When you were a child **sensitive topic**

[maita13]

This thread is so heart wrenching...when reading your stories, I wanted to reply but found that I didn’t have the words...so I just pressed the “like” button instead. Please know @kenny, @1ofakind, @SandyinAnaheim, @mellowyellowgirl, @Musia, @Daisys and Diamonds, @SallyB (sincerest apologies to whomever else I missed) that I admire your courage in sharing your stories, and opening your hearts to love and all it and the world has to offer (apologies for sounding cheesy but I don’t quite know how to articulate how I felt when reading your stories).

Anyone who had to endure that much pain and be able to break the cycle should have everyone’s utmost respect and admiration. Not that it matters,
but you all have mine.

The tightest and warmest hugs to all of you

 

[kenny]

Easy to say.

 

[kenny]

I haven't opened this thread since posting about my dad raping and impregnated my 16 yo sister.
I've tried to reconnect with her.

I loved her more than anyone ever in my life, and anyone since.
But she knows I know, so she doesn't return phone calls.
I've seen here maybe twice in the last 40 years.
I understand why.

Because I know, connecting with her brings up for her unspeakable pain.
She even has no recollection of the house we rented when it happened.

Frankly, I feel nauseated coming back to the thread.
I got to the above post and had to stop reading.

I don't think I will open it again, but I wanted to thank all you thoughtful people who have posted support.

One thing I learned in years of psychoanalysis is the importance ending your dark secret by telling your story.
Still, it's hard.

Please be good to your kids.
If you see child abuse, report it no matter how close to you the abuser is.

 

[Begonia]

Easy to say.

No, it wasn't easy to say. Not. At. All. It wasn't easy to do (break the cycle), or at least I've tried my damndest to. Only time will tell as my son's approach adulthood. If it doesn't resonate with you, so be it, but it describes my struggle to leave behind my family's generational abuse/ behaviour patterns to a T. Every damn minute of every damn day I worked carefully to not only not use physical force but to not use psychological abuse and manipulation. I spent every night praying (yes I pray) and talking with hubbie and thinking about the best way to handle the next day of raising 2 boys who will become men. Then came the counselling. Having children is the hardest thing I've ever done, but having successful, healthy relationships with 3 men, first my husband and now my lads has been my greatest triumph and joy.
I hope the Good Lord sees fit to have me lead a long life so I can see the next generation.

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

After all the negative things I've posted in this thread I just wanted to share something upbeat.

My son lost his first tooth this week. This is what the tooth fairy sent him. I've always felt that if I could survive my childhood with my sister in tow, I could be any kind of mother I wanted to be. This is the mother I want to be.

 

[AGBF]

After all the negative things I've posted in this thread I just wanted to share something upbeat.

My son lost his first tooth this week. This is what the tooth fairy sent him. I've always felt that if I could survive my childhood with my sister in tow, I could be any kind of mother I wanted to be. This is the mother I want to be.

What a wonderful, imaginative note! You sound like one heck of a mother to spend all that time on your son's tooth fairy! You didn't just shove some cash under his pillow.

Deb

 

[KKJohnson]

My mother was very abusive to her 3 kids, enough so that once my older brother got bigger then her he would hit back (even when she was pregnant with me), older sister started doing drugs and became a stripper at 15, and I put a butcher knife under my pillow at 8 years old. Too much abuse to really talk about but yeah you can figure out how bad it had to be for all that to happen. We have all made our peace with each other and get along fine, she understands what she did was terrible and says she just didn’t know better (cycle of abusive).

I also had a 2nd grade teacher who would hit students and seat them next to a another student who was molesting his classmates, let me tell ya I had real fun childhood.

 

[Queenie60]

To everyone that posted their tragic childhood on this thread - one thing I learned in therapy many years ago that what happened was not my fault. I unfortunately was born to terrible, bad people. My children have never met my mother or anyone on my side of the family for that matter. It's sad however, I know that it is my responsibility to keep them safe as I was not able to keep myself safe as a child, just survive. I feel mentally healthy as an adult as I dealt with the trauma on my own via therapy at a young age. I am grateful to god that I was able to find peace and happiness as a young adult and have enjoyed a happy and healthy marriage with my husband and we have done our best to raise our children in a peaceful and well balanced home. This to me is the ultimate survival and my motto is "I will not allow the memory of what they did to me bring me down, I'm the winner here and I refuse to allow them to win." Peace

 

[mom2dolls]

Sending many hugs to each of you.
I was beaten as a child. I am youngest of three and my mom pretty much took out her frustration on me. I was hit with belts, wooden spoons, paint stirrers and anything she could get her hands on. She was displeased with how I cleaned our linen closet one afternoon and smacked my face so hard she broke my nose. It’s still pretty crooked to this day.
My oldest used to paint her bedroom walls with her poop. She would turn into poltergeist when we went shopping to get baby sister diapers and formula.
I never spanked in anger, ever. I would sit outside her room on the floor and cry rather than touch her in anger.
My youngest was the sweetest toddler. She was never spanked. She truly never needed to be. We all joke with her now that that is why she is such a stinker as a teenager .

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

No, it wasn't easy to say. Not. At. All. It wasn't easy to do (break the cycle), or at least I've tried my damndest to. Only time will tell as my son's approach adulthood. If it doesn't resonate with you, so be it, but it describes my struggle to leave behind my family's generational abuse/ behaviour patterns to a T. Every damn minute of every damn day I worked carefully to not only not use physical force but to not use psychological abuse and manipulation. I spent every night praying (yes I pray) and talking with hubbie and thinking about the best way to handle the next day of raising 2 boys who will become men. Then came the counselling. Having children is the hardest thing I've ever done, but having successful, healthy relationships with 3 men, first my husband and now my lads has been my greatest triumph and joy.
I hope the Good Lord sees fit to have me lead a long life so I can see the next generation.

I really and most genuinely commend you for making the effort and succeeding in not using physiological abuse and manipulation
Best wishes to you and your family

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

My mother was very abusive to her 3 kids, enough so that once my older brother got bigger then her he would hit back (even when she was pregnant with me), older sister started doing drugs and became a stripper at 15, and I put a butcher knife under my pillow at 8 years old. Too much abuse to really talk about but yeah you can figure out how bad it had to be for all that to happen. We have all made our peace with each other and get along fine, she understands what she did was terrible and says she just didn’t know better (cycle of abusive).

I also had a 2nd grade teacher who would hit students and seat them next to a another student who was molesting his classmates, let me tell ya I had real fun childhood.

Mother issues aside what on earth was wrong with that teacher ?

 

[strawrose]

I got hit. Most of the time, it was because I defended myself against my brother and we’d both get punished for it. I wonder if the frequency would’ve been less if he didn’t bully me? At least it taught me how to fight people who didn’t expect it.

a side note: it took therapy and moving out to forgive my parents. I learned that they do love me but have an extremely difficult time understanding what controlling behavior is. Even now, being able to hang up the phone is a godsend. I broke the cycle of emotional and physical abuse by acknowledging that I, too, can be controlling if I don’t check myself.

 

[1ofakind]

@mellowyellowgirl I love the toothfairy note so much!! Especially when she asks about his nickname..very sweet of you and creative.

 

[Begonia]

I really and most genuinely commend you for making the effort and succeeding in not using physiological abuse and manipulation
Best wishes to you and your family

Thank you DandD. Coming from you, that means more than I can say. Much love sister

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

Honestly everybody is way too nice here to have had to have been subjected to any sort of bull s**t as a kid

 

[SandyinAnaheim]

My parents also read this book. We had a rough and abusive upbringing. Verbally, physically, emotionally, deprivation, neglect....they checked all the boxes with the exception of sexual abuse. For that I am very grateful. I have experienced genuine hunger (sometimes we just didn't have food and sometimes withholding food was a punishment) but my dad never missed a cigarette.....We all have scars....My dad especially seemed to resent our very existence...

However terrible, my experiences have made me the person I am. I can't separate it. I am strong, confident, have faith in a God I believe preserved and enlightened me enough to survive my upbringing and thrive as an adult....

Exactly this. I also believe those experiences and being on my own so young have made me extremely resilient and strong. Kudos to you for not having broken under the abuse.

...But life is like this....the good, the bad and the ugly. I got a share of ugly, no fault of my own. I didn't deserve it nor am I ashamed of it.

If it will help at all that post is not my whole story. I live a happy and fulfilled life. I have no regrets, no anger, mostly no sadness anymore. When I am sad it is from missing something I never had. I was sad when my mom died never feeling like she needed to make amends....

And this. @1ofakind Trading your Mom for my Dad, he refused to make amends even though I was the only one by his side during those two weeks before he passed. I asked to have THE TALK, but he was too cowardly to have it, and robbed me of closure. But I do miss him. He could have been my savior. I feel the same as you, but I don't feel sadness....I think it's more like regret for me. I regret that he wasn't man enough to admit his mistakes and the damages he directly caused to his children, and that he chose not rectify it while he still could. I'm so glad you're happy and thriving despite being victimized.

...Rest assured that in my case my childhood never broke me. That honour was left to a golden retriever who never ever once growled or barked at me but boy did he do at number on me and broke my heart...

@mellowyellowgirl I feel the exact same way.

...The girlfriend openly disliked my brother and me. Said so repeatedly. Resented everything including needing to provide two or 4 meals a month to us. Visiting there meant being cold, hungry, scared, and made fun of. Staying home meant being scared and uncomfortable. My step father didn't like us either, especially me. He didn't try to hide it.

@TooPatient I experienced this too. My father's second wife pretended we were family, which I was ecstatic over. That lasted until they got married. The way you and your siblings were treated is just disgraceful. I don't understand how a father could allow situations like ours to happen, just for a lousy piece of a$$...

 

[SandyinAnaheim]

@Volute @Daisys and Diamonds @1ofakind @LLJsmom @Sparkles88 @mellowyellowgirl Thank you all so much for your kind words and understanding. I deeply appreciate it.

Sandy, this is just one of the worst stories of abuse I have ever heard and actually reminds me a lot of what happened to my daughter's fiancé. Being locked in an antique wood trunk is just like his being locked in a toy box. Your struggle with the heat, and to breathe, is so vivid. And kneeling on gravel doesn't sound benign. In the past mothers used to make children kneel on rice as penance. It is very painful. Everything you went through was hell. But of course I relate the most to your mother taking your dog from you. I could never have forgiven that, no matter what else I forgave.

I am so very sorry for the hell you lived through. I wish you much love, especially from dogs, but also from reliable humans.

@AGBF I REALLY wish this were true!!! For a loooong time I didn't personally know anyone who had gone through the ordeals I had, or even close. Then in 1992 I got a job working as a paralegal for the senior counsel of the Department of Health and Rehabilitative Services (Child and Protective Services). I had no idea what I was getting myself into...that job lasted less than a month. I just couldn't do it!! I didn't realize it then, but reading and learning about all the abuse cases, and then having to DEFEND the social workers and the Department that put those children BACK into their abusive homes, was overwhelmingly triggering. That was when I realized that although my childhood was lamentable and painful, it was positively IDYLLIC by comparison to what others go through, and don't survive. My mother was Mrs. Cleaver in comparison to the monstrous cruelties other humans inflict on helpless children.

The one case that just pushed me over the edge was the story of Bradley McGee. Reading the file and seeing the autopsy photos threw me into a severe tailspin. The linked article covers the basic points, but it was so much more severe. That's when I came to understand that what I went through, although cruel, could have been a lot worse!!

I never forgave my mother for Rex, or for so many other things she perpetrated on me while I was dependent and defenseless. Thank you Deb.

I know I'm mega sensitive at the moment as we had to have our 17 and a half year old golden retriever cross put down last week but the wonderful instinctive Max being put down for aggression must be the ultimate irony. Thank goodness for pets. And even though we may grieve their loss when they go (unashamedly more than for many humans we lose) we can be comforted by the fact that they gave us something profoundly special. Wishing you all the best Sandy.

@Polished I'm dreadfully sorry for the loss of your furbaby....I know that pain all too well. And you're right, their love and devotion is profoundly special. Thank you.

@SandyinAnaheim I am so sorry. What a horror. And your bond with Rex. I am so so sorry for your great loss. There truly are no words adequate to express how sad and angry and devastated I feel for what you went through. I agree. There are evil human beings in this world and the people you grew up with were evil. The fact that you made it through that is a testament to your strength and spirit and humanity. You embody the definition of humanity IMO for all you do for the animals.

I am sending you virtual hugs and I don't know if you can feel them or feel my positive energy going to you but I am sending bucketloads of good vibes your way. For all the horror and bad you experienced you gave it/give it back with so much good for the furry babies. You took the worst of circumstances and turned it around to making the best of it and doing so much good for the most needy.

You already know I think you are amazing but it is always worth repeating. You are an awesome human being in a world of crap*y human beings.

(((HUGS))).

And lots of purry love from my furry babies to you and yours.

Thank you so much @missy Your words mean a lot to me. Hugs right back. I think I feel so much for animals because they're the only ones that have never betrayed me, and they are abused even more than children. I see children and animals as being similar insofar as their vulnerability to the actions of other humans. And this is going to sound weird, but I also feel a strong kinship because in MANY cases, pets are on the outside looking in, wondering why they are not included in the family activities. That's how I felt my whole childhood, especially when visiting my father/step-monster. She made it a point to exclude me from being involved with my father and her three kids. I felt just like a dog sitting outside a sliding glass door, watching and wanting to be inside, surrounded by the warmth of family, even though I was sitting right there.

 

[1ofakind]

Trading your Mom for my Dad, he refused to make amends even though I was the only one by his side during those two weeks before he passed. I asked to have THE TALK, but he was too cowardly to have it, and robbed me of closure.

I am sorry you don't feel like you have closure. I think most of us won't get any from the peopel who hurt us...it's up to us to find that peace.
I have done so with my mom by knowing I did right by her all my life. I gave more than she deserved. Sometimes it was not even about her...it was about the person I wanted to be, the example for my kids that even damaged people should not be abandoned. I fully understand others may need to make another choice and there is no judgement there. I can only credit God with giving me the strength. I hope you do find closure one day...somehow. You deserve to allow yourself that much.

I know my dad won't have anything to say. He's been close to death twice already and he just wanted to talk about an episode of Gunsmoke. And he's already told me he's leaving everything to my sister. I'm actually glad about that...it will mean something to her and I've already cleaned out mom's hoard....it's sisters turn!! That will be my closure I guess.

 

[sunseeker101]

Hello ladies. I haven’t got much to report on the actual topic, but I’ll say this, the reading makes a most compelling case for never accepting the superficial view of families with children. If there was going to be any force to interrupt this most egregious denial of a child’s right to live and grow in peace, as Kenny says, it would take unwelcome interference to achieve it... But anything is better than this type of outcome for a kid.

For the people detailing their abuse as helpless children: There isn’t a hell hot enough to do justice to those who hurt a kid, any kid, let alone their own flesh and blood. It’s just... against humanity.

 

[missy]

I think I feel so much for animals because they're the only ones that have never betrayed me, and they are abused even more than children. I see children and animals as being similar insofar as their vulnerability to the actions of other humans. And this is going to sound weird, but I also feel a strong kinship because in MANY cases, pets are on the outside looking in, wondering why they are not included in the family activities.

I feel the same. Animals are family. The best of family IMO.

My heart goes out to everyone who went through such awful abuse. The animals are innocent just like the children and my heart hurts for animals and children alike. Animals are the best of family and the most pure of heart. And I too feel a special relationship with them.

Sandy, I am not good at expressing myself on paper but I hope I conveyed how wonderful and special I think you are and how in awe I am of who you are after going through all you experienced. Yes, your experiences helped shape you and made you who you are today and it is a testament to your strength of character and how special you are. Thank you for all you do for the animals.

 

[KKJohnson]

Mother issues aside what on earth was wrong with that teacher ?

Great question, I recently sent that school district a message about it but haven’t heard anything

 

[Begonia]

Here's one small milestone in being a cycle breaker. My younger sons graduation from High School today.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

Reading this thread makes me wonder about all the kids i went to school with and what everyone's home life was like

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

And this is going to sound weird, but I also feel a strong kinship because in MANY cases, pets are on the outside looking in, wondering why they are not included in the family activities.

This comment really resonates with me in terms of how I feel about the doggo.

She's old, we're paranoid about her back and legs and stairs so we have a policy where if everyone is home someone must be on the same floor with her.

She very very much thinks she's a real girl and it makes her happy to be treated as such. I wish you could see her face when she lines up with my son's friends for treats when I host play dates. Or the OUTRAGE on her face if one of the kids pushes in front of her. She's too well behaved to do anything but the look on her face as she "tattles" on them is hilarious (FYI anyone who pushes in gets served last).

I actually had a lot of issues raising the dogs when I first got them. Again not in the way you would think.

The fact that they were helpless and perceived to be downtrodden (by me) meant that I was always feeling perpetual guilt towards them and then would over compensate for that guilt that should not exist.

I was very fortunate to have very soft Goldens who just look petulant but were not affected by my initial shoddy parenting.

 

[AGBF]

Yeah. I have dog issues, too, @mellowyellowgirl. I took them apart when I was analyzing my defense mechanisms. I combine a reaction formation, which are unconscious aggressive impulses towards my younger brother which I turned into their opposite: doting, loving feelings (towards dogs with identification. I see myself as the poor, abused dog who is left alone, unprotected, unfed, unloved (as I felt I was by my parents).

"The psychoanalytical theory that as a defense mechanism, an individual will respond to unacceptable or threatening unconscious impulses by exhibiting (in their conscious actions) the opposite. For example, a subject vulnerable to abhorrent sexual desire may preach against such practices in the community".



REACTION FORMATION: "Reaction formation may explain why a parent who unconsciously does not care deeply for a child will smother that child with toys and attention."

PRIMARY IDENTIFICATION: "In theory, only infants can experience primary identification."
A theory in Psychoanalysis addressing the initial and fundamental for of identification. The theory is that primary identification occurs during the oral stage of development when a nursing infant is not aware that he and his mother are separate beings. After weaning, this awareness comes into focus. Closely tied to oral incorporation, it is also called primary narcissistic identification.

The result is that I love dogs, cannot bear abuse of animals, and often used to say that I should have been a social worker for dogs, not people, although I loved being a social worker for people.

 

[MissGotRocks]

It is horrifying to read of so much abuse to so many. Just no words to express my sympathy or appreciation for how far many of you have traveled to try to overcome these deep seated hurts. I was spanked occasionally as a child but nothing close to abuse. It is just hard to fathom using your children as whipping posts or worse. I am sure mental illness does play a large part in these behaviors as well but still. . .it is heartbreaking to hear of the fear and pain. Bless you all.

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

Here's one small milestone in being a cycle breaker. My younger sons graduation from High School today.

Love this!

It makes me ridiculously happy to know that they got to see each other and take this photo!!!!!!!

 

[Begonia]

Totally. Ya tell 'em to back up and then they huddled. It's been 4 months since they've all seen each other, and were so happy to have a couple of minutes to reconnect. They backed away again quickly.

 

[1ofakind]

Since I mentioned it earlier in this thread I thought I would come back with some happy news too. The supplemental food program needs to take July off but for for the last school year (including summer extension) we packed over 35,000 weekend meal bags. For 3 months during the shut down there were only 3 of us doing it. Because we had to scale down the process and increase production we now have a system in which we can pack around 900 meals in 2 hours with 8-9 people. During the month off we will use leftover/full size items to fill neighborhood little pantries. For those kids who really need it...I am glad to have helped.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

@Emerald City not sure if you have seen this thread or not ?