Blueroses...

[researcher]

This is the first time I''ve seen this thread, but I wanted to throw in my .02 cents--even if it''s probably too late. I''m not so sure about your therapist and her methods. As the daughter of a Marriage and Family Therapist who was previously the president of AAMFT--California Division (and is highly regarded) and someone with a Ph.D. in psychology (although my focus is not clinical), I personally feel there are better ways to work through your situation. At this late date it probably doesn''t matter much, but you could save yourself a lot of money, pain, time, and trouble by going to the right person. If nothing else, try contacting another therapist to see if he/she agrees with your current therapy. Now, I did not read through your other threads so this may be a "last resort" sort of thing, but what you''re doing (according to my understanding from this thread) can actually be harmful to a relationship. I don''t mean to upset you, but I want you to get the best help possible. You should be focused on communicating WITH one another to come to a solution. Individual counseling is good for a couple of sessions, but you truly can''t get quality relationship counseling if you don''t go in together. I also feel the mandated separation is ridiculous; but that''s just me. You should not have had to go through so many trying events without your boyfriend, especially considering he''s the person you want to spend your life with.

I TRULY hope this post comes across as concern, as that is my intention. I hope it all works out for you and that I''m wrong about my interpretation. I hesitated responding because it''s not really proper for me to do so (I shouldn''t knock a colleague without all the information), but I just want things to work out for you and a red flag goes up for me regarding the "advice" of your therapist. Please let me know if you are interested in talking more as we''re practically neighbors and I can recommend some good people

 

[anchor31]

Blueroses - It takes a lot of strength to decide what is best for YOU even if it means saying goodbye... I admire your courage! I''m crossing my fingers and toes for you and hoping that things will work out.

 

[Blenheim]

I was actually just wondering how you''ve been doing and how much time you have left. It''s great that you''re almost there. You''ve been so strong and I''m sure that everything will turn out for the best -- good luck.

And I can''t believe that I missed your post about Matilda. (I just moved and it took a while to get internet.) I''m so sorry about your loss. It sounds like she was a wonderful, loving girl. It must be so rough losing her, but doubly so with the separation. Hugs.

 

[blueroses]

Thanks Cinderella, Anchor, Blenheim and Researcher

And Researcher, I do NOT take offense, don''t worry.

Our therapist is a L.C.S.W who''s been practicing for 20+ years. (Specializes in individual psychotherapy, couple''s & family therapy) And this IS very much a last resort thing. (We''ve been together almost 10 years and at this impasse for 2 1/2.) We tried very hard to find a solution together for a while. We started out doing couple''s therapy TOGETHER with her for a few months before finally doing the separation. Things weren''t changing--growth wasn''t happening for him--the spirit was willing but the flesh was weak

. We were communicating better and enjoying the therapy, but ultimately, nothing substantive was happening: my bf is and has been so "STUCK" that we agreed this was the right thing.

I have likely not explained well the "therapeutic" side of things, but it really has been working for me. After personally seeing a psychiatrist (who was just "ok"), we have both been really happy with our counselor, both individually and in couples'' therapy. If we hadn''t agreed to do the separation, I think we would have gone on as we were--to the detriment of my health and well-being. And I don''t think there''d be even a chance of it working--I would eventually have been too fed up and hurt and left. I don''t think we''d ever have done this a few years ago, but at this rate we either are going forward towards marriage or moving on apart, so under those circumstances, the way that separating allowed both of us to really try out the independance and missing (or not missing) one another was actually really good. (And though it is "mandated," it was also our choice: we didn''t have to do it unless we agreed to it.)

Oh, And I probably haven''t been clear on the timeline--this has been a rough year, but with the one exception of losing our dog Matilda, my bf has been by my side for all the other crap that''s happened--it all came before. (Which in its own way was collectively an impetus for me to need to do something BIG to change things, one way or the other.)

I think remaining in our limbo-rut over the last 12 weeks would have been more damaging to me, entropy-wise. We''re both very comfortable with her--I think the issue is in our relationship (or in my dear bf''s commitmentphobic soul?) and not with the counselor or her methods.

But I DO appreciate your perspective and your concern, and I know you know your stuff. Thanks for caring enough to offer your thoughts.

 

[decodelighted]

*** HUGS ****
About everything! I hope to my very CORE that everything turns out how it should for your best life possible! And that you have all the strength & support you need to work through any number of possible outcomes/paths!!

Jus'' holla!

*** MORE HUGS ****

 

[ladykemma]

just wanted to put in my support. Hubby and I had a rough patch and did exactly what you two are doing.

counselor wanted us in separate rooms while we worked on individual "stuff" and she felt it important to have our physical space, body and spirit self contained while we worked. so we did an "in house" separation for 8 months. we weren''t allowed to touch each other either just waves from across the room. everywhere we went we had to take separate cars too.

it worked and we are happy, healthier and whole. strong marriage now.

either way it goes, you will be OK.

(and i LOVE that you went and bought your own ring. good for you!)

 

[Kaleigh]

Hugs to you!! I admire you and your strength. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you guys and hope it all works out. If it doesn''t I know you will be fine too. Good luck!!! Lisa

 

[fatafelice]

Blueroses, I''m sorry I missed this the other day, because I had also been wondering how things were going for you (see, not narcisistic at all!). I will definitely be thinking about you this weekend. I''d say good luck, but it doesn''t really have to do with luck. So, here''s hoping for the best possible outcome for both of you!

 

[researcher]

Date: 6/14/2006 3:53:32 PM
Author: blueroses
Thanks Cinderella, Anchor, Blenheim and Researcher

And Researcher, I do NOT take offense, don''t worry.


Our therapist is a L.C.S.W who''s been practicing for 20+ years. (Specializes in individual psychotherapy, couple''s & family therapy) And this IS very much a last resort thing. (We''ve been together almost 10 years and at this impasse for 2 1/2.) We tried very hard to find a solution together for a while. We started out doing couple''s therapy TOGETHER with her for a few months before finally doing the separation. Things weren''t changing--growth wasn''t happening for him--the spirit was willing but the flesh was weak

. We were communicating better and enjoying the therapy, but ultimately, nothing substantive was happening: my bf is and has been so ''STUCK'' that we agreed this was the right thing.


I have likely not explained well the ''therapeutic'' side of things, but it really has been working for me. After personally seeing a psychiatrist (who was just ''ok''), we have both been really happy with our counselor, both individually and in couples'' therapy. If we hadn''t agreed to do the separation, I think we would have gone on as we were--to the detriment of my health and well-being. And I don''t think there''d be even a chance of it working--I would eventually have been too fed up and hurt and left. I don''t think we''d ever have done this a few years ago, but at this rate we either are going forward towards marriage or moving on apart, so under those circumstances, the way that separating allowed both of us to really try out the independance and missing (or not missing) one another was actually really good. (And though it is ''mandated,'' it was also our choice: we didn''t have to do it unless we agreed to it.)


Oh, And I probably haven''t been clear on the timeline--this has been a rough year, but with the one exception of losing our dog Matilda, my bf has been by my side for all the other crap that''s happened--it all came before. (Which in its own way was collectively an impetus for me to need to do something BIG to change things, one way or the other.)


I think remaining in our limbo-rut over the last 12 weeks would have been more damaging to me, entropy-wise. We''re both very comfortable with her--I think the issue is in our relationship (or in my dear bf''s commitmentphobic soul?) and not with the counselor or her methods.


But I DO appreciate your perspective and your concern, and I know you know your stuff. Thanks for caring enough to offer your thoughts.

No problem

Usually you only see controlled separation/trial separations recommended by MFTs in marital relationships wherein their is abuse or a couple is too upset to work things out in therapy--situations where it''s either divorce or the separation. But, in these cases the clients are often brought together for couples therapy throughout the separation so they can discuss their feelings and experiences. I guess it just worried me that you were going through so much without being able to speak with your boyfriend. There are things that make you stronger, but in some cases not having a loved ones support at a critical time can be very damaging to a relationship. My point is that I am THRILLED to hear your boyfriend was with you for most of the difficulties, and that he was not left in the dark about Matilda''s passing. Now, you''ve probably guessed that I don''t think highly of most therapists as some of their techniues are, well, not always the best. It''s not that they don''t work, but they can cause additional stress/strain on a relationship. Oh, and the length of time someone''s been practicing doesn''t always mean they''re good. I have friends who graduated in the past couple of years who are MUCH better than some of my dad''s colleagues who''ve been practicing for decades. That being said, if you like your LCSW and both you and your boyfriend feel she''s good that''s great

I just know that, for myself, I would never see someone for couples therapy who is not a member of AAMFT (it may very well be that your LCSW is a member). On a side note, I''m happy to hear you were doing couples therapy with her as well. I think it can be helpful to do the individual therapy for each of you to work on personal issues, but to work on the relationship you need time together.

Blueroses, you seem like a very sweet and loving girl. I REALLY hope this all works out for you--one way or another. Also, I applaud your effort and willingness to seek therapy. It''s a very good sign that both of you are willing to work on your relationship in this way. Good luck with everything and please keep us updated!

 

[blueroses]

Thanks Deco, LadyKemma (great to hear you had success with something kinda similar!), fatafelice, and Lisa....I just got home from a session a few minutes ago and I am very eager to get to Saturday--one way or the other. Either way will mean big changes, and it could be awful and sucky or wonderful and exciting. Either way, at least it will be moving forward vs. standing still.

And thank you, Researcher, for your insight...I agree that # of years practicing isn''t "where it''s at"... but I am grateful that it''s been a good fit for us w/ our therapist (it was a big step for my bf to go and it would have been tough if we''d had to try a few out--I narrowed it to a few and he chose who.) Not sure of her AAMFT status--I remember she''s board certified (from back when we first did research about counselors.)

At any rate, I''m cool with it for us and I am EAGER to see him and talk and see what is going on--and where we might be going from here together or separately

Someone asked before (Mara? MrsSalvo?) about how it''s going to go on Satuday. We''re going to meet up at a state park/beach so that we won''t be on either one''s turf, but still having not too many people around in public. I guess we''ll walk & talk/sit, whatever. We have a tentative appointment together w/ our counselor afterwards, and we''ll just play it by ear. Either way it will probably be helpful to process with her.

CRAZY. READY for the next 2 days to fly!

 

[blueroses]

Oh and Deco, your "jus holla" made me laugh!!

Lady K I didn''t *exactly* go buy my own ring, but with the heirloom stone and getting the setting myself, it kind of worked out that way--definitely satisfied the bling bug a little bit and I DO love it!!


My PS pals are really great--I so appreciate all of the support from everyone. THANKS.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Blue, are you meeting early in the day? I would be eager like mad to meet at the crack of dawn. But then I''m just spastic like that.

Oh girl, I know the anticipation has to be building up right now. I hope like crazy that he has had time to think and work through things and that he''s able to express them to you clearly.

I personally think *so* clearly at the beach. It''s a very healing, healthy environment, in my opinion. What a great setting for this discussion, no matter what the outcome.

And, I really have been wondering if when you two talked when your sweet puppy was so sick, if you picked up on any vibes from him, one way or the other. I know it was a while back, and that maybe he was still coming to terms with things and evaluating things, but the analyzer in me couldn''t *not* ask!

Hoping your two days FLY by, and that the meeting comes SOON on Saturday!!

 

[Mara]

blue..hang in there girl!! you already know that greg and i had our own separation a long time ago, but i do believe that something like a separation will either 'make you or break you' for lack of a better phrase. that time apart showed us alot ... and i think sometimes you can get great results while still continuing the relationship, but the whole separation thing and not seeing them really kind of clarifies things many times. i had the same thing with my ex, i had all these internal feelings of unsurety, doubt, etc and when we 'separated' and i moved out, we said we would still date and see how things went with each other, maybe we'd realize we really did want to be together long term. however that was not what happened and we both went our separate ways and found mates who we were better suited for. so i have been through both the kind of separation that brings you together and shows you that you are meant to be apart as well.

anyway, you have done FABULOUSLY...i am so proud of you and so happy to know that you have come to the realization that if he has not decided he's ready to put up regarding marriage then you will walk. that is a huge step for many people, and if nothing else i know that this separation for you has shown you one very important thing...you WILL be okay. either way, life goes on and you can be happy with or without him. i am such a firm believer of that, yes it's a true blessing to have found your mate and the person you want to spend the rest of your life with but i feel like people should never lose that mental independence they have to feel like they couldn't make it without their mate. i like that phrase i heard somewhere, not sure exactly what it is...but it was something like you are born alone and you will die alone. i guess some people could see that as a 'depressing' way to view things but i dont see it that way...i kind of view it as mental strength, like people can make it alone and hopefully you don't have to (no one should!) but you COULD do it if you needed to!! but i hope the outcome is as fabulous as i know we are all hoping it is for you both...because i know you do want to be together in the end. big hugs to you and i will be sending tons of positive vibes to you this weekend.

 

[blueroses]

More PS warm fuzzies

FIshie, it''s funny--I actually tried not to pick up any vibes one way or the other when we did talk in early May. I mean, it was really great, really US, comfortable, funny, affectionate. We didn''t talk much about our progress, but he did say some things that I could have positively read into. But that was really the initial problem--he''s been saying lovely future things for a while but never acting. So I was trying really hard to be kind of "jury''s still out" about it. But it was, after the initial weirdness, really just good and right and comfy to talk.

We''re meeting in the afternoon--I actually have a brief work thing right before which I am frankly glad about--otherwise I know I''d be clock watching all day and worried. So it will be good to be occupied, and then we meet at 1.


Thanks Miss Mara--I know you''ve been there and your support is awesome, chica. Thanks

 

[HOUMedGal]

BlueRoses, just wanted to chime in and say I''m thinking about you!!! I can''t wait for Saturday to get here for you, so you can potentially move on into the next phase, whatever that phase may be. I *hope* that phase involves you and him and a happy ending (because that''s what you''ve said you''d like)! But I am also glad that you seem to be genuinely OK to saying goodbye if that''s what it has to be. You are such a strong and beautiful person (one of my favorite PSers, I must admit!), and I know that you''ll be just fine, come what may. Keep us updated, and best of luck on Saturday! I''ll be sending happy thoughts your way!

 

[bee*]

Hi blueroses,I''ll be thinking of you on Saturday-I hope that everything goes well. One way or another at least you can move on in your life from Saturday

 

[fountainfairfax]

Just adding my best wishes for you both on Saturday, but especially for you

You''ve got a lot of happy times ahead of you, regardless of Saturday''s outcome. Your self esteem & self respect is wonderful, I could learn a lesson from you, girl!

 

[allycat0303]

Hi Blueroses!

Well I''ve been thinking about you situation, and I have a question to ask (if it''s nosy, just say you''re not comfortable talking about it). When you meet on Saturday, is there going to be a definite answer to getting married? Or is more a meeting to discuss where you guys stand, i.e. if you should continue in the relationship? And is there a possiblity of prolonging this trial seperation? I''m so impatient for you!! I''m imagining the possibility that the

re won''t be a definite answer....I''m rooting for you SO much. Have been since the very begining when I first joined PS.

Saturday is like 48 hours away. So little time left.

Hugs! Either way, don''t forget to let us know

 

[Lorelei]

Best of luck Bluesie - I hope everything turns out the way you want it to

 

[blueroses]

Thank you thank you, gals!

HouMed (such a nice thing to say--thanks, sweets!), bee*, FFF (I said "oy" outloud when I saw what you had written about self-respect/esteem.....from your mouth, er, keyboard! to god''s ears!!), Miss Ally (who started this thread--and for whom I''ve rooted too!!), and Loralei ("Bluesie"....I like that!). THANKS! You PS gals are lovely.

Yep, either way, Saturday is for moving forward, no matter what that means, and I''m frankly scared to bits. But ok. I think.

Ally, I can''t exactly answer....b/c I don''t exactly know! Before the separation we all (the 2 of us and our counselor) talked together about hoped for outcomes, expectations, what would/wouldn''t be acceptable.....and while I don''t know how things are going to play out on Saturday, I am pretty sure how they will NOT. These would all be unacceptable to me: A further "trial separation" to continue figuring things out, staying together as we''ve been to continue "seeing what happens" in some far-off future, just being boyfriend/girlfriend.... So out of that, I don''t really know if that means. Will it mean (if things go that way) that an enagement is imminent/immediate? Before the separation, our therapist asked me if I''d be ok with a "promise" to get engaged at the end of this. At the time I said no--because that''s what so much of this limbo has been for so long; one promise and one deadline after another. NOW.....I guess I''m going to have to see how it plays out and how I feel about how HE feels. But I know what I WON''T do; I''ve compromised enough--there''s not too much grey area.

The stress is definitely getting to me though--I had one of the worst migraines of my life (top 3 anyway) most of Tues. and Weds. and finally had to lie down on narcotic painkillers with frozen peas all over my head! Neurology appt. next week!

Anyhoo, 2 days from now I will know something, one way or the other!

Thanks again and big ((HUGS)) of gratitude for all the kindness and support, both Saturday and leading up to it

 

[fisherofmengirly]

I''ll be thinking of you on Saturday, girl!

 

[anchor31]

It''s tomorrow!! I can''t wait to hear about it...

 

[Mannequin]

Good luck with tomorrow, sweetie. I''ve been reading along the whole time and I wish only the best for you. (((HUGS)))

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Blue~You''re so close! One more day! I know you''ve said you''ll let us all know what happens, but I''m also interested in what happens tomorrow. Is tomorrow just a deadline when the separation ends, or do you have plans to meet, or are you both seeing your therapist? Anyway, good luck and we''re all pulling for you! I only found PS in May so I haven''t gone back and read everything, but from what I''ve heard it sounds like the separation did some good for you as far as building your concrete ideas of what you will and will not tolerate. Put up or shut up...I like it! Anyway, I hope it works out for the best, whether he comes back saying ''I was so stupid I can''t believe I wasn''t ready to marry you'' or you go your separate ways. Whatever you want, we want! Good luck sweetie and we''re pulling for you in Chicago!
~Megan xoxo

 

[sk8rjen]

I''ll be sending you lots and lots of positive thoughts -- I can tell you''ve got your mind made up about what you want and I hope with everything in me you get it! Hurry back with an update....

((hugs))
jen

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Oops...obviously didn''t read the whole thread before posting. I think the park is a great idea...semi-private but totally neutral. We''ll be thinking about you tomorrow!

 

[blueroses]

Continued appreciation and thanks girls--SO much. Fishie, Anchor, Equestrienne, Virginia, IrishAngel & sk8erjen--THANK YOU!


I guess it remains to be seen--w/ what does or doesn''t happen tomorrow--whether I''ll be able to get on PS or not for the update. But I will as soon as I can.

 

[mightyred]

All the best Blueroses. Just hearing you speak I am very proud of you even though I don''t know you. You have already gone through such a difficult time these last few months ....I know that regardless of the outcome, tomorrow is a turning point in your life and either way will be the best for you. Great wishes and cyberhugs.

 

[FireGoddess]

Good luck tomorrow BR, I''ll be thinking about you.

 

[mrssalvo]

Date: 6/16/2006 9:20:31 PM
Author: FireGoddess
Good luck tomorrow BR, I''ll be thinking about you.

me too