When you were a child **sensitive topic**

[Arcadian]

I am very sorry that so many of you were abused at the hands of those who were supposed to love and protect you.

My mother and father put everything into us because they wanted so much more for us than they had or could achieve.

And, I want to say something; I wasn't trying to make light of real abuse. My father suffered from real abuse in childhood that I'm surprised he was willing to even HAVE kids (my mom told me what she knew and its heartbreaking)

My friend who came to stay with us for a time when I was a freshman in high school (he came out to his parents and they put him out) told me to always cherish what I had. There has been more than a few times my parents opened our home to friends who needed a place to live. My parents just would open their doors, their hearts. They mothered and fathered quite a few kids that weren't blood. When I look back, my parents were (while not perfect) methodical in how they raised us. Not perfect but, they adjusted to who we were as individuals.

Its always interesting when I'm there visiting, when I see how my siblings greet my parents which is mostly with a big bear hug. We don't do that with each other mind you...lol but with the parents, absolutely.

 

[1ofakind]

I appreciate so much those that have shared their stories. It is sad and horrible but shows strength and courage to acknowledge how we’ve been able to move on and also the ways in which it will have a life long impact. For those who can’t share...my heart goes out to you as well, knowing the pain unexpressed is so very real and the wounds just too deep. May we all find peace somehow.

Thank you for those who have shared kind words and support. None of us asked for this and while the physical pain and bruises have faded the memories and emotional pain remain. Your words are soothing and appreciated. It gives me hope that people out there care although there was no one to intervene in most cases. That is the really tragic part. We were IN THE SYSTEM. My parents gave away my brother when he was 10...told the state to take him, they just didn't want him anymore. But they left the rest of us in the home. To this day I do not understand how this happened...and continues to happen. It should not be that hard to protect children. I had an uncle a few years ago apologize to me...said he knew all and was sorry for what we went through. I had no words. I can't believe he never did anything...he was my favorite and most normal uncle. I had assumed he didn't know.

 

[AGBF]

I appreciate so much those that have shared their stories. It is sad and horrible but shows strength and courage to acknowledge how we’ve been able to move on and also the ways in which it will have a life long impact. For those who can’t share...my heart goes out to you as well, knowing the pain unexpressed is so very real and the wounds just too deep. May we all find peace somehow.

Thank you for those who have shared kind words and support. None of us asked for this and while the physical pain and bruises have faded the memories and emotional pain remain. Your words are soothing and appreciated. It gives me hope that people out there care although there was no one to intervene in most cases. That is the really tragic part. We were IN THE SYSTEM. My parents gave away my brother when he was 10...told the state to take him, they just didn't want him anymore. But they left the rest of us in the home. To this day I do not understand how this happened...and continues to happen. It should not be that hard to protect children. I had an uncle a few years ago apologize to me...said he knew all and was sorry for what we went through. I had no words. I can't believe he never did anything...he was my favorite and most normal uncle. I had assumed he didn't know.

There are no words, 1ofakind. When I have spoken to you on line I had no idea who you were or what kind of life you had led. I want to apologize now for being less than respectful. It is so true that we never know what kind of day the other person we meet in the street is having or what kind of burdens he is dealing with.

Hugs,
Deb

 

[1ofakind]

@mellowyellowgirl They think you stole your son?!?! Wow...I can't even imagine. Do they interact with your kids at all?
I think my mom made up her own reality as a coping mechanism initially and I do think she believed it most if not all of the time. There were opportunities for the truth to peek through but over the years her false reality became even stronger. She would tell different people different things though and as long as they never met it was OK. Once anyone started to figure her out she would just never speak to them again, erase them from her life. Trying to notify people after her death was interesting...I heard a lot of stories about myself that I didn't even know she was telling. Ugh.
My dad could be an aspie...he's always right, he always knows what is best, he will defend even the most absurd point of view just because. He's mostly anti-social. He breaks people into odd class groupings by educational level, wealth, etc. But he mostly looks down on those he thinks are in a higher class. It's bizarre. He has mellowed with age but he's still mean. I'm sure he doesn't like me because I'm not in his 'class' anymore.

 

[1ofakind]

@AGBF No apologies needed. I assure you, it is nearly impossible to hurt my feelings. I don't take things personally..I could not function if I did. I count that as a positive result of my upbringing...I just don't let it happen.
And thank you but I really am OK now. I don't talk about these things often as it is so far removed from my life now but I can admit it has been hard to read these stories and let the feelings come back. I remember thinking as a child that it could be worse...it helped me cope in the moment. Reading these stories knowing that it was truly so much for some kids brings me to tears for them.

 

[Niffler75]

I have read everyone's accounts with tears in my eyes. The compassion and strength in the PS community makes me feel humbled and so happy I have found my way here.
Sending love and sincere best wishes to everyone impacted by these issues! x

 

[Musia]

Here are my granddaughters today. The older is our closest neighbor, we share a wall and a backyard. The younger lives not far from us. Having fun on Father's Day. They were born 9 months apart from each other and hopefully will be BFF. Hope they will love all the jewelry that their Bubbe Musia makes for them with the help of sweet ladies and kind gentlemen on PS I am glad I can help to raise both of them in completely different environment, my soul is in a process of healing now. The mom of the older girl was emotionally abused as a child and teenager. The father of the younger one grew up seeing his parents arguing all the time. His parents divorced when he and his younger sister were 16 and 14y.o. Both kids stayed with their father. Both parents are very great persons, just couldn't be together. My grandbabies are lucky to have a loving family and I am extremely proud of my children as a first time parents. I feel for each of you who suffered an abuse as a child. I am pleased to read happy stories a lot! And I am thankful for support and understanding you expressed for each other. Love you all!

 

[AGBF]

Here are my granddaughters today.

What gorgeous, healthy children! Hearty congratulations, Grandma!

 

[Musia]

Maybe I should add that my daughter in law decided not to tell her parents and siblings as well as her other family members that she has a child. I am sad because my older baby doesn't know her beautiful and lovely twin cousins, a girl and a boy who are only 7 and a half months younger than she. And maybe her Aunt and 2 Uncles could be a great addition to her family. And maybe her other Bubbe and Didya (Didya is her word for Didus', Ukrainian for grandfather) could be loving grandparents to her. They are great with their 2 other grandchildren! But...I think the emotional abuse was way too bad and my daughter in law is just unable to forgive her parents and have them in her family life (they didn't approve her marriage to my son, they weren't present at their wedding).

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

@1ofakind may I ask what happened to your brother? Did you guys ever see him again? I understand if you can't answer though.

Mine see my son maybe three times a year with me presentb in the same room. All very civilized.

See I don't know if they really think I bought him from somewhere! Or if they only say that as an insult, or that they don't remember saying it most of the time and it only comes out when they're angry. She accuses me of it when she's in a mood but then it's like it never happened if she's not having a fit. It's all very strange.

I'm at a stage where it's so strange that nothing phases me anymore. Helping them fill out one form can result in my mother crying about my husband beating me and hiding all the money. It's so very very very bizzare that at some point you just don't get upset but rather I start to wonder what she will come up with next.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

@1ofakind may I ask what happened to your brother? Did you guys ever see him again? I understand if you can't answer though.

Mine see my son maybe three times a year with me presentb in the same room. All very civilized.

See I don't know if they really think I bought him from somewhere! Or if they only say that as an insult, or that they don't remember saying it most of the time and it only comes out when they're angry. She accuses me of it when she's in a mood but then it's like it never happened if she's not having a fit. It's all very strange.

I'm at a stage where it's so strange that nothing phases me anymore. Helping them fill out one form can result in my mother crying about my husband beating me and hiding all the money. It's so very very very bizzare that at some point you just don't get upset but rather I start to wonder what she will come up with next.

I would move to Tazzie if i were you
That's kinda what i did
Move to another island to get away from family

i just joined facebook to stay in touch with a couple of my Bruce friends and a whole bunch of people came out of the woodwork - im ignoring them

Edit
Or Perth
That's like another country

 

[1ofakind]

@mellowyellowgirl
I don’t mind. My older brother was given up and my dad was furious because he still had to pay the state $25 out of every paycheck. He was in several foster homes and the first year we were in the same school district so I got to see him. They tried some family weekend and holiday visits and even a few weeks one summer in an attempt to see if he could come home. It never went well. After that long summer visit failed he never came home again. The holiday/weekend visits stopped and we never heard from him. I don’t know if my parents had a way to contact him but they never did or tried. He graduated a year after me although he should have been a year ahead so he failed a few years. I think I went to his high school graduation.
After that he floundered around and ended up using drugs, in a cult for a while, followed some weird religious rituals for a while...always looking for something but never finding it. He’s been on and off homeless, living in communes sometimes, he lived in an art studio for a while, tent camps etc. I think right now he is living with friends helping them renovate the house for room and board. He has 2 daughters I have never met. We talk once or twice a year and he does still see my dad. He’s been on full medical disabilty for a while now...some mental illness diagnosis but I don’t know the details.
He really REALLY hated my mom. If he had ever come home I think he could have killed her. He offered to do a DIY cremation when she died....and he was serious. He had done all the research...probably had been saving firewood for a while. He truly believed it would have been therapeutic for him to burn her body.

It was traumatic for us kids when he was sent away. Especially for my younger brother. We haven’t heard from him in 20+ years. I know where he is. I stalk him online occasionally. He joined the Army after high school and left everything behind. He had served 1 or 2 tours in Afghanistan and has been in the reserves in the honor guard since. He has beautiful twin boys who look just like him....the pictures make me cry thinking of the little boy who was my brother. I have messaged him a few times over the years but he never answers. I don’t know if he even sees the messages. I am sad about that but understand and hope he is happy. I could probably try to contact him through his reserve unit but I am hesitant...he could contact me if he wanted to. I do not want to disrupt the life he has built for himself. My dad is convinced he is part of some secret military unit and that is why he can’t talk to us. My mom cried endlessly over him and often talked of going to find him. I never told my parents or siblings that I know where he is or that he has a family. I feel like that would be a huge breach of trust....in case he ever does feel like he wants me to be in his life. I miss him.

My youngest sister escaped most of the physical abuse but she is emotionally scarred and immature. We do keep in contact but the relationship is limited. She married a man who isn’t much better than my dad regarding emotional/verbal abuse. To my knowledge there isn’t any major physical abuse but he is a huge, mean guy. A bully. He spanks and smacks his girls. Nothing to the degree that the state would intervene. My sister and older niece know they could come here if they needed to.

And now I think I will have some wine and chocolate.

 

[Polished]

My story with my mother in law is really mild compared to some of the stories here. Nonetheless there do seem to be some underlying similarities. My mother in law had to have absolute power over every situation which meant that any interaction, whether it was large or small, she'd take control of. For instance if she was leaving our place after a visit, she'd look at me and bark an order such as "prune your roses" in her best authoritarian voice. She could never resist and enjoyed employing power over others, particularly women.

The other thing was that everything was about her and if everything is about you there really is no reason to be sorry or regret your behaviour regarding others. Her sons' marriages weren't about them as much as they were about her. There was zero empathy. She wanted her sons to be married but viewed daughter in laws as complete loose cannons who needed to be "trained" by her. Over the years I think I was advised on what I had to believe, what I had to do, and what I had to think. When you're an adult you can at least go, "yeah whatever love". But I did find it hard when both my parents died and I was told how I had to respond to it. Loss and grieving (which I made a point of not doing in front of her) made her feel uncomfortable. The thought of me loving and missing my parents wasn't something she couldn't take. I think the other daughter in laws copped it worse than I did. We had a therapeutic chat about it all after she'd died.

She was on much firmer ground doing than being. A great cook, an exceptional floral artist. I remember her doing the flowers at my brother's wedding (she did them at ours too) and the room looked like wonderland. Unfortunately unbeknownst to me she took the opportunity to bully my mother (kept up a banter of nastiness) as the vows were being taken. So my mother missed out on the experience of listening to her son marrying the love of his life. Such beauty, such ugliness. My parents put it down to "she's mad". Yes she was but more than that she was nasty - there's such a thing as evil.

I guess the takeaway for me was that the relationship was never real. There was never any dialogue that didn't have some sort of agenda, never a real sharing of views or news. In fact sharing was dangerous business. There was no sense at all of you being a separate human being with a background, views and feelings of your own. One of the last conversations I had with her was after her eldest son had told her to stop talking to his wife the way she was doing and how did she think she'd made X feel. In a moment of pause over this, she rang to me say, "don't take me too seriously". on face value this might seem like contrition and no I didn't take her too seriously but really it was more of the same - her in control - an underlying premise that she could say anything she liked and I had to be obedient as to how I responded to it.

I think she had had a tough childhood - a mother and step father who had a rocky and violent relationship. It clearly made her feel very powerless and she developed a pattern of behaviour of assuming power so she'd never feel powerless again.

 

[KristyDarling]

Interesting topic! I haven't read any other posts in this thread yet and am just jumping in....

I'm a Gen-Xer. My dad was mostly a yeller, but on rare occasions when I was being extra-mouthy, he'd tell me to hold my hand out in front of me, so he could slap it as hard as he could a couple of times. Boy, that hurt!! But that said, I always thought of him as being pretty measured in how he dished out corporal punishment. My sense was that he did it out of a sense of discipline rather than rage.

My mom, on the other hand, was the opposite. She had a white-hot temper that could escalate from 0 to 100 in the blink of an eye. Holy sh!t she could be scary! I remember a few occasions when she would seemingly lose it and transform into a raging out-of-control monster, screaming and chasing me around the house until I was backed into a corner and crouched down in fetal position while she kicked me and beat me with her fists while I sobbed. This happened maybe 3-4 times during my childhood/teen years. It was terrifying and painful. Most other times, she'd "only" slap me in the face or on my body somewhere. She would hit me out of blind rage, and not in a controlled manner like my dad.

That said, I love both my parents deeply. They love their kids (and grandkids) deeply. I attribute their parenting behavior to generational differences. I'm not excusing their behavior but they were doing what was done to them when they were children. They didn't have the knowledge that we have now about the terrible damage that can be caused by corporal punishment. And they didn't have the understanding and tools that we have now to better regulate our emotions. I now understand that my mom was rather underdeveloped emotionally and that's why her "tantrums" were sometimes directed at us kids.

I had an otherwise crazy but happy childhood and I don't look back at those isolated incidents with any bitterness or anger because I understand that my parents were flawed human beings like all of us. My sense of their love for me far outweighed any anger/fear that I may have felt at the time of those incidents, and I don't believe it left any lasting scars.

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

@Daisys and Diamonds I still drop food outside their door sometimes as my son's school is on the way to their place.

They're very miserable people who are stuck in perpetual hell with each other. No one loves them and they haven't ever really loved anyone. They have no friends because everyone has allegedly wronged them. I feel sorry for them sometimes because while my sister and I could grow up and move on, they are still stuck in their hell.

Do I want to be condemned to that fate just so I could dominate and control my kids for two decades? No. As much as I resent them I feel bad that whatever it is going on in their heads has relegated them to this life.

So I drop off food I know they like without any contact because there is no drama that way.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

@Daisys and Diamonds I still drop food outside their door sometimes as my son's school is on the way to their place.

They're very miserable people who are stuck in perpetual hell with each other. No one loves them and they haven't ever really loved anyone. They have no friends because everyone has allegedly wronged them. I feel sorry for them sometimes because while my sister and I could grow up and move on, they are still stuck in their hell.

Do I want to be condemned to that fate just so I could dominate and control my kids for two decades? No. As much as I resent them I feel bad that whatever it is going on in their heads has relegated them to this life.

So I drop off food I know they like without any contact because there is no drama that way.

Your such a good kind sweet lady

 

[1ofakind]

That is sad @mellowyellowgirl.
That you can separate yourself from their dysfunction but still have compassion for their condition shows what a strong and amazing person you are.


@Musia Your grandchildren are beautiful and I am sure bring you much joy.

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

Your such a good kind sweet lady

Not really! I am as bitter as heck sometimes but I've been very very blessed so I appreciate that.

 

[AGBF]

@Daisys and Diamonds I still drop food outside their door sometimes as my son's school is on the way to their place.

They're very miserable people who are stuck in perpetual hell with each other. No one loves them and they haven't ever really loved anyone. They have no friends because everyone has allegedly wronged them. I feel sorry for them sometimes because while my sister and I could grow up and move on, they are still stuck in their hell.

Do I want to be condemned to that fate just so I could dominate and control my kids for two decades? No. As much as I resent them I feel bad that whatever it is going on in their heads has relegated them to this life.

So I drop off food I know they like without any contact because there is no drama that way.

You are so kind. Bless you.

 

[AGBF]

Not really! I am as bitter as heck sometimes but I've been very very blessed so I appreciate that.

In my opinion, angry thoughts hurt no one. Only our actions matter. You are acting with kindness. As I said above, bless you. Because of your good acts, your parents have something to eat. Only God (if you believe in one) knows your mind. And He understands everything.

Big hugs,
Deb

 

[Polished]

Agree AGBF, although i would add that too many angry thoughts hurts the person with them; anger and bitterness can get into your very DNA and harm us both psychologically and physically. It's actually been really uplifting here to read about the things that helped survivors of abuse. Whether it be Bruce S. or animals or or jewelry or simply finding happiness; it's all inspiring.

 

[AGBF]

@mellowyellowgirl
I don’t mind. My older brother was given up and my dad was furious because he still had to pay the state $25 out of every paycheck. He was in several foster homes and the first year we were in the same school district so I got to see him. They tried some family weekend and holiday visits and even a few weeks one summer in an attempt to see if he could come home. It never went well. After that long summer visit failed he never came home again. The holiday/weekend visits stopped and we never heard from him. I don’t know if my parents had a way to contact him but they never did or tried. He graduated a year after me although he should have been a year ahead so he failed a few years. I think I went to his high school graduation.
After that he floundered around and ended up using drugs, in a cult for a while, followed some weird religious rituals for a while...always looking for something but never finding it. He’s been on and off homeless, living in communes sometimes, he lived in an art studio for a while, tent camps etc. I think right now he is living with friends helping them renovate the house for room and board. He has 2 daughters I have never met. We talk once or twice a year and he does still see my dad. He’s been on full medical disabilty for a while now...some mental illness diagnosis but I don’t know the details.
He really REALLY hated my mom. If he had ever come home I think he could have killed her. He offered to do a DIY cremation when she died....and he was serious. He had done all the research...probably had been saving firewood for a while. He truly believed it would have been therapeutic for him to burn her body.

It was traumatic for us kids when he was sent away. Especially for my younger brother. We haven’t heard from him in 20+ years. I know where he is. I stalk him online occasionally. He joined the Army after high school and left everything behind. He had served 1 or 2 tours in Afghanistan and has been in the reserves in the honor guard since. He has beautiful twin boys who look just like him....the pictures make me cry thinking of the little boy who was my brother. I have messaged him a few times over the years but he never answers. I don’t know if he even sees the messages. I am sad about that but understand and hope he is happy. I could probably try to contact him through his reserve unit but I am hesitant...he could contact me if he wanted to. I do not want to disrupt the life he has built for himself. My dad is convinced he is part of some secret military unit and that is why he can’t talk to us. My mom cried endlessly over him and often talked of going to find him. I never told my parents or siblings that I know where he is or that he has a family. I feel like that would be a huge breach of trust....in case he ever does feel like he wants me to be in his life. I miss him.

My youngest sister escaped most of the physical abuse but she is emotionally scarred and immature. We do keep in contact but the relationship is limited. She married a man who isn’t much better than my dad regarding emotional/verbal abuse. To my knowledge there isn’t any major physical abuse but he is a huge, mean guy. A bully. He spanks and smacks his girls. Nothing to the degree that the state would intervene. My sister and older niece know they could come here if they needed to.

And now I think I will have some wine and chocolate.

Dear @1ofakind-

I read and reread what you wrote above. I believe I finally have it straight. You had written that it was traumatic for all of you kids when your older brother ("he") was sent away. Then you said, "especially for my younger brother. We haven't heard from him in 20+ years."

At first, as you wrote about your younger brother, I thought you were still writing about your older brother. But I figured it out. I am slow. Your family's story is so sad.You are estranged from your younger brother now, too. I had not realized. I had thought you were "stalking" your older brother on-line!

I finally get it. I am so sorry. Although I know you went on to have a good life.

Hugs,
Deb

 

[1ofakind]

Sorry...I got very wordy. Yes you got that right Deb...my older brother was given up at age 10 or 11. My younger brother left a few years after high school and we’ve not heard from him since. My younger sister is an emotional basket case.

I probably shouldn’t have used the term stalking about my younger brother either....there’s stuff on the internet and I just google him once in a while to see if anything new pops up. I don’t take any action on what I find other than save pics to a file. That seems normal right? Lol

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

Sorry...I got very wordy. Yes you got that right Deb...my older brother was given up at age 10 or 11. My younger brother left a few years after high school and we’ve not heard from him since. My younger sister is an emotional basket case.

I probably shouldn’t have used the term stalking about my younger brother either....there’s stuff on the internet and I just google him once in a while to see if anything new pops up. I don’t take any action on what I find other than save pics to a file. That seems normal right? Lol

It sounds completly normal and its nice for you to know he's ok

but slso why im very reluctant about face book

 

[1ofakind]

It sounds completly normal and its nice for you to know he's ok

but slso why im very reluctant about face book

DH and I have a combined name/shared FB page So my extended family cant easily find me. It has worked very well!!
As for my brother...none of what I have found is on FB. That may not make you feel better about the internet in general though.
He does have a FB account but its very private...no pics or anything that I can see. IDK if he even uses it but that is where I send him messages sometimes.

ETA...Our family name is extremely uncommon so it is rather easy to locate people with that name If there is anything out there.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

DH and I have a combined name/shared FB page So my extended family cant easily find me. It has worked very well!!
As for my brother...none of what I have found is on FB. That may not make you feel better about the internet in general though.
He does have a FB account but its very private...no pics or anything that I can see. IDK if he even uses it but that is where I send him messages sometimes.

ETA...Our family name is extremely uncommon so it is rather easy to locate people with that name If there is anything out there.

I have an uncommon sir name also and most of us spelt our way are related in this country
Could someome spair the time to tell me how to make facebook private, i only want to use it to talk to my overseas friends who are Bruce Springsteen fans and i particularly do not want it public as im looking for a job and althought i stand behind my right wing politics its not a good look in the present climate

 

[AGBF]

@1ofakind,

I agree with Daisys and Diamonds that it sounds completely normal for you to want to know your younger brother is OK. And, no, of course it is not "stalking".

Hugs again,
Deb

 

[AGBF]

I have an uncommon sir name also and most of us spelt our way are related in this country
Could someome spair the time to tell me how to make facebook private,

I don't have Facebook and never have, or I would gladly help you, @Daisys and Diamonds.

Deb

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

I don't have Facebook and never have, or I would gladly help you, @daisys ad Diamonds.

Deb

So far (a week) i wouldn't recomend it

i feel like im invading people's privacy looking at their photos
Admitably a lovelly chap from Brooklyn who i have messaged with over the years, and i know he doesn't mind, and as cute as gis grand babies are i know him, not his freinds and relations

I havn't even posted any photos yet

 

[1ofakind]

I have an uncommon sir name also and most of us spelt our way are related in this country
Could someome spair the time to tell me how to make facebook private, i only want to use it to talk to my overseas friends who are Bruce Springsteen fans and i particularly do not want it public as im looking for a job and althought i stand behind my right wing politics its not a good look in the present climate

There may be other steps but this has worked for us. Go to the setting and privacy. Set everything you can/want to “only me’ or ‘friends only’ so that your info, pics, interactions are not visible Outside that group. We don’t have a birthday visible. We are not searchable by email address or phone number. Someone would have to know our combined name to find the page.
We never post on politics because our friends are all types...and politics are so divisive these days. The FB page isn’t linked to any other social media.
I know other people who for reasons of privacy adjust or adapt their name to help remain private (A Dr. a business owner for their private page, etc). So far my family hasn’t found me.