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Do I really have to invite her (part 2)

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Honestly, everyone has made totally valid points. I don''t know why my guy went. Probably because it was his friend. And I honestly didn''t care at the time. I didn''t even think I SHOULD be invited until after when I found out that all the other SO were invited. I feel like I can''t say anything because it''s like I am throwing a hissy fit after the fact. And my guy KNOWS I don''t go to clubs, so I felt like it would be "oh I don''t go so you can''t either". I didn''t think it was disrespectful or anything at the time. I just thought, ''''oh guys night out whatever"

But after he told me about the whole grinding thing....I don''t know, I think I was really annoyed and then started analyzing the whole situation. Kind of like...well now I''m kind of hurt so let me really ANALYZE this. And I don''t get why my fiancé is asking me to invite her, but doesn''t care if I am invited. Maybe he figures that since I wouldn''t go anyways it''s not an insult. Or maybe he values his friends feeling over mine.

I kind of feel betrayed, like somehow he thinks M deserves more respect then me. And her...well she''s just her...so it''s not more then I expected. But at some point, I am starting to think he likes the attention or something because EVERYTIME they go out, he''s got SOMETHING to tell me. And what in the world is the deal with E not caring????? Blah. I don''t know. Maybe he likes her, what do I really know? Maybe my guy is exaggerating to make me jealous? I don''t know. What I do know is that she''s done touchy feely things in front of me (without acknowledging I exist) so at the same time I see it being possible.

I think I am just going to take a step back for a few days. I feel like I can''t deal with this right now. And I don''t want to talk to him because I don''t even know what to say about it.

Thanks gals, I appreciate the sounding board. Although I have to admit, I think I am madder about it now then I was before
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Your guy can be friends with E and not have it include his gf. The current situation, IMO, is unacceptable. I think you and your fiance need to discuss the nature of this friendship. There is no reason for him to attend couples events when you are purposely excluded. There are plenty of things the guys can do that have nothing to do with the gf. I do not think she should be invited to your wedding. She has shown you no courtesy or respect and is owed nothing in return. I truly hope that you can resolve this situation with your fiance.
 
ally, I really dont see how *not* saying anything is going to help you in any way. This is the time to hash this crap out. NOW. Not after you get married! It makes no difference if the incident already happened...The fact is that your FI totally disrespects you by allowing his friend and his friend''s wench of a gf to disrespect you. And make no mistake, E is also disrespecting you by allowing his awful witch to manipulate you, let alone hit on your FI. I''m not sure why you dont have enough self respect to confront your FI right now about this, but I can tell you with utter certainty, I would never marry a man who allowed his "friends" to treat me the way yours treats you. Sorry honey, but no woman deserves that.
 
Date: 6/10/2008 11:04:46 AM
Author: surfgirl
ally, I really dont see how *not* saying anything is going to help you in any way. This is the time to hash this crap out. NOW. Not after you get married! It makes no difference if the incident already happened...The fact is that your FI totally disrespects you by allowing his friend and his friend''s wench of a gf to disrespect you. And make no mistake, E is also disrespecting you by allowing his awful witch to manipulate you, let alone hit on your FI. I''m not sure why you dont have enough self respect to confront your FI right now about this, but I can tell you with utter certainty, I would never marry a man who allowed his ''friends'' to treat me the way yours treats you. Sorry honey, but no woman deserves that.
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I completely agree, Surfgirl. I think that there are a lot of jerks out there, and people will do awful things and saw awful things, but in the end, it is how your FI reacts/deals with those things that shows you what he is made of. When these types of situations come up, I think of the ongoing battles of the inlaws and new brides. To me, when the FIL''s say awful, mean things, or are disrespectful, what is most important is how your FI deals with it.

There comes a time in a man/woman''s life when he/she has to make a decision. That decision is to choose your wife/husband/partner over others. It is time for your FI to do that. Just saying that you are number one isn''t enough. He needs to show you that he will not tolerate others treating you this way. And when his friends disrespect you, they are disrespecting him and his choices.

Ally, I think that sitting back and not dealing with it is not smart right now. This is the beginning of a very long life and partnership with your FI, and crap like this needs to be stopped dead in its tracks. You cannot spend the rest of your life wondering if your FI/DH cares more about his friends'' feelings than yours.

Sorry if that is harsh, I just know you and your FI have been through a lot and I want you two to be happy together.
 
Yeah, definitely talk to him about it ally! Nothing ever good comes out of repressing things. My best friend calls it going into your zone of growth. It feels uncomfortable at first to speak up for yourself (I know as women a lot of us were raised to bury conflict) but the more you do it, the more familiar and confident you will feel about it.

Repressing feelings doesn''t make them go away. It comes back in uglier forms. So nip that baby in the bud! Have a heart to heart. You owe him that as a partner. Think of it as doing him a favor. You''re also doing yourself a favor! Imagine if he were really upset with you and were holding it inside like a little grenade about to go off? Not fun!

Defuse that sucker and get closer because of it. That''s the whole point of a partnership. No one ever said the other wouldn''t do dumb things or make you mad. The greatest part of this is, you will help each other be more understanding and compassionate people. So help him (and yourself), already! HUGS!
 
Date: 6/9/2008 11:22:04 PM
Author: allycat0303
Honestly, everyone has made totally valid points. I don't know why my guy went. Probably because it was his friend. And I honestly didn't care at the time. I didn't even think I SHOULD be invited until after when I found out that all the other SO were invited. I feel like I can't say anything because it's like I am throwing a hissy fit after the fact. And my guy KNOWS I don't go to clubs, so I felt like it would be 'oh I don't go so you can't either'. I didn't think it was disrespectful or anything at the time. I just thought, 'oh guys night out whatever'
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I can appreciate your feelings of not wanting to say he "can't" go just because you don't want to go. But in my opinion, once you and yours have made the step to go from boyfriend/girlfriend to partners for life, these types of things have to stop. You are a packaged deal. Going clubbing in my book without your partner is not something that I would do. I understand you don't like clubbing, but if he enjoys it then its time to compromise and maybe meet him half way. If you start off the marriage where he is doing these types of things separately without even thinking twice about whether his bride should be there with him, then getting him to *not* do that anymore after marriage will be very hard.

I live in Miami...party city. I stopped going to clubs a while ago and so did my boyfriend. Every once in a while he will get invited to go with the guys but even then he won't. He knows that clubs means drinking and dancing...I'm his dance partner for life, if I'm not there then there's no point in him being there. You guys need to adopt the same attitude. Being a former party girl I will say that there are certain places that you can go alone...especially if its a guys/girls night out. But clubbing is *not* one of them in my opinion. I don't know if this is a form of betrayal or not but he def. dropped the ball in going without you. I'm not going to assume he did it with bad intention, he probably assumed just as you said that this is for a friend so he should be there. I think that he needs to learn and understand that in the future, if the other SOs are there, then his should be too AND more importantly, he needs to understand when people are being sincere or not. This "M" person is not acting appropriately at all with a soon to be married man and HE needs to realize that.

You know better than anyone on here the man that you are going to marry. You said yes for a reason. I would take this as a learning experience for the both of you and make some changes. There's no need to give the ring back and go running but sitting back and not saying anything isn't a good idea either.
 
Ally honey. I ditto everything everyone has said on this page and have to add:

I don''t know you Ally. I only know you on here. But I''ve read your posts and consider you someone I care for so please understand that what I''m about to say comes from a place of caring.

You are not a healthy person when it comes to relationships. You parents, your sister, and now your FI. Honey, I don''t know what it was about the way you were raised or your psyche that makes it okay for you think that dealing with things like this is to stick your head in the sand, say that its too stressful and that you can''t deal, then repress it all-- doing nothing about it.

You need to change honey. Its hard. And I know you hate confrontation and seem to have no idea how to handle it. That you fear peoples impressions of you if you stand up for yourself. But this pattern of yours is hurting you, and is going to continue to hurt you.

So I have a question for you. Imagine your daughter. 25 years down the road. How would you want her to deal with this? What would you advise someone you love that much in the same situation? Because you don''t love yourself. And I''m hoping by thinking about what your advice would be to someone you would love, you might do the right thing for you.
 
Ally...how do you know that the she-devil specificially did not invite you? Was the invitation an email, evite, phone call, formal invitation? Often my DHs group of friends these things are just word of mouth, and its assumed that SOs are included, so just because a person doesnt hear the scoop directly from the organizer doesn''t mean that they aren''t invited.
 
Hi Appletini: Well there was a formal invitation to the house and a facebook page (incidently E is on my friend list). So I''m pretty sure it wasn`t an accident.

I talked to my fiancé about it this afternoon, mostly because I feel like I had too (you gals are really forceful but I love you).

Basically it broke down to (these are my guy''s words)

1) It''s not as bad to NOT invite someone to a birthday then to a wedding (so I would be a bigger jerk if I didn''t invite her.

2) It''s kind of lousy of me to get mad after the fact because I should have said something before hand.

3) And yes (he does agree that it''s kind of insulting that they didn''t invite me) but he said it won''t happen again.

4) The she-devil is flirty with ALL the guys (although more with him admittedly) but I have nothing to worry about. So I shouldn`t.

Gypsy: I don''t take it personally. I will admit that I''m not good with this. I''m a little tired though, school is overwhelming, my Dad is in the hospital again, so I feel like I don`t have the energy to sort it out. Well I did talk to him at least, although I''m a little more pissed then before.

fieryred33143: I used to get really worried when he went out, but I am JUST not a club girl. Maybe I have invited this on myself by not making a bigger effort to go out. I agree clubbing is probably not a solitary thing.
 
Yeah. His answers would have lit me up like a bonfire. Not okay. I am proud of you for talking to him though. Very proud. And I know you are tired, and I DO understand, but there are certain things that have to be addressed in the moment and shouldn't be allowed to slide. ((BIG HUGS))


And um... I'm gonna have to kick your tush if I hear you blaming yourself for not being a partier and not going clubbing, so that this becomes your fault somehow.

Your man KNOWS this woman is a flirt. KNOWS he is out alone without you there. KNOWS you are not invited when others SOs are. And chooses to put himself in a situation that a) give the impression that he is okay with you being excluded from an invitation b) is flirted with and molested by this woman AND THEN TELLS YOU ABOUT IT, and on top of it tells you its not fair for you to be UPSET invalidating your feelings?

You could be agoraphobic and this wouldn't be your fault.
 
I''m sure your FI means what he says but he just isn''t seeing the big picture here. I don''t care if that witch grinds on the doorman, the taxi driver AND the clerk at 7-11. The fact is your FI knows she is a slut and it''s up to him to look her directly in the eye and tell her firmly (and loudly, though I imagine she''s immune from shame) "Do NOT do that. It is degrading to you and disrespectful to both myself, and the relationship you KNOW I am in. Knock it off, NOW"
 
Date: 6/10/2008 8:18:01 PM
Author: purrfectpear
I''m sure your FI means what he says but he just isn''t seeing the big picture here. I don''t care if that witch grinds on the doorman, the taxi driver AND the clerk at 7-11. The fact is your FI knows she is a slut and it''s up to him to look her directly in the eye and tell her firmly (and loudly, though I imagine she''s immune from shame) ''Do NOT do that. It is degrading to you and disrespectful to both myself, and the relationship you KNOW I am in. Knock it off, NOW''
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DITTO! And I still don''t think you need to invite her to your wedding. There is no way in hell I would ever invite someone who behaved this way towards my fiance and to me to my wedding. No way. It''s ridiculous that you''re even CONSIDERING inviting her. Seriously-don''t do it. Don''t invite her. The end.
 
Date: 6/10/2008 8:35:35 PM
Author: thing2of2
Date: 6/10/2008 8:18:01 PM

Author: purrfectpear

I''m sure your FI means what he says but he just isn''t seeing the big picture here. I don''t care if that witch grinds on the doorman, the taxi driver AND the clerk at 7-11. The fact is your FI knows she is a slut and it''s up to him to look her directly in the eye and tell her firmly (and loudly, though I imagine she''s immune from shame) ''Do NOT do that. It is degrading to you and disrespectful to both myself, and the relationship you KNOW I am in. Knock it off, NOW''
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DITTO! And I still don''t think you need to invite her to your wedding. There is no way in hell I would ever invite someone who behaved this way towards my fiance and to me to my wedding. No way. It''s ridiculous that you''re even CONSIDERING inviting her. Seriously-don''t do it. Don''t invite her. The end.
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Word, WORD and more Word!
 
Date: 6/10/2008 7:34:19 PM
Author: allycat0303
Hi Appletini: Well there was a formal invitation to the house and a facebook page (incidently E is on my friend list). So I''m pretty sure it wasn`t an accident.

I talked to my fiancé about it this afternoon, mostly because I feel like I had too (you gals are really forceful but I love you).

Basically it broke down to (these are my guy''s words)

1) It''s not as bad to NOT invite someone to a birthday then to a wedding (so I would be a bigger jerk if I didn''t invite her.

2) It''s kind of lousy of me to get mad after the fact because I should have said something before hand.

3) And yes (he does agree that it''s kind of insulting that they didn''t invite me) but he said it won''t happen again.


4) The she-devil is flirty with ALL the guys (although more with him admittedly) but I have nothing to worry about. So I shouldn`t.


Gypsy: I don''t take it personally. I will admit that I''m not good with this. I''m a little tired though, school is overwhelming, my Dad is in the hospital again, so I feel like I don`t have the energy to sort it out. Well I did talk to him at least, although I''m a little more pissed then before.


fieryred33143: I used to get really worried when he went out, but I am JUST not a club girl. Maybe I have invited this on myself by not making a bigger effort to go out. I agree clubbing is probably not a solitary thing.
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I agree with what many others have said here but just wanted to address your FI''s ridiculous assertions in case you are overwhelmed:

1) Absolute crap. He needs to ask his friend why you weren''t invited and listen to the explanation. If other SOs were invited and you weren''t, and it wasn''t an oversight, then that is a serious social affront to you and he needs to stand up for you in this.

2) Its completely OK for you to be more upset now than before - before, you thought it was a guys night out and now you know that other SOs were invited.

3) Why woln''t it happen again? Is it because your FI has confronted his friend about the issue and received assurances (and perhaps you have received an apology?) Otherwise, how can he know that it woln''t continue to happen?

4) HE should make it clear to the woman that a certain level of flirting is not OK with him, and that he will make a scene or stop their interaction if it continues. In many ways, this is the least concerning issue to me as you seem most OK and trustful of how your FI handled this particular issue, and some people are just flirty (and inappropriately flirty) with everyone. Unless you actually feel that this woman is particularly flirty with your FI and you feel that your FI could do a better job of suppressing the flirtation but doesn''t.

The basic point here is that your FI is willing to overlook his friend''s social insults to you and not confront or address them and he minimizes your reaction to the insult. Not acceptable. Try again. The goal is not to get him to agree not to invite the girl, the goal is to get him to understand why you are upset, agree that it is legitimate, and actually address the issue with his friend and not just behave in a complicit/appeasing fashion. It is an insult to him, and to you, for his friend to exclude you from social outings with other couples...

And you not wanting to go to the clubbing portion of the evening, after he had already been to festivities without you, is not relevant here.
 
So if I''m reading this right, the girlfriend of your FI''s best friend threw a birthday party for said best friend. And while at her BF''s birthday party (which she is hosting) she''s flirting and grinding against your FI?

I wonder what your FI''s best friend was thinking while this is going on?

Maybe you''ll get lucky and they''re break up before the wedding.
 
I''m sorry Ally...you certainly don''t deserve this. Rusty has a friend (she is now a somewhat ex-friend, thank God!) that has pulled some unacceptable things with me when he is not around. I basically told him you either stand WITH me or AGAINST me, and he has chosen to stand with me and not include this woman in his life.

He has seen her once recently while out with friends and apparently she said something about not coming to our reception out of respect for me...I was like, she does know she is not invited to the wedding and she was NEVER going to be invited to the reception, right??? She is just a clueless one who thinks the world revolves around her, which is sad...she usually DOES get her way, but I hope she realizes that in this case she will not win.

Hang in there, and please continue standing up for yourself...you DO NOT deserve to be treated like that!

{{HUGS!}}
 
I swear this is like Pandora''s box. This morning when my guy was driving me to work, I brought it up again, and now the can of worms is spilling over.

Basically my guy is REALLY reluctant to talk about this. There is a marked and noticeable effort to change the subject. And I am just simmering over.

Here''s how I see it:

a) I angry he just didn''t seem to even ''''notice'''' I wasn`t invited. That implicates he doesn''t see us as a team. He has no precieved insult about this.

b) I don`t think that any amount of me talking to him, is going to make him ''''notice an insult'''' He either cares or he doesn''t.

c) He''s always been the kind of person that avoids confrontation with his friends. i.e, in the past (maybe about 4-5 years ago, one of his closest friends made a really nasty verbal slur about me to my fiancé (the context was that I was discussing something with his girlfriend and we started talking about stuff, and it came out said guy lied about something and he got dumped.) So he blamed it on me. In any case, my fiancé really didn`t care. This was an obvious verbal insult.Anyway, long story short but he continued being friends with this guy for (3 months maybe?) Never addressing this issue to the friend. Was even going to be this guy''s best man. So after a really rough 3 months, I made it clear he could be friends with this guy or be with me. My guy chose me, but it was only after a lot of thought. As a matter of fact, this morning he was even a little hazy on the fact that said friend called me names (again kind of demonstrates that he really wasn`t all that disturbed by it).

So here''s the thing, even having to force the issue, says a lot about the way the relationship is set up. I would never tolerate anyone calling him names. At that point, he didn`t stand up for me. I would never let anyone insult him.

My perception is he keeps avoiding the topic because he doesn`t want me to really force the issue. He says it won''t happen again because he''s placating me and hoping that I a) forget about it b) calm down and accept the way things are. He''s trying to avoid the worst case scenario that I force the issue and he will end up losing a friend.

In no way shape or form do I have any illusions that I think it won''t happen again or that he meant anything either then ''''there there honey.''''

I am far from being an fool when it comes to this. I know exactly what ''''it won''t happen again, let''s talk about baseball....'''' means. But even if I make a scene and he does something, his pattern demonstrates that he will avoid confrontations like this regardless of whatever/done to me. Even if I win this battle, I''m just going to have a lifetime of future battles like this. And there is very little sincerity if I twist his arm to stand up for me.

Harleigh: Your post resonated with me. That is basically how I feel about my relationships (family too, although sometimes it is unfortunate) regardless of the internal conflicts, it has always been like that for me too. '''' You either stand with me, or you don''t'''' Unfortunately, I think in my relationship, the answer to that question is probably ''''With you and very reluctantly, and only if it doesn`t inconvience me (at least friends wise)''''.
 
Ally, I am glad you two are finally hashing this out. My hubby would defend me every time, just like I know that you would your man. This situation is not acceptable and it is definitely time that you stand up for yourself.

Either he does not get it, or he refuses to get it. I do hope you''re wrong that he will just continue to try to placate you. Sometimes guys can be so dense. But at the same time, he certainly seems to be perfectly happy ignoring the issue. Most people don''t like to argue with their friends, but that is simply not a good reason to not address this issue with his friends. Bah. Here''s to hoping that this gets resolved soon... don''t let him push it aside!!

hugs!!
 
Oh man...I''m sorry ally. I''m glad you''re dealing with this head on, though. This is something that needs to be taken care of immediately.

It sounds to me like you are last on your fiance''s priority list in some ways, and that is simply unacceptable. I just can''t fathom him not caring when people insult you. Unacceptable. It''s time for a serious talk with him about your relationship and the priorities he needs to have. Perhaps you all would benefit from some couples counseling before the wedding?
 

In everything you have written, I have not once heard of a time where he has chosen you. Don’t be fooled…he did not choose you over his friend. He chose not arguing with you over hanging out with a friend. There’s a big difference.


When my FF and I discuss issues I’m very clear with him…it’s not about what you did or what you said, its about how it made me feel. I don’t care if her grinding on him was innocent flirting in his mind. I don’t care if he thinks his friend didn’t verbally attack you. That’s not the point. The point is that her grinding on him made you feel disrespected. His friend’s comment made you feel disrespected. And more importantly, his nonchalant attitude towards things that are very important to you is making you feel worthless.


It sounds to me like your fiance has A LOT of growing up to do. He wants to be the 21 year old single guy in the club with his boys. He’s not ready for married life, that’s for sure.
 
Oh Ally, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough time with your fiance, but you have EVERY right to stand up for yourself and to expect that he will too. You have made a committment to one another, and that means you are a team, period. I am so glad that you are sorting this out now, as tough as it may be, because I am certain you will grow from this - and hopefully he will too. If he doesn''t, then you will know that he''s truly not the one for you. You deserve someone who makes you his absolute priority, and you shouldn''t even have to ask.

I''ll share a little story with you. When I started dating D, he had just broken up with his college girlfriend whom he''d been with for 5 years. As such, all his mates from uni were all friends with his ex - many of them were friends with his ex before they were friends with D. Once they broke up, his friends were torn between their loyalties. D didn''t push it - he accepted that his decision meant that his old friends might cut ties with him. So he laid low for a few months. Gradually, they started coming around, to the point that I became friends with his friends. But there was a really awkward situation right after we got engaged, when we were invited out for a meal with his friends because one of them had just flown to town from NYC. We turned up and his ex was there (this was a year after the breakup). Now, obviously they knew that she and we would be there, so it was hardly a surprise situation because we were all invited. But his friends didn''t acknowledge me and didn''t make room at the table, offer to pull a chair for me, anything. Obviously it was very awkward for them having his ex there, but they handled it really poorly and my heart sank. I didn''t know what to do. But I didn''t need to do anything.

D simply said, "Guys, my fiance and I are going to head out. Give a call sometime."

And that was it. He wouldn''t stand for me to be ignored. He instinctually knew that it would be an uncomfortable situation for me. And the next day, I''m not kidding you, all of his friends apologized. D is a man of honor, whom his friends respect. You deserve that, too.
 
ally, I''m sure this is a really difficult time for you, but I too am glad you''re facing this head on. Can you get you and your FI into couples counseling STAT? That''s the only thing I can think of right now. But if it was me, I would be making it clear that if this isn''t resolved, the wedding will be postponed...because that''s how serious this is. This guy never chooses YOU. And honey, you do NOT deserve that, let alone a lifetime of it.
 
If you marry this guy and have kids, your kids will be put in the same position as you are. Family and "friends" will be allowed to get away with whatever behavior they have towards you AND the kids and it won''t be "noticed".
 
Ally,

I just wanted to say that I am really sorry that you are going through this right now. You are really strong for asking for advice and receiving everyone''s comments so well here and then trying to figure things out. I know it would be really hard for me to read a lot of the advice you are being given, even though it is so clearly well intentioned.

I really think you should push for some sort of counseling. Or, if not that, you really need to have some serious communication with each other to make sure you are on the same page about your expectations and what you need to be happy in this relationship. Maybe you can go away for a quiet weekend somewhere where there is nothing else to do but talk? A lot of men resist counseling, so maybe that is the place to start.

I truly hope everything works out the very best for you.
 
Men that "resist" counseling are not particularly good candidates for a successful marriage either
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It''s not ok that he doesn''t stand up for you, it''s not ok that he doesn''t view you both as a team, it''s not ok that he avoids conflict with friends when it''s detrimental to your relationship, it''s not ok that you are not first in his mind/heart/life.

A marriage without loyalty and trust is no marriage at all.
 
Put your foot down. Tell your FI in no uncertain terms that you refuse to extend the invitation, and she will be turned away at the door if she shows. Period.

And, your FI should not have told you, in detail, of her flirting. What''s his motive?

This is not about his buddy. This is about his respect for you. Where is it?
 
I agree with what everyone is saying so: Ditto All.

Alley, I am very happy to hear you are continueing to stand up for yourself. And I think it''s very strong of you to do so. It sounds like it is going to be an uphill battle that is going to require a LOT of effort and time and continued strength from you. This is a long term issue, and I just want you to know that we are here for you, rooting for you and that we care about you and only want you to get the respect and consideration you deserve.

Like Surfgirl said, you may have to draw a line in the sand and say, "This far and no further until something changes." That''s going to be scary and hard if it happens. But again, please know we really only want what is best for you.
 
Date: 6/11/2008 9:59:32 AM
Author: Krissie
Oh Ally, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough time with your fiance, but you have EVERY right to stand up for yourself and to expect that he will too. You have made a committment to one another, and that means you are a team, period. I am so glad that you are sorting this out now, as tough as it may be, because I am certain you will grow from this - and hopefully he will too. If he doesn''t, then you will know that he''s truly not the one for you. You deserve someone who makes you his absolute priority, and you shouldn''t even have to ask.

I''ll share a little story with you. When I started dating D, he had just broken up with his college girlfriend whom he''d been with for 5 years. As such, all his mates from uni were all friends with his ex - many of them were friends with his ex before they were friends with D. Once they broke up, his friends were torn between their loyalties. D didn''t push it - he accepted that his decision meant that his old friends might cut ties with him. So he laid low for a few months. Gradually, they started coming around, to the point that I became friends with his friends. But there was a really awkward situation right after we got engaged, when we were invited out for a meal with his friends because one of them had just flown to town from NYC. We turned up and his ex was there (this was a year after the breakup). Now, obviously they knew that she and we would be there, so it was hardly a surprise situation because we were all invited. But his friends didn''t acknowledge me and didn''t make room at the table, offer to pull a chair for me, anything. Obviously it was very awkward for them having his ex there, but they handled it really poorly and my heart sank. I didn''t know what to do. But I didn''t need to do anything.

D simply said, ''Guys, my fiance and I are going to head out. Give a call sometime.''

And that was it. He wouldn''t stand for me to be ignored. He instinctually knew that it would be an uncomfortable situation for me. And the next day, I''m not kidding you, all of his friends apologized. D is a man of honor, whom his friends respect. You deserve that, too.
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THANK YOU!!

Exactly, exactly, exactly.



Ally, I can tell you''re a rather laid back kind of girl and boy did your FI get lucky with you because of that (and many other things I''m sure). BUT Krissie''s story is the perfect example of what SHOULD happen.
 
Date: 6/10/2008 7:34:19 PM
Author: allycat0303

Basically it broke down to (these are my guy''s words)


1) It''s not as bad to NOT invite someone to a birthday then to a wedding (so I would be a bigger jerk if I didn''t invite her.


2) It''s kind of lousy of me to get mad after the fact because I should have said something before hand.


3) And yes (he does agree that it''s kind of insulting that they didn''t invite me) but he said it won''t happen again.


4) The she-devil is flirty with ALL the guys (although more with him admittedly) but I have nothing to worry about. So I shouldn`t.
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1. It''s not as annoying to have someone you don''t want at your birthday trapezing around at your birthday as it is to have someone you don''t want at your wedding trapezing around at your wedding.

2. You didn''t know that other SOs were invited until AFTER the fact. You didn''t say anything before hand b/c you thought it was just the guys. You didn''t think anything of it until you realized that you were the only SO not invited; therefore, it is perfectly valid for you to not say anything until afterwards. You didn''t know there was an issue until afterwards.

3. He HOPES it won''t happen again.

4. Just because you have nothing to worry about doesn''t mean you want someone flirting with your Fiance. It''s not like she''s some random girl who doesn''t know he''s off the market. She knows what she''s doing. She is an adult. She should know where to draw the line between flirty-friendliness towards someone and blatantly hitting on someone.
 
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