Blueroses...

[decodelighted]

Date: 5/2/2006 9:53:46 PM
Author: blueroses
I went to the grocery store and LITERALLY? ''All by myself'' is playing on the PA supermarket radio thing. Ridiculous. I''m standing on my tiptoes attempting to reach a frozen Amy''s Indian entree thing which is way too high up for me and it hits me what song it is and I actually said, out loud by myself, ''oh come ON.''

Hey lady!

First off -- I''m so sorry you''re going through this trial but I know EXACTLY why you''re doing it and agree 125%. Knowledge IS power, even if it''s very challenging to come by!

The "spotting him" story had me laughing & crying -- I have SO BEEN THERE (not literally, but I know the feeling) and the grocery store and the song EIYIYIYIYI. God likes his sit-coms doesn''t he! A couple days after breaking up with my first love I had to go to the drugstore for something and I looked up and every inch of the interior was decorated for Valentines Day. Way over the top inapproriate for a CORNER DRUGSTORE. Plus - nuthin but love songs piping through the musak monster. I thought I was gonna faint from sorrow & sensory overload.

Hope you''re hanging in there! Getting back in touch with the whole you & taking good care of yourself! My fave quote over in my Who''s Who thread seems particularly appropriate in your case ... (From GIRLS POKER CLUB) "Happy Endings aren''t for cowards." And gosh darn it -- you''ve shown more courage & class than anyone has a right to! So your Happy Ending is long overdue! I just hope I''m around to see plenty of Happy happen for my asscher/pave/halo stalkin'' sister Blueroses.

XXXOOOO
Deco

 

[fatafelice]

Blueroses, I just wanted you check in and see how you are doing...if you feel like sharing. Thank you so much for your comments in my SMTR thread. I know that you, more than most, can appreciate the stress of sitting at the top of that list. And you are right, now it was all worth it.

I hope you are doing well and still feeling strong. I''ll be thinking about you.

 

[ilovesparkles]

Ummm I totally replied to the absolute wrong topic! So I have deleted my entry, I apologize! How many more weeks for you blue? Stay strong girl!

 

[blueroses]

Hi girls!! **LONG POST ALERT**

I have been more off than on PS the last few weeks and haven't responded to "my" thread in quite some time!!

First of all, THANK YOU THANK YOU so much for all of the kind, supportive, fun, awesome comments I hadn't responded to from Fatafelice, Blenheim, equestrienne, Croi (my e-buddy), allycat, Mara, Firegoddess, Starset, anchor31, ilovesparkles, IrishAngel, decodelighted. You ladies RULE and it always makes me feel good to know I have my virtual buddies on my side. (Or as my mother refers to PS: my "ring friends.")

So it's been a few weeks since the drugstore sighting and muzak-persecution debacle and there's been a lot that's gone on since then that I just didn't have the energy to address. So here's some catch-up.

My family's oldest dog--a standard poodle empress by the name of Matilda--has had declining health over the last few months. Basically, at almost 14 her body was just old. All her bloodwork and organs were fine, but her spine was degenerating and she was in a lot of pain and lessened mobility b/c of disc slippage and sciattica (sp?) This has been going on gradually for a couple months and she was getting on steadily stronger NSAIDs, pain meds, etc. The last week of April/first week of May she was having a terrible time physically but still was very with it in spirit and social, etc. We finally put her on fentynl patches (hard core narcotic stuff that human cancer patients are on) and knew it was only a matter of time and were just kind of waiting for her cue to us. The very same day that I saw my bf in the drugstore parking lot and all of that was right when Matilda was not doing very well--a Tuesday. The night before that, Monday, she was still eating. By Tuesday, she was in less pain b/c of the meds, but had stopped eating and we knew it might be within the week to make that decision, etc. I know those of you w/ pets know what I'm talking about--you don't want them to suffer, but you also want to make sure they let you know they're ready, and they DO. So this is all at the same time that I had the "encounter" with my bf and it was just too much to post about at the time. Anyway, Wednesday we just knew it was time. She had lost her spark, she was hurting, she had no appetite at all, etc. Now, to give you some background, Matilda is my bf's other girlfriend. He ADORED her, she was like, IN LOVE with him. She would purr when he came over and give me these looks like, get away from my man. They were this symbiotic little pair.

So I called my therapist b/c there was no way I wanted this to happen without him knowing about it. Long story short, after setting it up with the vet (calling my sister who started driving down from LA, etc......we were not able to tell my dad at the time b/c he was IN THE HOPSITAL about to have surgery the next morning. Honestly, this has been a year. ANYWAY.) So our therapist ok'd that this was reasonable to communicate and have him come say goodbye to Matilda. She made the call for me but he was on his way to work and didn't get the message and I knew he probably wouldn't even hear the VM until after it was too late so I just called him at work. He wasn't able to come say goodbye to her, but he went on speaker phone and she--who'd been pretty much an invalid, but still a queen going from one dogbed to the next in EVERY room--actually SAT UP when she heard his voice and listened to him and he talked to her for several minutes and then we talked for quite a while. He had had no idea I'd seen him at the store. It was sad but good--really good--to talk to him. He was just devastated about Miss Matilda, of course. SO we probably spoke for around 1/2 an hour and then he called again a few times to check on her again and then called me that night to make sure it had all gone ok. We took her to the vet and they carried her in on a stretcher and again, she sat up with her paws crossed and looked like Queen Nefertiti being carried by her court or something. GORGEOUS, wonderful creature and we adored her

So she went "over the bridge" at 5:30 that night and then I went and met one of my girlfriends for several margaritas b/c I just needed to get out of the house. (I'd been basically doing canine nursing care for 2 weeks and sleeping next to Matilda on the dog bed, etc.) BF called while I was out and then I called him back after the end of LOST with my jaw on the floor (when Michael shot Libby and AnaLucia

). We must have spoken for close to 2 hours. It was sort of detente--at the 5 1/2 week mark, almost halfway through the separation. I didn't ask him about where he was in that decision process, but we talked about everything and laughed and it was so damn NORMAL and US and we were very loveydovey, etc.....so even though it made me miss him and stuff, it was a very good thing to have while we mourned Matilda (who's been in his life for over 9 years!) and stuff. And it didn't make me feel any weaker, like now that the "seal had been broken" or something that I'd be cracking and calling him all the time.

Of all things, after almost 6 weeks of nothing, I saw him driving the very next morning--we passed each other going opposite ways on the same street. I figured we were within the same 24 window so I called him and we spoke very briefly, and that was it. Back to the grind. (And on Weds. of this week I drove by him AGAIN!!! Enough of the small town!) All I could think this time as I drove past him was "SHAVE!!!!!!"

It's ok. It's been a lot to deal with, but the time apart has really made me focus on me and my own issues and "stuck-ness" and depression and PowER (bwhahaha) beyond where he is with this/us. I mean, I am now definitely sure that it will either be one or the other, period. I can't do this anymore and I won't. I really, REALLY hope we end up together and I do really miss him. But I will no longer wait around and let this get any worse--and we'll see, maybe this will have "worked" for him. That's one thing that sucks about both of us seeing the same counselor while we're apart is that she KNOWS what's up with us both and can't tell us. I'm just ready for things to stop being sh&tty. It's been a year of deaths, cancer, suicide, losing two dogs, depression, separation, and I am TIRED OF IT! Things really do pile on at the same time and I guess the silver lining is that if I haven't cracked up by now then I am more resilient than I give myself credit for. (God, this just turned into the most narcissistic post of ALL TIME

)

So that's what's up. I leave again on the road (short tour this time) the last day of June, and our separation ends on June 17. So I only have around 3 weeks left. Honestly, it hasn't been the worst thing in the world. I'm eager to know what's next, but it's not been totally suck-o.

I will keep you all posted, and I will be posting in SMTR in a few days b/c my RHR is ready to pick up!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you again to all of you for the wonderful support, and thanks for indulging the long-saga message.

Oh, and here are 2 small (not great) pics of the most gorgeous retired show-dog lady in the world!!!!!!

 

[allycat0303]

Oh Blueroses, I''m so sorry to hear about your dog. I know how hard it is to lose your pet, but take comfort in the fact that she knew she was loved by you both. I''m so glad to hear you are doing well. And only 3 WEEKS!! So short of a time, yet really so long. I''m rooting for you and sending you strong positive vibes. You''re going to get through this just fine.

hugs!

 

[blueroses]

Oh, thank you so much Ally!!!! I know you understand so well about losing a pet and also the relationship/being apart stuff!!

I have been thinking of you as well so much and crossing my fingers that your exams and school would go GREAT so that you can focus on yourself and taking care of YOU very very soon!!!!

Thanks sweetie....((HUGS))

 

[fatafelice]

Blue, I''m so glad you checked in over here!

And I am so sorry for the loss of Matilda. She sounds very special and I can only imagine how sad you must be. I know if I lost one of my babies, I would probably be inconsolable. And I am glad that you were able to include your bf. In a similar situation, I would have done exactly the same thing. Mike adores our dogs...when we broke up a few years ago, my cocker spaniel was staying with him (I was doing summer stock in VA -- no dogs allowed) and he agreed to keep her with him until the end of the summer. When he brought her down to MD to my parents house to give her back, it was one of the most painful moments of both of our lives. I get teary just thinking about it. For him, he wasn''t just losing me, he was also losing her. And he was devastated.

I think it is good that you two got to talk, even if you weren''t originally supposed to. I''m not surprised to hear that it didin''t make you feel "weaker." You seem to be -- especially considering what you have gone through this year -- in a really good place. Three more weeks is not much time, and you will finally be able to move on in one direction or the other, though I hope with all my heart that he does everything in his power to make you the happiest woman on Earth. You deserve it!

Can''t wait to see that RHR!!! Best wishes for a speedy three weeks and future!

 

[blueroses]

Fata, thank you so much sweetie--it means a lot. I know JUST what you mean about the doggy hand-off. That must have been heartbreaking!! Are you blind yet from the ICY WHITE DIAMOND on your left hand? Heehee

Seriously, such a stunner. I''m glad you and Ally both hang out w/ the LIW even though you both graduated!!!!!

Thanks so much for the cheerleading.....almost there!!!


(And summerstock?? Are you an actor too and I forgot/didn''t know??!! Cool!!!)

 

[Mara]

blue wow lots has been going on!! i actually think talking to him maybe helped you both a little....and i do think that at the end of the time period you will both feel one way or another, this SHOULD be a catalyst for change.

i''m so sorry to hear about mathilda...big hugs to you and hang in there, you will get through it all, it will get better and in the end it will be RIGHT. good luck gal.

 

[fatafelice]

Date: 5/26/2006 4:33:13 PM
Author: blueroses
Fata, thank you so much sweetie--it means a lot. I know JUST what you mean about the doggy hand-off. That must have been heartbreaking!! Are you blind yet from the ICY WHITE DIAMOND on your left hand? Heehee

Seriously, such a stunner. I''m glad you and Ally both hang out w/ the LIW even though you both graduated!!!!!

Thanks so much for the cheerleading.....almost there!!!


(And summerstock?? Are you an actor too and I forgot/didn''t know??!! Cool!!!)

Actually, I used to work in costume design/construction. I even spent a year working towards my MFA in costume design before I realized that I didn''t actually want to do that for the rest of my life. I miss it sometimes, though, and have been meaning to see if any of the local theatres need any help.

And I am not blind, but I think I am making myself a little cross-eyed!

 

[FireGoddess]

Blueroses, your separation ends on my birthday!!!! I will be hoping for good things for you and a fresh new start.

I hope things go as you want them to.

I am so sorry to hear about all that has been going on with you - I know from experience that sometimes it feels like all the crap is just PILING on thicker and deeper. It is true that if you have gotten through all of this, you can get through anything! *hugs*

 

[Kaleigh]

Oh sweetie,
I am in tears about Matilda. I know how much you loved her. So very sorry. Of course you did the right thing for her. I hope everything works out for you. I know it''s been a long seperation but a necessary one. My biggest hugs to you!! xxxooo Lisa

 

[Rhapsody]

Oh sweetie I am SOO sorry about your dog. My 15 year old dog passed away a year and half ago and even though we had known it was coming for quite awhile it still hits you like a train when it actually comes down to that moment.

Only 3 more weeks to go... MY stomache is in knots in anticipation for you, I can only imagine how you feel. Whatever the outcome I''m glad you''ve found your strength and I hope things work out for the best.

 

[bee*]

I really hope that things work out for you. I also know the pain of losing your dog-my childhood dog who I had from the age of 5 till 19 was put down 5 years ago and I can still remember the pain. I dont know what I am going to do when my current golden retriever gets to that age-she''s 9 at the moment and had cancer last year but as I work at a vets I managed to see it straight away and we got it in time. My boyfriend absolutely adores her and I think that it was great that you contacted him to let him know when the time came for your dog.
Once again, I hope that you have a happy ending!

My mother also has standard poodles which she shows

 

[blueroses]

Hi girls,

Just giving a little narcissistic bump (

) for you kind PSers who have offered advice and support.......the "separation" ends this Saturday June 17. I will keep you posted!

 

[Mara]

How is it going BR? Are you excited? Or a little apprehensive? What is the plan, to meet both of you with your therapist?

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Wow, the time away is almost up. What are you thinking, feeling? Do you think the time away has given you any extra clarity? *I think I remember that primarily the confusion/apprehension was on the side of your boyfriend, though.*

Did you two cheat at all? If not, good for you!

Thinking good thoughts for you, girl.

*After reading this, I thought I should add "cheat as far as trying to talk to one another, not meaning *on* each other. I think that goes without saying, but just in case.*

 

[Scintillating]

Blueroses - I'm so sorry about Matilda.
It's amazing how short 14 years can seem - isn't it?
Hang in there. Hopefully Tessa providing you with a little extra poodle TLC.

Scintillating...

 

[mrssalvo]

Date: 6/13/2006 5:21:24 PM
Author: Mara
How is it going BR? Are you excited? Or a little apprehensive? What is the plan, to meet both of you with your therapist?

''

just catching up on this thread. I always think about you when I see you avatar and wondered how you are doing. I''m so sorry about the loss of your doggie

I''ll been thinking of you on the 17th as well.

ditto mara

 

[allycat0303]

Blueroses: How is that narcisstic? There are so many of us on PS rooting for you, a little update is always good! And how are you feeling? Positive and strong I hope? 4 days. 4 days. I think it''s kind of intense just rooting for you, because I want a happy ending for you too.

Take care in the mean time. Hugs!

 

[sk8rjen]

I also haven''t caught up on some of the last couple of weeks'' posts until now, and I am just SO sorry to hear about Matilda. Such a hard thing to go through, and it sounds like you''ve had a tough year! I just am really hoping that there''s a big happy light at the end of this tunnel for you and all will be well on the 17th! I''ll be thinking about you...
jen

 

[anchor31]

Hey blueroses!

I''m glad you dropped by for a bit of news. My sympathies for your dear dog, and I really hope things go well on Saturday...

 

[Blue824]

Oh wow... are you nervous?? I hope that all goes well this weekend!

 

[blueroses]

As usual, you girls rock the house. Thanks Mara, Fishie, Scintillating, MrsSalvo, Ally, sk8erjen, and anchor31.

How am I feeling?......... All of the above!!! I''m apprehensive and excited and also not really wanting myself to be either one. The point of this has been, of course, to really "try on" both outcomes, which I''ve done as much as I can.....but I don''t want to let myself feel either too optimistic OR too down-trodden either, so I''m in this last days waiting game and what will be will be.

In terms of "clarity"...yep, I think so. I mean, I wasn''t the one w/ "soon" issues, it''s him. But I have gotten more confidence in my ability to say sayonara if I must. I don''t want that to be the case, but the time apart has helped me to be assured that the way things were is just NOT ok and isn''t going to go on. Life''s too short, and even if he were to come back and say I still want us to be together but I just don''t want to get married, that is not enough for me and that would have to be it.

We have really not "cheated" in terms of breaking the rules to talk or see each other EXCEPT for the one thing I told you about when we had to put Lady Poodle Matilda to sleep (and thanks for the sweet words about her Scintillating and anchor!)

Ally, you''re right--I guess it isn''t too self-centered to bump up the thread when so many of you really are caring about the outcome and being SO GREAT....just my default self-deprecating mode, I guess!

Anyway, THANK YOU

 

[diamondfan]

Blue, you have been so strong! You have had a lot thrown at you and have handled it with grace. I hope it all works out well for you...I am sure it will all be the right thing. I am sorry about beautiful Matilda and hope you have some small comfort in knowing she must have felt all of your family''s love and devotion to her. How is your dad by the way? I am late to the topic here and do not want you to have to repeat things, so what is the thread I can look up to see the backstory? GOOD LUCK THIS SATURDAY and know you are very resilient and capable...

 

[blueroses]

Thanks so much DiamondFan!!

Gosh, I am such a PS addict that there are plenty of old "backstory" posts dating back to the old "anxious" thread, the first few LIW threads, and then finally the LIW forum.....

I think there''s a bit of a nutshell here:

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/if-marriage-is-very-important-to-you.42588/page-3

and more detail on boy soon vs. girl soon here:

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/boy-soon.25425/=

And from right before we went into counseling here:

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/can-he-learn-romance.38819/

 

[FireGoddess]

Not narcissistic at all - it has been great to see you around here again lately. I hope everything goes well this weekend.

 

[diamondfan]

Date: 6/13/2006 11:56:00 PM
Author: blueroses
Thanks so much DiamondFan!!

Gosh, I am such a PS addict that there are plenty of old ''backstory'' posts dating back to the old ''anxious'' thread, the first few LIW threads, and then finally the LIW forum.....

I think there''s a bit of a nutshell here:

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/if-marriage-is-very-important-to-you.42588/page-3

and more detail on boy soon vs. girl soon here:

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/boy-soon.25425/=

And from right before we went into counseling here:

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/can-he-learn-romance.38819/

I think the gist is he might not want marriage in the future and you do? (I do recall seeing this in the past if I am not mistaken!)

PS, I agree with FG...you are NOT a narcissist if we are all clammoring to hear from you and tell you you have been on our minds!

 

[blueroses]

Date: 6/14/2006 12:07:50 AM
Author: diamondfan



I think the gist is he might not want marriage in the future and you do? (I do recall seeing this in the past if I am not mistaken!)

PS, I agree with FG...you are NOT a narcissist if we are all clammoring to hear from you and tell you you have been on our minds!

......sort of, but not exactly, more like we both always said we'd get married in the future and always thought we were on the same page (dating since our early 20s) but fast forward to early 30s, suddenly "someday" was now and it turns out he just hadn't been honest with himself or me about being ready, or more importantly, about what it would take for him/us for him to BE ready. It was more an issue of "of course I want us to get married, of course I want us to spend the rest of our lives together......it will happen 'soon'!"

So after over 2 years of talking about it, ring shopping, blahblahblah, we are finally now--with counseling and time apart--going to be at a REAL put up or shut up kind of place. And it is a possibility that after all this that perhaps he may have found within himself that he DOESN'T want marriage after all. Or maybe he will. We shall see!



ETA: Thanks FireGoddess....nice to be back too, though I get so PS OCD sometimes it's a bit much....but thanks, sweetie!!

 

[bookworm21]

Blue, I just caught this thread (I''m on and off of PS for short periods). Wow, that''s so much going on in your life. Please keep us posted, and I''m sending good thoughts out your way! I hope everything works out for the better.