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Drunk words...Sober Thoughts?

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prettylnpink419

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If your SO said really mean and hurtful things to you when he was drunk (and he almost never drinks) and apologized the next day, would you forgive him?
 

Bia

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Depends on what he said.

If he said, "You''re a crazy b*%ch and I am never going to want to marry you, so leave me the hell alone!" Then no, I''d be out so fast, he wouldn''t even know I''m gone. Because he''s probably being honest.

Again, it depends on what "really hurtful" means.
 

neatfreak

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Probably not. Being drunk is no excuse and IMO bodes poorly for his level of respect for you in the future.
 

sammyj

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Date: 3/23/2009 1:33:39 PM
Author: Bia
Depends on what he said.

If he said, ''You''re a crazy b*%ch and I am never going to want to marry you, so leave me the hell alone!'' Then no, I''d be out so fast, he wouldn''t even know I''m gone. Because he''s probably being honest.

Again, it depends on what ''really hurtful'' means.
Ditto Bia.

I mean, we have to consider the words in their context. But, the fact that mean and hurtful words would come out of his mouth with a bit of alcohol would be enough concern for me. My FI is an idiot when he''s really drunk (not mean or hurtful, just really dumb) and I avoid him at all costs! If he was they type of guy that spewed profanity and insults, instigated fights, and annoyed the crap out of me when he was drunk, I would have dumped his ass.
 

Efe

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I''d forgive him from the rear view mirror. I believe that many people say what they really feel when they are drunk. Getting so drunk that you say mean and nasty things, even rarely, is a big no no for me.
 

prettylnpink419

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Well then to clarify, we went out for St. Patrick''s Day...he got DRUNK. I just moved and still had a few things at my old house that I needed to pick up that night (including my cat, b/c my other cat was sick and I was keeping them separate until she got better). I asked him if he would hold my cat in the car so I could bring him home with me. He freaked out and said no and that he wasn''t my servant and demanded I take him home. So I dropped him off, was really upset and he just got out of the car and stormed off. (It was only 9pm at this point)

He apparently continued to drink...all night apparently and got beyond drunk. He started texting me things like I''m never there for him and that is sooo not true. I try so hard. He is one of those guys that never tells you what he wants or needs and then gets mad b/c you weren''t there for him and you should have just known he needed you. I told him I can only do what I know how, so I help in ways that I can, like if he needs groceries and is tight on money, or he is interested in starting a new career so I worked with my mom who is in HR at a hospital to set him up with someone that does that job for a side-by-side. He is unemployed and I found out my company will allow me to cover him under my insurance if he changes his address to mine. I cook dinner for him, I pay when we go out b/c he doesn''t have money. I support him in every way I know how.

Anyways...he goes on to say things like...

"You shouldn''t come over! There are two strippers on their way!" (when I said we should talk)

"I''m walking back to the bar to get laid. Still love me now?"

When asked why he is saying such hurtful things and if he didn''t love me anymore he said,
"Yup I don''t love you anymore, just beer!"

"Im hning tfw play io tsccgffic." (I think I''m going to play in traffic...just to show you how drunk he was...almost all of this texts were this scrambled)

"f-off. I''m better off with p0rn. Why don''t you find another d**k to suck?"

When I obviously stopped replying because who can reason with a drunk person like that he got even more angry.

"If you cared you''d be here with me. You are so devious, you whine if you don''t get your way!"

and then the final straw...

"I''m going to murd## you! You lie! You don''t love me!"

At this point, as you can imagine, I was just absolutely devastated. Here is the man I love, that supposedly loves me and we are going to marry each other and have kids together and he can say these things to me. So while I know he was drunk, how can I just excuse that behavior?

After about 2 hours, now it is like 12:30am...he texts and asks what time he needed to be at my place the next day. The 18th was his birthday and I was having parents and mine over to meet for the first time for cake and ice cream for his birthday. I told him not to bother, that he should spend his birthday with the people that loved him (since I apparently didn''t). He said "Huh? What? You give me a hard time and bust my heart and act like its all me? Whatever. Who else would love me more than you. If you meant it? I told him how much he hurt me to which he responded with "Here comes the guilt..." and I said no, guilt and said I was going to bed. He called me first thing the next morning.

He was very very very upset with himself. Said he ruined his own birthday. That the thought of not being with me anymore literally made him sick when he woke up (I''m pretty sure it was just the alcohol!). He said he can''t live without me, that I''m the best thing that''s ever happened to him. He said that he doesn''t deserve me and he knows I shouldn''t even speak to him. He cried and begged and pleaded and apologized. I told him I didn''t know if our relationship could recover from everything he said. He said he can''t lose me, he won''t give up on us, etc. He came over with a dozen roses crying and begging.

I reluctently forgave him. Am I a fool?
 

Bia

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Date: 3/23/2009 1:43:04 PM
Author: fieryred33143
Depends on what he said and how much I contributed to the situation.
Right! Also depends on what I called him first and how many buttons I pushed. I''ve been known to push a few...
 

vslover

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This is so sad. You deserve so much better than this...and it sounds like he is using you. Get OUT while you can...
 

lucyandroger

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It depends...

If he said random hurtful things that didn't make much sense, then I might forgive him.

But if he said things that were personal or specific as in he must have thought about them before and they just came out for the first time because he was druck, then absolutely not.

P.S. I'm sorry if you were recently hurt by your SO. Lots of hugs!


EDITED: I just saw your update. I am so sorry this is going on. Has anything like this ever happened before? My SO rarely drinks now and NEVER gets drunk because he just has a really bad reaction to alcohol. He becomes a completely different person. I think whether you should forgive him depends on whether this is how he usually acts when he's drunk (just higher degree) and whether he's ever said anything even remotely similar while sober.

It seems like he's dealing with a lot of problems of his own right now, maybe you two should take a break for him to work on himself? And he needs to STAY. AWAY. from alcohol!!!
 

neatfreak

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This kid is nuts. Run FAR FAR away.

ETA: And what he is doing is the start of emotional ABUSE. And that can spiral very fast.
 

Bia

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Date: 3/23/2009 1:55:19 PM
Author: prettylnpink419

I reluctently forgave him. Am I a fool?
I took all the other stuff out because to address it would just make me angry, so I''ll leave that alone.

To answer this specific question, I don''t think you''re a fool, because you seem like a smart person (a way-too-nice one at that). What I am going to tell you is this:

I think you would be doing yourself a grave disservice staying with a man like him. You ought to seriously reconsider.
 

Lauren8211

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That is scary. Unforgivable.

I am actually concerned for your safety. Seriously.
 

prettylnpink419

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To also add some background...we''ve been together for 2 years and he in sober circumstances is the nicest person I''ve ever met. My sister said he freaks her out b/c he is almost too nice. He is not that guy, never has been. He''s always been extremely respectful of me and my family and friends. He has always been there whenever needed.

The only other time he got drunk during the course of our relationship was about 6 months in and he told me he loved me, wanted to marry me, and even called his Dad and 1am to tell him that he was going to marry me. So obviously this was the complete opposite.

He is out of work and has been living off of unemployment for a few months now. He has decided he wants to go back to school for nuclear medicine but can''t start classes until May and he isn''t really doing much in the way of looking for work. He is extremely depressed and basically in a rut. I''ve been trying to help and be as supportive as possible since I know it is extremely difficult to change careers, especially in today''s economy but I have faith in him.

He is really down on himself and is sleeping a lot...he was staying up really late and then sleeping all day. His doctor recently put him on a sleep medication and an anti-depressant...about 3-4 weeks ago. The anti-depressant mixed with the alcohol may have contributed to the situation on St. Patrick''s Day?

Who knows. When asked he said he has no idea why he said those things. That he would never ever in a million years hurt me and that he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me etc.
 

decodelighted

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OMG. I would *RUN* the other direction. He is telling you who he really is! MURDER you?? Seriously? He typed that. "Drunk" is no excuse.

Aside from all that, he sounds like a LOSER. You''re paying for everything ... he won''t watch your cat for 5 min? .. he demeans you callously ... and then switches it all off because its going to ruin his birthday?

 

BeachRunner

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1,493
This sounds like something I went through with an ex while in college. I do not think anyone deserves to be spoken to like that. I stayed in my crappy relationship for a little under a year
I regret wasting that time a lot.

Just be honest with yourself, and do not let a guy make you feel belittled.
 

allycat0303

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3,255
Jeez. Even one of those things would be dealbreakers for me. Never mind 6-7 things in a row. And it does sound a little crazy to me. I`ve heard that the truth comes out when you are drunk. And honestly, those things he said, seem emotionally abusive to me. I don`t know what goes on in his head when he`s NOT drunk, but he seems to have some unexpressed issues with you.
 

tlh

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Interesting question. I''ve done some embarrassing things, and said some embarrassing things... and what I get embarrassed about is just saying private things about myself, that I would prefer not be known. Its like I skip a level of the friendship building process and I am immediately your friend. I think though that alcohol to some extent makes people who they really are - removes the pretty polish- and exposes people.
Me I am a playful kid. I like to laugh, I''ll give hugs and cheek kisses - and just be playful. I am never intimate when I am drunk. I am like reverted to being like a 10 year old. I build walls around myself to not allow people that close. I reserve that only for a select few. So I like to not get drunk and let my guard down with strangers.
Now you say he said things that you have found mean and hurtful. I have been around a lot of drunk people, and no one has ever said anything that I found to be mean or hurtful. I have had some people I don''t know say some things I found rude - and I chose to never be friends with these people. But then again, it might be because I am such a likeable drunk.

Now you haven''t elaborated what he said. Were you drunk too? Sometimes we remember things differently intoxicated from reality. Also, what was said - would take a huge role into whether or not I could forgive someone, let alone my SO. Because as your SO that you are pondering marriage, this is supposed to be your biggest cheerleader, and make you feel good. So no matter how much booze is in the person, they shouldn''t have anything mean that they are thinking - regardless of how drunk they are. I''d be wondering where those thoughts came from...
I think there is a lot to consider. Bizoumom and fiery say it for me... only they offer a more condensed version.
 

sammyj

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prettyinpink, this is very concerning. Your two posts, typed 5 minute apart, depict two completely different men. It honestly sounds like he needs help. Perhaps he''s depressed like you suggested; but anyone who escalates from 0 to 1000 with a few pints in his system needs to seek help.
 

Bia

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Pretty, you're making excuses for him. If you've already decided that you want to be with him, then why ask us if you're making a mistake? I think its because you don't feel comfortable with your decision to stay, and therefore you're reaching out to strangers for advice. Think about that.

No one who loves you would tell you he loves you more than p*rn (ETA: Obviously I meant "less than p*rn"). Or that he has strippers on the way. Actually, re-reading it now, he already said he doesn't love you...in plain English.

What more do you want? One thing he is showing you is that he is inconsistent. Meaning all talk, no action. I take it you got the idea that he wanted to marry you from the night he was drunk and called his father. You have since been back saying that he backed out of that one. So there is your answer. He has a problem, whether it is self-esteem or depression, or he's just an ass, but either way, he's unstable. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't respect you? That should be highest on your list of "must haves."

I encourage you to get leave that mess alone. You deserve more.
 

Lauren8211

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Date: 3/23/2009 2:10:43 PM
Author: Bia
Pretty, you''re making excuses for him. If you''ve already decided that you want to be with him, then why ask us if you''re making a mistake? I think its because you don''t feel comfortable with your decision to stay, and therefore you''re reaching out to strangers for advice. Think about that.

No one who loves you would tell you he loves you more than p*rn. Or that he has strippers on the way. Actually, re-reading it now, he already said he doesn''t love you...in plain English.

What more do you want? One thing he is showing you is that he is inconsistent. Meaning all talk, no action. I take it you got the idea that he wanted to marry you from the night he was drunk and called his father. You have since been back saying that he backed out of that one. So there is your answer. He has a problem, whether it is self-esteem or depression, or he''s just an ass, but either way, he''s unstable. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn''t respect you? That should be highest on your list of ''must haves.''

I encourage you to get leave that mess alone. You deserve more.
Could not agree more, Bia. Well said.

His true colors are showing. THIS IS A SIGN. I''ve been there... had a BF that was abusive when drunk. IT DOESN''T GET BETTER and you CAN''T CHANGE HIM. No matter how much you buy for him or do for him. I tried that. IT does not work!

Please, please take a look at this closely. This is not healthy behavior.
 

prettylnpink419

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Oct 17, 2008
Messages
165
The truth of the matter though is that he is not that guy. He has never ever said things to me like that before, and hasn''t since. He was so humiliated that he said those things. He does not do this type of thing to me ever...ever...ever. It is soooo out of character. I told him I was really worried about him because he is obviously so angry inside and he needs to figure it out. He has an appt with week with a doctor about the meds and a therapist.

Could it have been the meds and alcohol mixed?

I just don''t understand it which is why it hurts so badly. Everyone that knows him is just as shocked but have said that it is not like him and he was obviously just drunk. People that don''t know him obviously think I''m crazy.

I don''t want to be made into a fool. I love the man, I wanted to marry him but I am really having a hard time justifying staying with him after all that.

More than anything, I love him and am really scared for him and worried about him. It is so out of character. In two years he has never even so much as raised his voice at me. When we fight he is always the calm, level headed one whereas I''m the yelling and fighter.

The only thing I did to instigate the whole text conversation was to say, "Its over between us isn''t it? Everytime you look at me its like you are angry or upset but won''t tell me why."

He definitely needs work on communication. He never tells me when he gets upset...instead he''ll bottle it all up inside. I guess the alcohol and antidepressants worked together to uncork that bottle?

I have a hard time thinking about ending our relationship because it was sooo out of character and completely opposite of the man I know and love and it has NEVER happened before.
 

decodelighted

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Date: 3/23/2009 1:55:19 PM
Author: prettylnpink419
He was very very very upset with himself. Said he ruined his own birthday. That the thought of not being with me anymore literally made him sick when he woke up (I'm pretty sure it was just the alcohol!). He said he can't live without me, that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him. He said that he doesn't deserve me and he knows I shouldn't even speak to him. He cried and begged and pleaded and apologized. I told him I didn't know if our relationship could recover from everything he said. He said he can't lose me, he won't give up on us, etc. He came over with a dozen roses crying and begging.
This paragraph is so telling. IT IS ALL ABOUT HIM. Not about him being sorry about what he did TO YOU. Its all about him being sorry that he messed things up FOR HIMSELF. HIS birthday. HIS happiness. HIS security. HIS free insurance & career advice & pocket $$ & groceries etc etc etc. HIS steady stream of nookie.

From what you've said & how he's reacting I'd guess that he has serious emotional problems and a drinking problem. He would not make a good life partner until he's worked out A BUNCH OF STUFF in long term therapy & won't ever get to that point until he loses everything & comes to terms with the JERK he's been.

Rear view mirror. That's how you should watch this accident. From your rear view mirror.
 

neatfreak

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Date: 3/23/2009 2:13:39 PM
Author: prettylnpink419
The truth of the matter though is that he is not that guy. He has never ever said things to me like that before, and hasn''t since. He was so humiliated that he said those things. He does not do this type of thing to me ever...ever...ever. It is soooo out of character. I told him I was really worried about him because he is obviously so angry inside and he needs to figure it out. He has an appt with week with a doctor about the meds and a therapist.


Could it have been the meds and alcohol mixed?


I just don''t understand it which is why it hurts so badly. Everyone that knows him is just as shocked but have said that it is not like him and he was obviously just drunk. People that don''t know him obviously think I''m crazy.


I don''t want to be made into a fool. I love the man, I wanted to marry him but I am really having a hard time justifying staying with him after all that.


More than anything, I love him and am really scared for him and worried about him. It is so out of character. In two years he has never even so much as raised his voice at me. When we fight he is always the calm, level headed one whereas I''m the yelling and fighter.


The only thing I did to instigate the whole text conversation was to say, ''Its over between us isn''t it? Everytime you look at me its like you are angry or upset but won''t tell me why.''


He definitely needs work on communication. He never tells me when he gets upset...instead he''ll bottle it all up inside. I guess the alcohol and antidepressants worked together to uncork that bottle?


I have a hard time thinking about ending our relationship because it was sooo out of character and completely opposite of the man I know and love and it has NEVER happened before.
There is always a first time for abuse. You are a fool if you stay with him- he is showing you his true colors. Listen.
 

Hudson_Hawk

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10,541
RUN.FAR.AWAY.FAST!


Seriously, your BF needs psychiatric help beyond antidepressants. No one should EVER tell you they''re going to murder you and you should NEVER put up with that. I don''t care if he cried or even held a knife to his wrist. Call the cops and 911, tell them your BF is threatening to kill himself, wait till they got there, and then never speak to the guy again.

Scary.
 

Lauren8211

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Messages
11,073
Obviously you know best, but I''ve heard that song and dance before.

You''re making excuses for him. I''ve been depressed, on anti-depressants, and drank simultaneously. I NEVER said something like that to anyone.

This is one time. Then it''ll be another time. And there are more excuses.

If you don''t want to break up yet, I''d at least keep my space until this gets straightened out. A lot of space.
 

tlh

Ideal_Rock
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I think your man is in some serious need of psychotherapy. This is beyond you. He sounds terribly depressed. You said it yourself... he''s the guy who keeps what he is thinking inside - and well a few pints - and that is waht is he is thinking. He thinks he is not worthy of your love - and tries to push you away. He is having some serious SERIOUS issues. Medication alone might not fix this. You say his dr put him on the meds - was this a psychiatrist or a regular family practice dr. I think he needs not only meds but psychoanalysis.

I am not saying you should leave him, because I do believe that life altering events like losing your job and not finding work can change your psyche. I have seen this happen to many men, especialy when they get older. They feel disposable. The medication w/ alcohol does not help... but I would only "forgive him" contingent on therapy. otherwise, be prepared for this to happen again.
 

mrscushion

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Get out while you can.

My mom always said you have to get a man drunk and watch how he behaves. Any indication of (physical or emotional) cruelty or violence or threat, get out of there as fast as you can. I think that''s what''s going on in your situation, reading the messages above.
 

Bliss

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My heart hurts for you because I can tell how much you love this guy. But I have to agree with the other wise posters in telling you that this is a godsend of a warning. That you get to see this side of him now is a blessing. I don't have a lot of experience with drunk people, but that sounds like some very very serious repressed rage that he has. Those texts also scream of some serious misogynistic tendencies. It makes me angry for you just reading them. Say this were your sister. What would you tell her to do after being treated this way?

How could anyone say they're going to murder someone they love? That is so disturbing I don't even know how to respond to it. It's very scary to read even. A person's true character comes out in times of duress and challenge. Now you're seeing part of it and I think you should take it very very seriously. The man you choose to be with forever should make you feel safe, not scared. How can you sleep next to someone who you are afraid of? I'm not saying he should be perfect, just not violent or unpredictable like this.

Also, a man who bottles things up and has no coping skills or communication tools for conflict, healthy anger or pain in general - IS A VERY DANGEROUS MAN. Clearly, he has a lot of rage inside and represses it to the point that people (like your sister) think he's as sweet as a character on Sesame Street. It's not healthy to bottle things up inside like that. That's the perfect formula for someone to snap. And it sounds like he did and this is just one incident in a series of more to come. There's a reason why you always see shocked family members or friends saying, "He seemed like SUCH a nice person..." on the news during a violence/homicide story. You need to take threats seriously, drunk or not. IT IS NOT NORMAL.

A lot of women who were victims of violence (trust me, I have volunteered at plenty of women shelters) say it started out of the blue - by a trigger like expressing a desire to leave the relationship or whatever. But at first it seems completely shocking and out of character. But it isn't. Healthy people DO NOT DO THIS. EVER. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES would a guy worthy of marrying EVER threaten his partner. EVER. I don't care if he had a pharmacy inside him mixed up with a crate of alcohol. NEVER should a man threaten or speak to a woman like that.

Please please reconsider this relationship. I'm concerned on your behalf woman-to-woman. ((HUGS))
 

Lauren8211

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Date: 3/23/2009 2:20:20 PM
Author: mscushion
Get out while you can.

My mom always said you have to get a man drunk and watch how he behaves. Any indication of (physical or emotional) cruelty or violence or threat, get out of there as fast as you can. I think that''s what''s going on in your situation, reading the messages above.
Absolutely.

I wish I would''ve paid more attention when my ex was drunk. Would''ve saved me a lot of grief and 5 years of my life.

The signs are there. PLEASE don''t ignore them. There''s always a first time for abuse. It has to start somewhere.
 
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