When are you planning on starting a family?

[JerseyGrl81]

If it was up to my husband we would start trying right away, but I am not ready yet. We just got married earlier this month, but have been together for over 8 years, bought a house together a year and a half ago, both have steady jobs and have traveled a lot together. I just am not ready to give up my alone time- I enjoy coming home from work and doing what I want. I feel that when I become a mom being a mommy will be my whole life. Which I really want someday- just not yet.

 

[Blair138]

probably a year from now, I am in a Master''s program and working full time, and want to be done with school before we try.

 

[newsboysgrl777]

Can I ask a 'stupid' question? I'm asking it here because this is the thread where people WANT to have children...after reading the thread about people NOT wanting kids, why would anyone WANT them?? I'm just SOOO confused right now!!

I went to the couple web sites posted in that thread..and it seems they are NOTHING BUT people who don't want children because it'd make them miserable, and those who do have them are miserable, etc. I don't know if I want them or not, and I know this is an individual (well, 'couple') thing, but I mean, is there ANY good to having children, or is it ALL bad?? Is the 'bad' being blown out of proportion and the good is worth it, or...???!!

I'm SOO confused. Someone, please help.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 8/24/2009 2:39:16 PM
Author: newsboysgrl777
Can I ask a ''stupid'' question? I''m asking it here because this is the thread where people WANT to have children...after reading the thread about people NOT wanting kids, why would anyone WANT them?? I''m just SOOO confused right now!!

I went to the couple web sites posted in that thread..and it seems they are NOTHING BUT people who don''t want children because it''d make them miserable, and those who do have them are miserable, etc. I don''t know if I want them or not, and I know this is an individual (well, ''couple'') thing, but I mean, is there ANY good to having children, or is it ALL bad?? Is the ''bad'' being blown out of proportion and the good is worth it, or...???!!

I''m SOO confused. Someone, please help.

I''m assuming that if you''re married, you''ve discussed having kids with the hubby?

 

[princesss]

Honestly, I think those opinions are very skewed by each poster's own values and experiences. Often people with a strong opinion are going to be the most vocal, and generally people are more vocal about things they dislike than things they like. (Think about how often you go out of your way to praise good service to a manager vs. how often you go out of your way to complain about bad service.) So in that thread and the linked sites you're getting a very skewed sample group, the same way I did a year ago when I posted a thread asking if people like being moms. Did every mom respond? No. But the overwhelming response was, "I love it." Not, "I like it" or, "It's okay," but, "I love it.

It's hard to find a middle ground on forums like these, and especially on issues such as parenting. I think you'll get a better idea of what it's actually like and the balance of pros and cons if you talk to people you know that have kids. Infants, young kids, teenagers, adult children...talk to *them* about it. Yes, to have kids you sacrifice a lot for a very long time, but it doesn't have to be a big, awful chore. If you're passionate about motherhood, the early mornings and lack of alone time might not matter as much. If you just kind of fall into being a mom because it's what's expected, you might be more resentful of the sacrifices. It depends on so many factors that you just have to weigh them all and come up with what's right for you.

 

[elrohwen]

We''ll both be 25 when we marry next month and I hope to start trying before 35. I only want one kid (though FI would like 2) and we''re in no hurry. Hopefully the urge just hits us sometime between 30 and 35.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 8/21/2009 7:51:01 AM
Author: DandiAndi

Date: 8/18/2009 7:34:40 PM

Author: mimzy

we''ve been married about 8 months and are both 24, and really only have a vague idea of when we want to start. we want to be settled into a house (which we put an offer in on yesterday, fingers crossed!) and DH needs to be a little more secure in his current position before we can really seriously consider kids. we are going with the ''whenever it feels right'' plan! so...sometime in the next 6 months to 4 years

Oooh good luck mimzy, keep us updated!!

thanks! our offer was accepted, now we are just waiting on the inspection to see if it''s still worth it!

 

[newsboysgrl777]

Date: 8/24/2009 2:52:25 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady

Date: 8/24/2009 2:39:16 PM
Author: newsboysgrl777
Can I ask a 'stupid' question? I'm asking it here because this is the thread where people WANT to have children...after reading the thread about people NOT wanting kids, why would anyone WANT them?? I'm just SOOO confused right now!!

I went to the couple web sites posted in that thread..and it seems they are NOTHING BUT people who don't want children because it'd make them miserable, and those who do have them are miserable, etc. I don't know if I want them or not, and I know this is an individual (well, 'couple') thing, but I mean, is there ANY good to having children, or is it ALL bad?? Is the 'bad' being blown out of proportion and the good is worth it, or...???!!

I'm SOO confused. Someone, please help.

I'm assuming that if you're married, you've discussed having kids with the hubby?

NewEnglandLady, yes...husband and I have talked about it. He's one of the 'wants kids' people, however, we've discussed (in the past) my not wanting children. (I was pretty sure, when I was younger, I didn't, then I started thinking maybe I did...and I still think I do, but now I'm confused again because (like princess said), I'm NOT 'passionate about motherhood' and so, might I be one of those moms that resent having some freedoms, etc., taken away from me?? I just don't know!!) And he loves me enough (and I love him enough) to work through it together...deciding what's best for us.

I guess what I'm most surprised by is having read SOOOO many negative things about being a parent that I was kind of stunned. Again like princess mentioned, it's the camp that is VERY strongly opinioned one way, but I guess what really alarmed me the most was CURRENT parents who say they would choose differently if they had to do it again!! Maybe I'm making things complicated in my own head (which I frequently do, but not on purpose), but hearing from a mother that she would choose differently feels so different than hearing a father say it. I guess I'd just always thought some kind of 'mothering instinct' might kick in and you forget all about the hard times because of your love for your child! That, there's just some kind of bond between a mother and child that isn't necessarily there for dads (not saying that no dad ever forms a bond, just that it's typical for a mother to form one). And, I guess the other thing is, I'm the woman, the female, the potential mom...so it hits closer to home.

Anyway, like a lot of you have said, it's going to be an individual decision, but I guess I wanted to hear from people OTHER THAN the 'I hate kids and never want one' or 'I have kids and regret it' camp(s).

 

[newsboysgrl777]

Date: 8/24/2009 3:41:58 PM
Author: princesss
Honestly, I think those opinions are very skewed by each poster''s own values and experiences. Often people with a strong opinion are going to be the most vocal, and generally people are more vocal about things they dislike than things they like. (Think about how often you go out of your way to praise good service to a manager vs. how often you go out of your way to complain about bad service.) So in that thread and the linked sites you''re getting a very skewed sample group, the same way I did a year ago when I posted a thread asking if people like being moms. Did every mom respond? No. But the overwhelming response was, ''I love it.'' Not, ''I like it'' or, ''It''s okay,'' but, ''I love it.

It''s hard to find a middle ground on forums like these, and especially on issues such as parenting. I think you''ll get a better idea of what it''s actually like and the balance of pros and cons if you talk to people you know that have kids. Infants, young kids, teenagers, adult children...talk to *them* about it. Yes, to have kids you sacrifice a lot for a very long time, but it doesn''t have to be a big, awful chore. If you''re passionate about motherhood, the early mornings and lack of alone time might not matter as much. If you just kind of fall into being a mom because it''s what''s expected, you might be more resentful of the sacrifices. It depends on so many factors that you just have to weigh them all and come up with what''s right for you.

Princess, I did respond to a lot of what you''ve said in your response* in my previous post, but I wanted to add that there was one comment that really ''hit me'' strangely. I don''t remember exactly where I read it, but it was basically that people who have children LIE about how "wonderful" it is because they have to give themselves a reason to think all of their hard work and sacrifice is worth something. And, to take it a step further, if I asked someone I knew what it was like for her to be a mom, what kind of a mother would she look like if she out and out said to me "yes, I would totally go back and NOT have kids if I had it to do over again" ? :-\

I guess the answer is, I''ll never know if someone is telling me the truth or not, but they could give me information for me to make my own decision.


*Thank you so much for this thorough and thoughtful response. I truly appreciate it

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 8/24/2009 5:01:22 PM
Author: newsboysgrl777

Date: 8/24/2009 2:52:25 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady

Date: 8/24/2009 2:39:16 PM
Author: newsboysgrl777
Can I ask a ''stupid'' question? I''m asking it here because this is the thread where people WANT to have children...after reading the thread about people NOT wanting kids, why would anyone WANT them?? I''m just SOOO confused right now!!

I went to the couple web sites posted in that thread..and it seems they are NOTHING BUT people who don''t want children because it''d make them miserable, and those who do have them are miserable, etc. I don''t know if I want them or not, and I know this is an individual (well, ''couple'') thing, but I mean, is there ANY good to having children, or is it ALL bad?? Is the ''bad'' being blown out of proportion and the good is worth it, or...???!!

I''m SOO confused. Someone, please help.

I''m assuming that if you''re married, you''ve discussed having kids with the hubby?

NewEnglandLady, yes...husband and I have talked about it. He''s one of the ''wants kids'' people, however, we''ve discussed (in the past) my not wanting children. (I was pretty sure, when I was younger, I didn''t, then I started thinking maybe I did...and I still think I do, but now I''m confused again because (like princess said), I''m NOT ''passionate about motherhood'' and so, might I be one of those moms that resent having some freedoms, etc., taken away from me?? I just don''t know!!) And he loves me enough (and I love him enough) to work through it together...deciding what''s best for us.

I guess what I''m most surprised by is having read SOOOO many negative things about being a parent that I was kind of stunned. Again like princess mentioned, it''s the camp that is VERY strongly opinioned one way, but I guess what really alarmed me the most was CURRENT parents who say they would choose differently if they had to do it again!! Maybe I''m making things complicated in my own head (which I frequently do, but not on purpose), but hearing from a mother that she would choose differently feels so different than hearing a father say it. I guess I''d just always thought some kind of ''mothering instinct'' might kick in and you forget all about the hard times because of your love for your child! That, there''s just some kind of bond between a mother and child that isn''t necessarily there for dads (not saying that no dad ever forms a bond, just that it''s typical for a mother to form one). And, I guess the other thing is, I''m the woman, the female, the potential mom...so it hits closer to home.

Anyway, like a lot of you have said, it''s going to be an individual decision, but I guess I wanted to hear from people OTHER THAN the ''I hate kids and never want one'' or ''I have kids and regret it'' camp(s).

So your hubby wants kids, but you''re not sure if you do? Or you''re worried that if you do have them, you might regret it or end up resentful?

 

[princesss]

Date: 8/24/2009 5:05:08 PM
Author: newsboysgrl777

Date: 8/24/2009 3:41:58 PM

Author: princesss

Honestly, I think those opinions are very skewed by each poster''s own values and experiences. Often people with a strong opinion are going to be the most vocal, and generally people are more vocal about things they dislike than things they like. (Think about how often you go out of your way to praise good service to a manager vs. how often you go out of your way to complain about bad service.) So in that thread and the linked sites you''re getting a very skewed sample group, the same way I did a year ago when I posted a thread asking if people like being moms. Did every mom respond? No. But the overwhelming response was, ''I love it.'' Not, ''I like it'' or, ''It''s okay,'' but, ''I love it.


It''s hard to find a middle ground on forums like these, and especially on issues such as parenting. I think you''ll get a better idea of what it''s actually like and the balance of pros and cons if you talk to people you know that have kids. Infants, young kids, teenagers, adult children...talk to *them* about it. Yes, to have kids you sacrifice a lot for a very long time, but it doesn''t have to be a big, awful chore. If you''re passionate about motherhood, the early mornings and lack of alone time might not matter as much. If you just kind of fall into being a mom because it''s what''s expected, you might be more resentful of the sacrifices. It depends on so many factors that you just have to weigh them all and come up with what''s right for you.

Princess, I did respond to a lot of what you''ve said in your response* in my previous post, but I wanted to add that there was one comment that really ''hit me'' strangely. I don''t remember exactly where I read it, but it was basically that people who have children LIE about how ''wonderful'' it is because they have to give themselves a reason to think all of their hard work and sacrifice is worth something. And, to take it a step further, if I asked someone I knew what it was like for her to be a mom, what kind of a mother would she look like if she out and out said to me ''yes, I would totally go back and NOT have kids if I had it to do over again'' ? :-\n

I guess the answer is, I''ll never know if someone is telling me the truth or not, but they could give me information for me to make my own decision.



*Thank you so much for this thorough and thoughtful response. I truly appreciate it

You''re welcome, hun. I''ve been through that thought process and it''s not pretty or fun, though, FWIW, I do truly think many parents are happy.

I think the comment you read probably comes from somebody who does regret having kids. Definitely check your source on that one.

 

[newsboysgrl777]

Here's an example of some frightening things...

Date: 8/24/2009 10:22:35 AM
Author: Patchee

Date: 8/24/2009 5:05:08 PM
Author: October2008Bride

I'll be honest though, although I rarely see happy parents, when you do see them it is refreshing. My sister does love being a mom and her and her husband thrive on it.

Anit that the truth sister! It seems like once a couple had kids they no longer work on their relationship, their lives are generate soley on their child now. And for anyone who thinks I am nuts for saying this then why, oh tell me why do parents say once their kids are grown then they can focus on their marriage AGAIN? Heck, by then it's too late not the same people anymore who stopped giving at rats about their marriage once the kids came into play.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 8/24/2009 9:58:55 PM
Author: newsboysgrl777

Here''s an example of some frightening things...

Date: 8/24/2009 10:22:35 AM
Author: Patchee

Date: 8/24/2009 5:05:08 PM
Author: October2008Bride

I''ll be honest though, although I rarely see happy parents, when you do see them it is refreshing. My sister does love being a mom and her and her husband thrive on it.

Anit that the truth sister! It seems like once a couple had kids they no longer work on their relationship, their lives are generate soley on their child now. And for anyone who thinks I am nuts for saying this then why, oh tell me why do parents say once their kids are grown then they can focus on their marriage AGAIN? Heck, by then it''s too late not the same people anymore who stopped giving at rats about their marriage once the kids came into play.

Newsboysgrl, Those comments were written by women that do not have children and do not want children.

You have to make your own judgments and choices in life. I''m sure you come in contact with parents on a daily basis. Why don''t you talk to them about their experiences? If I recall correctly, you are religious? Are there couples at your church you can talk to?

Personally, I see lots of happy parents. That''s silly to say that all parents are unhappy just like it would be silly to say that all parents are happy. What fulfills one person''s life is not guaranteed to fulfill yours so you have to think through these things yourself rather than taking people''s unsubstantiated claims at face value.

 

[Apsara]

I am an old married lady...married 13 yrs this December. Got married when i was 23, he was 25. We spent the first decade of our marriage working hard, getting through school (MBA & JD), building careers, getting a house... recently, we really thought about whether we want kids--I am 36...time is running out. I don''t even know if I can have kids, to be honest.... been on BC for almost 20 yrs.

We have pretty much decided we do not want to have kids. It''s a tough choice and a weird one--many people can''t believe it. I get irate when I hear women make comments like "how can you be FULFILLED as a woman without being a mom?" I would argue that my "childless" contributions to the world far outweigh those of many "mommies" I know who are terrible mothers and have produced too many unruly, uncared for and irresponisble children.... but that''s a whole other thread, I suppose.

As someone who has really struggled with this decision and has had to make it in a society that is obsessed with children and babies, I can offer the following: Really--REALLY--look in your heart. Do you want to be a parent--and I believe that the repsonsibility of having a child is one of the most important things a person can do. Do you REALLY want to love another person above yourself, to devote the better parts of your heart, mind and soul to raising this person, to loving him/her unconditionally, and being repsonsible enough to realize that the world does NOt revolve around you and your child--that you need to balance your love with raising a responsible, gracious, considerate person? Are you ready to be a parent to a child with disabilities? Autism? There are NO guarantees. We all--myself included--think baby = perfect little being that will always get good grades and be quiet at restuarants...uh, no. When my husband and I really thought about this and discussed it, we just didn''t feel a deep desire to be parents... and it''s too bif a deal to do it half-cocked...or like my Mom says, "you can''t wrap it back up and take it back to Bloomies if you don''t like it..." lol. She is very supportive--I am lucky for that.

We like out time alone and together, the freedom to pick up and go whenever we want, to stay up late and sleep in.... we like working. For a while, I was like, "ok--I''ll get a nanny..." Well, why bother to have a baby and let someone else raise it? At the end of the day, in my heart, i don''t feel the desire/need to have a child. I don''t feel I can give 100%. That''s done it for me. We do have 3 dogs--and dog rescue/welfare is our passion. I know it is NOT the same thing BUT it is very fulfilling for us.

I am not tyring to be negative--we need people to have kids...but I have just seen too many people who get caught up in "marriage--wedding--baby" as some sort of natural progresison without really thinking or talking about it. Or people who have had kids who shouldn''t own a cat letalone be raising a child.

I say--really look in your heart. I still have pangs of "am I doing the right thing?" but that''s life--few major decisions are without some sort of risk, but if the cons outweigh the pros, you''ll know it deep inside.

Good luck to everyone!

 

[Patchee]

ODD how my whole post happend to dissappear but Apsara words are true and anyone who is deciding on kids should read her post first.

Thanks for that post

 

[newsboysgrl777]

Date: 8/25/2009 12:39:52 PM
Author: Patchee
ODD how my whole post happend to dissappear but Apsara words are true and anyone who is deciding on kids should read her post first.

Thanks for that post

Sorry Patchee, I NEVER meant to put your post into a negative light, I just quoted the part that I was referring to, so didn't copy the whole post. I don't think ill of you or ANYONE for how they feel about things...everyone is entitled to their own feelings, and those feelings aren't wrong. Please forgive me if I painted you (or the other poster I quoted) in a negative way. I never, ever meant to!

And Apsara, thank you for that in-depth reply. It's sooo true that it's such a huge decision that so many people don't even really seem to THINK about, though I'm sure there are also many who have. It's not an easy decision to make and I just go back and forth on all of the points you've made, as well as those of people who do want children...thank you for sharing your experience and decision with me.

 

[Xedoc]

While I agree with much of Aspara''s post, and I respect her decision to do what she wants in life, I feel it''s very important that responsible, educated, intelligent, and GOOD people do have kids if they think they may want that in life. Keep in mind that those of us having this sort of discussion are most likely the people most capable of raising great people, and the contributions of yourself, your future children, and their children all benefit society when raised right. I don''t think you should base having children or not on seeing how others haven''t raised their kids right - after all, you are not them and won''t make the same decisions.

I''ve been fortunate enough to have fantastic parents and a large, great family who are all responsible and contribute to society. Some of my family had children before they were "ready," but I know none of them would change their lives (go back and not have children) if they could. I''ve always known that I''ve wanted a family of my own, but I don''t assume that everyone has that same desire and definitely don''t judge them for it. For the reasons behind my family goals, I look at those in my family who have had kids and grandkids, and I see the enjoyment they have later in life living vicariously through their children, especially because they know they''ve raised good people.

 

[meresal]

Well, apparently we are starting sooner than we expected.

 

[Lanie]

Date: 8/25/2009 5:42:03 PM
Author: meresal
Well, apparently we are starting sooner than we expected.

i''m intrigued Mere...what''s up?

I wanted to chime in from my end. If it were up to me, we would start NOW. But my DH is a much more level headed person, and he wants to wait until we are on solid ground financially. We have all debt tackled, but we just bought a house and we want to make sure we can save enough for a baby. Those darn things cost so much money! My sister told me that in our area, she paid around 1000 for daycare for a baby under a year old. Plus you have insurance on top of that. Not to mention diapers, etc. I just turned 31, and DH is 31 as well, so we are ready to start emotionally...we just have to make sure it''s a smart decision financially. Until then, I can''t wait!!! It might take awhile though...my Aunt Flow timing isn''t predictable AT ALL.

 

[meresal]

Date: 8/25/2009 6:17:19 PM
Author: Lanie

Date: 8/25/2009 5:42:03 PM
Author: meresal
Well, apparently we are starting sooner than we expected.

i'm intrigued Mere...what's up?

Well, we found out Saturday that I'm preggo. Had our first ultrasound today, and we are apprx 4.5 weeks. Guess it happened wedding night, lol

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 8/25/2009 6:26:38 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 8/25/2009 6:17:19 PM
Author: Lanie

Date: 8/25/2009 5:42:03 PM
Author: meresal
Well, apparently we are starting sooner than we expected.

i''m intrigued Mere...what''s up?

Well, we found out Saturday that I''m preggo. Had our first ultrasound today, and we are apprx 4.5 weeks. Guess it happened wedding night, lol

Congrats!!!

I love to hear about wedding night/ honeymoon babies - I think it''s so romantic...

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Oh my gosh, Meresal, that is so exciting!! CONGRATS!!!

 

[meresal]

Sorry I don''t want to thread jack...
Thanks Lucy and NEL! We were very shocked at first but are extremely excited!

 

[musincy]

meresal, congratulations!! How exciting for you.

 

[Lilac]

meresal, congrats! So exciting!

We plan on starting a family once I finish grad school (so probably around 4 years from now). DH is convinced I''m going to want a baby a year or two from now because I LOVE babies, but I just can''t see myself wanting a baby of our own until I finish school.

 

[Apsara]

Date: 8/25/2009 5:33:49 PM
Author: Xedoc
While I agree with much of Aspara''s post, and I respect her decision to do what she wants in life, I feel it''s very important that responsible, educated, intelligent, and GOOD people do have kids if they think they may want that in life. Keep in mind that those of us having this sort of discussion are most likely the people most capable of raising great people, and the contributions of yourself, your future children, and their children all benefit society when raised right. I don''t think you should base having children or not on seeing how others haven''t raised their kids right - after all, you are not them and won''t make the same decisions.

I''ve been fortunate enough to have fantastic parents and a large, great family who are all responsible and contribute to society. Some of my family had children before they were ''ready,'' but I know none of them would change their lives (go back and not have children) if they could. I''ve always known that I''ve wanted a family of my own, but I don''t assume that everyone has that same desire and definitely don''t judge them for it. For the reasons behind my family goals, I look at those in my family who have had kids and grandkids, and I see the enjoyment they have later in life living vicariously through their children, especially because they know they''ve raised good people.

I think you make great points and you are right--we need good, capable people to have kids! Countries with declining birth rates have historically been in overall decline... My decision is just that--mine--but it is a very hard decision (at least it feels that way to me) because there seems to be so much pressure to have kids and I do think some people have the for the wrong reasons and/or aren''t capable of being effective parents. The people who do act like being a parent is the greatest thing in the world for everybody and shove this sentiment in your face do get on my nerves but hey--I don''t let it upset me anymore. Maybe they are really trying to convince themselves.

It''s clear many people posting here are exactly the type of people who would probably be good parents--the mere fact they are thinking about it and viewing it as a very significant endeavor is evidence of this, as you point out. In terms of being "ready"--it''s funny--that is a factor but I think you can always have more money, more experience, travels, etc.... the key factor is that wanting to be a parent and understanding what that means--that deep and meaningful desire that seems to e part of your soul. To me, that is what good parents are all about.

 

[cindygenit]

In three years time for me! Two years after the wedding so that we have time to get settled into our new home and have saved up enough

i love kids, and so does he. I think he wishes it was sooner, but I am not ready.

I will be 25, and my FI will be 35 in 3 yrs time

ETA: Congatulations to Meresal!

 

[trillionaire]

Congrats Meresal!

 

[sba771]

Date: 8/25/2009 5:42:03 PM
Author: meresal
Well, apparently we are starting sooner than we expected.

OMG! Congrats! I like how you just nonchalantly slipped it in there!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Congrats Mer!!!


DH and I have decided that if our move happens we will start trying soon after (probably around the first of the year). Moving will save us about $500-$700 a month in mortgage/rent and that''s money that''s desperately needed if we plan to start a family. So stay tuned ladies!

NBG-I too didn''t want kids for most of my adolescent/young adult life. Mainly because I watched my single mother struggle to raise 2 kids, the oldest and youngest being 16 years apart. Meeting someone I was compatible with who I viewed as a partner sealed the deal for me because I realize that while parenthood isn''t ever easy, it''s a lot easier when you can share it with someone. I''d be a single mother if I had to, but I think DH will make an amazing dad and I''m looking forward to growing as a person with him in that regard. It''s a whole new stage of life. That being said, some people just are not cut out to be parents for whatever reason. It''s your prerogative.