Do I really have to invite her (part 2)

[allycat0303]

Blah. Ok. We''ve discussed this before, but there were new developements this weekend. So as many of you know, my fiancé''s best friend E has a girlfriend which I detest. I don`t want to invite her to the wedding, but as of last post, I had decided to suck it up and invite her.

BUUUT this weekend...it''s E''s birthday and M plans this huge birthday thing for him. Consisted of barbecue at their house, followed by dinner at a resturant, and night out clubbing. So all of the guys and their significant others were invited....EXCEPT ME. Now I really didn''t care. I actually thought nothing of it. My guy went on saturday, and when he came back, I started thinking, so I asked him if she had flirted with him.

So he tells me, yes, she wrapped her arms around him (from behind) a reverse hug and was grinding with him on the dance floor for a split second. He told me he moved away. I believe him. He sent 3-4 text messages from the club asking me to come join him, but I am not a club girl, so I didn`t go. I didn''t say anything, just laughed, and changed the subject.

But now I am thinking about it, and I feel really bad. First of all, because she was hitting on him, and I am starting to wonder if he lets her, because I wouldn`t be hugging some guy who was totally unreciprocal. But I don`t want to talk to my guy about it, because I HATE the thought of looking jealous/insecure.

And WHY do I have to invite her to our wedding when I''m never invited to these birthday things? I mean my guy didn`t get angry that I was left off the guest list. I mean granted I didn''t care until it was over, but still. He didn''t think it was anything of it, so why do I have to bend over backward making sure his friend is happy?

Ok, I really do feel worst about this then I thought. Writing it down has brought a sick feeling to my stomach.

 

[IrishBreakfast]

Hey allycat. Firstly I am really sorry you are going through this - she sounds like a real pain in the patootie. Secondly, I think you would be surprised what women will do to get their hands on a man they find attractive. I don''t think there needs to be any signals from him. Women can be sly like that. Plus he told you what happened - if something weren''t right, he could have just lied and said she didn''t flirt with him at all. He texted you several times to join him. I think your man loves you! I also think this woman is trouble with a capital T.

I am sorry you are going to have to put up with her at your wedding and you may have to for the sake of your DF''s relationship with his best friend. I can speak from experience and say that it will cost him dearly if you end up not inviting her. We once put our foot down and insisted that one of DH''s friends not bring his GF to our house for Christmas as we couldn''t stand the sight of her. He has not spoken to us since. In hindsight, I would rather have put up with her for a few hours and still have his friendship than the stony cold utter silence we get from him today.

 

[iheartscience]

I wouldn''t invite her. Why should you? She specifically doesn''t invite you to her events. I just think life is too short to be around people you don''t like, and a wedding is too important to have someone there who makes your skin crawl. Just blame it on the guest limitations and don''t invite her. Honestly, I doubt she would be surprised at not being invited considering how she treats you.

P.S. I would talk to your fiance about the grinding/hugging situation again, too, if it''s still bothering you.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Ditto thing2of2. It seems that E and your FI don''t seem to have any issue with you not being invited to E''s events, as such I don''t see why E should have a problem with M not being invited to your events. At this rate I doube it would be suck a shock to E. Besides how mortifying (sp) would it be to have some girl hitting on your FI at your wedding?

 

[KimberlyH]

I''m all about being the bigger person, but in this situation I say: no you don''t have to invite her.

 

[Maisie]

I wouldn''t invite her. It seems that she deliberately left you off the guest list just so she could try it on with your man. I wouldn''t want someone like that at my wedding.

 

[modernsparkler]

She should not be on the guest list... now with that in mind she sounds like the type of person who may show up anyway. However, your wedding day is your day and she has not treated you with any courtesy or kindness and in fact has done the opposite. You would be absolutely justified in leaving her out of your big day.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 6/9/2008 8:56:36 AM
Author: thing2of2
I wouldn''t invite her. Why should you? She specifically doesn''t invite you to her events. I just think life is too short to be around people you don''t like, and a wedding is too important to have someone there who makes your skin crawl. Just blame it on the guest limitations and don''t invite her. Honestly, I doubt she would be surprised at not being invited considering how she treats you.

P.S. I would talk to your fiance about the grinding/hugging situation again, too, if it''s still bothering you.

Ditto. I wouldn''t invite her!!!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 6/9/2008 9:39:53 AM
Author: Maisie
I wouldn''t invite her. It seems that she deliberately left you off the guest list just so she could try it on with your man. I wouldn''t want someone like that at my wedding.

Agreed.

Who DOES that kind of thing? Ugh.

 

[October2008bride]

Date: 6/9/2008 8:56:36 AM
Author: thing2of2
I wouldn''t invite her. Why should you? She specifically doesn''t invite you to her events. I just think life is too short to be around people you don''t like, and a wedding is too important to have someone there who makes your skin crawl. Just blame it on the guest limitations and don''t invite her. Honestly, I doubt she would be surprised at not being invited considering how she treats you.

P.S. I would talk to your fiance about the grinding/hugging situation again, too, if it''s still bothering you.

I agree. I definitely wouldn''t invite her. At first, I was thinking that would be tough on your FI and his best friend, but seriously...his best friend had no issue with YOU not being invited. I think your FI should have issue with THAT.

Anyways - I''m sorry you are having to go through this. I just think that there is no way you should have to look out into a room of your friends and family who love and support you on one of the most important days in your life...and see her.

Good luck Ally!

 

[Ms.Dreamy]

I am so sorry for you that your loved one''s friend has such a horrible GF. Definitely DON''T INVITE HER!!! I mean it is YOUR big day and there should not be one guest you really dislike! speak about it with your FI and I am sure he''ll understand it. If he doesn''t understand I would insist anyway - because this terrible woman would ruin your wedding!

If it is your FI''s BEST friend there should be a way how he could communicate this nicely to his best friend. If he doesn''t understand he is not his best friend! And anyway, what is he thinking about the fact that his GF is flirting with your FI?!

 

[bee*]

Date: 6/9/2008 9:44:51 AM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 6/9/2008 9:39:53 AM

Author: Maisie

I wouldn''t invite her. It seems that she deliberately left you off the guest list just so she could try it on with your man. I wouldn''t want someone like that at my wedding.

Agreed.


Who DOES that kind of thing? Ugh.

ditto! Normally I would say just invite her, but there''s no way I would invite that wagon after she does that!

 

[swingirl]

Absolutely do not invite her. You don''t like her, she flirts with your guy, she''s shown she doesn''t like you and it''s YOUR wedding.

More importantly, though, I find it disturbing that your guy even went to the birthday party considering you weren''t invited. That is no way for an engaged man to behave. He made the statement to everyone that your feelings weren''t very important. The fact that you didn''t want to go anyway is irrelevant. You were excluded and he was okay with it. It has nothing to do with jealously, either.

 

[surfgirl]

ally, you know I''m very fond of you...but I''ve gotta say (and I''m not sure why it''s not been said yet here), why the hell is your FI allowing this to go on in the first place? You act like it''s all this witchy girl but really, as soon as your FI realized that EVERYbody else had been invited with their SO''s except your guy? He should have confronted witchy girl and demanded to know why she did that. And then he should have gone over to E and explained that as long as M continues to disrespect you, he cannot continue this friendship. Period. End of story. It''s not over the top. It''s common decency. I mean, why wouldn''t your FI tell E that his girl is grinding on him on the dancefloor and that she''s been flirting with him both in the past and now? Why hasn''t your FI taken any responsibility in this?

Sweetie, this isn''t going to stop once a wband is on your finger, you realize that, right? It''s time for your guy to grow a pair and man-up to his friend and that pathetic excuse of a GF he has.

And no, you should NOT invite her regardless of whatever transpires between now and your wedding. And you should be clear with E as to why his GF is NOT invited.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Don''t invite her, if FI''s buddy wants to get his panties in a bind TOO BAD.

 

[fieryred33143]

It's your wedding day. It's your special day. You should not subject yourself to people you do not like at your own wedding just for the sake of no having bad blood. I wouldn't invite her IMO. FYI...she sounds like one of these girls that LOVES other women's men. Disgusting.

Don't invite her and the next time you see her, put her in her place. I have zero tolerance for women who disrespect other women like this. Chicas are supposed to stick together.

ETA: I also read your other post and all I have to say is OH HELL NO. She would invite him to her house when her man wasn't home?? I don't even let my FF's friends through my door if he isn't home. I have them wait in the car or come back. Nope, don't like her. Don't know her and don't like her.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 6/9/2008 10:43:57 AM
Author: swingirl
Absolutely do not invite her. You don't like her, she flirts with your guy, she's shown she doesn't like you and it's YOUR wedding.

More importantly, though, I find it disturbing that your guy even went to the birthday party considering you weren't invited. That is no way for an engaged man to behave. He made the statement to everyone that your feelings weren't very important. The fact that you didn't want to go anyway is irrelevant. You were excluded and he was okay with it. It has nothing to do with jealously, either.

Yeah. I'm glad someone said it.

Alley honey. The problem isn't HER. It's your man. In this situation my fiance would have never atttended if I weren't invited. And if I was invited CHOSE not to go... she would have had things explained to her very carefully about her behaviour if she tried to pull anything. There was friend of John's that tried to pull sh*t like this. She was very unpleasantly surprised with the results of her efforts. There will always be women like this. It's your man's behaviour that determines whether or not you are affected, and to what extent.

It's your man's friend's GF. You man needs to tell his friend what's what and how things are going to be from now on. I can't believe his behaviour. I couldn't care less about hers. She's just a b*tch. It happens. But this is the man you are going to marry.

It's like women who blame the other woman for their spouse cheating, and make excuses for the spouse. SHE didn't promise to love and honor an be faithful-- HE DID. He's the one at fault.

ETA: Ditto Surfgirl too, except I don't see why you have to explain anything to anyone... have your FI tell his friend why the b*tch isn't invited.

 

[sklingem]

OK - maybe I am the only one to disagree here. Take the high road - and show that B*tch that you don't fear her and that, in the end, YOU married an awesome guy. What worse "punishment" could there be for her in seeing you guys getting happily married? In addition, NOT inviting significant others (especially of a good friend) is not OK IMHO - and you should not take the same (wrong) approach that she has taken. I do agree though with previous posts - your F should have declined to come if you were not invited and he should talk to his friend about her unacceptable behavior as well.

 

[Courtneylub]

I can''t imagine being in this situation. Not only that, but I would''ve confronted her a long time ago and it wouldn''t even be issue on whether or not to invite her. Secondly, I know you hate coming across as the typical jealous girlfriend/FI, but this is not the time to worry about that. You have to get your point across and I hope you realize it''s NOT OK for him to attend something that you were intentionally NOT invited to.

She is not invited. No No No.

 

[D2B]

This is not something I would normally say, but in your situation - No WAY DO NOT invite her. How can she not invite you to her birthday and then expect an inivite to your wedding, ditto for the partners to get upset. If her boyfriend or your FI complain, ask them to explain why she did not invite you and how it is any different - even if you didnt like the venue, it would have been your choice to say no if you didnt want to go.

And sorry, but why is your FI allowing her not to invite you and expecting you to invite her???????? I dont get it. Does not look good. Put your foot down, this all sounds to weird to me.

sorry for being blunt.
d2b

 

[fieryred33143]

I agree that your fiance should not have gone to that party without you. You guys are a packaged deal. If you can''t go, he shouldn''t go (totally different if it were a guy''s night out).

If you do invite her, expect her to upstage you in some way...I can picture her walking in with a white dress. Also know that this probably all stems from jealousy. After five years living together with no engagement, your man is looking pretty good in her eyes.

 

[Fancy605]

I think E deserves to know his girlfriend is hitting on other guys.

I personally would NEVER have anyone who treated me like at my wedding. It''s very rude of her to invite all sig. others EXCEPT you. (Of course if it were me, my DH would not be going, but you may be a bit more laid back about things like that than I am. I mean, if it were an all guy thing, sure, but if any girls were involved, that would be the end of that.) But regardless, I think I would put my foot down on this one. If your FI''s Best Friend makes a stink about it, then remind him that you were not invited to things she organized. It would be hypocritical of him to be okay with you not being invited to his thing, but NOT be okay with her not being invited to yours.

I personally would talk to my FI about the whole situation. I would tell her how I felt about being left out when all the other SOs were invited. I would tell him my general feelings on the girl (as in detesting her). Heck, I might even tell him that he needs to tell his buddy that his girlfriend was hitting on guys that weren''t him. (Although that could open a big ole can of worms, and usually I avoid things like that, but I mean, if my best friend knew something like that and didn''t tell me, I''d be REALLY mad)

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I wouldn''t invite her. Not only are you in no way obligated to have this woman at your wedding, maybe she will get a clue this is not ok. It has been my experience with women like this that they do it because they are spoiled children to whom no one has ever said no. I think my not inviting her, not only will you avoid the unpleasentness at your wedding, it will signal to her she can''t walk all over you.

 

[Bliss]

So I agree with all the ladies here, but DO NOT GET OVERLY EMOTIONAL when you talk to your man!

(((HUG)))

Be gentle and calm. Getting all riled up from these very truthful posts will only make you blow up at FI, which is not your intent. (And it''ll make him paranoid to tell you the next time some other insecure woman makes a pass at him.)

You really want to help him understand you and not put him on the defensive from the get go. He should not have gone without you and you can communicate that to him by telling him how much it hurts you. Give him the benefit of the doubt. He was honest, you didn''t tell him beforehand how you felt so he probably assumed you didn''t care so he went to celebrate his friend''s bday. Ya know? Guys can sometimes be clueless. Think of it as an opportunity to open his eyes a little more. It''s great practice for marriage!

Yeah, this happened to me as well once. FI''s very good friend invited just him to the wedding. The bride kind of "forbade" a bunch of his friends from bringing their SOs. I think she was very insecure. (AS if anyone''s going to hit on her man at HIS WEDDING? HELLO?) Anyway, a bunch of the guys didn''t go, including FI because they all thought it was incredibly ridiculous and insulting to only invite one half of a serious couple. Crazy, I tell ya!

 

[IrishBreakfast]

I just read your other thread. Wow. She''s a real troll.

 

[ringster]

i agree with everyone who posted that this is really an issue with how you and your FI handle this. AND i would like to add...where was your FI's best friend when his GF is throwing himself at your FI????!!!! their friendship (your FI and his friend) sounds not so healthy. FI needs to talk to his friend about how their relationship dynamic (his friend and friend's GF) is disrepectful to everyone involved.

so no you don't need to invite her but i think you and FI need to have a serious talk.

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 6/9/2008 11:06:37 AM
Author: surfgirl
ally, you know I''m very fond of you...but I''ve gotta say (and I''m not sure why it''s not been said yet here), why the hell is your FI allowing this to go on in the first place? You act like it''s all this witchy girl but really, as soon as your FI realized that EVERYbody else had been invited with their SO''s except your guy? He should have confronted witchy girl and demanded to know why she did that. And then he should have gone over to E and explained that as long as M continues to disrespect you, he cannot continue this friendship. Period. End of story. It''s not over the top. It''s common decency. I mean, why wouldn''t your FI tell E that his girl is grinding on him on the dancefloor and that she''s been flirting with him both in the past and now? Why hasn''t your FI taken any responsibility in this?

Sweetie, this isn''t going to stop once a wband is on your finger, you realize that, right? It''s time for your guy to grow a pair and man-up to his friend and that pathetic excuse of a GF he has.

And no, you should NOT invite her regardless of whatever transpires between now and your wedding. And you should be clear with E as to why his GF is NOT invited.

+ 1 billion.

 

[waterlilly]

My questions - How old are all of you (you, your FI, this other girl and her bf)? and how long have they been dating?

 

[swimmer]

Hehe, bee called her a "wagon." Not sure what that means, but it can't be good and I hope it makes you laugh allycat!

 

[lauralu]

Totally agree with everything surfgirl said. Do not invite her to your wedding, but more importantly, why does this not bother your FI? You not being invited. My man would never attend anything where others SO were invited but not me. He would flip out on any friend who even did that kind of thing.


I would not be gentle on my FI about this either. I would ask him point blank where his loyalties are. This SHOULD bother him and I can''t figure out why he just attends these functions and leaves you behind. I am so very sorry you are dealing with this.