Been holding out...

[FrekeChild]

Winks, you are a long time and important member here, and I want nothing but happiness for you, but I remember a lot of things you''ve said about your ex here, and you seem to hold a lot of anger and resentment towards him.

I really really really want the best for you and your babies. I think you''re an amazing woman with a lot to offer, and you''ve been through soooooo much in the time you''ve been on PS, and I know I''m not alone in going through it all with you. Every step of the way.

I really really don''t want to go dig up the old posts, because I know they are out there. But I need to know that you guys are going to go to counseling before or while you''re doing this. I worry for you and your children.

I hope for nothing but the best for you. Seriously. I hope that everything works out for the best.

 

[luckynumber]

oh no! i don''t think i want to know anymore now....

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 4/7/2010 2:13:38 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Winks, you are a long time and important member here, and I want nothing but happiness for you, but I remember a lot of things you've said about your ex here, and you seem to hold a lot of anger and resentment towards him.


I really really really want the best for you and your babies. I think you're an amazing woman with a lot to offer, and you've been through soooooo much in the time you've been on PS, and I know I'm not alone in going through it all with you. Every step of the way.


I really really don't want to go dig up the old posts, because I know they are out there. But I need to know that you guys are going to go to counseling before or while you're doing this. I worry for you and your children.


I hope for nothing but the best for you. Seriously. I hope that everything works out for the best.

Okay, well I definitely don't know the past (and am not going to dig up the posts or even ask for the back story) but I do agree if this is the case (and both Freke and Monarch have been around a long time and I trust their concerns!).....I do hope that you take it slow and do go with counselling (for yourself, him AND the kids in individual and family formats).

And I still wish all of you the best.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

Date: 4/7/2010 2:13:38 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Winks, you are a long time and important member here, and I want nothing but happiness for you, but I remember a lot of things you''ve said about your ex here, and you seem to hold a lot of anger and resentment towards him.


I really really really want the best for you and your babies. I think you''re an amazing woman with a lot to offer, and you''ve been through soooooo much in the time you''ve been on PS, and I know I''m not alone in going through it all with you. Every step of the way.


I really really don''t want to go dig up the old posts, because I know they are out there. But I need to know that you guys are going to go to counseling before or while you''re doing this. I worry for you and your children.


I hope for nothing but the best for you. Seriously. I hope that everything works out for the best.

Huge ditto to this. I hope more than anything that this is the right thing for you. You''ve been through a lot of heartache and I hope that you too go to some counseling before this is all sorted out. Best of luck!

 

[lulu]

WE-

I feel like we''ve been on a rollercoaster ride with you. Three fiances, three dresses and three rings in about a year? I am wondering what the hurry is to remarry. Why not explore the relationship more, or at least wait until he makes the changes you want before embarking on this journey with little kids in tow ( whose hearts can be broken again)?

 

[janinegirly]

Date: 4/7/2010 3:23:14 PM
Author: lulu
WE-

I feel like we''ve been on a rollercoaster ride with you. Three fiances, three dresses and three rings in about a year? I am wondering what the hurry is to remarry. Why not explore the relationship more, or at least wait until he makes the changes you want before embarking on this journey with little kids in tow ( whose hearts can be broken again)?

I''m sorry, I have to ditto this.

I don''t want to rain on the parade, but there seems to be very little time between leaving one relationship and becoming engaged to someone in a new one. Why not take some time off from the relationship wagon, or at least serious ones and focus on yourself&kids and take life day by day a bit? I''m sorry, I''m probably overstepping my boundaries but that is my first reaction. Like others pointed out, it is worrying to hear about the negative history with the ex.

 

[jaylex]

Date: 4/7/2010 11:41:02 AM
Author: Winks_Elf

Date: 4/6/2010 11:51:53 PM
Author: decodelighted
Three engagements in a single year! Are you going for some kind of PS record here? Because I'm pretty sure YOU WIN!

I guess when you know, you know ... your kids must be over the moon to have you guys back together again.


Have you given any thought to what went wrong *last* time and how to prevent it from coming between you again? Obviously there's a lot of love still there. We can all use more tools to keep that love a 'bloomin.


Congrats!

Lol...too funny, and yes they are over the moon.

We both know exactly what went wrong, and we are taking steps to prevent that from happening again. I don't want to discuss it openly but I can tell you that my other half is doing some serious hard work to change things, including taking a month off from work and going through medical programs. It's not easy, but this is what we need to do for ourselves and our family. While the past few years might have been hell, there is a silver lining to that nasty black cloud that had been raining crap down on both of us.

24 years is an awful long time to be in love with someone to just give up on them. I guess I never really did. Secretly, I had always hoped that he would come to his senses. Like I told 'her'...he's like a homing pigeon. He always comes back, even if it takes him a little bit to get it together. This isn't a 'happy ending' or even a 'new beginning' for our family. It is simply a continuation of us. We will not be recognizing a new anniversary date, or celebrating it in the years to come. He actually brought that up, not me. We will be celebrating our original wedding date. Fine by me...we'll be hitting the tenth anniversary in two years...great excuse for new bling!

OMG, WIKS! Congrats!
I am so very happy for you and for your kids.

I think it's truly wonderful that you and your ex-hubby-fiance are working things out and getting remarried.

My parents have been divorced since I was two and I always secretly hoped they would get back together. I can see why they didn't work when I was younger but now i feel like they would be perfect for each other.

Anywho, planning my wedding I find myself thinking about how much "easier" everything would be if my parents had just stayed/gotten back together. It really does make me sad to think about all of the "special" moments they will miss out on by being divorced (being together at our wedding, playing with their future grandchildren together, attending family functions, etc.). I guess I just want to say that I think it's wonderful that you two will be able to give all of that to your children and to each other.

Congratulations!


ETA: I don't know your history with your ex. But I believe that people choose wether they want to fix their relationship and make things work or not. People can change if they want to... and if you and your ex are making the choice to overcome your problems, whatever they may be, I really do hope for the best for you.

 

[HopeDream]

Congratulations!

Your ring looks lovely!

 

[PumpkinPie]

Date: 4/7/2010 3:34:35 PM
Author: janinegirly

Date: 4/7/2010 3:23:14 PM

Author: lulu

WE-


I feel like we''ve been on a rollercoaster ride with you. Three fiances, three dresses and three rings in about a year? I am wondering what the hurry is to remarry. Why not explore the relationship more, or at least wait until he makes the changes you want before embarking on this journey with little kids in tow ( whose hearts can be broken again)?

I''m sorry, I have to ditto this.


I don''t want to rain on the parade, but there seems to be very little time between leaving one relationship and becoming engaged to someone in a new one. Why not take some time off from the relationship wagon, or at least serious ones and focus on yourself&kids and take life day by day a bit? I''m sorry, I''m probably overstepping my boundaries but that is my first reaction. Like others pointed out, it is worrying to hear about the negative history with the ex.

I admit to sharing some of these same concerns. I hope that these posts do not scare you off or offend you

 

[NakedFinger]

Wow I am so glad to see some of the recent posts. I first read this thread right when it was posted, and restrained myself from posting my knee jerk reaction for fear of being accused of being a downer. But now that I see others see it too, I can post my initial thought when I saw this which was "WHAT? Are you serious?"

Sorry for the bluntness, but I have only been on PS for a little over a year and I recall 3 engagements from you. This isnt digging up history but vividly recalling numerous mentions of engagements by you (and I am not critizing broken engagements, two of my friends have one under their belt and I commend the ability to walk away if its not right). My big red flag was the fact that the engagements lasted only a few months, and then you were right on to the next engagement in a matter of months. My first thought was that its some kind of psychological thing. Like girls that "love the idea of love" or something. And just get caught in the "idea" of it all. Kind of like Jennifer Lopez admittedly referred to. You arent actually putting the time into the relationship to make sure its right before accepting a proposal, and you definitely arent putting the time in needed FOR YOU to have to yourself after the breakup, in between relationships. Instead of reflecting on what went wrong, and taking time to heal, you jump into the next relationship, and whats worse, immediately into the prospect of marriage.

This would be a little less harmless if you didnt have kids. But this is obviously all VERY confusing for your kids. I am sure they are thrilled you are back with your ex, but what are they to think with all these changed men? How can they possibly feel comfortable getting close to a man/"father figure" in your life, when there is a strong possibility that he may be gone in a few months. How are they to know you wont break off the engagement with your ex? (not to mention, what do your family/friends think? I would have a hard time taking this seriously)

More times than not, a marriage ended FOR A REASON, and its slim chances they work out the second time around. Not saying it doesnt, I know some that have, and I wish you all the luck in the world, and WANT things to work out for you. But you JUST ended your last engagement. Take time to focus on YOU and let you ex work out the issues he needs to as well. There is no need to jump right into marriage, take some time to nurture things and make sure its right before jumping into it. I dont see what the rush is.

Again not trying to be harsh. I am just telling you the same thing I would tell my friend, sister, colleague or mother. You seem like a doll and I want you to be happy, just take some time for you before moving forward.

 

[monkeyprincess]

I too am new here but am vaguely familiar with your history from your posts. You are older and more experienced than I am, so take my advice for what it is worth, but I really think you need to stop and think about the year you have had. Why is there such a push to become engaged so quickly. When is the last time you were single. Are you afraid to be single? What would be wrong with being friends with your ex-husband for awhile, formally dating, and deciding if this is really meant to be. I say this only for the sake of your children. I can''t even imagine how confused they must be.

 

[misskitty]

Winks_Elf, your ring is lovely, and I wish you all the best.

 

[loriken214]

Date: 4/7/2010 3:23:14 PM
Author: lulu
WE-

I feel like we''ve been on a rollercoaster ride with you. Three fiances, three dresses and three rings in about a year? I am wondering what the hurry is to remarry. Why not explore the relationship more, or at least wait until he makes the changes you want before embarking on this journey with little kids in tow ( whose hearts can be broken again)?

My thoughts exactly! I hope you are able to take some time for YOU and your children. Your Ex brings a lot of issues from the past and I''m worried for you and the kids.....seriously!

Melissa, this is meant in a positive light...we care about YOU!

Lori

 

[fieryred33143]

Is there a reason why everyone is worried about her children?

I agree that the three engagements, three dresses (some that were purchased before an engagement) and three rings all within a year is alarming.

However, I really don''t think anyone should question whether she has her children''s best interest at heart without further details. It''s making her sound like a bad mother which is a terrible accusation to make.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 4/8/2010 9:14:59 AM
Author: fiery
Is there a reason why everyone is worried about her children?

I agree that the three engagements, three dresses (some that were purchased before an engagement) and three rings all within a year is alarming.

However, I really don''t think anyone should question whether she has her children''s best interest at heart without further details. It''s making her sound like a bad mother which is a terrible accusation to make.

Having men come in and out of children''s lives can be harmful. Its hard for them to get attached and have them leave. It causes relationship issues later in life.

(Just answering the question - in no way suggesting WE is a bad mom!)

 

[monarch64]

Date: 4/8/2010 9:14:59 AM
Author: fiery
Is there a reason why everyone is worried about her children?

I agree that the three engagements, three dresses (some that were purchased before an engagement) and three rings all within a year is alarming.

However, I really don''t think anyone should question whether she has her children''s best interest at heart without further details. It''s making her sound like a bad mother which is a terrible accusation to make.

Fiery, with respect, I don''t think anyone is saying WE is a bad mom. She continually makes it clear in her posts how much she adores her children and it is easy to see they are loved and cared for very well.

My concern is that regarding the history with the ex-husband there was a lot of back & forth even then (if you care to read some of her older posts you will have a better understanding of why there is a major concern for our lovely WE here) and these children have been through a lot. I encouraged (in my previous post in this thread) WE to get the entire family (obviously not the baby) into counseling. If WE''s decision is to go ahead and get remarried then so be it, I''m not suggesting she should or should not do so. I am saying that I think it would be a really good idea to make sure the entire family is getting well together.

 

[monkeyprincess]

Fiery, don''t you think it is quite confusing for young children to have their mother be engaged to be married to three different men in one year? It sounds like they had been involved in the wedding planning and attached to each of the men, only to have them ripped out of their lives. I think it would very confusing and possibly impact their views on marriage and commitment in the future. I have no doubt WE loves her children and does not intend to harm them, but as a mother, her decisions most certainly affect her children. While it sounds wonderful in theory to have the family reunited, it sounds like WE had concerns about her ex-husband/fiance''s behavior in the past.

I am not trying to judge you WE. I just really hope you think long and hard about rushing into another engagement or marriage.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 4/8/2010 9:14:59 AM
Author: fiery
Is there a reason why everyone is worried about her children?

I agree that the three engagements, three dresses (some that were purchased before an engagement) and three rings all within a year is alarming.

However, I really don''t think anyone should question whether she has her children''s best interest at heart without further details. It''s making her sound like a bad mother which is a terrible accusation to make.

I didn''t want to post this, because it really worries me, but I think that there is cause for concern here. And I''m talking about Wink''s Elf, as well as her children.

Link

 

[winelover23]

Date: 4/8/2010 9:20:18 AM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 4/8/2010 9:14:59 AM
Author: fiery
Is there a reason why everyone is worried about her children?

I agree that the three engagements, three dresses (some that were purchased before an engagement) and three rings all within a year is alarming.

However, I really don''t think anyone should question whether she has her children''s best interest at heart without further details. It''s making her sound like a bad mother which is a terrible accusation to make.

Having men come in and out of children''s lives can be harmful. Its hard for them to get attached and have them leave. It causes relationship issues later in life.

(Just answering the question - in no way suggesting WE is a bad mom!)

Totally agree w/ Elle here. As someone who was a single Mom in the dating scene I didn''t even introduce my now FI to my daughter (she was 2) for almost 3 months after we started dating. Even then we met in a neutral location (the park) and kept it very casual. I think we''d been dating for almost 6 months before he even stayed the night when she was there. Otherwise we kept our realtionship to the weekends she was w/ her Dad. Her Dad (my ex) on the other hand has dated a few girls in the past couple of years and immediately introduced them to my daughter (against my wishes) and it ABSOLUTELY caused confusion for her.

That being said I am the product of 3 divorces not including my own and I will say I feel like I''m more well adjusted and can handle emotional stress better than most. I think as long as you create a loving, safe environment w/ an open forum for communication for your kids they''ll adjust to whatever comes their way. I just hope this is the case for WE''s children but I''m not in a position to speculate on that.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I didn''t know the details about your history with the Exes until just recently WE and I''m really concerned with you. You should go back and read those posts. The pain and anguish is so clear in your writing. But your strength is there too. Don''t go back to this man who essentially crapped on your marriage, your family and your kids. You deserve better than that.

I wish you all the best in the world and I''m concerned about how this will affect your family (as in you and your kids) in the long run.

 

[junebug17]

WE, you really can''t fault anyone for remembering your previous posts. I think a good part of the issue is that you wish you could forget them because they serve as proof that maybe you are rushing things. You come across as a nice person and a good mother, but I''m just basing my comments on your posts about previous relationships. And honestly, it probably wouldn''t be a bad idea to take your time this time around. You''re heading back into a relationship with a complicated and troubled history, and it''s not only you, you''re bringing your kids along as well. I just don''t understand this tendency to rush things.

In the end, obviously you know the situation best and will do what you feel is right. But if you''re going to post on a public forum, you will get opinions, some of which you won''t like. I felt compelled to offer mine, again based on your previous comments. I wish you nothing but happiness, and I truly hope you find it.

 

[janinegirly]

Freke, I think it's important to post (I actually never saw it).

I don't think anyone wants to pile on, but it's hard to ignore such glaring red flags and just talk about rings.

Fiery: I agree, it's not our position to say anyone is not being a good mother----I dont' think anyone here is going there. But common sense says going through engagements, courting (dating and all that entails), plus drama kind of takes the focus away from kids-and in this case there were 3 back to back? And this is without including the history with the ex.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 4/8/2010 12:39:35 PM
Author: FrekeChild

Date: 4/8/2010 9:14:59 AM
Author: fiery
Is there a reason why everyone is worried about her children?

I agree that the three engagements, three dresses (some that were purchased before an engagement) and three rings all within a year is alarming.

However, I really don''t think anyone should question whether she has her children''s best interest at heart without further details. It''s making her sound like a bad mother which is a terrible accusation to make.

I didn''t want to post this, because it really worries me, but I think that there is cause for concern here. And I''m talking about Wink''s Elf, as well as her children.

Link

I did not know that history, thanks for posting the background.

 

[Ninna]

I'm new here, but this story isn't. I don't doubt there is love there for one second, unfortunately love is not enough in a marriage, we all know that. Three engagements in one year [proposing to one in the past] screems desperate need to be taken care of

Out of all this thread, two words: 'medical program' scared the heck out of me.....if there is any abuse, that needs to be taken care of first then prove to be clean for a year before you even Start [continue] any family dream. Any good program will advise you to protect the children first then your needs-wants. I understand this post won't change your plans WE, I'm just sharing what my brother had to go through to recoup his wife and 2 children. Please accept my apology in advance, Ninna.

 

[luckynumber]

Don''t do it WE. I''m really scared for you. This man is NO GOOD.

A leapord never changes his spots.

 

[PumpkinPie]

I agree with the latest posts - no one is here to tell WE that she is not a good mother or doesn't have her children's best interests in mind. However, we are all worried both about the intensity of the past year - I remember each of the 3 relationships, along with the proposals, rings, dresses and breakups and I also remember the old posts about her ex-husband - as well as the current decision that's been made.

I suspect that some of us know that sometimes people make mistakes and rush into things that are not best for them. In this case, I do not think that WE isn't a great mother, but I do think that perhaps if she takes a break and some time for introspection, that she may discover that although she had her children's best interests at heart, the decisions she was making may not have been the best choices for her family. This isn't blaming or criticising, but warning her to be cautious.

ETA; edited for tiny mistakes!

 

[blueberrydot]

Winks, I''ve only been on PS for about six months, and while I haven''t delved into your past posts, I did read the post that Freke linked to which I have never seen before and I was absolutely heartsick for you. Before reading that post, my frame of mind was, "Well Wink''s Elf has always seemed to have a good head on her shoulders and she always gives great advice to the girls on here, so while this is a highly unusual situation, I''m sure she knows what she''s doing." After reading that post, I am really frightened for you.

While I have not yet gone back to read previous posts from you, I DO remember various times when you have responded to women who have come to LIW to post about their relationship concerns/issues/fears - many of these women were in relationships that were quite obviously toxic, or abusive, or otherwise bad news. I can clearly remember you advising many of these women to leave the men that they were with, and specifically citing examples from your ex to bolster your position that they should leave their SO''s. Think about that for a second - you advised OTHER women to end their relationships based on experiences that YOU had with your own ex. You offered many examples of how badly your ex treated you, how horrifically he betrayed you, and how manipulatively he behaved - in order to make OTHER women see why they should leave THEIR toxic relationships. If you get back with your ex now, and so quickly, then, to me, that''s akin to saying that all the (really excellent) advice you''ve given to these other women in the past, all the times you have said "my ex was just like this - RUN" - doesn''t count anymore.

I believe that relationships can be healed and that love that was once dead can be awoken again and that two people can go on to have a rewarding, fulfilling relationship after a shaky past - but only if at one point, that love was healthy, committed and stable for a significant period of time (many years) before things started to go awry. From the link that Freke posted, it doesn''t sound like your relationship with your ex was ever any of those things, for ANY period of time. If your ex is taking steps to change himself and is truly trying his best to be a better husband, father, and man, then that is good news, of course. HOWEVER, you should not consider getting re-married (or really, consider getting engaged again) until AFTER he has completed whatever treatment/therapy he is currently undergoing and has proven to you and to himself that he WILL be a different man and will NOT fall back into his old ways. I know you want to be there for him as a support while he''s going through his treatment, but taking him back so quickly is likely to do him more harm than good. It would be very easy for him give up on whatever progress he has made because he already has you back - there would just be very little motivation to continue now that he has achieved his objective (getting back with you). Just please, give you and your ex some time. There really is no rush. You have all the time in the world - please take it for yourself, your kids, AND your ex. The benefits of waiting and taking your time vastly outweigh the benefits/risks of jumping back in and rushing it.

I wish you the very best.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

WE- Please correct us if we''re confusing this "ex" with one of the three or four other exes you''ve talked about in the past.

 

[princesss]

Date: 4/8/2010 1:57:15 PM
Author: Maevie
I agree with the latest posts - no one is here to tell WE that she is not a good mother or doesn''t have her children''s best interests in mind. However, we are all worried both about the intensity of the past year - I remember each of the 3 relationships, along with the proposals, rings, dresses and breakups and I also remember the old posts about her ex-husband - as well as the current decision that''s been made.

And not just the engagements, but the announcements, which were usually made in somebody else''s thread, like you didn''t want to talk about them openly. As if you think by just slipping it in, people won''t notice or keep track. Honey, we care about you and we''re worried. That link Freke posted...well, I think it speaks for itself. We''re worried and we''re scared and we hope that you won''t just shrug off our concerns and run headlong into something that could hurt you.

Take time. Go to counseling, really date each other again for a while. If this is really forever, what''s the rush?

 

[Squirrly]

if your daughter married a man like that would you feel comfortable with her going back to him? if not, well then someone who wouldn''t be good enough for her isn''t be good enough for you either. you are someone''s daughter after all

please be careful, you''ve had an awful lot of heartache for one lifetime already