well, well, well...

[LAJennifer]

Nytemist, I''m so sorry that your New Year''s didn''t happen the way you would have liked. I went back and started reading old posts and about your relationship and I came across something I wrote to you last March. The situation seems to be the same and I kind of feel like he may have passed the "point of no return". I think the ongoing disappointment may prevent you from being actually happy with a real proposal. If you do accept a proposal, I think you may still resent him - maybe enough to never be truly happy with him. Of course I''ve never met either of you, but I actually think you might be happier without him - infact I think you may have already "moved on", if only subconsciously. It seems like you''ve been pretty unhappy with him all year - I would hate for you to marry him and be unhappy for the rest of your life. I don''t know that he can ever be what you want him to be. I feel really drawn to this situation and feel free to PM me if you need to "talk" or if you need "anything". Here is what I posted in regards to your relationship - in March 2005:

"NYTemist - sounds like he is attempting some damage control. He''s had the realization that he isn''t the only one in the driver''s seat, and that you too are capable of deciding the fate of this relationship (something men seem to forget). I wouldn''t advise accepting a proposal right now. Please make sure that this is something you still REALLY want, and not just something you THINK you want because you''ve been waiting for it to happen. I think women tend to grieve for the end of the relationship, long before the relationship actually ends. Its a wonderful coping mechanism nature has given us. That way, when the relationship does actually reach its end - we are so DONE, that it is easy for us to move on with our lives. Men don''t have it as easy - they never saw the end coming and are left with the feelings of "should of, could of, would have . . ." If you have already started the grieving process (and I suspect you have), then really do some soul searching to determine if you really want to be with this man, or would your life be better without him. If you stay with him, then you may resent him later for making you wait so long, or for being so indecisive and never making real plans. That also is probably the way he will live out the rest of his life - just going with the flow and ending up wherever. Is that something you can live with? Only you can decide that. Or would you be happier with someone more like yourself - someone who is strong, can stand on their own feet and know what he wants and how to get it."

 

[MissAva]

NYT- I think ALJ said what we are all thinking very well.
The styles in which we communicate can tell quite a lot about our relationships. I am especially fond of Dr. Sandford’s work, and I think this link about communication in marriage might be of help to you. Dr. Sanford What Makes A Marriage Work?
This section in particular:
Attributions and expectancies
Attributions and expectancies are both types of thoughts that people can have, and several studies have found that these thoughts are closely associated with relationship satisfaction. Attributions are the explanations a person makes regarding what caused an event to occur and who is responsible for the event. As summarized by researcher Tom Bradbury (at UCLA), a large number of studies on marriage have found that attributions for negative relationship events are especially important, and that attributions are predictive of many relationship outcomes. When a negative event occurs, distressed couples are likely to view each other causing the event and to blame each other for the event. In contrast, in successful marriages, partners are likely to see negative behavior as unintentional and to believe that negative events are caused by unusual circumstances outside of each other’s control.
Expectancies are the predictions people make regarding what is likely to happen in the future. When a conflict arises in a relationship, a person is likely to have expectancies regarding the most probable behavior of his or her partner. Is one’s partner likely to be empathic and understanding? Is one’s partner likely to use positive and/or negative communication? The expectancies a person has prior to a conflict conversation can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Results from studies I have conducted indicate that expectancies from wives are especially strong predictors of what happens in a relationship. When wives expect their husbands to be empathic during a conflict, both wives and husbands are likely to use positive communication.

 

[blueroses]

NYT, I have had a hard time even knowing what to say about the missed deadline and painful discussions b/c I see so much of myself and my relationship mirrored in yours. Be proud of yourself for communicating openly (everything Alj said) and don''t be afraid of ANY possible outcome here....if it is too late, then you WILL be ok and you WILL move on. And if he gets his Sh*& together then you will find a way to forgive there too.

HANG IN THERE ((((HUGS))))

 

[nytemist]

He did make the spring reference, true, but since then he gave the me ''end of the year'' thing again. No, I''m not happy with him now. I''m really pissed that he has this easygoing attitude about it. We have not spoken since Sunday afternoon. I left him a voicemail Tuesday and let him know that there have been way too many ups and downs, which I know we all have them, but not these crazy crashes and burns. I told him no one who says they love you should never make the other feel like this. Also, if being so la dee da about how I feel and me not really being able to trust his word is what I''m to expect, I''m not doing this anymore. Of course that scared him- his fear of me leaving always does- and he showed up at my house after work. I was at the gym so I heard about it when I got home. He''s called numerous times, emailed and all that. I know I need to talk to him, but right now I need recovery time and he needs to first apologize before trying to explain himself. I''m tired of this happening. Once and for all he needs to really tell me what is going on his head and what the hell he is so afraid of or afraid to tell me. I hurt enough from loss in my family- I don''t need this from him.

 

[Kit]

Ugh. I am just so so sorry about this whole situation. I am upset and hurting for you...hugs! I hope this guys pulls his sh*t together asap--no offense--because you so deserve way way better than this--please don''t lose sight of that simple reality.

 

[fire&ice]

I hope this works out for you - honestly, I do. But he''s already contridicted himself. He said the *reason* for not proposing by the end of the year was that he couldn''t get the ring & all together by then. Now, it may take him another year?

Sorry about your situation. It''s not an easy one to be in. At the end of the day, you have to ask yourself - are you happy if it never comes?

 

[caligal]

Nyme- you are doing all the right things now I believe: keep focusing on you. Take the time you need- he clearly needs it to, to straighten his arse out. I wish there was something more I could do for ya! You''ve given him time, patience, and approached this is such a mature way- now I hope he will realize what a true FIND you are and make you his wife before he loses you. Being the romantic I am- I don''t think your chapter is closed yet... I just think he needed this swift kick in the ass to realize he could lose you.... I''m praying for you two, esp. you!!

 

[snuga]

I am so sorry to hear about your frustrations and your boyfriends broken promise. I hope that you can work it out and maybe your relationship will become stronger through it. If you need to focus on yourself right now, do that. Talk to him when you are ready, and I hope that he listens and apologizes to you, because you deserve that. Good luck!

 

[nytemist]

I decided today that I''m done for a while. I have a lot of stuff to do job hunt-related in the next couple of weeks and I''m going to N.Y. with a friend of mine, so I may not be around on the site for a bit. I will let you fabulous supporters know if something goes on in the meantime, but I don''t think it will. The rate it''s going I may be single come our anniversary. I got a call today asking for us to please get together and talk tomorrow. I don''t feel like it yet. We''ll see what happens.

 

[ammayernyc]

Best of luck to you. I hope everything works out.

Have a great time in NY! I love it here! Let me know if you need any suggestions for places or stuff to do!

 

[nytemist]

Well Amanda, I go there so often I have my regular things I like to do: breakfast at Applejack Diner, shopping at Trash& Vaudeville, hanging out at Boxer''s in the village, clubbing at Albion-Batcave, late-night drinks at Mercury Bar west or Chelsea Grill... so much more.

I always have fun in NY. Like I told you before, I may be bugging you for advice when I try to make it my home. The city made that much of an impression on me at 15.

 

[ammayernyc]

It sounds like you will have a great time. I hope you can feel that way too.

 

[JDgirl]

I have to say that I admire you for sticking to your guns. I''m not particularly good at walking away when I should (even if just to get some space for a while), so I applaud your ability to do so. Have a great time in NYC!

 

[nytemist]

Hope I can have a good time- the "fake it till you make it" way of thinking. Trust me, it''s impossible to think of not being around him for whatever amount of time. I haven''t decided how long of a break I need, or can force myself to do. All week I''ve felt like I''m missing my arm but then also there is a coldness I can''t get rid of. I know this what I should do for my own sanity but it still feels impossible.

Thank you again ladies- all of you have a good weekend. I will spend it catatonic in my chair watching football.

 

[icekid]

nyt- I just know everything will work out for the best eventually and you''ll figure out what is best for you. Hang in there, sweetie!

 

[blodthecat]

This guy is really taking you for granted. I think he doesn''t really mind you being disapointed, because he can always win you back!

You are doing the right thing by removing yourself from the situation, and giving yourself some time to think.

If you were to get married, you would want a partner who would be sensitive to how you feel...and not just assume you will always be there. At the moment, he isn''t up to that.

He has got some growing up to do. He needs to decide whether this relationship is the most important thing to him....or whether he really isn''t that bothered. You can''t help him with this.

This might not be the right guy for you, but lets see what a bit of breathing space does for him.

May shake things up a bit...ya never know.

One thing is for sure....you deserve to be treated better. Enjoy NY.

Best wishes...blod

 

[larussel03]

hi nytemist,

I hope that this weekend brought you some relaxation and much needed clarity. Did you end up seeing your bf?

 

[Croí]

oh nytemist - I know you love him but I could just crack him in the head with a hammer for being so THOUGHTLESS - how can it be that he doesn''t seem to realise how much you are HURTING because of all of this ???

*MASSIVEHUGS*

I''m sorry I am only getting to this now. Just back from home ..... and now you are gone to NYC.

I hope you are doing okay and I will be in touch and we will meet up when you return.

This group is just phenomenal ........ I love still being part of it all even though I''m not still an LIW. Will try to catch up on other posts over the rest of the week.

C

 

[anchor31]

nytemist - I'' m really sorry to hear about this. I really hoped he would propose. I have to say I think you''re doing the right thing by putting some distance in the relationship right now. I think he really needs a good kick in the @ss. I really wish for things to work out for you. *hugs*

 

[nytemist]

Welcome back Croi! I''m sure the holidays back home were excellent for you! I actually haven''t gone to NY yet, not for a couple of weeks. Just lately I''m trying to do some job hunting as well as being here at my current job, so I don''t have too much web playtime.
So- drastic shift again, ready to fall over?
I have to say that BF and I are feeling kind of silly. I know this might sound like we''re nuts, but it seems we''ve both been doing this ''well, he said this, so he must be thinking that...'' or ''she said that, she must be thinking this...'' Really dumb. BF showed up at my house Sat afternoon so not much of a break from him. I considered asking him to leave, but I figured this talk had to happen some time. It ended taking about 5 hours. Every concern that has been popping up the past 6 months or more that bothered us. I''ll spare you all the play by play or I''d be writing for the next couple of hours to explain it all. We got into why it seems we keep running into the same snags and why it was happening. EVERYTHING was put on the table. It was amazing, soul cleaning- sadly I don''t think we''ve ever had a period of time this deep. I guess we needed it. We kept having this nasty problem called miscommunication. Too many times when there was something we wanted to say to the other, but didn''t since we were nervous of how the other would react. I did it mostly since I got so tired of hearing him answer ''I don''t know'' so often. He did it out his still lingering shyness. After a couple of hours there were some happy tears since we finally got to the root of he problem. We continued to bring up what ever was on our minds with the promise that the other wouldn''t get upset or attacked, just listen. No, he has never doubted how he feels about me, that he is willing to move and ready to marry me.
So why didn''t anything happen New Year''s? Becasue of me. Hear me out, I know it doesn''t sound logical, but I understood what he meant.
It went back to when we had our little chat after I came back from Montreal. He had said he made the decision that he would move when I was ready to. He said in my eyes he saw the cynic saying I didn''t believe him and it really upset him. He couldn''t go through with it until he made me believe in what he said. Example, when we were at Christmas dinner and someone asked him a question about something, I heard part of his answer saying "well, once we live in NY blah blah blah... I guess I gave him a weird glance. I wasn''t aware. I hate to admit it, but it did probably show on my face. He had to make sure I believed him and he apologized for not being to put the words together and explain that to me before midnight. He''s not confrontational and was, again, wary of how I would react (miscommunication) I said if you had told me that I more than likely wouldn''t have been so upset. Disappointed but I would know why.
I do believe him, really. I said have to get better at telling my inner cynic to shut up, he said he has to learn how ot stop talking himself out of things he''s afraid of doing. Can you believe when we went to NY back in Nov he was going to ask then, but didn''t see anything he like down on jewelry row? (I guess he went there while I was in the Sanrio store) ANd when he did see something when we were uptown, he talked himself out of it, thinking ''no, she won''t like this'' or whatever. At the end of it all, I asked where do we go from here? He said to find a ring and that was the final issue he had. I was confused. I said to him- remember you asked me for what shape and what setting style I liked? I sent you pics and you said you would take it from there? He said he didn''t mean to make it sound that way. He said it wouldn''t have any meaning to him at all emotionally unless I was involved. He wants me to have something I love that symbolizes both us us and we will love to look at 30 years from now.

I know this bordering on mini-novel. I''m tired since we''ve been having some 2+ hour phone conversations the past couple of nights and going to sleep late. I feel dumb but feel better. I think everything is finally ok. I can think it without feeling the ''what if'' I have to go back to work now, I''ll try to be back in a couple of hours. What would I do with all the support here?????????

 

[ammayernyc]

I''m so happy for you that things seem to be working out. It''s amazing how a little thing such as talking can make such a big difference.

I hope that your future together can move more smoothly now!

 

[AmberWaves]

Oh, Nytemist, I am so glad you had that catharsis with him. I can''t imagine the relief you feel, not only because things are finally moving forward, but also because things have been resolved, and you no longer have to dwell on the painful last couple of weeks (months?). Things can and will only get better from here, and I am so happy you''re doing better. We of course, are so glad to see things resolved, and can''t wait for the hunt for the ring to begin. Here''s to a happy and healthy 2006!!

 

[SoonIHope]

Oh yay, this is so great to hear!!!!! For some reason I always felt like you two were really meant to be together, so it was so frustrating (for ME, ha!) when you kept hitting all these snags, because I felt like I KNEW he really did have every intention of marrying you and I just wanted him to sort things out and talk it over with you, and I''m just SOOOOO excited that it seems like you''re on the right path now!!!!! I have to admit the part I was most worried about was whether or not you would be able to forgive him in the end for all the disappointment, but it sounds like your talk managed to straighten all that out too! I''m sooooo happy for you!!!! Keep us updated on your ring shopping!!!

 

[Caribou]

Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well now all you have to do is wait some more.

But at least this time, you know there is something to be waiting for!

Hopefully it will happen soon...GIRL SOON not boy soon.

I'll keep everything crossed for you, fingers, toes, feet, arms, legs.....

 

[Kit]

Oh thank god. I am so relieved. I can''t even imagine how much better you feel, NYT! I am so so glad that you two had that long talk. It sounds like you both just need to tweak your communications skills and styles so that you''re more in harmony--isn''t that true of us all?? I wish you the best and encourage you to keep hashing things out, IMO once you feel like you''re on a "clean slate" so to speak with him, you''ll feel emotionally ready to enter into an engagement/future marriage with him without reservation.

Hugs!

 

[caligal]

Nye- I knew the chapter wasn''t closed- didn''t I tell you?

Truly talking about everything is really hard, but sooo important you are really doing it. Now you two are ready to make that commitment and will have a better marriage for it- and you have crossed another bridge together and both learned something from it. Can''t wait to hear progress- stay positive and keep talkin''! Hugs!

 

[MissAva]

*hugs* It sounds like things are moving forward with both of you. I hope ya''ll are able to keep the lines of communication open.

 

[anchor31]

I had this kind of talk with my boyfriend after a fight about a year ago... It feels great, doesn''t it? I was considering leaving him too, but now I''m sure glad I didn''t. I''m so relieved for you, and I really hope things will work out for the best. Cheers!

 

[nytemist]

You guys are just amazing-

I''m still feeling kind of foolish, so much could have been avoided if we weren''t acting like junior high. I said that to him when he called earlier. He sort of agreed, he''s just thrilled that the tension is gone. Since he wants to start looking really soon, maybe this weekend, I emailed him a picture last night from the WF site... just a simple YG, four-prong solitaire setting. He keeps asking me "are you sure? That''s kind of basic, isn''t it? No side stones? Only $120?..." I said yeah, put the real work into finding a good but affordable stone. He says well, we''ll look and see what else you might like. Here I''m trying to save money! He then reminded me of the running joke that isn''t a joke anymore- what to do about the Claddagh on my ring finger? I know I''ve mentioned it before, but my grandmother gave to me after she traveled there when I was about 10 years old. Not knowing the full history at that age, I put on the wrong hand, facing the wrong way. Fast forward to my teens and the ring will not come off. It''s never bothered me, so I left it. Now it REALLY won''t come off and I don''t know what to do. The idea of cutting it breaks my heart. I may just have to wear them together.

Also that it won''t go with my HS class ring and I''ll have to take that off too (I wear a men''s since I have giant hands)
Now that things are going forward again, it seems almost too real. That make sense? At my age, I should be better at thinking, lately it''s shot to hell.

 

[Rhapsody]

I''m glad you finally managed to talk things through. Its amazing that you can talk about a topic so often but the whole story takes 5, 10, 15 tries to get out of both people. Sometimes you just hav to have faith, and as a fellow cynic I know how hard that is. Our men want us to believe in them, and ya know sometimes they deserve it

As for the claddagh, try soaking your hands in ice water to shrink them as much as possible and then use soap or lotion to help the ring slide.