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Divorce Is Not/Never An Option

DiamondsNPearls

DiamondsNPearls

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 7, 2013
Messages
507
What are your thoughts on couples who believe this "popular" mantra "Divorce is not an option/We don't believe in Divorce."

I have met a few, self-righteous couples who constantly allude to this. Granted, they appear very happily married...but nobody really knows about someone's marriage right?

My husband is one of the "rare" (I guess) men who believes in this. He says there are no divorces in his family, people stay together "til death do they part." He also said one of the things that solidified marriage to him was "NO divorce" even in the worst of times...interesting right? My husband said that unless there is abuse there should be no divorce (he even said "cheating can be worked through")

What are your thoughts on the "divorce is not an option/don't believe in divorce" I think divorce is sad but sometimes necessary...but that's my opinion...

Thoughts? Opinions? Facts? Details?
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Well, we made traditional vows of "as long as we both shall live", so I consider marriage as something that should be worked on to try to stay together in hard times, but I also believe there is a legitimate out if the other person commits adultery. That's breaking one of the other vows! I'd include abuse, also. I'd never want anyone to stay in a physically dangerous situation. That is another kind of betrayal.

But people define marriage in different ways, so what's important is that the two people getting married are very clear on the view of the other!
 
Marriage is veey hard work, is complicated and is a mystery. When looking back after 50 years, there will have been bumps in the road.

So ideally, yes, I believe divorce should never be on the table.

However, practically speaking, it is available as a choice. People have situations they didn't expect, fradulent motives, etc. There are several issues that void a marriage contract, and that is why divorce exists.
 
I think if you truly love each other, then 'most' things can be worked out. Physical and mental abuse are the exception, no one should stay in a destructive relationship.

I know some women stay in bad relationships because of their children, and I've seen people really screw up their children through horrendous and acrimonious divorces.

I'm not sure how I'd feel about adultery, fortunately during our near 39 years of marriage, I've not had to deal with it. I suppose I don't necessarily think it's the end of a marriage, but it would be really difficult to rebuild the trust.
 
It's a nice idea but not always possible.
 
I may watch too much of the ID channel. But a lot of the murders committed against husband or wives were committed by people who didn't believe in divorce. No offense to anyone here. But that's what comes to mind. Some psychos even set out to kill the pregnant wife for fear they will be tied down by child support or alimony.
 
All efforts should be made to keep the vows "Till death do us part". But I do believe there are exceptions...abuse, adultery!
 
I approached my marriage with not really considering divorce. And I told my husband those feelings, in fact waited to marry 5 years so make sure we were on the same page.
My parents divorced after 25 years, but the in laws and remaining grandparents all stayed married till death, to me I felt that was ideal, to have a loving mutually supportive relationship in order to raise children, and grow old together. But, things happen. In my case it was my husband had more than 1 emotional affair (unknown number), an emotional/physical affair of over 5 years where I was gaslighted, and emotionally and socially isolated by him so he could live his double life but not give up the financial and logistic security and support of marriage. His father had a long term affair where the wife stayed. I don't know if that affected him what was "ok" in a marriage (his sister also cheated on her husband and they are also getting a divorce). There are rumors the remaining sibling has also cheated, but those are rumors. Because of my and maybe his beliefs about marriage, I stayed in an emotionally damaging situation far too long. It would have been better if he had left before doing all that.
So, I guess I'm saying I'm not sure I believe in that statement. It is a nice sentiment, but if it allows the mentality of one person permission to take advantage of the other partner, knowing the other person will be extremely reluctant to leave the marriage it is not a good thing.
Ex moved out a year and a half ago, broke up with his affair by cheating on both her and me with yet a new person. Moved in with new girlfriend. The marriage is over (has been for a long time) yet he refuses to sign any divorce papers because he doesn't understand why that is necessary. For me the cheating wass not per se the deal breaker. For me the dealbreaker was the lying, the things he said about me to other people, and the lack of respect and remorse (except for getting caught, he does have remorse about that).
 
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It's constant, daily work to keep a marriage together. My idea - as long as there's not drug/alcohol abuse, physical abuse, cheating or verbal abuse. Work on it and honor your vows.
 
Marriage is a daily commitment to each other. It is work. I am remarried.
My ex husband and I were married for eight years. He cheated and went back to his first wife. Nothing I could have done would have saved that marriage.
When I remarried, my husband and I made the commitment to each other that divorce is not an option. However, we respect each other and I know this makes such a difference.
 
Marriage is a daily commitment to each other. It is work. I am remarried.
My ex husband and I were married for eight years. He cheated and went back to his first wife. Nothing I could have done would have saved that marriage.
When I remarried, my husband and I made the commitment to each other that divorce is not an option. However, we respect each other and I know this makes such a difference.
 
This question reminds me of when my sister and her husband got married and were going to have 'as many children as God gave them'. After 4 kids in 6 years, he got a vasectomy. It sounded lovely in theory but things happen. And I am not knocking religion or anything. Some things just aren't practical.
 
mom2dolls. That really resonated with me "nothing I could have done would have saved that marriage." I feel the same about my (first and only) marriage. It still makes me sad and is a loss. I still have the romantic ideal, that a marriage is two individuals who are better people together than separate. I am glad for those who got to experience that.
 
Sometimes for someone, divorce is the only option. Misunderstandings can be cleared, but betrayal can't be tolerated. Marriage is successful only when there is efforts from both the sides. I too also believe that divorce should not be the option but at the end if two peoples are unable to live and fulfill their vows together, divorce is the ultimate option. To give their relationship one more chance it is always better to go for counseling. The lawyer like this does not only work on cases, but also provides counseling. They can be your guardian, agent and legal adviser as well.
 
My own personal thoughts: When I was married to my first husband I thought I loved him. I was very young. It was miserable. We divorced.

My second husband is the love of my life. It was love at first sight for both of us. We have overcome obstacles as a team for 20 years. I think because the feelings we have for each other are mutual and we trust each other that divorce is not an option. Trust is a huge issue for me and why I respect my husband so much. I trust him with my feelings and to be on my side. I have seen couples where one is constantly undermining the happiness or the other, hurting their feelings, being untrustworthy. Yet they stay together. For example, I have a friend who went on a family vacation with her husband and the kids. Came back and her husband had arranged for the family dogs that she loved so much to be euthanized while they were gone. I couldn't live that way, but to each his own.
 
DH and I met at age 16 and have been married for 22 years (so been together for 31 years). We have gone to couples counseling 3 times so far, so say every 7 years of marriage, we have needed to come back together as a team (and individual counseling is a part of couples counseling) and re affirm goals and communication skills and make sure both of our needs are expressed, heard and are getting met.

It's like running a business and having the ten year evaluation. It's work and maintenance must be done.

I have seen situations where nothing one person could have done could have saved the marriage-- so I certainly feel for people who have been there.
 
Marriage is a huge commitment and difficult. Sometimes I think that if two people fall out of love and remaining together is bringing them no joy or happiness, then unless the issues causing the deep unhappiness can be addressed, separation is better. If your hopes, dreams, desires, morals and values aren’t being shared with your partner or worse, are being undermined, damaged or even destroyed, then staying in such a “marriage” is wrong.
 
I am divorced and had no choice. My ex-husband was abusive to not just me, but to my children. He is also mentally unstable. I don't think I would have lived had I stayed married to him. I had to get out for my kids and myself. My biggest regret is staying as long as I did. But I was terrified to leave him.

Getting divorced was the hardest and bravest think I have ever done. It was a 2 year hellish divorce and I have ZERO regrets. I am thankful everyday that I had the strength to get divorced. My kids are proud of me too.

I have to admit, when I got married, I was of the mind frame that divorce was not an option. Then life happened. Then his true colors came out. The abuse, the hellish life being married to him, the fear for my own life and my children's lives.

I am of the opinion that you can't judge others until you walk in their shoes. I live in a wealthy suburb and have had people judge me for being a single mom. But those people are not worth my time.
 
LisaRN said:
, I have a friend who went on a family vacation with her husband and the kids. Came back and her husband had arranged for the family dogs that she loved so much to be euthanized while they were gone. I couldn't live that way, but to each his own.
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:angryfire::angryfire::angryfire:
I can’t imagine the rage I would have been in if I came home and found out my partner had euthanized my dogs. I’m tearing up just thinking about it. I have more photos of my doggos on my phone than any human in my life!

Partner would be lucky if divorce was the only thing that happened to him if he did this.
 
Staying in my marriage was not an option. One of us would not have survived it. People need to do what is right for them in the situation.
 
I don't know for sure but think some of my female cousins live by this. One in particular, we NEVER see her husband. Not for the most recent gathering which was a memorial (there is always an excuse why) or other events that a husband would normally attend. Photos on facebook, just herself or herself with her kids. Major vacations, no sign of him. She might as well be divorced. I find it sad but I do not pry.
 
I don’t like to judge people’s choices because I never walked in their shoes.

In my personal life I would still be married to my first husband if I wasn’t gaslighted.
 
Deep down I am a die hard romantic and believe in happy ever after.

However, it reality, it seldom happens.

People grow apart over time, and it takes a lot of efforts to keep a relationship alive by both parties.

It can be daunting for some to step out on his or her own after spending a long time in a relationship.

However, IMHO, it would be better on one's own than in a miserable relationship.


DK :((
 
I think it's a sentiment that paves the way for a person to do a lot of awful things , knowing they won't get divorced.
Especially when 1 partner believes it but the other doesn't.
 
For us, divorce is always an option! That’s part of what makes staying together so special. And a daily contribution to making life bearable and desirable for us both. We are always choosing to stay. IMO that’s what makes marriage special. Deciding to stay.
 
@pearaffair I agree with you on that concept. Whether you are married (or not), the act of deciding to stay together and picking a person to commit to every single day, is special, through ups and downs.
 
I am sad to say my opinion has changed over time. We are in a bad place and have been for a while. I find myself thinking about divorce and being by myself with the girls often.
 
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