Do you regrets having kids?

[JaneSmith]

I do not regret having my daughter. At all. I have become a much better person, thanks in part to motherhood, and she is the most wonderful, funny, intelligent, caring, frustrating person I know.

There were times when she was a wee babe and not sleeping well that I wanted to drop kick her into a paddock at 5am, and I thought that I had made the worst mistake of my life by having a baby. But when she night weaned and I did a little gentle sleep training, things got better.

Before I made the decision to become pregnant, I would have been happy to stay child free or become a mother. The important thing is that I knew, as much a child free person can, that I would be a good parent and wanted to raise a child.

I regret circumstances and choices that make having a second child impossible, yet I do not regret that my daughter is an only child.

 

[missy]

IMO, if you going to have kids have them early in life..

while my friends were out having fun partying in their late 20's I had to stay home and change diapers. I'm the youngest among my friends but my kids are the oldest b/c they decided to have kids later on in life. I wouldn't wanted to trade places with them now b/c they're still changing diapers in their late 40's and early 50's.

I agree with this statement in principle. But in reality life doesn't always work out the way you intend. These days many young couples are not yet settled enough in their careers and marriage to start a family and need to wait a bit longer to do so.

My mom had me when she was around 21 and it was lovely growing up with young parents. My dad was a bit older at age 30 but he was still relatively young. I finished graduate school and my mom was still in her 40's. Very different than most of my friends who have children now.

Pros and cons to both being a young parent vs older parent and I agree that raising children can be tough physically and the younger you are the better able one can handle that aspect. But then there's the financial aspect and the emotional maturity and readiness aspect that needs to be factored in as well.

There is no one neat formula that fits all couples and all one can do is choose what works best for them.

But having kids later , at 31, allowed me to get an education and have a career some women who have kids young still have that, but most don't (I am not making that it, it's a population statistic). Women's careers in particular are most adversely affected than men's are by having kids young. Also older parents tend to be in more stable marriages and weather the storms of children better -- in other words they have lower rates of divorce. Better marriage and better job seems to compensate for diapers in your 50s

Yes I completely agree. There are positives and negatives to both sides. It's great growing up with a young parent and the potential to do so much more with your children and then really enjoy the grandkids while one is young enough to do so.

Then there are the pros of having an older wiser more experienced and financially stable family and the advantages they enjoy. However all generalizations.

I see how challenging it is for my BIL with my nieces. He is older than my sister by about 15 years and I see how exhausted he is all the time. He is a great papa and does everything he can with the girls. Very hands on and very much in their lives. But it is taking its toll on him to be sure. As for grandchildren who knows what the future holds but chances are less likely he will be around for very long to enjoy them. Though I hate being so morbid. It's just my frame of mind these days...sorry!

The wonderful thing is there are so many different options for all different types of families and choice can be a wonderful thing. It is great that older couples (among others that never had the same opportunities in the past but now do) can realize their dream of raising a family whereas a long time ago the possibility was not even there.

 

[Calliecake]

I have never had children and wanted them very badly. My husband had always said if we had them great, if not great and was not really interested in adopting. I wanted to adopt but felt if he didn't, I had to let it go and accept a life without a child. As i have gotten older I really regret not insisting we adopt. We got a puppy a few years ago and I cannot believe how my husband is with her. He is so sweet and gentle with her and treats her like his baby. I always knew I would treat her that way but he totally surprised me. I can only imagine how wonderful he would have been with a child.

I am extremely fortunate that I'm very close to my nieces and nephews. I'm so grateful I get to be their aunt.

I think many times I have a hard time seeing any of the downside to having children. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side. Like others have mentioned, I too am very lucky to have the life I have. I have a great husband, a beautiful home, lots of nice things and am very financially secure. Although I know I would still have all of these thing even if we had been lucky enough to have children. I do believe being a parent is the hardest job anyone could do.

 

[rockhoundofficiando]

no. I think far more people regret not having children...

 

[packrat]

My brother will never have kids, even tho he wants them. His wife will never allow it. And if there happened to be an oops I'm pretty sure he'd end up a single dad. It makes me feel bad. I think he's pretty resigned to not being a daddy. So..I have to content myself with drumming my fingers on the table until my lead teacher at work makes me a pseudo aunt and I can do all the crazy aunt stuff like drawing spock eyebrows on her baby.

 

[redwood66]

IMO, if you going to have kids have them early in life..

while my friends were out having fun partying in their late 20's I had to stay home and change diapers. I'm the youngest among my friends but my kids are the oldest b/c they decided to have kids later on in life. I wouldn't wanted to trade places with them now b/c they're still changing diapers in their late 40's and early 50's. I gave up my freedoms in my late 20's and early 30's to have freedoms in my early 50's, in fact DD #1 cook and serve us dinner at least twice a week at her house now...

This is so true! Our twins are 22 and have been out of the house (in the navy) since 18. We enjoy our free time and have more $$ in our pockets to boot! I was the friend who would not hold or babysit your baby and did not have a burning desire to have kids. So obviously everyone thought it hilarious and befitting that I get pregnant with twins. But they are one of the best things we have ever accomplished and we are so proud of them. I would not change a thing. Even the times I was sure they would not make it to 18 by my own hand. I am just glad I did not have a girl as that might have been more difficult. I am not the most girly girl role model that is for sure.

 

[Dancing Fire]

MGR- both of your posts are just BEAUTIFUL.

Yes! very well said by MGR...

 

[Dancing Fire]

no. I think far more people regret not having children...

Don't say that on PS..

 

[NOYFB]

no. I think far more people regret not having children...

I don't regret it at all.

 

[aljdewey]

I always thought I'd be a mother when I was younger, but by the time I met my husband, I was pushing 37 and my perspective had changed tremendously. We consciously decided not to have children. I'm nearly 49 now, and despite declarations from tons of people that I will eventually regret it, I have to say that we haven't regretted our choice.

I've made it a priority to be present in the lives of my friends' kids, and I've loved them as though they were my own. Some are now adults, and hearing them recount childhood memories spent with me humbles me. When they articulate now how meaningful my involvement was and still is to them, I feel that my role as the energetic and loving auntie was the one I was meant to fulfill.

 

[packrat]

I always thought I'd be a mother when I was younger, but by the time I met my husband, I was pushing 37 and my perspective had changed tremendously. We consciously decided not to have children. I'm nearly 49 now, and despite declarations from tons of people that I will eventually regret it, I have to say that we haven't regretted our choice.

I've made it a priority to be present in the lives of my friends' kids, and I've loved them as though they were my own. Some are now adults, and hearing them recount childhood memories spent with me humbles me. When they articulate now how meaningful my involvement was and still is to them, I feel that my role as the energetic and loving auntie was the one I was meant to fulfill.

love.

 

[mochiko42]

I always thought I'd be a mother when I was younger, but by the time I met my husband, I was pushing 37 and my perspective had changed tremendously. We consciously decided not to have children. I'm nearly 49 now, and despite declarations from tons of people that I will eventually regret it, I have to say that we haven't regretted our choice.

I've made it a priority to be present in the lives of my friends' kids, and I've loved them as though they were my own. Some are now adults, and hearing them recount childhood memories spent with me humbles me. When they articulate now how meaningful my involvement was and still is to them, I feel that my role as the energetic and loving auntie was the one I was meant to fulfill.

love.

Thank you for sharing your story.

 

[stracci2000]

There are parents out there who regret it, it's just extremely rare to find one who will admit it out loud.
And mochiko, that's one of the oldest and worst reasons people always give. There's no guarantees in life; if someone is lonely in their old age it's usually their own fault.

Some women had a discussion on this topic on another board maybe 6-7 years ago. A couple of them actually said "I had two children, but wish I hadn't because I never really enjoyed raising them and if I knew then what I know now, I would have opted out." That surprised me but they did say that.

eta: A former coworker said she had two children that she didn't want, both times because birth control pills didn't work. She accepted the children and raised them well, but she wasn't 100% onboard with the creation of either of them. She said she was through with kids after raising hers and would not be doing any babysitting or raising of grandkids. /eta

I never had any, because I always found other things and more cerebral pursuits much more interesting. The farther I got from childhood, the less I ever wanted to revisit it or do the gruntwork of being a parent. I never enjoyed my own child hood very much, and found being an adult far more interesting and fulfilling, so I guess that's why I always found motherhood more repulsive than attractive.

I have no regrets. I hate homemaking and childrearing. Always have. Motherhood doesn't suit me. I have been that way since age 6, when I decided that I don't like the way most mothers were treated, and doing all the household crapwork was not something that would ever be important to me. Others may feel differently, but I like a childfree lifestyle without people jerking my chain and putting me through the emotional wringer. I have no regrets; I was not programmed to lust after parenthood. I love raising cats, probably because their real moms do all the crapwork and being catmom is more akin to skipping parenting altogether and taking more of a grandparent or mentor role with few responsibilities.

As for "if someone is lonely in their old age it's usually their own fault," I don't think that's it's accurate at all. I currently live in a small town, in the middle of decaying Rust Belt. No matter where you go in NE OH and NW PA, it's crime, decay, and rot. Life for the women here is completely and I do mean completely "they do things with their children." It's a weird insular provincial culture where women are almost under house arrest once they marry and start having babies, and 3-4 kids or more is still pretty much what is expected with the region being mostly working class Catholic and all. The college grads all more away, but parents remain behind because it's their home and they like their house and friends and memories and they don't want to uproot themselves and go to some strangeplace and start over. The local industries were shut down, the towns steadily decay, the ambitious and skilled and employable people leave, and civic organizations died out and crime increased and then ghetto people and renters started taking over the housing in towns, forcing middle class and white to move farther out into countryside. So, if you look at all of that dismal picture, it's very possible for a person to be elderly and isolated and lonely through no real fault of their own. The only "fault," if you can call it that, is outliving your peers and spouse, and having globalization and post-industrial blight kill off the town that you call home.

I saw an actual 2-car funeral just the other day. Such is life in postindustrial Rust Belt. I'm socially isolated and alone here, and there's really nothing I can do about it, because single adult child-free professional woman with a college education just doesn't have a part in the demographics of this place. I'm a one-off, something they've never seen before.

Oh, Wow TC1987, I could have written these exact words. I, too, am from Western PA, and know exactly what you mean. In that culture, girls graduated high school. married their boyfriends, became mothers, and that was your lot in life.

When I graduated High school in the early 1980's, I wanted to go to trade school, which I did, but It didnt get me far, because only 3 years into a great career, I married, became pregnant and quit work to have babies. Everyone did. Moms didnt go back to work and leave babies with grandma. It was just not done. I feel like my parents humored me by letting me get that degree, knowing full well I would have a family and would never really pursue a career in any field. I feel like it was a big inside joke, on me. My husband worked long hours, had a social life, had adult interaction at work, and I went brain-dead with babies all day. I was in baby/toddler prison.

I love my kids, but little did I know that one day I would find myself divorced, with no money of my own, and outdated skills in my old job field. And, yes as you said in another post, women are treated as second hand citizens in western Pa for sure. Steelers rule, and women fetch the beers from the fridge.

 

[gem_anemone]

I only got through the first page of responses, but I just wanted to mention that I think it is impossible to anticipate how you are going to "be" after you become a parent. I completely respect the choice of deciding not to procreate, however, I think it's a mistake to think you will remain selfish and resentful after becoming a parent. I don't naturally like kids and I used to find it hard to enjoy kid-related activities and became easily annoyed around children. I was of the mindset going into parenting that I would try to be as close to who I was before being a parent including doing things like getting sitters often to participate in adult-only activities that I previously enjoyed. However, once you have a child most everything you feel, believe, and think about having kids changes and I'm guessing so would your thoughts on kid-centered activities and conversations. While I strongly disliked kid-friendly activities before, I now enjoy doing them because the most important thing to me is that my kid is living the life he should live and that he is happy. It is amazing to watch your child be happy, learn, and grow. You only think you'd be resentful of always having to do kid-related things, but because you love your kid and because you want to be the best parent and because you want to see your kid enjoying life you genuinely become excited and happy to participate in kid-related activities and it becomes a hassle and a disappointment to be around your friends who don't understand that and don't want your child around. Of course when you don't have a child kid-related topics and activites can seem tedious and boring and you can't imagine enjoying them. You have no reason to enjoy them. You don't have a kid. It isn't until you actually have a kid that you can see yourself enjoying them. I realize there are people that enjoy those activites and they don't already have kids, however, I was not one of those poeple.

Of course there are days when I would enjoy having a date with the hubby only or going out with friends, but those are not as often as you would think they will be (and I think it is a mistake to deprive yourself of those things after having a child). But for the most part DH and I want and choose to do kid-related things with our kid because we love our kid. We brought him into this world, we enjoy him, and we want to be around him. I'm not saying I think you should have a kid, but being the person who doesn't really like kids other than my own nor do I really care for kid related activities, I assure you that you have no way of knowing that you will truly remain selfish once a child enters your life and I have a strong doubt that you would. My kid is only a baby, so I'm sure life gets harder as the child grows, but I strongly believe that my love for my child will only grow over time. Hope this helps put it into perspective!

 

[SB621]

I know this does not apply to most ppl but my only regret is having them so close together at 15 months. My husband is military and we had a 4 year window where we knew he would not deploy and be home for the most part. We wanted children, would have preferred to wait a little longer, but because the idea of him being around for the birth and then their first few years....well it seems logically to just have them then. I love them to pieces and I'm happy that my DH was there for both births as well as their first 2 years of life before he ever left for a longer-ish amount of time. Still there are times where I just feel that 2 toddlers have totally drained me compared to my friends who have 1 child or children more spread apart in age. Still I never regret my actual choice of having children just my timeline as I feel I had a limited choice there.

 

[Trekkie]

IMO, if you going to have kids have them early in life..

while my friends were out having fun partying in their late 20's I had to stay home and change diapers. I'm the youngest among my friends but my kids are the oldest b/c they decided to have kids later on in life. I wouldn't wanted to trade places with them now b/c they're still changing diapers in their late 40's and early 50's.

I agree with this statement in principle. But in reality life doesn't always work out the way you intend. These days many young couples are not yet settled enough in their careers and marriage to start a family and need to wait a bit longer to do so.

My mom had me when she was around 21 and it was lovely growing up with young parents. My dad was a bit older at age 30 but he was still relatively young. I finished graduate school and my mom was still in her 40's. Very different than most of my friends who have children now.

Pros and cons to both being a young parent vs older parent and I agree that raising children can be tough physically and the younger you are the better able one can handle that aspect. But then there's the financial aspect and the emotional maturity and readiness aspect that needs to be factored in as well.

There is no one neat formula that fits all couples and all one can do is choose what works best for them.

But having kids later , at 31, allowed me to get an education and have a career some women who have kids young still have that, but most don't (I am not making that it, it's a population statistic). Women's careers in particular are most adversely affected than men's are by having kids young. Also older parents tend to be in more stable marriages and weather the storms of children better -- in other words they have lower rates of divorce. Better marriage and better job seems to compensate for diapers in your 50s

This.

And for some of us, like me, that happened by accident. I'm 30, my husband is 40. If it were up to me, we'd be on baby #2 by now instead of still trying for #1. Unfortunately sometimes life hands one lemons and one has to make the most of what one has been given.

I'm often told, "oh, but you're only 30, you're still young", but what people don't realise is that my husband is 40. If we don't have kids within the next 3-5 years, we'll be paying school fees out of his pension...

 

[Dancing Fire]

IMO, there are many advantages of having kids early in life, i.e...instead of her asking me "what's for dinner tonight?" I ask her ..what are you serving for dinner tonight?..

 

[Laila619]

Heck no, I love having kids and being a mom! Having four of them so close in age is going to be a little rough, but I don't regret it at all. I am an only child so I always knew I wanted a big family.

The only think I regret is not having them all in my 20s, but that was out of my control.

If you want me to be really honest, I regret adopting my two cats--they are so much work and so messy, even though the little buggers are cute!

 

[jaysonsmom]

I haven't read through everyone's replies, but I can say that I don't have one ounce of regret. My kids are my everything and I have always wanted kids (my biological clock was ticking ever since I hit puberty), perhaps because I had a great childhood and so did my husband. I dated a couple guys who were clearly not as anxious to have kids due to their difficult childhood, so that clearly made me rethink our relationship, and eventually lead to our breakup. My husband and I were talking about kids and the white picket fence shortly after starting dating, and he is an extremely dedicated and wonderful father. We are both extremely dedicated to our kids needs, and because we waited until I was done with grad school, and had an established career (both of use were 29), we have the best of both worlds. We are not considered old parents, but are not super young either. We are financially able and capable of providing for our kids.

Funny thing is that my husband's little sister always told us that she was too selfish to have kids and she was not crazy about other people's kids either. She ended up succumbing to societal pressures, and pressure when her husband's biological clock started ticking around 36, so she had one at 37, and another and another at 39. All I can say is POOR KIDS! She clearly regrets having them, and will pawm them off to the first person that'll babysit. She screams and yells at her kids all the time, and resents the fact that she has a law degree, and is a stay at home mom to 2 toddlers right now. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, sometimes you can't learn to love your own kids, AND if you know yourself well enough, listen to your inner intuition!

 

[gem_anemone]

Funny thing is that my husband's little sister always told us that she was too selfish to have kids and she was not crazy about other people's kids either. She ended up succumbing to societal pressures, and pressure when her husband's biological clock started ticking around 36, so she had one at 37, and another and another at 39. All I can say is POOR KIDS! She clearly regrets having them, and will pawm them off to the first person that'll babysit. She screams and yells at her kids all the time, and resents the fact that she has a law degree, and is a stay at home mom to 2 toddlers right now. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, sometimes you can't learn to love your own kids, AND if you know yourself well enough, listen to your inner intuition!

This is awful! It's also an example exactly the opposite of what I said in my post. Why didn't she continue to work? I would go crazy too if I were a stay at home mom. She may not hate her kids so much if she got time away...

 

[TC1987]

Just in case people think I am off my rocker and overly negative about the twisted "family life" that I see in this region, Greenville, PA isn't far. This story made national news, but there are lots of smaller cases that don't.
http://www.cnn.com/2014/07/19/justice/pennsylvania-boy-nearly-starved/index.html

And reading the police reports here is an eye-opener. It's all "man arrested for punching woman in face," somebody (probably 90% men but there are maybe 10% women) arrested for inappropriate sexual relations with a minor, lots of domestic abuse stories, drugs, DUI, etc. Men using women and children as punching bags seems astonishingly common.

 

[TC1987]

I always thought I'd be a mother when I was younger, but by the time I met my husband, I was pushing 37 and my perspective had changed tremendously. We consciously decided not to have children. I'm nearly 49 now, and despite declarations from tons of people that I will eventually regret it, I have to say that we haven't regretted our choice.
...

^ And I think that it's important for the family-centric people to respect that choice, because it might be the most prudent one. Starting out with nothing when you are young is always full of hope and optimism, and sometimes just plain foolishness and ignorance of other options. Starting out as two wiser mature adults, especially in this shit era of job losses, downward pressure on wages, age discrimination, and sometimes occupations entirely lost to offshoring, one would have to be a fool to not think that embarking on a family life might not be prudent nowadays. I'd wager that people tried to avoid having children back in the Great Depression of the '30s, too.
That was the point I got to with my ex-husband, and my final decision that I'd never be a mother. He ran up at least $38,000 in credit card debt behind my back and another $15,000 in vehicle loans. I never found about it until we were looking into buying a larger house and getting out of our too-small starter home and the real estate agent said "You have too much debt." Um, really, because I don't think we have have any debt aside from the mortgage that we are paid ahead on. "No, your husband's debt." Hey, there's no way a sane person would start a family with a guy like that! Adios, Bubba.

 

[SMC]

I'm currently 12w pregnant, and I constantly think that I might regret having kids. It's not like this pregnancy was unplanned (my DH really wants children), but I look at what I'm going to be giving up for awhile (spontaneous trips, being able to buy whatever I want and not worry about dipping into college savings, nights out, solitude, sleep!), and I think I might regret doing this. I've never been a particularly maternal individual - never babysat, changed a diaper, and you should see how stiff I am when I have to hold a newborn.

At the same time, I would feel more regret if I never got to experience parenthood and if I deprived my DH of experiencing it. So for me, it's choosing a path of fewer regrets, and that's why I'm having kids.

 

[missy]

I'm currently 12w pregnant, and I constantly think that I might regret having kids. It's not like this pregnancy was unplanned (my DH really wants children), but I look at what I'm going to be giving up for awhile (spontaneous trips, being able to buy whatever I want and not worry about dipping into college savings, nights out, solitude, sleep!), and I think I might regret doing this. I've never been a particularly maternal individual - never babysat, changed a diaper, and you should see how stiff I am when I have to hold a newborn.

At the same time, I would feel more regret if I never got to experience parenthood and if I deprived my DH of experiencing it. So for me, it's choosing a path of fewer regrets, and that's why I'm having kids.

I think this is the best way to do it SMC. Regarding important life decisions like this one it's best to consider all possible options and then go with the one we feel we will least regret if there is no clear winner. I think this is the way it is with most things in life. There are more shades of grey than black and white when it comes to important choices in life. It's funny because this was one of the few important decisions where the choice was pretty clear for me (and fortunately my dh was on board). Usually I have more doubt with critical choices but this one was easy for me.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and all the best!!!

 

[Amber St. Clare]

My ONLY regret is not having more children, but I became quite ill when the kid hit kindergarten, so it seemed like divine interference. Our child was a joy to raise, and I have to admit that I'm thrilled he came back to live here for while when his former roomies got into drugs.

I still mourn the child I lost in my first marriage, but then I think it would have probably tied me to my x husband and that may have hampered the progress I have made in becoming a better person. So things worked out all right after all.

If you asked my sister--she would tell you she hated every day she spent with her son and that the best thing she ever did was leave.

 

[jaysonsmom]

Funny thing is that my husband's little sister always told us that she was too selfish to have kids and she was not crazy about other people's kids either. She ended up succumbing to societal pressures, and pressure when her husband's biological clock started ticking around 36, so she had one at 37, and another and another at 39. All I can say is POOR KIDS! She clearly regrets having them, and will pawm them off to the first person that'll babysit. She screams and yells at her kids all the time, and resents the fact that she has a law degree, and is a stay at home mom to 2 toddlers right now. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, sometimes you can't learn to love your own kids, AND if you know yourself well enough, listen to your inner intuition!

This is awful! It's also an example exactly the opposite of what I said in my post. Why didn't she continue to work? I would go crazy too if I were a stay at home mom. She may not hate her kids so much if she got time away...

After my SIL had baby #1, her husband decided he wanted to move back to Switzerland where he had family support, and his parents were getting elderly, so after being here in the US for the first 10 years of their relationship, my SIL decided, she would give Switzerland a try. Since she got her JD in the US and passed the California bar, she would have to jump through hoops to be able to practice law in Switzerland, and by that time, her hubby was in family bliss, and they started working on baby #2! He has a great income, and she does not "need" to work, but I think for the sake of her little boys, and her husband, she should find something to do once they are older. They are only 4 and 2 at the moment. when they come for their 3 week vacation to California each year, she expects all of us to drop everything and take care of all her kids' needs, because she said she needs a vacation from them. This is from the "stay at home mom" who only watches her kids full days on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Her kids go to preschool Mondays and Wednesdays, on Fridays her mother in law comes over to give her a "break" and on weekends, she leaves the boys to be watched by her hubby.

 

[aljdewey]

I only got through the first page of responses, but I just wanted to mention that I think it is impossible to anticipate how you are going to "be" after you become a parent. I completely respect the choice of deciding not to procreate, however, I think it's a mistake to think you will remain selfish and resentful after becoming a parent. .....

However, once you have a child most everything you feel, believe, and think about having kids changes and I'm guessing so would your thoughts on kid-centered activities and conversations. .......

I assure you that you have no way of knowing that you will truly remain selfish once a child enters your life and I have a strong doubt that you would. My kid is only a baby, so I'm sure life gets harder as the child grows, but I strongly believe that my love for my child will only grow over time. Hope this helps put it into perspective!

GA, I've heard this argument so many times, I can't even tell you......but I think the story of Jaysonsmom's sister drives home that not everyone develops the maternal feelings that you were fortunate enough to experience, and I think it's just as dangerous to assume that "oh, you'll like it once you're there" as it is to assume you will still be selfish as a parent. Either school of thought is just an untested assumption until it happens, but here's the trouble- if you get there are discover you still don't like it, you can't just ask for a do-over - it's irrevocable. And I think it's the kids who pay for that in the end.

No one can know for sure; you're right. All they can do is be self-reflective enough to seriously consider how they are likely to feel and let that guide their decisions. Honestly, if I had to pick regrets, it would be much easier for me to regret abstaining from parenthood than regretting having kids. EVERY kid should feel fully wanted and loved, and I personally couldn't enter into parenthood unless I was sure I could do so without regret.

 

[Xzuix]

Gem: Yes I have a few friends who weren't into kids before they decided to have one but once they brought them into their lives , they totally changed, just like the way you describe it.

I also know, although not in many instances, people that are like jaysonsmom's sister in law.. most of these women are career-focused until they had a baby and then they are no longer able to go back to their career/things are different etc. I also grew up basically with a babysitter who lives with our family 24/7, because my mother was always at work, my sitter was practically my mom lol. So yeah there are two sides to it.

Funny thing is that my husband's little sister always told us that she was too selfish to have kids and she was not crazy about other people's kids either. She ended up succumbing to societal pressures, and pressure when her husband's biological clock started ticking around 36, so she had one at 37, and another and another at 39. All I can say is POOR KIDS! She clearly regrets having them, and will pawm them off to the first person that'll babysit. She screams and yells at her kids all the time, and resents the fact that she has a law degree, and is a stay at home mom to 2 toddlers right now. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, sometimes you can't learn to love your own kids, AND if you know yourself well enough, listen to your inner intuition!

This is awful! It's also an example exactly the opposite of what I said in my post. Why didn't she continue to work? I would go crazy too if I were a stay at home mom. She may not hate her kids so much if she got time away...

 

[Xzuix]

I think I'm in the same boat cause I just know my hubby wanted one although we never have a sit-down discussion about it but a casual one. I do like the way you approached it. May I ask which age group are you in, 20s/30s?

I'm currently 12w pregnant, and I constantly think that I might regret having kids. It's not like this pregnancy was unplanned (my DH really wants children), but I look at what I'm going to be giving up for awhile (spontaneous trips, being able to buy whatever I want and not worry about dipping into college savings, nights out, solitude, sleep!), and I think I might regret doing this. I've never been a particularly maternal individual - never babysat, changed a diaper, and you should see how stiff I am when I have to hold a newborn.

At the same time, I would feel more regret if I never got to experience parenthood and if I deprived my DH of experiencing it. So for me, it's choosing a path of fewer regrets, and that's why I'm having kids.

 

[gem_anemone]

I only got through the first page of responses, but I just wanted to mention that I think it is impossible to anticipate how you are going to "be" after you become a parent. I completely respect the choice of deciding not to procreate, however, I think it's a mistake to think you will remain selfish and resentful after becoming a parent. .....

However, once you have a child most everything you feel, believe, and think about having kids changes and I'm guessing so would your thoughts on kid-centered activities and conversations. .......

I assure you that you have no way of knowing that you will truly remain selfish once a child enters your life and I have a strong doubt that you would. My kid is only a baby, so I'm sure life gets harder as the child grows, but I strongly believe that my love for my child will only grow over time. Hope this helps put it into perspective!

GA, I've heard this argument so many times, I can't even tell you......but I think the story of Jaysonsmom's sister drives home that not everyone develops the maternal feelings that you were fortunate enough to experience, and I think it's just as dangerous to assume that "oh, you'll like it once you're there" as it is to assume you will still be selfish as a parent. Either school of thought is just an untested assumption until it happens, but here's the trouble- if you get there are discover you still don't like it, you can't just ask for a do-over - it's irrevocable. And I think it's the kids who pay for that in the end.

No one can know for sure; you're right. All they can do is be self-reflective enough to seriously consider how they are likely to feel and let that guide their decisions. Honestly, if I had to pick regrets, it would be much easier for me to regret abstaining from parenthood than regretting having kids. EVERY kid should feel fully wanted and loved, and I personally couldn't enter into parenthood unless I was sure I could do so without regret.

It just goes to show that people are all individuals and they should listen to their own gut feelings and should not rely on others to tell them how they will feel or how they should live their lives. While I was never "in" to kid things I always had a gut feeling that if/when I became a mother that I would do my best for my kids and not be a monster who resented them. Haha. If the gut feeling is that you will be resentful towards your kids then I agree it's probably best NOT to have children!