Drunk words...Sober Thoughts?

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 3/30/2009 3:52:38 PM
Author: QueenB29
And to be honest, the part that really concerns me is that he threatened you via text. It would be bad if he yelled it at you, but people often say things they don't actually mean when drunk or angry, and you can often tell the difference based on their body language. We all say things we regret--they just fall out of our mouths. Taking the time to send a text message, means that he had to have thought about it when he opened up the screen, as he typed in the letters and probably had to hit some keys multiple times, and when he hit 'SEND.' The more I think about it--there's no way that those texts weren't things that he didn't want to say. Drunk or not, medicated or not, he had plenty of opportunities to stop himself. I am so sorry.

I TOTALLY agree.

I was with a complete loser off/on for 2-3 years (it is a big blurry mess) in my early twenties. He did things like that fairly often. It only got worse and worse. The capacity to say (or in this case, write) something like that to someone you are supposed to love is always there, IMO. And even the fact that he could ever THINK something like that... unforgivable and terrifying IMO. I mean, goodness - what if you had been there WITH him instead of simply texting?

Like Elledizzy said previously, I've been on ADs and drank - and even done some really dumb, regrettable things including not being very nice to my SO at the time (not my SO now). And yet, I never, ever, ever made threats like that. Ever.

Anyone who threatens to KILL you- regardless of what they are taking or whether they have been drinking- doesn't deserve the time of day, let alone a second chance.

And ditto everything Jewel said about the therapist as well.

I hope it all works out for you and that you realize we are only saying these things out of concern for your wellbeing (and sometimes from our own past experiences).

 

[arjunajane]

Ok,
I have just ventured into this thread and admittedly have not read every post, and PIP many of yours are very long and difficult to read.

But honestly, from the first post I could not believe how you are still with this guy, drunk or not

And this is coming from a girl who (unfortunately like many of our fellow PS'ers), has been in abusive r'ships in the past. So yes, I
do know what I'm talking about. Been there, done that, in worse circumstance than yours is at currently.
However, I WISH I had a support network of intelligent and wise ppl such as here to tell me what I needed to hear before things escalated.
And yes, your situation will escalate.

I am now happily engaged, have been together for more than 5 years - if my Fi said any one of those horrible things, let alone All of them, he would be
out on his ass! And we're engaged, we have almost every aspect of our lives intertwined. This is just your BF - it will be so much easier for you
to extract yourself now.

I'm sorry, but this is how I see this thread in a very basic summary:
- your post with the disgusting behaviour of your BF
- every single poster unanimously telling you to Get The Hell Out!
- you defending your BF
- you defending your BF based on some extremely erroneous advice from a shrink - I mean who is this woman, your BF's sister or something?!
Her view seems extremely biased and bizzarely so off track from conventional wisdom, you seriously need to not listen to her!
- everyone repeatedly telling you the writing is on the wall.
- you continuing to defend your BF and justifying staying with him.

Yes I know this may be harsh - but what he is saying and doing to you is harsher, drunk or no.
If you don't want to listen to the advice of over 200 posts saying the same thing, than so be it. But I think you will be making quite a mistake.

I sincerely wish you all the best, but I do think you may need to consult at least a second therapist and try to gain a more objective viewpoint.

**hugs**.

 

[NakedFinger]

Pretty-Havent seen you around in awhile. Hope you are well and everything is ok. Please post and let us know how you are!

HUGS

 

[tlh]

Date: 4/1/2009 9:00:14 AM
Author: NakedFinger
Pretty-Havent seen you around in awhile. Hope you are well and everything is ok. Please post and let us know how you are!

HUGS

My thoughts are with you also. I hope you figure out what you need and return soon.

 

[sweetliloldme]

oh my goodness. sweetheart, you should NEVER let anyone talk to you like that, drunk or not. On the other hand, I know what it''s like to be in love so I can see where your comming from. I can''t tell you if you should forgive him or not because that is your decision and no one can make it for you. I know if it were me, I would be extremly hurt, and let him know it. If I were to forgive him, it would certianly not be right away, and without him proving to me that he didn''t mean it. My philosophy has always been from personal experience that the truth comes out when your drunk. Not in all cases, because some people just babble BS when they drink, but here it sounds like he has some harbored feelings.

Thats just my take, hope it helps.

 

[Londongirl1]

style="WIDTH: 95.11%; HEIGHT: 224px">Date: 4/1/2009 4:49:49 AM
Author: arjunajane

I''m sorry, but this is how I see this thread in a very basic summary:
- your post with the disgusting behaviour of your BF
- every single poster unanimously telling you to Get The Hell Out!
- you defending your BF
- you defending your BF based on some extremely erroneous advice from a shrink - I mean who is this woman, your BF''s sister or something?!
Her view seems extremely biased and bizzarely so off track from conventional wisdom, you seriously need to not listen to her!
- everyone repeatedly telling you the writing is on the wall.
- you continuing to defend your BF and justifying staying with him.

In my experince women rarely listen and take heed of sensible advice about their partners!

 

[October2008bride]

Date: 3/23/2009 2:15:49 PM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 3/23/2009 2:13:39 PM

Author: prettylnpink419

The truth of the matter though is that he is not that guy. He has never ever said things to me like that before, and hasn''t since. He was so humiliated that he said those things. He does not do this type of thing to me ever...ever...ever. It is soooo out of character. I told him I was really worried about him because he is obviously so angry inside and he needs to figure it out. He has an appt with week with a doctor about the meds and a therapist.



Could it have been the meds and alcohol mixed?



I just don''t understand it which is why it hurts so badly. Everyone that knows him is just as shocked but have said that it is not like him and he was obviously just drunk. People that don''t know him obviously think I''m crazy.



I don''t want to be made into a fool. I love the man, I wanted to marry him but I am really having a hard time justifying staying with him after all that.



More than anything, I love him and am really scared for him and worried about him. It is so out of character. In two years he has never even so much as raised his voice at me. When we fight he is always the calm, level headed one whereas I''m the yelling and fighter.



The only thing I did to instigate the whole text conversation was to say, ''Its over between us isn''t it? Everytime you look at me its like you are angry or upset but won''t tell me why.''



He definitely needs work on communication. He never tells me when he gets upset...instead he''ll bottle it all up inside. I guess the alcohol and antidepressants worked together to uncork that bottle?



I have a hard time thinking about ending our relationship because it was sooo out of character and completely opposite of the man I know and love and it has NEVER happened before.

There is always a first time for abuse. You are a fool if you stay with him- he is showing you his true colors. Listen.

I agree wholeheartedly with NF. Please run. I don''t even know if you can call them red flags anymore because what he said/texted is already abusive.

I don''t have kids, but I always think "what would I want my daughter to do in this situation?" and RUN is all i can think.

Take care (of YOURSELF). You deserve it.

 

[arjunajane]

Date: 4/3/2009 4:43:58 PM
Author: Londongirl1

style="WIDTH: 95.11%; HEIGHT: 224px">Date: 4/1/2009 4:49:49 AM
Author: arjunajane

I''m sorry, but this is how I see this thread in a very basic summary:
- your post with the disgusting behaviour of your BF
- every single poster unanimously telling you to Get The Hell Out!
- you defending your BF
- you defending your BF based on some extremely erroneous advice from a shrink - I mean who is this woman, your BF''s sister or something?!
Her view seems extremely biased and bizzarely so off track from conventional wisdom, you seriously need to not listen to her!
- everyone repeatedly telling you the writing is on the wall.
- you continuing to defend your BF and justifying staying with him.

In my experince women rarely listen and take heed of sensible advice about their partners!

You''re right, as I mentioned in my post I''ve been there - and I disregarded my friends and family''s advice, until it blew up
in my face.

So I guess now there''s an element of wanting to help others "see the light" in their own situation -
yeah, I get the feeling this forum will only frustrate me, lol..

 

[gwendolyn]

I think it''s worth mentioning to everyone here that it''s also very sensible to mull over advice given, especially when you know the people offering the advice have only seen one small sliver of your life and who are also emotionally distanced from the situation themselves.

I consider myself to be a reasonably intelligent person, but I know that when I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, it took me five YEARS to realize I had to get out. It took time to realize that this person I loved, who had (up until a point) always been wonderful and caring, had turned into someone very unhealthy for me to be around anymore. I don''t want to believe it, but the worried words of others slowly sounded more convincing to me, and eventually I cut off all contact.

Anyway, I suppose what I''m trying to say is that we shouldn''t give up hope just because our friend PrettyinPink has said the things she has said so far. These things take time.

 

[risingsun]

Date: 3/30/2009 5:14:53 PM
Author: Jewels305
I have not seen this post until today and felt the need to chime in.

First on the issue of the therapist. As a therapist myself I had some pretty major concerns reading over what you remembered of your conversation with your therapist. Sometimes what we say and how it is interpreted can be vastly different, and that can happen because we all have a tendency to hear what we want to hear. The way the conversation was initially described with her made it sound as though she was assigning you unnecessary guilt and responsibility for his actions and behavior. I do not personally see how putting time and energy into figuring out what may or may not have caused him to say those things to you is terribly productive because all it does is make excuses when your energy should instead be going into thinking about what you need to do next in your own best interest.
I also am concerned about the blurring of professional boundaries that is happening between you and your therapist. I do not know if she is aware of how close you consider the two of you to be, but it is best to terminate the therpetic relationship if it is moving from a professional into a personal relationship. It appears that you have become very dependent on her, and that is not typically a healthy situation. Becuase of the history that you and the therapist share, I also do not think that it was in anyone''s best interest for her to see you both for couple''s counseling. It might have been better to find another couple''s therapist in addition to your individual work with your current therapist due to the possibility that objectivity could be a problem.

On the issue of his behavior on that night. I think it''s been pretty well covered by many people here. Ultimately the decision is yours and it appears that you are very aware of the weight of your decision. None of this is your fault; you could not control his actions that night, and you cannot control his actions in the future. The thing you have control over is what you do next. I wish you the best of luck.

I am also a therapist and agree with everything that Jewels as written. It is not your role to "fix" your partner. He needs to get his own therapist and work through his issues. Your responsibility is to work through your own. Threats of violence are not a criteria for alcohol abuse. Threats of violence fall under the category of domestic abuse. Please do what is necessary to protect your emotional and physical safety. I hope you are able to convey your concerns to your therapist and if she is unable to work with you on this, consider a second opinion. There are therapist whose theoretical approach looks at the couple''s dynamics as the cause of domestic abuse. I am not one of these therapists. Abusers abuse because they feel entiltled to do so. I strongly believe in helping my clients develop a sense of self and empowerment so they may make the best decisions on their own behalf. I wish you the best.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 4/4/2009 7:31:53 AM
Author: gwendolyn
I think it''s worth mentioning to everyone here that it''s also very sensible to mull over advice given, especially when you know the people offering the advice have only seen one small sliver of your life and who are also emotionally distanced from the situation themselves.

I consider myself to be a reasonably intelligent person, but I know that when I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, it took me five YEARS to realize I had to get out. It took time to realize that this person I loved, who had (up until a point) always been wonderful and caring, had turned into someone very unhealthy for me to be around anymore. I don''t want to believe it, but the worried words of others slowly sounded more convincing to me, and eventually I cut off all contact.

Anyway, I suppose what I''m trying to say is that we shouldn''t give up hope just because our friend PrettyinPink has said the things she has said so far. These things take time.

Very true. It took me 2-3 years of on/off with my abusive ex to finally get the hell out and STAY out. I knew, for a long time, that things weren''t right and our relationship wasn''t ok... but things are still easier said than done in these cases. Plus, it''s like a frog in boiling water - it''s progressive.

I''m not giving up on PIP, it just hits home with me because I look back and wish I hadn''t stayed with someone who had treated me so badly.