Been holding out...

[sunseeker101]

Just to weigh in on this again, Winks. My thoughts (as evident in my last post) are that it''s easier to gain a more useful perspective on the whole situation when thinking in terms of correcting the functioning of the entire family as part of the relationship with your man, instead of the other way around. That is to say, even when making the moves towards a steady, trust-filled arrangement with your husband (as others here have outlined: counseling for both, slow development, proof over time, slow re-integration), it will pay off to give all things a positive and negative value in relation to the whole system (i.e. how much things do or can cause upheaval for your children). In times of potentially chaotic developments in feelings and desires specifically referencing the whole before acting will make it easier to navigate and more likely to succeed in the much longer term, I think. Anyway, that''s my last $0.02

 

[Upgradable]

Date: 4/16/2010 9:32:09 PM
Author: Amzizzle
First off, Italia''s post was amazing,ans should seriously be read by everyone.

Secondly, This is going to sound a bit harsh...but Wink (if your still reading) you have given advice to many girls/women on this forum about there relationships and telling them how concerned you are and telling them to ''open their eyes'' about the relationship they are in.

For the sake of yourself and your kids,take your own advice.I also feel by doing this you are negating all the advice you gave to other people,and basically saying everything you said was BS.I''m sorry but how do you expect other people to stand up for themselves and demand respect for themselves if you can''t do it?

I really hope this turns out for the best,but I don''t have high hopes.

+1

 

[Maisie]

I have posted a lot about my personal life on PS. Sometimes its better not to as people have very long memories

My husband and I are divorcing. I love him very much and its not something I wanted. He has asked me to give him another chance. He realises that his behaviour has been terrible and hurtful and that he broke all of his marriage vows. Talk is cheap, I want to see genuine change.

Once the divorce has come through I have agreed to spend time with him, go out on dates etc. He won''t be welcomed back into my home without showing me that he really and truly has changed. I am talking years not weeks or months. My children come first and always will.

I wish WE success and happiness in her marriage.

 

[Upgradable]

apples and organges, maisie. similarity being they both are fruit. differences? you bet!

even though you see similarities between your family situations, you and Winks are very different people and have always presented yourself as such. and you HAVE made the decision to do what is best for your family (#1) and yourself

 

[PumpkinPie]

Date: 4/17/2010 4:00:59 PM
Author: Upgradable
apples and organges, maisie. similarity being they both are fruit. differences? you bet!


even though you see similarities between your family situations, you and Winks are very different people and have always presented yourself as such. and you HAVE made the decision to do what is best for your family (#1) and yourself

I agree.

Maisie you have been an upstanding example of carefully considering a difficult decision and doing what is best for you and your children. Your plan for possible renewal of a relationship with your husband (once he is your ex-husband) is a cautious and reasonable one - it is clear that this is a temporary arrangement that you are willing to walk away from should he fail to follow through.

 

[Maisie]

Hi Uppy

You are 100% correct Maevie! I won''t hesitate to walk away if he doesn''t show true change.

 

[PumpkinPie]

It sounds like you have your eyes completely open this time Maisie - I sincerely wish you all the best of luck and you always have your PS friends to confide it and celebrate/commiserate with

 

[oddoneout]

Date: 4/17/2010 3:50:06 PM
Author: Maisie
I have posted a lot about my personal life on PS. Sometimes its better not to as people have very long memories

My husband and I are divorcing. I love him very much and its not something I wanted. He has asked me to give him another chance. He realises that his behaviour has been terrible and hurtful and that he broke all of his marriage vows. Talk is cheap, I want to see genuine change.


Once the divorce has come through I have agreed to spend time with him, go out on dates etc. He won''t be welcomed back into my home without showing me that he really and truly has changed. I am talking years not weeks or months. My children come first and always will.


I wish WE success and happiness in her marriage.

I just want to say good for you for standing up for yourself and your children.

 

[risingsun]

Maisie~you know what you need to do. No matter how difficult it is, you are making the tough choices and following through on them. I really admire how you are approaching this situation with your soon to be ex. I was once in your situation. My former husband "promised" to change, if I came back to him. I told him that he would have to make sustained changes before I would even consider a reconciliation. That did not suit him and we divorced. I have never regretted it. I am remarried to a wonderful man and my ex has yet another failed marriage to his credit--or should I say debit. He's on his fourth marriage now. As a professional, I can't even count the number of couples/families who have attempted what WE is doing. The success rate is extremely low. I hope, in her case, it will be different. In both my personal and professional experience, the prognosis is guarded.

 

[Maisie]

I hope I didn''t derail Wink''s thread by posting my experiences. I just wanted to show that I have beein in a similar (though not exact) situation myself and wanted her to see how I am dealing with it. I would hope there would be a reconcilliation at some point but if there isn''t I won''t have dragged my children through it all again.

I didn''t come to this decision lightly. There have been times where I was low and thinking of just taking him back. But then I remembered why we split and that there are a lot of issues that need to be addressed. I had a lot of tough love here on PS, sometimes it made me upset or annoyed - but ulitmately I would think it all over and realise that the comments came from a place of care and concern.

I am in a good place now. I have hope for the future too.

 

[susimoo]

Date: 4/18/2010 1:03:04 PM
Author: Maisie
I hope I didn''t derail Wink''s thread by posting my experiences. I just wanted to show that I have beein in a similar (though not exact) situation myself and wanted her to see how I am dealing with it. I would hope there would be a reconcilliation at some point but if there isn''t I won''t have dragged my children through it all again.


I didn''t come to this decision lightly. There have been times where I was low and thinking of just taking him back. But then I remembered why we split and that there are a lot of issues that need to be addressed. I had a lot of tough love here on PS, sometimes it made me upset or annoyed - but ulitmately I would think it all over and realise that the comments came from a place of care and concern.


I am in a good place now. I have hope for the future too.

And I for one am delighted to hear it! Good for you. I hope your story gives Wink''s Elf some hope.

Sending you both much love!!

 

[Hest88]

Maisie, good for you.

I really hope WE makes it this time. I guess I''m a tad skeptical that after all the ups and downs it sounds like the past is being re-written to seem like his issues were *only* due to alcoholism and nothing else. As if once he got sober (thought it sounds like he''s already violating the guidelines of any 12-step program) the cheating and disrespect would magically disappear. I have this feeling that the man who was going to let her house foreclose on her while he was off with her best friend wasn''t doing it solely under the influence of alcohol. Like others, though, I truly hope she comes back in few years to tell us we were wrong.