worst day ever

[vespergirl]

DIAMONDSMITTEN, PLEASE READ THIS! I HAVE BEEN IN YOUR EXACT SAME SITUATION, DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK!!!

I am so sorry about what happened to you, but there will be life beyond this man - I promise you that if you move on, you will find someone a thousand times better, you would never dream of hurting you or making you sad, but if you take him back, you will regret it for the rest of your life.

Your guy sounds EXACTLY like my ex-fiance. My ex was an "upstanding citizen" - a prominent Washington, DC tax attorney who seemed, to the rest of the world, very gentle and refined. In public, he treated me like a princess. However, when we were home alone, he would constantly berate me and pick fights, and it started with him throwing things around the house and yelling. After over a year together, and after we were engaged, he threw me across the room repeatedly into the corner of a desk, leaving bruises on by back, butt and leg that lasted for over 3 weeks. That day, I told him that I was leaving him, he had to move out. I took my ring off & gave it back to him.

He cried and begged me to take him back. He promised it would never happen again. He promised that he would go to anger management therapy. He deluged me with flowers and gifts. Still, I made him move out & he went to anger management for a few months, while still trying to woo me back.

When he found out that I told my parents that I called the engagement off & kicked him out, HE WROTE MY PARENTS A TWO PAGE LETTER telling them how much he loved me, and that he was working hard to be able to deserve me, and that he wanted us to get past it and move on. HOWEVER, hidden between the lines of the letter, was language insinuating that I was the one who provoked him to his anger, that he had never lost his temper in other relationships, etc. My mother is a social worker, and she called me write away urging me NOT to take him back. She said that''s typical of abusers - they "take the blame," but then state that it would have never happened if the woman had somehow not "provoked" them into their bad behavior. My Dad felt bad for him & thought I should try to work it out, but I decided not to.

Even though the letter had a lot of beautiful things to say about me & his hope for the relationship, I still read between the lines to see that he wasn''t completely accepting responsibility for his actions, and I had the feeling that if I took him back, he would feel that he had been successful, and would stop working on his anger issues. So, I decided to completely stop seeing him & totally end the relationship. Once I did that, he stopped attending anger management, which showed me that he was never serious about getting better, just doing something for show thinking that it would win me back. He also got very angry when he tried to "re-propose" and I refused to re-accept the ring, showing he really hadn''t changed at all. I''m telling you, these guys are impossible to change - he is not worth your happiness.

I told you this story would have a happy ending - 6 months after I broke it off with him, I met the most wonderful, handsome, successful, gentle, caring, and doting man that''s ever lived. Now that man is my husband, and we have a beautiful baby boy, and my life is perfect. I couldn''t have even imagined this type of happiness with the ex. Even though when I broke it off I was afraid that I would never meet anyone else, I was approaching 30, all the stuff we''re supposed to be afraid of, I met the most wonderful man ever after I got out of that awful relationship.

If this isn''t enough to sway you, please think about this in case you are planning on having kids some day. Being engaged is the easy part of the relationship. If he''s losing his cool during that time of your lives, what''s he going to be like when he''s responsible for supporting yoru family with kids, and having work stress, and lack of sleep? I promise he won''t turn into a nicer person. And you would regret it for the rest of your life if you brought children into a family where they were either witnessing abuse or being abused themselves.

Be strong - you are a wonderful woman, and you deserve a great man, not a coward who would beat up on a girl!

And your parents should NOT be talking to him. You are their daughter, and their loyalty and protection should always be with you. Your safety should be their first priority - do not let them (or yourself) be manipulated by them. He is an adult. He should have known better and never touched you to begin with.

 

[AdaBeta27]

Hi, D.S. Stay away from that man. He has shown a pattern of abuse, and I don't think those guys ever truly reform. They may clean up their act for a while and have the best of intentions, but they will almost assuredly backslide whenever the going gets rough or they feel they are losing control, or Heaven forbid, they get into substance abuse. Doubly so if he's in law enforcement. I've never seen any abusive lawman permanently change. Most of the abusers I've met are at root, very insecure men who tend to be control freaks. There was one who killed his wife, buried her in the driveway, and then had it paved, all because she was trying to leave him and get a divorce after taking years of his beatings.

One other thing to consider is that the longer a woman puts up with an abusive mate, the less support she'll get from the legal system when she does finally go there, either for help, or b/c she finally shot the essobee, LOL. You are supposed to have enough self esteem to get out at the frist sign of abuse, not repeatedly take it. You did the right thing dumping him. If you had not, I think you'd find that he'd have become even more controlling, petty, and abusive after marriage b/c he'd think he had all the rights in the world to run his household and control his wife.

More forward. Do not look back. Your ex has to sort out his own problems, and if he screws up his life, tough. As I like to say, only the captain is expected to go down with his ship.

Throw yourself into work, go to grad school part time, whatever. Build yourself up. Stay busy and don't dwell on it. I'd recommend staying out of relationships right now, particularly with any guy who already has a spouse or girlfriend. You are at a vunerable point and you don't want some good-time boy taking advantage of you.

 

[Skippy123]

Glad you checked in. Stay strong and come here if you need to talk! Best wishes.

 

[NYCsparkle]

Stay strong....you are young and will find a man who will be there for you and support you without being abusive. go out, have fun, and live your life...love will find you when you least expect it too.

 

[beachbound]

You are doing the right thing by sticking to your guns on this! You''re doing a great job of staying strong. You can get through this! We''re all here for you!

 

[ChargerGrrl]

I''ve been away from PS for awhile, and am just now reading this.

You''ve gotten some valuable info from the gals here. Just want to add that I hope you stay strong. I''m sending you lots of good vibes.

Hang in there!

 

[TravelingGal]

Good for you for moving forward, a step at a time. I hope the pain will ease for you soon, and I hope those nice earrings you bought for yourself will help a bit!

 

[anchor31]

I just caught up with your story, and I''m very sorry this has been happening. I''m glad to hear you''re moving forward and I admire your strength. I will keep you in my prayers, keep going!

 

[whenharrymetsally]

DS, Stay strong! No woman should ever ever ever be treated this way. I''m so glad to hear that you are moving in the right direction. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and love. Keep that head up high and know that you have made the right decision for you and your future! *hugs*

 

[phoenixgirl]

I too saw your post about your earrings! Enjoy them in good health and happiness! Have you thought about changing your avatar to be your new sparklies?

I''m so sorry to hear about what you''ve had to go through, but I am so glad that this relationship ended before "I do." You are right -- it''s not your responsibility to save your ex. Your mom''s whole line about how you were friends first is just B.S. Anyone who abuses me is no friend of mine! I hope he gets help and has a successful, stable life and is never violent again. But even if he does, you''ve made it clear that this relationship was not bringing out the best in both of you. You weren''t right for each other.

You mustn''t fear that you''ll never find anyone. That''s just silly! I don''t care how much weight you''ve gained or acne you have. We all just want to love and be loved, and there are plenty of worthwhile men out there who are compatible with you. Hey, maybe you can give eHarmony or the like a chance . . . I''ve always thought it was so neat to be matched by personality. More than physical attributes I''ve always been attracted to the same personality type.

Anyway, stay strong and take care.

 

[sevens one]

Date: 7/3/2007 11:35:57 PM
Author: SanDiegoLady

Date: 6/23/2007 4:10:02 PM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 6/23/2007 4:07:42 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
he wasnt even apoligetic until i told him i was called the police... then it was all ''i am sorry, i let my anger get away from me... let me see the bruise... i didn''t mean it...''

Do not make excuses for him. YOUR WORDS are those of an abused woman. Yes, you are an abused woman whether you want to believe it or not. Please please read some of the literature on domestic violence. You and your FI are a classic example, and it often gets worse. Do you really want to be committed to life to someone who can''t control his anger???

Honey I agree..

As one who lived an abusive/controlling marriage for the better part of 16 years, don''t don''t DON''T go through this. Don''t! Its not worth it. When I finally was able to leave, I lost everything.. including much of myself. It has taken me several years and thank God for my new husband. While he isn''t perfect, he has shown me I can be a much better, stronger person. I have survived it.. don''t begin it.

Don''t make excuses for him. Abuse is abuse. And, if he''s bottling it, it will surely come out later whether or not you like it.

Hugs..

don''t mean to hijack
but SDL why did you lose everything? (if you don''t want to answer- I understand)
Thanks

 

[Harleigh]

DS...you deserve so much better...please do not let what others think guide your decision. No woman deserves to be in an abusive relationship, whether it be physical or verbal. I had a mildly abusive father growing up, and let me tell you that I have fought tooth and nail over ever being treated that way again, which may be why I''ve made it to my mid-30''s without settling down yet... Don''t EVER let him try to convince you that you made him do it or believe his promises that he won''t do it again...history shows they always will.

I don''t know if you read for pleasure or even have time in your current situation, but I just finished a book I think you should read. It''s called "Picture Perfect" by Jodi Picoult. If you can''t get it, PM your address and I will send you my copy.

Stay strong...we are all here for you.

Harleigh

 

[KimberlyH]

DS, how are you doing?

 

[DiamondSmitten]

Hi ladies.... I''m doing ok. There are still times its totally overwhelming but I''m feeling pretty darn good. I now realize that relationship was over even way way before the incident happened. He was lazy, not passionate about anything, and soooooo irresponsible that we were at the point that I was with him not because I was happy.... but because it seemed easier than breaking up again. Everyone around me has been pretty awesome in helping me see that. I''ve been keeping super busy, spending time with my girls. I wish I knew why it took a berakup to help me realize I have such amazing people in my life. I''m going to work very hard on not taking people for granted anymore.

 

[risingsun]

It''s so good to hear from you, DS. Stay strong. Good things will happen for you. You have chosen to go on with your life!!

 

[Ellen]

Date: 7/7/2007 11:37:37 AM
Author: DiamondSmitten
Hi ladies.... I''m doing ok. There are still times its totally overwhelming but I''m feeling pretty darn good. I now realize that relationship was over even way way before the incident happened. He was lazy, not passionate about anything, and soooooo irresponsible that we were at the point that I was with him not because I was happy.... but because it seemed easier than breaking up again. Everyone around me has been pretty awesome in helping me see that. I''ve been keeping super busy, spending time with my girls. I wish I knew why it took a breakup to help me realize I have such amazing people in my life. I''m going to work very hard on not taking people for granted anymore.

And there is a silver lining.

I''m glad you checked in too, you have been on my mind. I''m glad to hear things are going relatively well, and that you have supportive people in your life.

Keep it up, you are on your way to a brand new life!

 

[Selkie]

Good for you, DS! I''m yet another one who has been following your story, and sympathizing. This is a really critical time for you-you''re grieving the loss of an important relationship (it doesn''t have to have been a GOOD one to be important). Not only will you find out again how much the people around you care about you, and wish you the best, but you are also finding out how much of your own strength you have. Please keep checking in from time to time, I think you have an army of supporters here on PS!

 

[KimberlyH]

DS,

Thanks for checking in. I''m so happy to hear that you are finding some peace in the middle of this mess. Please continue to check in...you have unending support from us.

~K

 

[Skippy123]

DS, I am so glad you are taking care of yourself; you deserve to be happy.

 

[anchor31]

I''m glad to hear you''re doing well. I''m still thinking of you!

 

[Po10472]

I''ve been keeping up to date with your posts and happy to see that you are working through this difficult time. When you are hurting its very common to resent friends and family for the the things they are saying and their so-called advice. I''m guessing your mum just doesn''t understand what you are going thro and that''s why she''s saying the things she is, her ''advice'' is not the type of support you need, so try not to listen to it, realise that this is something you need to work on yourself. You can talk to supportive people and seek professional help, but ultimately its about remaining positive and taking small steps forward.

I was in a ten year relationship that broke down after several years of mental abuse. I had to move out the house and my entire world collapsed around me and at the time I felt all alone, no-one understood what I was going thro and even when my family and friends told me he was a b**d and I was better off without him, it hurt like mad cos these comments still hurt me cos I still loved him. I resented them for it, even tho I knew they were right, but I needed to believe it from the bottom of my heart. Looking back now I realised that it was a day at a time, its about rebuilding your life both physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. Its about finding yourself and believing in "you". I learned to remember fondly the good times and recognised that the bad times far outweighed the good ones and how I lost myself in that relationship. I did seek professional help and was told that it was like grief, that you would have the shock, the denial, the anger, depression, acceptance, that it wasn''t going to be overnight but I had done the right thing.

You need to keep focusing on what is right for you. This will be the hardest thing to do but its better to be alone for the right reasons than be with someone for the wrong ones. You are doing so well, just keep strong and you will start to see light at the end of this tunnel you are in.

po
x

 

[Gothgrrl]

Glad to hear your keeping busy. Just take one day at a time. Stay strong. You can do it!

 

[monarch64]

Good for you DS, I''m so proud of you. You have a great attitude in making the best of your situation. Stay strong and know that a full and happy life is ahead of you now!

 

[Harleigh]

DS...you are such an inspiration! I''m glad you have found what other things there already were in your life that help to make you who you are...keep being strong and most of all, be happy!

Harleigh

 

[marcy]

Hi DS. I am delighted to hear you are doing okay and stepping back in to life. I think sometimes we stay in an unhappy place because we are used to it and maybe hesitant to change. In looking back you now see things maybe you weren''t ready to deal with at the time. I think this is making you a stronger and wiser person and it''s nice to hear you are valuing the important people in your life a little more than you realized. It''s good to keep busy and distracted. Take care and be good to yourself.

 

[Ellen]

DS, I was just thinking about you. I hope you are still doing well, let us know.

 

[surfgirl]

Yes DS, you were doing SO well..please check in and let us know how you''re doing!

 

[DiamondSmitten]

Hey Ladies.... just thought I would give you an update..... I am doing well... no "back with the abuser relapses" in fact he is all moved out and into the townhouse we were supposed to share and I managed to not be here at any point he was moving so I havent seen him not once since he drove away when I kicked him out after the incident. We have been in some levels of communication for the monetary and what not situation. We have everything split up all that is left is for him to give me 2000 when he sells the ring because I paid for some of it through our joint account. Lately he has been contacting me to say he wants me back and he is sorry and I have been blowing him off. He found out I have been on some dates by stalking my MYSPACE so we blocked him from that since he freaked out and blogged about me being a whore..... Just today he was texting me... wanted to meet for a drink... wants me to "come back home" by home he means his new townhouse he is renting.... is "is sorry" "it was an accident" he even went as far as to say "we both know you bruise easily" His childish and desperate measures have reinforced my decision. Is it still hard sometimes.. OF COURSE it was 6 yrs of my life... but I WILL NOT relapse and fall back into it. I know he says he "would do anything to get me back" but I have heard this story before after the 8 month break we took back in 2005 and as soon as he had me back he was the same lame lazy jerk he was before. Anytime I feel a twinge of guilt or think of how much easier it would be to just move in with him and procede as nothing happened I know I am making the right decision. My mom and friends say this is the most I have smiled and laughed in years. I am acting my age (24) and not (44) NOT that there is anything wrong with 44.... im just not ready for all that yet. I am going away with my girlfriends to the shore for the weekends.... and recontecting with old friends... and the few casual dates have been nice too. In fact I leave for VEGAS Friday for a 5 day trip with my best friend for her birthday. It feels good...... and I have plenty of people around me... and pictures of the bruises that say I am making the right decisions still. I might even take a LSAT course and look into law school.... something the ex was never ever supportvie of because of the debt that would be involved... but it has always been my dream.... Some songs still make me cry..... but when I am out with my girls on a dancefloor with no guilt and having fun.... its so worth it....

~rachel

 

[Dee*Jay]

Rachel, it is SO great to read your post! It sounds like you're in a good place right now and you're doing the right thing. I know it's hard, but stay strong and keep at building your own life. I hope you have a wonderful trip to Vegas!

 

[Ellen]

Date: 8/13/2007 6:27:18 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
Hey Ladies.... just thought I would give you an update..... I am doing well... no ''back with the abuser relapses'' in fact he is all moved out and into the townhouse we were supposed to share and I managed to not be here at any point he was moving so I havent seen him not once since he drove away when I kicked him out after the incident. We have been in some levels of communication for the monetary and what not situation. We have everything split up all that is left is for him to give me 2000 when he sells the ring because I paid for some of it through our joint account. Lately he has been contacting me to say he wants me back and he is sorry and I have been blowing him off. He found out I have been on some dates by stalking my MYSPACE so we blocked him from that since he freaked out and blogged about me being a whore..... Just today he was texting me... wanted to meet for a drink... wants me to ''come back home'' by home he means his new townhouse he is renting.... is ''is sorry'' ''it was an accident'' he even went as far as to say ''we both know you bruise easily'' His childish and desperate measures have reinforced my decision. Is it still hard sometimes.. OF COURSE it was 6 yrs of my life... but I WILL NOT relapse and fall back into it. I know he says he ''would do anything to get me back'' but I have heard this story before after the 8 month break we took back in 2005 and as soon as he had me back he was the same lame lazy jerk he was before. Anytime I feel a twinge of guilt or think of how much easier it would be to just move in with him and procede as nothing happened I know I am making the right decision. My mom and friends say this is the most I have smiled and laughed in years. I am acting my age (24) and not (44) NOT that there is anything wrong with 44.... im just not ready for all that yet. I am going away with my girlfriends to the shore for the weekends.... and recontecting with old friends... and the few casual dates have been nice too. In fact I leave for VEGAS Friday for a 5 day trip with my best friend for her birthday. It feels good...... and I have plenty of people around me... and pictures of the bruises that say I am making the right decisions still. I might even take a LSAT course and look into law school.... something the ex was never ever supportvie of because of the debt that would be involved... but it has always been my dream.... Some songs still make me cry..... but when I am out with my girls on a dancefloor with no guilt and having fun.... its so worth it....

~rachel

I am SO proud of you. You go girl!