worst day ever

[RoseAngel04]

I missed so much being out of town this weekend...first off I''m so sorry for the pain you''re going through....it is my opinion that this relationship def needs to be terminated. If your FI is abusing you now he will most likely continue to abuse you in the future...it''s not worth it. You have to love yourself and realize that you are more valuable then he is treating you. I would also recommend that you seek some sort of counseling...either through your church or a local psychologist.

*hugs*

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 6/23/2007 3:48:03 PM
Author:DiamondSmitten
So my Fi just kicked me into a dresser and gott kicked out of my parents house where we are staying.... im devastated, in shock really...... I know vows are supposed to be through good times and bad, thru sickness and health.... but i just don''t think they include through bruises and abuse..... i can''t even process everything......I feel like I am in the worst nightmare ever......

No, the vows don''t include putting up with abuse and I''d say its a GOOD thing you haven''t said those vows yet!!!!

 

[snlee]

So much has been said already and I don''t know what else I could add. I just wanted to say I''m sorry you are going through this. I commend you on making the right decision and seeking counseling. Stay strong! We are all rooting for you! Hugs.

 

[hlmr]

I have been following this thread too, and I just wanted to say that I am so glad you are putting YOU first!!

You WILL find another man who will be your partner in every way! Don''t settle for a unpredictable future full of fear, turmoil and angst.

 

[DiamondSmitten]

MY MOTHER JUST WROTE ME THIS EMAIL.... I MEAN SERIOUSLY CAN YOU EVER BELIEVE IT::::

"I have been talking to Adam all day and he really wants to talk with all of us. I told him it was totally in your hands. I told him that he can''t continue to go around behaving like he has. That we understand that it has been difficult for him but that was no excuse for what he did. That we do not hate him. That he needs to get help and make things better with his family. That he needs to talk to you and not keep things bottled up because he is afraid of how you will react. That dad and I do think that you make the problems between you and his parents sound worse than they might actually be. But with that being said that I know in my heart that his mother really does not like you or think you are right for him. That at this point I am not sure that the two of you are right for each other. both of you walk around sad and angry all the time. He said that he has been sad and lost lately but that at the end of the day he was happy to come home to you. I told him that he really needed to do something with his life to make himself happy and that he was in total control of that. That you were not responsible to make him happy at work or home. That sitting looking at a TV and not talking to you was not the way an adult man should be.

I would not jump right back into anything. But I would try and help him get the help he needs. I know you have been lovers but you started out as friends and friends try and help each other. You would do it for anybody else. "


I WANT TO SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAMM

 

[diamondfan]

NOOO!! She is NOT doing that. Well, I think that as much as she thinks she is being even keel and trying to help, she should be backing your decision 100%. HE is not her kid. Yes, she might think he needs help, but HE has to want it and agree it is needed or it will be for nothing. You cannot make someone seek help, it must come from within or there is no positive outcome for the most part. She should be telling him that you are done with the relationship and while she does not hate him, she cannot imagine you wanting to stay with someone who abuses you. I am totally shocked that she is backpeddling at this point, but Diamond, this is not about anyone else, not your mom vacillating, or him suddenly having profound insights (til the next time you piss him off), nor about his mom and her view of you. This is ONLY about you, and you taking care of you, and knowing that this is so not okay. Is this how you want to spend your life? In fear, and praying he won''t erupt or god forbid hurt your kids? No way. Please try to be strong. I know it is easier said than done but please try.

 

[jcrow]

you are NOT in a position to help him. your parents need to know that. you need to help YOURSELF. not him. he needs to deal with HIS OWN mess. it is NOT for you to clean up.

stay strong. find the support YOU need. it may not be from your parents, but so be it.

 

[DMBsGirl]

oh dear, I think your mom means well but this is way more complicated than a situation where you would help a friend. This is a situation that could be very dangerous for you. Domestic violence is a whole other breed of issue, he needs to get help on his own. Right now the first priority is keeping you safe, and that means keeping you away from the batterer. perhaps you could educate your mother on domestic violence, I am afraid she is not seeing this for what it is.

 

[surfgirl]

I''m so pissed just reading that. I really think you need to talk to a therapist AND tell them what your mother said, and then take your parents to the therapist too. Are there any supportive friends you can live with temporarily? People who would 100% support your decision to leave this loser? Because really, your mother isn''t helping right now. You need to tell her straight up that you do not want to hear another word about the dude. He''s over. Kaput. Finished! Stick to your decision. You are doing the RIGHT THING!

 

[tiffanytwisted]

Wow. I just got caught up on this thread.
It sounds like he really managed to manipulate your mom into feeling sorry for him. It is NOT your responsibility to make sure he gets help, or to be there with him when and if he does.
You need to take care of YOU.

 

[Kaleigh]

Typical of a manipulator, trying to get on your mom's soft side. Tell your mom, she really needs to quit thinking about him and focus on YOU. You are doing all the right things. You can't be in charge of him, you have to help yourself. I'm sure she means well, but it's not exactly helpful...
Stay strong, and keep on doing what you're doing. HUGS!!!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 6/25/2007 10:46:53 PM
Author: Kaleigh
Typical of a manipulator, trying to get on your mom''s soft side. Tell your mom, she really needs to quit thinking about him and focus on YOU. You are doing all the right things. You can''t be in charge of him, you have to help yourself. I''m sure she means well, but it''s not exactly helpful...

Stay strong, and keep on doing what you''re doing. HUGS!!!

I agree. He is manipulating her. Stay strong. I am very proud of you!

 

[princesss]

YOU are her child. HE is the jerk that hurt you. This is a very black and white situation. He needs help, but neither you nor your family can or should give it. I agree with the others, he''s trying to manipulate you and your family, and is trying to turn them against you and gain ground. Don''t give it to him. Practice saying, "Mom, he kicked me. I don''t think you should be encouraging me to go anywhere near him right now, nor do I want you to be in contact with him. Please stay out of my romantic life and support me while I leave the person who physically harmed me."

No matter how many of them think you ought to help him, you don''t have to. You shouldn''t. You should focus on exactly one person''s mental wellbeing right now: yours. Ignore anything they have to say about him. You''re making the right choice.

 

[enbcfsobe]

I''m not sure whether you even need to say that much. I would consider picking a time period of at least three months, and telling your mother that you''ve decided that you need to, at the very least, live your life separately from him and everything having to do with him for that period. Ask her to respect your decision to do so by not communicating with him during that period, otherwise she becomes something connected to him from which you will need to separate yourself. I agree that this isn''t a question of her ''butting in'' but rather one of her falling for his manipulations. You don''t have to make it about her, though -- it can just be about you and your decision. That way you don''t have to try to explain ''never'' to her right now -- you can just say that while you hope he does get help, you need some time to yourself before you decide if you even want to be involved to the extent of trying to help him get it.
I think many of us could tell you that few guys are willing to own up to their weaknesses, wrongs, or mistakes enough to seek the kind of serious help that is needed to change abusive or addictive behaviors. Maybe you could also point out to her that the fact that you would "do this for anyone" might be part of the underlying problem.

 

[decodelighted]

This is going to sound harsh ... but your mother is W-E-A-K. She clearly doesn''t understand how serious this is, or how much worse it would become. You''ll have to be strong despite her. Later she''ll realize how right you are. (Maybe it''s the generation gap -- women as "fixers" is deeply engrained)

I think this is even more evidence of his MANIPULATIVE nature, and his ability to fool even smart people.

You really need another figure for guidence -- that''s why finding a counselor is URGENT. I believe that one would tell you that "helping him" is no longer your responsibility. It''s HIS responsiblity. And he''ll never get better "for" someone else. It''s just not the way it works. Obviously your mother doesn''t realize this. People who haven''t been through it sometimes don''t ... which is why, unfortunately, your parents aren''t able to help the way you WISH they would. The way you KNOW they should.

You *have* tried to help him -- for seven years --- it hasn''t worked and the thanks you got was VIOLENCE. No. More. Helping.

You are not his mother, you''re not his priest, you''re not his nanny, you''re not his conscious. He will survive without any further input from you. As flattering as it is to think you could "save him" ... you know that you can''t. And, even if you could, it would not be worth the risk to YOU, YOUR LIFE, YOUR HEALTH, YOUR WELL-BEING. How dare she place his life before yours in value.

Keep your eyes on the prize -- a relationship where you''re totally safe & not dragging your partner along into life. And find a clinical source of support ASAP!!!!!!!!!!

 

[iheartscience]

That''s pretty telling that he''s managed to manipulate your mother into manipulating you. I would tell your mother not to speak to him or relay any messages from him. EVER. HE KICKED YOU INTO A TV! Also, call an abuse hotline immediately if you haven''t already and have them help you find a therapist immediately. Stay strong and keep us posted.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 6/25/2007 11:23:50 PM
Author: decodelighted
This is going to sound harsh ... but your mother is W-E-A-K. She clearly doesn''t understand how serious this is, or how much worse it would become. You''ll have to be strong despite her. Later she''ll realize how right you are. (Maybe it''s the generation gap -- women as ''fixers'' is deeply engrained)


I think this is even more evidence of his MANIPULATIVE nature, and his ability to fool even smart people.


You really need another figure for guidence -- that''s why finding a counselor is URGENT. I believe that one would tell you that ''helping him'' is no longer your responsibility. It''s HIS responsiblity. And he''ll never get better ''for'' someone else. It''s just not the way it works. Obviously your mother doesn''t realize this. People who haven''t been through it sometimes don''t ... which is why, unfortunately, your parents aren''t able to help the way you WISH they would. The way you KNOW they should.


You *have* tried to help him -- for seven years --- it hasn''t worked and the thanks you got was VIOLENCE. No. More. Helping.


You are not his mother, you''re not his priest, you''re not his nanny, you''re not his conscious. He will survive without any further input from you. As flattering as it is to think you could ''save him'' ... you know that you can''t. And, even if you could, it would not be worth the risk to YOU, YOUR LIFE, YOUR HEALTH, YOUR WELL-BEING. How dare she place his life before yours in value.

Keep your eyes on the prize -- a relationship where you''re totally safe & not dragging your partner along into life. And find a clinical source of support ASAP!!!!!!!!!!

VERY VERY well said Deco.

 

[door knob solitaire]

I think JCROW wrote a great post...

I would like to add...maybe making certain subjects off limits. As soon as it is brought up...you reply with "We aren''t discussing that subject" walk away if you have to. But take control. They will soon learn you mean business.

Stay strong sweetie...you are as you have the ability to recognize your allies. And those who aren''t.

DKS

 

[oshinbreez]

Date: 6/25/2007 10:18:39 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
MY MOTHER JUST WROTE ME THIS EMAIL.... I MEAN SERIOUSLY CAN YOU EVER BELIEVE IT::::


''I have been talking to Adam all day and he really wants to talk with all of us. I told him it was totally in your hands. I told him that he can''t continue to go around behaving like he has. That we understand that it has been difficult for him but that was no excuse for what he did. That we do not hate him. That he needs to get help and make things better with his family. That he needs to talk to you and not keep things bottled up because he is afraid of how you will react. That dad and I do think that you make the problems between you and his parents sound worse than they might actually be. But with that being said that I know in my heart that his mother really does not like you or think you are right for him. That at this point I am not sure that the two of you are right for each other. both of you walk around sad and angry all the time. He said that he has been sad and lost lately but that at the end of the day he was happy to come home to you. I told him that he really needed to do something with his life to make himself happy and that he was in total control of that. That you were not responsible to make him happy at work or home. That sitting looking at a TV and not talking to you was not the way an adult man should be.



I would not jump right back into anything. But I would try and help him get the help he needs. I know you have been lovers but you started out as friends and friends try and help each other. You would do it for anybody else. ''



I WANT TO SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAMM

NO!!!!! You DON''T want to try to help him. That''s the WORST thing you can do. Your mom''s last 3 sentences are BAD advice. Adam needs to get the help he needs by himself. IF you helped him, he would be able to make himself out to be a victim.....and how much YOU need to help HIM. "I just can''t control my anger....poor poor pitiful me". You started out as friends.....well, don''t all relationships start as friends? If just a friend had done the same thing to you, would you still be their friend? I doubt it. And as far as you''d do it for anyone else. Yeah, you''d help someone that needed help....but NOT the person that abused you.

I continue to pray for you.

 

[Finding_Neverland]

I dealt with abuse victims in the past. We'd give them safe haven. Food to eat. Make arrangements to send them someplace safe. NEVER gave them money. Handed their the bus ticket, train or plane ticket to "Officials" in charge. Always tried to find a direct route where ever they were going. It never ceased to amaze me how they'd find a way to escape to get back to their man. The guy who had only hours to days earlier had tried to maime or kill them.

I told Hubby when we first got married he'd better never lay a finger on me and lay down to sleep where I could find him. I guaranteed he would not wake up.

After knowing so many women who've gone thru this, manipulating your Mom is just a step to get back into your good graces. You are his victim. You fuel his ego and power as a man. When the next flare up occurs, it could be even worse for you. And each time, he'll come back, promising it will never happen again.

You deserve better than this. Ditch him now while you can. Get counseling to heal your wounds. And move on. THE right man is out there for you somewhere. You just haven't met him yet.

 

[diamondfan]

I hate to say this but guys like this do not spontaneously get better.

I had a very abusive boyfriend in senior year of high school and first year of college. He was physically and emotionally abusive to me. He was 6 foot 3 and once when I made him mad (by wanting to leave and end the craziness) he literally picked me up over his head (so 7 feet or so off the ground) and threw me on the cement patio. He also punched my windshield and broke it because he THOUGHT I LOOKED AT ANOTHER GUY AT A PARTY. He was obsessed, would sit in front of my house and wait for me (and confront whoever I was with with, threatening them with violence)...he would call endless times or go to my best friend's house and scream and yell and pound on her door and tell her he knew I was in there and he was breaking down the door...He stalked me, though we did not use the term then. He thought I cheated on him with an old boyfriend so he told me HE cheated on me, to get me to "confess" and refused to believe the guy and I were only friends. Whenever he hurt me it was always my fault, I made him jealous or I hurt him or I did not love him enough. I always got the sob stories about how his mother never loved him (she had gotten pregnant from an affair with a married man, of course he never left the wife and she gave up her career to raise my boyfriend). She tried to split us up because she knew how wrong this was, what his temper was like and how destructive the relationship was, but he would cry to me, be angry that she was controlling his life and would make me feel I had to stay, he threatened to hurt himself if I left. I finally got away and I swear he called me for at least a couple of years after. The movie Star 80, about the murder of Dorothy Stratten came out while we were dating (1983 -1984 or so was when we dated, it was about 18 months total) and ALL of my friends who saw it told me RUN from him because the hubby, played by Eric Roberts, totally reminded them of my boyfriend Loren and they were petrified he would hurt me. I felt guilt at his life issues, felt responsible for causing him pain and felt like I wanted to help him, to "fix" what was wrong. He knew that and played upon that. He would abusive me verbally for coming from a wealthy family and for caring about material things, though he knew I was not defined by money, he knew it would make me feel like I had to prove him wrong. (one of our biggest arguments was that my mom looked down on him because he did not have or come from money. His dad was wealthy but was never really a father figure, and his half sisters seemed to get everything from the dad while he got zip. I really felt terrible for him and he exploited that. I was young, 17 or so, and had lost my dad 18 months before, and really felt I could not leave him. I finally got up the nerve and it took years for him to "get it" and move on)

Please please tell your mom to stop communicating with him, to put you first. Tell her you hope he gets help but that it must come from him, and you are done. If she insists on talking to him, she should leave you out of it and not discuss you with him. Nor should she tell you about her talks with him. Stand firm, she may not even really see what she is doing, as a mom she may really feel bad, but no matter, you need to have a clean break.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 6/25/2007 10:18:39 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
MY MOTHER JUST WROTE ME THIS EMAIL.... I MEAN SERIOUSLY CAN YOU EVER BELIEVE IT::::

''I have been talking to Adam all day and he really wants to talk with all of us. I told him it was totally in your hands. I told him that he can''t continue to go around behaving like he has. That we understand that it has been difficult for him but that was no excuse for what he did. That we do not hate him. That he needs to get help and make things better with his family. That he needs to talk to you and not keep things bottled up because he is afraid of how you will react. That dad and I do think that you make the problems between you and his parents sound worse than they might actually be. But with that being said that I know in my heart that his mother really does not like you or think you are right for him. That at this point I am not sure that the two of you are right for each other. both of you walk around sad and angry all the time. He said that he has been sad and lost lately but that at the end of the day he was happy to come home to you. I told him that he really needed to do something with his life to make himself happy and that he was in total control of that. That you were not responsible to make him happy at work or home. That sitting looking at a TV and not talking to you was not the way an adult man should be.

I would not jump right back into anything. But I would try and help him get the help he needs. I know you have been lovers but you started out as friends and friends try and help each other. You would do it for anybody else. ''


I WANT TO SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAMM

DS, would YOU ever send that email to YOUR potential daughter? I doubt it. I think you are wise enough to know that your mom probably does mean well and is worried about your happiness but has a skewed way of showing it. I''m sorry to say this but most moms/parents would never, ever want their daughter to go back with a guy who has treated you the way this guy has treated you in the past (remember the incident where he threw the price of the ring back in your face during an argument? I do. Remember earlier on this thread where you mention a couple other things he''s done that are classified as verbally abusive? I do. And I think you do too.) I''m worried that your mom doesn''t have your best interests in mind here. I really feel for you and I hope that you can find a way to get out of the whole situation, even if that means staying somewhere else for a while, so you can find some inner peace and figure out what your next step is without this kind of negative influence.

 

[DiamondSmitten]

I talked to my Dad and told him the type of support I need right now... I told my mom I wouldn''t being holding his hand thru any of this but I do iwsh for him to get healthy. I am less angry seeing how she was manipulated. Phew... day by day.....

 

[princesss]

Good for you! And you''re right, day by day and sometimes hour by hour...but every day that passes is one day when you''re safer, and one day closer to so much more happiness than he could ever have given you. You''re doing so well and I am so proud of you!

 

[Ellen]

Date: 6/26/2007 9:16:59 AM
Author: DiamondSmitten
I talked to my Dad and told him the type of support I need right now... I told my mom I wouldn''t being holding his hand thru any of this but I do iwsh for him to get healthy. I am less angry seeing how she was manipulated. Phew... day by day.....

That''s one thing they do best.


I''m really proud of you, I do know how hard this is. But YOU are worth it sweetie. And day by day is right.

Please, follow all the recommendations to get counceling, it will help.

 

[love is in the air]

Date: 6/25/2007 10:18:39 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
MY MOTHER JUST WROTE ME THIS EMAIL.... I MEAN SERIOUSLY CAN YOU EVER BELIEVE IT::::


''I have been talking to Adam all day and he really wants to talk with all of us. I told him it was totally in your hands. I told him that he can''t continue to go around behaving like he has. That we understand that it has been difficult for him but that was no excuse for what he did. That we do not hate him. That he needs to get help and make things better with his family. That he needs to talk to you and not keep things bottled up because he is afraid of how you will react. That dad and I do think that you make the problems between you and his parents sound worse than they might actually be. But with that being said that I know in my heart that his mother really does not like you or think you are right for him. That at this point I am not sure that the two of you are right for each other. both of you walk around sad and angry all the time. He said that he has been sad and lost lately but that at the end of the day he was happy to come home to you. I told him that he really needed to do something with his life to make himself happy and that he was in total control of that. That you were not responsible to make him happy at work or home. That sitting looking at a TV and not talking to you was not the way an adult man should be.



I would not jump right back into anything. But I would try and help him get the help he needs. I know you have been lovers but you started out as friends and friends try and help each other. You would do it for anybody else. ''



I WANT TO SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAMM

show your mother--and your father--the bruises you just got. that should show your mother the severity of this situation.

 

[enbcfsobe]

DS, I think you''re on the right track, and that you are keeping your eyes wide open. While your mom''s email wasn''t what you needed in the sense of support, I think you can see a silver lining in that it made you see very clearly that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you -- it is clear that anyone can be manipulated by him. It should merely add to your sense of strength and self and purpose that you were able to see it more clearly.
You don''t need visible bruises to show them how serious this is -- I think they are starting to get the point.
(Besides, some abusers learn how to inflict pain without leaving visible marks -- that doesn''t mean it isn''t abuse!).

 

[sumbride]

It hurts to know our moms don''t always see things right. Mine has said lots of things to me that I''ve had to ignore over the years. Just because they are older doesn''t make them wiser. I''m glad you can see how she was manipulated and are standing your ground. Hang in there DS, you have a good life ahead of you!!!

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 6/26/2007 9:54:14 AM
Author: Ellen

Date: 6/26/2007 9:16:59 AM
Author: DiamondSmitten
I talked to my Dad and told him the type of support I need right now... I told my mom I wouldn''t being holding his hand thru any of this but I do iwsh for him to get healthy. I am less angry seeing how she was manipulated. Phew... day by day.....

That''s one thing they do best.


I''m really proud of you, I do know how hard this is. But YOU are worth it sweetie. And day by day is right.

Please, follow all the recommendations to get counceling, it will help.

I am proud of you too!!!!!!!!! Please keep checking in. . . we are here for you. Lots of HUGS.

 

[surfgirl]

DS, did you call a counselor or hotline yet?