Engagement ring - keep the element of surprise or involve her in ring design?

[tlfiore]

I just deleted my initial message 'cause I thought it was too harsh.

 

[eapj]

Not true that a diamond can never be too big. There are a few threads on here from people who have opted to go smaller or have a 2nd, daintier ring for times they are uncomfortable wearing their larger ER. I agree that over 2ct gets to a size that is more likely to get stares/comments and it's a good bet that she'll be delighted with the ring you chose once she gets used to it. Awaiting updates!!!

I am one of those people who don’t enjoy wearing a large ring and have purchased others after receiving my original, which was a family stone and which I knew I wouldn’t like. But if you’ve listed to your SO, then you’ll know what she wants.

 

[sledge]

Thanks Sledge,

I have decided to let IDJ proceed with the setting as is. They already cast the ring and are now doing the polishing and setting of the stones. It is the same design as the one she selected and showed her friend from Brilliant Earth, and have no doubt IDJ will deliver one that is even better. Only issue is I have been making minor changes to the design such as diamonds on the side of the Halo. She also verbally told the friend she wants the stone set as low as possible, yet this specific design is not the lowest it could go, eg if we added a donut and basket sacrificing the wedding band sitting completely flush. Those are the types of decisions I'd love her to be involved in. Anyway, I am going with the design as is, and when I propose, will talk through the other options we could have done and make it clear that we can get the setting re-done and re-set if she chooses. I have the wiggle room in my budget to do so - just won't tell her the cost . If she absolutely loves it as is, then I will treat myself to a Porterhouse from Peter Lugar

My personal 2 cents is if having the bands sit flush is important and you have modified the design to do that, then you have indeed made it as low as reasonably possible within the required constraints.

My concern with giving her an option to modify had less to do with money and more to do with the oddity of putting her in a situation where she has to "reject" the ring you chose for her to get what she truly wants. Many women will live with it as is to avoid an uncomfortable situation.

Also you may ask IDJ the cost if she wants additional changes or hates it. DK had a policy they'd make a new ring (for free) to ensure her happiness.

Maybe a good steak, regardless.

 

[bludiva]

I just deleted my initial message 'cause I thought it was too harsh.

I didn't think it was too harsh, it's important to keep in mind larger stones really aren't to everyone's taste...and there is a chance the lady in question here would prefer something smaller. The extent to which the OP wants to make everything beyond his SO's expectations, however, I would assume he would also be ready to accommodate her wishes if she decides it is too much. At the same time, there's also the possibility that she just doesn't feel comfortable asking for something so large, or feels it is unnecessary, but would still be very happy with it. He would know best what her thinking is likely to be. If she's said stones over 1 CT are gaudy etc., that would be something to pay attention to.

 

[sledge]

I didn't think it was too harsh, it's important to keep in mind larger stones really aren't to everyone's taste...and there is a chance the lady in question here would prefer something smaller. The extent to which the OP wants to make everything beyond his SO's expectations, however, I would assume he would also be ready to accommodate her wishes if she decides it is too much. At the same time, there's also the possibility that she just doesn't feel comfortable asking for something so large, or feels it is unnecessary, but would still be very happy with it. He would know best what her thinking is likely to be. If she's said stones over 1 CT are gaudy etc., that would be something to pay attention to.

My fiancee is one that thinks big diamonds are gaudy.

I originally was going to get her a 2ct+ stone. At one point we were in a store and the sales guy nearly fell over when she asked to see a 0.5ct stone as that was too much.

It was my idea that 1ct was a good compromise. As it worked out I found one just slightly less and she loves the size. Hell, if I'm being honest I already asked her if it was too small and if she was ready to upgrade. She's still very happy.

 

[kindred]

There are definitely women who do not want a huge diamond. I have been in the "it's too large camp" for a LONG time. My inherited 2.78 ct. diamond sat in a safe deposit box for a couple decades. I am a lot older now and I am ready to finally start wearing it. (Still deciding whether to recut it it or not.)

Hopefully @The Stig's diamond will still be in the return window if his girlfriend decides it is too large for her. I am thinking that a lot of women would be absolutely thrilled with such a beautifully cut large diamond.

 

[natasha-cupcake]

For me personally, an ideal size is between 6.5-7mm. Anything over that feels gaudy on me. I enjoy looking at larger diamonds on other people, and don't see "gaudy" on them (well, maybe the really huge doorknob sized ones!). I suffer from a shameful and rare disease here on PS, AHDD--Anti-Honker Diamond Disease!

Edited to add: To answer the original question, I like the idea of surprising her. My hubby surprised me with an awful diamond that we eventually got rid of, but I was always still happy that he did it on his own. It was much more romantic that way, and eventually I ended up with what I really wanted anyway.

 

[The Stig]

My personal 2 cents is if having the bands sit flush is important and you have modified the design to do that, then you have indeed made it as low as reasonably possible within the required constraints.

My concern with giving her an option to modify had less to do with money and more to do with the oddity of putting her in a situation where she has to "reject" the ring you chose for her to get what she truly wants. Many women will live with it as is to avoid an uncomfortable situation.

Also you may ask IDJ the cost if she wants additional changes or hates it. DK had a policy they'd make a new ring (for free) to ensure her happiness.

Maybe a good steak, regardless.

Thanks Sledge. Her original design actually did have the bands sitting flush, so even better. Just don't know if she would actually change that original design and sacrifice the flush piece to make it sit even lower if given that option.

I agree with you about the oddity of the situation where she will feel she has to accept the ring as is. The type of person she is, that is exactly what I think she will do. During the proposal, I will need to be very savy in how I communicate to her that re-setting is a viable option without downplaying the current setting. I may even print out some CADs of the other options and bring those along, so the night of the proposal I can sit her down and present them to her as viable alternative options. I also think that the messaging will be key. e.g not keep asking her if she loves the setting but rather something along the lines of "look, when I designed your ring, I tried to keep it as close to the original design that you sent to you BFF, however there were also some other options that I really liked such as adding a donut and basket that allows the diamond to be set lower that will compromise the wedding band sitting flush. Here they are and I am giving you the option to get the ring reset into one of these other designs if you so prefer. Its no problem and I have an arrangement with the Jeweler ect ect.

I wouldn't expect IDJ to offer me any discount on getting it reset. Its not fair for me to ask and I wouldn't feel comfortable letting them give me one. Only fair that I pay them for the resetting in full just like any paying customer. I have made the decision to go ahead with the current setting, so I should be on the hook irrespective of what my SO thinks of it. Only place I can see a reduction in price is if the Halo/PAV stones can be relocated to the new setting as apposed to having to be sourced from scratch again.

I do appreciate your advice along with everyone else. Promise I am listening to everyone's advice

 

[bludiva]

For me personally, an ideal size is between 6.5-7mm. Anything over that feels gaudy on me. I enjoy looking at larger diamonds on other people, and don't see "gaudy" on them (well, maybe the really huge doorknob sized ones!). I suffer from a shameful and rare disease here on PS, AHDD--Anti-Honker Diamond Disease!

ha! 6.5-7mm is still pretty big - at least it used to be considered so, right? that's 1ct+
i think petite rings look so classy. i think larger ones can as well, it all depends on the design.

sorry OP we are taking your thread away from its intent...i'm still on team surprise

 

[The Stig]

I just deleted my initial message 'cause I thought it was too harsh.

I appreciate some tough love. I wouldn’t have posted on a public forum asking for opinions if I didnt want to hear opinions, even if harsh. I never saw your initial message, but feel free to post it. I promise I won’t be upset

 

[The Stig]

ha! 6.5-7mm is still pretty big - at least it used to be considered so, right? that's 1ct+
i think petite rings look so classy. i think larger ones can as well, it all depends on the design.

sorry OP we are taking your thread away from its intent...i'm still on team surprise

Please don’t feel sorry, this is all great stuff and a great discussion. I’m really glad my diamond seems to be on the “too big” side. Going in to this I was worried it was even going to be considered too small, especially seeing that my SO is a nice Jewish girl from Long Island

 

[janeelisabeth]

I’m another in the camp of not liking big diamonds on myself, sent back a 1 carat oval because it was just too big and showy when I got it on my hand, made me feel really self conscious. After that I tried lots on in person and the sales guys were quite confused when I kept on saying ‘anything smaller?! This is too big!’ but I was considered very much the exception to the rule, so I’m sure your gf will be happy. I had very fixed ideas about what I wanted... until I actually tried it on and chose something completely different (dead set on a big oval solitaire with no spangles or adornments... ended up with a 0.33 round with three tiny diamonds in a triangle on either side). So maybe just have in the back of your mind that she may end up wanting a totally different design but still using your cracking cushion.

 

[lambskin]

I would not want to be surprised because I am the one who has to wear the ring for the rest of my life. If it is not what I wanted, then it would be a constant reminder of the ring I really wanted. Am I shallow or selfish, perhaps. But it is my ring to wear and to see a ring that I am not happy with that I would wear everyday would be a major bummer. Plus, if I get the ring I want then it is a forever ring and may not be subject to an upgrade later on. Turn the tables: What if she bought a car for you as a surprise. She knows you like Corvettes so she picks out a yellow one. But you really wanted a red one. Sure you would be happy with the car but you would not be 100% as the color is not what you wanted. Everytime you see a red Corvette you would be bummed. Make the engagement process a surprise and pick ou the ring together.

 

[motownmama]

I think you're going to be fine with the SURPRISE!!!!!! Gotta say that for me it was one of my treasured memories of my entire life, but YOU know her and we don't (we also never found pout a head of time the gender of of 4 kids, so that gives you some perspective). Based on everything you've said, I think she's gonna be thrilled!

 

[ame]

Always ALWAYS include the recipient. I am someone who would immediately decline, and actually rethink our relationship entirely if I am surprised. If my partner didn't know by that point that a surprise is an automatic death sentence, we shouldn't be together.

So make sure she wants a surprise ring. You can always surprise her with the proposal, but I think it's asking for trouble to not involve the wearer in the process.

 

[cmd2014]

I would have been on team involve, but since you’re going for a surprise, I hope it works out. It’s a funny thing though that you men seem to want bigger stones for your gf’s than they want for themselves. I’m not criticizing at all, but I am quite curious about what that’s about?

 

[The Stig]

The different opinions are so interesting. I'm actually very surprised at how polarizing these topics are (surprise versus involvement in the process) and (big versus small diamond). At the start of the process I always thought it was a no-brainer that a surprise was better (and more romantic) and that bigger (with quality) was always better. Its definitely an eye-opener, and I'm realizing how different it is to different people. Ultimately, I feel confident the route I took is the correct one. Remember, the ring itself is not going to be a total surprise as I have stayed true to the design she picked out and sent to her friend. I guess if she felt very strongly about wanting to be involved in the design process then she would have given her friend instructions to make me involve her when I reached out. The doubt I am having now is the whether the diamond will actually to be too big (not in a million years did I ever think this would be the issue). My gut tells me she will love it and it ends up being everything she wanted and more, but it could also go sideways. Guess I will just have to close my eyes, roll the dice and see where it lands. Oy vey!!!!

 

[The Stig]

Always ALWAYS include the recipient. I am someone who would immediately decline, and actually rethink our relationship entirely if I am surprised. If my partner didn't know by that point that a surprise is an automatic death sentence, we shouldn't be together.

So make sure she wants a surprise ring. You can always surprise her with the proposal, but I think it's asking for trouble to not involve the wearer in the process.

There is a flip side to that. My sister is on the other end of this extreme. She maintains that her future husband needs to surprise her and he should be able to pick a ring and diamond that she would love. If he gets it wrong then she would re-evaluate the relationship as that indicates he doesn't know her well enough. I think both are harsh seeing how personal this is, but I can respect it.

Luckily my SO doesn't fall in either extreme. I think she would appreciate the surprise and I also think she would appreciate being involved in the ring design.

 

[missy]

The different opinions are so interesting. I'm actually very surprised at how polarizing these topics are (surprise versus involvement in the process) and (big versus small diamond). At the start of the process I always thought it was a no-brainer that a surprise was better (and more romantic) and that bigger (with quality) was always better. Its definitely an eye-opener, and I'm realizing how different it is to different people. Ultimately, I feel confident the route I took is the correct one. Remember, the ring itself is not going to be a total surprise as I have stayed true to the design she picked out and sent to her friend. I guess if she felt very strongly about wanting to be involved in the design process then she would have given her friend instructions to make me involve her when I reached out. The doubt I am having now is the whether the diamond will actually to be too big (not in a million years did I ever think this would be the issue). My gut tells me she will love it and it ends up being everything she wanted and more, but it could also go sideways. Guess I will just have to close my eyes, roll the dice and see where it lands. Oy vey!!!!

Every one is different. My dh completely surprised me with a proposal (and ring) and we are so freaking happy together it's ridiculous. And the fact that he knew me/knows me so well and made it complete surprise worked for me. It obviously doesn't work for everyone (see @ame 's response above) but we are all different. Now could we have saved money in the long run if I was involved in the choosing of the initial ring? Yes probably though it took me well over a decade to really know what I liked myself for diamonds and rings so there you go. Anyway all this to say no one size fits all and there is no one universal right or wrong here. IMO.

Sending you lots of good wishes and hoping it goes just how you and your FI want it to go. The main thing is you have each other and it will all work out if you have a strong and loving and communicative relationship.

 

[The Stig]

It’s a funny thing though that you men seem to want bigger stones for your gf’s than they want for themselves. I’m not criticizing at all, but I am quite curious about what that’s about?

Can't speak for other men, but I believe its because a) we think that women prefer bigger and that bigger is always better; b) we want your ring to be the biggest and best when comparing with your friends; c) we want you to have something that you can show off; d) deep down we want the diamonds we get you to be better that the ones our friends get their SOs; e) we want the stones to be a reflection of how much you mean to us ect ect; f) we want to get you something that EXCEEDS your expectations; g) we want to score points with your friends and mom through the ring; h) we are just stupid and really don't know anything about what women want.

All I want is to get my SO the ring of her dreams that is everything she wants and more.

 

[holeydonut]

Can't speak for other men, but I believe its because a) we think that women prefer bigger and that bigger is always better; b) we want your ring to be the biggest and best when comparing with your friends; c) we want you to have something that you can show off; d) deep down we want the diamonds we get you to be better that the ones our friends get their SOs; e) we want the stones to be a reflection of how much you mean to us ect ect; f) we want to get you something that EXCEEDS your expectations; g) we want to score points with your friends and mom through the ring; h) we are just stupid and really don't know anything about what women want.

All I want is to get my SO the ring of her dreams that is everything she wants and more.

I agree with The Stig; there's a little bit of "topper mentality" involved. The ring giver often hears remarks about other rings. Many times the criticism is around the 4-Cs; especially size. I think the ring giver has some responsibility to not replicate previous "missteps," which explains why men try to find the biggest they can.

I think involving the woman in the ring design also helps reinforce that she's getting something she appreciates instead of just surprising with a design that doesn't suit her taste.

 

[cmd2014]

My poor DH then. I stopped him from buying bigger (I halved his budget) because it seemed like a ridiculous amount of money at the time and I thought we'd be better off spending it on something practical, like a down payment for a house. I've since come to regret it because it doesn't seem like that much money now and DH is incredibly sentimental about the ring, so upgrading is problematic. But I do remember there being some competitiveness among women that I knew (not friends of mine, but among the gf's of his friends) and now that I think about it, DH was quite aware of what his friends had all spent and he thought he should match that. Oops.

The funny thing is that even with the smaller ring, I got some shade from my mother and sister. Not because it was small...but because it's bigger than both of theirs. There were some not so subtle hints dropped that I had manipulated DH into getting me a bigger stone than was appropriate. E-rings tend to be well under half a carat where I am, with my mother's ring being about .25 ct and my sister's is about .3 ct, so even though my stone is a hair under a half carat (0.44 or something like that) it's visibly bigger than theirs. And whiter. And better cut (I suspect theirs are steep and deep, and mine is more spready). Imagine what they would have said if I had let him spend what he had wanted to!

 

[jamesallenrings]

Sounds so exciting! Have you considered proposing with a placeholder cubic zirconium ring? You can get one for very cheap and since CZ sparkles like crazy, it'll still make an impact during the proposal (and will photograph well too!). Then you can involve her in finishing the ring off to her exact liking.

 

[bludiva]

My poor DH then. I stopped him from buying bigger (I halved his budget) because it seemed like a ridiculous amount of money at the time and I thought we'd be better off spending it on something practical, like a down payment for a house. I've since come to regret it because it doesn't seem like that much money now and DH is incredibly sentimental about the ring, so upgrading is problematic. But I do remember there being some competitiveness among women that I knew (not friends of mine, but among the gf's of his friends) and now that I think about it, DH was quite aware of what his friends had all spent and he thought he should match that. Oops.

The funny thing is that even with the smaller ring, I got some shade from my mother and sister. Not because it was small...but because it's bigger than both of theirs. There were some not so subtle hints dropped that I had manipulated DH into getting me a bigger stone than was appropriate. E-rings tend to be well under half a carat where I am, with my mother's ring being about .25 ct and my sister's is about .3 ct, so even though my stone is a hair under a half carat (0.44 or something like that) it's visibly bigger than theirs. And whiter. And better cut (I suspect theirs are steep and deep, and mine is more spready). Imagine what they would have said if I had let him spend what he had wanted to!

The social signaling/peer pressure side of it can get awkwaaaaaard.

 

[whitewave]

Too big!!! Lol

 

[whitewave]

 

[foxinsox]

I’m usually team get her involved because in my example, I had no idea whatsoever and had my DH had to try and guess, it would have been no fun for anyone. However she knows exactly what she wants so I think you’re fairly safe.
And I must admit, I would have enjoyed a bit of a surprise proposal since mine wasn’t really a proposal at all. Which turns out to bug me a bit in hindsight (who knew it would?!)
Also @whitewave ugh at the social conditioning in the line “love is in the details” with the implication that bigger and dripping with diamonds is the detail that matters..

 

[whitewave]

I’m usually team get her involved because in my example, I had no idea whatsoever and had my DH had to try and guess, it would have been no fun for anyone. However she knows exactly what she wants so I think you’re fairly safe.
And I must admit, I would have enjoyed a bit of a surprise proposal since mine wasn’t really a proposal at all. Which turns out to bug me a bit in hindsight (who knew it would?!)
Also @whitewave ugh at the social conditioning in the line “love is in the details” with the implication that bigger and dripping with diamonds is the detail that matters..

It’s so terrible!!!

 

[cmd2014]

The social signaling/peer pressure side of it can get awkwaaaaaard.

Yup. You can see why people worry. It’s the what to order at the restaurant dance, only x1000 and in front of everyone you know.

 

[marcy]

I am in the surprise her group. You’ve worked hard at designing a ring she likes and hopefully she’ll be fine with a larger diamond. Preferred carat size is a personal preference. Good luck. I’d love to see a picture of the finished ring.