Been holding out...

[rhbgirl24]

Oh My.... I''ve followed a lot of your posts and situations and I just cannot believe you would do this to yourself or your children again. If he has cheated on you multiple times - EVERY time you''ve taken him back, why is it going to be different now?

Please take care of yourself and your children. Obviously this is not my decision to make, but I wish you would be smart here.

 

[verypatientlywaiting]

I''m still new here so I wasn''t aware of your relationship history when I originally posted. But after reading everyone''s concerned responses & that link FrekeChild posted, I have to agree with them. Although you seem like you''re a very sweet and wonderful woman, I can''t help but think that you need to be single for a while & work on you. It seems really odd to me that you''ve had 3 engagements within the past year that have all ended in disaster. Like NakedFinger pointed out, you seem to be in love with the thought of being in love like Jennifer Lopez was. I also find it odd that you''re considering this reunion with your ex as a continuation of your relationship and not a new start. This, to me, speaks volumes especially since it was your ex''s idea. It seems like he just wants to forget about all the pain & suffering he put you through & pretend like it never happened...and you agreeing to go along with it, seems really strange as well. I''m not saying that he might revert to his old ways, but by dismissing the past & picking up where you left off is not the way to go. If you''re going to get remarried, you should have a fresh start AFTER the both of you (& your children) go to counseling. If not, this might just turn into another disappointing heartbreak for you & your kids.

 

[verypatientlywaiting]

not sure why that posted twice...

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Please seek family/marital professional counselling.

cheers--Sharon

 

[Lulie]

I doubt WE would bother to comment on this thread, looks like she has made a decision based on desperation.
No one likes to be alone, I'm sure she's a great mom 'but' in this case alone time [without bringing more men into it] might be a good choice to re-connect with reality. Counseling is a must...this children have seen enough. No dress or cake is going to patch the past, if this man gets better and really loves her, HE will be there Ready to re-marry at a later time. I'm not keeping track -and have no plans to- but would hate to see this poster crying her eyeballs out just like she has on several sites not long ago. Very sorry to offend you this way, I beg you take this as a group intervention as none of us have a perfect marriage, that's for sure.

 

[oddoneout]

Date: 4/8/2010 12:39:35 PM
Author: FrekeChild

Date: 4/8/2010 9:14:59 AM

Author: fiery

Is there a reason why everyone is worried about her children?


I agree that the three engagements, three dresses (some that were purchased before an engagement) and three rings all within a year is alarming.


However, I really don''t think anyone should question whether she has her children''s best interest at heart without further details. It''s making her sound like a bad mother which is a terrible accusation to make.

I didn''t want to post this, because it really worries me, but I think that there is cause for concern here. And I''m talking about Wink''s Elf, as well as her children.

Holy Crap. I must''ve forgotten about those posts. WE you shouldn''t go back to your ex. He has hurt you and your family in the past and I''m sad to say he will probably do it again.


Link

 

[oddoneout]

While I have not yet gone back to read previous posts from you, I DO remember various times when you have responded to women who have come to LIW to post about their relationship concerns/issues/fears - many of these women were in relationships that were quite obviously toxic, or abusive, or otherwise bad news. I can clearly remember you advising many of these women to leave the men that they were with, and specifically citing examples from your ex to bolster your position that they should leave their SO's. Think about that for a second - you advised OTHER women to end their relationships based on experiences that YOU had with your own ex. You offered many examples of how badly your ex treated you, how horrifically he betrayed you, and how manipulatively he behaved - in order to make OTHER women see why they should leave THEIR toxic relationships. If you get back with your ex now, and so quickly, then, to me, that's akin to saying that all the (really excellent) advice you've given to these other women in the past, all the times you have said 'my ex was just like this - RUN' - doesn't count anymore.


I believe that relationships can be healed and that love that was once dead can be awoken again and that two people can go on to have a rewarding, fulfilling relationship after a shaky past - but only if at one point, that love was healthy, committed and stable for a significant period of time (many years) before things started to go awry. From the link that Freke posted, it doesn't sound like your relationship with your ex was ever any of those things, for ANY period of time. If your ex is taking steps to change himself and is truly trying his best to be a better husband, father, and man, then that is good news, of course. HOWEVER, you should not consider getting re-married (or really, consider getting engaged again) until AFTER he has completed whatever treatment/therapy he is currently undergoing and has proven to you and to himself that he WILL be a different man and will NOT fall back into his old ways. I know you want to be there for him as a support while he's going through his treatment, but taking him back so quickly is likely to do him more harm than good. It would be very easy for him give up on whatever progress he has made because he already has you back - there would just be very little motivation to continue now that he has achieved his objective (getting back with you). Just please, give you and your ex some time. There really is no rush. You have all the time in the world - please take it for yourself, your kids, AND your ex. The benefits of waiting and taking your time vastly outweigh the benefits/risks of jumping back in and rushing it.


I wish you the very best.[/quote]



I totally agree.

 

[oddoneout]

Date: 4/8/2010 6:31:04 PM
Author: oddoneout

Date: 4/8/2010 12:39:35 PM

Author: FrekeChild

Date: 4/8/2010 9:14:59 AM


Author: fiery


Is there a reason why everyone is worried about her children?



I agree that the three engagements, three dresses (some that were purchased before an engagement) and three rings all within a year is alarming.



However, I really don''t think anyone should question whether she has her children''s best interest at heart without further details. It''s making her sound like a bad mother which is a terrible accusation to make.

I didn''t want to post this, because it really worries me, but I think that there is cause for concern here. And I''m talking about Wink''s Elf, as well as her children.


Holy Crap. I must''ve forgotten about those posts. WE you shouldn''t go back to your ex. He has hurt you and your family in the past and I''m sad to say he will probably do it again.



Link

Sorry that didn''t post correctly.

 

[iota15]

This might be somewhat unpopular - But, now that her children think their mommy and daddy are getting married, and mommy's even committed to marrying daddy on a particular date sometime soon - I can understand why it would be tough for Winks to back away at this point, even though I feel that's probably best.

Playing devil's advocate for a moment here - assuming her blossoming relationship with her ex-husband is on the up, but is still in a fragile state, pulling away from a wedding date that's already been set might collapse whatever's happening between them and will probably only serve to break those children's hearts sooner. If this does not work out and the ex-hubby has not rehabilitated himself, Winks and children will experience it in due course.

Cake and a wedding does NOT a marriage make. Only time will tell whether the ex-hubby and/or Winks' relationship with him has changed at all. At this moment, though strange, Winks and the children's daddy have a chance to perhaps make it work.

Yes, it may be rather hopeful and overly optimistic... and Wink's herself probably knows it could end in disaster and additional confusion for all. Given all the great advice she has given, I know Winks understand this but will probably have to go with her heart anyways or risk not knowing whether at this hopeful time her family can be reunited.

The risk to her and the children: heartbreak (at the (possible) end of the mommy-daddy relationship again if and when that may happen). And as other posters have mentioned, possibly the inability for Winks to truly discover why she feels the needs to be married and why she attempts to connect herself to these emotionally unavailable or unstable men. From Wink's standpoint though, the benefits are clear - the possibility of being with the man she loves and who fathered most of her children.

Counselling would be wise - for all involved, and perhaps deep introspection as to why you want or need this. I hope you take some time to think about this and find out more about yourself. I know nobody, including your children, want to go through a re-divorce.

 

[monarch64]

Iota, I definitely understand what you''re saying. While the remarriage may not be the best thing in the world, it probably is not the worst thing either. We know WE is going to do what she wants to do here, regardless of anyone''s opinion IRL or this forum as she has already mentioned that she''s keeping things quiet I assume because others in her life disapprove. She''s going through with it anyway. All I can hope for is a positive outcome this time, and that the whole family works through the issues together.

 

[Erin]

Can you not plan the wedding for the impending date? I mean, he''s not making the wedding arrangments, you are, right? Can you just let that planning fall to the wayside and concentrate on the relationship? I really want you to work so hard on making him honor his promises. I want him to fight for you, be fiercely loyal, and do whatever it takes to be a good partner, but more importantly a great father. Can you agree that you are going to get married, that''s not changing, but maybe just wait until he proves which man you''re going to get for life?

 

[Winks_Elf]

Date: 4/8/2010 8:34:24 PM
Author: monarch64
All I can hope for is a positive outcome this time, and that the whole family works through the issues together.

And that is exactly what we are doing. We are all going for counseling.

There is a lot I''d like to say but refuse to even bother. This is not about a wedding, fancy things, or being a bride again. This is about correcting a monumental mistake and putting back together our family, which was shattered by alcoholism. When you have children, you can''t "just live together". It doesn''t financially or morally work. Despite being with other people, we didn''t LIVE TOGETHER. So while some of you are "worried about the children", don''t be. The children have always been taken care of and thought of first by me. I would have been on here sooner to reply to this thread, but I was busy with them as they are on spring break this week.

For those who wished us well, thank you. For those who think you know everything about me from my posts, you only know a tiny percentage from what I''ve allowed you to know. There is always a hell of a lot more that goes on in real life. Don''t be too quick to judge me.

 

[sparklyheart]

Date: 4/9/2010 9:29:49 AM
Author: Winks_Elf

Date: 4/8/2010 8:34:24 PM
Author: monarch64
All I can hope for is a positive outcome this time, and that the whole family works through the issues together.

And that is exactly what we are doing. We are all going for counseling.

There is a lot I''d like to say but refuse to even bother. This is not about a wedding, fancy things, or being a bride again. This is about correcting a monumental mistake and putting back together our family, which was shattered by alcoholism. When you have children, you can''t ''just live together''. It doesn''t financially or morally work. Despite being with other people, we didn''t LIVE TOGETHER. So while some of you are ''worried about the children'', don''t be. The children have always been taken care of and thought of first by me. I would have been on here sooner to reply to this thread, but I was busy with them as they are on spring break this week.

For those who wished us well, thank you. For those who think you know everything about me from my posts, you only know a tiny percentage from what I''ve allowed you to know. There is always a hell of a lot more that goes on in real life. Don''t be too quick to judge me.

Winks, I''ve followed your threads and while I agree that it is only a small part of your whole story, you have to understand that those parts are what you chose to share with us.. You can''t get upset when everyone is concerned based on what you chose to tell us. Also, LIVING TOGETHER in a toxic relationship is not the only way to affect children. Regardless of their age, they are smart and know what is going on.. even if they don''t say anything...even if he is not living with you. One of my best friends growing up had parents that divorced and remarried each other several times and each time it WAS exciting..She was getting her family back but when it all fell apart each time, her world fell apart. Regardless of how secretive parents try to be, kids know when they are upset and hurt even if they don''t know why.. They know when daddy leaves because he''s upset.. They notice when parents fight over the phone, fight in the bedroom, etc.. I''m so glad you said you guys ARE working on all of the issues involved in this situation. I REALLY REALLY hope that means your kids are in counseling. Even if they aren''t saying anything now, they are forming beliefs about what a "family" should look like and 3 engagements in a year is not what a family normally looks like which is confusing to them I''m sure. I don''t know you personally or your kids but I have seen so many kids (as have many other people on this forum) who have serious relationship issues later in life because of their parents. I just hope you realize that just because they may say they are so happy about it (which I''m sure they ARE), there are issues breeding deep inside that they are trying to figure out in their little heads.

I also agree with what someone else said previously about how it is odd that you are "continuing" the relationship as if he wants you to forget everything. If you guys are getting over the alcoholism and other issues, why not make a fresh start with a new date? Celebrate your NEW family with a clean slate! Even though he''s the same person, if he has dealt with his issues then he should be like a new man and thus, a new family.

Best of luck, Winks.

 

[monarch64]

Oh Winks. I know it hurts when you want people to be happy for you and they just aren''t. I spent most of my childhood hoping my parents would stay together and most of my teens/twenties hoping they would not. Alcoholism and infidelity were a huge part of my upbringing although I also had a wonderful childhood in many ways. But the back and forth, we''re together now we''re not stuff was hell. I have commitment issues to this day and I''m 32. My parents are miserable and have been together for 41 years this June. None of the issues were ever really resolved. The drinking stopped but the alcoholic behaviors did not and my mother has enabled my father for the most part. He has relationships with other women, she says she''s leaving, she never does. It has always been that way. I''m just worried that you and your ex will not get well together or that he will keep doing the negative stuff and you''ll keep going back. That''s why I''m worried but I''m not telling you this because I''m judging you. I''m just telling you this because I know how it affects children and families firsthand. We all just want you to truly be happy. If this is going to make you truly happy and you think it''s the best decision for your family then I sincerely do hope that you are all able to work it out together. I *think* your oldest kids are still young enough that they will not have written off the marriage yet. I was probably about 14 when I finally got sick of my parents'' b.s. and just started wishing they''d divorce and basically hating both of them. Something to think about.

 

[canuk-gal]

Date: 4/9/2010 9:29:49 AM
Author: Winks_Elf

Date: 4/8/2010 8:34:24 PM
Author: monarch64
All I can hope for is a positive outcome this time, and that the whole family works through the issues together.

Don''t be too quick to judge me.

HI:

Quick to judge? Admittedly I have not read every post you have ever made, nor am I an relationship expert; but during your time here, I think it is safe to say that the vast majority of your posts have surrounded sharing your dysfunctional relationships--former husband and several fiancees. Given that, exactly what sort of opinion could one form? While it is true one only gets a snapshop and that view can tend toward judgements, but it is what you have provided and therefore is the only context one is allowed. It is like complaining about the rain after having created the tempest.

Recovery from alcoholism is a lifelong committment--for everyone, as it is a family disease. Wishing you all success.

Sharon

 

[decodelighted]

How are you explaining this to yourself?

* The alcohol *caused* the cheating? And if he gets clean he WON''T cheat again? Or leave you for your best friend? Or ignore the kids?

Because relapse on all of those accounts is FAR more likely than not. DENIAL ain''t just a river in Egypt. And all of this RUSH RUSH to the alter before either of us changes our minds or shows any negative signs QUICK is seemingly incredibly reckless.

You can Do The Deed before nosy interlopers talk either of you out of it -- but, what then? After the high of getting the man back, getting away with it, "making things right" etc -- then you''re back to the same old drunk cheater who left when your baby was 3 months old. Victory?

You''ve shown you''re no more likely to stay together if you ARE married ... so why rush into it? Why pretend the seperation and cheating and years apart DIDN''T HAPPEN? You are FAKING IT. This is all FAIRY TALE PRETEND LAND. And you are LYING TO YOURSELF AND YOUR KIDS when you talk about "tenth anniversary" etc. If you want to be back together -- tell the truth. To each other and to the kids. And most importantly: TO YOURSELF.

 

[princesss]

Melissa, I truly hope that on top of family counseling, you will look into Al-Anon for yourself and Ala-Teen for your kids to help all of you understand the disease better and get support. There are things about living with an alcoholic (recovering or not) that only other families with that experience can understand. It could especially be helpful for your children to understand their family and what traits they are potentially inheriting.

None of us wants anything but the best for you.

 

[HVVS]

How are you explaining this to yourself?

* The alcohol *caused* the cheating? And if he gets clean he WON'T cheat again? Or leave you for your best friend? Or ignore the kids?

Hey, age changes men. Maybe the dude found the grass wasn't so green on the other side of the fence, the single life is not so much fun at his age, that he's not so hawt anymore, that women don't beat a path to his door nowadays, that eating Stouffer's and paying all that child support maybe *is* worse than being married, that maybe he should have cleaned up his act and stayed married, and so on.

I know one couple here that were married a number of years, raised several nice kids, then the guy had some midlife crisis that caused a divorce. She remarried, but husband #2 died a few years later. And husband #1 decided he'd made a mistake and wanted her back. They remarried, after she put a prenuptual agreement in place. They have stayed married since, and the marriage seems happy.

 

[swimmer]

Date: 4/9/2010 11:41:04 AM
Author: HVVS

Maybe the dude found the grass wasn't so green on the other side of the fence, the single life is not so much fun at his age, that he's not so hawt anymore, that women don't beat a path to his door nowadays, that eating Stouffer's and paying all that child support maybe *is* worse than being married...

Wow, exactly what every woman dreams of, being slightly preferable to discount frozen dinners consumed solo.

Good luck to you Winks and to your daughters, I know what Monnie wrote must have been difficult to read, but she comes from a place of hard earned knowledge.

 

[Camille]

I'm sure Winks has good hopes, her marriage wasn't shattered by alcoholism he was an alcoholic for years if I remember correctly. She is right, we don't know everything about her life, unfortunatelly she posts TOO much of herself everywhere, I've seen her pictures, announcements, kids in every single board she visits, No need to dig, available to all. Did she ever bother asking the kids if they want to be displayed like that? when you doing online dating that's a big NO dear. Sure, it's not about the wedding I honestly think it's about monumental hard$hip. Best of Luck!

 

[Bjedifish]

Wow! How Exciting!!! Congratulations!!!

 

[Girlrocks]

Date: 4/9/2010 9:29:49 AM
Author: Winks_Elf

Date: 4/8/2010 8:34:24 PM
Author: monarch64
All I can hope for is a positive outcome this time, and that the whole family works through the issues together.

And that is exactly what we are doing. We are all going for counseling.

There is a lot I''d like to say but refuse to even bother. This is not about a wedding, fancy things, or being a bride again. This is about correcting a monumental mistake and putting back together our family, which was shattered by alcoholism. When you have children, you can''t ''just live together''. It doesn''t financially or morally work. Despite being with other people, we didn''t LIVE TOGETHER. So while some of you are ''worried about the children'', don''t be. The children have always been taken care of and thought of first by me. I would have been on here sooner to reply to this thread, but I was busy with them as they are on spring break this week.

For those who wished us well, thank you. For those who think you know everything about me from my posts, you only know a tiny percentage from what I''ve allowed you to know. There is always a hell of a lot more that goes on in real life. Don''t be too quick to judge me.

I''m so sorry how this thread has turned out.

I can relate to you...I am also a mom of 4 and (I guess) probably around the same age as you, and I just wanted to say that I wish you and your family the very best. You came on to show your beautiful new ring and this thread has taken on a whole new context. I would never begin to judge your capabalities as a parent based on what else is going on in your personal life, and I think it''s wrong of anyone else to do so. And you are absolutely right...you have only allowed a very tiny portion of your life to be exposed on this forum, as any normal person would do, especially with 4 young children to protect. So what if you b****ed about your ex or talked bad about him, we all do that in the heat of the moment. And I think it was in very poor taste of someone to dig up an old post of yours and post it in this thread.

I would not begin to judge you, your ex, or offer any advice as to whether or not I think this or any other relationship is wrong or right. I don''t know you, don''t know any details, and don''t know the past. I do know that people grow and change and anything in life and love is possible.

You didn''t ask for anyone''s advice, and I think people should keep their opinions to themselves.

Your ring is lovely, and exactly appropriate for this stage in your life. I find myself wearing a 3mm plain band and channel set eternity band daily because it is more practical for my lifestyle nowadays.

Again, good luck to you and your family. I hope that everything turns out exactly as you want it to!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 4/9/2010 11:41:04 AM
Author: HVVS

How are you explaining this to yourself?


* The alcohol *caused* the cheating? And if he gets clean he WON''T cheat again? Or leave you for your best friend? Or ignore the kids?

Hey, age changes men. Maybe the dude found the grass wasn''t so green on the other side of the fence, the single life is not so much fun at his age, that he''s not so hawt anymore, that women don''t beat a path to his door nowadays, that eating Stouffer''s and paying all that child support maybe *is* worse than being married, that maybe he should have cleaned up his act and stayed married, and so on.


I know one couple here that were married a number of years, raised several nice kids, then the guy had some midlife crisis that caused a divorce. She remarried, but husband #2 died a few years later. And husband #1 decided he''d made a mistake and wanted her back. They remarried, after she put a prenuptual agreement in place. They have stayed married since, and the marriage seems happy.

Really? Cause in my world you can''t teach an old cheating, boozing dog new tricks...

 

[Girlrocks]

ETA-double post, sorry.

 

[Girlrocks]

Date: 4/9/2010 12:47:30 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 4/9/2010 11:41:04 AM
Author: HVVS

How are you explaining this to yourself?


* The alcohol *caused* the cheating? And if he gets clean he WON''T cheat again? Or leave you for your best friend? Or ignore the kids?

Hey, age changes men. Maybe the dude found the grass wasn''t so green on the other side of the fence, the single life is not so much fun at his age, that he''s not so hawt anymore, that women don''t beat a path to his door nowadays, that eating Stouffer''s and paying all that child support maybe *is* worse than being married, that maybe he should have cleaned up his act and stayed married, and so on.


I know one couple here that were married a number of years, raised several nice kids, then the guy had some midlife crisis that caused a divorce. She remarried, but husband #2 died a few years later. And husband #1 decided he''d made a mistake and wanted her back. They remarried, after she put a prenuptual agreement in place. They have stayed married since, and the marriage seems happy.

Really? Cause in my world you can''t teach an old cheating, boozing dog new tricks...

Uncalled for.

 

[decodelighted]

Girlrocks,
When you tell a community that your ex-husband is a) a serial cheater and b) an alcoholic ... is it really "uncalled for" to refer to him using the words "cheating" and "boozing"? Its unrealistic to think that people aren't going to remember things. Winks even admitted (in this thread title) that she'd "been holding out" because she realized people here might have the same negative opinions about her decisions & her situation AS THE PEOPLE IN HER REAL LIFE DO.

We can all look at our toes and hum a merry tune and "polite" this to death but, honestly, is that the most helpful thing to do right now? REALLY?

 

[blacksand]

To be honest, the reason I joined this forum was because people post their genuine thoughts and opinions, even if they may be unpopular. I've seen too many other forums where people post insincere congratulations or answer posts that are clearly a cry for help with a ridiculous "oh, I'm sure he's just planning a special surprise for you soon!" when it is obvious the guy is just a loser. I won't comment on the situation at hand. I don't feel that I have enough clout on these forums to do so at this point. But I will say that if everyone is supposed to keep their sincere, well-intended thoughts to themselves and simply smile and congratulate each other, then I'll need to find another forum.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 4/9/2010 1:16:48 PM
Author: decodelighted
Girlrocks,
When you tell a community that your ex-husband is a) a serial cheater and b) an alcoholic ... is it really ''uncalled for'' to refer to him using the words ''cheating'' and ''boozing''? Its unrealistic to think that people aren''t going to remember things. Winks even admitted (in this thread title) that she''d ''been holding out'' because she realized people here might have the same negative opinions about her decisions & her situation AS THE PEOPLE IN HER REAL LIFE DO.

We can all look at our toes and hum a merry tune and ''polite'' this to death but, honestly, is that the most helpful thing to do right now? REALLY?

Well certainly! The ostrich pose (burying head in sand) is what comes to mind when I read Girlrocks'' post. Very healthy! Sunshine and rainbows all around!!!

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 4/9/2010 12:46:17 PM
Author: Girlrocks
I''m so sorry how this thread has turned out.

I can relate to you...I am also a mom of 4 and (I guess) probably around the same age as you, and I just wanted to say that I wish you and your family the very best. You came on to show your beautiful new ring and this thread has taken on a whole new context. I would never begin to judge your capabalities as a parent based on what else is going on in your personal life, and I think it''s wrong of anyone else to do so. And you are absolutely right...you have only allowed a very tiny portion of your life to be exposed on this forum, as any normal person would do, especially with 4 young children to protect. So what if you b****ed about your ex or talked bad about him, we all do that in the heat of the moment. And I think it was in very poor taste of someone to dig up an old post of yours and post it in this thread.

I would not begin to judge you, your ex, or offer any advice as to whether or not I think this or any other relationship is wrong or right. I don''t know you, don''t know any details, and don''t know the past. I do know that people grow and change and anything in life and love is possible.

You didn''t ask for anyone''s advice, and I think people should keep their opinions to themselves.

Your ring is lovely, and exactly appropriate for this stage in your life. I find myself wearing a 3mm plain band and channel set eternity band daily because it is more practical for my lifestyle nowadays.

Again, good luck to you and your family. I hope that everything turns out exactly as you want it to!

Well I''ve done it before, and it''s inevitable that I''m going to do it again.

I am the daughter of a divorce attorney. He went into divorce law because of his miserable divorce where his wife screwed him out of time with his kids and bankrupted him for child support. I have two brothers with various issues. One is in a miserable marriage, and the other has major anger management issues, and these are stemming from ONE divorce.

I do care about Winks Elf. I think she''s a fantastic woman, with a smart head on her shoulders, and I''m just imploring her to take her time and not jump into anything. I don''t want to see her get hurt again, the way she obviously has been, as evidenced by the post that I linked to. I did not intend to hurt her feelings and stir up more drama. Sometimes YOUR OWN WORDS will have more of an effect than anything someone else can say.

I will take my "poor taste" lashing ANY DAY OF THE WEEK IF IT MAKES A PERSON SIT DOWN AND THINK ABOUT WHAT THEY ARE DOING. I don''t like people looking back at their lives and regretting things if there was some possibility that I could help prevent that. Unfortunately, it often doesn''t help, and they do what they want anyway, but I feel better knowing at least I tried.

That was my try.

I wish nothing but the best for Winks Elf and her children. I want nothing but the happiest of lives for them, no matter HOW it happens.

 

[TravelingGal]

I'm not going to comment on the relationship because I don't know your relationship or any of your past history. I would like to comment on the alcoholism however.

My father was an alcoholic most of his life (until he became too sick to drink.) He was abusive emotionally and physically. My mother blamed the alcohol for the most part, and I blamed the man. The answer was probably somewhere in the middle.

I'm quite sure my father loved me and wasn't a horrible person. I've seen him cry maybe twice in my life. Once was a couple of months before he died. I didn't visit him as often as I should because I'm not the best daughter and had a hard time emotionally seeing him so ill. When I came to visit him one day, he was asleep and I sat by his bed. It had been a few weeks since I'd seen him and it was the first time I saw him in the care home that would be the last place he lived.

He opened his eyes and saw me. I think he knew by the time he got there he didn't have much time. He wasn't able to talk very much at that point but tried to say something. I just reached out and held his hand, and saw a tear form and roll down his cheek.

I don't know if he cried more or not, because I cried myself after seeing that and couldn't see much through watery eyes. In that one tear, I could see his regrets and how much he loved me. My heart broke for him and I knew, somewhere in him, there was a good man with a lot of regrets.

But you know what? It doesn't erase the years of pain, hurt, abuse, insecurities, and empty dreams about a healthy family life. In that one moment I forgave him and told him how much I loved him, but my issues still remain. I think I came out of it al relatively unscathed, but for many years I had major commitment issues because of my very unhappy domestic life. Fortunately, I developed a thick skin and a bit of a wacked out sense of humor to cope. But you know it's bad when all your very close friends at your wedding keep exclaiming "I can't believe YOU finally got married!"

My dad's gone now. And although I respect my mom for loving him until the day he died, I still sometimes wonder what kind of person I would have been if my mom had found a different kind of strength and left him.

Please think about your children. They will think and remember their lives with you long after you leave this earth.