Drunk words...Sober Thoughts?

[LtlFirecracker]

Wow, that is pretty harsh. I would breakdown if something like that happened to me.

When someone says something to me while their drunk, I don''t blow it off to the fact they were drunk. Alcohol is a disinhibiter. It inhibits the part of you that says "I know I want to say/do this, but that might have some bad consequences so I better not do that." Alcohol uncovers true feelings. And a lot of people are right, those statements are verbally abusive.

What you want to do is no one''s decision but your own. Think about all of his qualities (good and bad) and imagine the two of you 10 years from now depending on each other, perhaps with children. Are these qualities something you want long term? Only you can answer that. That is in the end what gave me the strength to get out of a bad situation, but it took me several months (and lots of excuses) to come to that.

 

[Bia]

Him sounding off like that, out of nowhere (?), sounds very fishy. He said some horrible things. Things many people don't even think, let alone say to their SO! I think the question you should be asking is WHY you want to be with someone who treats you so badly?

You're saying he is this great boyfriend, but from your posts, he doesn't sound like one. Do you need him so badly that you'd risk a great relationship, and a great love (even your safety) in your future, for this guy?

Like the others said, run, don't walk. The best way you can help is by leaving and showing him that you don't treat people you love in such a way...because look what it cost him.

 

[Erin]

Date: 3/23/2009 2:23:49 PM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 3/23/2009 2:20:20 PM
Author: mscushion
Get out while you can.

My mom always said you have to get a man drunk and watch how he behaves. Any indication of (physical or emotional) cruelty or violence or threat, get out of there as fast as you can. I think that''s what''s going on in your situation, reading the messages above.

Absolutely.

I wish I would''ve paid more attention when my ex was drunk. Would''ve saved me a lot of grief and 5 years of my life.

The signs are there. PLEASE don''t ignore them. There''s always a first time for abuse. It has to start somewhere.

What ElleDizzy said times two!!!
If I just would have listened to that inner voice, that gut feeling, that intuition... You love him, I loved him, Elle loved him and that''s why it''s hard. Stop thinking about him and think about you. Do you wanna live your life like this? Because once this side of him rears the ugly head, it''s out. And now you know. It''s up to you to decide if you are worth more than to be treated like this. Let me answer that question for you - you''re a better person than to be treated like this.

Have you ever been drunk? Would you ever do or say those things? No. People who love each other don''t treat their loved ones like this. There are people who go through heartbreaking breakups all the time and we do learn to move on, grow stronger and love again. Don''t settle for Mr. Playsintraffic.

 

[vintagecushion]

Date: 3/23/2009 1:55:19 PM
Author: prettylnpink419

He was very very very upset with himself. Said he ruined his own birthday. That the thought of not being with me anymore literally made him sick when he woke up (I'm pretty sure it was just the alcohol!). He said he can't live without me, that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him. He said that he doesn't deserve me and he knows I shouldn't even speak to him. He cried and begged and pleaded and apologized. I told him I didn't know if our relationship could recover from everything he said. He said he can't lose me, he won't give up on us, etc. He came over with a dozen roses crying and begging.


I reluctently forgave him. Am I a fool?

This is something to consider. If you bf is "not that guy" then his reaction would not be this the next day.

Someone who doesn't behave this normally and had a meds/alcohol reaction may not comprehend what happened, be stunned by his actions, agonize over whether he should ever see you again, and run to a doctor ASAP-any combination of the above-rather than buy roses and cry to get you back.

I'm also concerned at the reactions of the people who know him. If mutual friends of mine told me that a significant other said they'd murder them while drunk, my reaction would most emphatically not be to attribute it to alcohol. I'm so sorry, prettyinpink. Please get out, and please get help to deal with your situation because it sounds really bad.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 3/23/2009 2:13:39 PM
Author: prettylnpink419
The truth of the matter though is that he is not that guy.

He isn''t that guy...until he gets drunk.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 3/23/2009 2:01:16 PM
Author: elledizzy5
That is scary. Unforgivable.


I am actually concerned for your safety. Seriously.

Exactly. I don''t care how wonderful he''s been up until now. I physically am feeling fear for you because of the things he has said, typed, done to you. Please, please listen to your gut feelings on this. Some women only see this side of their men after the wedding--be thankful you''ve seen a glimpse of this side of him before.

Take care of yourself. Please.

 

[Still_Waiting]

Oh, get away from him A.S.A.P.!!! DO NOT spend another second of your time on him. You are a special woman who deserves to be treated as such...not like the scum on the bottom of some passersby''s shoe.

Forgive, but do not forget. Forgive so that you can move on and not let this toxic relationship hinder the wonderful future you have in front of you (with someone who actually cares about you.). This may be the most blunt I''ve ever been on a forum, but you need to get out of there!

 

[choro72]

I''m a firm believer that Mel Gibson is an Anti Semite. Drinking did not change your BF; drinking brought it all out from him. For your own safety, run. I have a feeling that in the future he will have a drunken episode where he gets physically violent, and apologize to you the next day.
If he really wants to reform he will go to AA. But even then I wouldn''t be able to take the risk.

 

[decodelighted]

The text message about murdering you could land him IN JAIL. That is a pointed threat, drunk or not. The seriousness of this isn''t sinking in yet - but I hope it does soon. What else can''t he control when he''s drunk? A car? A kitchen knife? His temper? Any sense of right & wrong?

Scary, scary stuff.

 

[Rock_of_Love]

Haven''t any of us ever done/said something to a loved one we regretted? Something that was maybe a little too harsh? Especially when drugs/alcohol are involved? I know I have been guilty...so has my BF. It is how you move past it together and what you do differently as a couple in the future that matters.

IMO we may be being a little hard on him and their relationship. Relationships are hard in their own right. There are a lot of ups and downs, and I believe it is how you make it through the down times as a couple that make you stronger. Life is only going to get harder...kids, sickness/health, money, and so on.

He sounded drunk, insecure, depressed...maybe reaching out for help. Maybe his friends got involved and were texting stuff, too. It sounds like it was a pretty crazy night. I do think the murder comment was scary - but everything else sounded just childish, insecure and a little self-absorbed. People can say being drunk is not an excuse, but it is the REASON it happened. Alcohol is a powerful drug.

So, I don''t think you are a fool to forgive him. Only you know in your heart who this person is day in and day out. One stupid night does not make the man.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 3/23/2009 2:44:57 PM
Author: Rock_of_Love
Haven''t any of us ever done/said something to a loved one we regretted? Something that was maybe a little too harsh? Especially when drugs/alcohol are involved? I know I have been guilty...so has my BF. It is how you move past it together and what you do differently as a couple in the future that matters.

IMO we may be being a little hard on him and their relationship. Relationships are hard in their own right. There are a lot of ups and downs, and I believe it is how you make it through the down times as a couple that make you stronger. Life is only going to get harder...kids, sickness/health, money, and so on.

He sounded drunk, insecure, depressed...maybe reaching out for help. Maybe his friends got involved and were texting stuff, too. It sounds like it was a pretty crazy night. I do think the murder comment was scary - but everything else sounded just childish, insecure and a little self-absorbed. People can say being drunk is not an excuse, but it is the REASON it happened. Alcohol is a powerful drug.

So, I don''t think you are a fool to forgive him. Only you know in your heart who this person is day in and day out. One stupid night does not make the man.

I bet a lot of women who thought that same thing are wishing they''d have not made those excuses for him. Some may even be alive today because of it.

Saying "You''re a B*&%$" is one thing.

Losing such great control that you threaten murder, is beyond any comprehensible mistake. That is danger, loud and clear.

My opinion stands. GET OUT.

 

[freudianflip]

prettyinpink, you need to be very careful with the decisions you make around this. The things your BF said/texted are scarily similar to the things my ex used to say to me... but only when he was drunk (which was far more often than your BF gets drunk, but still). When sober, he was the nicest guy ever. After some drinks though, he would become completely emotionally and verbally abusive. Like your BF, you would never have known it was the same guy. And like you, the next day, I got the flowers and the tears and the apologies. But it always happened again... a week, a month, three months later. The part that struck me the most was the way he reacted to YOUR response to him... that your attempts at self-protection were somehow out of line, since YOU were the one who wronged HIM in the first place. Kinda makes it seem like YOU''RE the crazy one, doesn''t it?? This is a clear sign of an abusive situation.

Your BF is probably not a terrible person. There are certainly good things about him, and good things about your relationship. I''m sure that he does love you. And it sounds like he''s struggling with a lot of personal issues. But this does not excuse his behavior toward you. It is our natural inclination to want to forgive the transgressions of someone that we love, and to believe that they will never do this again. No one can tell you what you should do here, but I strongly encourage you to think about your willingness to be in this situation again in the future, to feel what you are feeling now, because the chances of this re-occuring are extremely high. Maybe not next week or even next year, but when BF next decides to over-indulge, you will face this again. Maybe he''ll be yelling in your face next time. Maybe your baby will be in the next room.

This is tough... remember your inner strength, and consider the wisdom of the PSers who''ve commented. stay strong

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 3/23/2009 2:44:57 PM
Author: Rock_of_Love
Haven''t any of us ever done/said something to a loved one we regretted? Something that was maybe a little too harsh? Especially when drugs/alcohol are involved? I know I have been guilty...so has my BF. It is how you move past it together and what you do differently as a couple in the future that matters.

IMO we may be being a little hard on him and their relationship. Relationships are hard in their own right. There are a lot of ups and downs, and I believe it is how you make it through the down times as a couple that make you stronger. Life is only going to get harder...kids, sickness/health, money, and so on.

He sounded drunk, insecure, depressed...maybe reaching out for help. Maybe his friends got involved and were texting stuff, too. It sounds like it was a pretty crazy night. I do think the murder comment was scary - but everything else sounded just childish, insecure and a little self-absorbed. People can say being drunk is not an excuse, but it is the REASON it happened. Alcohol is a powerful drug.

So, I don''t think you are a fool to forgive him. Only you know in your heart who this person is day in and day out. One stupid night does not make the man.

I definitely think people have had their moments.

I don''t drink but Mr. Fiery does. When he gets really drunk which happens maybe once a year on a birthday, it''s humorous. I poke fun at him and get him to say/do/agree to stuff he''d never do sober. But I''ve never felt threatened by him ever while he was drunk. I never felt like my life was in danger. He''s never told me that he''s going to find another girl to go have sex with or that he would murder me. That''s the difference.

I did date a guy once before meeting FI that got really drunk while in my home and he said to me "You know what''s funny? I can completely chop your head into pieces right now and no one would know." I kicked him out of my house so fast and never spoke to him again.

I think that if Pretty is going to stay with him then he absolutely has to get the drinking under control otherwise that behavior won''t stop. That was all via text. I can''t imagine the screamfest it would have been had it been in person.

 

[Erin]

Date: 3/23/2009 2:48:01 PM
Author: freudianflip
The part that struck me the most was the way he reacted to YOUR response to him... that your attempts at self-protection were somehow out of line, since YOU were the one who wronged HIM in the first place. Kinda makes it seem like YOU''RE the crazy one, doesn''t it?? This is a clear sign of an abusive situation.

Pretty, reread this. This is so true.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 3/23/2009 2:47:08 PM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 3/23/2009 2:44:57 PM
Author: Rock_of_Love
Haven''t any of us ever done/said something to a loved one we regretted? Something that was maybe a little too harsh? Especially when drugs/alcohol are involved? I know I have been guilty...so has my BF. It is how you move past it together and what you do differently as a couple in the future that matters.

IMO we may be being a little hard on him and their relationship. Relationships are hard in their own right. There are a lot of ups and downs, and I believe it is how you make it through the down times as a couple that make you stronger. Life is only going to get harder...kids, sickness/health, money, and so on.

He sounded drunk, insecure, depressed...maybe reaching out for help. Maybe his friends got involved and were texting stuff, too. It sounds like it was a pretty crazy night. I do think the murder comment was scary - but everything else sounded just childish, insecure and a little self-absorbed. People can say being drunk is not an excuse, but it is the REASON it happened. Alcohol is a powerful drug.

So, I don''t think you are a fool to forgive him. Only you know in your heart who this person is day in and day out. One stupid night does not make the man.

I bet a lot of women who thought that same thing are wishing they''d have not made those excuses for him. Some may even be alive today because of it.

Saying ''You''re a B*&%$'' is one thing.

Losing such great control that you threaten murder, is beyond any comprehensible mistake. That is danger, loud and clear.

My opinion stands. GET OUT.

I think elledizzy5 is right. Threatening murder? That is different than throwing some curse words.

You said that you were just moving in with him? Do you still have your place available to you?

 

[Bia]

Date: 3/23/2009 2:44:57 PM
Author: Rock_of_Love
Haven''t any of us ever done/said something to a loved one we regretted? Something that was maybe a little too harsh? Especially when drugs/alcohol are involved? I know I have been guilty...so has my BF. It is how you move past it together and what you do differently as a couple in the future that matters.

IMO we may be being a little hard on him and their relationship. Relationships are hard in their own right. There are a lot of ups and downs, and I believe it is how you make it through the down times as a couple that make you stronger. Life is only going to get harder...kids, sickness/health, money, and so on.

He sounded drunk, insecure, depressed...maybe reaching out for help. Maybe his friends got involved and were texting stuff, too. It sounds like it was a pretty crazy night. I do think the murder comment was scary - but everything else sounded just childish, insecure and a little self-absorbed. People can say being drunk is not an excuse, but it is the REASON it happened. Alcohol is a powerful drug.

So, I don''t think you are a fool to forgive him. Only you know in your heart who this person is day in and day out. One stupid night does not make the man.

I am not known for being hard on people...I like to give people the benefit, always. AND I have a fiery temper, so I''ve said things to my FI that are not nice. But this is too much.

This, in my book, is not something you forgive. By staying it''s like slapping a sign on your forehead that says, "I don''t love myself." He is threatening her safety and telling her she''s worthless (but in a more demeaning way).

Alcohol is not making him feel that, it''s just allowing him to express it, and then use it as an excuse. Frankly, I''m surprised you would encourage a woman to stay, being a woman yourself.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 3/23/2009 2:44:57 PM
Author: Rock_of_Love
Haven't any of us ever done/said something to a loved one we regretted? Something that was maybe a little too harsh?

Yes, I have. We all say things we regret, sober or not. Saying something you regret is VERY different from telling somebody you want to murder them. Even to say something like "I don't love you" or "find another d*ck to s*ck" goes way beyond just saying something you regret.

Deco is absolutely right that this is about him...just look at how the night unrolled. PIP asked for a small favor from him and he got upset and said he wasn't her servant...and PIP supports him financially 100%! Instead of acting like a mature adult, he stormed out of the car and went out to get drunk!

Once he was drunk, he wanted to dig into her as much as possible. His texts got more and more damaging and PIP kept responding, which to him was an invitation to continue digging into her. The moment she stopped he felt out of control and told her he was going to murder her!! How insane is that?! He's so selfish that he had the nerve to act like a pouty child saying "You don't love me!" while he was telling her he was going to muder her. Are you kididng me?!

Again, as Deco pointed out, even his "apology" is all about him. He doesn't like that what he did compromises his catered life and is desperately trying to patch it up.

PIP, I'm so sorry. I don't even know what to say...please, please see this for what it is: a spoiled, immature boy who has slipping into becoming emotionally abusive. Sometimes you have to dig deep to find that backbone.

 

[Bliss]

I agree, and not just the murder comment - but the "find another d--k to suck" comment was also seriously disturbing. How someone could say that to someone they love is incomprehensible. How can you ever look at this person again knowing that's how he sees you in his worst moments? A thing? Not as a person. It's horrible. I just want to hug you and stick this guy in a therapist's office for years.

It's very misogynistic and turns the relationship into a cheap and tawdry thing... like a woman and the act of love are just disgusting demeaning things. So wrong to speak to a woman that way. The murder comment makes it criminal. PLEASE RUN, don't walk. RUN FROM THIS GUY.

 

[miss_flo]

Nothing we say will change your mind about what to do with him, because it''s clear that you''ve already made your decision. If this sounds harsh, please keep in mind that it''s because it seems like you came here for advice then changed your mind and decided to defend your boyfriend instead. If you''re going to ask for advice, you have to at least *pretend* to take our advice into consideration.

My boyfriend had to join Alcoholics Anonymous two years ago. Like your DB, he never ever drank because he was always the perfect boyfriend - attentive, honest and very responsible. He also had no idea how to handle his liquor. That was why he never drank, because he didn''t know his limit and would become a complete belligerent, incoherent as$hole. He would start fights, flirt with girls and completely ignore me when he drank. It happened 3 times before he finally had to get help, and I still don''t know why I stuck through it with him - most women would have run the other direction.

I''m sharing this because I took my DB back too, and I want to warn you: the relationship will be dysfunctional until he gets help. I do not think you are a fool for taking him back, but you do have to accept that he has a problem. This may be a "one time thing and he''ll never do it again," but unless you can guarantee that he will never get drunk for the rest of his life, you CANNOT guarantee that he won''t relapse.

Antidepressants cannot be blamed because he should have known not to drink while on them - that is a HUGE lapse in judgment and he needs to be held responsible for that much. It''s so frustrating to hear you make excuses for him, because you''re allowing his "good side" to guide your decision. He may be a good boyfriend 95% of the time, but you are literally in danger when that other 5% makes an appearance. He needs to get help, and you may want to consider suggesting that to him.

Again, lots of hugs and prayers coming your way. Please, please be careful with taking him back, because he is clearly taking advantage of your good nature. If he were a good man he would apologize, give you your space, and let you make your decision about how to proceed. Instead, he''s flooding you with affection and hoping that''ll make it better. That is literally one of the red flags of an abusive relationship, and you have to be aware of those warning signs.

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 3/23/2009 1:42:11 PM
Author: BizouMom
I'd forgive him from the rear view mirror. I believe that many people say what they really feel when they are drunk. Getting so drunk that you say mean and nasty things, even rarely, is a big no no for me.

I have to agree and disagree here (and this part is not related to what your SO said). I dont think people speak the truth when they are drunk. i think they speak without a filter. Just becuase when people speak with a filter, doesnt mean what they are saying is not true. howmany times has someone said something, then wished they could take it back, knowing that what they said despite at the moment was instant reaction, but not truth deep down (i know i have!).

That said, sometimes parts of truths come out - E has said many eyeroll worthy things when drunk, but if i pick apart what he said, there is some truth in what he blabbered on about - such as this weekend he got loaded and decided to pick on me becuase i never tell him anything and i dont trust him with my feelings..blah blah blah... well really i jsut dont tell him after he's been drinking becuase i dont think he thinks things though carefully when drunk. so yes, in a way, i dont share, but only when he's drinking. er. sorry, long explaination.

now, after reading what your guy said/texted you, i see many things. and while i will try to spare feelings, please know that obviously i do not know the whole picture, and i just hope that what ever decision you make, you make it with your best intentions and that you will remain safe in home, and in heart.

- most of the texts seem like a childish way to get you to feel bad (except for the murder one). he is well knowing that he is trying to manipulate your feelings because at this level of drunkness, the world only revolves around him. i am absolutely in no way justifying what he has said, but in my experience, not only in my relationships and others, this is what seems to be happening. I am curious to wonder if he remembers anything? if its to the point of blacking out, honestly, i would move on. work on your relationship, set ground rules and he needs to earn respect back. big time.
if he remembers everything, then i would ask him to go see a doctor, thereapist or AA meeting. he needs to understand how much worse he could have gotten, and that he cannot do it again.

good luck hun *hugs*

eta - i just want to make clear that regardless of what happens, he seeks help, and that you are safe. i would highly suggest AA even if he doesnt have an ongoing drinking problem, he had A drink(ing) Problem.

 

[prettylnpink419]

I''m just reading and digesting everything you have all responded with. I really truly appreciate it.

I wanted to answer a few things.

We do not live together, he rents a room from his cousin.
I was not drinking that night. I had 1 beer with dinner but I was the DD.

He does not have a drinking problem. We''ve been together for 2 years and he''s only ever drank or gotten drunk 2 times.

I really really appreciate all of your responses. I''m just having a really hard time with all of this. I mean I know that I am no angel and I''ve flipped out a few times. I know he feels like he does a lot for me and I don''t do much for him...which is not an accurate perception. He just helped me move everything I own on the 14th so that is obviously what was in his mind. I was crabby, and probably even bit^#y that weekend. I was tired and stressed! (Not that that is an excuse) So that was what was on his mind during this argument.

I personally am in therapy. I started therapy after my last bad break-up, about 3 years ago. My BF has come with me a few times as well. My therapist thought it would be good to discuss how we show our anger and love, etc and to work through a few exercises. She knew how much I loved him. He''s been several times actually, because I asked him to come and then he was discussing his career, etc. She knew he was feeling down and recommended antidepressants. He spoke with his doctor who agreed.

Luckily, I have a therapy appt tomorrow night. I''m interested to see what she says because she knows him pretty well. I can''t say enough how much I appreciate all of the support you have offered for me. I just honestly am so conflicted because on one hand I know I would be absolutely crazy to stay with him and then on the other, it is the only time anything like that has ever happened and I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and see if they''ll work on communicating with me and not keeping things in...because that ultimately is the problem.

You guys are right, a lot of what he said was absolute rubish and childish, the last part was the one I''m having the most difficult getting past.

He was alone that night, his cousin came home later but they were not drinking and from what he remembers, he told his cousin what he said to me and he was shocked.

I was at my mom''s when this all happened and was talking with my mom and sister. They both know him pretty well and felt that he was obviously hurting, angry, and depressed but that what he was saying wasn''t even making sense and to not take it to heart because he didn''t mean it.

I''m just having such a hard time with all of this.

 

[jcarlylew]

i am glad you are talking to an outside veiw tomorrow, that knows you both. i just hope that he goes in as well, with out you, and then with you. only you can decide where to take this relationship.

*hugs*

 

[Erin]

You''re the one who''s in this situation. From the outside it mimics our personal experiences and clinical examples. I can see not wanting to call it all quits because of the actions of one night. If it were me, the second he did something even remotely similar, I''d run. But after it has happened to me in one relationship, no one gets a second chance with me.

 

[Rhea]

Date: 3/23/2009 2:44:57 PM
Author: Rock_of_Love
Haven''t any of us ever done/said something to a loved one we regretted? Something that was maybe a little too harsh? Especially when drugs/alcohol are involved? I know I have been guilty...so has my BF. It is how you move past it together and what you do differently as a couple in the future that matters.


IMO we may be being a little hard on him and their relationship. Relationships are hard in their own right. There are a lot of ups and downs, and I believe it is how you make it through the down times as a couple that make you stronger. Life is only going to get harder...kids, sickness/health, money, and so on.


He sounded drunk, insecure, depressed...maybe reaching out for help. Maybe his friends got involved and were texting stuff, too. It sounds like it was a pretty crazy night. I do think the murder comment was scary - but everything else sounded just childish, insecure and a little self-absorbed. People can say being drunk is not an excuse, but it is the REASON it happened. Alcohol is a powerful drug.


So, I don''t think you are a fool to forgive him. Only you know in your heart who this person is day in and day out. One stupid night does not make the man.

Yes, I''ve said some very very stupid things. I''ve picked fights with my DH and needed to do some grovelling the next day. I''ve ranted, raved, and called names. But I''ve never threatened to murder him, or told him that I was going to hurt myself and it''d be his fault.

Insecure is fine. Depressed is fine. It''s life and sometimes it sucks. But when this happens grown ups, adults in loving relationships, try their hardest to communicate this to their partners without insulting or ranting at the partner, or blaming the partner for faults.

 

[fieryred33143]

Pretty-I''m really sorry you are having a hard time. I can only imagine how much sadness you are feeling right now.

I hope that you can dissect everything with your therapist as I''m sure she is someone you trust really well and being that she knows him as well, she can give you a better assessment.

I also think that while it does sound like you are making a few excuses for his behavior, you are still open to opinions. Not a lot of people can accept criticism/thoughts on their relationship.

Just know that even if he has only been drunk twice before, his excessive drinking is still a problem if that is the way he is going to react and hopefully that is enough of a motive for him to stop at one or two beers.

 

[Winks_Elf]

As someone who has spent half of her life in love with an alcoholic, and is now divorced from said alcoholic, I can tell you that when a person is drunk they lose their inhibitions and say stuff that they wouldn''t have the guts to say sober, and they mean every word.

RUN! Don''t look back, just run. You deserve so much better, and what he said was beyond messed up. That was incomprehensible.

 

[Aloros]

Fieryred pretty much said what I was going to. I can''t imagine saying those things to someone I loved, or having those things said back to me (and FI and I both have pretty bad tempers).

If you forgive him for this, and give him a second chance...just don''t ever give him a third chance.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

I understand there are conflicted feelings going on right now. Of course you still love him, but you know what he did was not ok. I hope that your therapy session is helpful to you. I hope you get some insight that will help you figure out what this means for you and your relationship.

For the other posters, please realize that most people who ask for advice about a relationship will get defensive, because there is a part that still loves the other person, and a bad night is not going to take away those feelings. I went to a DV shelter, and the workers told me that 50% of the women go back to their husbands the first time they leave, despite great counseling and advice. And of course they know what is going on is wrong. I guess my point is that people should not get too upset at someone for posting for advice and than getting defensive.

 

[Rock_of_Love]

{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}} to you, pretty!!!

I can tell how conflicted you are. And, I definitely hear ya about the "last part." It is scary. Red flag? Yes. Is it enough to get rid of him? Who knows. Only you, him...maybe your therapist.

That is the only reason I was saying what I did above. Only you know what is really going on here. I do stand by what I say...and I''m not encouraging you to stay if this is truly an abusive situation. The murder comment could definitely be a huge sign that it is, or will be. BUT, we shouldn''t convict the guy for *one* mistake when he was clearly off his rocker. I''m just saying that *I* don''t know him...only pretty does. She knows him better than anyone and will be able to put this in perspective.

I''m not trying to defend his actions, but I know sometimes when I only share the bad times/slip ups/etc. about my relationship with my friends, and not the good times, they form an opinion of him based on those bad times. And, IMO that opinion is false and biased. I take responsibility, becasue it is my fault for sharing only half the story.

This could be the case here...or it could not...I don''t know. Maybe I missed some earlier posts about him and their relationship and he has a history of this??

I wish you tons of luck, but like everyone says...stay strong and remember to protect yourself above all.

 

[FrekeChild]

I don''t even really know what to say. I think you''ve gotten a lot of great advice.

Here are a couple of questions:
How often does he get drunk?
How has he acted on occasions before this one, when he''s been drunk?

My heart hurts for you.