Do you regrets having kids?

[gem_anemone]

At the same time, I would feel more regret if I never got to experience parenthood and if I deprived my DH of experiencing it. So for me, it's choosing a path of fewer regrets, and that's why I'm having kids.

This was also me. I am all about experiencing all that life has to offer while I'm here and to me raising children is a part of that.

Congrats on the pregnancy SMC!!!

 

[gem_anemone]

After my SIL had baby #1, her husband decided he wanted to move back to Switzerland where he had family support, and his parents were getting elderly, so after being here in the US for the first 10 years of their relationship, my SIL decided, she would give Switzerland a try. Since she got her JD in the US and passed the California bar, she would have to jump through hoops to be able to practice law in Switzerland, and by that time, her hubby was in family bliss, and they started working on baby #2! He has a great income, and she does not "need" to work, but I think for the sake of her little boys, and her husband, she should find something to do once they are older. They are only 4 and 2 at the moment. when they come for their 3 week vacation to California each year, she expects all of us to drop everything and take care of all her kids' needs, because she said she needs a vacation from them. This is from the "stay at home mom" who only watches her kids full days on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Her kids go to preschool Mondays and Wednesdays, on Fridays her mother in law comes over to give her a "break" and on weekends, she leaves the boys to be watched by her hubby.

Wow yep it sounds like she only had kids for the sake of her husband. That's a tough situation with moving to another country and all too! And forgoing her degree. I just don't think I could have done that. Maybe she will enjoy her boys more when they are older...provided they don't resent her for her less than stellar motherliness when they were children.

 

[SMC]

I think I'm in the same boat cause I just know my hubby wanted one although we never have a sit-down discussion about it but a casual one. I do like the way you approached it. May I ask which age group are you in, 20s/30s?

I'm 33, DH is 38. We're no spring chickens. I know some people are meant to be mothers and go into it prepared and psyched, but for me, I know that I will never be mentally "ready", I just have to jump in and do it. My mentality wasn't going to change if I waited another 2 years even though my egg quality might.

 

[kenny]

I only got through the first page of responses, but I just wanted to mention that I think it is impossible to anticipate how you are going to "be" after you become a parent. I completely respect the choice of deciding not to procreate, however, I think it's a mistake to think you will remain selfish and resentful after becoming a parent. I don't naturally like kids and I used to find it hard to enjoy kid-related activities and became easily annoyed around children. I was of the mindset going into parenting that I would try to be as close to who I was before being a parent including doing things like getting sitters often to participate in adult-only activities that I previously enjoyed. However, once you have a child most everything you feel, believe, and think about having kids changes and I'm guessing so would your thoughts on kid-centered activities and conversations. While I strongly disliked kid-friendly activities before, I now enjoy doing them because the most important thing to me is that my kid is living the life he should live and that he is happy. It is amazing to watch your child be happy, learn, and grow. You only think you'd be resentful of always having to do kid-related things, but because you love your kid and because you want to be the best parent and because you want to see your kid enjoying life you genuinely become excited and happy to participate in kid-related activities and it becomes a hassle and a disappointment to be around your friends who don't understand that and don't want your child around. Of course when you don't have a child kid-related topics and activites can seem tedious and boring and you can't imagine enjoying them. You have no reason to enjoy them. You don't have a kid. It isn't until you actually have a kid that you can see yourself enjoying them. I realize there are people that enjoy those activites and they don't already have kids, however, I was not one of those poeple.

Of course there are days when I would enjoy having a date with the hubby only or going out with friends, but those are not as often as you would think they will be (and I think it is a mistake to deprive yourself of those things after having a child). But for the most part DH and I want and choose to do kid-related things with our kid because we love our kid. We brought him into this world, we enjoy him, and we want to be around him. I'm not saying I think you should have a kid, but being the person who doesn't really like kids other than my own nor do I really care for kid related activities, I assure you that you have no way of knowing that you will truly remain selfish once a child enters your life and I have a strong doubt that you would. My kid is only a baby, so I'm sure life gets harder as the child grows, but I strongly believe that my love for my child will only grow over time. Hope this helps put it into perspective!

I'm glad your experience of being a parent turned out to be more positive than you expected.
But people vary.
For others it is far from pleasant.
Some parents are miserable and didn't make the conversion you speak of.

You wrote, "I think it's a mistake to think you will remain selfish and resentful after becoming a parent." .
I think it is a mistake to encourage somone who doesn't want kids to give it a try anyway.
What if they still don't like it? ... bad for the kid and for the parent.

That said, I very strongly do not want kids, but I'm also a loving, responsible, moral, and practical person.
If I somehow ended up with an opps baby, or parent deaths resulted in us getting one of my nieces or nephews, I'd certainly do my best to be a good parent.
IOW, while I try to control my life I also try to accept and make the best of what I can't change.

IMO, a good parent puts the kid first.
You become a life-support unit for another human.
In a sense your life comes second.
I see parenthood as kind of a death to create a new life ... a thing that is at once beautiful but tragic.

 

[partgypsy]

IMO, if you going to have kids have them early in life..

while my friends were out having fun partying in their late 20's I had to stay home and change diapers. I'm the youngest among my friends but my kids are the oldest b/c they decided to have kids later on in life. I wouldn't wanted to trade places with them now b/c they're still changing diapers in their late 40's and early 50's.

I agree with this statement in principle. But in reality life doesn't always work out the way you intend. These days many young couples are not yet settled enough in their careers and marriage to start a family and need to wait a bit longer to do so.

My mom had me when she was around 21 and it was lovely growing up with young parents. My dad was a bit older at age 30 but he was still relatively young. I finished graduate school and my mom was still in her 40's. Very different than most of my friends who have children now.

Pros and cons to both being a young parent vs older parent and I agree that raising children can be tough physically and the younger you are the better able one can handle that aspect. But then there's the financial aspect and the emotional maturity and readiness aspect that needs to be factored in as well.

There is no one neat formula that fits all couples and all one can do is choose what works best for them.

I had kids on the older age (at 35 and 39) and yes sometimes I say to myself, I'm too old for this! I wasn't too old at 35 (perfect) but having my youngest who will be 8 this year when I am turning 47, and she won't turn 21 until the same year I'm turning 60, I'm like, I didn't think this through. Especially as for whatever reason, my husband and I have not gone on a trip, just the two of us, since the first kids came along. I didn't know that was part of the deal...
As far as regrets. I go through days where I regret having more than one (really changed our life) but I don't regret my kids specifically, I probably can't love them more than I do. The saying that a mother is a creature whose heart lives outside her body is trite but is true! So can that be a yes and no at the same time? I am brutally honest and don't care if I say something unpc, and have to admit that I am not a natural mother in some respects (not the self-sacrificing type, like time to myself etc) so having multiple children just changed my life to a magnitude more than I thought. I AM hoping that as the youngest gets older I will reclaim some of my old identity back.

And I don't think people should have kids with the idea that it will change your personality. It does make you grow, but it doesn't change your essential character. There are many reasons to have a child including the growth that comes from raising another living being, but you have to work and live within your natural strengths and weaknesses.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I'm currently 12w pregnant, and I constantly think that I might regret having kids. It's not like this pregnancy was unplanned (my DH really wants children), but I look at what I'm going to be giving up for awhile (spontaneous trips, being able to buy whatever I want and not worry about dipping into college savings, nights out, solitude, sleep!), and I think I might regret doing this. I've never been a particularly maternal individual - never babysat, changed a diaper, and you should see how stiff I am when I have to hold a newborn.

At the same time, I would feel more regret if I never got to experience parenthood and if I deprived my DH of experiencing it. So for me, it's choosing a path of fewer regrets, and that's why I'm having kids.

I know you don't need a pep talk, but I can't resist saying a couple little things. As I am sure you know, life is not a bowl of cherries no matter which path you choose to take. Any negative feelings you have post-kids may have been equally present if you did not have them, just in a different guise. I think regret is often borne of the mistaken belief that the fantasy of the life that "might have been" would be a reality if it occurred, when in fact, the reality is unknown.

And also, always remember your kid is not going to be "a kid". He or she will be a person, independent of you, with a personality and needs and a sense of humour and all kinds of interesting things. It's true that kids are hard work. But a child is also a chance to have a deep and meaningful relationship with another person, to live with another person and get to know them better than you know almost anyone else. There are interesting simple pleasures in that relationship that are too often overlooked when people think about the negatives of kids. It is all-too-easy to identify the negatives of kids pre-birth. But there are so many positives you cannot imagine, but can enjoy to the fullest if you keep and open mind and an open heart on the journey.

 

[partgypsy]

I'm currently 12w pregnant, and I constantly think that I might regret having kids. It's not like this pregnancy was unplanned (my DH really wants children), but I look at what I'm going to be giving up for awhile (spontaneous trips, being able to buy whatever I want and not worry about dipping into college savings, nights out, solitude, sleep!), and I think I might regret doing this. I've never been a particularly maternal individual - never babysat, changed a diaper, and you should see how stiff I am when I have to hold a newborn.

At the same time, I would feel more regret if I never got to experience parenthood and if I deprived my DH of experiencing it. So for me, it's choosing a path of fewer regrets, and that's why I'm having kids.

I know you don't need a pep talk, but I can't resist saying a couple little things. As I am sure you know, life is not a bowl of cherries no matter which path you choose to take. Any negative feelings you have post-kids may have been equally present if you did not have them, just in a different guise. I think regret is often borne of the mistaken belief that the fantasy of the life that "might have been" would be a reality if it occurred, when in fact, the reality is unknown.

And also, always remember your kid is not going to be "a kid". He or she will be a person, independent of you, with a personality and needs and a sense of humour and all kinds of interesting things. It's true that kids are hard work. But a child is also a chance to have a deep and meaningful relationship with another person, to live with another person and get to know them better than you know almost anyone else. There are interesting simple pleasures in that relationship that are too often overlooked when people think about the negatives of kids. It is all-too-easy to identify the negatives of kids pre-birth. But there are so many positives you cannot imagine, but can enjoy to the fullest if you keep and open mind and an open heart on the journey.

This is sweet.

 

[SMC]

I'm currently 12w pregnant, and I constantly think that I might regret having kids. It's not like this pregnancy was unplanned (my DH really wants children), but I look at what I'm going to be giving up for awhile (spontaneous trips, being able to buy whatever I want and not worry about dipping into college savings, nights out, solitude, sleep!), and I think I might regret doing this. I've never been a particularly maternal individual - never babysat, changed a diaper, and you should see how stiff I am when I have to hold a newborn.

At the same time, I would feel more regret if I never got to experience parenthood and if I deprived my DH of experiencing it. So for me, it's choosing a path of fewer regrets, and that's why I'm having kids.

I know you don't need a pep talk, but I can't resist saying a couple little things. As I am sure you know, life is not a bowl of cherries no matter which path you choose to take. Any negative feelings you have post-kids may have been equally present if you did not have them, just in a different guise. I think regret is often borne of the mistaken belief that the fantasy of the life that "might have been" would be a reality if it occurred, when in fact, the reality is unknown.

And also, always remember your kid is not going to be "a kid". He or she will be a person, independent of you, with a personality and needs and a sense of humour and all kinds of interesting things. It's true that kids are hard work. But a child is also a chance to have a deep and meaningful relationship with another person, to live with another person and get to know them better than you know almost anyone else. There are interesting simple pleasures in that relationship that are too often overlooked when people think about the negatives of kids. It is all-too-easy to identify the negatives of kids pre-birth. But there are so many positives you cannot imagine, but can enjoy to the fullest if you keep and open mind and an open heart on the journey.

Thank you. I know that I will enjoy getting to know another person and watching him/her develop under my influence. I don't doubt that I will be a present and loving mother either. I agree with Kenny - I look at motherhood as the death of my current life - but then it's turning a page to my new life. I have no idea if I will like the new life more (and I hope so), but I know that I'd regret not going for it. Plus, my DH is sooo excited about the baby, and our families are soooo excited about the baby, that I know that it is the right decision (for me).

 

[alene]

I definitely had moments of wondering what the hell we got ourselves into and how are we going to make it through those baby years. I wouldn't say I have regrets but I was going into it with pretty realistic expectations that the first couple of years will be really tough and things will eventually start getting better. (They did when the kids were around 4). I believe research shows pretty consistently that parents of young children are a miserable bunch but happiness generally improves as kids get older. Yes my kids are amazing little people and I enjoy them immensely. I also get more frustrated, infuriated and driven completely crazy by them than any other person in the world. I think having them when it was absolutely the right time for us in any possible respect really helped too. And still, it's the hardest thing I've ever done.

 

[LLJsmom]

I'm sure I've said this before in another thread. I did not want kids, but I promised my husband (before we got married) that I would, so I did. He for sure wanted kids, and it was a deal breaker. So it was more important to be with him that not. I tried putting it off after we got married but I got pregnant at 30 because I didn't want the risk of complications to increase as I aged. Anyway, even though I was NEVER a kid person, and so NOT a nurturer, I did gave birth at 31. I was MISERABLE through the whole pregnancy, and much happier after giving birth. I did not emotionally connect with my son until he turned one. Then it was like a switch flipped and I totally got into being a mom, and immediately wanted another. We waited another year, and then got pregnant. This time I was ecstatic. I loved being pregnant, loved everything about being a mom and being pregnant again. Crazy huh??

I never regretted becoming a parent after I gave birth, but I was a miserable pregnant woman. And I was miserable nursing. And I was miserable pumping. But, still, NO regrets because the love I got to experience and the joy in spite of everything I was going through, made all of it worth it.

I know it's totally contradictory, and I can't explain it except to say how I felt. Whether it makes sense or not is another story. Good luck.

 

[LaraOnline]

After my SIL had baby #1, her husband decided he wanted to move back to Switzerland where he had family support, and his parents were getting elderly, so after being here in the US for the first 10 years of their relationship, my SIL decided, she would give Switzerland a try. Since she got her JD in the US and passed the California bar, she would have to jump through hoops to be able to practice law in Switzerland, and by that time, her hubby was in family bliss, and they started working on baby #2! He has a great income, and she does not "need" to work, but I think for the sake of her little boys, and her husband, she should find something to do once they are older. They are only 4 and 2 at the moment. when they come for their 3 week vacation to California each year, she expects all of us to drop everything and take care of all her kids' needs, because she said she needs a vacation from them. This is from the "stay at home mom" who only watches her kids full days on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Her kids go to preschool Mondays and Wednesdays, on Fridays her mother in law comes over to give her a "break" and on weekends, she leaves the boys to be watched by her hubby.

Wow yep it sounds like she only had kids for the sake of her husband. That's a tough situation with moving to another country and all too! And forgoing her degree. I just don't think I could have done that. Maybe she will enjoy her boys more when they are older...provided they don't resent her for her less than stellar motherliness when they were children.

I dunno. I don't feel like criticising this lady. TBH I reckon any woman who manages her pregnancy reasonably responsibly and and then gives birth deserves life long plaudits. After having my own kids I happen to theorise that even a woman who abandons her newborn at a hospital deserves a degree of respect for the actual effort and shall we say discomfort of creating new life. Managing little kids is tiring. Being a 'stay at home mum' is hardly a life of leisure, it is boring and usually revolves around solving other peoples' problems lol.

So yes she probably does need a rest. In Australia there is a massive debate about whether non-working women should have access to subsidised child care. Apart from the fact that it is non-working women who are supporting the subsidy of childcare (through the tax of their husband) they are not slaves and should be able to have adult company and spit-free clothes for some hours of the week.

 

[livannie]

I have 2 girls, 4 and 5. I could never say I regret having them. They really mean everything to me and it's true that being a mom is like nothing else. But sometimes I feel like 2 is all I can handle. Families around me have lots of kids, like 5 or more. I always wanted a big family and I envy the ladies that can do it all. I have a friend that is pregnant with her sixth and she is not going insane. She is so organized, her house is clean, she is always so happyn and I have no idea how she can do it all.
My oldest daughter is very hyper, I think she might have ADD. She is like a genius though and I am not just saying that because she is my daughter. But I am always getting after her for getting into things. She colors on walls, gets into my makeup, dumps out soap and shampoo, cuts her own hair, she is constantly making messes. It's like her little body can't control itself. No matter how much I get after her, it doesn't matter, it goes through one ear and out the other. I don't know how to control her.
My second daughter is a pretty good listener and she can sit still. She acts like she should be the oldest sister but she does have a temper that comes out sometimes. I think if my oldest daughter acted more like her little sister, I would want more kids.
I think the hardest part of being a mom for me is sometimes I feel I don't know the right way to teach my kids. My mom used to beat me with a belt when I was 4 or 5 until I was maybe 12. I don't want to ever do that to my kids and never will but people tell me I don't discipline them enough.
I feel like I need Super nanny to come to my house and teach me.
But I love my girls very much and they are fun ages now where we can go places and do fun things. I would never change having them. I just want to be a good parent and sometimes I freak out because I don't know if I am doing a good enough job. But it's the best and hardest thing I've ever done.

 

[LaraOnline]

I'm currently 12w pregnant, and I constantly think that I might regret having kids. It's not like this pregnancy was unplanned (my DH really wants children), but I look at what I'm going to be giving up for awhile (spontaneous trips, being able to buy whatever I want and not worry about dipping into college savings, nights out, solitude, sleep!), and I think I might regret doing this. I've never been a particularly maternal individual - never babysat, changed a diaper, and you should see how stiff I am when I have to hold a newborn.

At the same time, I would feel more regret if I never got to experience parenthood and if I deprived my DH of experiencing it. So for me, it's choosing a path of fewer regrets, and that's why I'm having kids.

Don't worry. You grow into parenthood. It takes time to grow a baby and it takes time to grow into a mummy!
Also, something magical happens during labor. I went into the hospital maternity ward aware of every crying baby.
The crying babies were giving me that real nails-on-a-chalkboard feeling.
I was really worried my baby's crying would really drive me mad.
After labour? Must have been the hormones! Baby cries didn't bother me for years and years after.
Besides you've done it now lol. You might as well enjoy it (parenthood) because you've certainly earned it!!

 

[LaraOnline]

I definitely had moments of wondering what the hell we got ourselves into and how are we going to make it through those baby years. I wouldn't say I have regrets but I was going into it with pretty realistic expectations that the first couple of years will be really tough and things will eventually start getting better. (They did when the kids were around 4). I believe research shows pretty consistently that parents of young children are a miserable bunch but happiness generally improves as kids get older. Yes my kids are amazing little people and I enjoy them immensely. I also get more frustrated, infuriated and driven completely crazy by them than any other person in the world. I think having them when it was absolutely the right time for us in any possible respect really helped too. And still, it's the hardest thing I've ever done.

Can you be miserable and estatic at the same time?
Yes I at times felt so isolated with small stay-at-home children that I think looking back I became a little depressed.
However I had no family support (apart from my husband, who was at work all the time).

But it is also just more than a little bit special to have little darlings at home with you. It is an amazing time in your marriage as well because of the presence of this gorgeous little people.

My friends who have strong support - I'm thinking of one particularly here who has no problems dropping her children off to her m-i-l for a week or so every few months lol - are very strong and active mothers, and feel very happy with their lot.
Like any 24/7 career, burnout is a massive, massive, massive (hidden) issue for mothers I think, and it shows up in stressed mothers who shout and yell etc etc.

Time does move on, having the children at school creates its own factors in that you have to deal with another institution, and other people's requirements, but it does allow you a couple of hours free time every day. Between 9-11am is 'my time'. I definitely started feeling more 'human' less 'nanny goat' when the kids reached school going age. A teeny romantic homefire glow dimmed slightly though, as well, when my babies went off to school.

 

[partgypsy]

I feel very very fortunate that my children are generally healthy and well adjusted kids. My youngest though does have a learning disability. Emotionally she can also be - intense, and extremely demanding of me. So that is another thing people should consider, that they may NOT have the ideal scenario. Worse case to the extent that there is no end to parenting. If you don't think you would be able to handle that possibility, probably better not to have a child.

 

[canuk-gal]

I definitely had moments of wondering what the hell we got ourselves into and how are we going to make it through those baby years. I wouldn't say I have regrets but I was going into it with pretty realistic expectations that the first couple of years will be really tough and things will eventually start getting better. (They did when the kids were around 4). I believe research shows pretty consistently that parents of young children are a miserable bunch but happiness generally improves as kids get older. Yes my kids are amazing little people and I enjoy them immensely.


What research..?....?..I dunno, I think it is marriage that makes them/us miserable. Or at least that is how I would interpret such data

FWIW, being a mother is a pleasure. Everything else pales.

cheers--Sharon

 

[livannie]

I wanted to say that before I had kids, I wasn't crazy about other people's babies, I thought they were cute but holding them didn't really make me want to have one. The moment my first daughter was born, I was crazy about her, I didn't want to let anyone hold her. She was the most beautiful thing in the world to me. Same thing with my second. I loved it when they were babies. I wouldn't say it gets easier as they get older,I would say it's hard in different ways. But being a mother is a beautiful thing. You have these little people who love you no matter what, who think you are the smartest person in the world, (that will change when they're teenagers I am sure). But they love you like no one else can and you will love them more than you have ever loved anyone.

 

[gem_anemone]

I only got through the first page of responses, but I just wanted to mention that I think it is impossible to anticipate how you are going to "be" after you become a parent. I completely respect the choice of deciding not to procreate, however, I think it's a mistake to think you will remain selfish and resentful after becoming a parent. I don't naturally like kids and I used to find it hard to enjoy kid-related activities and became easily annoyed around children. I was of the mindset going into parenting that I would try to be as close to who I was before being a parent including doing things like getting sitters often to participate in adult-only activities that I previously enjoyed. However, once you have a child most everything you feel, believe, and think about having kids changes and I'm guessing so would your thoughts on kid-centered activities and conversations. While I strongly disliked kid-friendly activities before, I now enjoy doing them because the most important thing to me is that my kid is living the life he should live and that he is happy. It is amazing to watch your child be happy, learn, and grow. You only think you'd be resentful of always having to do kid-related things, but because you love your kid and because you want to be the best parent and because you want to see your kid enjoying life you genuinely become excited and happy to participate in kid-related activities and it becomes a hassle and a disappointment to be around your friends who don't understand that and don't want your child around. Of course when you don't have a child kid-related topics and activites can seem tedious and boring and you can't imagine enjoying them. You have no reason to enjoy them. You don't have a kid. It isn't until you actually have a kid that you can see yourself enjoying them. I realize there are people that enjoy those activites and they don't already have kids, however, I was not one of those poeple.

Of course there are days when I would enjoy having a date with the hubby only or going out with friends, but those are not as often as you would think they will be (and I think it is a mistake to deprive yourself of those things after having a child). But for the most part DH and I want and choose to do kid-related things with our kid because we love our kid. We brought him into this world, we enjoy him, and we want to be around him. I'm not saying I think you should have a kid, but being the person who doesn't really like kids other than my own nor do I really care for kid related activities, I assure you that you have no way of knowing that you will truly remain selfish once a child enters your life and I have a strong doubt that you would. My kid is only a baby, so I'm sure life gets harder as the child grows, but I strongly believe that my love for my child will only grow over time. Hope this helps put it into perspective!

I'm glad your experience of being a parent turned out to be more positive than you expected.
But people vary.
For others it is far from pleasant.
Some parents are miserable and didn't make the conversion you speak of.

You wrote, "I think it's a mistake to think you will remain selfish and resentful after becoming a parent." .
I think it is a mistake to encourage somone who doesn't want kids to give it a try anyway.
What if they still don't like it? ... bad for the kid and for the parent.

That said, I very strongly do not want kids, but I'm also a loving, responsible, moral, and practical person.
If I somehow ended up with an opps baby, or parent deaths resulted in us getting one of my nieces or nephews, I'd certainly do my best to be a good parent.
IOW, while I try to control my life I also try to accept and make the best of what I can't change.

IMO, a good parent puts the kid first.
You become a life-support unit for another human.
In a sense your life comes second.
I see parenthood as kind of a death to create a new life ... a thing that is at once beautiful but tragic.

I don't think you saw any of my responses after my initial post because after reading some responses I came to the conclusion that the only person that would be able to decide whether she was up for becoming a parent was the OP and nothing that any of us say would be able to tell her better than her own gut feeling.

Maybe I'm wrong but it seems like most people that know they don't want kids are like you and they just know it. I would never suggest that everyone should have kids, especially not people who are absolutely sure they aren't up for parenthood. However, if someone is thinking about becoming a parent I just wanted to let them consider the fact that for most of us parents it's not as "bad" as we think it's going to be.

 

[LaraOnline]

IMO, a good parent puts the kid first.
You become a life-support unit for another human.
In a sense your life comes second.
I see parenthood as kind of a death to create a new life ... a thing that is at once beautiful but tragic.

I don't think you saw any of my responses after my initial post because after reading some responses I came to the conclusion that the only person that would be able to decide whether she was up for becoming a parent was the OP and nothing that any of us say would be able to tell her better than her own gut feeling.

Maybe I'm wrong but it seems like most people that know they don't want kids are like you and they just know it. I would never suggest that everyone should have kids, especially not people who are absolutely sure they aren't up for parenthood. However, if someone is thinking about becoming a parent I just wanted to let them consider the fact that for most of us parents it's not as "bad" as we think it's going to be.

I certainly don't think everyone should become a parent. I think it is very refreshing that people have other choices now, and that women especially need not have parenthood as their only choice. There is a lot more to human experience than play dough, college funds and the dreaded school run!
That said, I am glad that a large proportion of us do become parents.
I feel parenthood has a great influence on society as a whole, slowing us down and making us a more caring (and careful!) society.

 

[anne_h]

I can't say I regret, but I do sometimes wish I didn't have kids.

I am someone who needs quiet & alone time, and with kids, there is much less of that. There is also the financial impact.

We both work full-time (my career is important to me) and have no family nearby for support. So we only have each other and have to tag-team if we want any free time for ourselves. Our youngest are twins, so that made things harder.

But definitely the situation improves as the kids get older. Already I can see glimpses of "my life" returning. Fingers crossed!! lol

Anne

 

[CRYSTAL24K]

No regrets! I have 2 1/2 year old twin boys and they are a lot of work but I can't imagine life without them. I also love how they have made the relationship between my husband and myself richer. Hubby and I were always great together and experiencing things as a family is so incredibly rewarding and sweet.

I do have a friend who did not want children. She had a deal with her hubby to have at least one. She did have one and then another and she is absolutely smitten. She is the best mom and they are a happy family. Her hubby is a military man so she has had to shoulder a lot of the parenting while he was active and even then she had no regrets in having them.

 

[CJ2008]

Some people regret having kids. I know a few, and I know some who regret aspects of their changed lives, while not actually regretting having the children. I think that's probably not unusual. I never really wanted children. I was quite complete and happy without, and kids never really featured in my plans. I never dreamed of having a family, and my own relationship with my mother has always been difficult. I liked my life and my marriage just fine.

I had a baby when I was in my 30s after deciding that maybe it would be ok (I admit, I thought we had a few years of trying ahead of us, plenty time for a change of heart... nope). As it happens, I have no regrets. I think there are a few variables in there though, and some that were out of my own control. Firstly, I have a child I get along with. After the baby and toddler stage, which comes with its own demands, it's another person living in your house. I think it helps a lot in all sorts of ways if you like and enjoy each other. That I have deep love for her isn't the point. Loving a child is on a different level, and I didn't understand it until I had one. Liking the child? I think that might be different. Enjoying their company probably is too. If I didn't like hanging out with her and if we didn't enjoy each others' personalities like we do, I might well regret having to give so much of myself. As it is, I don't at all. I got a fairly easy baby, and an easy to love child. I totally understand that not all children are easy to raise, and it's luck on my part, rather than anything I did or did not do that mine is easy to love, parent and live with. On that score, it's a bit of a gamble. My daughter completes me, and completes my husband in a way that's hard to describe, but that's because of who she is as much as because she's our kid.

The other big, big thing that features in making my life with a child so good is that I waited until I was quite sure that my spouse saw his role as being one of two parents. I was clear that he saw no distinction between 'parent' and 'mother' or 'father'. Because I don't want to be responsible for it all, or even most of it.I don't want to be in charge of the drudge work. I don't want to do more than my share of stuff. I emphatically do not wish to have a husband who 'helps' me with family life. I know plenty people with the opposite view and that's none of my business, not something it would be appropriate for me to have a view on, or comment on. Each to their own, for sure. I just had to be 100% certain that my spouse wasn't one of them, as I personally wouldn't have been willing to have a child in those circumstances.

On balance, we have a richer, happier and more satisfying life with a child than without (and I'd like to think we're giving her a good life too). So many variables that could have tipped it in the other direction, though.

I'd never suggest to someone else that they should have a child. My experience is just that - mine. Others will be different. You might regret it, or you might not - I think most people don't regret it, and that while it isn't unheard of, regret for the whole enterprise is probably comparatively rare. If you have significant doubts, and you're happy as you are, I'd give it a miss until or if you feel differently. Because for good or bad, it is certainly a huge life change! Good luck with your decision.

Jennifer W your post has stuck with me ever since I first read it because they are the exact things I think about and I don't know that I ever heard anyone else voice these thoughts in this way.

 

[Jennifer W]

Some people regret having kids. I know a few, and I know some who regret aspects of their changed lives, while not actually regretting having the children. I think that's probably not unusual. I never really wanted children. I was quite complete and happy without, and kids never really featured in my plans. I never dreamed of having a family, and my own relationship with my mother has always been difficult. I liked my life and my marriage just fine.

I had a baby when I was in my 30s after deciding that maybe it would be ok (I admit, I thought we had a few years of trying ahead of us, plenty time for a change of heart... nope). As it happens, I have no regrets. I think there are a few variables in there though, and some that were out of my own control. Firstly, I have a child I get along with. After the baby and toddler stage, which comes with its own demands, it's another person living in your house. I think it helps a lot in all sorts of ways if you like and enjoy each other. That I have deep love for her isn't the point. Loving a child is on a different level, and I didn't understand it until I had one. Liking the child? I think that might be different. Enjoying their company probably is too. If I didn't like hanging out with her and if we didn't enjoy each others' personalities like we do, I might well regret having to give so much of myself. As it is, I don't at all. I got a fairly easy baby, and an easy to love child. I totally understand that not all children are easy to raise, and it's luck on my part, rather than anything I did or did not do that mine is easy to love, parent and live with. On that score, it's a bit of a gamble. My daughter completes me, and completes my husband in a way that's hard to describe, but that's because of who she is as much as because she's our kid.

The other big, big thing that features in making my life with a child so good is that I waited until I was quite sure that my spouse saw his role as being one of two parents. I was clear that he saw no distinction between 'parent' and 'mother' or 'father'. Because I don't want to be responsible for it all, or even most of it.I don't want to be in charge of the drudge work. I don't want to do more than my share of stuff. I emphatically do not wish to have a husband who 'helps' me with family life. I know plenty people with the opposite view and that's none of my business, not something it would be appropriate for me to have a view on, or comment on. Each to their own, for sure. I just had to be 100% certain that my spouse wasn't one of them, as I personally wouldn't have been willing to have a child in those circumstances.

On balance, we have a richer, happier and more satisfying life with a child than without (and I'd like to think we're giving her a good life too). So many variables that could have tipped it in the other direction, though.

I'd never suggest to someone else that they should have a child. My experience is just that - mine. Others will be different. You might regret it, or you might not - I think most people don't regret it, and that while it isn't unheard of, regret for the whole enterprise is probably comparatively rare. If you have significant doubts, and you're happy as you are, I'd give it a miss until or if you feel differently. Because for good or bad, it is certainly a huge life change! Good luck with your decision.

Jennifer W your post has stuck with me ever since I first read it because they are the exact things I think about and I don't know that I ever heard anyone else voice these thoughts in this way.

I'm glad! I'm sorry, I don't recall if you have children - haven't had much PS time lately and I feel like I'm out of touch with folks here.

I was thinking a bit more about this thread, and I would add, people have said that their lives as they knew them are over but that hasn't really been my experience (not saying that's a good or bad thing, but just that it wasn't as dramatic a change as I'd actually expected). The first year or so did feel a bit like that, but it was a fixed period in my life, because I had 14 months of leave, and I had a date when I knew things were going to go back to 'normal' if that makes sense. My husband was able to take leave of absence from work too, so we had a lot of time to get close as a family, and I really believe it was what made things so good for us. I know this is rarely possible and we were very, very fortunate. Time to adjust made the adjustments easier, if that makes sense. Then when I went back to work, again, it was all about good luck and great circumstances, because my husband's workplace offers high quality childcare. I ended up working in the same place after a while, a sort of buy two get one free for our employer... Works really well, no one is under too much strain, no one is shouldering too great a burden, and we are all very involved with each other, if that makes sense. I think it would be all to easy to 'lose' your own lifestyle, particularly if for whatever reason, the bulk of the childcare tasks fall to you. I would have found it very hard to do much or most of it on my own.

Which brings me to my other point - I think we're pretty darned good parents though I say so myself, but we don't, as a general rule, put our kid first, at least not all the time. We meet all of her needs, of course we do, and with pleasure, and we meet some of her wants and even a few of her whims, but there are three of us in the family, and we all deserve to have our needs and some of our wants met. A baby is obviously different, but as she's growing up, we try to be clear that no one person in the family matters most, and that no one will be getting the short end of the stick every time either. On the whole, we don't have regrets essentially because we don't have anything to regret and nothing sacrificed - we haven't had a massive change in lifestyle (we were not what you'd call wild to start with, and we live in a very small semi-rural village - if you live a rock n roll lifestyle in a fast paced city, your mileage may vary by quite a lot...). We're careful as parents to make sure we both get what we need, and that we meet our child's needs. I'm not prevented from living as I choose, but then, my lifestyle wasn't what you'd call fast lane thrill seeking anyway. Overall though, things are more fun with this little person to share them with.

 

[SparklyOEC]

The love you have for a child is something you can't describe - it just has to be experienced. I think there are probably some people who are disappointed in the way their children turned out or in the relationship that they have with them. I think there are fewer still that would honestly say they regret it. Children add another dimension to your life that can't be compared to anything else - not pets, not nieces and nephews, not anything. There are people who choose to remain childless and I respect them for their decision. I am very happy that I had my two children and would not trade that experience for anything else In life. They are now grown and starting their own families. Being a grandparent expands the world of your children to another very enjoyable level.

For some people, raising their children and sometimes their grandchildren, has been challenging. It can be a financial challenge, a personal challenge and probably a lot of heartache when situations went bad through divorce or death. I still don't think most of those folks would have regretted having the children - they would have just wished that circumstances could have been different.

I would never counsel anyone to either have or not have children - and that includes my own children. It is a very personal decision and will require a huge amount of commitment and often sacrifice. It makes you step outside of the 'me' realm of life and often times consider someone else's well being before your own. From that, some of life's greatest rewards are found. For me, it was one of the greatest privileges of my life and certainly not something I have ever regretted.

+1 - just so eloquently said...I couldn't add anything else.