So please just don't be offended, kids just hit a nerve with some of us crotchety non-breeders when we are already having a bad day.

ETA- I do not go about saying that about the children of friends nor do I ever think it...I'm talking about the kid having a meltdown in the restaurant, the kid punching his sister on the bus, or the manic child that runs slamming into you while you are shopping and keeps running without stopping to apologize. Sometimes I am just thinking, "Who raised this child!?!?!" and sometimes I see a parent doing everything in their power to keep the kid cool to no avail.

 

[Nashville]

What's to say? It's hard for most people to relate/understand the dynamics of parenthood if they don't have kids. She probably meant it as an off-handed remark that she should have kept to herself, not a deliberate insult.

I know before I had a baby I'd make comments like "Ugh, why would someone bring a baby to a museum?" Now that I have a baby daughter who LOVES outings to museums, I realize what a dumb comment it was. It's just hard to *get it* when you don't have your own children. Give her a break, I doubt she has a problem with your kids.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

I can totally see why you would find the comment offensive. If I were in your position, I would definitely be a bit miffed!

But as a currently childless person who also doesn't like kids very much, I think she probably just didn't think that comment through. I doubt she intended it as an insult to your or your children - I'm guessing she was just thoughtless of her particular choice of words.

Since she's a friend, I'd let this one go (unless she keeps making those comments over and over, you know?)

 

[junebug17]

I think her comment was extremely rude and I don't blame you one bit for being offended and hurt. I would probably just let this one go but if she ever says anything nasty again I would let her know I don't appreciate her comments and she should keep them to herself. I'm sorry she said that to you, she was out of line.

 

[ChinaCat]

You don't have to like kids to have manners.

Not a crime to think that, but it's a rude thing to say.

 

[Mara]

I think it depends on the friend and how she said it. If you are best friends that can share anything, she is super close with your kids and you know she loves them, and your kid did something CRAZY...and she looked at you and said 'girlllll, he makes me glad i am not a mom yet!' or something like that... I might not take offense. But I would imagine that 99% of the 'scenarios' I could imagine would be rude/sucky/totally inappropriate.

How did you feel when she said that? If you were not offended, don't worry about it and don't feel like you SHOULD be...maybe then you guys have the kind of relationship where she can say whatever and it doesn't matter.

 

[Miss Sparkly]

Sounds like she's jealous that you have kids and she doesn't....

 

[fieryred33143]

I am childless and go back and forth like that. I think it is normal. No one, NO ONE, thinks your kids are as adorable as you do and you can't expect them to. Sometimes I go about muttering "I loathe children" in earshot of the misbehaving snowflake's parents and sometime I think I am ready to have kids next year. So please just don't be offended, kids just hit a nerve with some of us crotchety non-breeders when we are already having a bad day.

This seems a bit odd to me.

I don't think this is a situation where the OP believes her children are perfect angels. As China said you don't need to have children to know what is rude and what is acceptable. I think if you are going around purposely making these comments then that is very rude.

 

[Nashville]

I am childless and go back and forth like that. I think it is normal. No one, NO ONE, thinks your kids are as adorable as you do and you can't expect them to. Sometimes I go about muttering "I loathe children" in earshot of the misbehaving snowflake's parents and sometime I think I am ready to have kids next year. So please just don't be offended, kids just hit a nerve with some of us crotchety non-breeders when we are already having a bad day.

This seems a bit odd to me.

I don't think this is a situation where the OP believes her children are perfect angels. As China said you don't need to have children to know what is rude and what is acceptable. I think if you are going around purposely making these comments then that is very rude.

I'm glad someone else said it first, because I wasn't sure to make of it. You really mutter "I loathe children" within earshot of parents? Why?

 

[ForteKitty]

Her filter probably wasn't on properly that day. I know people who say stuff like that... they just have no filter. Maybe at that given moment your friend really was happy she didn't have to deal with kids of her own. That doesnt mean she didnt want to have kids, period. I dont think you should take it personally. Plenty of people in my age group are on the fence about having kids, so the mental tug of war could have messed up her inside voice. maybe she was hoping you didn't notice.

I always thank my stars that i dont have kids when i hear screamers and stompers at the mall. There are usually plenty of people giving the parents dirty looks already so i dont need to say anything. If i see exceptionally well behaved children, especially at a restaurant, I will go out of my way to compliment the parents. hahaha they probably think i'm nuts.

 

[junebug17]

I think I jumped the gun a little and assumed the OP was upset by the comment, so I apologize for that. It's fine if the comment didn't bother you hmr mama, the person could just have been making a bad joke, but I still think it was wrong for her to voice her thoughts.

ETA: I was also suprised by the "I loathe children" comment made within earshot of the parents. I'm a little taken aback by the negative feelings expressed towards crying children and their parents. Small children cry and fuss sometimes, it's what little kids do when they're tired.

 

[Haven]

Of course she was rude. That's a rude thing to say to someone. I have often *thought* similar things while with my mommy friends, but unless we're in a situation like the one Mara described, I've never said anything about those thoughts out loud! You can bet your bottom dollar that some people who don't have kids yet are going to be horrified when they see other people's children acting very badly in public. I imagine you went through the same thing before you had kids, and I imagine once your friend has children of her own she'll realize that that's just what kids do.

Are you trying to figure out whether to say anything to her? It sounds like you aren't particularly close friends, since you wrote that she's a "friend" and clarified that your husbands are friends. With that situation, it just doesn't sound like she's close enough to worry about clearing the air about her comment.

As for her mixed signals, she's human. People change their minds, but maybe she is expressing some hurt over the fact that she doesn't have children of her own. Who knows? I would regard her mixed signals as a sign that this is perhaps a sore spot for her, and if I were you I wouldn't want to add to any misery she might be feeling. It's very difficult to want children when your SO does not, and you seem to be saying that this is the situation she's in right now. I'd feel compassion for her more than anything else.

 

[TravelingGal]

Sounds like she's jealous that you have kids and she doesn't....

I highly doubt this, and assume you're being tongue in cheek? I mean, I'm a mom and I have seen some kids that make me glad I don't have more than one.

Yes, it was rude. But my guess is that your kids were out of control (since even you admit they were a "handful." To someone who isn't their mother, they were probably a complete PITA). This may have been a not so subtle message from your friend to you to get your kids in line.

But whatever her intention, it certainly wasn't nice and she could have phrased it better.

 

[steph72276]

I would just chalk it up to her putting her foot in her mouth and saying it before she thought. I would just let it go, but if she makes any further rude remarks, let her know it upsets you.

 

[Mara]

LOL I have a kid and I still see lots of kids where I think 'gee I am glad that's not my kid'. But who knows in a year or two IT MAY BE.

 

[swingirl]

Don't be too offend. EVERY kid is a handful. Be proud that you can appreciate your kids when they have been out in the sun and had a busy, exciting day. If she can't take that, then she's going to go nuts when hers (should she have them) are teething, crabby, sassy, sick, hyper, etc. And it's better that she don't have kids because her insensitive nature will make her a lousy parent.

 

[zipzapgirl]

I doubt it was directly personally at you and your children. I think a lot of people go through a waffling stage before they decide to have kids where they are weighing the pros and cons of the life changes that will have to occur. I think she just blurted out her train of thought. Not that it was polite or kind to do so, but I doubt it was meant as an attack.

 

[lulu]

I think it was extremely rude-it was directed at your children.

 

[chemgirl]

I think I jumped the gun a little and assumed the OP was upset by the comment, so I apologize for that. It's fine if the comment didn't bother you hmr mama, the person could just have been making a bad joke, but I still think it was wrong for her to voice her thoughts.

ETA: I was also suprised by the "I loathe children" comment made within earshot of the parents. I'm a little taken aback by the negative feelings expressed towards crying children and their parents. Small children cry and fuss sometimes, it's what little kids do when they're tired.

The "I loathe children" comments are a bit extreme, but I do sometimes think negative thoughts about the parents when their kids are acting up in public. I realize that children cry and fuss when they're tired, but the parents should take that as a cue to leave. It bothers me to no end when children are fussing in public and the parents just ignore them and continue with their dinner/shopping/movie/insert activity here. I usually end up feeling bad for the poor kid and annoyed with the parents for not handling the situation.

I am childless and one of my best friends has two young children. She calls them "birth control" and makes jokes about how I'll never have kids if I spend too much time with her's. Maybe the OP was making a joke about her children acting up and the friend took it a bit too far.

ETA: I was not trying to imply that the OP was being a lax parent or anything. I understand that kids will act a bit out of character when they're tired and a day at a festival would definitely do it!

 

[fieryred33143]

The "I loathe children" comments are a bit extreme, but I do sometimes think negative thoughts about the parents when their kids are acting up in public. I realize that children cry and fuss when they're tired, but the parents should take that as a cue to leave. It bothers me to no end when children are fussing in public and the parents just ignore them and continue with their dinner/shopping/movie/insert activity here. I usually end up feeling bad for the poor kid and annoyed with the parents for not handling the situation.

I think everyone has had thoughts like that! It's one thing to think it and another to say it outloud to the parents! I would also understand a comment like "wow, I don't know how you have the energy" but to imply that her children are the reason she's happy she doesn't have children is very rude and is directed towards her and her children.

This reminded me of a conversation we had over on the newborn thread and what happened to me this weekend.

Whenever a child is behaving, people don't usually praise the parents. You hear "wow, you are so lucky to have a child that behaves" and not "great job on teaching your child manners." But if the child misbehaves then it's bad parenting lol. This weekend we were at a bbq and everyone kept commenting that my daughter was so well behaved and that I was very lucky. One person commented that I shouldn't have another because I won't be as lucky . My daughter doesn't behave in public because it's in her personality. She behaves because a) we know what to pack to keep her entertained and b) we react immediately when we realize she's starting to act up

And later on when we're in a restaurant and she's sitting calmly, it won't be because we are lucky. It'll be because I've perfected the death stare

 

[Octavia]

I kind of understand your friend's train of thought. One of my good friends has a 4 year old and an infant, and spending time with the infant makes me want to have one ASAP. But I took the 4 year old out for a "big brother day" and by the time he went home, I was REALLY glad not to have kids yet! (Not that he was bad or anything, he's an awesome kid, he's just really high-energy completely wore me out.) That said, your friend was rude for voicing her thoughts in the manner she did, but it was probably just an ill-considered comment and not worth being really offended over.

 

[Mara]

LOL fiery...don't you know that anytime anything good happens in parenting it's because you're just LUCKY???? not because you actually put hard work into it, but total luck!!! give it up and admit it!

 

[TravelingGal]

LOL fiery...don't you know that anytime anything good happens in parenting it's because you're just LUCKY???? not because you actually put hard work into it, but total luck!!! give it up and admit it!

Don't. You. Get. Me. Started.

 

[partgypsy]

I don't know, sometimes luck does has to do with it. My oldest daughter is very mature for her age, quiet, could take her to restaurants with her early on and have her sit in her own seat, etc. And yes I had complete strangers coming up to me complimenting me on my well mannered child.
Fast forward to child # 2, who has a very different personality, and let's just admit it often has bad behavior in public places. We have spent way more time on the second child working on manners and behavior, with less results. So what happened? Were we great parents for the first and forgot everything for the second? No, but you might think so if you've never had children of your own.
I try to practice patience because I remember all the stories of what a hellion my husband was as a child, but somewhere along the way (ok, maybe not until high school and college) he grew up and became a great well rounded person. The other thing we want to do is sign her up for 1 or more classes, like dance, gymnastics, karate, because she is very physical and I think that will help her both get out excess energy and learn self-control. I've been bad because the classes for her age group have been Saturdays at 10 am, but I need to suck it up.

 

[phoenixgirl]

Wow, she totally projected her issues with not being sure/ready onto you. I would definitely be offended, but it doesn't sound like this is really a close friend, right? If it were, I'd probably have said, "Ouch, wow, it's not so nice to tell a mother her child makes you glad you don't have any!" But if she's not, then I'd probably just smile and think to myself, "And THIS is why we're not better friends!"

If you thought she'd think it was funny or would get the message, you could turn the tables on her. Pick an attribute or interest of her husband . . . and the next time you see him do that thing, say something like, "Wow, this is why I'm glad I didn't marry a man like your husband!" And then when she looks confused and hurt you say, "Honey, I'm just kidding, but you totally said the same thing about my children. Just trying to make you think!"

We have this total diarrhea of the mouth "friend" (GF of DH's friend), and I feel like all I do is tell her, no, that wasn't appropriate, like she's 5. I can't have a real friendship with her, and I secretly hope the relationship doesn't work out. Seriously, I can't even type the things she brings up in normal conversation. Some people just have no filter.

 

[zoebartlett]

I am childless and go back and forth like that. I think it is normal. No one, NO ONE, thinks your kids are as adorable as you do and you can't expect them to. Sometimes I go about muttering "I loathe children" in earshot of the misbehaving snowflake's parents and sometime I think I am ready to have kids next year. So please just don't be offended, kids just hit a nerve with some of us crotchety non-breeders when we are already having a bad day.

This seems a bit odd to me.

I don't think this is a situation where the OP believes her children are perfect angels. As China said you don't need to have children to know what is rude and what is acceptable. I think if you are going around purposely making these comments then that is very rude.

I agree with Fiery.