What is she thinking? HELP!

[Hongerhond]

I wholeheartedly agree with Magna and Mikesgirl. It sounds like the suggestion of living together first is not feeling right for your girl.

I know that different arrangements work better for different people, but statistics show us that marriages where people lived together first have a higher divorce rate.

I am sure that for Al and Mara it might have been a very wise decision and they will probably live happily ever after with their spouses, but for the general population, living together before marriage certainly increases their chances of ultimately divorcing.

 

[ChooChoo]

To be fair, although it's true that couples that don't live together first have a slightly lower divorce rate, that doesn't mean that living together first MAKES people divorce later on.

I think it's much more likely that the kinds of people who don't live together first (i.e., religious, traditional values) are also the same people that are more hesitant about getting divorced - and that doesn't necessarily mean their marriages are better, but maybe they are more likely to stay in a marriage if they have been cheated on, stay together for the kids, etc.

Personally, I think for some couples living together first is a must to being happy after marriage. Finding out your SO has obnoxious little habits, or thinks that you do, can make your first year together hard, and I wouldn't want to start a marriage off on that foot. You will get used to them eventually, but why let it sour such a special time in your life? When you live together first, you avoid those petty little problems.

 

[Mara]

Actually I believe the stats that say that people who live together are more apt to get divorced are specific in saying that couples who live together randomly with no discussion or committments towards the future are the ones who are more apt to get divorced (from their research anyway)...because the idea is that they may not be as committed to the relationship as those who move in after engagement or similar.




Of course this is just all research etc....but I do know what they mean...precisely why my fiance and I did not want to do the 'lets live together' thing and play house because we had done it before, in relationships that did not work out because of that lack of 'surety' and 'committment'. So this time around we did it with the confidence that we would do anything to make this relationship work. I think the meaning behind the cohabitation is really important as well.

 

[NewYorker]

Just have to chime in - you may think she's 'the one' for you, but she does not agree whole heartedly as much as you.
This is a common situation and I have been in it before on both ends.
It is heart breaking!!!
Years went by and then POOF, 'the one' appeared and will for you too. This doesn't sound like it is it, but it is preparing you for when it does happen.

Above all, respect her decision and respect yourself (in other words, do not call her all the time and sound pathetic). This is no reflection on her or on you - you are probably both great people but for whatever reason you do not fullfill all of her needs (emotionally, spiritually, etc...)

Somewhere out there another woman is also at the end of a relationship and waiting to meet you. Be patient and wait - you will find each other and then you'll know what I'm saying and you'll be happy again - even happier than you've ever been! In the mean time, read a good light hearted book (like Jitterbug Perfume), rent some action movies, and fill your free weekends with whatever makes you happy - sports, jogging, camping, etc...

No one said life is fair, but it doesn't have to be so bad either - it's all up to how you view it.

ciao and good luck.

 

[Hest88]

ALJDewey, I actually do understand that for many it's a philosophical discussion but some have addressed it as possibly *the* reason. My main concern is that a desperate guy in love is going to grab onto this as the only tangible thing he has, blow it out of proportion, and spend big bucks on the hope that a ring will make her return.

I also realized that I haven't shared my opinion. I think it's important to move in together as the next step toward a permanent commitment, but not necessarily with an eye toward a specific marriage date. In other words, if the ring has been bought, the date set, and wedding plans begun, then there could be too much momentum to easily stop the process if living together turns out to be disastrous.

I didn't live together with my first husband and perhaps if we *had* the illusions one can nurse when a person isn't in one's face 12 hours a day would have been stripped away.

As it was, with my now DH I insisted that we move into together first and wait a set number of years before getting married--even though he was ready to haul me down the aisle on the second date. Getting all those kinks out and realizing that we worked well together when doing such mundane things such as cleaning house, paying bills, etc. solidified my certainty that marriage was the right thing to do.

 

[fire&ice]

----------------
On 10/17/2003 2:06:21 PM aljdewey wrote:

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On 10/17/2003 12:18:10 PM fire&ice wrote:

I thought I'd find it harder to accommodate another person at my age now, being more set in my ways, but I've actually learned that I have more patience for the little things now than I did when I was younger.

--

I think I would have more trouble adjusting to living w/ someone else now. I am more set in my ways. That said, my communication skills are better & I am more laid back about stuff. So, I don't know.

It was acceptable to live together when I got married. I didn't do so out of respect for my Father - who is definitely of a different generation. My Mom's more practical. It really wasn't really that big of a deal. The idea of moving in together never really came up.

At the end of the day, everyone is different. A relative did not want to get married & offered no commitment to the girl who moved in. They married after a few years & celebrated their 18 wedding anniversary recently. Funny, they never became engaged. Just decided to get married - w/ the big wedding, etc.

 

[fire&ice]

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On 10/17/2003 5:17:17 PM Hest88 wrote:

ALJDewey, I actually do understand that for many it's a philosophical discussion but some have addressed it as possibly *the* reason. My main concern is that a desperate guy in love is going to grab onto this as the only tangible thing he has, blow it out of proportion, and spend big bucks on the hope that a ring will make her return.

I think that is an important point to make because we may be totally off base.

Regarding the ability to transition to living together as married people - we had some pre-marriage counseling. Funny, the first question asked was "Who is going to handle the checkbook?" It was kind of a wake up call. Prior to marriage (living together), we addressed many questions about every day household stuff - and what we wanted out of life.

That said, nothing was etched in stone. We kinda went with the flow of life.

 

[Mara]

I think we all just somewhat randomly started adding in our life anecdotes...maybe they do not apply to the original posters situ...

Important to remember. No one knows for sure

 

[dimonbob]

The one thing that we all know is that you are hurting or you would not have started this. You are young and there is someone out there for you and you will find her. Drop this for now and if it is to be she will come back into your life. If not, someone even better will take her place!

Time or another love will heal!

 

[valeria101]

So... proposals are great and there can be time before proprsal, official engagement and mariage. Even if any of these words seems hars,she has hinted that she would liketo be asked. Drop a hint too (words help, even if moving together is a hard fact) that you would like to think of her as you future wife. It may help managing that space between you and getting both on the same frame of mind. After all, so many young people live together just so... make your purpose clear and so will her. I would!

 

[drwranger7]

Well, it's been a while since I've said anything here. I've been listening to what everyone has said and really thought about a lot of the issues you all have brought up. I have made my intention of marrying the girl well known. I told her I wanted to live together for a short while, just to make sure we were right for each other. I told her I had no reason to believe we would have any problems, I just wanted to be 110% sure. None of my friends have ever doubted our committment to each other.

Another note, is that she has not had the freedom of being single and on her own since high school. She's been in a couple short lived relationships and a 2 year relationship prior to us getting together. The long term relationship ended b/c they were having many problems with their relationship and couldn't seem to find an answer after several months of dancing around the issue of breaking up. Maybe it is just a new phase of life she is encountering and wants the opportunity to do it on her own.

It's been a month since we split. She casually sends me emails, but never calls. I wonder if that is because it would go against her principle of "being single" or because she is trying to forget about me.

To close, she's a hopeless romantic. The belief that there is one man for one woman floats in her head. She is worried that she might be settling down before she has explored all the options. I, however, believe that we are quite the perfect couple. Simple, mundane tasks such as folding laundry, cooking, or cleaning up are that much more fun because she is around. She's felt the same way for 3 years, but is starting to question that gut feeling. Any input is welcomed and any ideas on how to keep reminding her about what she would be losing if we never got back together is always appreciated.

Trying to mend the broken heart

 

[fire&ice]

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On 10/24/2003 11:27:50 AM drwranger7 wrote:


Trying to mend the broken heart----------------

I think that is about all you can do right now. You can't convince someone to stay together with you. Being brutal - Why would you want to?

Fill your time - volunteer at the local animal shelter - learn to play an instrument - whatever else that may interest you & at the same time meet new people.

 

[Hest88]

DRW, I know this is dreadfully hard. To be honest, I find it a little difficult to get into the head of your ex-GF. I know some women have cold feet, but I also know that for many of us, especially in the first few years of a relationship, it would be impossible to think of anyone else. I mean, it would just *hurt* way too much to be apart from the men we loved.

I don't think many women deliberately stay away from men they love due to the "principle of 'being single'" I'm afraid. I think she's having a commitment problem and is not convinced that you are the one. You may be convinced, but she is not, and to me, that means that the two of you are not meant to be together right now.

Now that you've clarified things, my best advice would actually be to ask her to stop emailing you. Seriously. It sounds like you're not doing anything wrong, but she needs to live her own life right now. Tell her that you love her and wish her well, but you can't stand by knowing that she's seeking other men. Tell her that if her single time leads her to conclude that she indeed wants to marry you, then she knows where you are, but until then, you should stop communicating. It would help her figure out things faster and, if she never comes back, will help you heal your broken heart more easily as well. Good luck. We're all here for you.

 

[magna2]

drwranger7,

It is a tough situation that you find yourself in. I know you are holding out a glimmer of hope on a relationship with your ex-girlfriend so the contacts that you do have with her will prolong the pain of the breakup. Since you believe she is indeed your soulmate, then the only thing that you can do is maintain contact with her and see if she comes around in seeing you as "the" guy for her. However painful it might be. You still need to demonstrate that you'll be there for her in her hour of need.

While I tend to agree with Hest88 that to lessen your pain it would be best for your ex-girlfriend to stop the cotact and let her figure things out; once that tie is severed, it is hard to reconnect. Just don't allow her to string you along. At some point in time you need to move on in life if she has not come around.

Again, wishing the best for you.

 

[illusivone]

Living togeather sounds like a safe bet.

They say it doesn't make the marriage more or less successful, but it just makes good sense.

 

[Mara]

It's a tough situation but she is obviously into doing her own thing. Why doesn't really matter..and I agree with F&I...why would you want to force her to remember what she obviously is not interested in right now? Don't put your life on hold to wait for her, still communicate if you need to....but you may find soon that it may be best for you to just begin the process for you to begin to move on. I say this because it's painful to wait for someone, or to hope against hope that they will return to you or realize just how much they love you. There are many fish out in the sea, and many people who will add spice to your life...more than one for each of us I believe.

It's all about the timing. Also, it sounds as though by sending casual emails, she is NOT missing what you are..and she is NOT where you are right now. So I would start to really think of yourself and how to take care of you. You never know, things may change, she may realize or remember that you are the one...etc...but in my opinion..thinking that will NOT happen and moving fwd makes it easier..and then if it DOES happen...you're pleasantly surprised. Very pleasantly!




It's a difficult and sad situation....keep your chin up and STAY BUSY. It will work wonders. Friends are your best bet in times like this.

 

[canadiangrrl]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sucks, doesn't it?

There's nothing you can do to change, alter, or otherwise influence her feelings in any positive way...so...I'm in agreement with the others...time to start looking out for you. What she is thinking or feeling is anyone's guess, and you can get caught up in "analysis paralysis" for years if you're not careful.

My advice - pretend she's dead. I know, it sounds terrible. But I've done it before and it actually works. It doesn't mean that you've stopped caring about her, because when feelings are genuine, it's impossible to shut them on & off at will - it just means that there won't be anyone there to be on the receiving end. You can't call or email someone who's dead. It sounds crazy, but it actually worked for me when I was once in your shoes. The less contact you have with her, the faster you will begin to heal. Don't delude yourself into thinking otherwise.

 

[Mikesgirl]

------------------------------
Simple, mundane tasks such as folding laundry, cooking, or cleaning up are that much more fun because she is around.
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I don't think many women deliberately stay away from men they love due to the "principle of 'being single'" I'm afraid. I think she's having a commitment problem and is not convinced that you are the one.
-------------------------------

I agree with Hest 88. In my experience it is the men who walk away, and after the woman gives him his "space" the relationship either ends, or he realizes he isn't happy without her and he comes back. I've seen this happen several times, and it usually takes about 6 months. Almost universally, this only occured when the rejected party severed all contact with the "let me know if you change your mind" caveat. If you don't make her go cold turkey, she doesn't get to figure out if there's a void without you. And you don't get to heal.

Send her that short, sweet, "You know where I stand. If you want to be with me, let me know, but I don't want to hear from you again otherwise." This requires a measure of self-respect, but you seem to have it. Good luck.