When you were a child **sensitive topic**

[Daisys and Diamonds]

Note to all
my likes on this thread are ment as hugs

 

[missy]

Note to all
my likes on this thread are ment as hugs

Yeah and I’m sorry I’m not liking the posts. My heart breaks knowing the abuse some of you went through. I wish we had a crying option. Know I am hugging you virtually (if you’ll accept that) and my heart goes out to all of you.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

It real bothers me how wide spread this mistreatment is
Im glad spanking is illegal now
But the way my neighbour speaks tp her young children breaks my heart

 

[missy]

Interesting and amazing how those of you who have bravely shared your experiences with us have not gone on to continue the abuse upon your children.

I would guess that might not be the average experience. I would think being abused might make one more likely to abuse. But obviously that isn’t true here. I don’t know statistics. Just musing out loud.

It speaks to the strength and courage to overcome extreme conditions and make a better life and world for the children of today. There is hope this world can change for the better. PSers are proof.

 

[MillieLou]

I don't remember being punished at all (80s child). I was just told off if I did something wrong, and that was enough - I would be upset, cry, maybe flounce for a while, then say sorry and try not to do it again. I asked DH (who grew up in a completely different country and culture) and he says the same - no punishments, just talking / telling off as needed. It seemed to work.

 

[Austina]

Thank you @Begonia and all of you for sharing. I’m sorry that so many others have suffered at the hands of the very people who were supposed to protect them from these kinds of horrors.

I suppose ultimately, we are the people we are today because of our childhoods, and haven’t let it define who we are today. I originally didn’t want to have children because I was worried that I’d end up like my parents. I tried very hard not to be like them because I remember the misery of growing up with parents who told me I was plain and stupid and made me feel I was never good enough.

 

[bling_dream19]

My heart hurts for all of you. I have been pained by witnessing child abuse. I don't know what to do when I see it in public.
If a person goes out and hits another person most likely they will be arrested for assault. If a person hits their dog they will be arrested for animal cruelty. If an adult hits a child, the adult is not arrested. I CANNOT UNDERSTAND THIS. IT IS ABUSE AND A CRIME. I am huge fan of Dr. Stacy Patton Spare the child. She is a survivor of abuse and has dedicated her life to stopping child abuse and educating adults on how to parent without violence. I have the utmost respect for her.

 

[elizat]

Late 30's here.

Spanked, yes, my mother had my grandfather make me paddle when I was young. They told me to pick the wood for it. A lot if times I would be asked to go get it so it could be used.

Leather belt, but not the norm.

My mother has a bad habit of slapping across the face when angry.

Soap in the mouth for talking back or "sassing."

Physical labor, like mowing yard, picking up rocks from yard, cleaning. Creative use there and it worked.

Things taken away and given to charities and punishment- i.e. put x away and if it wasn't timely done, it was taken away.

Being sent to church if I misbehaved and having to walk there and back- was a good distance.

I hated school lunch a lot. My dad would make me buy my lunch on days he knew the menu was not appealing. This was creative and worked!

My dad would pick out my clothes. Would pick intentionally mismatched and things I hated, for me to wear to school. This was creative and worked.

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

Interesting and amazing how those of you who have bravely shared your experiences with us have not gone on to continue the abuse upon your children.

I would guess that might not be the average experience. I would think being abused might make one more likely to abuse. But obviously that isn’t true here. I don’t know statistics. Just musing out loud.

It speaks to the strength and courage to overcome extreme conditions and make a better life and world for the children of today. There is hope this world can change for the better. PSers are proof.

Interestingly enough Missy both of my grandmothers were pretty awesome.

My parents were never spanked (which was incredibly odd for their generation).

My mum's mother was a very gentle woman and her father was very artsy fartsy (and had two wives) but he definitely didn't hit any of the kids. She was very spoilt as a child, someone always rescuing her for being "delicate." There was no reason why she should have grown into the magnificent nutjob that she is.

I think ultimately she just had a very black heart. She is incredibly "off". When she found out my dog had passed away she called me to give her condolences. Then she asked me if I had a video of him being put to sleep so she could share it on Facebook.

 

[Begonia]

Im so sorry dear Austina

My mother had a quick uncontrollable temper that i wore the brunt of physically and emotionally
And tears were like a red rag to a bull, i remenber one night her and dad were going out and she yelled at me till i waw sick down my 1970s highly flammable nightie
Her brother - a wonderful uncle, was the same
Always a scene when someone was going somewhere, where it be a night out or a holiday or school camp
in latter life i kind of worked out that that family screamed and yelled their love to each other but im quiet like my dad and can't handle yelling and screaming
i still remember alot of the hurtful things my mother said to me in the heat of the moment
hurtful stuff like my having a messy room gave ny dad cancer
FFS !
Who says that ?
I remember my first birthday after dad died and she had woken up in the foulest mood and i went off to work in tears
She would completly trash my room
She lost her hand break after dad died
but even when he was alive she had uncontrollable and unreasonable rage locking me out of the house on the rain, ripping my books
I was never good enough, but if i did manage to do something good she would turn it around and find some angle to hurt me
Also the way she talked about me like i was the worst kid out - which was the exact opposite, i was on a very short leash and missed out on alot of normal teenage fun
I cringe when i hear people bad mounting their kids

I do now think she had some undiagnosed mental illness but its one of the major reasons i never wanted children because my wonderful sweet kind grandma did the same to her

My sister choses to not acknowkege this behabour as while i got it, she got away with murder
i remenber one time mum was out and my sister and her boyfriend came home drunk and the boyfriend was sick in the bathroom
my friend helped me clean it up and took the boyfriend home - but when mum got home i was the one who got in trouble - i had zero to do with it

i told my mum one time you hit me again ill hit back or ill walk out this door and never come back
i left with a backpack and my mountain bike
my mother wondered why we never visited ???
Also my sister got the education
i always got in trouble with school reports because i can't spell or right neat but in high school i was kinda doing ok academically but got zero encouragement only criticism
Once i got 2nd in English and mum wanted to know why i didn't get 1st
That's not encouragement

my first day of high school was horrible, i was split up from my friends and there were a few horrible boys in my class
i came home crying and mum slapped my face and told me i had to go back
The thing was she hated school so we had to also, she wouldn't let us enjoy school when things were good

my sister was the favourite and it was embarrising because everyone could see it
Anyway she was a lot like Bruce Springsteen's Dad, so i have an outlet
I try not to think of it, i found out at her funeral she had remorse about me not going to university but she never told me
i only hope my sister doesn't yell at her kids

So sorry to hear this d and d. You're cherished here for your open, kind and unfailingly supportive posts. We adore you.

 

[autumngems]

Spankings, mainly by mom, dad only twice

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

Screamed at mostly, things thrown at me, locked in my room (actually locked), things thrown out/broken, ears/hair pulled, lots of physical/future threats (I won't ever help you pay for a car, college, I'll kick you out, etc), chased with weapons, the list goes on. Having an alcoholic parent is not fun.

I was born in 85, my Mom in 63 and my Dad in 44, he was the giver of most of the abusive punishments.

 

[Begonia]

Beaten, pinched, hair pulled, objects thrown at, chased with a knife.

This was all mother.

Father was more manipulative. Ask for a pack of crayons? Get told that I was a worthless good for nothing who will bring the entire family down due to my crazy spending habits.

They collected unemployment benefits including a government allowance to raise me which they resented spending on me. I was forced to study and make it into selective high school so they could bask in the glory of having a smart child when they refused to drop a penny for tutoring. They were dumbasses and knew nothing themselves but would scream (mother) when I got less than 95%. There was hair pulling on the way home if she didn't like my school work. Not that she understood any of it.

Amongst other random things they would sporadically ban me from going to the library because reading too many books would make me insane. I was regularly told that I was insane and they were just keeping my crazy in check.

My mother's favourite quote growing up was: Nobody will ever love you as much as I do.

They had my sister and left her for me to raise as soon as I got home from school. God help me if I missed a 3am wake up. Mother would get out of bed, scream, hair pull and start crying about why I was such a horrible child who couldn't help her with the baby.

When I turned 18 and went to uni I got a part time job and they could no longer collect the government allowance for me (at some point it was paid directly to me so they kept my bank card and had the PIN on it) so they made me pay them the same amount that the government would have given them from my part time salary.

Oh there are so many more stories I could tell.

The two things they did for me which has actually resulted in me having an incredibly wonderful life:

1. They gave me my sister
2. They pushed me to chose my husband

Ahh my husband. Sweet, kind, incredibly good tempered and rock solid. Everything they were not. They thought they could control him easily because he was so vague and easygoing. They failed to realise that when you start to spend year in, year out with an incredibly kind and sane person, you question the jarring toxic elements in your life and become freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

So sorry to hear this all myg. I'm happy that your husband is your safe person and place. Thank God for him.

 

[Queenie60]

We did not spank or verbally abused our children. We would punish them by taking away privileges and having them write a one page apology for being naughty. This seemed to work as well as any physical punishment could have worked. As for my childhood - read some of the horror stories above and many of this explains the awful parents I had.

 

[Gussie]

I'm Gen X brought up by parents who were borderline SG/BB. I got a few spankings when I was young. They weren't beatings though. In fact, I remember thinking to myself, "don't laugh or it might get bad!" My sister and I were a pretty good kids though. They would send us to our room a lot. Later I got grounded a few times. That definitely worked.

I do remember being slapped on the face once (only once). As an early teenager, I really talked back. My mom lost it one day. It really shocked me but I stopped talking back, at least for a while. It was wrong and she apologized quickly. I could push buttons as teenage girls only can.

Parents aren't perfect and we all make mistakes. Obviously, I'm not excusing any abuse. I am sincerely sorry for all of you who had abusive parents. I can't imagine that devastation. Raising kids can be extremely hard; we are really in the middle of that with my teenage daughter now. We discuss courses of action daily, lol. We're not flying blind but gosh it feels that way some days!

 

[Musia]

Im so sorry dear Austina

My mother had a quick uncontrollable temper that i wore the brunt of physically and emotionally
And tears were like a red rag to a bull, i remenber one night her and dad were going out and she yelled at me till i waw sick down my 1970s highly flammable nightie
Her brother - a wonderful uncle, was the same
Always a scene when someone was going somewhere, where it be a night out or a holiday or school camp
in latter life i kind of worked out that that family screamed and yelled their love to each other but im quiet like my dad and can't handle yelling and screaming
i still remember alot of the hurtful things my mother said to me in the heat of the moment
hurtful stuff like my having a messy room gave ny dad cancer
FFS !
Who says that ?
I remember my first birthday after dad died and she had woken up in the foulest mood and i went off to work in tears
She would completly trash my room
She lost her hand break after dad died
but even when he was alive she had uncontrollable and unreasonable rage locking me out of the house on the rain, ripping my books
I was never good enough, but if i did manage to do something good she would turn it around and find some angle to hurt me
Also the way she talked about me like i was the worst kid out - which was the exact opposite, i was on a very short leash and missed out on alot of normal teenage fun
I cringe when i hear people bad mounting their kids

I do now think she had some undiagnosed mental illness but its one of the major reasons i never wanted children because my wonderful sweet kind grandma did the same to her

My sister choses to not acknowkege this behabour as while i got it, she got away with murder
i remenber one time mum was out and my sister and her boyfriend came home drunk and the boyfriend was sick in the bathroom
my friend helped me clean it up and took the boyfriend home - but when mum got home i was the one who got in trouble - i had zero to do with it

i told my mum one time you hit me again ill hit back or ill walk out this door and never come back
i left with a backpack and my mountain bike
my mother wondered why we never visited ???
Also my sister got the education
i always got in trouble with school reports because i can't spell or right neat but in high school i was kinda doing ok academically but got zero encouragement only criticism
Once i got 2nd in English and mum wanted to know why i didn't get 1st
That's not encouragement

my first day of high school was horrible, i was split up from my friends and there were a few horrible boys in my class
i came home crying and mum slapped my face and told me i had to go back
The thing was she hated school so we had to also, she wouldn't let us enjoy school when things were good

my sister was the favourite and it was embarrassing because everyone could see it
Anyway she was a lot like Bruce Springsteen's Dad, so i have an outlet
I try not to think of it, i found out at her funeral she had remorse about me not going to university but she never told me
i only hope my sister doesn't yell at her kids

So sorry you had such a horrible childhood and young teen years. I had the same. Hit, slapped, verbally abused, criticized, dominated, always guilty. Mom used to say "Now I am going to hit you in a face so you know why you are crying" She had rubber jumping rope and punished me with it in the most severe cases. No happiness at all. No love, no protection, no shelter, no trust, no warmness of home. And I had nowhere to go. After I got married at the age of 19 and had 2 children at the age of 20 and 22, we lived with my parents in their 2 rooms apartment. Here in US it is called one bedroom/one bathroom. As long as USSR existed there was continuous and severe crisis with any sort of housing. Often 3 generations lived together in small apartments so domestic violence along with alcoholism were our "norm". Often different families (not relatives) had to share apartments. My kids witnessed all of this unfortunately. Mom would come to our room and stay till the fight starts so kids may see how bad their mother is. I never forgave her for this. I would forgive her if she had asked for forgiveness but during our short conversations on a phone she tried to convince me that she literally newer touched me. I was not patient with my kids, I was not as bad as my mom but I wasn't good...And I asked my children for forgiveness many times and we have a strong and happy family now. I got 2 granddaughters (1 and almost 2y.o.) and we all agreed that no physical punishment is acceptable. We are not even raising voices! The older baby is "mine", she and her parents are our neighbors next door literally. Sharing backyard. I watch after her M-F free of charge

 

[Musia]

I would think being abused might make one more likely to abuse.

For sure in my case. Not happy about it at all.

 

[Musia]

One of the reasons I love Judaism is their way of raising and educating children. Their way of supporting each other, helping young families. Here is the reading that helped me a lot, I used to read many articles on parenting when my older grandbaby was born. https://www.chabad.org/society/default_cdo/aid/132514/jewish/Community-Family.htm

 

[Rubymal]

In my early 30's, I did not get spanked that often as a child, but it did happen every now and then. Our (my sibling and my) usual punishment was that we'd have to kneel on the hard kitchen floor on our knees for what seemed like eternity- and think about what we did wrong.

 

[AprilBaby]

Boomer. I was the good child, oldest, never got in trouble because of fear, but I got hit with a wooden spoon for any reason stepmom could think of. Once I got belted by my dad. Slapped across the face numerous times by stepmom for “ talking back”. She was young with no kids and inherited a full time 6 and 4 yr old. She was raised by abusive stepmother. What that woman did to her was even worse. It would make you sick. She did not spank her own kids when she had them. I actually hold no grudge. She bit off more than she could chew.

 

[jaysonsmom]

I was a pretty good child, and rarely got punished. If my dad raised his voice for any reason (like getting us to clean up a messy room), I'd duck past him, and do as I was told. In my teens, I started talking back (mostly to my mom) or occasionally hanging out with my friends and not informing my parents were I was. Punishment in my teens was mostly kneeling in a corner, facing the wall to reflect on my wrong-doings, or taking privileges away, like not allowing me to go to certain parties, or taking allowances away. I recall only one physical incident, where my dad threw a text book at my face because I "borrowed" this text book from a boy who dropped it off by my house, and my dad caught us flirting by the gate in front of my house.

I used to feel like my parents had double standards, and my younger brother was punished in a more physical way, he often got smacked with a yard stick or clothes hanger because he was running wild with this friends, destroying things in the house, or beating me up. However now that I think of the "bad" thing he did, compared to me.....I was the good kid.

 

[LemonMoonLex]

Nope.
I'd be a crappy parent.
I'm too selfish, and too psychologically F-ed up from my abusive childhood.
Unfortunately my sister had a kid, who had two kids.
I'll just say, the pain continues.

Actually my sister had two kids.
The first was from when my father raped her when she was 16.
She ran away and gave that baby up for adoption.

This is probably the worst thing you could ever do...
I'm so sorry your sister went through this. Being raped is having your soul torn from your body; it is a violent murder of the soul and to have your own father, your own creator who was supposed to love and protect you violate you......
I hope he was reported and punished for his actions and that your sister has had a semblance of peace and time to process it all.
Although sadly whats more likely because we dont have an infrastructure thats set up to really help rape survivors and put away rapists...most survivors end up killing themselves or falling to drug addiction. I dont blame them in a way as the pain of dealing with even one rape is pervasive and follows you everywhere.

My heart breaks for her..

 

[LemonMoonLex]

@missy & because some of the things being spoken about here can retrigger someone whos been through childhood trauma I think itd be best to edit the title to include a trigger warning or ask admins to do so.

Im glad that these things are being spoken about though and that PS is a mostly safe place to do so ❤

 

[missy]

@missy & because some of the things being spoken about here can retrigger someone whos been through childhood trauma I think itd be best to edit the title to include a trigger warning or ask admins to do so.

Im glad that these things are being spoken about though and that PS is a mostly safe place to do so ❤

Thank you @TheGarnetGirl, that is a good suggestion.
Just reported the thread asking Ella to edit the title to include a warning it contains sensitive subject matter. It is too late for me to edit the title myself.

 

[ChickityChicken]

Routine punishment would have been a long angry lecture plus a hard long spanking on the bare rear. Once when I was in second grade my toddler brother and I almost burned down our tiny camper dwelling by "warming up" our stuffed animals against the camper heater. you know, the ones that have exposed rods that heat up. We caught the stuffed animals on fire! Both me and my basically baby brother had to sit on our bed for the whole day and got yelled at. I am surprised I was not spanked! Other times I was spanked very hard. The reasons were inconsistent. I do not actually remember being smacked across the face; however, I still have a strong belief that she would have for straight back talk or disrespect. I might just be imagining the sting Or I may have blocked it out. I feared and respected my mother's temper. I tried not to bring it out. One of my little brothers did get spanked alot. Also, Sometimes we would be denied sweets/treats.

 

[ChickityChicken]

Routine punishment would have been a long angry lecture plus a hard long spanking on the bare rear. Once when I was in second grade my toddler brother and I almost burned down our tiny camper dwelling by "warming up" our stuffed animals against the camper heater. you know, the ones that have exposed rods that heat up. We caught the stuffed animals on fire! Both me and my basically baby brother had to sit on our bed for the whole day and got yelled at. I am surprised I was not spanked! Other times I was spanked very hard. The reasons were inconsistent. I do not actually remember being smacked across the face; however, I still have a strong belief that she would have for straight back talk or disrespect. I might just be imagining the sting Or I may have blocked it out. I feared and respected my mother's temper. I tried not to bring it out. One of my little brothers did get spanked alot. Also, Sometimes we would be denied sweets/treats.

Also, interestingly, My baby brother 18 years my jr has whole different experience with Mom. She is calm and helpful. Her husband does not believe in spanking or even yelling or cursing and yelling . My baby brother has been spanked by his father once for outright disrespect after three warnings. That's it. Mom's mother beat her regularly and her father belted her and her sibling as punishment. I have spanked my children on the rear with my hand. But Mostly lecture them, try to give them alternative ways of acting in the future, or use what they like a currency for problem behaviors. My grandfather threatened a few times and once actually took out his belt to discipline one of my kids who has violent Oppositional behavior. I just took him by the hand and led him to another room after I looked at my grandfather and told him to put that way.

 

[AV_]

Nothing [so you can wave a finger at me & I'll blanch.]


-

I cannot push the 'Like' buttons here & I do that for news of war & chaos & worse elsewhere [just clippings] ,(

 

[1ofakind]

I wonder if our parents read the same “How not to raise a child book”?

My parents also read this book. We had a rough and abusive upbringing. Verbally, physically, emotionally, deprivation, neglect....they checked all the boxes with the exception of sexual abuse. For that I am very grateful. I have experienced genuine hunger (sometimes we just didn't have food and sometimes withholding food was a punishment) but my dad never missed a cigarette. My older brother got a little more abuse...he was difficult. Even at a young age I recognized this and would sometimes 'confess' and take a punishment on his behalf just to give him a break. Punishments almost always would result in welts and bruises...depending on the implement used. The alternative was that we were all lined up and beaten until someone admitted to whatever wrong doing my parents were upset about. They didn't really care who did it...but someone was going to get punished. Sometimes the offenses were things like eating a slice of bread, not flushing a toilet, not pulling the screen door until it it closed tight. My brother made a smart @ss comment to my dad once and my dad hit him with a wire brush that embedded in his abdomen leaving 1000 punctures. It was horrific. I helped him pull it out a little bit at a time and wash/bandage it. We were not yet in 5th grade. We all have scars. The worst thing was the totally random smacks and punches. I never felt safe within arms reach of my parents. I flinched when they came close unexpectedly. I don't ever recall a hug or a touch that didn't hurt. My dad especially seemed to resent our very existence. My youngest sister experienced the least abuse and doesn't remember when it was really really bad.
I went to school even when I was sick. Anything was better than being at home.
We had no social life, no one ever came to our house so the isolation was a compounding factor.
I had a strong sense even as a young child that this would not be my life and if I could get old enough to get out I would not repeat any of that. I am well aware how hard it is for children raised in abuse/dysfunction to escape and live fulfilling and functional lives. I am blessed.

I am truly, truly sorry to read stories of those who suffered similarly or worse. I pray that we all find peace.

I am truly, truly happy for those who never experienced abuse at the hands of their parents. We all deserve that.

However terrible, my experiences have made me the person I am. I can't separate it. I am strong, confident, have faith in a God I believe preserved and enlightened me enough to survive my upbringing and thrive as an adult. My children know a lot about my childhood but have never experienced any of what I did. I am one of the lucky ones and remember that every day. My experience with childhood hunger is why I am involved in programs that help feed kids with food insecurity. I wish I could do more.

 

[Volute]

My parents also read this book. We had a rough and abusive upbringing. Verbally, physically, emotionally, deprivation, neglect....they checked all the boxes with the exception of sexual abuse. For that I am very grateful. I have experienced genuine hunger (sometimes we just didn't have food and sometimes withholding food was a punishment) but my dad never missed a cigarette. My older brother got a little more abuse...he was difficult. Even at a young age I recognized this and would sometimes 'confess' and take a punishment on his behalf just to give him a break. Punishments almost always would result in welts and bruises...depending on the implement used. The alternative was that we were all lined up and beaten until someone admitted to whatever wrong doing my parents were upset about. They didn't really care who did it...but someone was going to get punished. Sometimes the offenses were things like eating a slice of bread, not flushing a toilet, not pulling the screen door until it it closed tight. My brother made a smart @ss comment to my dad once and my dad hit him with a wire brush that embedded in his abdomen leaving 1000 punctures. It was horrific. I helped him pull it out a little bit at a time and wash/bandage it. We were not yet in 5th grade. We all have scars. The worst thing was the totally random smacks and punches. I never felt safe within arms reach of my parents. I flinched when they came close unexpectedly. I don't ever recall a hug or a touch that didn't hurt. My dad especially seemed to resent our very existence. My youngest sister experienced the least abuse and doesn't remember when it was really really bad.
I went to school even when I was sick. Anything was better than being at home.
We had no social life, no one ever came to our house so the isolation was a compounding factor.
I had a strong sense even as a young child that this would not be my life and if I could get old enough to get out I would not repeat any of that. I am well aware how hard it is for children raised in abuse/dysfunction to escape and live fulfilling and functional lives. I am blessed.

I am truly, truly sorry to read stories of those who suffered similarly or worse. I pray that we all find peace.

I am truly, truly happy for those who never experienced abuse at the hands of their parents. We all deserve that.

However terrible, my experiences have made me the person I am. I can't separate it. I am strong, confident, have faith in a God I believe preserved and enlightened me enough to survive my upbringing and thrive as an adult. My children know a lot about my childhood but have never experienced any of what I did. I am one of the lucky ones and remember that every day. My experience with childhood hunger is why I am involved in programs that help feed kids with food insecurity. I wish I could do more.

I am so, so very sorry 1ofakind. Thank you for sharing your story. May I say that it's extremely touching that you've come out of that experience with greater empathy for children dealing with food insecurity? I imagine that being involved with these programs must be healing.

 

[Volute]

For sure in my case. Not happy about it at all.

I'm so sorry Musia. Hugs to you. I think this is such a brave admission.