Are you Pretty?

[princesss]

MP/Skippy -

I know I''m guilty of saying, "I feel sooooo fat," even though I know I''m not. It''s not fishing for compliments, it''s just genuinely sharing what I feel with a friend. Objectively, I know I''m fine (5'' 10" and a size 8/10) but it''s big for me, and if I''m feeling more bloated than normal, I''m pretty miserable.

But I did realize a few years ago (when one of my friends was on the verge of bashing me with a pillow) that compliments ought to just be accepted. I even pulled out my Miss Manners book, and that''s the advice she gave, too! Say thank you sincerely, and if you disagree, keep it to yourself. (Besides, life is fun with compliments. I like them. They feed my little ego monster. Mmmmm....nom nom nom.)

 

[janinegirly]

Date: 5/20/2009 4:52:04 PM
Author: princesss
MP/Skippy -

I know I''m guilty of saying, ''I feel sooooo fat,'' even though I know I''m not. It''s not fishing for compliments, it''s just genuinely sharing what I feel with a friend. Objectively, I know I''m fine (5'' 10'' and a size 8/10) but it''s big for me, and if I''m feeling more bloated than normal, I''m pretty miserable.

But I did realize a few years ago (when one of my friends was on the verge of bashing me with a pillow) that compliments ought to just be accepted. I even pulled out my Miss Manners book, and that''s the advice she gave, too! Say thank you sincerely, and if you disagree, keep it to yourself. (Besides, life is fun with compliments. I like them. They feed my little ego monster. Mmmmm....nom nom nom.)

that last line is hilarious!

i also do not accept compliments easily--I go into self deprecating mode. Compliments on my little girl though..can''t get enough of those! mmm nom nom

 

[bubbly1126]

nope. not at all!

 

[October2008bride]

Date: 5/20/2009 3:45:00 PM
Author: MonkeyPie

Date: 5/19/2009 11:10:46 AM
Author: Skippy123
Okay, I have to say I am glad Butterfly started this thread; it actually ended up giving me insight into some frustration I have with friends and family. I tend to be complimentary but when I do compliment someone, I say it in all sincerity. I won''t give someone a compliment just to give one. Well with my female friends and family I would tell them ''you are so pretty or that outfit is the cutest on you.'' Then I would get something like, ''eh, I don''t feel pretty'' or ''eh, this rag is from Target.'' I would find myself getting frustrated because then I would try and reassure them but at the same time feel a little insulted that they didn''t believe me; I even had a discussion with a friend about this recently. I try hard to say thanks and leave it at that if I don''t believe them but I am also guilty of this at times but I think Ellen hit the nail on the head so maybe that is why we can''t accept a compliment? We are taught to be this way? I don''t know but just reading this thread now makes sense to me; if that makes sense? hehe

I always wonder why women do this. (Maybe men do it, too, but I have yet to hear it!) If someone is complimenting you, why is it so hard to accept the compliment gracefully, even if in your mind you disagree? I always tell my friends how pretty they look, and I try to notice new clothes and comment on them. Sometimes it''s taken well, and sometimes it isn''t, but I get frustrated when they tell me that NO, I''m wrong, they are not cute.

Oh! Or even worse - when they say, ''I''m soooo fat.'' And they weight maybe 100 pounds and are 5''5''. Whyyyy fish for compliments?

I give compliments very freely - you don''t have to beg me for them! I generally have something nice to say about almost everyone. I know I enjoy being told I look nice, so I try to do the same for others.

I agree that when people compliment you, you should just say thank you - no matter how you feel. Sure sometimes when someone compliments me I feel like disagreeing, but you know what? Some days it feels pretty awesome and I don''t want to discourage it!

However, I disagree about the 100 pounder fishing for compliments. Everyone has their own body issues - even someone who is thin in most people''s eyes.

That isn''t to say that I don''t get frustrated when some of my more body-obsessed friends who have NOTHING to complain about won''t stop talking about calories/weight/size/fat/etc. I get frustrated with that generally though - even my mom who is heavier makes me NUTS when she goes on and on about it. Sometimes I just feel like everyone around me obsesses about their body image and food. Sometimes, I just want to EAT ya know? :0)

 

[ladypirate]

Hmm...I don't really think of myself as "pretty" per se, but I don't think I'm ugly either. Just sort of average? I'm not really bothered about it--I wear makeup maybe once or twice a month and if I had my druthers I'd be in jeans and t-shirts 24-7 with the occasional dress up night. I guess I just don't care so much what I look like day to day, or at least not enough to do anything about it.

I do think I'm smart and hilarious, though. And I'd pick brains and a good sense of humor over beauty any day.

K tells me I'm pretty/beautiful a lot, but he could care less if I'm spruced up or not. He actually likes it when I wear my glasses and have my hair in a ponytail. Or anytime I'm in exercise clothes--weirdo.

ETA: And MonkeyPie, Elle and I play on Drak'Thul. We're usually on between 10 PM and 1 AM Eastern if you want to come join us. There's a thread over in LIW with the details.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

DH rarely compliments me.

 

[April20]

I think I''m rather average looking.

DH tells me every day that he thinks I''m beautiful. I have to say, it''s very nice to know that he thinks that daily.

 

[SparklyLibra]

Meh, it depends on the day, and the hairstyle... People tell me that I''m pretty. But I have a very difficult time accepting compliments other than those on an outfit or my home (basically anything I put together myself)

 

[icekid]

I am lucky that my husband does compliment me, tell me that I am beautiful. When he says it, I believe him

(as opposed to my buddies at work

)

 

[Jas12]

I think i am average/cute. I always wished i were more ''womanly'' (curvy, taller, bustier, nicer nose) but overall i am pretty accepting of my looks--even tho i am extremely hard on myself and self critical in general.


Yes, DH tells me i am beautiful several times a day (he is a gushy, gushy man) but i often get annoyed with it (i know, i know i should just be thankful) but i have trouble taking compliments--even from him--so i often reply with "that''s why i keep you around, or did i pay you to say that?"

 

[packrat]

I tell mine I distinctly remember it was a requirement in our wedding vows and I''m almost certain it''s a law in Iowa to tell me I''m pretty.

 

[Gypsy]

Aww, thank you Linda, AG, ChinaCat, Mia, IWPO you are all very kind. I think it's just a matter of perspective for me-- the before and after. I was much thinner, had better skin, teeth... everything before these last few years. And now, I don't put makeup on unless it's with a small mirror that only lets me see one feature at a time because I really do not like looking at myself. I don't take care of myself at all and I know it, and well... the point is. I was being very sincere... I do not think I am pretty. I wasn't fishing for compliments either, though I do appreciate them... but I think that I have some nice features... my eyes and my hair, but that basically I've let the rest go to pot. It is what it is.

Do I think that I can be pretty again? Yes. Have I decided to put the effort into it? No. My bad.

 

[pinkstars]

Yes. I think I''m pretty and I am not ashamed of it!
I''ve never thought I was ugly(just different, because I am.) But it wasn''t until I really talked with other girls my age(when we were 19 & 20) and they could relate to each other about feeling ugly at some point in their lives, and not liking how they look that I just didn''t know what they were talking about. It''s something I can''t completely comprehend because I''ve never felt that way about myself.
I appreciate attributes I have more as I get older and resent them less, but I don''t think I can say I''ve ever hated any of them.
I guess I feel that if you want to be pretty and allow yourself to be, then you are. I think a beautiful smile can go a lot farther than a ton of make up.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 5/20/2009 3:45:00 PM
Author: MonkeyPie

Date: 5/19/2009 11:10:46 AM
Author: Skippy123
Okay, I have to say I am glad Butterfly started this thread; it actually ended up giving me insight into some frustration I have with friends and family. I tend to be complimentary but when I do compliment someone, I say it in all sincerity. I won''t give someone a compliment just to give one. Well with my female friends and family I would tell them ''you are so pretty or that outfit is the cutest on you.'' Then I would get something like, ''eh, I don''t feel pretty'' or ''eh, this rag is from Target.'' I would find myself getting frustrated because then I would try and reassure them but at the same time feel a little insulted that they didn''t believe me; I even had a discussion with a friend about this recently. I try hard to say thanks and leave it at that if I don''t believe them but I am also guilty of this at times but I think Ellen hit the nail on the head so maybe that is why we can''t accept a compliment? We are taught to be this way? I don''t know but just reading this thread now makes sense to me; if that makes sense? hehe

I always wonder why women do this. (Maybe men do it, too, but I have yet to hear it!) If someone is complimenting you, why is it so hard to accept the compliment gracefully, even if in your mind you disagree? I always tell my friends how pretty they look, and I try to notice new clothes and comment on them. Sometimes it''s taken well, and sometimes it isn''t, but I get frustrated when they tell me that NO, I''m wrong, they are not cute.

Oh! Or even worse - when they say, ''I''m soooo fat.'' And they weight maybe 100 pounds and are 5''5''. Whyyyy fish for compliments?

I give compliments very freely - you don''t have to beg me for them! I generally have something nice to say about almost everyone. I know I enjoy being told I look nice, so I try to do the same for others.

I wonder just how much our views might actually come from this..... And I too had all the "bad" things pointed out. I just figured that was "my" mom. lol

I am also guilty of responding with a counter to a compliment. I''m not fishing, it''s just a kneejerk reaction, I guess to get the focus off me, though in the last few years, I''ve tried really hard to just say thank you. Doesn''t always work though.


Something struck me as really curious yesterday. I was writing a check, and the little gal waiting on me commented on how sparkly my diamond was, and asked if I had just had it cleaned. I told her it was the cut more than anything, but it was also clean. THAT really affected me, I was terribly pleased. So I thought about it for a sec, and realized that I had had everything to do with the diamond I was wearing. I had done the homework, and I had picked it out. I''ve thought in the past sometimes when I received a compliment on my looks, that I really didn''t have much to do with it (outside of make-up/hair style). It has seemed at times, to me anyway, that a compliment is almost like I did something special, when it was really just a bunch of genes getting thrown together, and I guess I got lucky. I dunno, just struck me as really interesting!

 

[Ellen]

Date: 5/20/2009 1:26:26 PM
Author: butterfly 17

Date: 5/19/2009 8:13:49 AM
Author: Ellen
I find this thread utterly facinating, for a couple reasons. One, I can''t believe the question was even asked (though that''s not a criticism butterfly!), and two, that there are so many honest answers. I was brought up that one didn''t discuss their looks.

Great thread butterfly!

Ha,ha, I think I was having a Dfire moment.

Don''t really know why I asked, just one of those days I guess, although I am surprised that so many people have answered as honestly as they have.

I don''t know if I am more surprised about the ''I am pretty'' answers than the ''I am not pretty'' answers.

I have to say, that feeling ''pretty'' has more to do with self confidence than anything else. There are so many times I have seen a woman and thought, wow, the way she carries herself, I wish I had that confidence.

I was also always told not to discuss ones looks, and in general in my family, they always talked about what was wrong with you than what was right with you. I grew up knowing all my faults, but not being commended on my attributes and it has had a huge impact on my life.

I try to make sure my kids know they are beautiful inside and out, even though they are not perfect or faultless.

Just don''t make a habit of it!!

I agree, I think confidence does a lot for a woman, definitely.

This thread has been SO interesting, I''m glad you asked!

 

[diamondsrock]

do I think I''m pretty. Nope. But my dh does so that lifts me up sometimes. He doesn''t say it every day but when he does, I know he means it and it means a lot to me. Still, I usually say, oh you''re saying that because you''re my husband, and he gets defensive saying, no, just take the compliment please! We as women have such difficulty taking compliments as others have said.
I have a lot of self-image issues to the point that sometimes I don''t even want to look in the mirror, especially my profile which I absolutely hate. I can think of many things I''d like to fix about myself. This isn''t particularly healthy and I realize that, but I''ve been this way for so long, since childhood really. I can see a flaw and to me it''s huge and obvious, but to others it''s probably not, so sometimes I wonder if I have body dysphoric disorder or something, although I don''t think I would technically classify as that as it''s not that extreme.
I do remember as a child, an aunt telling me how beautiful my cousin was and how much she loved the picture she had sent her, and never telling me I was pretty. Those things kind of stick with you, although by no means was that the basis of my feelings.

 

[janinegirly]

hmm noticing a slight correlation between self-image and complimenting DH''s. This is making me realize how important it is to be reassured about our looks by ones close to us (or at least be made to feel special). Even though it may lose its effect if repeated too often, it seems to overall make many of us feel lifted among all the other day to day ho-hums. It''s not the core of self-esteem by any means (that seems steeped in childhood and societal views), but helps. Wish DH would realize that! Sadly, I think the people who are most self-sufficient (not needy) are the least likely to seek / accept compliments, but might benefit the most from it! in the meantime I''m going to try to remember to compliment my DD daily as she grows older!!!

 

[Lauren8211]

FF tells me all the time how attractive he thinks I am. On a daily basis, certainly.

I appreciate the sentiment, but it doesn''t do crap for my self-esteem, unfortunately.

 

[MonkeyPants]

Like most of you, I have my days when I feel pretty. However unhappiness in my career has led me to become depressed for the past couple of years and the days when I feel pretty have been few and far between since.

But it''ll get better...and when it does, I''ll be HOT!

 

[KristyDarling]

I'm average. You wouldn't pass me on the street and swivel to get another look. On good days when I have pulled out all the stops and done makeup and hair, I look "cute." Must be my shortness and baby face!

It's fine though. In my younger days, I used to feel sad that I wasn't a "pretty girl" like many of my friends (tall, willowy, Midwestern blondes), but you know what -- we all get old and it all goes to sh!t anyway.

I do, however, enjoy getting dolled up and going out with my husband every once in awhile. As long as he thinks I'm cute, it's all good.

(though interestingly, he has NEVER called me beautiful. Not once in 12 years together. He will occasionally call me "pretty" though. I'll take it!)

 

[beau13]

I believe everyone is pretty in their own way..and I don''t base that solely on looks, or outer appearance! Even then, if we are talking just outer appearance, everyone has at least one little thing about them that is considered pretty I''m sure! ( smile, that cute gap in the teeth, the cute turned up nose, hair, dimples, freckles, eyes..that sort of thing)

 

[mela lu]

Beau - Meee tinks you are puuuuurty!

I think I'd classify myself as "cute", which perhaps is pretty to some. Being small in stature often doesn't get classified as "pretty" per se. I'm 5'1" and quite small in frame. People always comment on how petite/compact I am rather than my looks. Funny how your stature can influence how people see you.

I agree though... everyone is pretty in their own way - especially after you get to know them, and see their inner beauty.

 

[beau13]

Date: 5/21/2009 6:13:30 PM
Author: mela lu
Beau - Meee tinks you are puuuuurty!

I think I'd classify myself as 'cute', which perhaps is pretty to some. Being small in stature often doesn't get classified as 'pretty' per se. I'm 5'1' and quite small in frame. People always comment on how petite/compact I am rather than my looks. Funny how your stature can influence how people see you.

I agree though... everyone is pretty in their own way - especially after you get to know them, and see their inner beauty.

Ah shucks Mela Lu..thanks!
You know I think you're more than pretty, you've got the whole package. When I first saw your pic, I immediately thought, what a great smile!! You're so photogenic too!

Then getting to know you a bit, I quickly realized your inner beauty matched your outer beauty..now speaking of that inner beauty..the other little beauty...and thing happening yet? You've been quiet on FB so I was thinking maybe it's time??

 

[Porridge]

I think I''m pretty! Sometimes, when I''m all done up and had a few glasses of wine, I even think what the heck, I look beautiful. I think most of my friends are beautiful but as somebody mentioned early on I think my perception of beautiful has a lot to do with someone''s personality, and I''m lucky to have the most wonderful group of friends. In the world. Ever.

I just don''t think that being pretty or beautiful is all that important. As long as you think you''re pretty and don''t get hung up on your not-so-pretty bits, cos everyone has ''em. I think the vast majority of people I see are pretty.

 

[beau13]

Date: 5/21/2009 8:48:00 PM
Author: Porridge
I think I'm pretty! Sometimes, when I'm all done up and had a few glasses of wine, I even think what the heck, I look beautiful. I think most of my friends are beautiful but as somebody mentioned early on I think my perception of beautiful has a lot to do with someone's personality, and I'm lucky to have the most wonderful group of friends. In the world. Ever.

I just don't think that being pretty or beautiful is all that important. As long as you think you're pretty and don't get hung up on your not-so-pretty bits, cos everyone has 'em. I think the vast majority of people I see are pretty.

Unfortunately to some it is! Society treats attractive people differently. I remember doing a little experiment in University (Psychology program), as well as watching the same experiment done on TV programs, where they sent a beautiful woman out in public, and watched how people treated her. Doors were opened for her,she always made it to the front of the line, people (men) offered to carry her groceries to her car, (I've had a couple strangers offer to pump my gas for me, which I thanked, but refused..lol) In the experiment,they transformed this beautiful woman into a slightly heavier, little less attractive, and sent her back out to watch how the public viewed her and behaved around her. She struggled with grocery bags, and nobody offered to help her with them, she tried opening a door with her hands full, obviously struggling, and nobody helped her. She was treated quite differently. I'm not agreeing or saying it's right, but it does exist. I've seen it all too often. In the workplace (the more attractive yet less qualified individual lands the job) and in everyday life (getting away with parking tickets/speeding tickets, not having to wait in line at nightclubs, or in restaurants, )For the most part, very attractive people receive special treatment...perhaps sad, but true! I know people who admit & agree that their "looks" have helped them get ahead in life! In fact, many people use their attractiveness to get what they want at times.

 

[Erin]

I don't see myself as pretty or cute or beautiful. What I do see myself as is Attractive. I have a lot of fun changing my hairstyle and one of my hobbies (if you can call it that) is putting my outfits together which are always... gosh I don't know - my personal style. A little bit of feminine 1930s mixed with the funky 1970s...

I'm 5'8 and I know people notice me because I feel I'm always polished and I do get doors held open for me

 

[janinegirly]

Date: 5/22/2009 7:27:31 AM
Author: beau13

Date: 5/21/2009 8:48:00 PM
Author: Porridge
I think I''m pretty! Sometimes, when I''m all done up and had a few glasses of wine, I even think what the heck, I look beautiful. I think most of my friends are beautiful but as somebody mentioned early on I think my perception of beautiful has a lot to do with someone''s personality, and I''m lucky to have the most wonderful group of friends. In the world. Ever.

I just don''t think that being pretty or beautiful is all that important. As long as you think you''re pretty and don''t get hung up on your not-so-pretty bits, cos everyone has ''em. I think the vast majority of people I see are pretty.

Unfortunately to some it is! Society treats attractive people differently. I remember doing a little experiment in University (Psychology program), as well as watching the same experiment done on TV programs, where they sent a beautiful woman out in public, and watched how people treated her. Doors were opened for her,she always made it to the front of the line, people (men) offered to carry her groceries to her car, (I''ve had a couple strangers offer to pump my gas for me, which I thanked, but refused..lol) In the experiment,they transformed this beautiful woman into a slightly heavier, little less attractive, and sent her back out to watch how the public viewed her and behaved around her. She struggled with grocery bags, and nobody offered to help her with them, she tried opening a door with her hands full, obviously struggling, and nobody helped her. She was treated quite differently. I''m not agreeing or saying it''s right, but it does exist. I''ve seen it all too often. In the workplace (the more attractive yet less qualified individual lands the job) and in everyday life (getting away with parking tickets/speeding tickets, not having to wait in line at nightclubs, or in restaurants, )For the most part, very attractive people receive special treatment...perhaps sad, but true! I know people who admit & agree that their ''looks'' have helped them get ahead in life! In fact, many people use their attractiveness to get what they want at times.

Our society absolutely rewards people who are more attractive. It also rewards people who are more outgoing/big talkers (not so in other cultures). Just like beau pointed out (like the name

) , this happens in day to day life as well as in the workplace. There is even data to show that taller men are more likely to be successful,etc. Alot of our culture is built around perception. If you are beautiful, the assumption is you must be successful and someone who should be sought after. Life is easier for those .. from childhood on. However, beauty fades and the crash is much tougher to take for those who were given an easier path. This makes me think of the stereotype that beautiful women are more likely to be crazy (I''m talking about sterotypes single bachehlor men give). The idea is that if you''re beautiful you get away with a lot as there is less pressure to adjust /reel in your feelings. You will still get attention and be considered desireable. The less attractive person is more likely to be funny, easy going, have some unique skill etc...because this is how they level the playing field.

Hope I''m not offending anyone, I just find some of these sociological behavioral stuff interesting, even if it can be overgeneralized.

 

[kcoursolle]

I think I''m generally pretty, but not smokin hot LOL. I think this is probably how others perceive me as well.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 5/22/2009 10:11:01 AM
Author: janinegirly
Our society absolutely rewards people who are more attractive. It also rewards people who are more outgoing/big talkers (not so in other cultures). Just like beau pointed out (like the name

) , this happens in day to day life as well as in the workplace. There is even data to show that taller men are more likely to be successful,etc. Alot of our culture is built around perception. If you are beautiful, the assumption is you must be successful and someone who should be sought after. Life is easier for those .. from childhood on. However, beauty fades and the crash is much tougher to take for those who were given an easier path. This makes me think of the stereotype that beautiful women are more likely to be crazy (I''m talking about sterotypes single bachehlor men give). The idea is that if you''re beautiful you get away with a lot as there is less pressure to adjust /reel in your feelings. You will still get attention and be considered desireable. The less attractive person is more likely to be funny, easy going, have some unique skill etc...because this is how they level the playing field.

Hope I''m not offending anyone, I just find some of these sociological behavioral stuff interesting, even if it can be overgeneralized.

Not here.

While I agree in general that attractive people may get some small breaks others might not, my life has been anything but easy, and I imagine other attractive people could say the same thing. "Life" does not care if you''re pretty.

 

[hlmr]

Date: 5/22/2009 4:45:06 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 5/22/2009 10:11:01 AM
Author: janinegirly
Our society absolutely rewards people who are more attractive. It also rewards people who are more outgoing/big talkers (not so in other cultures). Just like beau pointed out (like the name

) , this happens in day to day life as well as in the workplace. There is even data to show that taller men are more likely to be successful,etc. Alot of our culture is built around perception. If you are beautiful, the assumption is you must be successful and someone who should be sought after. Life is easier for those .. from childhood on. However, beauty fades and the crash is much tougher to take for those who were given an easier path. This makes me think of the stereotype that beautiful women are more likely to be crazy (I''m talking about sterotypes single bachehlor men give). The idea is that if you''re beautiful you get away with a lot as there is less pressure to adjust /reel in your feelings. You will still get attention and be considered desireable. The less attractive person is more likely to be funny, easy going, have some unique skill etc...because this is how they level the playing field.

Hope I''m not offending anyone, I just find some of these sociological behavioral stuff interesting, even if it can be overgeneralized.

Not here.

While I agree in general that attractive people may get some small breaks others might not, my life has been anything but easy, and I imagine other attractive people could say the same thing. ''Life'' does not care if you''re pretty.

For sure Ellen. Life is funny that way, you can certainly suffer no matter what you look like! Attractive people may not get the speeding tickets, or may always have the door opened for them

, but when it comes to "life" at it''s most primal......there are absolutely no exceptions.