worst day ever

[DiamondSmitten]

So my Fi just kicked me into a dresser and gott kicked out of my parents house where we are staying.... im devastated, in shock really...... I know vows are supposed to be through good times and bad, thru sickness and health.... but i just don''t think they include through bruises and abuse..... i can''t even process everything......I feel like I am in the worst nightmare ever......

 

[Kaleigh]

Abuse is something that is never acceptable. Has he been abusive to you before?? Can you go stay with a friend for a while. And why did your parent''s kick you out?? Sorry if that''s too many questions....

 

[door knob solitaire]

OH dear...

You are right...they do not include abuse. Is there any where else you can go? A friend...church...anywhere. You really need to seperate yourself immediately. Don''t ever accept this type of behavior. Please realize you are far too valuable to settle for that. the longer you don''t stand up for yourself...it is understood that that is OK. Take the clothes you are wearing and leave. Please.

Please get out. Can you provide your region? So we can find you a haven?

You are not alone...I will do what I can for you.

DKS

 

[surfgirl]

Honey, I'm no couples counselor but if anyone hit me like that, I'D kick their butt to the curb. It is inexcusable. I'm sure you're very upset and rightly so. Please, talk to your parents, they seem to have good sense since they kicked him out. Physical or emotional abuse is not part of the "worse" as in "for better and for worse", it's just wrong. You need to seriously re-consider this relationship, IMO, but right now, try to calm down. Talk to your parents....

ETA: My understanding is that HE got kicked out of her parents home, but she's still there, yes?

 

[DiamondSmitten]

the townhouse my fi and I were supposed to move into isnt ready for us untill mid august so we are both with my parents for now... they kicked him out becuase he kicked me.....


a few years ago when we were in an apt he wrapped his arms around me and pushed me into a wall, another time he thru my engagement ring box in a wall of our apt taking a chunk out of the wall and shattering the box... but the incidences have been few and far between

 

[rainbowtrout]

A) you haven''t vowed yet and b) it wouldn''t matter if you had.


Good for your parents for kicking him out. So sorry this had to happen to you. Don''t even start thinking this is in any way your fault, because it isn''t.

 

[neatfreak]

Please please do not take this.

NOTHING that you did made you deserve this. If you're comfortable sharing where you are, maybe one of us can help you out.

NO ONE deserves to be treated this way.

The number for the National Domestic Abuse Hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE. Please call them. They can help you through this and provide you a safe place to stay if you need it and the support to help you separate from him.

You really need to get out of this relationship. It doesn't matter if the incidences have been far between. It's enough that they have happened at all because they shouldn't have. He has a problem and needs help.


EDITED because I now see you are safe.

 

[DiamondSmitten]

I am safe with my parents.... but soooo lost and confused... I mean I never thought this would be an issue... he said he let his anger get the best of him....

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 6/23/2007 4:00:19 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
I am safe with my parents.... but soooo lost and confused... I mean I never thought this would be an issue... he said he let his anger get the best of him....

No offense, but this really is not healthy for you to stay with him. He needs professional help and it is NOT acceptable to let "his anger get the best of him". We all get angry, but how do you know that he won''t really hurt you someday? Or even worse, if you have kids how do you know he won''t hurt THEM? He needs to be kicked to the curb.

 

[luckystar112]

Oh my God!

The silver lining is that you are okay and you are at your parents house. Your husband has obviously got some serious anger management issues. I hope that your next step is to DEMAND he take some anger management classes before you even THINK of leaving your parents house to be with him! No one deserves that treatment, no matter how minute. Do not make excuses for him. The more you allow him to act that way the more frequent it will become. Put your foot down. I know I sound like a broken record, but it is so easy to make excuses for someone (not saying that you are) and I just really want you to be safe and happy. You are so lucky you have your parents to take care of you. Please...take this time to set some boundaries.

Most abusers try to be discrete...the fact that he kicked you into a dresser in your PARENTS house blows me away. He really needs some help. Don''t give in!

 

[DiamondSmitten]

this is gonna sound crazy, but had i not been there i wouldnt even believe he had it in him.... he is VERY low key, doesn't talk much.... even when we fight he is silent more than he yells.........as i was going into the dresser and my head was hitting the TV it was almost an out of body experience

 

[luckystar112]

"Let his anger get the best of him" and "instances are few and far between" are excuses to me.

I thought you two were already married! The fact that you aren''t makes this so much easier. If I were you I would tell him you are NOT moving in the townhouse and the wedding is OFF. You can walk away, and I suggest you do! Do not wait until it is too late!

I will keep you in my thoughts.

 

[DiamondSmitten]

he wasnt even apoligetic until i told him i was called the police... then it was all "i am sorry, i let my anger get away from me... let me see the bruise... i didn''t mean it..."

 

[DiamondSmitten]

the thought of ending this and starting all over again is SOOOOOOOO DAUNTING..... i want to cry and scream........

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 6/23/2007 4:07:42 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
he wasnt even apoligetic until i told him i was called the police... then it was all ''i am sorry, i let my anger get away from me... let me see the bruise... i didn''t mean it...''

Do not make excuses for him. YOUR WORDS are those of an abused woman. Yes, you are an abused woman whether you want to believe it or not. Please please read some of the literature on domestic violence. You and your FI are a classic example, and it often gets worse. Do you really want to be committed to life to someone who can''t control his anger???

 

[neatfreak]

It might be hard, but you were a few months away from marrying this guy!!! This is a blessing in disguise because it''s easier to break off an engagement than get out of an abusive marriage.

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 6/23/2007 4:05:11 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
this is gonna sound crazy, but had i not been there i wouldnt even believe he had it in him.... he is VERY low key, doesn''t talk much.... even when we fight he is silent more than he yells.........as i was going into the dresser and my head was hitting the TV it was almost an out of body experience

The fact that he is either silent or yells is a clear indication that he can''t deal with anger/stress. He should be able to TALK...like an adult. Remaining silent only means that he is keeping his emotions bottled up, which is why he probably reacts so violently with the yelling/kicking/throwing stuff at walls/grabbing!

If you are correct, that he just let his anger get the better of him, than you WON''T EVEN HAVE TO ASK for him to do something about it. He will do it on his own. Call things off...take this time to reflect. What if one of your future children ticks him off? Think about that. Take a break from him...a 100% break....and wait to see what he does. If he signs himself up for anger management classes/starts talking to a therapist, good. If he blows this episode off as him just "letting his anger get the best of him" then RUN....!!!!

 

[Love in Bloom]

That does sound like a nightmare. It makes me really angry that someone would do that to you and thank goodness your parents care enough for you to kick him the hell out of their house. Are you physically bruised? If you are still processing what happened, I think you should have someone take a picture of your injuries, then take a long hard look at those pictures. Take a look at what he has done to you, and he will most likely do it again only worse. That is no way for you to live. Nobody has the right to do that to you, NOBODY. Even if you had already taken your vows they would not ever justify physical assault. I think you need to get out before there is nothing left of you to realize that what he did to you is wrong.

 

[DiamondSmitten]

i can''t help but think maybe i am/was over reacting..... my leg isn''t even bruising the way I thought it would...... i mean ending a 6 year relationship after this one incident seems a bit dramatic..... but also what if it was worse.... i mean this was because i unplugged the tv..... what if I actually did something worth getting mad about.... im sure u can see my brain is all over the place

 

[musey]

Date: 6/23/2007 4:09:53 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
the thought of ending this and starting all over again is SOOOOOOOO DAUNTING..... i want to cry and scream........

I totally understand how you feel on that point... but that is NOT NOT NOT a reason to stay with an abusive man!! He made a mistake--fine. DON'T GIVE HIM THE CHANCE TO MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE AGAIN!!! NOT with you!

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 6/23/2007 4:11:06 PM
Author: neatfreak
It might be hard, but you were a few months away from marrying this guy!!! This is a blessing in disguise because it''s easier to break off an engagement than get out of an abusive marriage.

Soooo true!

"starting over" should be the ABSOLUTE LAST of your concerns!!!!!

 

[bee*]

Drop him to the curb-break if off now and do not let him contact you again. You do not have to put up with that sort of abuse-you deserve better. Good on your parents for kicking him out. Whether the instances are few and far between doesn''t matter-they just should not happen at all. Please for your sake do not get back with him and let him do that again in the future as without your parents living with you things can get worse.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 6/23/2007 4:13:18 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
i can''t help but think maybe i am/was over reacting..... my leg isn''t even bruising the way I thought it would...... i mean ending a 6 year relationship after this one incident seems a bit dramatic..... but also what if it was worse.... i mean this was because i unplugged the tv..... what if I actually did something worth getting mad about.... im sure u can see my brain is all over the place

This is NOT the first incident, you said so yourself. And it doesn''t matter whether you''re bruising or not THIS TIME. Because mark my words if you let him get away with this again, he WILL do it again and it could be a LOT WORSE.

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 6/23/2007 4:09:53 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
the thought of ending this and starting all over again is SOOOOOOOO DAUNTING..... i want to cry and scream........

You need to take off that ring, cancel your wedding. Saying it's "too daunting to start over" is a REALLY DANGEROUS way to think. Wake up! This guy has a history of physical abuse. It doesn't matter how often or not it happens. You are lucky your parents are sensible and are protecting you. Don't go backwards here, MAKE A POLICE REPORT and DONT BACK DOWN. The fact that he wasn't apologetic until he found out you called the police speaks VOLUMES. Again, take off the ring, call off the wedding and get some good counseling. And for god's sake stay away from this guy.

ETA: I'm using stronger language in this post because I can already see you making excuses for this jerk. You need to move on. A real, loving, mature relationship does NOT involve physical violence. You are not in a mature loving relationship so there is nothing worth staying for. And in a tough love moment, I'm going out on a limb to say that your recent posts sound like you're desperate to get married and are willing to settle for an abusive relationship. That tells me that you need your own counseling. For some reason you dont seem to think you're worthy of a man who treats you without violence. That's not right. Please get some counseling NOW. Call the hotline number that was given upthread, and talk to a professional NOW. Not later, but right this very minute. Stop posting and talk to someone. Please!

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 6/23/2007 4:13:18 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
i can''t help but think maybe i am/was over reacting..... my leg isn''t even bruising the way I thought it would...... i mean ending a 6 year relationship after this one incident seems a bit dramatic..... but also what if it was worse.... i mean this was because i unplugged the tv..... what if I actually did something worth getting mad about.... im sure u can see my brain is all over the place

No way! Get your head out of the gutter! I really hate to be so frank,but your way of thinking is why women stay in abusive relationship for years, and why their kids grow up to be abusers! God is giving you a way out....TAKE IT, PLEASE!!!!

 

[Love in Bloom]

I think having your brain 'all over the place' is good indication of how it would be for you if you continued your relationship with this guy. Living in constant fight or flight mode would kill you eventually if he doesn't do it first. Cut him off. He is the one who was overreacting, not you.

 

[DiamondSmitten]

u know what kills me, if anyone i loved ie: my friends, called and told me this happened... i would tell them to RUN!! but i am sitting here thinking of ways to make it work.... counseling etc.... but this isnt the only problem in our relationship.....communication has been a problem for yrs

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 6/23/2007 4:18:38 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
u know what kills me, if anyone i loved ie: my friends, called and told me this happened... i would tell them to RUN!! but i am sitting here thinking of ways to make it work.... counseling etc.... but this isnt the only problem in our relationship.....communication has been a problem for yrs

This is not the only incident. Remember that.

AND ALSO you were the one that posted a few months back about him throwing the price of your ring in your face. And we all told you that it was completely inappropriate of him, and you made excuses for him there too.

JUST RUN ALREADY. This guy sounds like he is emotionally AND physically abusive. That''s NOT OK.

 

[DiamondSmitten]

we took a break before and I got back with him and re-engaged..... everyone around me is gonna think im NUTS if we break up again.....

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 6/23/2007 4:23:10 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
we took a break before and I got back with him and re-engaged..... everyone around me is gonna think im NUTS if we break up again.....

NO. Everyone will FINALLY be thrilled that you kicked this a*hole to the curb. They''ve all probably been thinking what we''re saying for a long time. Sounds like he doesn''t respect you and doesn''t treat you too well to me.

Trust us, if they are real friends they will totally support you through this and be so proud that you got yourself out of a bad situation.