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Advice on DH protocol before newborn arrives

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meresal

meresal

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I am in the middle of an "issue" with DH, and I need some perspective, please.

Given you are pretty healthy and have had a somewhat textbook pregnancy so far, at what point in the pregnancy should DH plan to be around 24/7. (ie, unless work related, not leaving town or traveling)


I'll explain in a little bit, I would just rather get some unbiased responses first.
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I had a very normal pregnancy, no m/s, no pains, didn''t even feel contractions when I was having them.

I would say after 36 weeks he should stay close to home. After 38 weeks, he shouldn''t travel unless absolutely necessary.

DD arrived 38w2d FWIW.
 
I would agree that at 38wks, DH's should avoid travel or being beyond an hour's distance. However there is no reason for him to change his day to day schedule (as in going to work, coming home at night) until you are in early labor since a phone call away should give him plenty of time. The key is spotting the early labor signs though--I ignored them until I was in full labor..but luckily for me it was a Sunday and DH was home anyway. Now of course I'm assuming a phone call away means he can be home relatively quickly. Make sure he has his phones on him at all time and also have a back up plan just in case....
 
My DH continued to travel weekly until 39 weeks, but no farther than a 2 1/2 hour drive.
 
I would say that he should be able to reach you within an hour or so when you are full term (so 37 weeks ish). Going over 40 weeks is actually more common than going early with your first birth, but i would want him close cuz ya never know.
 
Date: 2/22/2010 9:12:59 AM
Author: fiery
I had a very normal pregnancy, no m/s, no pains, didn''t even feel contractions when I was having them.

I would say after 36 weeks he should stay close to home. After 38 weeks, he shouldn''t travel unless absolutely necessary.

DD arrived 38w2d FWIW.
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Ditto.

I''m a little worried about this right now, because DH works about 30 miles away, but we are in the DC area, with some of the worst traffic in the country. So, that means it takes him an hour to get to work in the morning (he leaves at 5:30 am), but it takes more like 2 hours for him to get home when he leaves work at 5:30 pm.

With my first baby we went to the hospital on a Saturday, so he was home, and it wasn''t an issue. Now we''re having our second in a few weeks, and I''m worried that it will be rush hour & it will take him 2 hours to get to me, then it will take us another hour to drop off DS at his godmother''s house & get to the hospital. He thinks it''s no big deal because it took 24 hours to deliver the first baby, but I hear that it can be much, much faster with a second. I am seriously worried about giving birth at home with my 3 year old ... and even worse - no pain meds!
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Date: 2/22/2010 10:07:58 AM
Author: vespergirl

Date: 2/22/2010 9:12:59 AM
Author: fiery
I had a very normal pregnancy, no m/s, no pains, didn''t even feel contractions when I was having them.

I would say after 36 weeks he should stay close to home. After 38 weeks, he shouldn''t travel unless absolutely necessary.

DD arrived 38w2d FWIW.
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Ditto.

I''m a little worried about this right now, because DH works about 30 miles away, but we are in the DC area, with some of the worst traffic in the country. So, that means it takes him an hour to get to work in the morning (he leaves at 5:30 am), but it takes more like 2 hours for him to get home when he leaves work at 5:30 pm.

With my first baby we went to the hospital on a Saturday, so he was home, and it wasn''t an issue. Now we''re having our second in a few weeks, and I''m worried that it will be rush hour & it will take him 2 hours to get to me, then it will take us another hour to drop off DS at his godmother''s house & get to the hospital. He thinks it''s no big deal because it took 24 hours to deliver the first baby, but I hear that it can be much, much faster with a second. I am seriously worried about giving birth at home with my 3 year old ... and even worse - no pain meds!
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vesper - I think you''re right to be a bit more concerned since the 2nd can come faster, but maybe be more alert for early labor signs (that should give you a few hrs heads up, right? And being that it''s the 2nd you''re prob more cued in on those signs), and I would also have a back up plan for in case your DH is not immediatly available when you need him asap (ie maybe the godmother or some other family member).
 
It''s going to depend on your circumstances, but neither of us wanted to be further than about an hour away from each other and from our chosen hospital after about 30 weeks. I went into labour on my due date, but DH had been working from home for about a fortnight before.

His employer is pretty flexible, so I don''t know if that''s an option for many people, plus we were a little over cautious, but I needed to know he was close by. It takes him 40mins to get home from the office, but in rush hour, it can be closer to two hours sometimes. He worked from home two days a week anyway, so it was no biggie.


It wasn''t just about going into labour without him being there, though. We were particularly close when I was pregnant, we really didn''t want to be apart if we could reasonably avoid it. I had blood pressure issues, so I wasn''t working much into my last trimester and I get bored home alone.

(We''re still close, just not so um, obsessive about it now
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) Partly, I think he was over compensating - he worked overseas during my first trimester and felt guilty about it.
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Do what works for you - there is no right or wrong protocol, honestly. Just what you both want and what you in particular feel that you need.

Jen
 
After 36 he should be within a few hours. After 37-38ish he should be VERY close, within an hour. IMO of course.
 
I think a lot depends on your nature. I imagine I’ll be totally anxious from 36 weeks on. If DH travelled for work, I would probably tolerate it for longer but would really give him a hard time about travelling for leisure.
 
PS - I think DH should base his decisions off of YOUR comfort level...if it''s for leisure. If it''s for work, I would *try* to be more flexible.
 
Thanks for your input. I really appreciate it! Seems like 38 is a pretty good limit from your responses.

I honestly would be fine with him going if it was at 38 weeks, which is when DH originally thought it was going to be, but we are now talking about 39 weeks.


DH's college fraternity has a huge boxing match one night every April, back in our college town. They call it "Fight Night". It is about 3-3.5 hours away from where we live now. It is their big fundraiser, and it's just a huge party that lots of alumni go back for.

They are having it on April 22, and my due date is April 29.

I told DH that I am not ok with him being 3 hours away and me at home alone, when I am 39 weeks pregnant. He thinks that I am just trying to keep him from going. I told him that he needed to call his mom and talk to her, since he won't listen to me with a rational ear.

He said that he won't drink, but eventhough he thinks he can do this, I am not that naive. The odds of somthing happening are very slim, I get that, but if something does happen while he is gone, there are way more negative's than positives that I can envision.
 
meresal, a big HELL TO THE NO on DH being 3 hours away and partying one week before your due date. I''m an extremely laid back person and I''m telling you there is no chance that I would be comfortable with that arrangement! You just don''t know when you are going to go into labor and if he''s over 3 hours away and possibly drinking, that is simply not a good combination. Chances are you WON''T go into labor but why risk it?!
 
Does he go with you to your OB appointments? Maybe have your doctor tell him it''s a bad idea, then it won''t just be you saying no. That would be way too close for me to feel comfortable too!
 
Bad DH! Surely he will come to his senses. IMO, it''s entirely possible that you could be home with a newborn at the time when you expected to be 39 weeks pregnant. I doubt he would be okay with leaving you and a newborn home to go to this function.

My guess is that DH is talking to a bunch of guys who are single and/or childless. They probably see no problem with him going when you''re 39 weeks pregnant because they just don''t get it.

I''m sorry you''re in this pinch. I know sometimes I just WISH DH would do the *right thing* in these situations without me having to be a total B. Sometimes he does and sometimes I have to be a total B.
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I see no reason for him to be this selfish. 3 hours is simply too long, especially with your first baby when you have no idea what labor will be like for you. What if you are one of those women that has your baby in an hour from start to finish? Not terribly likely, but there is NO WAY to know that.

Ask him how he will feel if you have the baby and he doesn''t make it in time. The fact that he won''t even listen to you makes me sort of angry for you - his mom shouldn''t have to jump in, he should KNOW this!
 
I''m not pregnant but at my previous job my boss''s wife was pregnant and he stopped traveling about a month before she was due. He called it the "Red Zone" and didn''t go to any of the usual trade shows around the time she was due.

Honestly I think it''s extremely immature and selfish of your husband to think he can still go party 3.5 hours away one week before your due date. It''s growing up time-he''s got a kid on the way. Time to start putting other people first.
 
Date: 2/22/2010 11:15:20 AM
Author: thing2of2
I''m not pregnant but at my previous job my boss''s wife was pregnant and he stopped traveling about a month before she was due. He called it the ''Red Zone'' and didn''t go to any of the usual trade shows around the time she was due.

Honestly I think it''s extremely immature and selfish of your husband to think he can still go party 3.5 hours away one week before your due date. It''s growing up time-he''s got a kid on the way. Time to start putting other people first.
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Ditto.

I''m shocked he''d even try to put up an argument, and then turn it around on you!
 
Not acceptable. Not only did TGuy not travel anywhere by the time I was 38 weeks, he also did not drink any alcohol, even casually because he wanted to make sure that he was 100% in getting me to the hospital.

You can tell your DH that I had a PERFECT pregnancy. Then I got to the hospital for L&D and they checked my blood pressure and thought the machine was broken and brought another one in. I had toxemia, which is a big problem. It came on suddenly, without warning to the degree that my OB thought it was an April Fool''s joke when the nurses called to tell them.

Tell your husband if he goes, it will cause you to stress out, and stress can induce labor. Doesn''t he want the extra week or two of freedom before child?

Honestly, your husband is being absolutely STUPID.
 
Just an update...

I sent DH an email explaining all of my qualms about him going. He just called me at work and said that he now sees "why" it was a bad idea. Sometimes he reacts better to things that are written out, as opposed to being spoken.

To be honest, my mom is going to be here for a month after the baby is born, and if the baby happens to come before the party, then I could care less if he goes. It's only one night and my mom will be there to help... but before teh baby arrives is just so much different to me. DH agreed that if the baby has not arrived by then, he will stay at home with me.

I'm honestly pretty surprised that he backed down already. I thought this was going to need a mediator
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Thank you again for all of your input. I appreciate the advice!

ETA: Yes, DH can be pretty immature when it comes to his college friends. He's getting better. His ex from college never wanted him to do anything that involved partying or drinking, and he has built up this huge wall, and anytime I say anything about not wanting him to go (almost always relevant)... he reverts back to his old ways, and makes it about me trying to "keep him from having fun". He has gotten so much better over the last year, so this actually caught me off guard. Glad it passed though.
 
Let''s just talk about sacrifice here for a minute shall we?

You: morning sickness, bloated, hormonal, extra potty breaks, feel like a walking basketball, stretch marks, pain.

Him: asked to give up one single guy''s night out.

You for the win.
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Date: 2/22/2010 11:08:17 AM
Author: MonkeyPie
I see no reason for him to be this selfish. 3 hours is simply too long, especially with your first baby when you have no idea what labor will be like for you. What if you are one of those women that has your baby in an hour from start to finish? Not terribly likely, but there is NO WAY to know that.

Ask him how he will feel if you have the baby and he doesn''t make it in time. The fact that he won''t even listen to you makes me sort of angry for you - his mom shouldn''t have to jump in, he should KNOW this!
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Well, sure, logical right?

You''ll find that there are a lot things that men *should* know about pregancy, L&D and newborn care. But they often don''t really get it. At all.
 
Date: 2/22/2010 11:20:56 AM
Author: meresal
Just an update...

I sent DH an email explaining all of my qualms about him going. He just called me at work and said that he now sees ''why'' it was a bad idea. Sometimes he reacts better to things that are written out, as opposed to being spoken.

To be honest, my mom is going to be here for a month after the baby is born, and if the baby happens to come before the party, then I could care less if he goes. It''s only one night and my mom will be there to help... but before teh baby arrives is just so much different to me. DH agreed that if the baby has not arrived by then, he will stay at home with me.

I''m honestly pretty surprised that he backed down already. I thought this was going to need a mediator
3.gif


Thank you again for all of your input. I appreciate the advice!
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No meresal, NO. Baby comes early, he does not get to go to the party, even though your mom and you have things under control. Life must change for him too. That means sacrifices. Caretaking does not mean only when it is CONVENIENT. Best not to set that example early, especially since your DH even thought that going to a party at 39 weeks was OK.
 
Date: 2/22/2010 11:22:45 AM
Author: TravelingGal
Date: 2/22/2010 11:08:17 AM

Author: MonkeyPie

I see no reason for him to be this selfish. 3 hours is simply too long, especially with your first baby when you have no idea what labor will be like for you. What if you are one of those women that has your baby in an hour from start to finish? Not terribly likely, but there is NO WAY to know that.

Ask him how he will feel if you have the baby and he doesn't make it in time. The fact that he won't even listen to you makes me sort of angry for you - his mom shouldn't have to jump in, he should KNOW this!
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Well, sure, logical right?

You'll find that there are a lot things that men *should* know about pregancy, L&D and newborn care. But they often don't really get it. At all.
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Lol oh yes - the things I have told my husband that get me the blank, "Huh?" stare astounds me, and I thought I didn't know anything myself! But I was thinking more along the lines of his mom shouldn't have to even be brought in to back her up, he should listen to his wife and believe her, rather than assume she's just being a whiner.

I'm glad he changed his mind, Mere, but even if baby comes early he shouldn't go. Seriously. Baby = lifestyle change, and he is not in college anymore, so it's time to let that part of his life go. Baby is more important.
 
Date: 2/22/2010 11:24:52 AM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 2/22/2010 11:20:56 AM
Author: meresal
Just an update...

I sent DH an email explaining all of my qualms about him going. He just called me at work and said that he now sees ''why'' it was a bad idea. Sometimes he reacts better to things that are written out, as opposed to being spoken.

To be honest, my mom is going to be here for a month after the baby is born, and if the baby happens to come before the party, then I could care less if he goes. It''s only one night and my mom will be there to help... but before teh baby arrives is just so much different to me. DH agreed that if the baby has not arrived by then, he will stay at home with me.

I''m honestly pretty surprised that he backed down already. I thought this was going to need a mediator
3.gif


Thank you again for all of your input. I appreciate the advice!
Click to expand...
No meresal, NO. Baby comes early, he does not get to go to the party, even though your mom and you have things under control. Life must change for him too. That means sacrifices. Caretaking does not mean only when it is CONVENIENT. Best not to set that example early, especially since your DH even thought that going to a party at 39 weeks was OK.
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I totally get this. However, what about when I want to get away and do something with my friends? I can''t keep DH from doing things he likes, because then he will resent me when I want to take a night off.

Life is going to change drastically for both of us, and we definitely understand that... but to us, it doesn''t mean that our lives outside of a child have to come to a complete hault. DH has his moments of stupidity, and moments of clarity, but I would be a horrible person if I told him he couldn''t do anything now that a baby is here.

C definitely understands sacrifices and has already made many just to prepare for our baby. We are both changing, but I definitely can''t take away everything that he likes doing, just because we have a child. I would hate if he did that to me, and I can''t do that to him.
 
Meresal, I had assumed this was a work trip when I read your first post. In that case, I take back what I said. There IS a protocol and this breaks it.
I''m glad he saw sense, but I wonder if you need to speak (or email, if that''s going to work better) about life changes and parenting roles?

Ignore me if this is none of my business, but I''d see this issue as a bit of a red flag, maybe needing a bit of careful communication now rather than later.

Take a look around some of the other baby fora out there to get a feel for what happens where one parent just doesn''t get it.

Jen
 
Glad he backed down. That''s the best way to resolve things, have HIM come to the realization on his own.

Life''s going to change and he better get used to it now rather than try to squeeze in alumni parrties up to the last second! Seriously what was he thinking?
 
I am really surprised that he even THOUGHT this was ok. Fight night is not essential travel for me, so he should definitely be sticking close. Granted the possibility of something happening is slim, I think having your first baby can be a really scary experience and your man should be by your side to help you through it.
 
Date: 2/22/2010 11:35:02 AM
Author: meresal

Date: 2/22/2010 11:24:52 AM
Author: TravelingGal


Date: 2/22/2010 11:20:56 AM
Author: meresal
Just an update...

I sent DH an email explaining all of my qualms about him going. He just called me at work and said that he now sees ''why'' it was a bad idea. Sometimes he reacts better to things that are written out, as opposed to being spoken.

To be honest, my mom is going to be here for a month after the baby is born, and if the baby happens to come before the party, then I could care less if he goes. It''s only one night and my mom will be there to help... but before teh baby arrives is just so much different to me. DH agreed that if the baby has not arrived by then, he will stay at home with me.

I''m honestly pretty surprised that he backed down already. I thought this was going to need a mediator
3.gif


Thank you again for all of your input. I appreciate the advice!
Click to expand...
No meresal, NO. Baby comes early, he does not get to go to the party, even though your mom and you have things under control. Life must change for him too. That means sacrifices. Caretaking does not mean only when it is CONVENIENT. Best not to set that example early, especially since your DH even thought that going to a party at 39 weeks was OK.
Click to expand...
I totally get this. However, what about when I want to get away and do something with my friends? I can''t keep DH from doing things he likes, because then he will resent me when I want to take a night off.

Life is going to change drastically for both of us, and we definitely understand that... but to us, it doesn''t mean that our lives outside of a child have to come to a complete hault. DH has his moments of stupidity, and moments of clarity, but I would be a horrible person if I told him he couldn''t do anything now that a baby is here.

C definitely understands sacrifices and has already made many just to prepare for our baby. We are both changing, but I definitely can''t take away everything that he likes doing, just because we have a child. I would hate if he did that to me, and I can''t do that to him.
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Yes, but not in the first couple of weeks, IMHO.

And I can pretty much assure you that your taking a NIGHT off won''t happen for awhile.
 
Oh my.... sorry you are having an issue Mere, but I would assume somewhere in the 37-38 weeks it would benefit him (and you!) to stay close to home.......

Good luck!

EDITED: oh I completely see why you would be upset about him wanting to go off on this trip. What if the baby comes and he has had a few drinks and cannot make it back! So glad to see that after thinking about it he understood why you would want him near, and why he should be near to you!
 
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