Cancer, the Sandbox, and Me

[movie zombie]

......

Andelain, i wanted to say that i read your post in JewelFreak's thread in which you said, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." of course, that was about the loss of loved ones. what i wanted to say to you here in your thread which is about something one could never be happy about is that YOU have the right mind set and attitude traveling your path. one could never be happy having breast cancer. but one can be happy about having survived the sandbox. i don't think i'm writing any of this very well but i admire you. you are facing everything with courage. when i read what you wrote in that other thread i wondered if you had studied taoism at all.....? because that was such a taoist thing to write.

No Tao, just heard someone I know say it and could relate. So often when I find a thread or RL situation like that I get lost for words, so I'll borrow someone else's words if they say what I'm thinking.

I'm not sure if I have the best attitude or not. I'm neither optimistic about beating this, nor pessimistic. I either will or I won't win the battle. I know what the statistics say, even with treatment there's about a 30% chance it'll come back and spread. There's close to a 70% chance it won't. So I'll have to wait and see which side I end up on. Sometimes people tell me I have to just believe I'll beat this. I don't think that way, I have to accept that I may not. That means down the road I might have to think about things like who gets my bling, etc. For now though, I'm not concerned with that. For now it hasn't spread, so I'll keep on acting accordingly. And being too sick to move from the chemo, that is.......

.......

again, very Taoist. here and now. acceptance of reality and facing it in a realistic manner. keeping one's feet on the path. you're walking it without even knowing it. facing this cancer with who and what you are. my admiration for you deepens.

 

[junebug17]

Just wanted to let you know I'm so sorry you're going through this and feeling so rotten, sending positive thoughts and dust as you make your way through your treatments and procedures. Thinking of you.

 

[minousbijoux]

HI Andelain

I just wanted to reach out to you as a fellow survivor. I too had A/C and it kicked my butt. I felt like if it was doing that to me, it must have been knocking the cancer around too. I remember I used to run on the treadmill, on the few days when the chemo was letting me, and I would get this rhythm going, and just chant in my head "Die, Motherf___er, Die Motherf___er!" and imagine my blood surging in and fighting and pushing it out...

Though in the grand scheme of things, they may seem trivial, I hope you know that those side effects are a huge deal in their own right. Not just a complication or an annoyance. Yes, your hair/scalp really hurts. Yes, you don't know the meaning of the word constipation until you've had chemo. Sores in the mouth are really painful. Yes, the very sight of the color red can make you sick. You're scared if someone in the room sneezes near you...

You are a survivor and a fighter. That will take you a long way. The treatment will do the rest. When someone says "I know just how you feel..." or "you must maintain a positive attitude" you have the blessing and support of every cancer survivor out there to ignore them Every day, do what feels right to you, no one else.

In my darkest time, my oncologist, typically lacking in any kind of bedside manner because he was so research driven, told me: "There will come a time when you wake up in the middle of the night and you can't sleep due to worry. When it happens, remember that every day new research is done and new clinical trials are out there. And if and when you need it, there will be new treatments there to meet you." Great, comforting and insightful words that will continue to be true for a long time to come.

My thoughts, prayers, hugs and dust are with you, my friend. And reach out if you ever need anything.

 

[Andelain]

Bless your precious heart Andelain! You are my SHERO in so many ways. My prayers for comfort and healing are with you.

I've been through two rounds of chemo to try and wean me off of steroids for my SLE Lupus and it isn't any fun. You are a fighter and I know you will get through this.

I'm looking forward to hearing more about your journey and please know that we are here for you!

HUGS,
Lori

Wow, 2 rounds! And I'm sitting here wondering how I'm going to get through one! Prayers and dust headed your way to get you through this.

Thinking of you today, hope all is going well. ****dust****
As for the chemo brain sorry to say but I and my cousin( who was diagnosed weeks after me) found we had fog for about a year! Good thing is when you forget to do something like pay a bill and call it chemo brain they forgive you!
You mentioned in a post about mastectomy, IMO I hope you are considering reconstruction at the same time.
...................

Elisa

Yes, I'm getting the first part of the reconstruction done one the table. I've opted for silicone implants under just a flap of pec muscle. The idea of getting muscle cut scared me too much. I'm glad yours went well.

Yeah, when that doc say I can go I'm going to be SO gone even I won't know where to find me!

Lots of dust headed your way. A million thanks for the job you do and I'm really happy to see you're back on PS.

Thank you.

..........

again, very Taoist. here and now. acceptance of reality and facing it in a realistic manner. keeping one's feet on the path. you're walking it without even knowing it. facing this cancer with who and what you are. my admiration for you deepens.

Hmmmm, this makes me think I'm going to have to study Tao a little. I've never really thought of my way of thinking as following any kind of belief, other than the fact that I don't fall into either the optimist or pessimist category. I've just always been somewhere in the middle. Very interesting to think about. And thank you.

Just wanted to let you know I'm so sorry you're going through this and feeling so rotten, sending positive thoughts and dust as you make your way through your treatments and procedures. Thinking of you.

Thank you, very much.

HI Andelain

I just wanted to reach out to you as a fellow survivor. I too had A/C and it kicked my butt. I felt like if it was doing that to me, it must have been knocking the cancer around too. I remember I used to run on the treadmill, on the few days when the chemo was letting me, and I would get this rhythm going, and just chant in my head "Die, Motherf___er, Die Motherf___er!" and imagine my blood surging in and fighting and pushing it out...

Though in the grand scheme of things, they may seem trivial, I hope you know that those side effects are a huge deal in their own right. Not just a complication or an annoyance. Yes, your hair/scalp really hurts. Yes, you don't know the meaning of the word constipation until you've had chemo. Sores in the mouth are really painful. Yes, the very sight of the color red can make you sick. You're scared if someone in the room sneezes near you...

You are a survivor and a fighter. That will take you a long way. The treatment will do the rest. When someone says "I know just how you feel..." or "you must maintain a positive attitude" you have the blessing and support of every cancer survivor out there to ignore them Every day, do what feels right to you, no one else.

In my darkest time, my oncologist, typically lacking in any kind of bedside manner because he was so research driven, told me: "There will come a time when you wake up in the middle of the night and you can't sleep due to worry. When it happens, remember that every day new research is done and new clinical trials are out there. And if and when you need it, there will be new treatments there to meet you." Great, comforting and insightful words that will continue to be true for a long time to come.

My thoughts, prayers, hugs and dust are with you, my friend. And reach out if you ever need anything.

Wow, I'm amazed you could get on the treadmill at all. You're tough. I can barely walk to and from the car, and have to use a cane because of the dizzy spells that sometimes don't give me any warning before they hit. You're not kidding about the side effects from chemo being bad, and your comment about constipation tells me you've BTDT. No other way you'd understand if you hadn't.

I'll bet you remember that Godawful taste in your mouth that wouldn't go away, too. And other lovely memories...... I appreciate your offer, and I'll reach out to you gladly.



I had my last A/C dose a few days ago, thankfully. I wouldn't have believed it possible to feel this terrible and still be alive. Next up, I have 12 doses of Taxol. My doc says many people tolerate that better then the A/C, so I'm really hoping. Thanks for all the dust and prayers.

 

[rainwood]

My husband had Cytoxan a number of times as part of his chemo and it's just a tough, tough drug. The good part is that when the chemo is over, you'll be able to focus on other things and life will seem a lot better. The nausea and fatigue and all the other crap that goes with chemo will start to fade. It really will.

 

[zoebartlett]

Thinking of you, Andelain.

 

[minousbijoux]

Yay for having your last round of AC!!!! Congratulations for making it through - it will only get better from here. I did NOT have Taxol so I have no first hand experience to offer, but I can tell you the good news is that everyone in my support group at the time had it and everyone tolerated it far better than AC. IIRC, joint pain was the biggie, but not everyone got it.

Please keep us posted if you feel up to it.

More hugs, dust, positive thoughts and prayers coming your way.

-Minou

 

[Sparklelu]

Yeah for last round!!!! I did not have taxol, but was on tamoxifen for 5 years!!!
You can do it!
Dust***** for no side effects and for that nasty metallic taste gone for good!
Elisa

 

[erinl]

Andelain,

My thoughts and positive energy are with you. Congratulations on getting through the last round of chemo. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be. You are definitely a warrior!!

 

[danners84]

Yay for finishing the AC! I hope the Taxol goes much smoother for you and you start to feel better soon.

Been thinking about you quite a bit. Keep kicking that cancer's @ss!

 

[tyty333]

Just wanted to stop by and say . Glad you have finished that last round. Hope the next stage goes smoother!
Even though you may not feel like it right now, I consider you one "tough cookie". You have my admiration. Cant
wait until this subject is part of your history and you are back to feeling more like your ole self. Hang in there.

tyty

 

[Rosebloom]

Thinking of you! I've always admired your collection (and your amazing blond hair - so sorry to hear it's gone for now!) but I admire your strength and calmness infinitely. Dust, dust and more dust (and prayers).

 

[Rosebloom]

Thinking of you and wondering if you had any updates you wanted to share. Dust!

 

[Andelain]

Thinking of you and wondering if you had any updates you wanted to share. Dust!

Hi, and thanks for the caring and good thoughts, friends. Turns out I'm not tolerating Taxol much, if any, better than I did the A/C. The joint pain comes and goes, but when it comes there's no relief. Fatigue and chemo brain feel a bit different, but are still here. Just a slightly different flavor of each, if that makes sense. Some other side effects, too. Stomach cramps, dizzy spells, etc. I haven't come in here to update lately, because I really wanted to avoid just posting negative all the time.

Right now I'm halfway through the total number of doses of chemo, and depression is getting the better of me. I keep reminding myself that I'm halfway through, but then I remember that I'm ONLY halfway through. I'll come out of it, I'm sure, but I hope it happens before I go nuts. OK, enough of my griping.

 

[Vera W]

Dear Andelian,

Keep the glass half full ma'am. Your halfway there!! Continually praying for your healing and recovery. Lay down, rest, suck on ice chips and watch some funnies on TV. Hopefully that will help pass the sicky time for you. Your always welcome to "prank " call me if you want, I will say some crazy but polite things on prank calls.

Sending you tons of well wishes and of course topped with diamond dust. OXOXOXOX.

 

[Enerchi]

[quote="Andelain|1346300286|3259605
Right now I'm halfway through the total number of doses of chemo, and depression is getting the better of me. I keep reminding myself that I'm halfway through, but then I remember that I'm ONLY halfway through. I'll come out of it, I'm sure, but I hope it happens before I go nuts. OK, enough of my griping.[/quote]


1/2 is at the top of the roller coaster, its a smooth (albeit SCARY!) ride down the 2nd half, but its almost done!!! Hang in there - one day at a time, focus on the positives, you are ahead of the curve at this point. I hope when this is over, all your symptoms and sideeffects resolve and you can enjoy a clean bill of health.

I can't remember all of this thread, but are you a spiritual person? is there someone you can just sit and 'be' with... someone who gives you comfort without any effort? (you know, not one of those high demand contacts, but just being beside them is comfortable...)

I am sending you positive vibes, a truck load of DUST and a giant {{{HUG}}}!!! Keep smiling, Andelain!

 

[HollyS]

Praying for the best possible outcome, relief from your pain, and a lift of your feeling of depression.

Remember that thinking positively has shown to be a big help in the healing process.

 

[minousbijoux]

Oh, Andelain, I'm sorry to hear this but so happy you're posting. We are here for you, honey, let the griping rip! For those of us who've been there, done that we get it. All of us are sending nothing but love, healing energy and compassion.

I know you know this, but that depression is absolutely real. Its real mentally and its real physically. I'm sure there has come a time when you've even questioned why you're bothering with it all. I'm just really sorry. Its insidious that in this day and age, our way of dealing with cancer is still to cut, burn and poison, but that's reality.

I didn't even have Taxol and chemo damn near had me giving up. If I had to take Taxol and had the reaction like you I'm sure I would've felt just like you do now. One of the things they did for me when I did not tolerate the AC at all, was to give me Ativan for the few days after treatment. I remember not being able to lift my head up without, you know, vomiting (sorry to be graphic, like that's what you need now), but when I was on the ativan I remember emotionally being able to tolerate it better; I would sort of be able to calmly throw up without the emotional turmoil that was typically involved ("Oh my God, my life is out of control, I can't even get out of bed, how can I go on this way...") I know Taxol is different and is more insidious in that the pain and side effects are ongoing, but is there something you can take to numb you out so to speak and at least turn off the tape of "I'm only halfway through, I can't keep going, etc." in your head for a while? Just a thought. My one thing now looking back is that I thought I should "tough it out." He-- to the NO! If you want to fight with everything that exists to help, DO IT! Its not like natural childbirth, this is like fighting something pure evil and anything that gets you through is the right thing to do...

Ginormous hugs,

-Minou

 

[backwardsandinheels]

Thank you for your service and much love and best wishes to kick the cancer's a**!,

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Praying for you, Andelain! I can't even imagine the suffering you are experiencing. Hang in there.

 

[Autumnovember]

Andelain - I'm thinking of you often!!!!! Much love and lots of positive energy!

 

[Rosebloom]

Wow, that sucks. Hang in there. My family will pray for you and send positive healing vibes your way. Wish I could send you a honking D IF just to distract you for a bit.

 

[tyty333]

Glad you are up to posting...I dont mind hearing the whining and griping. I hear it from my kids all day and they have
NO excuse! Hopefully the second half will go by much faster than the first half. Are you up to watching funny movies?
It might help raise your mood. I'm picturing that "I Love Lucy" episode where the candy is rolling out of the machine
faster than they can pack it...you know what they say about laughter. It cant hurt to give it a try.

 

[rainwood]

Thinking of you and wondering if you had any updates you wanted to share. Dust!

Hi, and thanks for the caring and good thoughts, friends. Turns out I'm not tolerating Taxol much, if any, better than I did the A/C. The joint pain comes and goes, but when it comes there's no relief. Fatigue and chemo brain feel a bit different, but are still here. Just a slightly different flavor of each, if that makes sense. Some other side effects, too. Stomach cramps, dizzy spells, etc. I haven't come in here to update lately, because I really wanted to avoid just posting negative all the time.

Right now I'm halfway through the total number of doses of chemo, and depression is getting the better of me. I keep reminding myself that I'm halfway through, but then I remember that I'm ONLY halfway through. I'll come out of it, I'm sure, but I hope it happens before I go nuts. OK, enough of my griping.

My husband has gone through many, many rounds of chemo and now a stem-cell transplant. It's okay to feel down or sorry for yourself because cancer really, really sucks. It just does. If you think it goes beyond that though, a cancer support group will help. And don't think about how much chemo may lie ahead, just think about getting through today. That's all you need to do. Get through today. Then tomorrow, all you need to do is get through that day. One day at a time is a cliche, but it's really, really true with cancer. Just keep getting through today and sooner than you think, that day will be the last day of chemo and you'll be able to kiss it goodbye. Be sure to wear a nice shade of lipstick when you do.

 

[Imdanny]

Andelain, prayers and dust!

 

[Abby12]

Wishing you a speedy recovery! Prayers for you!

 

[Cluless]

Sending prayers your way with lots of hugs xo

 

[Rosebloom]

Thinking of you!

 

[dani13]

Thinking of you A, and praying for your speedy recovery!!!!

 

[VRBeauty]

Thinking of you, Andelain.