Advice on DH protocol before newborn arrives

[Sabine]

Yikes, I would not be ok with that either! Just tell him that there''s a good chance your LO will already be here by then anyway, so any travel plans would be wasted!

I had a healthy pregnancy until I was finally diagnosed with gestational diabetes at 36 weeks, and ended up having ds by scheduled c/s at 39 weeks due to growth issues.

 

[Mara]

steph i almost didn't recognize you!

and DITTO what you said. i don't think that women need to put crazy pressure on themselves to feel one way or the other when their baby comes. we went out 2 weeks after birth and it was GREAT. we loved being out alone, because that is how we have been for 10 years of our life so that is what feels 'natural'. the baby, while a welcome joy and oh what a crazy rollercoaster ride, was MOST of what we talked about but it was great to just be alone to enjoy each other and know my fam was taking great care of the baby. i only texted my sis once and they didn't even respond and i didn't worry. i know they would have called if they needed help. kid was a total angel for them, slept the whole 2.5 hours. oh and i had a drink while out and felt fine because in our BF class they had told us what the limits were for drinking while BF.

we also went out the following wkd for a dinner in SF. again enjoyed ourselves immensely. i went and got a pedicure with a friend 1.5 weeks after birth while my hub watched the boy. this does not mean i don't love our baby or take great care of him, when i am at home i am all about the baby...but just because i am now someone's mom doesn't mean MY personality and self has to totally disappear and i can't also take care of myself and my husband.

i think that too many other well-meaning moms give advice that is really black or white, so that if you DO think about leaving the baby or wanting to do something for yourself, you feel guilty. no one should feel guilty about anything regarding being a good parent. everyone makes their own decisions and none of that is wrong.

i had a good friend who told me when i was preggo that i would NEVER want to send the baby to the nursery the first night because i would never trust anyone else with him. i thought privately she was wrong about that (for me). well after we got settled into the room at 5am that morning, i was more than happy for them to take the baby to the nursery for a few hours so i could try to sleep after the labor and be more alert to really appreciate the time i could spend with him the next day. he turned out fine.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 2/23/2010 1:14:50 PM
Author: appletini
In addition to no travel, make sure he doesn''t drink much between now and then. We have friends whose first baby came 3 weeks early and in the middle of the night. The husband had been out drinking and was passed out so she had to have a friend drive her to the hospital.

Mer, you think you''ve got it bad? My SIL had to tell her husband that he couldn''t drink AT ALL for the last few weeks of her pregnancy because she was afraid he''d be impaired when she needed to go to the hospital. It was so pathetic, he is pathetic. This is a guy who cracks a beer every morning in the shower...

 

[meresal]

Date: 2/24/2010 9:38:44 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 2/23/2010 1:14:50 PM
Author: appletini
In addition to no travel, make sure he doesn''t drink much between now and then. We have friends whose first baby came 3 weeks early and in the middle of the night. The husband had been out drinking and was passed out so she had to have a friend drive her to the hospital.

Mer, you think you''ve got it bad? My SIL had to tell her husband that he couldn''t drink AT ALL for the last few weeks of her pregnancy because she was afraid he''d be impaired when she needed to go to the hospital. It was so pathetic, he is pathetic. This is a guy who cracks a beer every morning in the shower...

I definitely don''t have to worry about DH''s drinking. Maximum of maybe 2 nights a week, he will have a beer with dinner, and that is it. Those stories are just

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 2/24/2010 9:59:04 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 2/24/2010 9:38:44 PM

Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 2/23/2010 1:14:50 PM

Author: appletini

In addition to no travel, make sure he doesn''t drink much between now and then. We have friends whose first baby came 3 weeks early and in the middle of the night. The husband had been out drinking and was passed out so she had to have a friend drive her to the hospital.

Mer, you think you''ve got it bad? My SIL had to tell her husband that he couldn''t drink AT ALL for the last few weeks of her pregnancy because she was afraid he''d be impaired when she needed to go to the hospital. It was so pathetic, he is pathetic. This is a guy who cracks a beer every morning in the shower...

I definitely don''t have to worry about DH''s drinking. Maximum of maybe 2 nights a week, he will have a beer with dinner, and that is it. Those stories are just

Oh I know, I wasn''t trying to say that. I was just pointing out his misplaced priorities. Personally I think your DH is doing MUCH better than my BIL on all accounts. My BIL is a 12 year old in a 40 year old''s body.

 

[meresal]

Date: 2/24/2010 10:08:17 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 2/24/2010 9:59:04 PM
Author: meresal

I definitely don't have to worry about DH's drinking. Maximum of maybe 2 nights a week, he will have a beer with dinner, and that is it. Those stories are just

Oh I know, I wasn't trying to say that. I was just pointing out his misplaced priorities. Personally I think your DH is doing MUCH better than my BIL on all accounts. My BIL is a 12 year old in a 40 year old's body.

Hudson, I know you weren't insinuating anything about my DH. Sorry, I didn't make that clear in my post.

DH actaully loves watching Teen Mom (and 16 & Pregnant) with me, because it already makes him feel like he can be a great dad as long as he doesn't act like a 15 yr old and fight with my mom in the delivery room.

lol.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Hahaha maybe I should take that approach with DH. It''s sort of like watching Bridezillas with them and saying-"You think I''m bad? I COULD be like these crazies!!"

 

[meresal]

Date: 2/24/2010 10:42:39 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
Hahaha maybe I should take that approach with DH. It''s sort of like watching Bridezillas with them and saying-''You think I''m bad? I COULD be like these crazies!!''

I like to call that, The "It-Could-ALWAYS-Be-Worse" Approach...

Haha!

 

[jas]

If I were going to ditto anyone, it would be Wink's Elf...I was very much the same way for awhile, although I absolutely understand and applaud those posters who went out on a wonderful evening a few weeks after birthing.

Which of course just goes to show that you never know how you (or DH) will feel once the LO arrives! You may enjoy evening after evening of staying home, or you may enjoy the occasional night out alone or together. DH may go from feeling he'll never have fun again (at least for 18 years) to not wanting to leave the baby at all. You just don't know right now.

Yes, babies change things...they may or may not change your idea of a fun evening. As many others have mentioned, it is good that you are thinking about this.

Honestly, my idea of a fun evening now is a heck of a lot different than it was before the babies came -- as is DHs -- and we still go out occasionally.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I would not have felt comfortble with him being away for more than a day or being more than a few hours easy travel away past 34 weeks. I flew alone accross the country at 32 weeks for job interviews, and it was ok.

 

[Dreamer_D]

*edit* since I read the rest

Silly Dreamer.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 2/22/2010 11:42:08 AM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 2/22/2010 11:35:02 AM
Author: meresal

Date: 2/22/2010 11:24:52 AM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 2/22/2010 11:20:56 AM
Author: meresal
Just an update...

I sent DH an email explaining all of my qualms about him going. He just called me at work and said that he now sees 'why' it was a bad idea. Sometimes he reacts better to things that are written out, as opposed to being spoken.

To be honest, my mom is going to be here for a month after the baby is born, and if the baby happens to come before the party, then I could care less if he goes. It's only one night and my mom will be there to help... but before teh baby arrives is just so much different to me. DH agreed that if the baby has not arrived by then, he will stay at home with me.

I'm honestly pretty surprised that he backed down already. I thought this was going to need a mediator

Thank you again for all of your input. I appreciate the advice!

No meresal, NO. Baby comes early, he does not get to go to the party, even though your mom and you have things under control. Life must change for him too. That means sacrifices. Caretaking does not mean only when it is CONVENIENT. Best not to set that example early, especially since your DH even thought that going to a party at 39 weeks was OK.

I totally get this. However, what about when I want to get away and do something with my friends? I can't keep DH from doing things he likes, because then he will resent me when I want to take a night off.

Life is going to change drastically for both of us, and we definitely understand that... but to us, it doesn't mean that our lives outside of a child have to come to a complete hault. DH has his moments of stupidity, and moments of clarity, but I would be a horrible person if I told him he couldn't do anything now that a baby is here.

C definitely understands sacrifices and has already made many just to prepare for our baby. We are both changing, but I definitely can't take away everything that he likes doing, just because we have a child. I would hate if he did that to me, and I can't do that to him.

Yes, but not in the first couple of weeks, IMHO.

And I can pretty much assure you that your taking a NIGHT off won't happen for awhile.

Big ditto. The trouble is, that even when a couple plans for things to be equal in terms of childcare, the woman does more. So to make it actually equal, you need to set it up so that the husband actually seems to do *more*. Then it might be equal. It is so hard because women feel guilty about asking for anything. But if you set it up early, it continues, and you end up in a really nice position

.

Here is a wake up call... I have a *very* cushy deal with my Dh and his contributions around our house as a father. In complete honesty he is an equal parent with me. BUT, Dh has spent between 1 and 3 days away from me and our son about 6-8 times in the year since he was born, and he has golfed or done other social things for an afternoon or an evening alone at least once a month. I did not have a night off, a day away, or an afternoon out for 10 months, and at 12 months have still not spent a night away. I am fine with this. But in return and to keep is fair, I get to sleep in every morning now that DS sleeps though the night (DH does the 6 am wakeups and morning routine) and will continue to do so until DS is 18 months old. Still, DH owes me for those first 9 months of 24 hour work

I'm a gonna milk it. No pun intended.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

My experience was closer to Jas and WinksElf. I have had a couple of nights out since A was born, but DH hasn't. He finds it harder to leave her than I do. Neither of us could have gone out when she was newborn.

Different parents will feel differently about this, there's no right or wrong. For every person who gives you hassle about leaving a newborn, there will be another who will tell you that you are wrong for not going out as a couple. Well, we didn't want to. We wanted to be at home with our baby. Other people will want and need the time away. Both are right. You can't win, so I wouldn't even try. Do what you feel like doing.

I would have used my IV pole to beat to death anyone who had tried to take my baby to the nursery the night after she was born, other moms will be deeply grateful for the respite and will feel better for it- no one is wrong there either.

On the equal parenting thing, it isn't entirely inevitable that women feel they do more. I never felt like I did more than DH. A was BF, but DH did everything else, so never felt like it was unequal. Plus, she slept in our room for the first 6 months and her crib was on his side of the bed - he got up, passed her to me to feed then settled her again. It wasn't just my responsibility. Again, plenty of my friends told me all about why that was wrong - if I'd been solely responsible for her care, I'm certain that I'd have heard why that was wrong too.

 

[steph72276]

To each their own of course, I''m just saying I personally don''t feel guilty about going on a date night with my husband once a month because it helps our relationship which is a good thing for my kids. But I also don''t feel bad about leaving them with my husband while I exercise because that makes me healthy which is also good for them. I just don''t think it''s healthy to lose yourself completely when you have children.

 

[jas]

Date: 2/25/2010 9:01:40 AM
Author: FL Steph
To each their own of course, I''m just saying I personally don''t feel guilty about going on a date night with my husband once a month because it helps our relationship which is a good thing for my kids. But I also don''t feel bad about leaving them with my husband while I exercise because that makes me healthy which is also good for them. I just don''t think it''s healthy to lose yourself completely when you have children.

Agree 100% -- I think everyone here is, in some way, urging the OP to find the balance that is right for her and DH re: baby. It''s a tough and individual line between giving of yourself to the baby and losing yourself. The point of needing time away, be it an evening, an afternoon, or a few days comes, I think, to every parent in time.

No one should feel defensive about how they''ve figured out this line, of course, and I think this thread is actually being very respectful of the differing view points!

 

[steph72276]

Date: 2/25/2010 9:15:40 AM
Author: jas

Date: 2/25/2010 9:01:40 AM

Author: FL Steph

To each their own of course, I''m just saying I personally don''t feel guilty about going on a date night with my husband once a month because it helps our relationship which is a good thing for my kids. But I also don''t feel bad about leaving them with my husband while I exercise because that makes me healthy which is also good for them. I just don''t think it''s healthy to lose yourself completely when you have children.

Agree 100% -- I think everyone here is, in some way, urging the OP to find the balance that is right for her and DH re: baby. It''s a tough and individual line between giving of yourself to the baby and losing yourself. The point of needing time away, be it an evening, an afternoon, or a few days comes, I think, to every parent in time.


No one should feel defensive about how they''ve figured out this line, of course, and I think this thread is actually being very respectful of the differing view points!

I agree Jas

 

[NovemberBride]

I think some of it may have to do with whether you work or not. I know for me, I work full-time and DD is in daycare 5 days a week from 9-6. Since I don''t see her during the weekdays, I really try to spend every weeknight and weekend with her. If I was home all day with her, I probably wouldn''t think twice about going out to dinner with DH and getting a sitter more often. Not to say that everyone who works feels this way, but I think it''s only natural that it plays into it. I know among my mom friends who work, they are a lot less likely to go out sans baby than my friends who are SAHM.

 

[MustangGal]

Date: 2/25/2010 10:34:32 AM
Author: NovemberBride
I think some of it may have to do with whether you work or not. I know for me, I work full-time and DD is in daycare 5 days a week from 9-6. Since I don''t see her during the weekdays, I really try to spend every weeknight and weekend with her. If I was home all day with her, I probably wouldn''t think twice about going out to dinner with DH and getting a sitter more often. Not to say that everyone who works feels this way, but I think it''s only natural that it plays into it. I know among my mom friends who work, they are a lot less likely to go out sans baby than my friends who are SAHM.

I also work, and feel the same. In the year since Kyle was born, other than my crazy hospital stay 1 week PP, we''ve spent 1 night away from Kyle, and only left him with a sitter or family 4-5 times. I spend so much time away from him at work each day, that I *want* to spend time with him on the weekends. Now if we had family that lived in the same city, it might be different, then he''s be spending time with Grandma and not just passed off to a sitter.